By Sars
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Pacey and Drue toasted to the future; Joey thanked Jen for bringing her to New York, which blew Joey's mind (the New York part, not the Jen-bringing-her part); Doug called Pacey "a moron and a failure," and Pacey lunged at him; Gretchen refused to sleep with Dawson; the snake convinced Eve to eat the apple.
Fade up on the living room of Expectant Estates, where Mitch "The Flash" Leery, attired in blazer-over-black-tee Stallone-wear, complains about how long Gale "Any Day Now" Leery is taking to get dressed. On the couch, "We Have Met The Enemy, And It Is" Dawson Leery and Gretchen "Old Faithful" Witter snack on popcorn. Unfunny sexist jokes about Gale's 65-inch waist and how that's "so not what to say" to a pregnant woman; expositional wisecracking about the fact that the baby's two weeks overdue. From upstairs, Gale bellows that "we have to go -- now!" As light-hearted guitar noodlings signal wackiness on the horizon, Gale waddles down the stairs, holding her pregnancy pad and doing the clenched-teeth-groaning woman-in-labor thing in case we don't get it. Mitch asks how long she's "been contracting," and she snaps, "Long enough to hurt," and as another contraction comes over her, she wilts onto Dawson's shoulder. Gretchen holds Gale up on the other side, and the four of them hurry down the front hall, accompanied by resolutely non-amusing back-and-forth about Gale's suitcase and calling the doctor and bringing the "birthing music," and the Flash assures her that he's "got Enya, John Tesh, Kenny G," and Gale snarls back that she's having a baby, not "going into a coma," and as they clatter off the porch, we hear the Flash offering to "sing for" Gale and Gale kvetching about a cell phone, and Dawson watches them go and smugs that that pretty much "does it" for their evening, and Gretchen nods, "Pretty much," and then they both make "she's in labor -- eeee!" faces, which made me laugh.
Credits. Cat going into labor.
At the hospital, Gale complains, "It's not happening?" A doctor explains that "they're called Braxton-Hicks contractions -- false labor," and Gale gripes that "there is nothing false about these contractions," like, did your water break? No? Then it's not labor.
Sars: Dude, quit walking in front of the TV.
Contrivance: I can't find my wallet.
Sars: It's on the table. The other table. No, the other other table.
Contrivance: I can't --
Sars: Dude, the table, now move.
Contrivance: Okay, got it. Sure you don't wanna come out with me?
Sars: And watch Deus Ex Machina slobber all over some subplot in a halter top? I'll pass.
Contrivance: Okay, then. See you later!
Sars: Dude, the table, now move.
Contrivance: Okay, got it. Sure you don't wanna come out with me?
Sars: And watch Deus Ex Machina slobber all over some subplot in a halter top? I'll pass.
Contrivance: Okay, then. See you later!
More exposition from the doctor, more grousing from Gale, and then Dawson comes in: "So I take it there's no baby yet?" Gale and The Flash shake their heads in irritation. Oh, please. It's not an appointment with the cable guy; it's a baby. Babies come when they want to come. You've already done this once, so you should know that. Simmer down. ["Of course, it's been so long since they had a kid that the first one's balding, so maybe they've just forgotten." -- Wing Chun] The doctor expositions that the baby may not show up for a few more days, and "normally" she'd have no cause for concern, but given Gale's age, "there's a significantly increased risk of complications." Dawson gets up in the doctor's face and wants to know what kind of complications, and Gale and the Flash look worried, and again I say, "Oh, please." First of all, Gale's not that old, and second of all, I think she and the Flash would have discussed any possible age-related concerns with the OB well before she came into the hospital to give birth. Like, say, at her first appointment. Anyway, the doctor says that if the baby doesn't come on its own in a few days, she'll induce labor, and if anything goes wrong, they've got "a great facility here to do an immediate C[-section]." "Oh my god," Gale dramas. Shut up, Gale. The doctor tells Gale to chill. The Flash asks if there's anything they can do to help the baby along, and the doctor recommends talking to the fetus: "What's your baby's name?" Guilty looks from the parents and a smart-off from Dawson let us know that they haven't picked a name yet. The doctor writes Gale a prescription and takes off. What's the prescription? "Name your baby." Like, ha ha. Not.
Tutoring center. Jack's tutoree, Will, bulldozes another line reading, complaining that the story he's reading doesn't have a hero and blah blah blah. "Give Me Liberty Or Give Me" Tobey tries to jolly Will along, talking about how the most interesting heroes have problems they can't overcome despite themselves, and as Jack "Forsake This" McPhee bustles in all late, Tobey cracks, "Like pathological tardiness." Jack, hanging up his jacket, says that many heroes do overcome their flaws, and Tobey grins that he'll believe it when he sees it, and there's more banter about heroes getting stuck in traffic. Boy, that Tobey has a lovely smile. Will interrupts, "If you two don't mind -- I'm trying to pass the fourth grade here?" Good line, awful delivery. The actor who plays Will is an adorable kid, but...dude. He's terrible.
