Shouts out to Lioness, Niamh, Scrapper, goodmike, Wing, and the Couch Baron.
After Alyssa Milano's breasts welcome us to an all-new WB Wednesday, and after Joshua "Mr. Lioness" Jackson welcomes us to an all-new Dawson's Creek, and after the interminable previously-in-the-land-of-bad-writing scenes from last week, we at last fade up on Sanctum Dawsonorum and a movie playing on Dawson's TV and a wolf in the movie howling and galloping along under a full moon, and off-screen, Dawson "Part Of This Complete Breakfast" Leery wonders aloud, "Is there anything more beautiful than a full moon? It looks close enough to touch, but it's really a million miles away." The camera pans across the room and lingers on the empty bed, and off-screen, Joey "The Vertebrate" Potter takes the air out of Dawson's ersatz profundity balloon by observing, "It's actually only 240,000 miles away, Dawson, and it won't be completely full until tomorrow." Cut to the roof outside Dawson's window as Dawson, whose hair looks like a bleached version of Sam The Eagle's from The Muppet Show, says, "Well -- it's still romantic," and Joey wants to know how the moon became "the state flower for romance" and describes the moon in very prosaic terms as just a satellite that reflects the sun's light, and Dawson starts babbling about the moon "casting its peaceful silent glow over a chaotic world -- I love a full moon," as he puts his arm around Joey with that buck-up-little-camper smile on his face. Joey questions his use of the word "peaceful" and says that weird things always happen during a full moon, and Dawson asks in his customary tone of amused condescension, "Is Joey Potter being superstitious?" Joey defends her statement as "scientific," and points out that, since humans are made up of seventy percent water, the moon exerts the same pull on people that it does on the tides; meanwhile, Dawson plants little kisses on her mouth and ear and says in an icky Roy Orbison-esque growl, "You're scaring me." Then he loses his balance and almost slides off the roof but, unfortunately, he catches himself, and Joey says, "Ha ha, very funny," and looks up at the moon while Dawson scrambles back up to her with a sheepish little smile.
Credits. Carefree frolicking in J.Crew outfits; grammatically incorrect yowling.
I don't want to "Meet Joe Black," and you can't make me. Oh, and memo to Claire Forlani: whispering does not equal acting.
Fade up on scenes of Capeside. Cut to The Flash and TaMAHra discussing TaMAHra's Warehouse Of Great Contrivance. The Flash wants to see "those plans" one more time. TaMAHra doesn't mean to "sound desperate" (no comment), but she really wants to unload the property, so if The Flash wants to buy the place, she will "make [him] the fairest offer known to man," and I thought the buyer generally did the offering in real estate deals, first of all, and second of all, in light of the offers this woman has made to mere boys, it looks like The Flash should dust off that bondage gear in the attic, but anyway, The Flash asks, "Is it that bad being here?" and TaMAHra says, "Let's just say that Capeside really is a bridge I should burn." The Flash tells her that he will look over the plans once more and then he promises he will come to a decision. Memo to John Wesley Shipp: when attempting to convey an emotion, it often helps to move one or two of the muscles in your face.
Over TaMAHra's shoulder, we see Jen "The Other White Meat" Lindley strolling down the street as Vincent, a.k.a. "Billy Budd," flags her down and says, "Hey, Jen," and she says, "Hi," and he asks her how's it going and where her "evil other half" is, and Jen says, "Abby -- Abby and I are in a trial separation period right now," and Billy Budd says, "Lucky you," and then he says, "Jennifer, I'm desperate [again, no comment], you gotta help me -- what goes on in this town?" Jen truthfully says, "Not much." Billy Budd tells her, "You know, I've been here a week now, and you're the first breath of fresh air that's blown through," and as Jen makes a skeptical "whatever" face, Billy Budd continues, "And you probably think I'm flirting with you," and Jen says, "And you're not?" and Billy Budd admits, "I am. I thought I would acknowledge it and smooth things out a little," and Jen says, "It helped -- a little," and keeps on walking, and apparently Jen has gone on a no-cereal diet because her "love" for Dawson seems to have evaporated completely. Billy Budd follows her and asks her to bear with him blah blah blah "not very good at this" blah blah blah "at sea for the last eighteen days with a bunch of ill-mannered drunken idiots" blah blah blah "the simple pleasures of life" blah blah blah fishcakes (tm Niamh). Jen asks which simple pleasures he means, and Billy Budd replies, "Conversations that don't offend my mother's virtue with four-letter words, and -- a hot cup of ground-roast coffee? So, uh, please, if you have any compassion for the working man, say you'll show me the gentler side of Capeside," and can I just ask who hired Herman Melville as a script editor for this episode, because Vincent's whole Victorian please-tame-my-wild-masculine-beast-o-flower-of-femininity routine really bores me. Anyway, they make a date for 7:30 and Jen gives Billy Budd the address and she walks off making that patented teenage-girl psyched-in-spite-of-herself face.
