Props to Kim, with whom I watched this craptacular episode, and to Sars, who's agreed to do the two in a row. Props, also, to the DC writers; just when I thought "The Longest Day" was the worst episode of all time, they topped themselves, and forced me to make this whole recap, like, one big PSA to caution any impressionable girls and boys in the audience that everything Dawson says and does is the opposite of what you, or the people you love, or the people who claim to love you, should say and do. Anti-props to HostPro. They know why. So do you, by now, I hope.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Dawson was a whiny bitch.
Oh goody, a montage set to crappy Matchbox Twenty-ish "music." Fade up on the Leery Non-Love Non-Shack. In the Sanctum Dawsonorum, Dawson "Piddly Snot" Leery cradles Aunt Gwen's painting of l'il Dawson and Joey, and broods.
Joey "Henri Doormatisse" Potter stares at the wall Pacey leased for her, and pouts.
Pacey "Dissed and Dismissed" Witter -- sporting a new too-short haircut -- hoses off his boat, and scowls.
Jen "Maude" Lindley walks out Grams's front door, closely followed by Grams "Smackdown" Ryan herself, to see Henry "Stalking the Stalk" Parker standing in front of the house holding a sign that reads, "JEN LINDLEY: WOULD YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME?" Jen turns on her heel and walks back into the house; Grams follows, but not without shooting Henry a wry smile. Henry looks...well, I'd like to say "mournful" but it's really more like "stupid."
Dawson struts the hall at Capeside High, looking smug. He pauses for a moment when he sees Pacey at his locker, then leans forward and keeps walking all the faster. Pacey shakes his head as if to say, "What a baby." Or perhaps I'm reading into it.
In the cafeteria, Joey carries a tray and glances around for a place to sit. Her gaze alights first upon Dawson, sitting alone; when he looks back, it is not with a very welcoming expression. Then she sees Pacey, also sitting alone; his face lights up for a split second when he sees her, then falls, because he knows she can't sit with him as long as The Head is in the vicinity. Joey sees Jack "Jodie Dallas" McPhee, looking (it must be said) really hot in a tight black t-shirt. He smiles warmly and starts to move stuff at the table to make room for her. Remember when he and Joey used to be friends? Come on, think hard. Joey rushes toward him gratefully until she sees that he's sitting with Andie "I Can Have My Cake And Eat It, Too" McPhee, who glares at Joey. With one glance back at Dawson, Joey sits at a table with a bunch of strangers.
As the montage draws to a close, Joey sits hugging her knees, staring at her wall. Dawson and his size 60 chinos lurch up behind her; she turns at the sound and wearily says, "You know, if you came here to discuss me and Pacey, you're wasting your breath, because --" "Pacey's the last person I want to talk about. Trust me," Dawson says flatly, squatting down beside her and wringing his hands. "I came here to talk about us," he explains. Apprehensive, Joey says nothing, but is probably mentally calculating how far away from this conversation she could get if she caught Dawson unawares and took off running. He'd probably be impeded by the weight of his pants; I think she could make it. But apparently fear has her rooted to the spot so she has to listen as Dawson continues, "I want you in my life." She stares at him some more, and then asks, "And Pacey?" Sternly, Dawson says, "Joey, that damage has been done. I came to salvage the one relationship that I need more than any other, and that's ours." "How?" she asks. Dawson suggests, "Let's rebuild. Let's...take a walk. Let's have a picnic. Watch a movie." Joey chuckles bitterly at the inadequacy of Dawson's plans and says, "After everything that's happened, how could I possibly climb that ladder into your bedroom and watch a movie?" Dawson says he's not asking her to disregard what's happened, but to move forward, with him, from here. Of course, what he fails to appreciate is that unless she does disregard what's happened, she couldn't possibly move forward, or move anywhere, with him, unless he wants to move forward, alone, off a cliff. Joey looks distressed, and slowly says, "You know what? All I want to do right now, Dawson, is paint my wall." Dawson squints at said wall and says, "Well, it's a freestanding invitation. Anytime you want. You know where I live." Uh, is it the tallest freestanding invitation in the world? Because I thought that was the CN Tower. The phrase is "standing invitation," morons!
After the credits, the commercials, and some establishing shots of downtown Capeside, and then the pier, we see a banner telling us that, once again, it's time for the Capeside Regatta. ["Of which we've never heard tell before." -- Sars] Cut to an upside-down "International House of Fishcakes" logo on a piece of navy-blue fabric that, since a pair of hands is smoothing it on a table top, looks like a tablecloth. (Okay, it really says "Leery's Fresh Fish," but I don't care.) The Flash comes up behind Mrs. Flash (since the hands were hers) and compliments her on looking "particularly lovely this tourist season" (so...does she look "off" in the off-season?). In fact, she looks like mutton that raided a lamb's closet; she has on this red tank top with ruching just between her boobs and a white skirt (which is a "don't" in my book all on its own) with some kind of red diamond pattern, like, Gale, hi, just because you FINALLY got a half-decent haircut doesn't mean you have our permission to start dressing like Christina Aguilera. Anyway, Mrs. Flash makes some banal comment about the year going by quickly, and the Flash says that each year is getting "exponentially shorter" while across the country mathematicians yell, "Exponen -- ah, fuck it." Mrs. Flash says that, that being so, they should be trying all the harder to make each day count, and the Flash pretends not to know what she means and instead directs his attention to the navy thing with the logo and starts making noises of concern.