PB&B porch. Joey "Crown Royal" Potter leaves a message, presumably for Pacey, saying she thought she'd see if he'd gotten back yet, and to call her when he gets in. "Good Queen" Bessie Potter comes out and teases her: "It's official. You've become the neurotic girlfriend." "Become"? Joey starts to say that "it's weird," but Bessie interrupts to exposition that there's nothing weird about it: "He's away on a fishing trip with his brother." She leads Joey inside to show her the little yellow onesie she bought for the little Leery -- aw, it's so teeny and cute! -- and asks Joey to help her wrap it, but Joey freezes, then bolts: "I'm going to Pacey's."
Witterschloss. Dawson comes in with a pizza and asks Gretchen if she can make it to a naming shower for Gale the day. Gretchen, setting the table, says she can, but feels bound to add that, the day after, she's "on the noon train to Boston." Dawson asks what's in Boston, and Gretchen replies that, if her interview with Cambridge Magazine goes as planned, she's in Boston.
Sars: Hello?
Contrivance: Hey, it's me. I'm at the Pig and Whistle and everyone's here -- are you sure you don't want to come out?
Sars: Dude, I told you, it's not my scene, and besides, I have work to do.
Contrivance: Aw, come on. You can work tomorrow.
Sars: Not until you start paying some damn rent around here, I ca -- hello? Hello?
Apparently, Gretchen applied for a job as an assistant lifestyles editor at CM, and they loved her application. Yeah, right. "Loved." If by "loved," you mean "binned." Anyway, Gretchen burbles on about getting paid to go to concerts and restaurants; Dawson's immense face falls, and he manages a faint "wow." "Speak your subtext, boy," she tells him. Dawson passive-aggresses that he didn't know she'd applied for the job, and Gretchen passive-aggresses back that she only recently decided to, and she'd hoped he'd "be psyched for" her. Dawson says limply that he's psyched, and it's a wonderful job, and he thinks she'd "be great at it." Very convincing, Dawson. Not. You couldn't have sold water to a man in the desert in that tone of voice. Gretchen snips, "But, ah, suddenly this tacit [sic] little issue that's been floating in the back of [sic] both our minds has become very real." Dawson says hesitantly that they'll have to talk about "the potential continent between" them eventually. Oh, why bother? Like you'll actually go to California. Gretchen shrugs her assent and asks what he thinks of long-distance relationships; Dawson isn't optimistic, but Gretchen points out that "we could also be that one couple." "Absolutely," Dawson glums. Gretchen mentions that one of them "could also join the other." Dawson raises his eyebrows all "ohh-kay" and says he couldn't ask her to come to California; Gretchen says she couldn't ask him to come to Boston, either. Dawson arches a snarled brow and asks what's going on: "Last week we're declaring our love for each other, now it sounds like we're breaking up." Gretchen thinks they're "dealing with reality." "Which is what?" Dawson snaps. "Right now? It's dinner, by candlelight, with the man I love." Dawson joins me in making a "whatever" face. ["I, on the other hand, opt for a '"man"?' face." -- Wing Chun]
Tutoring. Will looks on as Tobey and Jack straighten up...er, tidy up, and Tobey tells Jack that he's good at "this teaching thing." Jack says he enjoys it. Tobey teases him some more about the tardiness, and Jack tells him that, as "penance," he'll stay to close up and Tobey can leave early. Tobey protests, but Jack makes him go on ahead, and Tobey finally agrees and takes off. Will shoots Jack a knowing look. Well, maybe. With that actor, it's hard to tell. What the hell, I'll give it to him: heh.
Tobey race-walks to the bus stop, product-placing a Puma t-shirt, as The Piano Of Foreboding plays. A guy already sitting at the stop looks up warily at Tobey, who small-talks, "Whew, cold night. Buses run late," and smiles awkwardly at the guy. The guy gets up, and his back blocks Tobey from view...
...just as Joey's blocks ours as she gets out of the Potter pickup and stomps up to the porch of the Witterschloss. Gretchen's sitting outside, and Joey apologizes for coming by so late, but she really needs to talk to Pacey, and does Gretchen know how she can get in touch with him? Gretchen doesn't, but she's sure Pacey will call as soon as he gets back. Joey shoots her a stink-eye before asking, "There's something wrong, isn't there?" and saying that "this isn't like Pacey." Gretchen shakes her head sadly, and when Joey asks what's going on, Gretchen mutters, "You know, I told him I wouldn't do this anymore, and I won't," and stomps to the other end of the porch. "What?" Lying, Gretchen whines: "It's the worst thing for everyone." Then she fills Joey in on Pacey's drunk-and-disorderly arrest, adding that Doug took him camping to help him sort things through. Joey's all "oh my god" like Pacey held up a bank or something, and Gretchen rambles on about "an intense time" blah blah blah "planning our futures" blah blah blah "what we're gonna do with the rest of our lives" blah blah blah fishcakes, winding up by saying that they have to "put all that aside" and do everything they can to make Pacey's life easier, "or he might not have much of one." Joey turns to shoot Gretchen a sulky stare, and Gretchen tries to get Joey to promise not to put "any additional pressure" on Pacey because he's "in a lot of pain." Joey starts to bite Gretchen's head off, then thinks better of it and asks in a hard tone, "Do you or do you not know how I can get in touch with him?" Gretchen asks angrily if Joey heard a word she just said. Joey says she can't "promise [her] that," and Gretchen snaps, "I mean, how could you possibly be that selfish?" Joey sets her jaw, then smiles acidly and informs Gretchen, "I'm late." Oh, for god's sake, Joey. First of all, at your age, it's not uncommon for girls to have irregular periods, and stressing about it always makes it worse, so just take a deep breath and try not to panic. Second of all, it's not like Pacey can do anything about it one way or the other -- I mean, yeah, you should tell him, but either your period will come or it won't, and whether you tell him now or later, he can't change the situation. I mean, do you expect him to wave a hand over your uterus and draw the blood forth like a dowser? It's not like I can't sympathize, but two lousy days won't make the difference here. Take a Valium, buy an EPT, and cram it. Jesus.