As Jen and her blue-spectrum slim-skirt sashay out of the shot, Andie "Dexatrim" McPhee cruises into the frame and across the sidewalk and smiles a weird smile sort of in the direction of Billy Budd and walks into the video store. Behind the counter, Pacey "Only My Hairdresser Knows For Sure" Witter is watching a porno, which we deduce from the squealing coming from the TV and the smirk of appreciation on Pacey's face, but when he sees Andie he shuts off the porno in a hurry and says oh-so nonchalantly, "Well, if it isn't Little Miss McPhee," and asks if he can help her, and Andie says no thanks, she can help herself, so "why don't you go back to your 'Debbie Does Dallas.'" Pacey corrects her, "It's 'Jacuzzi Floozies,' actually," and they have a so-called witty exchange about porn movie titles, and Andie insults Pacey, and Pacey says, "You know, McPhee, we really should just bite the bullet." Andie: "Meaning?" Pacey: "All this verbal sparring we've been doing is getting a little dangerous, so we should just go out on a date before somebody gets hurt." Andie: "Forget it." Pacey: "Come on -- you know you want to." Andie: "Well, maybe if I was asked politely." Pacey, squirming and trying not to laugh: "Okay. Andie, would you like to go on a date with me tonight?" Andie, oh-so nonchalantly: "Okay." Pacey: "Try not to sound too enthused." Andie, perkily: "I'll try to restrain myself. So where are we going?" Pacey suggests the movies because they won't have to interact with each other as much, Andie agrees, Pacey says he'll pick her up at 7:30 and asks where she lives, Andie gets flustered and suggests meeting at the movies, Pacey says it's okay, he can pick her up, Andie gets more flustered and suggests meeting at the Icehouse on "neutral ground," Pacey tells her that her house is on his way, Andie says, "Maybe we shouldn't do this," Pacey tells her not to "wuss out on [him] now," and Andie reluctantly gives in and says, "Okay, um, 7:30, see you there, don't be late," and books on out of the video store with her ponytail flipping back and forth, and okay, Andie has something to hide, I THINK WE GET IT, and Pacey looks puzzled and then smiles and says to himself, "Cool," and Andie emerges onto the street with a big old grin on her face. Aw.
Cut to Jen in front of a product-placed display of Urban Decay make-up, trying on lip-liner. Abby "Single Entendre [tm Wing]" Morgan galumphs through the door and up to Jen and she seems almost coked up as she booms, "Hey! You're not still mad at me, are you?" and Jen doesn't notice Abby sniffling and wiping her nose, and Jen says sarcastically, "Why, for calling me a desperate loser? Gee, why should I be?" and puts the lip-liner back and starts to walk away. Apparently the truth still smarts a little bit. Abby gushes, "I didn't mean that I'm sorry I always get a little wiggy around this time of the month," as she grabs an eye pencil, holds up her bag, and drops it in while saying, "Oops," and if I recall my dos and don'ts of shoplifting correctly, making a big old David-Copperfield-at-Harrah's production of your petty theft falls into the "don'ts" section.
As Jen lowers her snout to a perfume snifter, Abby and her dilated pupils say, "Look, let's never let a guy come between us again. Men will come and go, but you and I are kindred spirits. We're rebels, bound together by the common need to break out of this small-town abyss," and she chucks yet another sample into her bag, and Jen says, "All right -- are you sure that you're okay with this whole guy thing, though?" and Abby says, "Absolutely," and Jen smiles with relief and says, "Okay, good, because I've been dying to tell somebody, I've got a date with Vincent," and Abby's face freezes and she says, "You bitch," and Jen in confusion says, "What?" and Abby says, "After everything I've done for you, how could you go and steal him from me?" as though what Abby has "done" for Jen -- i.e. get her drunk and advise her to throw herself at a boy who doesn't want her -- should inspire undying loyalty. Jen responds, "Are you out of your mind? He doesn't even know that you exist, Abby," and heads for the door. Abby pinches another handful of make-up before taking off after Jen and as they stalk down the street Abby snarls, "You might want to stop and pick up some condoms. You're in the big leagues now, babe -- I mean, that guy probably has illegitimate kids scattered all up and down the eastern seaboard," and could Abby please stop referring to illegitimate children as proof that sex occurred, and also, could Abby please LAY OFF THE ROCK? Jen tells Abby to shut up, and can I hear an "AMEN" from the people? Abby: "Yeah, he probably likes it kinky -- oh oh oh, but that's right, you're the girl from New York City, right?" Jen, through gritted teeth: "I'm warning you, back off." Abby sends a final shot across the bow with, "Yeah, old Vincent probably knows an easy lay when he sees one," at which point Jen whirls around and cracks Abby across the face but good and says, "Don't ever talk to me again, ever," and storms off as Abby stares after her and holds her cheek with her hair all mussed up. All together now: Hiiiiii-YA! Oh, and also, go Jen.
Over at the Scarlet A Ranch, Gale "Best Of Breed" Leery in a shorter and even more poodle-icious hairdo bustles around the kitchen while Dawson and Joey study or something at the kitchen table. Enter The Flash, who asks Gale, "What is with the Betty Crocker routine?" Gale has invited a visiting reporter over for dinner instead of taking him out. The Flash repeats the word "him" with great suspicion. Gale says something about a "roamer affiliate," about which I have no comment. The Flash opens the fridge while musing that "it's Saturday, Gale. That sounds more like a Thursday night excursion." Dawson wants to know, "What are Thursdays?" Good question, Dawson. An even better question: if The Flash suggested the open-marriage idea in the first place, what exactly gives him the right to bust on Gale for taking advantage of it? A better question still: who considers this an appropriate conversation to have IN FRONT OF THEIR KID? Gale says it's "work," and The Flash says, "You know, somehow, the fact that he's a co-worker doesn't provide me much comfort -- I wonder why?" as he drinks his bottled water. Dawson and Joey look very uncomfortable as Gale finally sticks up for herself: "At least I have co-workers." The Flash: "Meaning?" Gale: "Meaning, I work, therefore I have co-workers." Ouch.
The Flash tells her she can do better than that as Joey gathers up her things to get the hell out of there, and Dawson says he'll go with her, and they leave the kitchen as The Flash and Gale snipe at each other in the background, and Dawson says, "That Thursday-night stuff again -- my parents are scaring the hell out of me," and Joey reassures him by blaming it on the full moon and kissing him goodbye, and then The Flash blows past Dawson and Dawson tries to ask him about Thursday nights but The Flash cuts him off with "not now, Dawson" and stomps up the stairs, and Dawson watches him go, and I would advise The Flash to keep climbing, the better to get over himself. Cut to Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent as it rises into the evening sky. Yes, I do believe that WE GET IT.
