Props to KR, bstewart, Ace, Jenga, owen, Glark and Sars.
Before I embark upon this wrap-up, I want everyone to know how much this episode took out of me. One couple going at it per show is lots; never again do I want to have to sit through three teenaged couples exploring their youthful sexuality. Yecch.
Open on a tight close-up of Pacey "Chipmunk Cheeks" Witter, who's saying, "I can't believe you're saying this. I mean, after all these years of hiding behind highbrow analytical posturing." Cut to a tight close-up of Dawson "Little Joey Eszterhas" Leery, who replies, "I'm saying it. I love you. I know it's nonsensical --" Pacey cuts him off with, "'Nonsensical'? It's insane! We've known each other for fifteen years, you couldn't find some other time to Freudian slip this cat out of the bag?" Dawson exclaims, "I've wanted to! So many times! You have no idea how long I've been wrestling internally with the psychological repercussions of, of my feelings," as the camera moves further back, taking in Pacey, sitting on the bed, and Dawson in a chair across from him. Pacey says, "I need time to process. I mean, my electrical synapses are on overload here. My brain is telling me one thing, but my heart, it says another [sic]. It's telling me that I should consider the unequivocal, highly irrational, possibly damaging proposition of loving you back." Dawson says, "Wait," and leans in for the...script that's lying on the bed beside Pacey. "God, you missed a line. You forgot 'hypnotically scarring,'" so I say, props to Pacey for delivering only those lines that actually make sense. Pacey says, "So if you want it done right, you get an actor. I'm not exactly comfortable playing the girl here." Oh, now I see what they've done! They've set up the scene as if Dawson were actually making a declaration of love to Pacey, and not that they're both reciting lines from Dawson's evidently craptacular script! Homosexual humour! What delightful, not at all offensive fun! Ha ha, not (tm Sars). And I would add here that, in order to transcribe the dialogue accurately, I had to rewind and replay several times those few seconds in which Dawson leans toward Pacey, mouth slightly parted, as if he were going to kiss him, and I can't help thinking Kevin Williamson crafted that little moment as a bit of all right for himself, but whatever. Dawson says, "So what do you think? Do you think it'd make a good movie?" Pacey demurs, saying, "You write in too many syllables. I mean, what's with all this psychobabble insight? How many teenagers do you know that talk like that?" Oh, how very meta, to have Pacey deliver the stinging criticism the show so often receives. Delicious. Except for the "delicious" part (tm Sars). Dawson answers, "Syllables aside, do you think it'll make a good movie?" Oh I see, Dawson, you're going to ask until you get the answer you want. Pacey says, non-committally, "Yeah, yeah. However, you did make Joey a little bit on the angry side, even for her." For some reason, the camera is panning back and forth again, only it's positioned behind a piece of furniture so that things like Dawson's lava lamp keep getting in the way. Good thing that's not really annoying and distracting. Oh wait -- it is (tm Sars).
Dawson scoffs, "It's not Joey!" Pacey says, "Right. That's not Joey, the guy's not you, and you're not dissecting you two's [sic] relationship on the page just like every other narcissistic writer through history." Dawson says again, "Tell me what you think," as if that isn't exactly what Pacey has been doing for the past three minutes, ass-munch. Pacey says, "I think it's dark. It's obtuse. ["Obtuse. fig. Not acutely affecting the senses; indistinctly felt or perceived; dull." -- OED] It's very un-Dawson Leery." Having finally goaded Pacey into giving the answer he was waiting for (and not, evidently, perceiving the insult of having his writing described as "obtuse"), Dawson smirks and says, "Thank you," and then gets up and crosses the room, allowing the camera to pass behind yet another lamp. WHY? Dawson continues: "This is the first time I've been able to write something that's not only plot-driven, but also emotionally-driven." Uh, Dawson, you better put your horn away before your tooting causes your lungs to collapse. Pacey says, with evident boredom, "Congratulations. You're evolving as an artist." Dawson sits down at his computer, immensely pleased with himself. "All right. It's about time I took some risks, you know? Ride the edge a little." My God, REIN IT IN, David Lynch, before your head grows any larger! Pacey, in an attempt to deflate said noggin, says, "Well, if that's the case, I do have one note." "Which is?" replies Dawson warily. Pacey says, "Why don't they have sex?" Dawson rolls his eyes. Pacey continues: "I know you and Joey never did in real life, but this is a film; you can write it any way you want. You know? Take the risky plunge." Dawson turns on him: "Ah! See, I have. How many movies do you see where a bunch of horny teenagers just go at it like rabbits [shout-out to the plot of this episode]? Huh? I mean, that's the safe choice. The risky, edgier choice is to have them not do it." Dawson settles back to smirking despite the fact that he's using the words "risky" and "edgy" like an ad executive. Hey Dawson, how about combing that prodigious vocabulary for some words that have actual meanings? Pacey says, "Only you would take your virginal insecurities and your fear of deflowerment and turn them into 'risky, edgy' behaviour." Go Pacey! Dawson protesteth too much: "Oh yeah. I have no problem being a virgin [as Paula Cole's ululations swell in the background]. I'm sorry if my confidence in my convictions discombobulates you." "'Dis-com-bob-u-late,'" says Pacey. "How many syllables is that?" Dawson whips the script at him and we cut to the opening credits. This paragraph has been brought to you by Sayings of tm Sars.