Anyway, Gretchen is taken aback, and as her eyes fill with pity, Joey makes an obnoxious "there -- happy now?" gesture with her head. Gretchen does a backpedaling job worthy of Lance Armstrong, apologizing and saying she had no idea, but Joey stonewalls her, and when Gretchen asks if Joey has "confirmed" that she's pregnant, Joey cuts her off, snarling that she really just needs to talk to her boyfriend, so can Gretchen get him on the phone or what? No, but as soon as they come back, or call, Gretchen will have Pacey call Joey. Joey thanks her, grudgingly. Gretchen tries to get Joey to take a pregnancy test so that she can "consider [her] options," but Joey frowns and princesses off, saying, "I'm fine! I can handle this." Gretchen calls after her that, if she changes her mind, she should come by "any time" and talk, but Joey ignores her and jumps into the pickup, biting her lip.
No, I really don't want a sneak peek at the WB's FaceTime. Thanks anyway.
Oh, lord. Expectant Estates. Gale waddles out the front door with a sandwich tray to greet Jen "Dark City" Lindley and "Thank God It's" Grams Ryan. Blah blah blah no gifts blah blah blah yarn and knitting needles blah blah blah "my kitchen's calling" blah blah blah set-to-pop-here-honey-cakes. Gale rushes back inside to get the phone, and Dawson comes out, and Jen asks why Gale isn't on the couch with her feet up. "Because I don't lift a finger around here, uh duh," Dawson smirks. No, he doesn't. He does say that Gale's on a cleaning-and-cooking whirlwind. "The nesting instinct," Grams smiles. More like "the trying to bring on labor instinct," I imagine -- I didn't deign to show up until three weeks past my due date, and my mother spent most of March 1973 moving furniture and running up and down the stairs in an effort to create a hostile environment in the womb, and my dad would come home from work and find my mother at the back door all, "Hi, honey -- I'm so glad you're home. Now PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH, yes you can, do it now, DO IT YOU OWE ME THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT," and then my brother came two weeks late, and he made Ma wait through one of the hottest Augusts in New Jersey history, and I'd wander into the kitchen for a Popsicle and find my mom covered with sweat, pointing a corkscrew at her giant abdomen and snarling, "I mean it, you little brat -- get out of there now or I'm COMING IN AFTER YOU," so I don't think a spotless house is what's on Gale's mind here, but aaaanyway, there's more dumb chit-chat about those kooky pregnant ladies and their keee-razy behavior, and Jen and Grams go inside.
Gretchen comes up the lawn. Dawson tells her that he bought a copy of CM, and he waxes supportive, and Gretchen waxes apprehensive about the interview, and then Gale blusters past with more sandwiches and blah blah, and Joey comes up behind Gretchen as Dawson takes the sandwiches and Gale clomps back into the house. Gretchen asks how she's doing, and Joey says tightly that she's fine, but Gretchen keeps trying to let her know that she's there if Joey needs her; before Joey can respond one way or the other, Bessie barges up and says to Gretchen, "Would you please tell my sister to get a life of her own -- your brother goes fishing and I swear she doesn't know what to do with herself." YEAH you did, Bessie! Gretchen and Joey exchange a "yeah, ha ha -- not" look just as Gale comes out again and greets Joey warmly, and after they hug, Joey gives Gale's distended womb an unhappy look. Get it? No? Okay, here's the deal: Joey thinks she's pregnant, and that's bad, and Gale -- oh, you do get it? Okay. Grams claps her hands and calls out that it's time to get started, and the menfolk get kicked out. The Flash cracks a really terrible joke about The Vagina Monologues and makes a "women -- can't live with 'em, can't get a ride" face. Ladies and gentlemen, Flashy Youngman! Try the fish, it's delicious.
Jack arrives at the tutoring center to find utter chaos; Will is peaceably reading a book, but the rest of the kids are running around and throwing spit-wads and whatnot. Jack asks Will, "Where's Tobey?" but Will doesn't know.
Back to the shower, where Grams is holding a thread with a needle at the end of it over Gale's womb. The rest of the girls laugh in disbelief as Grams intones that "generations of women have done this -- it was the ultrasound of the Middle Ages." In case anyone wondered, if the needle swings back and forth, it's a girl, and if it swings in a circle, it's a boy, so according to Grams's needle, Gale is having a girl...but you suspend the needle over the mother's hand, not her womb, and you use a strand of your own hair, not thread. Yeah, I can hear you all sighing with relief that I cleared that up, but let's move it along, shall we? Gale asks if it's a girl or a boy, and Grams says slyly, "It's just what you want." Gale giggles to herself and strokes her pregnancy pad. Joey broods. An ovary presides over the party. The naming fun begins. Bessie suggests "Sophie" or "Satchel," both names I like, and I especially like that Bodie chipped in with "Satchel" after Satchel Paige. Much laughter and squawking.
