In my brief but torrid (florid? horrid?) career here at MBTV, I've been fortunate enough to recap some truly seminal work. Dune is a masterpiece of sci-fi literature, and I hear tell that this whole Bible thing has managed to pick up a few fans over the years as well. But nothing I've seen yet can equal the immense pop-cultural influence of Scream -- a movie that succeeded in reinvigorating not one, but two film genres, and did so where so many others had failed (namely: Freddy, Jason, Porky, and John Hughes). So let's take a moment to celebrate a movie that's brought us more pale imitations of past success than anyone but Dubya. Ask, and ye shall receive. No credits on this one, just a smash cut into a ringing phone, and we're off. Current Angel and former Gertie Drew Barrymore moves in to answer. Surprisingly, the caller doesn't ask to speak to Elliot. This may be because it's a wrong number, as Drew says, or also maybe because Williamson was able to control himself (for just once in his life) and skip the Spielberg reference. The phone rings again, and Drew answers with a groan. This time, the "scary" voice wants to chat. In case you were curious, the voice is that of one Robert J. Jackson, who can also be heard on The Powerpuff Girls, and in several well-known video games. Anyway, they banter a bit while Drew makes popcorn, and somehow get onto the subject of horror films. Drew reports that her favorite scary movie is Halloween. The "making of" documentary on the DVD reports that Halloween is Williamson's favorite as well. Incidentally, Wes Craven's favorite is Alien, and Neve's is The Shining, so I'm not sure what went wrong here. Then Drew makes a too-cute in-jokey reference to Nightmare on Elm Street (directed by Scream director Wes Craven), and I remember exactly what went wrong. More movie meta-chat as we follow Drew into the living room. She pops a tape into the VCR, but doesn't hit play, so the screen shows that bright blue color instead. The caller asks Drew her name. "Why do you want to know?" she asks. "I want to know who I'm looking at," he replies, and Drew suddenly realizes that this one isn't going to work out like most star cameos. She checks outside, locks the doors, and then hangs up. Of course, the phone rings again. I don't know about you, but this is where I stop answering. Drew, on the other hand, picks it up twice more before the caller finally gets her undivided attention by requesting to see "what [her] insides look like." I don't know about you, but this is where I call the cops, and maybe go buy a gun while I'm at it. Drew, on the other hand, keeps answering the phone. This time she tries the old "my boyfriend will kick your ass" line, only to be burned when the caller points out that the boyfriend is bound and gagged out by the pool.
By the way, this whole "opening with a young girl in a deserted house, getting scary calls from a killer who may or may not be in said house with her" thing was done first (and much better) by Carol Kane in When a Stranger Calls. As we go along here, let's keep a running count of how many scenes, shots, lines, and ideas Kevin steals. I've got to win back my Super Bowl bets (Damn you, Kerry Collins. DAMN YOU!) so I'm setting the over/under at oh, say five thousand. Place your bets now. And yes, I'm aware that stealing ideas is sort of the point of this movie, but this is a film that truly (if incorrectly, grammar-wise) begs the question: At what point does all this stop being homage and start becoming grand theft? A frightened Drew scrunches down in the corner behind the TV. The caller offers to play a game -- he'll ask movie trivia questions, and if she gets them right, the boyfriend lives. First question: Name the killer in Halloween. Hmm, let's see. Wayne Campbell? Nope. Dr. Evil? Close, but no cigar. It's Michael Myers, from back when an excessively white-faced Mike Myers was a scary thing, instead of a funny one. Drew gets it right. up: Name the killer in Friday the Thirteenth. Drew immediately guesses Jason, which the caller knows is the wrong answer. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I knew that one too. Drew protests, but she's declared the loser, and the boyfriend gets the lovely parting gift of having his entrails spread all over the patio. I guess that's probably worse than testicular cancer, but presumably just barely. Back inside, Drew is still cowering behind the blue TV, causing Windows users across the globe to shudder at the sight of yet another blue screen of death. I'm shuddering at the sight of that joke. Anyway, a chair comes flying through the window, and a chase scene scampers in after it. Drew eventually stops running long enough to peek through a window, only to come face-to-face with the eponymously masked killer. "The Scream" was of course painted by Edvard Munch, who of course reminds me of John Munch, and since it amuses me to imagine Richard Belzer wearing that mask, I'll be calling the killer Munch from now on (or at least until it's time to start calling him Skeet). Munch punches through the window, and the chase begins anew. Running. Hiding. Stabbing. Hacking. Before Munch can finish the job, however, Drew knees him in a place that would have made me scream, and crawls away (all while maintaining a ludicrous, epoxy-enhanced death grip on the cordless phone, just so Wes & Williamson can set up the scene).