This episode of Dawson's Creek is brought to us by the movie She's All That, or as I like to call it, Gender-Bending Can't Buy Me Love. But why not let Ace tell it?
"She's All That: Mini-Review of A Movie We Haven't Seen
"The cool jock guy (he's either a jock or rich, because those are obviously the only two ways for a guy to become popular in teen movies) bets he can turn a nerdy, unpopular girl into the prom queen. How can we tell that Leading Lady is a nerd? Well, she's uncoordinated, studious and (get this) wears glasses. These are all cutting edge characterizations of a nerd, never before seen on the silver screen. Those of us in the audience with any taste will like Leading Lady when she is a nerd. She'll be nice to other nerds and have nerdy (but cool to us) interests. After her transformation into Prom Queen (effected through buying contact lenses, a reduction in her clumsiness and Jock Boy waving his "magic wand" in her direction), she'll most likely reject her nerd friends and become a vapid piece of eye candy, clinging to her Jock Boy's arm. The movie will present this change as desirable and "romantic". Those of us with taste will now hate the Leading Lady for the shallow little sell-out she is and lose all interest in the movie. Leading Lady finds out that Jock Guy only dated her on a bet. She rejects him and most likely has to grovel to return to her old nerd friends. We'll hate the nerd friends for forgiving her and urge them under our breath to poke her eyes out. Jock Guy realizes she's the best piece of ass he ever had -- oops -- I mean, realizes she's the real thing and that he loves her. He asks her to forgive him and after a few minutes of non-convincing stand-offishness, she does. We are supposed to be happy that true love has conquered all (and that a deserving pretty girl has been saved from the horror of having a brain and her own interests), but instead are sickened by Shallow Little Sell-Out and her spineless caving in to the siren call of popularity and getting porked by a cute boy with no ethics and a bunch of creepy friends.
"The End."
Thanks, Ace. ["Word." -- Sars]
Scenes of idyllic, bright green Capeside. We hear, before we see, that Jen "Cochon Terrible" Lindley is shilling for the auditions soon to be held for Dawson's movie. Dawson catches up with her, also with a sheaf of flyers in his hand, and asks her how it's going. She says that her "instincts as a first-time producer" tell her that there will be a huge turnout. She hands out another flyer with about a second's worth of explanation, causing Dawson to exclaim that she's "a natural" at this. I say that if the movie tanks she could always turn her skills to handing out flyers in front of strip bars, but whatever. Jen tells Dawson not to expect too much from her since she's "no Joey." Dawson says that Joey had no experience either, when she started. Whereas Dawson was a regular Roger Corman, I guess. Whatever. He says he has the utmost confidence in her. She calls him "Mister Writer Slash Director." I commence retching. Dawson scans the quad and tells Jen, "Hey, be sure you get a flyer to James Lowell. He'd be perfect for the lead." The camera alights upon this character, who is blond, blandly good-looking with curly bangs and thick brown eyebrows -- in other words, a Dawson doppelganger. Jen responds, "Ew." Hee hee!
Dawson protests: "'Ew'? He's, like, the classic leading guy. He's kind, and he's funny, he's self-effacing; he's like Jimmy Stewart meets Tom Hanks." Isn't that a little redundant? Jen counters, "Yeah, and about as sexy as a bucket, Dawson." Heh. Dawson is momentarily silenced by this slam (by proxy) to his ego, and says simply, "Okay." Jen catches sight of another guy and says admiringly, "Now, Dave Pacelli: that's the leading man." Cut to a slightly greasy guy who looks like he's about 24, with a moustache and goatee. Dawson (rightly), says, "Excuse me?" Jen says, "Yeah! He's like, dark, and brooding [yeah, those are meaningful adjectives]. And, Ray Liotta meets --" "Sewer rat," Dawson finishes, which is a bit harsh. "No way," he adds. Jen says, "I'm just saying he's got a certain...appeal." Dawson scoffs. Jen continues: "I mean, people don't necessarily go to the movies to see their kind, sweet -door neighbour [ouch! That's gonna leave a mark]. They go to see that slightly dangerous guy that they desperately want to sleep with but never will in real life. 'Sexy' will always win out over 'nice.'" Dawson's body language conveys that he remains unconvinced, so Jen adds, "I'm just saying that everyone casts Tom Hanks, you know? Try to make a less obvious choice." Dawson shrugs for several seconds, bizarrely, and then they separate.