In a treehouse (?), the Flash busts out the cigars. Then he busts out a PSA about not lighting "these deadly things." Smoking kills -- the Flash told me so. After a father-son chuckle over the giant brown phallic symbols they have clenched in their teeth -- I know, I know, ew -- Dawson asks if the Flash thinks any of the names "they're kickin' around down there" will stick. The Flash broods that maybe their inability to pick a name means that they "aren't really dealing with what's about to happen" in their lives. Dawson raises his eyebrows and points out that they've had a baby before, so the Flash knows "what to expect, right?" The Flash describes the presence of a newborn "is pure, unadulterated hell." Dawson tries to argue, but the Flash says that it's true, and delivers an antediluvian monologue about how he doesn't "have a breast" and how men don't connect with babies the way women do, "not at first." Oh, bollocks -- dads love babies. I looked like a chewed-up, rained-on stuffed animal for the first two months of my life, and in every picture taken of me as a newborn, my dad is grinning down at me like he'd just won the lottery. Anyway, the Flash rambles on about feeling a connection to "this little person," and Dawson smiles tolerantly at his father's blathering before suggesting that perhaps they've waited to pick out a name because they wanted to "get a sense of" the baby before just slapping a name on him or her: "I think when you meet him you'll know." The Flash likes that idea.
Shower. Jen proposes "Emma" for a girl -- nice name, but a bit overused these days -- and Jackson for a boy, as in Jackson Pollock, because he "made a beautiful mess." Fade to Gretchen suggesting "Kurt," as in Kurt Cobain. Shut up, Gretchen. She also suggests "Isabella," harkening back to the boring story we heard her tell in "The Te Of Pacey." Fade to Grams offering "Rose" for a girl, and "Thomas" after someone she knew "a long time ago." Jen remembers who she's talking about -- Thomas Culpepper, mentioned in "True Love" last season -- and they exchange a fond look. Aw.
Treehouse. Dawson shocks a nation by changing the subject back to himself, mentioning Gretchen's potential move to Boston -- and, seriously, what's the big deal here? Boston is at most a two-hour drive from the Cape. In relationship terms, that's totally doable. The Flash wonders if Gretchen is distancing herself to avoid getting hurt because Dawson got into USC. Dawson shrugs that he doesn't know; he never expected Gretchen to come with him to California, and he knows CM is a great opportunity for her, but -- he trails off. The Flash reminds him that he and Gale got a divorce just a couple of years ago, and now they're "more in love than ever." Dawson asks if he means that, even if he and Gretchen break up, "[they're] still destined to be together." Oh, writers. Writers, writers, writers. Get off the destiny train. Please? Now? Today? The Flash tells Dawson that he has to follow his own path, because, "like with everything else in this life, you just never know." The Flash gives decent advice, generally speaking; it's mostly banalities, but he makes a lot of good points. Anyway, Dawson thinks that over; the Flash adds, "Look at you and Joey." Oh, man -- do we have to? Dawson chuckles wryly.
Fade back to Joey saying that she stayed up all night trying to think of a name, but she couldn't come up with anything, so instead she's giving Gale something that she believes "embodies everything that a name should," something that used to belong to Dawson; maybe the little Leery will want to wear it someday. Joey adds that "it's getting harder to tell what's right anymore," so she hopes that's okay. It's Dawson's dork-ass teardrop necklace, which he gave to Joey last season. Well, at least the writers remembered that it existed, but still -- bleccch. Gale thanks her very sincerely, saying she's touched, and then thanks all of the guests for giving her "so much to think about," and Jen jokes that at least Gale won't have to deliver the baby in the middle of a hurricane, and Grams laughs, "Uh, let's hope not." Dude, what's with all the references to past seasons? I mean, what -- an Eve mention? We get it. God. Maybe it's because, as Gustave pointed out, Mercury is in retrograde. Bessie says it can't compare to what she saw her own mother go through. "Well, Lillian was an amazing woman," Gale says, and...hold on, that's the phone.
Sars: Hello? Hel-loooo?
Contrivance: Ish Sharsh thehhh?
Sars: Whuh -- who? Who is this?
Contrivance: It'sh Contrivansh. Ya gotta, ya gotta come out! We're, uh...yeah. So are ya comin' out t'meet ush?
Sars: Oh, Jesus. How much have you had to drink?
Contrivance: Dunno, few beersh, few shotsh...you know there'sh thish drink called a lemon...lemon...lemon somethin', and it tastes really good, you barely even know there'sh alco -- [hic!] -- alcohol innit. You...you know?
Sars: Oh, Jesus. Look, get in a cab and come --
Contrivance: Nawwww, you get inna caaaab! C'maaahhhn! Come out wif ush! Come out!
Sars: Look, I think you should --
Contrivance: Awwww, c'maahhhn. C'mout! C'mout! [to the bar] Hey, ever'buddy, less get Sharsh to c'mon down here, 'kay? Ever'buddy yell "Sars" reeeeeally loud now, 'kay?
Sars: I'm not --
Everyone in the bar: Sars! Sars! Sars! Sars! Sars!
Contrivance: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH! Okay, I gotta go pee so wull shee ya right -- [Click.]