Do we need another movie starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas? I don't think so. Do we need another 10-10-Go-Away ad? I don't think so.
Cut to Jen applying lipstick in front of her mirror in preparation for her coffee date with Billy Budd. Grams invites Jen once more to come to Bible study with her; Jen says, "I'll pass, Grams." Grams points out that if Jen "ignore[s] the religious ramifications, [she] might find it simply entertaining," which seems to come from a desire just to spend some time with her granddaughter, but Jen assumes that Grams wants to convert her, so with her customary lack of respect for her elders and non-gratitude for her grandmother's hospitality Jen says, "Nice try, Grams," and instead of snapping, "I think the phrase you really want is 'no thank you, Grams, but maybe some other time,' you self-absorbed piglet," Grams only looks disappointed and says, "Well, I won't be late, dear," and leaves the room. Immediately afterwards, someone knocks on the door, and Jen opens it to reveal not Billy Budd but an enraged Abby, who stands on the front stoop and fulminates, "I cannot believe that you would hit me -- me, your best friend," and pushes past Jen into the house without so much as a by-your-leave as Jen says, "Well, need I remind you that in the last two days you have called me a bitch, a slut, and a loser?" Abby and her over-pencilled eyebrows respond, "Yeah -- but I would never hit you." Like, ha ha, not. Jen: "You're warped. Why don't you just go home?" Abby: "Why, is the dork from the docks comin' a-callin'?" and Jen says, "Yes, he is -- see you later," and pushes Abby bodily out of the house, and if she told Abby never to talk to her again, why would she see Abby later?
Cut to the Scarlet A Ranch and Gale entertaining the visiting reporter in the living room, and the visiting reporter has just finished telling a shaggy-dog story, and Gale has poofed her poodle 'do out even more, and they both have big glasses of white wine in front of them. The doorbell rings, and Gale in her not-really-appropriate-for-a-work-meeting black semi-crocheted minidress answers the door, and behold TaMAHra, who tells Gale she has come to see The Flash, and Gale coldly says, "Oh, really," as The Flash appears behind her and invites TaMAHra in, and TaMAHra has brought over the blueprints for him to look at and apologizes again for "sound[ing] so desperate" (once again, no comment), and The Flash says, "Gale, you've met TaMAHra," and Gale says cattily, "PTA meeting," and The Flash leads TaMAHra into the den as an annoyed Gale closes the door.
Over at the Icehouse, Joey sketches in her sketchbook, and Jack "Not Gay Yet" McPhee makes origami birds, and a lone grizzled customer drinks coffee. Joey bemoans the paltry two dollars and eight cents in the tip cup and wonders why they don't have more customers besides "Mr. Bottomless Cup Of Coffee" on a Saturday night. Jack tells her to "relax -- enjoy the quiet." Jack and his too-small-for-his-body tiny little head get on my nerves. Jack calls Joey on her disdain for waitressing and says that he enjoys all the different "walks of life" he encounters by working in a restaurant, since Cape Cod offers a real cross-section of American culture, particularly in the off-season. Not. It doesn't. Anyway, Jack and his itty bitty little head blather on about "different hopes, different dreams," and Joey more or less says "whatever" and Jack asks Joey, "Why are you so angry?" She says the full moon "has [her] freaked." Jack says, "Not just tonight -- all the time," and gives her a Look Of Deep Meaning as he gets up from the counter and wanders away, presumably to go break some dishes or knock something over, and Joey ponders this. Whatever. Oh, and memo to Jack: either come out or shut up. [Word. -- Wing Chun]
On the front porch of Casa Grams, Billy Budd plays with a porch light as Jen comes out holding his mug of coffee with "just a touch of milk." As the camera pans around Jen's big old hocks sitting down on a wicker bench, Billy Budd says, "It's nice being off the boat for a night." Jen asks, "Do you enjoy that? I mean, being out at sea for such long periods of time?" and Billy Budd says, "Not as much as I enjoy cruising for jailbait, little girl." No, actually, he doesn't really say that. He does, however, admit to something equally sleazy and amoral, namely "saving up for law school," [tee hee! -- Wing Chun] and he leans forward suggestively to explain that his uncle who owns the marina in Bayboro (number of actual towns in Massachusetts named Bayboro: zero) got him the job. An astonished Jen says, "You're gonna be a lawyer?" Billy Budd demurs, "I know, you would have never guessed, would you?" and Jen says "no!" despite the fact that everything about Billy Budd's unctuous and smarmy demeanor practically screams "attorney," and then she stammers an apology because she "[doesn't] mean to be rude," even though she doesn't seem to mind being rude to Grams, and Billy Budd says, "I know. Appearance is everything," and Jen bites her lip and disses herself by saying, "Unfortunate, isn't it?" like, word, and Billy Budd smarms, "Not from where I'm sitting," and as their faces get closer and closer together Jen asks, "Are you flirting with me again?" and Billy Budd offers to stop, and Jen says, "Well, where would the fun be in that?" and Billy Budd says, "That's a good point," and speaking of good points, I challenge you to find any good points in the so-called saucy dialogue in this scene.