Mrs. Flash reminds him that they "made this arrangement with Pacey weeks ago." The Flash protests, "Yeah, but in light of what happened --" and Mrs. Flash says that "it's just a boat race," and one that they (the restaurant, I assume) could "very much benefit from" (and I hope this restaurant gig works out for her -- nice grammar, Supposed Ex-Journalist) and as Dawson emerges from the restaurant in a blue IHOF polo shirt, the Flash suggests that he's "not sure Dawson would see it that way." Dawson asks what they're talking about, and then looks at the cloth and asks, "What's the flag?" Oh. It's a flag. Mrs. Flash explains that, a month ago, IHOF offered to sponsor Pacey's boat in the regatta. Her cleavage adds, "Hey, look at me! I'm still sexy, right?" Mrs. Flash says, "We thought the two of you would be doing it together, but with what's happened, we don't expect that you'd want to do that." Sarcastically, Dawson snots, "I appreciate your concern." Clapping Dawson on the shoulder, the Flash says, "Dawson, you're more important than the restaurant. We'll pull out of the race." We don't cut to Mrs. Flash yelling, "Um, hi? I STILL WORK HERE," but fortunately for her, Dawson shrugs, "You don't have to do that. If it's important to Mom and the restaurant, it's fine." Mrs. Flash says that she's not trying to defend Pacey, but that she'd hate to see Dawson lose his best friend. Dawson shrugs even harder and says, "I'm fine. All right? I'll even take the banner to him myself." Very soap-opera-ish music of great foreboding starts up as the Flashes pinch their noses in sympathy for the devil -- I mean, "for Dawson."
Will "Jake Hanson" Krudski assists Pacey on the True Love. Pacey stares impassively at the pier, where Dawson stands, handing the folded flag to Pacey. Pacey unfolds it, thanking him, and noting that he could have picked it up himself. Dawson tightly says, "It's no problem." Wearily (notice how that adjective seems to apply to people who have to talk to Dawson?) Pacey says, "If you want me to drop out of this race, you're going to have to ask me yourself." Dawson shrugs, of course, and tells Pacey he doesn't care what Pacey does. Pacey indicates the flag in his hand and says, "I'm only doing this to help your mother." "The way you helped Joey?" Dawson chirps. Pacey sighs, "Look, if you want to stay angry, stay angry. It really doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm just glad it's finally directed at the right person." Dawson spits, "Oh, save it, Pacey." Pacey slowly looks up with Richie Aprile-style Manson lamps like he's thinking about "saving" Dawson in a vacuum-sealed box, as Dawson goes on, "You know, everyone else might buy this chivalrous, self-deprecating crap -- I don't." Dawson, no one wants to sell anything to you, except maybe a ten-gallon vat of cyanide. Or a twenty-gallon vat of Nair.
Back at the commercial part of the pier, Joey is complaining to Bessie "The Other Sister" Potter about having to make and serve pancakes at the race registration table as a marketing strategy for the B&B. Bessie suggests that she might enjoy scrubbing toilets or making beds more, but before she can finish her thought, she glances over at Pacey, who's raising the IHOF flag on the True Love, and says, "That's the last name I expected to see on Pacey's boat." Joey turns and gazes at the flag with wonder and relief. Bessie continues, "That's a good sign. Are they talking again?" "Hopefully!" Joey grins. Bessie asks Joey whether she's managed to "mend any fences yet." Joey tells Bessie about her conversation with Dawson at the wall, and says that it doesn't feel right to her to restore her friendship with Dawson while he and Pacey still aren't speaking. Bessie tells Joey to leave the reconciliation of Dawson and Pacey to themselves: "They're big boys. They'll work it out. Besides, you saw the banner. Maybe they already have." Joey looks at the flag again, looking like she wants to be convinced.
At Grams's house, Jack, Andie, and Jen all assemble floral wreaths for the regatta winners. Jack, getting frustrated, snorts, "You know, it's moments like these I'm convinced I'm straight." Grams teases him about creating "a jubilant public display" and tucks a flower behind his ear (aw!) but then Andie ruins the touching moment by crowing, "Ohhhhh! Looks like we're not the only ones creating a public display!" Jen follows her gaze out the window, where Henry is, once again, standing on the damn lawn with his damn sign. Girls (and boys): It's called stalking, and it's not cute and romantic; it's a crime. Jen says, "Could this possibly be more embarrassing? How long can he last?" but she's smiling, and is flattered by the attention, which is just about the best way to encourage a stalker. Jack asks how long Henry's been at it, and Jen tells him it's been a week, and that yesterday he stood outside the window for an hour. "In the rain," Grams adds, looking amused. Jack asks what Henry did to merit his getting the boot in the first place, and Jen says that she'd defended Henry to Grams as being more than a typical teenage boy with a one-track mind. Andie asks, "And...?" Jen snorts, "Typical teenage boy. One-track mind." Grams says, "I don't know what you expect. All healthy, normal boys want the same thing," and that "to err is human -- to forgive, divine. Hasn't he paid enough penance?" Jen considers. Wing Chun pulls up Amazon and orders Jen a copy of The Gift of Fear.