Pacey walks into school and makes his way to the locker of Andie "Mentos" McPhee, where he clears his throat and hands her a piece of paper. She asks what it is. He says it's "the results of Pacey Witter's HIV test." Pacey who? Oh, you. Don't refer to yourself in the third person, please; it's asinine. Andie expresses shock that he's been tested. Pacey says, "You told me to." Andie says, "But you argued with me." Wing Chun says, "Hey writers: that's a scene we might have liked and needed to see. I realize that the exchange had been mentioned on Dawson's Desktop, along with the news of what base the two of them had gotten to (third), but some events related to the show are too important not to actually dramatize on the show. Smarten up." Anyway, Pacey tells her that just because he argues with her doesn't mean he doesn't listen, and that the test was negative, "which is positive in my book." Andie says she's proud of him and that getting tested was very responsible of him, and tells him that he shouldn't think, just because he got tested, that it means they're going to "you know." Pacey says he doesn't know, and Andie says "you know" again. Pacey continues to play dumb, and Andie says that she's not opposed to their becoming more intimate but that everything will come in due time, or words to that effect. Pacey tells her that he didn't get tested in order to engage in any "uninhibited scrumping" with her, but got tested for himself. Please, God, don't let anyone use the verb "to scrump," in any tense, anywhere in the world, ever, but particularly not on the show. Anyway, Andie is bemused by this and asks whether Pacey doesn't find her attractive. Pacey says that of course he does, leading Andie to ask, "Don't you want to?" with an oddly innocent yet lascivious look on her face. Pacey asks if she does. This goes back and forth a couple of times. Pacey finally answers, "I would like to scrump with you any day of the week." Therefore I can't finish the wrap-up of this scene. Sorry, I do have standards, and I don't take kindly to fake-ass euphemisms for "having sex." Okay, fine; they resolve that they're not going to make any immediate plans to have sex, but that if the right time came along, they would do so.
Back on the quad, Dawson, still handing out flyers, approaches a picnic table at which sits Joey "Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo" Potter, drawing. They exchange "hey"s. Dawson says, "Movie auditions." Joey says, "Art class." Dawson looks at her sketch pad and says, "I see you've graduated from fruit bowls," at which we cut to a pencil sketch of a draped male nude. Joey explains the obvious: that the class is doing life sketching. "We're supposed to see the human form as a mass of lines and shadows." Dawson dubiously says, "Really." Joey retreats into self-doubt and replies, "I'm working on it." Dawson rather prudishly says, "And he just poses for you." Joey says, "Yeah." Dawson switches to Scoff Mode: "Do you find that uncomfortable? I mean, just sitting in a room with some guy completely in the buff right in front of you?" Joey says no. Dawson asks if he talks. Joey says yes -- that he talks, "sings, tells jokes, does a little soft-shoe...no, he doesn't talk, Dawson; he's a model, he just sits there." Dawson goes for the spine: "And little Joey Potter doesn't blush?" "Little"? She's as tall as you are, you schmuck, so give us all a break, willya? Joey casually says, "No." Dawson asks if she doesn't blush a little. Joey says, "Maybe a little." "Just a little?" Dawson needles. Joey finally admits under his cross-examination that she has broken twelve pencils. Dawson laughs gleefully. Joey goes on to say, "You'd be surprised, Dawson; I'm changing. I'm not 'little Joey Potter' anymore." "No, you're certainly not," Dawson replies wistfully. Oh please accept the fact that she can no longer fit under your thumb, would you, please? God. They exchange an awkward glance, and then Joey sees Jen handing an audition flyer to Chris "Partier" Wolf and says not-so-casually, "So, Jen's your producer?" Dawson says yes; "you were busy." Joey asks what the movie's about. Dawson says, "Young boy comes of age in a small town." Joey wishes him luck. Dawson rushes off, since "Time is money." Gag me.
Inside the school, Chris falls in step with Abby "Sy Snootles" Morgan; both are holding audition flyers. Chris asks whether Abby is going to try out for Dawson's movie. Abby snorts, "Participate in Dawson Leery's lame home video project? Doubtful. Why, are you?" Chris says, "I was thinking about it. I got the audition piece; I was looking through it. He's got financing [$1250, Dawson's half, is not movie "financing"]. It's going to do the festival circuit [no, it bloody isn't]. It'd be an opportunity for some Hollywood-type exposure [N.O.T.]." Abby says, "Yeah, right. Are you having delusions of Brad Pitt-itis?" Chris is undeterred: "I think I'd make a pretty good actor, actually. [I disagree, and I have evidence.] And actors get action. I foresee a non-stop party. [Yeah, because the number of groupies that hang around no-budget movies filmed on Cape Cod is just gigantic.] I was thinking maybe you and I could read together." "You and me?" says Abby. "Come on. We could have some serious chemistry. Come on. Audition with me." "Salivate elsewhere," says Abby huskily. "I couldn't be less interested." Whatever.