At the Scarlet A Ranch, Dawson thunders down the stairs and peeks in on The Flash and TaMAHra in the den, sitting closer together than they need to and discussing the layout of the warehouse for a possible Café Cuckold, and The Flash has his dippy Clark Kent glasses on, and they both have big glasses of white wine in front of them, and then Dawson cuts through the kitchen and peeks in on Gale and the visiting reporter in the living room as they tell more war stories and drink more white wine, and The Flash comes into the kitchen behind Dawson and asks all accusingly, "What are you doing?" and instead of saying, "Watching my parents' marriage disintegrate and waiting in vain for an explanation," Dawson says, "Nothing, nothing," and as Gale offers the visiting reporter another glass of wine, The Flash nonchalantly asks Dawson what Gale is doing, and Dawson says, "Same as you," and Gale comes into the kitchen and asks, "Same as who?" and The Flash says "oh, nothing -- nothing" while pouring himself and TaMAHra more wine. Gale opens fire: "So, Mitch, do you really think that you are going to buy this condemned building to open up a restaurant?" The Flash: "Yes, I do." Gale: "Who are you fooling? It's clear what's going on here." Gale objects to The Flash jumping down her throat for having a guest over and accuses him of hitting on TaMAHra and of letting his "Thursday night escapades" overflow into the weekend, not seeming to care that both of their guests as well as Dawson can hear this outburst, and Dawson interrupts and wants them to explain Thursday nights, and The Flash tells Dawson to go to his room, and Dawson says no, and Gale says, "Honey, now," and Dawson, remembering valuable lessons from the first week of Bad Blocking 101, flaps his arms to denote frustration and leaves the kitchen as The Flash tells Gale, "I'm planning on opening a restaurant. Now, you know this." Gale wants to know how he plans to buy the building; The Flash tells her he got a loan. Gale says, "Well, that's good, because I am getting tired of indulging in [sic] the dreams of a man who can hardly look me in the eye," and cut to the visiting reporter squirming on the couch as The Flash apologizes for "being such a burden to [her]" and says, "While you've been in there playing with Gary or Bobby or whoever it is this evening, I've been indulging [sic] some of my own dreams," and cut to Tamara cringing at the Leery family's misuse of the verb "to indulge" and its adherent prepositions as Gale spits, "And those dreams, they involve Dawson's English teacher," and The Flash nearly shouts, "They involve a damn restaurant -- not everything is about sex, Gale, at least not to me," and hypocrisy, thy name is The Flash, and The Flash storms back into the den and a half-drunk Gale storms back into the living room after grumbling, "Great," and sloshing half a glass of wine onto the cutting board.
Upstairs, Dawson flops down on his bed and someone behind him mutters, "Oh my god!" Dawson snaps, "What the hell are you doing in my room?" at Abby, who has taken up a post at Dawson's window with a pair of binoculars and is spying on Jen and Billy Budd. Abby turns around, looks stricken, and for once does not have a so-called snappy comeback.
Pacey at McPhee Manor, introducing himself to Mrs. McPhee. Pacey got confused about where he had to meet Andie and hopes aloud that Andie won't "annihilate" him. Mrs. McPhee beams at Pacey, and as she sets the dining room table she reveals that Andie is "quite taken with" Pacey and talks about him all the time. Mrs. McPhee says that Andie's father will want to give Pacey "the third degree," and that Pacey should meet Tim, "Andie and Jack's older brother -- goes to Columbia, comes home some weekends," ignoring the fact that no self-respecting college student would miss all the good parties to drive six hours each way and visit the folks instead. Mrs. McPhee calls up to Tim, but he doesn't answer, so she says, "He has those darn headphones on," and she invites Pacey to stay for dinner. Mrs. McPhee seems somewhat disconnected from reality and may in fact fall a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. As she goes upstairs to summon Tim, Pacey mutters to himself, "Oh-kaaay -- this just became a bizarre first date."
The Icehouse. Jack, tapping on lobster tank. Joey, still bitching about lone customer; Jack having itty bitty little head. Electricity, flickering. Lobster tank, going on fritz; welfare of lobsters endangered. Jack and Joey putting lobsters on ice. Andie, coming in and looking for Pacey. Andie thinking Pacey blew her off, then realizing he went to McPhee Manor; Andie wigging. Jack telling Andie to chill. Andie freaking out on what will happen if Pacey meets their mother; Andie dashing out of the Icehouse. Jack calling after her. Writers bludgeoning audience over head with Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent. Audience GETTING IT.
Ten thousand car commercials.
Cut to the Haze household, where Humbert and Lolita share a midnight snack at the -- oops, my bad, cut to Casa Grams where Jen and Billy Budd share some pie at the kitchen table while the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent reflects off the window. Billy Budd "can tell [Jen] this [story] because [he's] a secure male," blah blah blah "in New Orleans, I got so drunk, couldn't see straight" blah blah blah "met this woman" blah blah blah "her place" blah blah blah "closer and closer to -- a moment" blah blah blah "she tells me she's a he" blah blah blah fishcakes. Two words, Billy Budd: Adam's. Apple. Jen gets up to pour more coffee, as if the two of them have not downed enough java by this time to cause a seizure, and asks, "So what'd you do?" and Billy Budd says that "he, or she, or whatever, was actually really great about it," and that they stayed up drinking and laughing and "he turned out to be a really nice guy. I heard his whole story, abusive father, and, uh -- so now, whenever I'm in New Orleans, I have a free couch," like, wow, Billy Budd met a gay person and, to his surprise, they had a lot in common! How heartwarming! How open-minded! No, not really!