As he and Andie carry Grams's wreaths along the pier, Jack asks, "Dawson, how do you remember our dad has a boat? I don't even remember our dad has a boat." Rubbing his hands together, Dawson asks, "The question is, is he using it this weekend?" Andie wryly says that Angry only takes it out twice a year -- "Memorial Day and Labor Day" -- so he probably isn't using it this weekend. That being so, Dawson asks whether he could borrow the boat. Has Dawson ever met Angry McPhee? Where does he get the gall even to form the idea of using his boat? Jack laughs in his face and says Dawson can't. Dawson ACTUALLY ASKS, "Why not?" Jack says, "Because pieces of the last boat that you borrowed are still floating around the creek, that's why!" Such a good point. Dawson tries turning on the non-charm, but since he's squinting straight into the sun and his face is all pinched, he looks more constipated than sincere: "Look, I really need a sailboat, okay? I've entered the regatta." Wouldn't the person who accepted his registration ask him -- I don't know, the license number of his boat, or at least ITS NAME? And shouldn't you have thought of that before you entered? GOD. Jack asks, "Whoa, isn't Pacey racing?" Dawson says he is, and Jack asks, "Well, don't you think pistols at dawn would be a more suitable -- not to mention romantic -- way to settle this thing?" Dawson looks down, which is unfortunate, because it draws the viewer's attention to the poor old stringy, bleached-out hunks of hair jutting out from the crown of his head like albino straw. Andie pipes up (trying to sound more supportive to Dawson than bitter at Pacey, and failing), "What is the problem with Dawson seizing the day? Pacey most certainly did." Dawson claims that it's not about Pacey, but Joey: "Look, I've spent the last two months lying on my bed staring at empty walls. It's no wonder Joey got away from me." Actually, she tried to get back together with you in the fall, and you rejected her, and that is how Joey got away from you. Dawson continues, "This is my chance to actually show her how much I care. You've got to help me." By entering an overblown pissing contest against the guy she actually does like? It's more likely to "actually show her" what a self-involved ass you are, and that, she already knows. Jack says, "It's not right." Andie snaps, "No, Jack, you know what? I'll tell you what's not right: Watching the person you love throw everything away so they can be with someone else." Yeah. And that's what you did when you screwed around on Pacey when you were still dating -- not what he did months and months after he dumped your ass. But she's not done: "Listening to [the person you love] lie to your face day after day. That's not right." Again, that was all you. Finally she says: "So if you're not going to help Dawson, I will." Jack all but throws up his hands and relents.
Dawson moves through the maze of craft vendors and stops beside the registration table to gaze for a moment as Joey -- looking very pretty in a yellow peasant blouse and a ponytail -- serves pancakes. He walks up and she turns and chirps, "Hey!" in a genuinely friendly tone. WHY? She offers him a pancake and he takes it, thanking her. Meaningfully, she says, "Thank you, Dawson." Beaming, he replies, "You heard already." She says, "Well, I have to admit, I mean, I had my doubts as to whether or not things would get better, but when I saw your restaurant's banner on Pacey's boat, I just felt this huge sense of relief." Dawson's face darkens at the mention of Pacey's name, and he chokes, "That's what you're thanking me for?" Joey, not knowing what else there is for which she should thank him, says, "Yeah...?" Evidently thinking the news is going to make her drop her pants right there on the dock, Dawson says, "I thought Bessie might have told you already....I'm entering the boat race." Joey asks who his sponsor is, and he says, "You are....I'm being sponsored by the Potter B&B." Joey laughs a little incredulously and says, "We can't afford the entry fee," and Dawson says it's taken care of. He hands her a slip of paper (evidently showing that the Flash has paid the fee) and takes a bite of pancakes. Joey furrows her brow and Dawson, trying for nonchalance, says, "Your sister was pretty psyched about the idea," and Joey says, "I'm sure she was." Dawson explains (because we all know how slow Joey is), "A victory -- however slim my chances might be -- would guarantee the B&B the cover of the tourist brochure. You guys would be booked the whole season." Joey screws up her courage and blurts, "I really don't think this is such a good idea." Looking for all the world like a WASPy college date rapist, Dawson lies, "It's not what you think, all right? All I want to do is help. If I needed help, you'd be there for me, right?" Joey shakes her head slightly and says, "Dawson --" "Of course you would," he concludes for her, adding, "so sign me up and wish me luck." He hands her back the plate and takes off before she can punch him out.