DVD Commentary Note: It's at this point in the film (read: less than five minutes in) that Williamson utters the straw that breaks the camel's back, pretentiousness-wise. So far, we've learned that Scream is "special" because it "breaks all the rules" of your typical horror movies. Now he seems to feel that killing a star of Drew "Poison Ivy" Barrymore's magnitude in the first five minutes is a revolutionary development in cinematic history, and not (as we all know it to be) a huge fucking cliché. And as long as we're discussing cinematic history, how about we give (or possibly get) it up for the Poison Ivy films -- the only soft-core porn franchise that can boast not one, but THREE highly successful leading ladies: Barrymore, Alyssa "Charmed out of her dress" Milano, and Jaime "Neither Jack nor Jill (but looks like a Jack)" Pressley. I'm surprised (and somewhat gratified) that no one's asked for recaps on those yet. Although I'd definitely be interested. Back at the ranch, or ranch-style farmhouse in this case, Drew's parents have arrived. They race inside to look for their daughter, who is of course standing just outside their dangerously limited peripheral vision. Also, a stab wound to the left shoulder can apparently render you somehow incapable of speech, since Drew can't manage much more than a gurgle. Munch grabs her, and she collapses to the ground, where he delivers the death blow. Inside, Mom picks up the phone and listens to poor Drew's final breath. Good thing she didn't drop the cordless while being BRUTALLY MURDERED. Mom makes another in-joke reference to Halloween and then rushes outside, only to discover Drew's body hanging from a tree. Okay, first of all, that one's straight out of Silence of the Lambs. Or possibly Children of the Corn, considering how lowball the rest of his references are. Secondly, there were like five seconds between when Munch stabbed her and when the Mom walked outside, and we're supposed to believe that he not only had time to kill her, but also managed to suspend her body (Lecter-style) with some kind of highly complex block-and-tackle system? Whatever. Anyway, wave bye-bye to Drew, who's among the few actors in this film to move on to brighter pastures. Or has she? Smash cut to Neve Campbell as Sidney Prescott, which I believe may represent one of Williamson's few original character names, although I'm betting Sars burns me on that one. ["The name itself isn't repeated anywhere else, but it's pretty typical of Williamson to give female characters 'boy' names." -- Sars] Sidney's dressed for bed and seated at her computer, typing away (Doogie-style) on what appears to be a journal. As she nods, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at her bedroom window (tm Poe -- hey, if Kev gets to steal, so do I).
Neve checks it out, and gets a scare when Skeet Ulrich pops out at her. Well, who wouldn't be scared? After careful consideration, I decide to save my "skeet shooting" joke for later in the recap. The Skeeter steps inside, but before he can start to annoy me, there's a knock at the bedroom door. It's Sid's dad, and not only are we subjected to ham-fisted exposition of both Sidney's goofy closet-door/barricade system and her father's mysterious trip to "the Expo," but we have to endure crappy dialogue about Expos while we're at it (note to Canadian readers: that's NOT a baseball joke). Then Dad leaves, presumably heading over to the craft services table to fix himself a meatball sandwich, since he won't be back for another ninety minutes. Now Skeet starts to annoy me. You know, I've just realized that Skeet Ulrich is basically your poor man's Johnny Depp, who is of course your thinking man's Christian Slater, who may well be the easily-amused man's Ethan Hawke. Of course, they're all just pale imitations of Jack Nicholson, or at least of Jack Nicholson before he himself became a pale imitation of Jack Nicholson (with a girlfriend who's a pale imitation of a girl). Skeet launches into some self-referential pablum about The Exorcist, and TV censorship, and PG-13 versus R and how it all symbolizes the fact that Neve won't have sex with him. Williamson gets so desperate for film-related terms with double meanings that he actually uses the phrase "raw footage" as a euphemism for sex, whatever that's supposed to mean. Anyway, they mack, points on the back-end-style. After a bit, she kicks him out, and as he leaves I finally realize that the music in this scene is Blue Oyster Cult's "(Don't Fear) The Reaper," played at what sounds to be about one-fifth normal speed. Oh, and as the Skeeter climbs out the window, Neve flashes him. How come Joey never gives us a gift like that when she's climbing out the window? day. Nifty tracking shot of Sidney arriving at school and passing a herd of reporters on the front lawn. Sharp-eyed viewers (or viewers clued in by the commentary track) can spot Linda Blair playing a reporter in the background. Pan up to my Friend and yours, Courteney Cox, playing the preposterously (as well as unoriginally) named Gale Weathers. She gets a quick blurb in, and then we're back to Sid and Rose "Mom, Dad -- meet Marilyn!" McGowan who, while never appearing in a Poison Ivy film, has managed to play the titular character in such screen gems as Devil in the Flesh and Jawbreaker. Rose fills Sid in on the demise of Drew, telling her that she won't be sitting to Sid in English class anymore.
Cut (of course) to the empty chair to Sid in English class. Before I can even quake at the prospect of a subtextually relevant Ralph Waldo Emerson reference, Sid gets called to the office. Hey, it's the Fonz! I forgot he was in this. I'm not sure whether he's supposed to be the principal or the superintendent, but I do love a sub-textually relevant Ralph Wiggum reference, so I'm gonna call him Super Nintendo Fonzarelli (which will no doubt get abbreviated to SNF as soon as I get tired of typing it). Super Ninten-- er, SNF tells Sidney that the police are just questioning all of the students to see if any of them have information about the murder. This scene also marks Dewey's first appearance in the film. I'm not sure whether it's David Arquette or one of his many interchangeable siblings, but relevant or not, I hate those damn 1-800-WHAT-EVER commercials, so I'm gonna call him 10-10-2Dewey (which unfortunately doesn't lend itself well to abbreviation). Pretty much nothing happens in this scene, so let's just move on. Outside. Rose, Neve, and Skeet are seated by a fountain, where they are joined by our final two cast members: Matt "Look at me, I'm in a movie without Freddie Prinze Jr." Lillard and Jamie "Look at me, I'm in a movie where I don't play a surveillance tech" Kennedy. They chat about the police inquiries, and Rose attempts to use Basic Instinct as support for her theory that the killer could be a woman. There's much talk about "gutting" and the various ways in which one might eviscerate another. Neve points out that Lillard's character used to date Drew, and Kennedy and Lillard get into an argument over whether Lillard is enough of a nut in a rut to cut the gut of his former slut. What? I gotta admit, this scene makes a lot more sense if you already know how the movie ends. It pains me to say that Lillard is pretty good in this movie, but I can at least admit that he made me laugh more than once here. Eventually (right around the time Kennedy starts doing his Jerry Lewis impression), Neve gets tired of all the gut-talk (and who isn't really?) and stalks off. Lillard sends us out of the scene with the best bodily-organ pun I've ever heard: "Liver alone." And oh, but speaking of déjà vu, let's consider where we might have seen these five particular characters before. You've got Neve, the spunky brunette with the dead mom and the potentially scandalous father, Skeet the annoying, self-centered (and bad-haired) soulmate, Rose the sassy blonde, Lillard the wacky but lovable sidekick who flaunts school discipline, and of course, "Probably Gay" Randy, the lone male sidekick who shall never know the warmth of love nor the sight of a subplot worthy of his presence. My God, Kevin, the addiction is so bad you're even stealing from yourself! Get. Therapy. Quick.
