Shouts out to Shanda, Sars, owen, bstewart, Quinn, Pacey Lover, I Like Pacey, Heather K., and those bastards at Rogers Cable.
We did get the WB so I was able to watch the "this week on Dawson's Creek" scenes, which I have to add is a practice not seen in television since the glory days of Knight Rider or MacGyver, and then for good measure I also get scenes from Charmed, a.k.a. The Craft minus Neve Campbell, a.k.a. That Dumb-ass Sandra Bullock movie: The TV Series which I didn't realize until today, since I'd never watched it, also stars Alyssa Milano and the eldest daughter from Picket Fences who probably doesn't need to get her Emmy dress out of storage anytime soon. And now: The WB Wednesday.
Oh yeah, I forgot about the disclaimer and "previously on Dawson's Creek" scenes, but then, just in case last week's powerboat-through-the-reeds scene was too subtle in its symbolism for some of the "younger viewers" who may be watching this without their parents' or guardians' knowledge, we open on a TV showing the Popeil sausage maker, until the camera pans over to Dawson's bed where he and Joey are going at it hotter and heavier and louder, and for a longer duration, than I personally care to see and hear. A shaft (geddit?) of light falls on our young lovers, and then we get the TV again as the Flash's unusually well-muscled and veiny arm reaches across the screen to turn it off, which rouses Dawson enough to glance up at "Mom and Dad!" who are all sleepy and disapproving as Dawson continues to stammer at them, "Hey, um, you remember Joey right?" and then Mr. and Mrs. Flash look at each other and then Dawson and Joey chuckle sheepishly as the opening credits begin.
So then we're at school early in the morning, where a whole bunch of extras who should be getting back to their day jobs are passing some kind of written driver's test apparently administered by a police officer, and while I took driver's ed at my school, and did have to take written tests based on material we covered in our classes, I still had to take the tests to get my learner's permit at the Ministry of Transportation (Canadian DMV equivalent), and of course getting my driver's license was based on an actual road test, but whatever. So Pacey and his re-dyed hedgehog hair "missed by one point" which the officer goes on to add is "too bad. We really need another juvenile delinquent chowderhead on the road" and although I don't dispute the veracity of her assessment, I somehow think that she might refrain from calling the sheriff's son a "chowderhead" to his face, but whatever. To this, the chowderhead in question responds, "Well, I shouldn't have studied. See what happens when you study?" Then he gets up muttering something I couldn't make out about "vehicular freedom," like maybe the sound guy responsible for this scene could borrow one of the forty mics affixed to Dawson's and Joey's mouths in the opening scene and plant one on Pacey, huh?
Anyway, Pacey puts on his most "winning" smile like pouring on the charm is going to alter the behaviour of an officer of the law when cleavage is not likely to come into play, and says to the officer, "Listen, Miss, what do you think it's going to take to change just one little answer on this test? Let's say, free videos for a year?" To which the officer replies, "You aren't trying to bribe me, are you, Mr. Witter?" (and not trying very hard, I might add). And he wheedles some more with, "Aw, come on, officer, toss me a break! It's my birthday!" and she smiles and says, "Oh, it is, really? Well, then you should have said something." And Pacey beams expectantly until she bursts his little bubble with, "Happy birthday" and walks away while his face falls. Aw. For some reason there appeared to be flashbulbs or something going on throughout that scene. I don't get that.
And then we're inside the refrigerator at Casa Leery watching Dawson peruse its contents and trying to ignore the Flash, who is standing behind him in a baby-blue robe (no comment) saying, "...and because becoming sexually active is a very serious business, I think that it's time that you and I talked about it" and Dawson tries to dodge this on a semantic basis by answering, "Hey Dad, we were just makin' out" which I have never ever had to say to either of my parents, THANKS BE TO GOD, but anyway the Flash isn't giving up so easily and says, "Dawson, boy-girl sleepovers are no longer within appropriate boundaries and now Joey isn't a little girl anymore, as you seem to have noticed," and Dawson exclaims, "This is too [or possibly "so"] surreal, coming from you of all people," and the Flash drones on, "You know, I recently saw a report on the statistical portrait of adolescent sex and contraception" and blah blah blah until Dawson rolls his eyes and closes the fridge, at which point we cut to...
...Joey coming up the walk at Casa Leery wearing a gauze-ish white long-sleeved shirt with embroidery around the collar and jeans and as she enters the porch she glances in, does a little double-take, and then without making eye contact and trying to make a clean getaway without being impolite, says, "Hi, Mrs. Leery" for it is she, sitting out also in a robe, though hers is black with a peach-ish pattern and trim and is worn over a long peach nightgown and her hair is, of course, freakin' huge and she sips her coffee and then puts down her book while answering, "Ah, Joey! Good. Honey, I'm glad you're here," as Joey visibly steels herself for intense discomfort and tension, and Mrs. Leery goes on to say, "Um, honey, come here a sec," and beckons and pats the seat beside her, and Joey half-smiles and reluctantly approaches the proffered seat to Bride of Flash who says, "Honey, this is a terrific book. Reproduction and Repercussion" and I agree that no one knows better the repercussions of reproduction than the woman who sired Cereal Box Head, who says, "It's all about preventing teen pregnancy?" which she says as a question, as Joey tries to mask the horrified expression on her face.