I'd like to comment on Road Trip, but words fail me. So why not check out what what Gwen said?
Joey morosely flips pancakes. Bessie comes up behind her saying, "Before you get mad at me --" but Joey cuts her off: "You know what? You're about three hundred pancakes and one sponsored sailboat too late for that, Bessie." I hate to back Joey over Bessie, but except for the pancake part, she's right. Bessie says, "He begged to enter the race on our behalf, and are we really in a position to turn down free advertising?" Joey replies, "It's not free! Okay, Dawson may have put down the cash, but you're obligating me --" "What? To appreciate his friendship?" Bessie asks. Okay, someone who reads Dawson's Desktop will have to tell me: Are Bessie and Aunt Gwen email pals or something? Joey explains the obvious: "This isn't about friendship! Dawson wants to beat Pacey." Bessie smirks, "Well, if two boys want to compete on our behalf, I say let 'em race!" How sensitive of you, Bessie!
Joey, brandishing her spatula like a weapon, says, "This was supposed to stop. I mean, we broke it off, and it was all just supposed to stop!" Bessie says, "What did you expect, Jo? That you would end things with Pacey and then all of a sudden things would just go back to the way they were? It's the hardest part of being an adult, sis. Your actions have consequences, forcing life to constantly move forward. Why do you think they call it growing up?" What? I didn't get any of that, and as far as I can tell, the only consequence Joey's had to deal with is Dawson's whiny bitchery, which no mortal can possibly assuage. Sullenly, Joey asks Bessie what her advice in this situation would be, and Bessie says, "Accept the consequences, and do something to make things better." See what I mean? That sounds a lot like Dawson's advice. Joey muses.
At McPhee Manor, Andie works at her desk when she hears a knock at the door and invites the knocker in -- it's Kruddy. He says that Jack let him in. Andie asks whether Jack and Dawson are still downstairs "going over Sailing for Dummies." Kruddy says that the reason he came by is that he was able to find a rare edition of Sailing for Easter Island Statues and thought it would be perfect for Dawson. Just kidding. He says they're going out to get some "hands-on experience." Andie says that it looks like Kruddy and Pacey will have some competition after all. Kruddy says that's not why he came by: "I got some really good news. That scholarship to Raleigh? It came through." I guess that's the name of the school on Young Americans. She hugs him and says that "now [he] won't have to worry about [his] dad anymore." Kruddy says he's worried about Pacey. Hasn't he just started hanging out with Pacey again for the first time since like fourth grade? What does he care? Andie gets all pinched and says, "Yeah, well, Pacey and Joey brought this situation on themselves, all right?" Kruddy asks, "Why, because they developed feelings for each other and had the guts to do something about it?" Andie looks betrayed, and asks him if that's how he sees it, adding, "We were all friends." Oh, please. You went out with Joey, like, once. You have no friends. Kruddy tells her that Joey and Pacey didn't set out to hurt Andie. Andie says, "Yeah, well, once upon a time I 'didn't set out to hurt' Pacey, either, but he offered me no forgiveness, and our relationship came to an earth-shattering halt." Yeah, when he DUMPED YOU, because you were GOING OUT AT THE TIME -- that's the difference between then and now! MY GOD! Kruddy tells her that "if [she] can't let go of all this anger," she won't ever be able to be friends with Joey and Pacey again: "And instead of you being this warm-hearted, cheerful person that I met on spring break, you'll just end up being the kind of person that I feel sorry for." She looks away, and he adds, "And I know you're better than that." She pouts.
Oh, Lord. Angry's boat is called "Carpe Diem," which is why Andie kept going on about Dawson's "seizing the day" before. Anyway, Dawson and Jack work on it, and in the process, Dawson moves a sail and clocks Jack in the back of the head with it. Dawson solicitously asks if Jack's okay, and when Jack doesn't answer, Dawson says, "Okay, so that doesn't happen again, tie the rope to the thing." Jack sputters, "What the hell's 'the thing'?" Heh. Dawson explains, "The metal thing." Jack snaps, "Oh, that helps, Popeye." HA! From the dock, the voice of the Flash rings out: "It's called the aft winch. And if you don't tighten that jib sheet and secure your tiller, it's not going to be pretty." I say, "Ah, the Flash. Is there anything he can't do?" Kim offers, "Well, get a job. Or maintain his marriage. Or raise a tolerable child. But other than that, there isn't anything." More sailing crap follows, but I don't care, and I'm fairly sure y'all don't, either. Long story short, the Flash offers to be on Dawson's crew, and Dawson accepts. As Jack and the Flash loiter in the stern (heh) ["and I burst into a rendition of the Village People's 'In The Navy'" -- Sars], Dawson scampers up to the bow and runs up a Potter B&B flag. Okay, he had it made up the same day? Like Capeside even has a Kinko's, much less a place that puts iron-on transfers for polyester flags. Plus, who designed the logo? Knoll? Oh, god, whatever.