Cut to Sid stepping off the school bus and heading into her house. I'm not sure what kind of Expo her Dad is going to, but that is one hell of a nice house. As Sid walks around the grounds, she makes plans to spend the night at Rose's house. Once inside, she plops down in front of the TV. Man, this house is REALLY nice. Dad must be getting some kind of Expo-related tax breaks or subsidies or something. I gotta get in on that. Anyway, Sid spots Gale Weathers on TV and watches her painfully exposit even more of the ridiculously impenetrable backstory regarding Sid's mother, which after two sequels and a half-dozen viewings of this very DVD I still don't understand. Neither does Sid, apparently, as she shuts off the TV and lies down for a nap. Mmmm, naps. The incessant ringing of a phone jerks both Sidney and myself out of our naps. She answers. I just watch. Good thing, since it's for her anyway. It's Rose, who's running a bit late. She passes along an informational tidbit that may be of interest to Tom Cruise's more ardent fans, and then hangs up. Before I can drift off again, the phone rings once more. This time it's "scary" voice guy, who trots out the old "What's your favorite scary movie?" come-on again. I'm gonna have to give that one a try. It certainly can't do any worse than my patented "chicks dig a guy who says 'hump' a lot" technique. Although Sid doesn't seem to be going for it -- she says she never watches scary movies. Sir Munch-A-Lot thinks she's too scared, but Neve comes back with the film's signature line, describing scary movies as "some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act, who's always running up the stairs when she should be going out the front door." Now I'm sure Kevin Williamson meant for that line to be a veritable orgy of self-referentialism, but in point of fact only two parts of that statement are true. Firstly, the killer is indeed stupid. As for the second, well, meet me in two paragraphs. Sir Munch-A-Lot moves the conversation from the awkward getting-to-know-you stage straight into the equally awkward I'm-creepy-and-I'm-on-your-front-porch stage by basically telling Sidney, "I'm on your front porch," in a really creepy voice. She decides to call his bluff and heads outside, leaving the front door wide open and unwatched. Then she picks her nose. No, really. She does it to prove that Munch can't really see her, and for the record, he should be damn glad that he can't. More blah-de-blah about the mother, and then Sidney heads back inside.
Suddenly, Munch leaps out of the closet behind her and lunges at Sidney. By the way, that whole little closet/lunging thing? Stolen straight from Halloween, shot for ripped-off shot. On the one hand, I'm offended by such wholesale thievery. On the other, I am starting to develop a grudging respect for -- gasp -- Kevin Williamson. As someone who quite clearly has more than a passing admiration for the pretentiously clever, I do have to give him some credit here. He's essentially assembled an entire movie out of off-the-shelf components, and for the most part, it works. It really is kind of clever. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm fired. Let me just finish up this recap and I'll go clean out my desk. And I was just kidding about the clever part. It's actually pretty much a lame and hackneyed sort of thing to do. Anyway, Munch tackles Sidney. They fight, and as a cat gets fed tail first into a salad shooter on the soundtrack, Sidney runs up the Steps That Government Subsidy Built while the Masked Munch In Hysterics On a Cell Phone (MMIHOCP) chases after her (tm Ace, Sep, Sars, Djb, and Jessica respectively). Once upstairs, Sidney heads into her room and engages the closet-door force field, or whatever it is that we're supposed to believe keeps the killer at bay while she tries to call the cops. Somehow, she manages to get a busy signal from 911. She must be a Verizon customer. Instead of, oh, I don't know, maybe climbing out the window or otherwise trying to escape the knife-wielding maniac at her bedroom door, Neve chooses to take this opportunity to log on to the internet and check out Sars's piece on dealing with offensive male behavior. Apparently, she gets a few good tips, because she surfs on over to www.10-10-911.com and attempts to talk with a dispatcher via what appears to be some sort of magical DOS-based chat system. Or maybe it's AOL. Either way, it's nasty. Why is that no Hollywood movie EVER has been able to portray the internet with even the slightest shred of realism? By the way, Munchy McMoron is still banging on the door, trying to get in. Finally, he gives up, but before I can go back to being annoyed about the internet thing, Skeet climbs in through the bedroom window and my annoyance gland -- which has already swelled to the size of a small grapefruit -- ruptures, sending me to the hospital (Sars, please see attached invoice for medical and carpet-cleaning expenses). Skeet manages to calm Neve a bit. As they hug, Contrivance climbs in through the window behind them and drops a cell phone out of Skeet's pants. For the love of God and all things holy, let me never again type the phrase "out of Skeet's pants." I'd like to take a shower after that one, but Contrivance used all the hot water. Anyway, Neve sees the phone and gets all freaked out again. She disengages the force field, sets phasers on stun, and runs out of the room.