Then Mrs. Leery adds -- as if her purpose were not already embarrassingly clear, "So if there's anything that you would like to talk to me about, any sex questions about anything?" as Dawson steps out the door to catch the end of this speech, which concludes with, "you know you can come to me," and before Joey can ask the Faithless Hussy about the nuts and bolts of adultery, Dawson in his car salesman voice (tm xix) announces, "Hey! Look at the time! We're gonna be late! Let's go" and Joey shoots out of her seat after him. The Flash, still be-robed and hot on Dawson's heels, calls after them, "Remember, Dawson, no hat, no love," as Mrs. Leery and the rest of America correct him, "No, Mitch honey, that's 'no glove, no love," as she gets up and walks toward the rest of the group, and the Flash says, "Yeah, well, uh, you get the point," and Mrs. Leery calls, "Joey," and indicates the R & R book, which Joey takes, smiling resignedly and then the young'uns take off walking as fast as they can while Mrs. Leery rather unoriginally remarks that "our baby's growing up. It seems like just a blink ago he was coming home from the hospital," only she says it 'a ba-link' "and here we are a thousand years later..." and the Flash adds, "Clueless as ever" and then we get the requisite moment where they look at each other uncomfortably and don't know how to act around each other without the kids as a buffer, until the Flash goes into the house and Mrs. Leery watches as he leaves and then gazes out through the screen, presumably after Dawson and Joey, but at the same time lost in her own thoughts, and her doubts about the future of her marriage, and no doubt a host of other emotions no one particularly cares about.
Then we're outside Grams', as she opens the curtains in Jen's room wearing an orange blouse and orange plaid skirt and announces, "And God said, 'Let there be light!'" and then she turns and we're inside Jen's room with its pink curtains and bedding and its mostly-pink flowered wallpaper and its not-at-all incongruous Filter poster on the wall, like, GAK, and Herself is lying in bed clutching a pillow in an attempt to block out the light, and while I can't say I particularly blame her, it doesn't make me like her any more to hear her say, "Go...to hell" to her grandmother and meal ticket while rolling over in her improbable silky blue spaghetti-strapped nightie, but Grams' only response is, "Oh, don't swear, dear, God is listening!" but without any particular animation, and Jen impertinently replies, "yeah, well, if he were, he would know that 'hell' isn't considered a swear word anymore; you can say it on network TV" and I would just add that while it isn't a word I find at all objectionable, were I Jen and enjoying the largesse of a person who was a quite devout Christian, I would at least attempt to defer to that host's standards rather than those of 'network TV' and yes, I realize that appealing to the standards of network TV on network TV is all very meta and yes, I get it, and no, that doesn't alter my opinion that Jen's little argument is crap, and Jen goes on to say that, "and besides, I'm not going to school today," and Grams says, "I'm worried about you, Jennifer. You just don't seem yourself lately" and Jen protests that she's "just tired, that's all" which allows Grams to demand that she be "scrubbed, dressed, and ready for school in five minutes" and starts singing some rise and shine God-themed song while Jen burrows deeper into the covers and moans. Try to imagine how little pity I have for her right now.
Then we're at Capeside High School to which Pacey has ridden his bike only to throw it rather petulantly into a rack full of other people's bikes (without locking it, and even on Cape Cod, where I'm sure the rate of bike theft is not especially high -- in this day and age, who doesn't lock his or her bike?) and Dawson, who has materialized, protests that "you're going to kill it" and Pacey continues to beetle his brow and announces that he "failed" and Dawson asks if he means "midterms?" which once again suggests, as Sars pointed out last week, it's got to be late October or early November so why are these people still going around in height-of-summer-wear? Anyway, to Dawson's query about midterms, Pacey spits, "Midterms. Like I care, Dawson. I failed my driver's test," and makes some other inarticulate noises of bitterness, to which Dawson rightly replies, "You'd better take better care of that bike, then" and Pacey sarcastically answers, "Very funny!" and then Dawson blows Pacey off and says, "You're not going to believe it; Mitch and Gale have gone completely off the deep end. You should have heard them this morning, lecturing Joey and me on the finer points of adolescent sexuality" like 'Mitch and Gale?' Exsqueeze me? Brandon Walsh much? Quit trying to impress Pacey by calling your parents by their first names, but there's more, as Dawson concludes that "it was momentously awkward" and Pacey interrupts his monologue by asking, "Okay. Did you hear nothing I just said? I failed my driver's license test! Today! Of all days, today." And Dawson blankly offers, "So, you'll take it again." So Pacey attempts to lead the witness by saying, "Yeah, but Dawson, I really would have liked to have gotten it today" and Dawson blows him off by answering, "Today, two weeks from now, what's the big deal? Anyway, it was weird, because it figures, Joey and I have been together for a week and my parents are already shoving condoms in my pocket" and Pacey gives him one last shot with, "You don't have anything to say to me. Nothing at all you want to say today," and Dawson continues not to get it and asks, "What's up with you?" and Pacey finally twigs that Dawson is not just being coy and stammers something to the effect of, "enjoy your colony" but somehow I don't think that was the line, though it could be.