Anyway, Joey's getting a cool, refreshing Coca-Cola Classic from the snack bar just in time to see the flag at the top of the mast. Exasperated, she turns to stomp off and stomps straight into Pacey, who's also staring at it, and before she can say anything, he beats her to the stomp. She follows, stammering, "Look, Pacey, this wasn't my idea. I didn't ask him to do it, but you know Dawson -- once he gets something in his mind --" She stops at the site of his pained, dark expression, and lamely offers, "Sorry," and he asks, "If it wasn't your idea, why are you apologizing?" She says, "Because you're obviously upset." Sternly, he says, "I'm upset because we haven't spoken in two weeks, and now when we finally do, the first words out of your mouth -- as per usual -- are about Dawson." She guiltily shifts her weight from one foot to the other and says, "Well, this conversation is about to get harder, Pacey." He leans his head back a little with the realization: "You want me to drop out, too." She blinks, and shifts her weight some more, and doesn't say anything, and Pacey marvels, "Wow. Dawson Leery couldn't have scripted this one any better, could he?" She asks what he means, and he explains, "Don't you get it? No matter what I do, he wins. If I drop out, he wins. If I stay in the race, I'm forced into direct competition with the guy, and if I actually win, I don't beat him, I beat you. So guess who really wins there?" Joey looks sad, because she knows he's right, but then she shrugs and stammers, "Well...maybe you could talk to him? I mean, try to work it out." Pacey drawls, "Yeah, we tried that. He doesn't really want to talk to me right now, and when he does, it's not entirely civil." Joey implores him to try again. Pacey agrees: "Yeah, if that's what you want. If that's all that you want." She looks down and confirms, "That's all that I want." Pacey says, then, that's what he'll do. She thanks him and stumbles off. He breathes, "Yeah," and then calls after her, "Hey, Potter." She turns back, and he murmurs, "It was nice talking to you." She presses her lips together and continues on her way. Pacey ambles off in the other direction. Could Dawson suck the joy out of any more lives in this episode? He is so undeserving of this much kid-glove treatment. They should just leave him to stew in his own stank juices, the selfish ass.
Jen is performing her duties as hostess at IHOF when Mrs. Flash pulls her aside and advises her that Henry's continuing stalking -- now he's standing outside the restaurant with his stupid sign -- is bad for business, and that Jen had better go get rid of him. Mrs. Flash even uses the expression "annoying and psychotic," so clearly, Sars and I are not alone in thinking that Henry's behaviour is at best inappropriate, and at worst, scary. Jen apologizes on his behalf, and goes outside to pull him bodily away from the window.
Moments later, we get a shot of the roof and hear Jen (before we see her) saying, "All right, look, I've already accepted your apology. I don't understand why you're making me come up to the roof." I yell, "Because he's going to push you off!" In fact, he's littered the roof with rose petals leading to a little makeshift love nest with pillows and candles. How did he get up there? When did he light all the candles? How did he do it without anyone noticing? How fast should Jen beat it out of there? But no, she's touched by the gesture, as usual, and despite the fact that it's the middle of her shift and Mrs. Flash is probably downstairs wondering whether her customers are supposed to seat themselves on what she'd just said was their busiest weekend of the year. He tells her that he wanted to show her rather than just tell her that he was sorry, and that he knows she got mad because he stopped hearing her, and then lies that he's glad they didn't rush into having sex because he doesn't want to be like every other guy in her life. He tells her that from now on he's going to do everything in his power to be the most original person in her life, and she tells him he already is, and I am pretty sure that we've already heard this exchange many times before. Anyway, Jen blows off all her responsibilities to canoodle with Henry, and I blow on out of my office to regurgitate my lunch.
Dawson is strutting along the darkened boardwalk when Pacey emerges from the shadows and demands, "What are you trying to prove?" Oh my god, beat his big ass down, Pacey! Dawson turns and sniffs, "Just trying to help Joey." Pacey vaults over the railing behind which he's standing and gets all in Dawson's face, saying, "Look, man, why don't you just take a swing at me? I mean, honestly, just take a poke. Get it over with, save us both a lot of time and trouble. Wouldn't involve our friends." Dawson glances toward the water and snorts, "Or family." Pacey seethes, "Do you think that indulging yourself in some James Dean meets 'Greased Lightnin'' fantasy that you're actually going to prove you're a better man than I am?" Dawson sets his jaw and shrugs, "I don't have to prove that. You made that clear when you moved in on Joey." Pacey sighs, "For the very last time, Dawson, I made a mistake." Word to that: Your first mistake was in convincing yourself that Dawson could be made to see that the people around him act for reasons other than to gratify his own ego and desires. The second was in caring what his reaction would be.