Sars: I'm not coming -- hello? Hello! Hel -- oh, crap.
Sorry about that. Anyway, Gale adds pensively that she loved Joey's mom "so much," and Bessie tells the story of Joey's birth, and how the labor went on for thirty-four hours, and when Jen asks what made Joey decide to grace them with her presence, Bessie explains that their mother called her by name: "'Josephine, Josephine, everyone's waiting to meet you.'" And out Joey came, with lots of brown hair and "saucer eyes" and "a pout we all know way too well." Joey, lost in thought, smiles miserably, then excuses herself and bolts. Bessie follows her.
House Of Tobey. Jack runs up onto the porch and knocks; Tobey tells him to go away, he's sick. Jack calls him on that, and Tobey keeps lying about having the flu, and Jack keeps smacking the door with his knuckles and telling Tobey to open up. At last, Tobey opens the door; he's got a black eye and a split lip, and he's on crutches. Jack takes in the sight of him and snorts, "Some flu." Tobey says pissily, "Yeah, don't freak -- look, it only hurts when I blink." Heh. When Jack asks what happened, Tobey lies while looking nervously over his shoulder that he got mugged, and then tries to excuse himself, but Jack asks if he reported the mugging. Tobey grumps that he only had twelve bucks and "it's not worth the trouble," and Jack tries to come-on-Tobey him, but Tobey flares up that he doesn't want to talk about it. Jack insists that "it'll take ten minutes" to go to the police station and file a report, but Tobey interrupts him to yell, "What am I gonna tell 'em -- that I frightened some people so they beat the crap out of me -- just go home, Jack," and as the realization of what actually went down dawns on Jack's face, Tobey slams the door in said face.
Estates porch. Bessie asks Joey what's going on with her. Joey dissembles, saying she just got "emotional," but Bessie snorts, "You're more than emotional, you're neurotic." Hee! That's goddamn right. Bessie goes on to say that Joey's obsessed with tracking Pacey down, she's moody, every time Gale looks at her she looks away, and if Bessie didn't know Joey "weren't having sex" -- she stops short when Joey, ever the inept liar, bites her lip and turns away. "Joey?" "Can you just leave me alone?" Joey says tearfully. Bessie asks accusingly if she's pregnant. Joey bad-lies, "What are you talking about?" and tries to stomp off, but Bessie won't have it: "I can't believe this -- what happened?" Joey says she's "not having this conversation with" Bessie, but Bessie won't have that either, telling Joey that she'd "better watch it, because if something is wrong," Joey will need her. "Why, so I can sit through another series of endless lectures?" Joey brats. Um, excuse me? Your sister lets you sleep over at Pacey's, she lets you come and go as you please, she tolerates your bullshit attitude, and we've seen maybe two lectures out of Bessie all season, both of which you had coming, so count your blessings and stow the attitude. Bessie comes back with, "So you can straighten out your life!" Joey sneers, "Oh, and have one more like yours." I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- Bessie has a loving boyfriend who cooks, a cute baby, and a successful business. There's nothing wrong with Bessie's life, except perhaps her unwillingness to slap her younger sister's face straight off her head for taking that tone with her. She could have parked your bony ass in foster care, Joey, and given the shit you always heap on her head, I don't for the life of me know why she didn't, so SHUT UP. God, what a little bitch. Bessie shares that sentiment, glaring at Joey and hissing, "You think you're better than me? Look at you -- you're just like Mom, you're just like me!" "No, I'm not," Joey sobs; no matter what, she knows her life "will be different" from Bessie's. Bessie seizes on that, saying that Joey's got that right, because Bessie has someone in her life who can actually take care of himself, not to mention a family: "Do you?" Ouch. Actually, I think Pacey's better equipped emotionally to handle a pregnancy -- or, for that matter, a hangnail -- than Joey, but regardless, the point is made, and Joey's face collapses. Just then, there's commotion outside, and Grams rushes in to say that Gale's in labor again. Joey closes her eyes all pained and takes off.
The hospital hallway. Gale huffs and puffs. Dawson and Gretchen make jokes. The Flash wheels Gale up to the doorway of a labor room, and when the OB asks how she feels, Gale grunts, "I want drugs." "So do I," smirks the Flash. Get in line, pal.
Ryan Home. Jack walks out to the swing to find Jen knitting, and asks if she's "churning butter now, too." Snerk. Jen remarks on the "meditative" benefits of knitting, and Jack talks about wandering over to friends' houses and pondering problems. Jen asks what's up: "Tell me of your trivial woes." "Woe is Tobey," Jack sighs, and when Jen needles him with, "That boy is in looooooove," Jack responds sadly that "that boy is on crutches." He fills Jen in on the beatdown, and says he thinks Tobey "got attacked 'cause he's gay." Jen, disgustedly: "Oh, god." Does Jen think Jack's "being paranoid"? No: "Paranoia's healthy, trust me." Ha! Jack says it's ironic that, when they first met Tobey, he "was carrying on about taking action," but now he won't report the incident. Jen asks what Jack's going to do, and Jack says he tried to talk to Tobey, but Tobey shut him out, and it's really none of his business. Jen asks what Jack would do if she got attacked, and when Jack argues that it's not the same thing, Jen makes an impatient face and points out that, in this case, "the only difference is that [Jack is] exactly like the victim!" Jack rolls his eyes, then looks at Jen and nods all "yeah, I guess you're right."