Then we get a shot of Jen's back in a lycra-looking short-sleeved t-shirt patterned with butterflies and burgundy pants, sitting on a dock drinking what appears to be coffee, as Pacey ambles up and sits down beside her, and after heys are exchanged she immediately asks, "What are you bumming about?" and he at first says "nothin'" and then after a beat and no prompting admits that he's "got a bad case of the Molly Ringwalds today" which I guess makes this the second John Hughes Brat Pack movie ripoff episode, after last season's Breakfast Club homage, as Jen considerately reminds us by answering, "Let's see, in Breakfast Club she gets a detention, Pretty in Pink she gets dumped before prom, Sixteen Candles everybody forgets about her birthday," and before she gets to For Keeps (gets knocked up) and Betsy's Wedding (gets married in a dress unmatched in hideosity except by her PiP prom don't), Jen clues in and asks, "Is that it?" as he nods, and she asks "Is today your birthday?" to which Pacey responds, "Big one-six, whoopee," and Jen says quite sincerely and nicely, "Happy birthday, Pace," and he ruefully says "thank you," and continues, "It's not so much that my family forgot, okay? They never make a big deal out of this anyhow, but Dawson always made up for it. You know, he'd always plan some crazy outing for my birthday -- we're supposed to be on a road trip to Maine right now, but that's obviously not going to happen."
Jen manages to make it all about her by answering, "Lemme take a stab at it. Joey and Dawson are so caught up in their...budding romantic entanglement that they forgot about your birthday," and let me interject here that Jen wasn't so blasé about romantic entanglements when she was involved in one like bitter much? And Pacey answers, "I should be happy for them. I mean, I am happy for them," and Jen somehow manages to gasp out, "Me too," and Pacey rightly calls her on it, answering, "No, you're not," and she admits, "I know" and they both chuckle like the world-weary sophisticates they aren't and then Jen says, "You know, I've never really been one to pass up a chance at some good, old-fashioned self-pity" which is the understatement of the millennium, and I would also like to point out that her self-assessment should also extend to her ability to invent opportunities to wallow (tm Sars) in said self-pity (as we shall see soon enough), and she continues, "but why don't you give yourself a break. I mean, today's your birthday. Celebrate" and yes, all that was delivered as flatly as it looks. And she goes on with really bad dubbing, "It could be good. Remember how Sixteen Candles turns out? Molly Ringwald gets the hottest guy in school" (whatever). "Could be you!" (major whatever which I am not even going to touch given the recent events on the forums of this site, except to say that even in my adolescent fantasies, the pink guy standing by the black Corvette was not Pacey, nor was it Steve Sanders, but I digress). And Pacey says, "Yeah! Cake, party hats [no comment], balloons, rock on! Yeah!" and Jen protests, "I'm serious. Look, so Joey and Dawson forgot all about you. So forget about them" and if I were Pacey I would be more irritated that my family had forgotten my birthday, but whatever, and once again it's all about Jen because she can't resist adding, "In fact, I think they've forgotten about all of us recently," and she tells him to go out and meet some new people and he agrees in a very meta way, saying that he's "sick of being Dawson Leery's sidekick" and is going to "get [his] own storyline" and if that storyline is at all dependent on Andie, he should call his agent, and he leaves and then after he's gone, Jen, apropos of nothing, says, "Yeah."
So then we're in the bleachers where Jen, apparently having forged a note to get herself out of gym class, has been roped into doing "clean-up duty" and is being duly ribbed for it by none other than Abby Morgan Herself, who is also sitting in the bleachers filing her nails in a red halterish tank top with flower appliques and short denim shorts and platform slides and much shorter hair than last season when she gave her bravura performance in the Breakfast Club rip-off episode.
Jen essentially tells her to shut up and then asks why Abby gets to skip gym and not have to pick up garbage as Jen is and Abby reads a doctor's note which says that Abby should be excused from any undue exertion due to "pelvic circosis" which Jen thinks is a "VD or something" but which, in fact, Abby made up, and I have to wonder why, if this note apparently excuses her from gym all semester, why the guidance office hasn't made her switch to a less physically demanding class, but whatever, and Abby goes on to say that she stole a bunch of her doctor's letterhead the last time she had an appointment and that "it's been invaluable" and then Abby is totally onto Jen and determines that without her saying so that Jen used the "menstrual cramps excuse" which is no good because you "get out of gym but not clean-up duty" and adds, "Not so bright for a big-city girl" which is true (and at which time I notice that Abby's arms seem unusually short, or maybe it's just the weird neckline of her shirt that makes them look short), and for good measure, "then again, your life in New York was probably just as dull as it is here in Capeside. I bet you never even got into a club" (hear hear! Well said!) which causes Jen to rear up on her back hooves and declaim that "The things and places I have talked myself into and out of would blow your mind" and Abby is derisively dubious and starts naming clubs to see if Jen has been there, and Jen smugly replies that she dated the doorman at "the Curtain" and even I, who have never been to New York at all and don't even know shit about clubs in Toronto can give a resounding "AS IF" to that ridiculous claim, and that "Club Retro is so five minutes ago" [at which point Sars would like to add: "Most New York establishments have a firm 'no pets' policy, so Jen couldn't get into a Starbucks on a bet, much less into Manhattan's more exclusive velvet-roped inner sancta, which require not only the last name 'DiCaprio' but also six forms of over-21 ID for entrance."] and Abby is impressed despite herself and fawningly asks what New York was like, and Jen suddenly has lipstick on. Abby says she intends to move to New York when she graduates and starts kissing Jen's ass wanting more information like what "the guys" are like, at which point I start to lose respect for Abby as the Val Malone of Capeside, dammit.