Pacey adds, "I thought you of all people would understand someone falling for Joey Potter." Dawson laughs joylessly, and I yell, "Oh my god, he's turned into his character from Angus!" and the line proves it: "Are you delusional enough to believe that you actually have something real with Joey?" Pacey replies, "If I do, it's because of her own free will," which is a good point, Pacey; Dawson, Joey is a person, not your toy. Dawson scoffs, "Do you really think a couple confused weeks means anything compared to the lifetime that we've had?" Pacey leans in for the killer blow (only Dawson's too obtuse to realize it): "And do you actually think that you could possibly hold on to that beautiful woman with some sort of selfish ultimatum?" That was kind of my point, except that I don't really see why Joey's beauty has anything to do with it. Dawson has no response to the quite accurate ultimatum charge, and spits, "Answer my question, Pacey: Do you really think you can compete with history?" Oh, please. Aunt Gwen issues a press release from her home apologizing for putting that whole "history" idea in Dawson's head. Pacey is clearly through trying to spare Dawson's feelings by now, and jokes, "Some history! Fifteen years of watching PG movies in your bedroom, followed by another year and a half of pretending to be grown up, only to drop each other at the first sign of crisis? That's your history? Come on, man! And you call this woman your soulmate?" The magic word trips Dawson's switch to "Complete Asshole" mode, and with much saliva shooting out of his cakehole, yells, "Yes! I do! And you knew that! And you went after her anyway!" Pacey agrees: "Right after you rejected her." Dawson predictably refuses to take responsibility for the actions that propelled Joey away from him in the first place, and sarcastically replies, "Oh, so she was vulnerable -- perfect for you, right? Because you're only interested in girls you can save or screw, right, Pace?" Pacey picks Dawson up bodily and hurls him into the creek, calling for the aid of a passing tourist to hold Dawson's enormous bobbing head underwater. And then I woke up from my beautiful dream, and Kim informed me that Pacey actually just inhaled and exhaled very loudly, and walked away. Sounds like Buzz's nickname for Pacey is one vowel off.
Dear Kruddy: I just saw a promo for your new show, and I recommend that you put a shirt on. Love, Wing Chun.
The morning, Jen walks into Grams's house wearing the same clothes she'd had on the night before. Grams waited up all night for her. Jen apologizes (rather cavalierly for my taste for not having called), and says that she spent the whole night with Henry. Grams assumes that Jen and Henry did it. Jen is very insulted and storms off instead of just telling Grams that nothing happenened. Dude, even if it isn't true, put an old lady's mind at ease. ["And lose the 'tude. Any other grandmother on earth would have cleaned your clock for staying out all night at age sixteen." -- Sars]
At the IHOF, Mrs. Flash is passive-aggressively reading the newspaper as she snarks at the Flash that she can't believe he's helping Dawson to race. The Flash says, "Well, it's a boat race, right? It's not Ben-Hur." Flash, can you get gladiator movies off your mind for one minute? He adds that, one way or another, this is a fight that will happen, and that he's proud of Dawson for sticking up for himself. Flash, let Dawson's tiny penis fight (and lose) its own battles, will you? Mrs. Flash says she's not against fighting for what one wants, but asks whether they shouldn't be teaching Dawson to fight with his mind. Mrs. F, please see above. Then the conversation turns to a meta-discussion about their own relationship and the rekindling thereof, and no one cares about that.
At the regatta -- which is taking place in a puddle of water barely large enough to contain all the boats, much less allow them room to race -- the various crews do sailing stuff and try to look really butch. True Love pulls out ahead of Carpe Diem as the soundtrack plays someone that sounds suspiciously like Def Leppard, like, Def Leppard? As Carpe Diem gains some ground on the True Love, the TL narrowly squeezes past a big orange buoy. CD follows...okay, could this be more boring? The boats look like they're moving so slowly! Couldn't Pacey and Dawson have had a showdown in a bowling alley? Maybe a really intense power-walking race? A riveting round of caps? Some head-to-head Tetris action? In the online dictionary I checked, to the definition for "action," there was the notation "ant." and then a little QuickTime video of THIS SCENE. Okay, so TL is in first place, but CD is coming up close behind. The Flash starts telling Dawson to give the TL "buoy room" which I at first thought was "booty room," which would have been much funnier. But Dawson pretty much ignores him, gets up way too close to the TL, and cuts Pacey off, forcing the TL to veer off in the other direction to avoid a crash. (And it's nice to see that Dawson has so little regard for a borrowed sailboat...but that we already knew.) The announcer confirms that though TL had the right of way and was forced to move by CD, CD did cross the finish line first. Then he says that CD didn't give TL any room at all, which means a guaranteed disqualification. So, in addition to everything else, Dawson's just ruined the entire regatta, the big event that's attracted all the tourists on which both his mom's business, and that of the woman with whom he's involved in a scary codependent relationship, depend. Well done.