Back downstairs, Neve finally makes it out the front door. Except that when she opens it, she comes face to face with Munch. She lets out a Mulder-like girly-scream. Munch lets out a girly-scream of his own, and we realize that it's actually 10-10-2Dewey, holding the Munch mask. Oh, all right. Arquette-induced heh. Cut to Skeet, receiving an Arquette-induced reading of his Miranda rights. A couple of random cops pack him into a car and drive off. Now Rose arrives, sans both Lillard and Manson, and goes to comfort Neve, who's hanging out in the back of an ambulance. She tells 10-10-2Dewey that Neve is sleeping over. "Does Mom know?" he replies. Damn, two 2Dewey hehs in one scene. I should call all my friends to tell them about that. 2Dewey is bringing Sid down to the police station to make a statement. As they pull away, Gale Weathers shows up. She grills Rose, who isn't sharing any information. Gale ends the scene by berating her cameraman Kenny in a manner that suggests that Chandler has no idea what he's getting himself into. At the station, we get a trick shot that's supposed to make us think that Skeet and Neve are staring at each other, but they're actually in separate rooms. 10-10-2Dewey is back on the internet, trying to track down Sidney's father at his hotel. Okay, I guess that is theoretically possible, but keep in mind, this movie was written in 1994, back when the internet was still three tin cans and some string. A wide shot of the station reveals that Craven went cheap on the extras, because the place is nearly empty. Where's all the humps, and skells, and naked asses? Cut to Skeet (which isn't really what I meant by "naked ass," but okay) being interrogated by a Sheriff. Skeet tries to emote and fails miserably. Then he tries to deny involvement in Drew's murder, and I'd say his performance ranks on the believability scale somewhere between "I'm still searching for the real killer," and "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Oh, and see? The chicks just aren't digging the hump thing. So, what's your favorite scary movie? Mine certainly isn't Commandments, but that's a scary movie starring Courteney Cox, and I'm desperately in need of a segue. Outside the police station, Gale tries to bull her way in, only to be stopped by a cop right at the front door. Williamson plays the whole "the media is to blame for everything" card pretty heavily here, although not quite Natural Born Killers heavy. More like Louie Anderson heavy. Inside, 10-10-2Dewey is reporting to Sheriff Hey, It's That…Never Mind that they won't be able to get Skeet's cell phone records until the day. You mean they're not posted on the internet, along with the hotel records and the 911 dispatchers? Rose shows up to bring Neve home and gets into a sibling bicker with 10-10-2Dewey. She calls him a doofus. He tells her that "Mama says when I wear this badge you treat me like a man of the law." My mama once had to tell my sister not to put plastic bags over my head, so I'm thinking 10-10-2Dewey doesn't have much to complain about. By the way, hi Mom. 10-10-2Dewey, Rose, and Sidney try to avoid the media by sneaking out the back door.
Where (of course) they run straight into Gale Weathers. She and Sidney face off in the alley. "Just remember, I'M the star of these movies," says Neve. "So what? I make five million dollars a minute in my day job," replies Courteney. More staring. More blah blah mommy-cakes and bling-bling Gale's book on the subject. Then Sid hauls off and throws the phoniest-looking punch since Tyson-McNeely. That thing left a breeze so strong they'll be filming it for Twister 2: The Cow Strikes Back. Kenny The Cameraman says, "Nice shot!" Both Gale and I look at him like he's nuts. "No, it was a nice camera shot." Oh. Heh. Now we're in Rose's bedroom, and I have to admit that it's a bit disconcerting to see a girl you know has had sex with Marilyn Manson wearing fluffy bunny pajamas and holding a teddy bear. Anyway, Rose is all impressed with Sid's pugilistic talents, giving several demonstrations of her punching technique using the teddy bear (who hits a lot harder than Sid does). Rose really loves that bear, folks. Rose's mom stops by to tell the girls that Sid has a phone call. Neve, by the way, is wearing nothing but a t-shirt in this scene, and it's painfully obvious that they had to glue it to her legs to keep it from riding up. Anyway, Sid takes the call, and of course it's "scary" voice guy. He berates her for having Skeet arrested (which may or may not be important later), and then there's more pithy Mommie Deadest conversation before Sid finally hangs up on him. David Arquette runs out in his underwear, and hospitals everywhere report a dramatic increase in blunt-force trauma injuries to the retina. morning. Shots of an American flag, town square, et cetera. Sid, Rose and 10-10-2Dewey are having breakfast. For about the one millionth time since the movie started, Williamson busts out the hoary old device of having a "newscast" shove raw, unsanitized exposition down our throats. I think I've got shigella. Anyway, 10-10-2Dewey drives them to school. As they emerge from the car, Linda Blair gets to shout her only line: "How does it feel to be almost brutally butchered? The people have a right to know!" I guess that's probably worse than "your mother sucks cocks in hell," but just barely. Sid walks over to see Gale, who's afraid of getting her hair messed up by a right-hook-generated tsunami. Sid finally convinces her to talk, but when they do it's all about the mother and Cotton "I'm so" Weary "of this damn subplot." Whatever. We. Don't. Get. It. And we never will. None of this crap is important until the sequels anyway. Rose comes over and tells Gale, "Nice welt, sweetie." I bet with Marilyn's friends coming over all the time, she probably says that a lot. They leave, and Gale gushes about how all this will help her book sales. Yeah. She's a bitch. That much we. Do. Get.