Then we're outside Bessie's Bastard Barn, then inside where Dawson and Joey are on Joey's bed presumably pretending to do homework but really are talking about the morning's events, about which Joey comments that she'll never be as embarrassed as long as she lives, and Dawson opines that his parents live for "Wonder Years moments" like that and adds that his mother has probably had R&R in a drawer since he was born (alongside Madame Bovary, Anna Karenina and The Awakening, maybe, or at least the Cliff's Notes thereof) and expresses relief that the victim of their half-assed over-parenting was Joey and not some "unsuspecting date" that he brought home and Joey says she has to write down the Flash's "no hat, no love" line before she forgets it (and too late, because she says "no hat, no glove") and reaches for her journal on the floor, at which point Dawson reaches for her and pulls her across his lap and gazes at her with his calf-eyed gaze of great awe, and starts telling her how great it is that they've gotten together since there's none of that "pretentious, getting-to-know-you crap"; after all, Dawson already knows everything about Joey: "how you think, how you feel" and she coquettishly answers that what he doesn't know about her "could fill a book," and kisses him, and then Bessie's baby starts crying along with AMERICA as some Lilith Fair refugee (tm Sars) yodels in the background.
So Joey goes out to tend to the baby and Dawson and his tiny boner (tm xix) sit up and he gazes at the space where she was, smiling dorquettishly, and then looks askance at Joey's journal and then decides to pick it up, open it at a random page and take a gander since we've never seen conflict about that scenario on TV before, no sir, and as he reads his face grows grave and the soundtrack turns to a minor key of Great Foreboding and then Dawson hears Joey approach and puts the book back and she comes in ready to resume their outmaking and as she sits down (saying she though the baby was smiling but he just had gas), he stands up and starts collecting his things and making his feeble excuses and Joey of course is confused by the 180 and says she thought he had a lot of reading to do, to which he replies, "I've done enough reading for today" with a healthy dollop of dramatic irony as the camera zooms in on a dumbfounded Joey, staring at his departing figure and we finally, thank God, cut to a commercial.
The commercials were not especially noteworthy except for an anti-drug PSA featuring such WB luminaries as Zach from Hyperion Bay, the sister on Charmed who used to be on Picket Fences, Angel from Buffy (who is, in my opinion, not good-looking), and three of the Fearsome Foursome (tm Sars). Who is the no-show? Jen. I guess maybe her hard-partying cred really is legit. Perhaps, one might even say, too legit to quit?
So then the show comes back on as Pacey staples on a bulletin board a crudely designed hand-drawn invitation photocopied on pink paper (no comment) announcing a Pier Party tonight at 8 o'clock. Dawson comes along asking what's up, and Pacey answers in a very low-key tone of voice that he's having a party, and Dawson still doesn't twig and asks why, to which Pacey responds that he's getting older and expanding his horizons or words to that effect. So then Dawson tires of Pacey's sad little life and turns the conversation to the subject of himself, telling Pacey that he "accidentally read something in Joey's journal" and I think along with "metaphor" someone might want to hip Dawson to the definition of the word "accidentally" but Pacey is ignoring him and handing out his flyers to passersby so Dawson quotes the offending passage: " 'I'm so sick of Dawson and his stupid horror movie. I wish I could tell him how terrible it is -- how stupid and putrid and rancid and...' " and he trails off with " 'it's awful' " only it sounds more like "it's softball", and anyway, Dawson, I'm sure there must have been more to it than that; come on, Dawson -- dig deep! And then Pacey puts matters in the proper perspective (while continuing by pointing out that "at least she didn't tell you that the sight of you gives her dry heaves" which would at least land her squarely in the majority, "or that you're a self-centred, self-absorbed, selfish..." and posts another flyer with great pique, but Dawson is concerned that "obviously" she has opinions she hasn't been honest about, like -- yeah, obviously is right, and, so? And he is really concerned because she called him, " 'a talentless dreamer with no cinematic future'" (bravo! Hear hear!).