Billy Budd gives Jen's breast the furry eyeball as she reaches across him to put the mugs of coffee down, and Jen looks down at him and says, "You've got . . ." and wipes a crumb from of his borrowed-from-Don-Johnson stubble as she sits down. Billy Budd says throatily, "Now your turn -- most embarrassing sexual encounter," and Jen dips her finger into the pie filling and sticks it into her mouth, and the director can probably ease up on the non-verbal sexual cues because we GET THE POINT already, and Jen pretends to think about it since the writers expect us to believe that she has a wealth of sexual encounters to choose from, and she tells him about getting caught having sex in her parents' bed, "right on my dad's 300-thread count -- did not go over well, and plus it completely spoiled the moment," like, ha ha, not, and Billy Budd says, "Bummer," as they both keep dipping and licking their fingers, and I think WE GET IT -- well, everyone except for Billy Budd, who clearly hasn't yet clued in to the statutory rape charges in his immediate future. He fixes Jen with a gaze of smoldering cluelessness as she says, "Yeah, my dad can be kind of harsh sometimes -- I guess me and your drag queen friend [sic] have got something in common." I can't think what, unless you count trying to pass as a human female. Billy Budd spreads some pie filling on Jen's lips with his finger as Snuffy Walden-esque Guitar Music Of Turgid Desire plays in the background, and he kisses her with his pinky finger held aloft for some reason, and Jen with her eyes still closed licks her lips sensuously, and when she opens her eyes Billy Budd says, "I hope that's the only thing you two have in common," like, good thing we didn't see THAT joke limping into view TEN MINUTES AGO, and Jen bites her lip before they start kissing again, and this week the sound guy has hooked up the lip mic to a pair of Bose speakers.
Jen and Billy Budd still kissing, as seen through Abby's binoculars. Abby splutters, "Oh my God!" Behind her, Dawson says, "Abby!" and Abby turns around and gives him her trademark death glare, but Dawson has none of it and says, "Okay, Abby, one more time -- you're in my room because -- why?" like, yeah, really, and Abby gets up and strolls around with her arms folded and says, "Cute room, Dawson," and Dawson snaps, "I'm not asking again," and Abby says, "All right! But you can't tell anyone." Don't worry, Abby, Dawson can keep a secret. Well, all except for the "can keep" part. Abby, disingenuous: "Jen is on a date with this older guy, and quite frankly, I'm concerned." Dawson, unimpressed: "So you're spying on her." Abby, trying to seem sweet: "Well, of course." Dawson, giving voice to the prayers of thousands of viewers: "Go away, Abby." Abby sits down on the bed and says, "Parents getting you down? I heard the screaming." Dawson says, "I think the dead heard." Abby tells him not to worry, that they'll eventually get a divorce and then everything will get better; Dawson asks, "Divorce is better?" and Abby says yes, it made her parents happier and her allowance has quadrupled.
Then Abby slinks onto the bed behind him, saying, "You're so tense, Dawson," and starts giving him a shoulder rub while leaning over him to peer out the window, and I can't tell if she wants to see Jen or if she wants Jen to see her, and she leans her head down and whispers, "Mmm -- you smell good, Dawson," and Dawson says incredulously, "No offense, Abby, but this isn't gonna happen," and Abby asks why and says Joey doesn't have to know, and Dawson shrugs away from her with a grimace, and she pulls him off the bed and says, "All right. Well, then can we just kiss in front of the window so that Jen can see?" At that, Dawson spins her around and pushes her out the window but she won't let it go: "All right, all right -- can you just tell Jen we made out?" Dawson says Jen wouldn't buy it; Abby says Dawson could make it sound believable. Abby stands at the top of the ladder which The Flash took down, but which apparently Dawson put back up, and says, "Just, um, um, tell her that you and Joey have decided to have an open relationship and that you and I hooked up!" Dawson closes the window in Abby's face, but not before the Thursday Night Red Light Bulb goes off over his head and he heads downstairs.
Cut to the den and The Flash and TaMAHra. Dawson wants to talk to The Flash. Then Dawson goes into the living room and tells Gale he needs to talk to her. Once both his parents have come into the kitchen, The Flash wants to know what up, and Gale says impatiently, "Yes, honey, we have guests, we're being rude." Oh, okay -- so you don't consider arguing about said guests in front of your son and his guest rude. You don't consider arguing about each other in full hearing of said guests rude. You don't consider refusing to explain yourselves to your son and sending your son to his room when he asks for an explanation rude. And yet when your son needs to talk to you about something he describes as "very important," that qualifies as rude? Excuse me while I open the world's largest can of alphabet soup and spell the word "WHATEVER" with noodle letters. Dawson asks them point blank if they are having an open marriage. Neither The Flash nor Gale answers, choosing instead to look away and sigh little sighs of chagrin.
Meanwhile, back at Casa Grams, Billy Budd sweeps some wax grapes out of the way, picks Jen up, and plunks her down on the table. He kisses her. Jen hitches backwards on the table, and Billy Budd tries to lie down on top of her but Jen has her legs pinned firmly together and twisted to one side in the "access denied" position. She hitches backwards some more. A mug clatters to the floor, followed by more wax grapes, and Jen alternates little grunts of protest with little squeals of arousal. At last, as a bowl plunges to its death, Jen says, "All right -- I think that we've taken it far enough," and Billy Budd mumbles through a feedback-distorted kiss, "What do you mean?" Jen simpers, "Well I mean don't you think?" Billy Budd answers, "The blood's not in my head." Three letters: I. C. K.
He pounces on her again, and she tries to fend him off gently and says, "You know, I think it's kind of getting late," and Billy Budd leers, "What happened, we were just gettin' to the good stuff -- you're not serious," and I can't help thinking of Homer Simpson saying, "Mmmmm -- pooork chooops," and the last of the wax grapes and a little bread basket sail over the edge as Billy Budd lays Jen out flat on the table, and Jen tries to push him off in earnest, and when that fails she whimpers, "Look, I'm sixteen, okay? How's that gonna look on your law school application?" and I have to admit, that was a pretty funny line, and Billy Budd says, "You're what?" like, Billy Budd, wake up and smell the Love's Baby Soft, okay? Then the voice of Grams says, "Sixteen years old," and as Billy Budd looks up and gasps, "Oh my god," Grams retorts, "Not even God'll be able to save you if you don't get your hands off my granddaughter right this instant," and how much do I love Grams? Billy Budd shrinks away and says, "Okay," all placatingly as Jen lies on the table and puts her hand to her forehead, sort of like a damsel in distress, but also sort of like someone fending off an impending blow to the head with a King James Bible.