Inside the school, Sid quizzes Lillard about Skeet. He reports that Skeet's feelings are in fact a bit hurt by the whole mistakenly-(but-not-really)-accused-of-being-a-serial-killer-by-his-one-true-love thing. Before he can expand on this line of thought, a Munch impersonator runs screaming down the hallway. Sid looks like she's going to cry. Lillard cracks up laughing, earning himself a smack from Rose. "Hello! Stupidity leak!" she says. I bet with Marilyn's friends coming over all the time, she probably says that a lot. Anyway, Neve walks down the hall and bumps into Skeet. He launches into some self-pitying pabulum about how the cops exonerated him, and how Sidney's mother died exactly a year ago, and hey, his parents are divorced too, you know, and how all this symbolizes the fact that Neve won't have sex with him. Neve is rightfully angered by this, but from a strictly Freudian perspective, his argument does have a lot of merit. Anyway, Neve gets tired of all the sex talk (and who hasn't, really?) and stalks off. Principal's office. SNF is going nuts on the two Munch impersonators. He's waving a pair of scissors all over the place, but since he's not running with them, I guess it's okay. Incidentally, Running with Scissors is the name of my band. Now SNF expels the students, and when one complains, he jams the scissors into his neck and threatens to (you guessed it) "gut" him. I can't believe Williamson actually expects us to buy the Fonz as a suspect. Yep. It's official. I can now honestly say that this movie has gone straight into the toilet. Sid steps into a stall and closes the door. Just as she does, two girls emerge and start discussing (of course) Sid. Heather #1 (cheerleader) goes on at length about how Sidney is obviously the killer, because her mom was a slut and Sidney is all messed up; Heather #2 (only non-Caucasian in the cast) is all, "You go, girl," and Sidney is all sad, and there's a really nasty shot of Heather #1's nostrils, and somebody please wake me when this scene is over. Zzzz -- what? Oh. Hi. Anyway, Sidney emerges from her stall once the Heathers are gone and goes to the sink to wash off the stank generated by their dialogue. Spooky music. Spooky lighting. Incongruous shot of the Death Fan from Final Destination. Spooky (but not really) shot of boots in one of the stalls. Suddenly, Munch lurches out and (of course) lunges at Sid. Fortunately for her, he's the most uncoordinated killer since O.J. "Couldn't Quite Hertz-Hurdle His Own Air Conditioner" Simpson. She escapes, and lives to film another sequel. Or two.
Outside, Gale and 10-10-2Dewey flirt. Gale describes herself as being "most popular amongst males eleven to twenty-four," and then proceeds to compliment 10-10-2Dewey on his "upper torso area." SNF comes over the loudspeaker to announce that school has been cancelled, and there is much rejoicing. Gale continues to pump 10-10-2Dewey for information about the case, and then Wes Craven yells cut and they go back to the trailer and he pumps her in a completely different way. Around the corner, Sid, Rose, and Lillard emerge from the school. Lillard thanks Sid for getting school cancelled, and she says, "You're welcome," because she's apparently decided not to mention the fact that she was just "almost brutally butchered" in the bathroom not thirty seconds ago. Anyway, Lillard is throwing a party. Back inside, SNF is trying on the Munch mask. Kevin still thinks we're gonna believe that the Fonz is the one racking up the dead bodies? Whatever. Everyone knows Kenny the Cameraman is the killer. I mean, duh. It's alliterative. Anyway, someone keeps knocking on SNF's door and running away, so he goes out to investigate and runs into the janitor. Given that he's Super Nintendo Fonzarelli, you'd expect the janitor to be named Mario, but in fact it's actually Wes Craven. And as if that weren't self-referential and overly precious enough, Wes is actually wearing the Freddy costume (sans claw) from Nightmare on Elm Street (Sars, please see attached invoice for anvil-related damage). SNF heads back to the office, where (of course) Munch lunges at him. I sincerely hope Munch isn't going commando under that mask. Anyway, wave bye-bye to Super Nintendo Fonzarelli, another actor who's done alright for himself. Or has he? Sid and Rose are seated on some sort of veranda that's apparently located over in the west wing of Maison de Expo. More blather about the backstory. Sid thinks the slut stuff is just a rumor, but Rose, who seems to possess a vast repository of information on the nether-regions of celebrities, tells her, "Yeah, but you can only hear that Richard Gere/gerbil rumor so many times before you have to believe it." Okay, on behalf of Richard, Cindy, Carey, and friends of the Dalai Lama everywhere, can I please just say enough is enough? This thing was tired when I heard it in the sixth grade, and now that every medical show in need of a wacky subplot has beaten it into a dazed and bloody lump of fur, can't we all just agree to let it go? Gerbils need dignity too, you know. R.I.P. my fuzzy little friend.
And just when you think it can't get any worse than having a gerbil shoved up your ass, it's time for the video store scene. If you watch this part closely, you can actually see Kevin Williamson in the background, waving a sign that says, "Look at me! I'm clever!" Randy is stocking the shelves. Some girl comes over and asks -- wait for it -- for "that werewolf movie with the mom from E.T." Oh come on. Did you really think he could resist the Spielberg reference? I mean, duh. It's axiomatic. Lillard shows up, and starts bantering with Randy about the murders. Randy rants on and on with reference after reference until he finally mentions that the cops would "save a lot of time if they just watched Prom Night." Prom Night, by the way, should really be subtitled "I Know Who You Stole From Last Summer." I must once again admit that Lillard is cracking me up. He also thinks Sid's dad is the killer, until Randy goes all meta on our asses and announces that Dad won't show up until the last reel, beaten and bloody. By the way, this whole hyperactive-annoying-movie-buff-who-works-in-a-video-store thing was done first (and much, much worse) by Quentin Tarantino. Randy tells Lillard that he thinks Skeet is the killer, and (of course) Skeet materializes behind him and attempts to be menacing. Whatever. Dullness, thy name is Skeet. Now we're outside. Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand" (and in the battle of semi-obscure singers named Nick, I prefer Cave to Drake) plays over shots of frightened townspeople and closing stores. I half expect to see Frankenstein come walking down Main Street followed by a mob with torches. Instead I get Sid, Rose, and 10-10-2Dewey, which you'd think would inspire a mob with torches, but I guess not. They discuss who should play Sidney in the movie. 10-10-2Dewey sees her as a young Meg Ryan. Uh, okay. I guess I should just be happy he didn't say Courteney Cox. Neve thinks (correctly) that it'll be Tori Spelling. I figured it would be Cloris Leachman. Rose and Sid head off to the grocery store. Neve launches into some self-analytical blither about how pretty much everything symbolizes the fact that she won't have sex with Skeet. She describes herself as a "sexual anorexic," which is fortunate, since Wild Things made me feel slightly bulimic. Rose says she's too good for Skeet "and his penis," and I don't care how cold the water is now, because I may never be clean again. Oh, and Rose, sweetie? The gerbil was too good for Skeet.