And Pacey thank God says, "no offense, Dawson, but I don't think anybody cares" and I would like Pacey a lot more if he was pissy like this every week but Dawson takes exception to it and tells Pacey he's serious and that he could use some advice, to which Pacey obligingly responds, "You want some advice? How about this -- your life is not that interesting" which gets Pacey the blankest blank look there ever was from Dawson who clearly cannot even fathom that those words in that order could possibly apply to him since all he can manage to answer is, "What?" So Pacey continues, "You know, I am so sick and tired of hearing about you and Joey's boring little mini-dramas I'm going to start tearing out my fingernails for relief" and Dawson looks all wounded and confused and then Pacey to yell, "Get over yourself, Dawson! DEAL." And Pacey walks off, and Dawson and his new asshole gaze after him and I never thought that I would have occasion to say 'GO PACEY' but clearly this situation demands it. GO PACEY!
Then we get a scene where Andie asks Joey if she works at The Ice House and Joey says yes and Andie introduces herself and tells Joey with really excessive enthusiasm that her brother Jack needs a job and Joey says okay and Andie practically pees her pants with gratitude and leaves. Other than the fact that I suspect Andie's brother will turn out to be the gay character, whatever.
So then Joey is walking across a little footbridge in her brownish-reddish spaghetti-strapped tank top and jeans and white Keds which is a pretty dorky outfit if you ask me and Dawson catches up with her and contrivedly tells her that he was cleaning out his closet (no comment) and found the costume that she wore in his movie and goes on about how pretty and vulnerable she looked in it and how he then was led to wonder whether she was happy with her performance, and then comes right out and asks what she thought of his movie all litmus-test, and she answers that she loved it, and he knows it, and he prods her by asking if she'd be honest, and she says that he's very talented, which is one of his "many attractions" (whatever), and of course he's convinced that she's lying to spare his feelings and squares his jaw and once again tests her by saying he wants to make sure she didn't think it was "on...the 'stupid' or 'putrid' side" and she rolls her eyes and tells him he's acting weird and his voice starts to break as he tells her, "It's just really important for me to know that you think that I have talent and potential as a filmmaker" and as I went rummaging through my medicine cabinet for Gravol I could barely make out Joey's voice as she answered in an appropriately horrified tone, "You read my journal" and he defends himself by saying that she left it out for him to see, and she is having none of it and rightly answers that he could only interpret events that way if "it blew open or you suddenly developed X-Ray vision," and furthermore tells him he invaded her privacy, and that she could sue him for it, and he decides to make matters worse for himself by musing about what else she might have written about him, and "What else does Joey Potter really think of me?" and she shoots back, "Right now, Dawson, you really don't want to know" and I say GO JOEY.
Then we see the Flash as he shows up at the fish-gutting place of a guy who is evidently a friend of the Flash's and is for some reason all butch but wearing a really ostentatious New Age-y necklace and I would like to defer to owen's or bstewart's assessment of the Flash as a circuit queen if this is the way his pals dress, and the reason the Flash is in the neighbourhood is supposedly that he was scouting a warehouse door as a possible restaurant location, to which I would like to respond that (a) I would never EVER patronize a restaurant door to a fish cannery or guttery or whatever and (b) this is the first I've ever heard of the Flash having a job other than breaking Gale's balls. And the friend, whose name is Cole, is totally onto the Flash and asks why the Flash is really there, and the Flash demurs presumably until Cole hands him a beer, and then he sighs...
...and we cut to Bride of Flash who is doing something with plants on her back porch as Grams approaches with a (presumably empty) casserole dish and tells her it was very kind of her to send over "that delicious casserole when Mr. Ryan passed" and Gale basically says she's welcome and then wastes no time getting Grams to leave behind the subject of her dead husband and to talk to her about Gale's dead marriage...
...then we cut back to the menfolk as Cole tells the Flash that he has to "avoid the Big D" at all costs and while I wish he meant 'Dawson,' it's probably more likely he's referring to 'divorce' and the Flash says they've tried everything and Cole says that if they got divorced the Flash would "lose everything, not to mention become a weekend daddy to Dawson" which doesn't sound so bad to me and the Flash agrees and speculates that Gale wouldn't mind if he had an affair since it would let her off the hook, and Cole asks "Why not?" and the Flash scoffs at that solution...
...then we cut back to the womenfolk as Grams tells Gale that marriage is all about "enduring the ebbs and flows" and tells her that she must do everything in her power to save it, and Gale agrees in principle but the solutions she actually mentions are "marital aids" and selections from the Victoria's Secret catalogue, like, are you aware of whom you are talking to? And, could anyone on this show please have some sense of occasion and treat Grams with a little respect? Please? So Grams is too polite to tell Gale where to stick her marital aids and clarifies that she was "thinking more along the lines of renewing your wedding vows. I wasn't suggesting that you have an affair, you stupid bitch" (except that I added the "stupid bitch" part)...
...then Cole says he isn't talking about the Flash having an affair, but about an open marriage, and as I, along with AMERICA, recoil in horror, he likens "swinging" to beanbag chairs and lava lamps and Cole makes the hoary old point about human beings' not being instinctively monogamous and as I screamed "WHATEVER!" at the TV I could almost hear Cole continue in the vein that if the notion of infidelity were removed from marriage, the divorce rate would be "zilch" and then as the Flash looks dubious Cole leers, "Works for me and Lisa" and if I were the Flash I would tell Cole that was more information than I cared to hear.