Back outside at the picnic table, Jack "Gay as a Picnic Basket" McPhee is sneaking up behind Joey. Jack looks over her shoulder at the sketch and says, "Wow." Joey snaps her arms over the pad and says, "Don't. Look." Jack says, "I've seen a naked guy before, Joey." KR finishes for him, "'Because I am gay.'" Joey says, "Yeah, but not drawn with the talent of a second-grader. Trust me, I'm doing your eyes a favour." Jack tickles her until she's forced to remove her arms, and she smiles in a way that proves she'd wanted to show him all along, which was endearing. Jack says, "Wow, it's a good use of light and dark, especially around the side. I mean, it's very dramatic. Shading's excellent." Joey suspiciously asks, "Really?" Jack says, "Yeah! The lines are strong; everything seems to be in proportion. You did a real nice --" and then knocks over his glass of chocolate milk on the sketch. Joey jumps up in distress. Jack immediately starts apologizing and trying in vain to clean up. Joey says, "I've gotta go," and takes off.
Very quick cut to the school auditorium, where we get a montage of terrible readers auditioning for Dawson's movie, intercut with Dawson and Jen looking increasingly bored and stunned. I find it hard to believe that the school administration would allow school property to be used for a project which has nothing whatever to do with the school, but whatever.
Elsewhere in the school, Joey is packing a knapsack at her locker when Jack approaches to apologize again and ask whether she was able to save the drawing. Joey takes the stained, destroyed picture out of her locker to show him, saying nothing but looking very irritated. She sticks it back in the locker as Jack apologizes yet again and asks if there's anything he can do. Joey says there isn't; it's due Thursday, she's already the youngest and least experienced in the class, and now she's going to show up with an incomplete assignment. Jack asks if she can redraw it. Joey says she can't, since it's a nude man and she can't exactly recall it from thin air. She notes the pose, the lighting, the composition, and points out that she can't just re-create them. Jack offers to pose for her -- "no big deal." Joey asks him a couple of times whether he's serious, and when he says he is, she says, "Let me think about that. No." They go back and forth some more on why Jack should or shouldn't pose for her (like, she'll get an 'F' if she doesn't hand something in), and as she continues to refuse his offer, he asks whether she'll be embarrassed, or whether she's "afraid it'll get sexual or something?" Joey delivers the deathless line, "You know, believe it or not, Jack, not every moment with you is sexually charged." KR adds, "'Because you're gay.'" Jack says that in that case it should be no problem. Finally he says that he feels very guilty. She says she doesn't think it's a good thing for them to do. He says she'll be professional, since this is her art, and as she considers this a moment, he decides it's settled and says he'll be by tomorrow around seven, and then walks off before either of them can change their minds. A very laboured scene.
Then we get a commercial featuring a montage of clips of Michael Jordan doing his thing, over soppy music. It's an ad for Nike, of course, without any copy other than "Just do it" at the end. This is all very well and good, but the fact that it exists in a form in which it can be broadcast tells me that Michael Jordan tipped off his sponsor that he was retiring before he told the world's press -- either that, or Nike ghoulishly prepared this ages ago in anticipation of his retirement. Either way, gross.
Then we get an ad for At First Sight with Mira Sorvino and Val Kilmer, two of my least favourite actors -- and as if that weren't bad enough, they're starring in a disease movie, or, to be more precise, a movie that treats blindness as if it were a disease.
A little later we get an ad for Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane. Whatever.