Unfortunately, we don't get to see The Righteous Wrath Of Grams quite yet, because we cut to McPhee Manor and Pacey admiring some mantel tchotchkes. As the door opens, Pacey picks up a Photograph Of Crude Foreshadowing that pictures the McPhees en famille, and then Andie bounds in and wants to know what Pacey is doing there, and Pacey apologizes for the mix-up but says that Mrs. McPhee is "being real cool about it," and Andie says, "Okay, good. Let's just go," and grabs Pacey's hand and starts to drag him out, but Pacey says he "kind of" told Andie's mom that they would stay for dinner, and Andie says that they can just sneak out and "they'll never miss" the two of them, and Pacey thinks they should just let her mom know, and "she said she'd be right down." Andie tweaks out: "Look. You have no right to be here, okay? You were not invited, my family is none of your business, and what did my mother -- what did you say to her?" Pacey doesn't get it and tells her to slow down and asks her, "What's the problem here?" Andie demands to know what her mother said to Pacey. Pacey, losing patience: "Okay, she just invited me into this Norman Rockwell painting better known as your home and politely invited me to dinner. Seems that unlike her spoiled rich society girl of a daughter, I'm actually worthy in her eyes of meeting the country-club father and the Ivy League brother," and didn't Pacey already go off on this rant once before, only to have Jacky The Pinhead correct his mistaken impression? Anyway, Andie suddenly changes her tune and says, "Okay, let's just go then," but Pacey refuses to leave because it would be "rude," and if I have this right, Pacey can forget where to meet Andie for their date, and Pacey can bust on Andie for her family's relative wealth even though Jack already told him they don't have that much money anyway, but Andie she wants to leave her own house, this makes Andie rude. Memo to writers: look up the word "rude." Anyway, Andie, nearly in tears, begs him, "Please, Pacey, please," but Pacey of course puts his foot dead in it and points a big old "J'accuse" finger at Andie: "What, are you so ashamed of me that you don't even want me to meet your own brother?" and Andie says, "No, just -- just not now," and heads for the door, and Pacey grabs her arm as the light of comprehension begins to dawn and says, "Andie -- Andie, what? What's the problem?" and Andie blurts out, "Tim died, he's dead, okay?" and Pacey closes his eyes as he has yet another I Guess I Misjudged Her Moment Of Revelation, and Andie looks utterly miserable.
Icehouse. Lobsters on brink of death. Jack tries to fix tank. Jack makes tank worse. Like, ha ha, not. Customer suggests solution; solution works. Joey and Jack get weirded out. Joey cites full moon. Joey wants troubleshooting, coffee-drinking customer to leave so she can close restaurant. Jack doesn't think customer came for coffee; Jack thinks customer had nowhere else to go, or has no family, or had a family "but they're gone now." (Customer actually came to look at boy with preposterously tiny head, but customer's line to this effect got cut.) Joey: "Maybe he lost his wife or something." Jack, stammering: "Or -- child." Does customer answer to name "McPhee"? Joey and Jack exchange look; when they look back, customer has vanished. Weirdness again cited. Lack of tip complained about by Joey, but Jack finds tip and written-on napkin under empty coffee mug. Joey, hugging Jack: "A hundred bucks? Oh my god, Jack, we're rich!" Joey starts to clean up, but Jack calls her attention to napkin, which Joey reads aloud: "By moonlight many years ago, my true love did I know / And by that moon I begged her wait, but that night did she go / So, young lovers, heed my words -- don't squander love away / The moon is changing ever still, soon comes the light of day." As Joey reads poem -- entitled, as goodmike suggested, "Crape Diem" -- Jack watches tenderly. After poem ends, Joey and Jack exchange another look. Against blue screen, Jack snaps off light, leaving them backlit by Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent. Outline of Jack grabs outline of Joey; silhouette of teeny weeny head kisses silhouette of regular head. We. GET. IT. Light comes back on, Joey stares at Jack; Joey moves away and begins cleaning up. Jack looks down. It would appear that Jack likes girls, so we have reopened the betting window on which character will end up gay.
Cut to the Leery kitchen, where The Flash says, "It's not what you think, Dawson," as Dawson paces around the table at which The Flash and Gale sit. Dawson does the Bad Blocking 101 frustration arm-flap and says, "What I'm thinking are [sic] that you two have completely lost your minds. When -- when were you planning on telling me, when you had the revolving door installed?" That's gonna sting. Oh, and go Dawson. Dawson wants to know what they were thinking. Gale seems to think she has the high ground and says smugly, "You hear that, Mitch? Our son wants to know why we're having an open marriage. So would I. Talk to your father," and she purses her lips. Um, Gale, if you didn't want to go along with the open marriage thing, why did you? Whatever. The Flash tries to wiggle out of it with, "Look, it's complicated, all right?" but Dawson's bulldog pout demands a further explanation, so The Flash says, "Your mother and I were attempting to heal some areas in our marriage." Dawson jumps in with the summary judgment, "And you thought an open marriage was the answer," before throwing himself petulantly into a chair. The Flash: "Okay, I admit, it was a mistake." Dawson: "It doesn't take a degree in psychobabble to figure that one out, Dad." Gale: "My thoughts exactly."