Then we cut to Pacey as he continues to plaster Capeside with his stupid flyers and by now he has moved on to cars, specifically Andie's car, and if Andie has a brand-new car, I don't understand why it is that her brother needs to get a job. But anyway, Andie gets out of the car and starts breaking Pacey's balls about putting unsolicited material on her car and Pacey essentially tells her to get lost, and then I remember that the last place I saw Andie was in a commercial where she confided her chronic tendency to purchase make-up which looked good in the store but which disappointed her upon her arrival home -- a problem which had persisted sufficiently to require that she keep a drawer full of make-up which she couldn't wear. Thankfully, she wished to spare consumers like me from making her mistake, and advised me to purchase my cosmetics at Walgreens, since they would happily accept returns of cosmetics from anyone with buyer's remorse like hers. But I digress. She asks what the occasion is, and he and his really bad dye job tell her it's a going-away party since he's dying of a heart stripe, "or hadn't you heard?" and she chirps "where's your sense of humour?" in an incredibly affected way and then they recap the events of last week and the cheerleader and she finally asks why he would want to go out with someone so dumb as to believe there were such a thing as a heart stripe and then trails off as he gives her the evil eye and then she says she'll be at the party and he asks what makes her think she's invited, and she answers that the flyer says "come one, come all" and then he tells her to read the fine print which says "except spoiled trust fund casualties from Rhode Island" and again I have to ask what the urgency is surrounding Jack's job if they're rich anyway, but whatever, and Andie scowls as Pacey takes off.
Then we're at Jen's, where she and Abby are sitting on her bed looking at pictures while some no-talent Sony Music product plays in the background and Jen hands Abby a photo of "Charlie," the guy she was telling her about and Abby is creaming her skirt as Jen looks on ever-more smugly and tells her they spent a weekend in Atlantic City "before he had to ship out," like, whatever, and then Abby says she can't believe Jen has eyes for Dawson Leery since she has "lived, sister!" and Jen bites her lip annoyingly and doesn't contradict her, even more annoyingly, and then Abby refers to the rest of the Fearsome Foursome as "Forrest Gump and Company" which was pretty funny and tells Jen they should go to "Pacey's bogus dock party" and "crack on the people there" and then Jen bites her lip some more, with mischief this time, I guess, and then Abby produces a bottle of champagne, and Jen laughs.
And then we're at The Ice House as Dawson stalks Joey around the place while she's trying to work and apologizes for reading her journal in the least apologetic possible way, to wit: "All right, soIshouldn'thavereadyourjournal. Come on, you can't tell me all the time you've been alone in my room that you've never snooped?" and Joey says she hasn't because she, unlike him, respects his privacy, and he answers, "You obviously don't respect my filmmaking abilities" and Joey points out that the point is not how she feels about his "quest to be Spielberg Junior" (which was pretty funny) but the fact that he was plain wrong to read her journal at all, like, obviously. And then Dawson is trying to push it some more as Probably Gay Jack shows up all self-effacing and identifying himself (except that he leaves out the "Probably Gay" part) and Joey has no idea who he is and then remembers and asks if he's ever washed dishes before and he says no like, GAK, what a princess! and she sends him to the kitchen with an apron and then Dawson and Joey fight some more about whether she was more wrong to write what she did, or whether he was more wrong to read it (and I'll let you, dear reader, guess on which side of this debate I place my sympathies) until Probably Gay Jack returns to ask Joey to tell her sister he works there since she won't let him in the kitchen, and then Dawson decides to get in a parting shot before she goes, to the effect that he's glad he read it since he now feels he doesn't know her at all, and Joey not only agrees but goes him one better, suggesting that he never did, as she gives him the Joey Glare and he gazes into the space her body used to occupy, pouting mightily.
Then there's another commercial break, thank God, including an ad for Pleasantville, and I would just like to say to those few people who know what both are about that I giggle inside at the thought of the market confusion between that movie and Happiness, since they both open in the same week. Tee hee!
Back on the dock Andie is for some unknown reason following Pacey around like a skinny blonde gadfly wearing a bikini top and sarong and an inane exchange follows in which Andie comments that she is nervous around new people and ends up falling completely silent, to which Pacey replies that she hasn't stopped talking since they met, and she says that's because he makes her mad, not nervous, and "mad beats nervous" in the rock-paper-scissors game that evidently is her emotional landscape, and then she points out some more cheerleaders and comments that "some older women like younger men" (as Pacey chuckles knowingly to himself) in another deft use of dramatic irony except for the deft part (tm Sars) and then Pacey says he wishes he made her nervous, and I have to agree as she smirks back at him cocking her head back and forth about forty times like a noddy dog in the back window of a car and although everyone around is bikini-clad, it looks pretty cold there, and I wish that someone in the continuity department could remember that in the timeline of the show, it's really only about November, if not later in the year, and while I know nothing about Cape Cod I have an idea that the northern parts of the Eastern Seaboard get kind of cold around that time of year.
So then there are some more shots of too-scantily-clad extras milling around the dock (and does Pacey own this dock? And if not, why does he get to host a party there? Whatever), and playing beach volleyball and Pacey tries to be all Steve Rubell gazing out over his happening, but evidently it freaks him out since he can't actually approach any of these strangers and when he does get close to a girl she pours her beer into the water and very overdubbed, pronounces that "this is skunky" as Pacey slinks away.