In the drugstore, Andie is having a prescription filled. The pharmacist tells her to be careful with the dosage, and that he put a pamphlet in there for her. She politely says, " I'm familiar with the drug, thank you." As she starts to leave, Pacey comes up behind her and she tries to put the prescription bag in her shopping basket before he can see it, but he grabs it out of her hand too quickly. Uh, I don't care if they are dating; even if they were married it wouldn't be appropriate for him to snatch away her prescription drugs and inspect them if she didn't want him to. Not impressed with Pacey there, at all, and she shouldn't have let him get away with it. Anyway, he takes the pill bottle out of the bag and, over her anxious requests that he give it back to her, reads it aloud, in the store, WHEN THERE IS A STRANGER STANDING NOT A FOOT BEHIND THEM: "'Andrea McPhee; take two tablets daily as directed: Xanax, 20 mg.' Xanax -- that's, uh, that's for severe depression and anxiety; right? It's like Prozac, so...." Sars tells me that is not at all what Xanax is for, and I will take her word for it over Pacey's. ["Xanax treats anxiety and panic attacks; Prozac treats depression. Thus, the medications are COMPLETE FLIPPIN' OPPOSITES. And no, I don't have a degree." -- Sars] Andie stammers that it's her mom's; they have the same first name. Pacey sort of apologizes and gives it back, and Andie reminds him that she's sensitive about her mom, and then gazes at him nervously, and with some irritation. I would just like to add here that they must be in the crappiest drugstore in the world, since in the same aisle are a miniscule lipstick display, Neutrogena hand soap, perfume, and something behind Andie that looks to be some kind of medical apparatus, like an enema kit, maybe. Anyway, Pacey tells her she's such a good daughter. Andie asks what he's doing here. I prepare to poke my eyes out. Pacey says he was just "checking out some stuff." Andie says, "In the...condom section?" And sure enough, as if this aisle weren't stocked bizarrely enough, there's also a sizeable rack of condoms behind Pacey. In order to spare myself the pain of complete transcription, they debate for a few moments as to whether or not they should buy condoms, in order to be prepared for 'the moment' whenever it might present itself, and ultimately decide that they should get some just in case. I can't even go into the way that Andie examines a box and casts doubt as to whether the developers of the condoms could know how to make them enhance a woman's pleasure. No, I said I can't.
Back at the auditions, Abby whines, "Isn't there anyone else I can read with?" since Chris is standing to her on stage. Dawson tells her they're pressed for time and asks them to start at page three, beaming widely, for some unknown reason. Chris has a quick question first, though: "I just, I don't understand why they don't ever do it. I mean, you have all the hot foreplay stuff, but they never hook up." Dawson tells him, "Your character believes that sometimes true love goes beyond that which is merely physical." Chris says that's the part he doesn't get, and Abby agrees that Dawson should rethink that part since it's "a little heady." Jen tells them to keep moving with the scene, so Chris and Abby start to read the scene, except at the end Chris kisses her, causing Abby to tear herself away and scream at him that while the kiss is in the script, his tongue in her mouth isn't part of the deal. Dawson and Jen both look weary. Chris defends himself on the grounds that he was just getting into the role, whereas Abby feels he was trying to get into her pants, and stomps offstage. Chris bows. Jen tells him that will be all. ["If only I could believe that." -- Sars]
Back at the drugstore, Andie is telling Pacey that she's put a lot of "fantasy thought" into the circumstances surrounding her first time, which she wants to be special: "You know, the perfect evening. Like, dinner at a French restaurant, a romantic after-dinner stroll by the dock, and then on to a nice historic bed and breakfast." Gee, Andie, your fantasy is pretty conventional, but whatever. "'A bed and breakfast'?" Pacey repeats skeptically. "It's my fantasy, go with it," Andie replies, and continues: "Lavender candles and Sinatra, or somebody equally old-style and romantic." Barf. All I can think is, that sounds a lot like Bailey and Sarah's abortive First Time on Party of Five. Anyway, Pacey asks, " Do you schedule in bathroom breaks, or does a poor guy have to hold it all evening?" Andie tells him that losing her virginity is a huge deal: "I didn't hold onto it for sixteen years just to lose it in one drunk, fleeting moment in some skanky backseat of a late-model American car, okay?" "Damn," says Pacey. "Someone's leaking all my best lovemaking secrets." Andie says, "It's just that I wanna remember this for the rest of my life, and I just think that if we put a little planning into it to ensure that it's worth remembering, it would be really nice." Pacey tells her he knows how important the first time is: "And I know, with my tainted past, I might not be the most likely of candidates, but if and when you do decide it's the right time for you, I'd really like to be the one that helps to make it a memorable evening." Sadly, he looks at her all cross-eyed while saying so. Andie says, "Well, when you talk like that, it makes me wanna to jump you." Pacey says, "Oh really?" Andie says, "Yeah."
After some pointless landscape shots, we're back inside the high school auditorium, where Dawson is whining at Jen: "It's so frustrating to have this dream of making this movie, to actually get the money to make the movie, and then to realize that it still might not happen." Uh, Dawson? You've been trying to cast it for a day. Real filmmakers sometimes take years. Try to deal. Jen smirks, then bites her lip and says, "Just like in the script." Dawson says: "Meaning?" Jen says, "I mean, you and Joey. You know, you're in love with her for fifteen years, and then when you're just about to have her, you lose her. It's tragic." Jen gets up and walks over to the stage. Dawson says, "The script's not about Joey," and goes over to the stage as well. Jen says, "Dawson, gimme a break; it reads like an autobiography. It's funny; I thought that we had something too, but even with my flair for the dramatic, my role's been reduced to the first act." Dawson says, "Jen. You were important to me. You know that." Jen says, "Was I?" Dawson says, "Absolutely. More than you know." Jen says, "Then, I want to ask you something Dawson. Since we're friends and all, what did you like about me?" Dawson says, "What did I like about you?" Jen laughs sheepishly. Dawson goes on: "We had fun together. You know? I mean, you opened me up to stuff. Skinny-dipping didn't suck, you know? You were sexy." Jen asks, "'Were'?" Dawson corrects himself: "Are. Are." Jen says, "You know, I think Chris may be right about your script. I think that the two young lovers should do it." Since Jen has spoken the forbidden words, Dawson flares his nostrils, stomps up on the stage, and yells, "It's about romance! Not sex!" Jen says, "Who says that sex can't be romantic, Dawson? Come on, I mean, look at your target audience." Dawson reverts to his version of "We were on a break!!" and says, "I wanted to make the less obvious choice!" Jen chuckles and says, "That's funny when you think about it." Dawson says, "What?" Jen says, "Just that if you hadn't gone for such an obvious choice of girl, maybe the ending to your script would have been a little less obvious." She walks away, leaving Dawson staring perplexedly after her, and then cutting to more pointless exterior shots on the way to...