Hospital. Dawson buys a bottle of Pepto-Bismol for the Flash, and Gretchen comments that a newborn "changes everything -- consistently putting someone else's wants and needs before your own," it makes you a grown-up, fishcakes. Dawson, not surprisingly, looks puzzled by that concept, then passive-aggresses that he wonders what it says about him and Gretchen. Gretchen thinks they care about one another's needs; so does Dawson, "up to a point," but then they have to think about themselves. Does he think they shouldn't at this point in their lives? Dawson doesn't know; he only knows that part of him that wants to beg her to come to California with him. And the other part? The other part knows he has to let people go. Dawson walks past her and slumps onto a couch, and Gretchen sits beside him and says that "the timing sucks." Dawson thinks for a moment, then sits bolt upright and says that "maybe [he's] misinterpreting things," but he really thought Gretchen wanted to sleep with him. Oh, gross -- not this conversation again. Dawson adds that something seemed to change Gretchen's mind "that night on the beach." Your ugly mug at close range, perhaps? Or the bitty little chipmunk boner pressing into her thigh? Just a thought. Gretchen takes a page from Joey's flagrant-lie book and says, not meeting Dawson's eye, that "it just wasn't the right time," and then she walks away. Okay -- ladies? Here's the thing. If you want the guy to believe you, you have to stand still and look him in the eye. That's how you sell a lie. Ducking your head and walking off? Doesn't work. Obvious tip-off. Dawson follows her and asks if there's "ever gonna be a right time." "Not in my lifetime, Fugsy Siegel," Gretchen snorts. Okay, she doesn't -- instead, she crabs about how getting closer before they both leave will just make things "more painful." Dawson busts on her for applying for a job in Boston -- and again I must point out that Boston isn't that far from the Cape, and also, they'd have six whole months before he left for school, so I really don't see what all the operatic snitting is about here, but whatever -- and Gretchen reminds him that he's leaving, and while she's happy for him, she can't take "that step" and open herself up that way "just to be left."
Gretchen's about to go on that she has to get on with her own life when the Flash comes out to report another false labor alarm. Oh, for the love of Mike -- water. Breaking. Pretty tough to miss. FIGURE IT OUT, Flash and Gale! Dawson mutely hands the Flash the bottle of Pepto, and the Flash grabs it and bolts out of the shot. Snick! Dawson turns back to Gretchen, but she just fixes him with a sad look before walking away. He looks after her, flummoxed.
Nighttime at the Witterschloss. Gretchen hears the Potter pickup outside and goes to the door; Joey gracelessly says that she had nowhere else to go, but Gretchen just nods and nicely invites her in. Joey slumps inside; spotting the suitcase, she asks if Gretchen's "leaving the country." Gretchen gives Joey the lowdown on the job interview, and asks how Joey's "holding up." Joey says that, considering that she's "turned into this crazy person" that she doesn't even know, she's fine. Gretchen nods sympathetically as Joey puts a hand to her tear-stained face and says she can't believe how "ill-prepared" she is for all of this, and then whispers damply, "What was I thinking?" Gretchen: "You fell in love...you had sex...even if you take every precaution, it's bound to change your world completely." Joey sniffles, then tries to laugh it off, asking if Gretchen can imagine Pacey with a baby, and I really think Pacey would do just fine with a baby, better than Joey would, but the girls bat it back and forth for a bit before Gretchen says that Pacey "just can't deal with Pacey." Joey says she knows, and she doesn't want to make things harder for him, but she really needs him right now. Gretchen asks if she's told Bessie. Joey cringes and relates that she kind of did, right after telling her that Bessie's life "disgusts" her, and Gretchen urges her to lean on Bessie, because "being pregnant, whether you choose to stay that way or not, is ultimately about family," and Joey needs "that support system." Joey hears something in that and raises a brow: "You sound like you're pretty familiar with the situation." Gretchen tells Joey about the miscarriage; Joey, to her credit, looks genuinely horrified and says she's sorry. Gretchen sighs and sits down to Joey on the couch, saying that that's why she "came back here" -- to deal with it, to deal with "everything that [Joey's] dealing with now." Joey thinks that Gretchen's "been successful" in that regard, with a new boyfriend and maybe a new job, and asks if Dawson's going to Boston too. Gretchen says that she and Dawson "are in very different places" in their lives, and abruptly gets back up to continue packing. Joey sweetly tells her that Dawson would "lasso the moon for" Gretchen. Aw -- I've always loved that expression. Gretchen, eyes filling, says she knows, but he's about to leave. Joey basically tells her to go with the flow, concluding that "you never forget him." Because he'll live on in your nightmares for the rest of your days on earth. Glycerin rolls down Gretchen's face.
Expectant Estates. Dawson and the Flash flip through a product-placed TiVo screen, looking for something to watch. Weirdly, the dates on the TiVo all read "3/22" -- my birthday. Shout-out? Oh, who am I kidding? It's "fishcakes" or nothing at all. Gale comes downstairs, in labor yet again, but the men ignore her, figuring it for another false alarm, until Gale drags the Flash off of the couch by his ear and screams at him to get his ass in the car. "That hurts!" the Flash unwisely says, and Gale shrieks at him not to talk to her about pain. The Flash thinks she means it this time. Dawson browses for movies, unconcerned. My sides? Not aching. My knee? Not slapped.