Then we get a shot of Dawson approaching the party in his powerboat and then another shot of Pacey as he watches Dawson approach and rolls his eyes and then cut to Jen and Abby who are both in sundresses (and Jen is, by the way, showing a great deal of her bosom, to the point where she seems to be in imminent danger of a pop-out) and are totally shit-faced and giggling and Jen is saying that "three" is her "limit" like, what happened to the Jen who had a crazy weekend in Atlantic City before Charlie had to ship out? So they're staggering around and carrying on and then Abby looks over and sees Dawson mooring the boat and says, "I bet you don't have the berries" to kiss the guy that comes by, and I say, "berries?" and Jen says "you're on, sister-friend!" and of course since the guy happens to be Dawson she has no problem lurching over to him and planting one on him, and he of course takes it amiss and asks what's wrong with her as if it weren't painfully obvious and a cliché besides, and she looks wounded and wobbles away and Abby chastises Dawson, "Nice going, Romeo," as he takes off in the opposite direction.
Then we're back at The Ice House which is evidently closed as Joey gazes wistfully out the window at some guy hosing off the parking lot (or at least, as wistfully as she is able to communicate to the audience using her back), and then sighs and starts wiping tables and then becomes aware of the fact that Probably Gay Jack is staring at her and she asks, "What?!" and he says "Nothing" and he asks "First fight?" and she asks "what?" again and he answers "boyfriend" and she at first says "hardly" and then clarifies that it's their first fight as boyfriend and girlfriend although when they were friends they fought constantly, but it's different now and Probably Gay Jack points out that they therefore haven't had their first make-up yet and she gives the Crooked Joey Smile (tm) and agrees that's true, and Probably Gay Jack tells her to go ahead because he'll "lock up" and Joey demurs for a moment since Bessie would kill her, and then accepts, and I realize that I don't know a lot about family-owned businesses, but it seems to me that it would take a bit longer than, um, A SHIFT for someone outside the family to prove himself sufficiently trustworthy to be allowed to lock up; I mean, there's no reason he should even have a key yet -- he doesn't even have a uniform! But whatever; this being a tertiary character of great blandness (other than the probability of his gayness) I guess he probably won't rob the place which I guess is Joey's reasoning as she high-tails it outta there leaving Probably Gay Jack to finish her own duties and he gazes wistfully after her and then as Joey is about to cross the threshold she hears the sound of a breaking dish but instead of going back in, she rolls her eyes and continues on her way.
Then we're back at the dock where Pacey appears greatly annoyed by the drunken hooligans armed with Super Soakers who probably don't even know his name and Dawson drops down in front of him and starts hectoring him again about requiring advice about Joey since he and Pacey know everything about each other which finally causes Pacey to crack and ask Dawson whether he knows how Pacey got "this scar on my cheek" or "why my dad hates me" or "the real reason I ride the fine line between insecurity and supreme self-confidence" and concludes that Dawson doesn't know the answer to any of those questions and furthermore doesn't even know when Pacey was born and it finally dawns on stupid Dawson what is up Pacey's ass and he starts apologizing about the botched road trip and expressing regret that Pacey didn't get his driver's license and Pacey corrects Dawson, saying none of that matters since the real reason he's upset today is that he's just realized that everyone in Capeside has written him off as beneath their notice and that his best friend feels the same way and Dawson wants to know how he can fix it and Pacey says he can't since what Dawson has with Joey can't compare with what Pacey and Dawson have and that furthermore Pacey isn't "the third-wheel type" as Sars in New York screeches "IT'S 'FIFTH WHEEL'!" as Pacey stomps off leaving Dawson staring dumbly after him as we cut to commercial.
Then we're at Casa Leery where the Flash is reading in his Troy McClure glasses as Bride of Flash approaches in her robe and starts asking contrived questions like "good book?" and that she's thinking of re-decorating and what does the Flash think? and then she does that obnoxious thing where she uses her fingers to 'walk' along the back of the Flash's neck, which she then kisses, completely ignoring his uninterested body language, forcing him to get up, whip off his glasses, and tell her that although he doesn't want a divorce, they will have to make some changes, since living the status quo is killing them, and Bride of Flash with her hair all piled up poodle-style on top of her head starts to well up but she agrees and then he starts telling her about his conversation with Cole about sex in marriage since sex is very often the downfall of a marriage and she at first thinks that he means he wants to take the sex out of the marriage but he says he doesn't and clarifies that since they've lost the honesty in their relationship they have to "open this thing up and explore some new possibilities" and I do not approve of this Tony Robbins approach to marriage, not one bit, and he says it's a paradox to try to reclaim honesty by...and she asks "by what?" and he finally asks if she wants to try having an open marriage and she gasps and wells up some more and doesn't do the Bride of Flash stomp anywhere which, though she is a Faithless Hussy, I think she would be entitled to do under the circumstances.