The Flash jumps up and literally points the finger at Gale, shouting, "Now exactly where do you get off being angry? You did this, Gale, I didn't," as Dawson looks horrified, and The Flash goes on, "We wouldn't be in this position if you hadn't put us here," and as Dawson puts his head in his hands, Gale pushes back from the table too and says, "I give up, Mitch -- I can't apologize anymore. I've got a colleague in the other room," and as Gale and her giant bangs start to leave, Dawson tells her she has to stay and "fix this," and Gale says, "No, I have to get back to work if I'm gonna continue to support your father and his pipe dreams," and The Flash barks, "You have never supported me -- ever," and Gale's face squinches up so she looks Charo, and as Dawson looks back and forth from Gale to The Flash like a dog at a tennis match, Gale says in resentful disbelief, "I have been supporting you for years," and The Flash mutters, "There's more than one way to support someone, Gale. You stand behind them and you encourage them and you believe in them -- you don't turn your back on them and jump into somebody else's bed," and as Gale starts crying, Dawson shouts, "Dad!" and Gale whimpers, "I'm sorry, Dawson" and turns to leave as Dawson calls out, "Mom!" and as she goes out of the room he does the enraged arm-flap honed in Bad Blocking 102 and yells, "Gah [sic] -- Dad! You can't just let it go, can you? Look, she made a mistake, all right -- I know that, you know that, she knows that, she's been trying to get you to forgive her and you just won't let her off the hook!" and The Flash turns around and glares at Dawson with his neck muscles twitching. Dawson continues to flail about as he says, "You've gotta -- you've gotta get beyond your own ego and just forgive her," and can I hear an "AMEN" from the people, and Dawson breathes heavily to denote emotional turbulence, and as The Flash slumps towards to the table and heavily sits down, Dawson says, "Make the decision, all right? Commit, and then go in there and -- fix this family." The Flash puts his hands to his forehead. Dawson sits down and tells him that he has to fix this, and The Flash says, "I don't know how to fix it, I don't know what to do, and I don't have any answers," keeping his head down so we can't see the lack of expression on his face when he pretends to start crying: "I thought I did. My dad -- your granddad had answers -- to every question. He taught me so much. He taught me how to shave, you know, he taught me how to drive a car, save money, build a house even, but you know he never told me what to do if my wife cheated on me," and as Dawson looks taken aback under his Muppet hair, The Flash whimpers, "I didn't know to ask -- I didn't know," and bites the back of his hand and hangs his head on the table and tries to cry and makes a lot of snurfling sounds as Dawson puts his hand on his father's shoulder and looks pained as he realizes that adults don't have all the answers blah blah blah disillusionment blah blah blah powerlessness blah blah blah weight of the world on his shoulders blah blah blah fishcakes.
Buddy Lee must die.
Fade up on Wilbur, lying disconsolate in the straw and waiting for Charlotte to -- oops, my bad, fade up on Jen sulking on the front steps of Casa Grams as Grams marches towards the camera, and already I feel a jubilant "go Grams" forming in my throat. Grams pushes open the screen door (number of actual people in Massachusetts who have not put in their storm doors by November, or December, or whatever damn month the writers have assigned to this episode: zero) and says, "I do not know what to do with you anymore, child." Jen pre-cries while biting her lower lip, "Please don't preach to me right now," and excuse me, but if an adult responsible for my welfare had come home to find my high-school self dry-humping a manual-laboring lawyer-wannabe ten years my senior on the kitchen table, I would have found my worldly belongings on the lawn and my ass sailing into week, never mind pulling a don't-start-with-me attitude like Jen's and expecting to live, and Grams says, "Oh, there'll be no talk of God, I'll leave Him out of it -- this is between you and me. What I witnessed tonight is something I never want to see again." Jen says in her trembly pre-crying voice, "I had that situation under control, okay? You don't have to get upset at me," and I would not characterize a situation in which I invited a man I barely know into an empty house that doesn't belong to me and narrowly averted getting raped, on a surface people eat on, by telling him I can't vote yet as "under control," first of all, and second of all, does Jen view her living arrangement as roommate situation or something? Which part of the phrase "Grams's house, Grams's rules" DOESN'T SHE UNDERSTAND? Grams sits down to Jen, saying, "Oh, I'm not upset, child -- I am sick," like, Grams, GET IN LINE, and Grams proceeds to read Jen the long-overdue riot act and punctuate it by shaking her fist, thundering, "I will not allow you to slide back into your reprehensible New York behavior, not while you're under my care. You will not disrespect me," and Jen interrupts, "Wait a minute, that's not --" but Grams, on a roll, cuts her off: "No, you wait a minute, Jennifer. This behavior will not be tolerated. You will treat me with respect, and you will act like a lady." Jen's face crumples in on itself as she tries not to cry but starts crying anyway, and Grams plants her espadrille dead in Jen's ass: "You will not degrade yourself, not under my roof, and not in my lifetime!" As Jen snuffles snot and feels sorry for herself, Grams hoists her righteous ass up and goes into the house, but not before asking, "Have you no respect for yourself?" and shuts the screen door behind her as Jen hiccups self-pityingly and hugs her knees and stares at the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent and an owl hoots in the background. Final score after this encounter: Grams 7, Jen 0. Oh, and GO GRAMS.
At the Icehouse, Jack and Joey finish cleaning up. Enter Dawson, who says, "I had to get out of that house" when Joey asks him what he's doing there. Dawson and Joey hug; Dawson stares blankly over Joey's shoulder at Jack. Dawson then acknowledges Jack's existence for a change: "Hey Jack." Jack tells Joey to go on home and he'll close up. Joey presses her lips together to make her trademark "awkward face" and says okay, and Joey and Dawson leave, holding hands. Jack stares after them, wondering how his itty bitty little head can hope to compete with Dawson's big old Fruity Pebbles head, and as she walks away Joey turns around to look at Jack and then she looks away and Jack borrows Dawson's arm-flap of frustration.