...Bessie's Bastard Barn, where Joey is fidgeting with her pencil box. "I'm coming out," calls Jack from off-stage. "hee hee!" I say. Jack comes out with a white towel around his waist, not at all looking like it's "no big deal." Joey turns her back and continues to fidget with her art supplies, also looking very uncomfortable. Jack says, "Uh, Jack McPhee reporting for duty. Where do you want me?" Joey continues not to look at him and stammers, "Um, you could sit on the couch, or the chair, or you could stand, or I could move." Jack says he'll take the couch, and then, noticing that she still hasn't looked at him, says, "You know, Joey, um, if, if you're uncomfortable at all, um, I can, you know, keep the towel on for awhile, just until we get loosened up, and you know, you can, kind of sketch around...it." Joey says she's okay. Jack says okay and starts to take the towel off, at which point Joey stops him and says maybe it's best if he does keep the towel on. Jack reclines on the couch and says, "Whoa, deja-vu. This is just like that scene in Titanic." Joey chuckles a very little and says, "Oh, right. Except I'm Jack and you're Rose." Oh no, first Pacey's playing the girl, and now Joey's playing the boy! All this gender-bending! Jack says, "Role reversal. I like it." Oh no, he likes it! Whatever.
Joey smiles slightly testily and sketches. Jack offers again to let her quit whenever she wants, and she impatiently tells him that this might work better if they just didn't talk since the model in class never did. She adds, "And, you know, since we are just starting to get to know each other, I'll admit it has made me slightly uncomfortable." Jack replies, rather ominously (judging by the look of horror on Joey's face immediately afterward), "Just imagine how comfortable we're gonna be around each other after tonight." Joey decides, at that, that she can't do this after all: "I've tried to be adult about this, and not be like 'little Joey Potter,' but the truth is, you know, I'm really not experienced with, um...a lot of things, and I really don't think I can handle seeing you naked right now, so, you can probably just get dressed and go home, that would be --" "What about your sketch?" Jack asks, not at all moving. "I'll figure out some way to fudge it," Joey answers. Jack asks if she's sure. Joey answers that she is, and turns too fast, knocking down the easel. Jack jumps up off the couch to help her pick it up and in the process his towel falls off, giving Joey a glimpse of the goods, which cause her to gasp and look away, and him to grab the easel and cover himself with it. The two of them stand flustered for a moment, not knowing where to look, until Jack finally says, "Well, I might as well stay now." Joey says nothing, and we cut to a commercial.
We get a commercial for Varsity Blues, featuring Van Der Beek's brutal southern accent. Yikes. Then there's an anti-sniffing PSA in which a girl's room fills with water and she drowns. Then there's an ad for 1-800-COLLECT, featuring Damon Wayans. I'm not a fan or anything, but that's still sad. Then there's an ad for the WB "news" in which we're told there will be a story on James Van Der Beek's role in Varsity Blues. Nope, no conflict of interest there. And, uh, excuse me -- that's news? (Hey, bstewart!)
Back in the trailer, Jack is posing undraped (AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!) and asks how it's going, and how Joey's doing. She says she's okay, and that her doing this feels like an accomplishment: "This is something that most people would just assume that Joey could not do." Is it necessary to refer to yourself in the third person again, really? No. Jack asks why that should be. Joey says, "I mean, you see how I live; I don't get out much. I guess my life just seems kind of plain sometimes." Jack asks if that bothers her. She says, "yeah, sometimes," but that she likes art because it feels risky: "You know, every time I draw or paint or take a class, I just, I feel like I'm doing something special, you know? Just for me. Does that make sense?" Jack says, "It feels dangerous." Joey says, "Yeah. Why is that?" Jack, sadly, takes this as a cue to launch into Critic mode: "Art is about a world of uncertainty. And that makes it scary." Joey asks, "What scares you?" Jack answers, "Sex." The two of them exchange a lascivious look I could have really done without.