Then we get a shot of water as that obnoxious "Kiss the Rain" song starts, which I will forever associate with the most idyllic hours of David's and Kira's love affair on The Real World while the rest of the roommates were out snowboarding and Irene split her lip, but anyway it's raining, see, which is why the song really works, and then we get a shot of Dawson all pathetic fallacy standing in the rain and then we see Joey also standing in the rain turning around to gaze through the milling crowd at Dawson and she is not only wearing a tank top but even worse, a mostly backless halter top and I don't care what the precise timeline is -- if school is in, it's too cold at night to expose that much skin especially if it is raining. Am I wrong? Anyway, they do the music-video make-up scene for about twenty minutes and I will spare you the details as I wish I could have spared myself.
Then they're sitting by the water and Dawson tells Joey he forgot Pacey's birthday and she says nothing about it and Dawson goes on about how pissed Pacey is and how Dawson doesn't blame him, like how big of you and then Joey says, "I'm sorry, Dawson" like, he's the dick here, and Dawson says, "I pretty much suck, in all areas" (no argument here) and starts going on about how he has no talent and that probably someday there will be people lined up "from here to Hollywood" telling him how useless he is but that he never imagined she'd be one of them, like DROP IT ALREADY, my God. And Joey points out once again that he was wrong to read the journal, and tells him she isn't going to let him off the hook for it and that she doesn't owe him any explanation, but even so, she says that she has had "these feelings for you for so long" but has had to squelch them and that sometimes that frustration manifested itself in catty comments since that journal was where she went to "trash the world" and that it's "not necessarily the truth, it's just how I'm feeling on that particular day" which is pretty much how journals work, people! But anyway, she concludes that "I save the truth for you, Dawson" and that she's always believed in him and that he's extraordinary and talented and that she's his biggest fan and as I suppress my gag reflex he answers that every day she amazes him and she says "Good" and smiles with her whole mouth looking very pretty and very much like Pacey and then they kiss...
...at which point THANK GOD we cut to Jen and Abby tossing their cookies along with AMERICA at the sight of this romantic interlude between Joey and Dawson about whom Abby comments that "those two won't be the poster children for abstinence much longer" and Jen is incredulous as she looks at them and predicts that Joey will "hold out" and Dawson will get sick of it (which I guess leaves the door open for Jen, the mattress of the five boroughs if we are to believe her own hype) and Abby notes that after all those years of sleeping in the same bed together there's not much more they need to know about each other, and Jen still maintains that they're like brother and sister, to which Abby replies that "maybe they're pretending they're in Kentucky" which was a pretty funny line, but now Jen is all disturbed and tells Abby it "doesn't help" and invites her to "look at me, I'm a mess" and Abby tells Jen she has more style and sex appeal in her "little finger than that white trash loser" (indicating Joey) and I have to concur with owen's suggestion that Jen and Joey should have gotten each other's parts since Joey is obviously the one with style and finally Jen croaks, "I want him back" to which a horrified Abby answers, "God, WHY?!" along with AMERICA and Jen is all vulnerable and bosomy and smeared-mascara Courtney Love Hewitt and bites her lip and answers "Cos I love him" and Abby rolls her eyes since that's "just the booze talking" but then the scheming Abby we would like to know and love squares her shoulders and answers that "we'll get him back for you" to which Jen responds by biting and un-biting her lip for about twenty minutes and says, "Kay."
Then we cut to Pacey who is sitting on a boat and Andie coes along, not having changed out of her bikini top and sarong in spite of the fact that it's DARK OUT and HAS RAINED and anyway she gives him a magic 8-ball she had originally intended as a gift for her brother and he asks it whether he'll pass his driver's test on the try and "signs point to yes" and then she grabs it from him and fumbles it into the water which Pacey says "can't be a good sign" and starts blathering about how this party was supposed to be some grandiose gesture of profound personality change but it was a profound failure and she tells him he's still just "figuring it out" and Pacey answers that "we are so deep." Yawn. Note to Producers: These Two Have No Chemistry. Save Us.
Then we cut back to Dawson and Joey who are still making out and then he tells her he has to go talk to Pacey.
Then we're in Grams' house as Jen approaches a mirror and gets a glimpse of her slatternly self and distressedly wipes the mascara from beneath her eyes.
Then Dawson in a windbreaker and Pacey in a garbage bag through which he's poked his head and arms are picking up garbage from the party, and hey, I'm no psychologist but maybe Pacey's self-confidence would increase if he didn't outfit himself in a trash bag, but whatever. So Dawson apologizes some more and blames his forgetting Pacey's birthday on complicated stuff with Joey, and Pacey tells him he's happy for Dawson and Joey although he's going to miss some things about being Dawson's best friend (though he doesn't say what) and Dawson says they'll always be friends and some things won't change (though he doesn't say what) and then Dawson asks if they're "having a moment" and Pacey thinks they are and they break it because they're boys and otherwise it would be gay and then Dawson says they should go to Maine anyway because Dawson knows where his dad keeps the keys to the "fishmobile" (no comment) and Pacey blows him off and finally Dawson says, "Pacey? Happy birthday" as they zip off in the powerboat cresting through the waves in a pretty major shout-out to Freud, at which time the credits finally roll.