Out in the street, 10-10-2Dewey and his Ice Cream Cone Of Excessive Stage Business meet up with Sheriff Hey! It's That…Never Mind, who is the only character in the entire film that smokes. Well, that's it, then. Screw Kenny the Cameraman. Any cigarette smoker is certainly a psycho. Sheriff Psycho (that's Running with Scissors' third album, by the way) tells 10-10-2Dewey that the cell phone calls were finally traced to Sid's dad, who's nowhere to be found. Did they check the Expo? Sheriff Psycho orders 10-10-2Dewey to stay close to Sidney. A supposedly spooky shot of a police car heading down a dirt road leads us into the film's final act. Pretty much the entire cast converges on Lillard's house, which is even nicer than Sidney's. Rose and Sid take quick lap through the party, where they encounter Lillard, who's wearing a smoking jacket, drinking from a beer bong, and struggling manfully under the weight of a thousand teen-party-movie clichés. Outside, 10-10-2Dewey bumps into Gale (fake scare number three thousand and six), and invites her inside to check out the party. She agrees, and Kenny the Cameraman hands her The Tiny Camera Of One Lame Joke That Doesn't Happen For Another Twenty Minutes Anyway. Inside Randy polls the partygoers. Evil Dead or Hellraiser? Dude. That's not even a choice. It's Evil Dead every time, and twice on Sundays. Sid flips through a stack of videos and wonders why they all star Jamie Lee Curtis. Randy explains that Jamie is known as "The Scream Queen," and the DVD Extra explains more than I needed to know about Kevin Williamson's fascination with her. Enter Gale and 10-10-2Dewey, to the delight of Lillard and the dismay of Sid. Rose yells at her brother, and then Sidney pulls him aside to talk about finding her father. Beer run. Rose steps into the garage, and while BARRY WATSON'S PUBES are thankfully nowhere to be found (not even on the soundtrack), ROSE MCGOWAN'S NIPPLES are all over the damn place. She grabs a few bottles out of the fridge, and endures the mandatory horror-movie cat-jumping-out-at-you scare. When she tries to get back inside, however, she finds the door locked. When she turns around, Munch is there. She taunts him a bit, assuming it's Randy, and makes sure to mention that she can't die because she "[wants] to be in the sequel." Munch gives that crap-tastic line its due by stabbing her repeatedly. He backs her over to the fridge, and then somehow we're supposed to believe that a one-hundred-and-eighty-pound adrenaline-jacked killer is going to be knocked unconscious by a three-pound freezer door. Whatever. Rose attempts to escape by wriggling out through a conveniently-placed nearby doggie door, but her NIPPLES are apparently too big and she gets stuck. Munch comes to and gleefully presses the button. The garage door rises, dragging Rose along with it and nearly snapping her in half. I don't know who her stuntwoman was, but that looked painful. Anyway, wave bye-bye to Rose, who's career trajectory should be landing her butt-naked on the cover of For Him Magazine any day now.
Inside, however, Sid is still looking for her. Instead, she finds Skeet, and they head upstairs to Lillard's parent's bedroom to, uh, talk. Yeah, that's it. As they leave, Lillard mocks the Sid-smitten Randy with, "As if!" to which Randy replies, "Shut up, Alicia," and I have to turn my TV off and run far, far away. Where (of course) I run straight into Gale Weathers. She listens as Kenny the Cameraman delivers The Hackneyed Exposition Of The Thirty-Second Delay Necessary For The One Lame Joke That Doesn't Happen For Another Twelve Minutes Anyway. Bedroom of Non-Sexual Non-Tension. Or, Bedroom of Blue, as Sid is in all denim, and Skeet is in navy plaid. They look like something Picasso might have painted in the throes of a particularly nasty hangover. Neve apologizes for pretty much everything she's ever done, and says she's ready to have sex now. I don't even need to mention the sort of vitriolic sidebar this sort of thing would have inspired had it occurred at Kevin's (former) day job, since pretty much everyone over the age of six knows that a) you should wait until YOU'RE ready, and b) this is a total betrayal of the character of Sid as written, and is here only so Wes & Williamson can set up the scene. Skeet bursts the stitches on my annoyance gland by announcing that "life is one great big movie." They kiss. Don't do it, Neve! Pacey deserves your V-Card way more than this guy does. Heck, even Jeremy London does (or was it Jason? And is there any difference?). Neve says she wishes she were in a Meg Ryan movie, or maybe "a really good porno," and after Three to Tango and Drowning Mona, I'd say she's about six months away from getting that wish in Poison Ivy 4: This Time She's A Screamer. More kissing, and they collapse onto the bed. Downstairs, the kids are all watching Halloween. Randy seems to possess an encyclopedic knowledge of Jamie Lee Curtis' breasts, which would make him a better fit for Rose than for Sid. That makes sense too, considering that Rose is dead and we all know Randy ain't gonna get the girl. He pops up and delivers the famous "rules" speech. Rule One: Never have sex. I brace myself for a cut to Skeet and Neve, but Wes spares me (for now). Rule Two: Never drink or do drugs. Lillard (of course) chugs his beer. Rule Three: Never say, "I'll be right back." Do I really need to tell you what happens ? Outside, Gale and Kenny watch The Footage From The Tiny Camera Of You Don't Want To Hear All That Again. Call me when all this matters (six minutes). Dewey shows, and invites Gale to check out an abandoned car with him. Maybe that should be my new line. Anyway, this scene serves to provide definitive proof that Courteney's Friend Joey was right -- co-stars that sleep together have no chemistry on-screen.