At Grams' house, Jen comes out on the porch with a mug and sees Dawson pacing the docks. She walks out to him. Then we're at a fancy-looking restaurant, where Andie is laughing and enjoying herself, and Pacey is looking around distractedly.
Then we're back at the trailer. Joey asks, "Why sex? I mean, fear of it? First-time anxiety?" Jack says, "Oh no, no, I'm not a virgin." Deflated, Joey answers, "Oh. Have you done it a lot?" Jack says, "I've done it a total of, um...once." Joey chuckles with some relief. Sars adds that she was grossed out by the way Jack "made a big show of pretending to count 'all of the times'"; I personally found that more dorky than gross, but whatever.
Back at the dock, Dawson is telling Jen, "All I know is I'm really lucky to have you for a friend. Never could've gotten through those horrifically epic auditions today ["Epic. fig.A story, or series of events, worthy to form the subject of an epic {poem}." -- OED Not quite correct usage, Dawson; it's not an adjective, plus I think you meant to add "without you" at the end]." Jen says, "It's my job." Dawson says, "Naw, that's above and beyond the call of duty." Uh, isn't she the producer? How is her sitting through auditions "above and beyond the call of duty"? Dawson continues: "I mean, God, I swear you've heard those lines read so many times you have the whole thing committed to memory." Uh, you had them committed to memory before, remember we already saw you reciting them to Pacey? Jen laughs and says, "Well, the good thing is, if you get really desperate, I could always play your leading lady." Dawson ruefully replies, "Maybe you should have." "'Should have' what?" Jen asks, not-so-innocently. "Been my leading lady," says Dawson. "You think?" says Jen. "Sometimes," squeaks Dawson. "Too much of the time," he adds. "Since when?" I ask.
Cut back to Jack and Joey, the latter of whom is asking, "Was it scary?" Jack says, "Yeah." Joey nods with some relief, as if he's confirming her own fears. She says, "Don't feel bad. I mean, I haven't done it at all, and it terrifies me from afar, so..." Jack says, "You know, it's not just that it was scary. I mean, that was part of it, but I don't know, it's hard to, it's hard to describe. You know, I'm not really that good at expressing myself, you know, so I guess you've found my social flaw." ["Not to mention his numerous other social flaws..." -- Sars] In my view, the inability to describe sex in intimate and accurate detail is not a flaw in a social context, but whatever. Joey puts down her pencil and draws her knee up to her chest. "Could you try?" she asks.
Cut back to Dawson and Jen, the latter of whom is saying, "I know that you've got this notion that if you don't let your characters act on their desires, then you're making a stronger, riskier choice, but that's not real life." "But it's so obvious!" Dawson protests. "I mean, the story is much stronger if the characters resist their lust." "But it's not real," Jen insists. "True love is always fuelled by lust, and people who care that much about each other will sooner or later end up having sex." A look of pig ignorance settles on Dawson's face as Jen concludes, "Even people who don't care that much. And besides, this is 1998; sex is always a risky choice. I just don't happen to believe that it's an obvious one." 1998? Okay, I guess. Jen, couldja help us out and tell us what month it is, too? But she doesn't, and says this instead, as Dawson increasingly looks like he's in the midst of intense inner turmoil: "I think that intent and motive is [sic] what makes sex so interesting, Dawson. I mean, why do two people have sex, okay? So they're in love. That's obvious. Who cares. But they're in lust? Slightly more interesting. They're hurting over someone, they're in pain, trying to forget someone, they're in denial, they're looking for a distraction -- all of a sudden sex has just become very interesting, and not the obvious choice at all." Dawson chews on this as Jen delivers the kicker: "Maybe you should think about a rewrite, Dawson. You've still got time." I have to give Jen her props for this scene, in which she seemed, to me, genuinely convincing.
Cut back to the trailer, where Jack is saying, "Really? You wanna know?" Joey says yeah. Okay, in the interest of saving my stomach lining, Joey suggests that Jack describe the experience -- not the "gory details" but the feeling of it -- in artistic terms, and he starts going on about Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and Degas dancers and a lot of other similar blather. This conveniently allows him to sketch out the experience without mentioning a partner at all, of either sex. Then the phone rings and Joey reaches for it and then there's a flurry of movement at which both Jack and Joey look shocked, which Sars and I have decided was that Jack perceived that he was sporting wood, and tried to cover it with the towel but was too slow and Joey saw it. Um. Ew. Also in that scene, Jack, the supposed art expert, pronounced Edvard Munch's last name as if he were Richard Belzer's character on Homicide. Note to Kerr Smith: It's pronounced "moonck."