Both the CD and the TL dock; Pacey tears off his wind suit and makes for the pier. Joey stomps down the stairs toward Dawson, who jubilantly yells, "We won!" Joey angrily replies, "No, you didn't, Dawson -- you lost. If you knew a little bit more about sailing, you would know that you got disqualified." "For nearly killing me!" Pacey screams, having, by now, joined them. "I got disqualified?" Dawson repeats incredulously, but declines to add, "How can I be disqualified, when I am the centre of the universe and created all the other boats in my mind and for my own entertainment?" Pacey yells, "I got a couple more words for what you are." Dawson snots, "Let's not forget who started this, Pacey. You're the one who said --" "Okay, stop!" Joey interrupts. "The both of you, stop this! I'm not some damn trophy." Pacey recycles the "Dawson pushed me into your arms" argument; Dawson screams that the reason he asked Pacey to look after Joey was that he "still had feelings for her; [he] still loved her," but didn't want her to hurt him again. "I still love her," he concludes more quietly, looking at Joey. His face is indescribable and really makes me wish I could do screen captures; in addition to its being, as usual, perfectly rectangular, the wind has buffeted his hair into several meringue-like peaks on his head, and his eyebrows, when furrowed, look all the blacker, and he has on so much lip gloss that he could play a young Philip Seymour Hoffman in a prequel to Flawless. Joey is appropriately horrified by the spectacle of Dawson's "love" for her, and yells, "I hate this! I hate all of this! God, I hate you for kissing me, and forcing me to figure out what it all means, Pacey, and I hate you, Dawson, for forcing me to make a choice between our friendship and what I might have had with him! And I hate myself, I mean, I wish we could go back to the way it was -- I wish I could take it all back -- but I can't! Nothing is worth going through all this! No one person is worth this -- neither one of you, especially not me!" Ah. And a novel variation on the classic Kelly Taylor "I choose me" -- the Joey Potter "I don't choose me." Pacey asks Dawson, "Happy now?" and heads back to the True Love.
Naturally, Dawson cannot leave matters there, and takes off running after Joey, who cries feebly on the boardwalk. Now his hair looks like Jack Wagner's did toward the end of his General Hospital days, and he tells Joey, "I'm glad he kissed you." She wipes her eyes and replies, "Well, that makes one of us." Dawson explains: "I'm glad he kissed you, because it forced me to deal with the notion of losing you, Joey, and I can't. I can't lose you -- not now, not ever." Okay, but if you had been able to wrap your mind around the possibility of being friends with her since she clearly has no more romantic feelings for you, maybe you wouldn't have "lost" her -- maybe she would still be able to stand the sight of you, and, again, that would make one of us. (And by "us," I mean "everyone else in the world, including all orders of animals from blue whales to paramecia and even some animate plants, like Venus flytraps.") Joey says, "Dawson, I'm no good for you. Look at the way you behaved today." Dawson says he behaved the way he did because he was threatened. Joey says, "Dawson, the size of your miniscule penis is genetically determined; try being threatened about aspects of your person you can actually control." And then Kim nudged me awake again and told me that Joey had actually asked what he meant, and he said he was trying to be the kind of guy she wants: "You went for a guy who beat up a bully and bought you a wall..." Joey says, "That's not you," which I read as, "That's why I don't like you," and Dawson says he knows: "I'm trying to show you how much I want you instead of just telling you."
Joey very astutely observes, "You don't want me, Dawson. You said it yourself. You just don't want to lose me." Dawson furrows his brow and insists, "Of course I don't want to lose you -- I want you more than I ever have." Joey stands up and, voice breaking, says, "If you really felt that way about me, Dawson, you'd realize that the last thing I need right now is another person with romantic intentions for me." Desperately, Dawson says, "Okay. What do you need?...I'm willing to do anything!" Joey looks exhausted as she says, "I need a friend -- someone who'll be there for me without any agenda. The person that you used to be." Dawson stammers, "Then I'll be that for you." Joey looks down, shaking her head because she knows he can't get past his own ego enough to give of himself unselfishly, and he adds, "Let me prove it to you. Let me show you." She looks up, and then walks off. Finally. Girlfriend, keep walking. In fact, RUN. How many times must I tell you that?
I really like the "Show Us Your Can" ad. "Look at the back yard on this fella." Hee!
Pacey sees Kruddy off at the train station. Kruddy tells him not to give up on true love: "It always wins in the end." See? Because it's the name of his boat? Which lost? But the idea of true love is also the subject of this episode? And it's what we're to think Pacey has with Joey? Get it? Do you? Do you get it? Are you sure? Because they made it pretty subtle.
Grams comes into Jen's room carrying the yellow sundress Jen wore in the pilot and they use it as the Proustian madeleine to remember how innocent Jen was then, even though at the time we were supposed to think she was a big old ho. Anyway, Grams makes a bunch of gestures of reconciliation and Jen admits that she never slept with Henry, and Grams is tremendously relieved. She should have just said that in the first place, man. This plot was a non-starter.
As Mrs. Flash lights candles in the otherwise empty IHOF, the Flash bounces in and some quavery female trills, "Talked to an old flame." Er, more like an old flamer. Mrs. Flash admits that she would like to get back together. I engage Gallup to conduct a quick poll: Nope, no one cares.