Now Wes is through sparing my tender sensibilities. As Randy prepares us for "the obligatory tit shot," we cut to Sid, taking off her bra. At the last second Skeet steps in to block the shot, and I'm not sure whether to be thankful or annoyed about that one. They move to the bed, and I'm moved to do something I rarely get mad enough to do -- yell at the screen. "Don't do it, Sid!" I say, "Pacey deserves your V-Card way more than this guy does. Heck, even Jeremy London does." (Or was it Jason? And is there any difference?). She ignores me, and they mack, upcoming projects-style. Despite the fact that I've already stolen way too much from my fellow recappers, I'm a bit saddened that I couldn't find a way to work in the phrase "nasty little chipmunk boner" (tm Sars -- there's a reason she's the boss, people), because it's SO appropriate. Downstairs, Williamson disguises his need to get all the unimportant kids out of the house before the finale as a lame gesture towards temporal continuity, and sends them all driving off to the school to check out Super Nintendo Fonzarelli's body, which has just been discovered hanging (Lecter-like) from the stadium goalposts. Down the road a bit, Gale and 10-10-2Dewey flirt some more, mostly by making fun of how stupid their names are. I'll restrain myself (for once in my life) from pointing out to Kevin that mocking your own bad writing doesn't it make it any better (primarily because I do it all the time. Like now). They're almost run over by the kids racing off to play SNF Madden 2000, and end up rolling into the woods. They land on top of one another (of course), and share a tender moment. Arquette's facial expression here suggests not so much a man in love as it does a man with a gerbil in his rectum, and I totally don't understand what Courtney Cox sees in this guy. (Note: In the interests of journalistic integrity, I should probably reveal that Courtney, circa "Dancing in the Dark," was my first true love, and that may be affecting my judgment here. I just don't get the entire Arquette family. They're strange and slightly off-putting. Then again, I guess I should just be happy she didn't marry Schwimmer.) Post-coital fade up. Sidney is dressing. Skeet is sitting on the floor for some reason. Sid asks who he called with his one phone call from jail. Skeet says his dad, but she busts him on it because she saw Psycho Sheriff do that. She theorizes that it would have been pretty clever of him to use that call on her (the one she got at Rose's house) so she wouldn't think he was the killer. They keep talking about this for like a week, and while it does work in terms of continuity and it is something a clever killer would have done, it's also completely irrelevant and a waste of time. Just because you thought it up doesn't mean you have to throw it in, Kev. A quick check of my word count to this point (35,503) suggests that maybe I should shut up about that one. Suddenly, Munch lunges (of course) into the room and stabs Skeet, who dies (but not really).
Sidney bolts out of the bedroom, and yet another chase scene scampers after her. Hallway. Stairs. Attic. Roof. Sidney falls off and lands on a boat. Apparently, it's one of those newfangled Nerf boats they're showing at all the Expos, because she hops right up and runs off, stopping only to check out Rose, who's still folded, spindled, and mutilated in the garage door. Inside, Randy is all alone (of course) and watching a far finer film than I (Halloween (of course)). He watches Jamie Lee Curtis backing away from the camera and feels compelled to yell, "Look behind you!" about a hundred times. Hey, we all go a little mad sometimes, right? Now, if he'd left it at that, Williamson would have made a nice, subtle reference to one of the all-time horror movie clichés. Instead, he has Munch come up behind Randy so we can see Randy ignoring his own advice. Just as he's about to strike, Munch hears something and turns away. I'm not sure exactly what's going on with the continuity here, but apparently what Munch heard was Sidney, who's now running through a cornfield that may or may not be hundreds of miles away. I guess it isn't, because she rounds the corner and runs up to the TV van. She climbs inside, and she and Kenny watch The Tiny Camera Of The Lame Joke That's Finally Arrived; as they watch Munch coming up behind Randy, we see Munch coming up behind the van, and Williamson scores a meta-cinematic hat trick by having the audience warning Sid, who's warning Jamie Kennedy, who's warning Jamie Lee Curtis (with bonus style points for the double Jamie). Clever or crap? Hard to tell, but maybe Kevin should give this "look behind you" thing a try, because it looks like the demise of his career could be back there, and objects may be closer than they appear. Anyway, Kenny opens the door, and Munch slits his throat. Sid crawls out the back of the van, and the chase begins anew. Meanwhile, Gale and 10-10-2Dewey have made their way back to the action. He goes in to search the now-deserted house, and plays the scene like Schwarzenegger on speed. Or maybe it's just an Arquette on acid. Either way, it's nasty. Outside, Gale goes to her van, and is forced to endure the mandatory horror-movie discovering-you're-standing-in-a-pool-of-blood shot. She climbs in the van and tries to drive away. Before she can get it started, Randy appears at the window, and she decks him in what may be the funniest shot in the whole movie. She flips on the wipers, and the windshield fills with blood, causing me to flash back to high-school driver's ed. As she peels away, Kenny's body slides down onto the windshield, and she has to spin the wheel to dislodge him. Then she spins it again to swerve away from Sid, and ends up smacking right into a tree.