Okay, so then Pacey is ushering a blindfolded Andie into a rather sumptuously appointed suite, lit only with candles. I don't know how a 16-year-old would be able to rent a room at a Motel 6, much less a fancy bed and breakfast (for that is what it is), but whatever. So they enter the room, and Andie doesn't know where they are, and Pacey recaps their evening (dinner at a bistro, followed by a walk along the docks, which they apparently also did with Andie blindfolded -- bizarre!) and reminds her that there is only one place they could be right now. Andie tells him that if she finds herself in a bed and breakfast, he's dead. She gets all flustered regarding the bed and says she doesn't know whether to be touched or terrified. Pacey says this night wasn't meant to decide "the final verdict," and that he just wanted to give her her fantasy evening, and they don't necessarily have to do it: "It's a step-by-step process for me too." Andie gets yet more nervous and chokes up and says he's great but she can't do this. He hugs her and tells her it's okay and not to be upset with him, and that she makes him think there's hope for his pathetic existence, and he's lucky, and doesn't have to sleep with her to feel it. She says, "Witter, you make me want to do it," and they kiss. Cut to commercial.
Then Dawson's in his room working on his laptop listening to some total vagina music. He looks at a picture of Joey, and then highlights all the text on screen and deletes it and closes the computer without saving it or turning it off.
Back at the trailer, Jack has his clothes on and is vaguely apologizing, as Joey puts her art supplies away. By the way, he and Joey are wearing almost exactly the same outfit: carpenter jeans, a white t-shirt, and a plaid button-down shirt, only Jack's is blue and Joey's is orange. Is Joey supposed to be boyish? Is she Jack's Secret Sharer? Anyway, Jack says, "Listen, I'm really sorry." Joey says, "Listen, Jack, it's okay. Don't worry about it. Stuff happens. Although, not usually that kind of stuff, and usually not in the Potter living room." Jack says he didn't think it was such a big deal for him to pose for her, and asks if it will screw things up with them. Joey already looks stiff and uncomfortable around him, but plays it off. Jack says he didn't intend to bring sex into this evening, and that he only wanted to help her, and then trails off. Joey answers that it's okay, and that they both came into this evening with the noblest of intentions, but that there's something between them, and then she also trails off and continues to put stuff away. Joey says it was her fault, because she asked to hear about Jack's sex stuff, and Jack agrees that it was her fault, and they both laugh, and then Joey says, "Tonight was a big step in the life of little Joey Potter," in that she doesn't feel so little anymore and just bit off too much (hee!). Jack says it's okay, and that she was curious. Joey says she's wrestling with her hormones just like everyone else. Jack says, "Well, you know, if you ever want to explore your curiosity, I'm available." "First you're a model and now you're a tour guide?" she asks. Jack says, "I'm just a guy who finds it really hard not to want to [curious usage there -- what he's actually said is that not wanting to hold her is hard for him, so does he really not want to hold her at all, and the knowing is what's difficult?] hold you, and touch you, and I hadn't even really realized that until tonight, when it was completely forbidden." Joey moves toward him and points out that he has his clothes on now. He asks if that means it's not forbidden. She says that it's just not scary. He says that two scared people cancel each other out, meaning that "tonight was a night of firsts. And there's no reason that it has to stop." Is Jack's first that he's going to make out with a girl? I say yes. So they kiss.
Then we cut to Jen in bed in a very un-Jen-like plaid nightgown, holding a teddy bear (!!!), waking up to the sound of Dawson at her window. I guess he brought his own ladder. She asks what he's doing there. He swoops over her and says, "I've been thinking about what you said about motive and intent -- love versus hurt versus lust versus distraction." "And?" she asks. He leans in and kisses her. As he pulls back, she closes her eyes and breathes for a second. "Don't ask my motive," he says. "I know better," she replies. They kiss again. This is supposed to be romantic? Not.
Back at the B&B, Pacey and Andie are making out on the bed, and Pacey stops, saying that he doesn't want to have sex, or rather that he does, but "for once, Pacey Witter's raging hormones aren't going to do all the talking. For once, I'm going to do the right thing. We're not ready for this, Andie." "But I might be ready!" she protests. Pacey says, "Listen. At the risk of sounding like a really cheesy after-school special, when you're really ready, you'll know. And then we'll do this. I mean, then we'll do this 'til the cows come home." Oh, you had to go and mention the cows, didn't you. He continues: "But this thing is way too important for me to just fall back on the old 'do now, think later' Pacey Witter approach. You wanna know what the really risky thing for me to do is? It's to not [sic] have sex. I mean, maybe that way I'll have some semblance of a real relationship. So, you take all the time you need, 'cause I'll be here." Andie tells him this declaration has just made her want to do it even more. I would just like to say that there has never been a high school guy ever who would have done what Pacey just did. But good for him, anyway.
Then we get a montage of the other two couples going at it, and then Pacey and Andie walking chastely down an alley toward Pacey's car, as we see that this episode is "To Be Continued." When, pray tell, is it not?