Joey, in her paint-covered overalls, stands in front of her wall, which she still hasn't painted. Pacey comes up behind her and gently lays a hand on her shoulder. She turns and he says, "Hey," and she says "hey" back, looking surprised. He asks if she thought he was Dawson, and she starts to say she just didn't hear him, but he cuts her off to say, "Maybe the better question would be, 'Did you want me to be Dawson?'" She looks down, stung, and he immediately apologizes and takes it back. She indicates the wall and notes that the lease will be up soon. He says, "I'd renew it again if you wanted me to." She says, "I don't know, Pacey, I mean, I don't want to give it up, it's just...I don't really feel like I'm ready to..." "Paint?" he concludes for her. "Yeah," she says. Kim says, "I think they might also be talking about their relationship, but I'm not sure." I say, "Where do you get that? Quit reading into things! Just pay attention to the scene!"
Pacey exhales loudly and says, "I gotta be honest with you, Jo. I really thought after the way he behaved today, that you'd love him less, but you don't, do you? If anything, you just love him more." Joey shakes her head and begs, "Pacey, please don't make this harder than it is." Pacey says, "Okay. Okay. I just gotta ask one more question and then I'm gonna quit making this hard on both of us, I swear. If it weren't for Dawson, could you ever love me like that?" "Like what?" she asks. "Like a soulmate?" he asks. Joey starts shaking her head again, and implores him, "Pacey, please don't make me do this, don't make me choose! I really think the best thing is -- is just to take a couple steps back, and --" "Yeah," he says, and starts to walk off, but turns back to say, "I'll renew the lease on the wall first thing tomorrow morning." She nods gratefully, trying to maintain her composure. He adds, "And I understand. I do. I understand. There are no ultimatums here." Joey smiles nervously and he walks off with his hands deep in his pockets. See, Joey, what just happened there? And how it was the opposite of your exchange with Dawson, both in tone and in outcome? That's because Pacey loves you unselfishly, and because Dawson will never be able to do so. On the other hand, Pacey? Yeah, if Joey still hasn't ditched Dawson after his little stunt today, she never will, and you need to give up on her because of that. The girl has big problems, and I know you want to help her, but I think Andie was right last week: Ultimately, Joey will always choose Dawson over you. And that sucks for you, because you deserve better, and I even think she deserves better, but she still doesn't think she deserves better than Dawson, and for that reason, you need to bail.
Later, Pacey is at his boat, pulling the True Love sign and letting it float off. Kim says, "That'll be the last shot." I agree, and then she changes her mind: "No, someone's going to pick it up!" Sure enough, a hand appears, and as I compulsively repeat, "Please not Andie, Please not Andie, Please not Andie," the camera pans up to show that the hand does, in fact, belong to Andie, who, holding the sign upside down in front of her, says, "I have something I need to tell you." From the depths of despair, Pacey manages, "I already know you hate me, Andie. I just don't think I can hear it tonight." She sighs and says she doesn't hate him, but that she felt hurt and betrayed, and that it would be easy for her to turn that anger into hate, but that she doesn't want to carry around that burden -- doesn't want to be that kind of person -- so she doesn't hate him. "Thank you, Andie," he says quietly. She says that "hate" is a pretty strong word, but that (as she hands him back the sign), so is "love." Oh, lord. Why couldn't they just leave her out of this?
As Dawson writes at his desk by the light of a LAVA LAMP, which my sister, who co-starred with Joshua Jackson in The Skulls, also has in her room. Shout-out? He looks up at the sound of a tap at the window, and sees Joey climbing in, holding a videotape. Okay, Pacey? Now you really need to give up, because if she's reverting to this particular pattern, even in light of everything else that Dawson's done, then she's clearly given up all hope of moving forward with her life and has instead elected to build a cottage to Dawson's in Nostalgiaville and is, for all intents and purposes, lost to you forever. She asks Dawson whether the invitation still stands, and he gets up and says that of course, it does, and she hands him the video, which is E.T.. I'd think he'd already own that, and, hi, way to guarantee that he'll think he still has a shot at your pants -- a better shot than ever, in fact.
Dawson is surprised that, after everything that's happened, she'd rent that. Dully, she says, "I thought it was time to see it again." Dawson reminds her that she's always said E.T. was "sad and depressing," and she says, "I just feel like watching something tonight with an ending that I know like the back of my hand," without adding, "and the fact that I left my spine back at the B&B be to come here and relive 1998 is, to my mind, very sad and depressing." But anyway, see? See how she chose a movie that was predictable, just like her relationship with Dawson would be if she went back with him? See how it's the opposite of her relationship with Pacey, where he can do something as banal as come up behind her and still surprise her? See? Get it? Do you see what they've done here? Are you sure? Because I can go back through it again and explain it to you. Dawson says some shit about the moment when E.T. tells Elliot, "I'll be right here," and Joey says, "Right now, those are some of the most comforting words in the world." Dawson looks heartened by this statement, but Joey knows she's lying to herself, and to him, and can't hold his gaze for long for fear that he'll find her out. Fat chance of that, Joey; his head's pretty big, and it's hard for him to look past it at you. Your secret lack of interest in him is perfectly safe.