Sid decides to ignore this turn of events completely, and runs back up to the house. She spots 10-10-2Dewey, who spins around just like R2-D2ewey does every time he gets a shock. Sid calls out to him, but he just beeps incoherently and collapses, revealing a blood-soaked Munch. Sid flees to the nearby police car and locks herself inside. She's feeling pretty safe, until Munch appears at the window, keys in hand. That one's stolen from another movie too, and don't think it isn't killing me that I can't remember which one. There's some business with Munch opening and closing various doors, and then he climbs inside and Sid kicks him in the (of course) gut. How is it that the smallest person in the movie keeps kicking everyone's ass? She runs, and Munch vanishes. Sid moves over to 10-10-2Dewey and picks up his gun. Just then, Randy and Lillard appear, each claiming that the other is the killer. It quickly degenerates into a big he said/she said shouting match (and I'm not going to tell you which is which, but you can ask Freddie Prinze Jr.). They both beg for her assistance. Sid looks torn, but finally says "I choose me" (or possibly "I choo-choo-choose me" (or possibly (actually) nothing at all)) and slams the door on both their asses. Behind her, Skeet falls down the steps, and that almost made putting up with him until this point worthwhile. He convinces Sid to give him the gun. Skeet lets Randy in, and we get a glamour shot as he says, "We all go a little mad sometimes," and shoots Randy in the chest. Unlike me, Skeet gives the tm -- Norman Bates in Psycho. At least my rip-off wasn't as bad as Van Sant's. Skeet licks his bloody finger and says, "Corn syrup. Yum." See, I told you. Now Lillard appears and demonstrates the little piece of plastic that we're supposed to believe is creating the "scary" voice effect. They taunt Sid, explaining how they framed Liev "Wake Me For The Sequel" Schreiber for her mother's murder. Sid inquires as to their ultimate motives, but they seem to feel that motives are boring and incidental. Then Skeet explains his (his dad slept with her mom or something) and I can confirm that yes, they are boring and incidental. Lillard tells her that they have one more surprise for her, and "it's a scream, baby." Wes and Williamson stop slobbering all over each other on the commentary soundtrack to reaffirm for the ninth time that Scream is the greatest movie title ever. Putting aside for the moment the obvious slight to The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (check the cast!), I'd just like to point out that while Scream is indeed multivalent, it's not necessarily profound, so shut up, Kevin. The surprise turns out to be the Randy-predicted father, who they've got bound and gagged in a closet. Now for the fun part: Skeet and Lillard stab each other repeatedly, which is apparently somehow part of their brilliant plan. Actually, I don't care about the reasons. I just like watching in slow-motion. Sid tells them, "You've both seen too many movies." They're not the only ones. Skeet replies, "Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative," which is actually a pretty good line that gets ruined by Skeet's atrocious delivery.
Suddenly, Lillard notices that the gun is missing, and then Gale appears, said gun in hand, and proceeds to recap the last five minutes or so. You'd better leave that to the professionals, honey (which, after that last sentence, makes you wonder what I'm doing here). Anyway, Skeet notices that the safety is on, so he grabs the gun and knocks her out. This movie has more concussions than Eric Lindros (note to American readers: that WAS a hockey joke.). She falls all romantically onto 10-10-2Dewey, but before Skeet can turn off the safety and shoot her, he notices that Sid and her dad are gone. The phone rings. It's Sid, using a scary voice of her own. Skeet runs off to search for her while she chats with Lillard. His motive: "Peer pressure. I'm far too sensitive." On the commentary track, Craven enthuses about a "hilarious" ad-lib Lillard came up with when Skeet accidentally hit him with the phone -- which turns out to be: "Ow. You hit me with the phone," only he swears a lot. What more can I say? The boy is clearly a comic genius. Lillard is petrified that his parents will find out he's a killer. I'm afraid mine will find out that I've forgotten their anniversary, which is this week sometime. By this point, both killers are covered in blood and more than a little woozy. Skeet goes nuts and tears up the living room. Then he hears something, and moves in to check out a closet door. Suddenly, the closet bursts open (of course) and Munch lunges out (of course) and stabs Skeet with an umbrella. Munch peels off the mask to reveal Sidney, and I have to question why she felt compelled to dress up in a costume worn by her mother's killer, when that same killer is busy searching the house for her. Wouldn't that time have been better spent calling the police, or running away, or even calling her agent and nailing down that Poison Ivy 4 deal? At this moment, Lillard charges her, and there's more fighting and chasing. Sid finally disposes of him by dumping the TV on his head, which is either self-referential commentary, or just lame and hackneyed. Actually, they both work. Now Randy finally wakes up, and informs us that he's "never been so happy to be a virgin." See if you still feel that way after the sequels, buddy. , Skeet wakes up, and again with the fighting and the stabbing. Finally Gale wakes up, and shoots Skeet. For some reason they all choose to gather around the body and discuss horror movies, which is a perfectly natural reaction to repeatedly escaping death. Randy goes meta one last time and says, "This is where the supposedly dead killer comes back for one final scare," and needless to say, that's exactly what happens. Pull! Sid shoots him. By the way, that was the skeet-shooting joke, so I guess I wasn't so much saving it as postponing the inevitable. Anyway, as the sun rises over Lillard's house, 10-10-2Dewey is loaded into an ambulance. On the lawn, Gale has apparently scraped together a trained camera crew out of paramedics and bystanders, because she's delivering the raw, unsanitized exposition, er, newscast that closes the film. She walks into the house, and we fade out.
So that's it, kids. Somehow, I've ended up enjoying this movie in spite of itself. Sure, it's overly clever and pretentious, but hey, we all go a little mad sometimes, right? Then again, it's recently been pointed out to me that I'm weird (which I just assumed you people already knew), so maybe that accounts for it. Either way, this film will go down in history as the one thing most responsible for the fame of Kevin Williamson, and in the end, maybe that's all you really need to know about it.