In the semi-darkened kitchen of McPhee Manor, Andie sits at the breakfast island and explains, "Columbia had just beaten Cornell -- it was homecoming, almost exactly a year ago." As Pacey sits on the counter, Andie fidgets with something and continues, "Dad had had one too many tailgate martinis, so Mom was driving. Jack and I were fighting for Tim's attention -- we were always fighting for his attention." Close-up on Andie as it becomes more difficult for her to speak: "And um, she didn't see the truck." Pacey chews his lip and looks down as Andie says, "Please don't say anything to anyone, Pacey, because I don't want my mom to become [the subject of] the town gossip," not that Andie should worry too much about that since, what with all the inappropriate student-teacher relationships and the open marriages and the backsliding floozies from New York, the town gossip probably has a full dance card at the moment, but Pacey promises that he "won't say a word," and he asks, "Is your mother getting any help?" Andie, not looking up as a tear rolls down her cheek because she knows she will lose it if she makes eye contact with Pacey, explains as matter-of-factly as she can manage, "We've tried -- she was in the hospital for a little while. Dad kinda bailed and um, he checks in once a week. Um, he lives in Providence with the business which is going under, so he's hurtin' too. So it's basically just me." Pacey fixes her with a look of sympathy as she says, "I mean, Jack helps, you know, some, but he kinda lives in this fantasy world where if you don't think about it, then it just didn't happen." She looks up at Pacey briefly: "I mean, she's not always like this. I mean, sometimes she's fine, but you just never know, and I'm the only one who can handle her." It gets even harder for Andie not to burst into tears as she says, "And sometimes that just gets really hard." Pacey rubs his face and hops down from the counter while gesturing at Andie and saying, "Come here." Andie yanks her arm out of Pacey's hand and says, "Don't pity me, okay?" but Pacey pulls her up out of her chair, and she still struggles and says "no" but Pacey finally overcomes her and gives her a big hug and rests his chin on top of her head as he strokes her hair and rocks her back and forth while she cries. While Pacey tells Andie "it's okay," my friend the Couch Baron and I resolutely do NOT look at each other because neither of us want to admit to the other one that we have welled up ourselves.
Joey climbs up the Forbidden Ladder to the Sanctum Dawsonorum, followed by Dawson, who says, "You were so right about that moon," and Joey says, "Yeah?" As they get to the roof, Dawson asks, "Hey, can we just -- just -- sit outside, for a couple minutes?" With the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent reflected in the window above her, Joey wonders, "Are you okay? You seem a little spooked," and Dawson just doesn't want to go back in the house, which he says is "like the House Of Despair," and they walk over to the edge of the roof holding hands and sit down still holding hands, like, how very high-school, and Joey begins, "Dawson, um, I had a really weird night too," but Dawson doesn't want to hear about any problems but his own and cuts her off with, "You know, let's just forget about everything, okay?" and stares at Joey as though she has all the answers, and Joey looks at Dawson as though she has just noticed the rhomboid shape of his head, and Dawson goes on, "All I want to do -- for the rest of this godforsaken night is just look at your face in the moonlight, because that's the only thing that matters to me," and Joey smiles a non-smile with one side of her mouth and closes her eyes, and they kiss, and Dawson leans his forehead against Joey's with his eyebrows knitted sadly, and Joey looks away from him, thinking about something else.
Dawson looks up at the moon, and recovering his buck-up-little-camper equilibrium he whispers, "Hey, look up in the sky." As the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent appears in the shot above them, Dawson says into Joey's ear, "What do you see?" Joey tries not to laugh at Dawson's dorquettishness (tm Wing) and guesses, "The moon?" There follows a wretchedly goofy and unfunny back-and-forth about the man in the moon, and they both laugh. Whatever. They kiss, and just as the lip-mic feedback starts coming in, Joey stops him and says, "Dawson, look, I," but she sees the puppyish expression of besottedness on Dawson's face and doesn't confess herself, saying instead, "...think you're right. It's a really beautiful moon," and looks determinedly at it instead of at Dawson's hypnotized gaze of undying love. At this point, the Heavy-Handed Black Cloud Of Metaphor begins to creep across the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent.
In the master bedroom of the Scarlet A Ranch, Gale sits in a giant naugahyde armchair, staring at the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent. The Flash, hands in pockets, strolls in entirely too casually and informs her, "Our guests have jumped ship." Gee, I wonder where they got that idea -- from The Flash's wholesale abandonment of his marriage, perhaps? He sits down on one arm of the armchair and waits for Gale to say something, which she finally does: "It's time, Mitch." He answers, "I know." Gale's eyes fill with tears as she asks, "So -- do you want me to," but The Flash shakes his head and says, "I'll go," and Gale heaves a shuddering sigh and the crepe on her neck jiggles, and The Flash glares out the window at the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent outside, and can the director please sit down with John Wesley Shipp and explain to him that, in a scene in which his character's marriage has just collapsed in on itself, a muscle spasm in his jaw and a "who farted" facial expression will not get it done in terms of acting? Oh, and yes, WE STILL GET IT.
As Jewel moans in the background, Joey and Dawson watch the moon, and Dawson with much self-conscious smacking of his lips begins to cry, and Joey strokes his Sam-The-Eagle hair and hugs him; Jack sits on top of the Icehouse and studies the mysterious napkin and looks up at the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent; Pacey rocks Andie in the moonlit kitchen of McPhee Manor; The Flash lies on a couch with one hand resting on his rock-hard abs and stares up at the rotating blades of a ceiling fan; Gale rocks in the wicker swing on the front porch of the Scarlet A Ranch (known henceforth as the No-Fault Hacienda); Jen pities herself some more and bites her lip and lets glycerin roll down her cheek on the front steps of Casa Grams; back to Dawson and Joey, as Joey kisses Dawson and rests her chin on his head and Dawson rests his box of Post Toasties on her chest, and as Jewel wails, "I will get down on my knees / I will pray," the Heavy-Handed Black Cloud Of Metaphor covers and blocks out the Full Moon Of Completely Unsubtle Portent.