House Of Tobey. Jack's at the door again; Tobey answers, snarking, "Was it the 'go' or the 'away' that tripped you up?" Hee! Jack comes inside, introducing the "youth officer" of Capeside, whom he's brought with him. Tobey glares at Jack before bitching that he knew he shouldn't have ripped the tag off of his mattress. Another zinger from Tobey! Nice. Jack explains that Youth Officer is there "to make sure the right people pay attention to this." Tobey isn't having it. Jack tries to reassure him, but Tobey gets all "how dare you" and tells Jack he's lucky Tobey's parents aren't around. Jack asks if Tobey's parents are responsible for Tobey not reporting the assault, since Jack doesn't understand why he, or they, didn't go to the police two days ago. Tobey looks scared and tells Jack that, like him, his parents just want to forget it ever happened, and Jack is just making that harder. Youth Officer speaks up to PSA a few handy statistics on hate crimes and harassment targeted at gays, and says he needs Tobey to talk to him about what happened: "Most kids, they don't have the strength. Or they don't get the chance." Jack chimes in, "Or have the friends to support them." Tobey looks even more scared. Jack raises his eyebrows encouragingly. Finally, Tobey spills it: he made innocent chit-chat with the guy at the bus stop, he looked the guy in the eyes, the guy got freaked out by that and jumped Tobey, a second guy came out of nowhere and joined in, and the two of them punched and kicked Tobey until he fell to the ground. Tobey's nearly in tears, and Jack jumps in during a pause in the story to tell Tobey that it's not his fault. Tobey gasps, "All I did was smile at him." Jack looks as ill as I feel. Tobey gives Youth Officer a pleading stare. We go to commercial, and I don't have much to add. I've seen the material handled better, but it's not the hash I thought they'd make of it.
Back from the break, Dawson brings the Flash coffee. Shouldn't the Flash keep Gale company while she's, you know, having his child? The Flash says that Gale has "been in hard labor all night," but he doesn't know how she's doing, and it worries him: "There's a lot of whispering going on over there." A shot of the OB and a nurse, murmuring to each other. Dawson tells his father to go ask them what's up, but the Flash says he has, and they just tell him to relax and help Gale with her breathing. Right then, we hear Gale screeching for the Flash, and he leaves to attend to her, but not before telling Dawson, "I'm glad you're here." Dawson looks worried.
PB&B. Bessie sits alone at the kitchen table, staring into space. Joey lets herself in and, startled, asks what Bessie's doing up. Bessie says icily that she gets up at dawn every day; it's the only time she has to herself. Joey says she spent the night at the Witterschloss, but Bessie doesn't seem to hear her, asking Joey if she knows that she once climbed into Joey's crib and pushed her out. Joey cracks that Bessie must have dropped her on her head, "because that would explain a lot." Hey, she said it, not I. Joey takes a seat, and they talk about how Bessie hated Joey, because she got jealous of Joey taking their mom away, but also because she knew she'd always have to take care of Joey. Bessie changes the subject again, saying she wanted a better life for Joey, but Joey tells Bessie that she "went first," that she had to take the brunt of everything, but she didn't run away or give up even though she could have, and she "created this warm, loving, safe place." Joey adds that Bessie raised a baby and a little sister to boot, and she hopes she'll find the "strength and the courage" to make a life like Bessie's. Bessie steals a "thanks" glance at Joey, gets up, takes a product-placed First Response pregnancy test out of her purse, and hands it to Joey, saying, "I just want you to know I love you and I'm here for you, if -- if you want me." Aww. More Bessie, please. Joey's eyes fill up. From another room, Alexander starts crying, and Bessie sighs, "Another day." She goes to tend to the baby, and Joey cries into her hand.
Sars: H-hello?
Officer Sullivan: Miss Bunting? This is Officer Sullivan of the Seventeenth Precinct.
Sars: Uh...whuh...what the hell time is it?
Officer Sullivan: Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, but I'm afraid we need you to come down to the station and post bail.
Sars: Bail. Bail? For wh -- oh my god, I'm going to kill him!
Officer Sullivan: We picked up your friend --
Sars: "Friend"? Oh, he's no friend of mine, I assure you.
Officer Sullivan: Well, regardless of the nature of your relationship, we do need you to --
Sars: All right, all right, let me put some shoes on and I'll come down there. But if he's throwing up, I can tell you right now, he's spending the night there.
Officer Sullivan: Oh, he's not throwing up. Anymore.
Sars: Oh, no.
Officer Sullivan: The bond is set at five hundred dollars.
Sars: Yes. Yes, it is.
Jack stops by the House Of Tobey to take him to tutoring. Tobey says he isn't going, claiming that, because of his injuries, he's "not exactly presentable." You look presentable to me, so "present" me with your clothes and let's get this party sta -- uh. Sorry. Jack proposes telling the kids that Tobey fell off his skateboard, and when Tobey doesn't think that will play, Jack says fine, they'll tell the kids he "fell off [his] high horse." Ha! Tobey laughs; Jack tells him to get his coat, and Tobey smiles and does so while teasing Jack about suddenly becoming a "homo-activist." Jack thinks it over and says that maybe he's "just a Tobey activist." I'd join that movement. Mmmm. Anyway, Tobey says that although his ego "would like to buy that attractive piece of merchandise," he doesn't think it fits. Jack rolls his eyes and explains that he did it as much for himself as he did for Tobey -- someday he'll want to walk through a park holding hands with a boy, and he doesn't want to have to worry about it. Jack then admits that he and Tobey aren't so different, even though he used to think otherwise, and besides, if he'd left tutoring early that night, "it would have been" him instead. "You're just now realizing this?" "Well, better late than never," Jack says good-naturedly. Tobey gives him more guff about the lateness as Jack helps him down the front steps, then comments that, if Jack "were really a Tobey activist," he would have carried Tobey down the steps. Jack tells him not to push his luck. Awww. Get 'em together!
Joey checks her watch...broods...picks up the pregnancy test stick veeerrrry slowly...looks at it...it's negative. Wow. My socks just blew clear off my feet. Not. Duh, of course she's not pregnant. She smiles in spite of herself, vastly relieved.
The gang -- Grams, Jen, Gretchen, and Joey -- come to check on Dawson at the hospital. Grams is holding a teeny flower in a teeny tiny pot. I love those. Dawson's freaking out; everyone reassures him. The OB dashes past him and into Gale's room, and he tries to get some information, but she ignores him, and he flaps his arms and flounces off to the lounge. Joey follows him, and Dawson flops onto a couch and muses on the nature of death and life and broadening (whatever), and Joey says that it's not just him: "I think...the stakes have been raised for everyone." Dawson asks if she and Pacey have talked about Pacey accompanying her to Worthington year, and Joey says wanly that they haven't discussed the future much. Dawson thinks they should: "It has a peculiar way of unexpectedly becoming the present." Gee, thanks, Zen boy. Not. Joey peers at him, then tells him that Gretchen is crazy about him. Dawson sulks about the job thing. Joey asks if there's no way to "bridge the gap." Dawson hoped to find a way, but he doesn't think it's going to happen. Joey considers, then says, "Dawson -- it's not what I thought it was gonna be." What? "Sex. Isn't that what you're talking about?" Dawson laughs uncomfortably and tries to head her off, but Joey wants to tell him something, namely that sex just magnifies whatever is already present in the relationship: "I mean, if there's a problem, it gets bigger, and...if there's closeness, you get closer." I hate Joey these days, but she makes a good point here. Joey observes that Dawson and Gretchen seem pretty close, probably closer "than a lot of people who are having sex." As Dawson tries to formulate a response, the OB appears and tells him that there's someone who wants to meet him. "Really?" Dawson and Joey both make "yay!" faces and bolt to the labor room.
The Flash hovers over Gale, who has the little Leery in her lap, and she looks awfully composed and well-groomed for a woman who just spent sixteen hours in labor. Everyone gathers around to admire the new arrival. An ovary croons "Forever Young" as congratulations abound. Gale says she called out her daughter's name to get her to "join" the world, and the name -- of course -- is "Lillian." It's a lovely name, but I wish we'd had a bit more lead-up about Gale's friendship with Joey's mom; it would have made the choice a bit less cheesy. Still, Joey and Bessie exchange a happy look, which is sweet. Gale hands Dawson the baby. Incredibly, the baby neither starts screaming nor spits up as a result. Dawson introduces himself to the baby and welcomes her to the family. Sniffling. Ovary. Joey strokes the baby's hand. Pan out through the blinds.
Later, Joey picks up the phone to find Pacey "Over The Edge" Witter on the other end. He asks what's wrong, and she tells him she's okay now; she thought she had a big problem, but she "was wrong." He asks what problem, and she tells him not to worry about it: "The important thing is that you focus on yourself." Then, after a long pause: "Where are you?" Pacey says that he's "fishing with Dougie," and raves about having the time of his life and blah, and he mentions that the two of them will have to go out there sometime; he's obviously lying, but I don't know why. Joey waits about a year before saying shyly, "Yeah, we will." Okay, for real -- what's going on here? He thinks she doesn't know about the arrest...? She thinks he doesn't...okay, forget it. It doesn't even matter. Awkward pause. Pacey misses her. She misses him too. Awkward pause. Awkward hanging up.
In front of Baby Acres, Gretchen chills on the hood of her car, waiting for Dawson. Dawson gets out of the Jeep and stares at her; she gazes lustily back at him. Oh, ew. Dawson thought she had a train to catch. Gretchen sultries that the best thing about trains is that "there's always a later one." He walks over to her, and they kiss noisily, and there's a flute on the soundtrack that's entirely too happy about that. Dawson says that "this is crazy." "Insane," Gretchen agrees, pawing his chest (ew). "What are we doing?" Dawson wants to know. "Prolonging the inevitable...living in denial," Gretchen leers, continuing to finger his chest (ew, ew, ew). "Who knew denial could feel this good?" Dawson cracks. More in this "witty" vein -- there's no hope, they should break up right now, "I never want to see you again" -- and then they start kissing even more noisily (ew), and Gretchen grinds her pelvis around on the hood of the car (ew), and the flute tootles. Ew. Shut up, flute.
week: The prom. Ohhhh lordy.