Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Shut up.
By Demian | Season 2 | Episode 5 | Aired on 11.01.2001
First off, major props to Kim for enduring this hell on a weekly basis. She has the strength of ten recappers, I tell you. I'd also like to thank Shack for the rosaries he's offering up during this, my hour of need. Finally: James Cameron? Bite me. As if The Abyss and Titanic weren't bad enough.
I suppose I should explain my presence. Kim recently got engaged, and after putting up with this year's roster of delusional losers, drunks, and drag queens on The Real World, she quite reasonably decided a short vacation with the fiancé was far preferable to seeing what Jessica Alba's lips were up to on Halloween. Therefore, I'll be your guide this week as Max indulges in a bit of production-company-dictated nonsense. I've never seen Dark Angel before this evening, and trust me, after this episode, I will never be seeing it again. Let's get to the recap, then, shall we?
The hour opens in Logan's apartment. He and Asha stare intently at a computer screen as Asha asks, "So what's the deal with this hit man?" Logan notes that the hit man in question is "an independent contractor" who "got into town last night." He's the same independent contractor hired by somebody to kill someone named Rivera last year. Asha fumbles some manuals to the floor. When she bends to collect them, Max is revealed to be standing in the adjacent room. Logan greets her. Max just swung by "to cadge some coffee," but she volunteers to assist them in tracking down the contract killer. There's no coffee to be found in Casa Logan, which the gentleman of the house finds "ironic given that Seattle was the coffee capital of North America back in the day." Logan and Asha have everything covered already with the aid of the gang at S1W, but they appreciate the offer. Hearing this, Max shrugs her shoulders mildly and announces she has to "jet." "Cadge"? "Jet"? I hate these people already. Before Max leaves, she notifies the two of the party being held at Crash in honor of Halloween. Logan and Asha can't make it, as they're, you know, trying to stop a hired assassin and all, but they thank Max for the invitation nonetheless. Max leaves.
Cut to the headquarters of a bicycle messenger service. They're bicycle messengers? How trendy and daring and counter-cultural. In 1992. Max and Original Cindy stride down a gangway as Max fills Cindy in on her run-in with Logan and Asha earlier in the day. They pass Normal, who stands at his counter in front of a sign that subtly announces, "NO HALLOWEEN COSTUMES DURING BUSINESS HOURS." From the looks of things, no one save Normal and the ladies is following this directive. Normal calls out an order. The vast horde of unwashed twentysomethings ignores him. I see the personal grooming habits of Seattle residents haven't changed much in the post-apocalyptic future. Normal emerges from his cage to yell as various slackers in costumes clock out early. Sketchy tools in clad in full Dracula drag, down to the fake teeth he pops out of his mouth when Normal confronts him about the dress-code violation. "Two-thirty-seven Magnolia," Normal barks, thrusting a package at him, "and take off that get-up. You look like a weirdo." Sketchy is not a weirdo. Sketchy is rather "the shape of things to come. Demons. Mutants. Monsters. Creatures not of this world walking among us." To prove his point, he shoves a copy of The New World Weekly into Normal's hands. The headline reads, "Transgenics: What Do They Want From Us?" Whatever they want, I doubt it's your pathetic job, Sketchy. Max petulantly eavesdrops on the conversation from the other side of the staging area. Did Manticore implant bionic listening devices in her lips? Normal asks Sketchy to explain this "folderol," and I think I hate Normal, too. Sketchy speeds through "It's the alternative press following up on the Eyes Only story about the escapees from Manticore -- everything the government doesn't want you to know." Thanks for the backstory. Loser. "You have an ass where your head should be," Normal states flatly, and for that, he stays off the shit list. For now. He orders Sketchy to get both of his asses over to the Magnolia address, pronto. Sketchy protests, noting that it's three o'clock in the afternoon. Normal thanks him for the time check and asks if he could get the weather report as well. Original Cindy wiggles her bosom under Normal's nose and pouts that "the whole town shuttin' down early" due to the holiday. Normal couldn't care less. Cindy bops her head around and spits, "Why you gotta be so salty?" Because she's a Sassy Black Lesbian. I know. I looked it up. Normal still could not care less, and tells her he's not closing early. Max sidles over to Cindy and slyly threatens Normal. Should he not allow his staff to leave, the unwashed hordes will TP the messenger service overnight. There's a needless pause and an egregious focus-pull as Normal contemplates this. He caves, telling them all that the office will shutter at four that afternoon. Cindy and Max snicker and turn away. Rafer pops in to ask Max if she's going to the big party at Crash that evening. Max is "thinkin' on it." "Thinkin' on it"? What is wrong with these people? Who talks this way? Max and Rafer smile at each other before parting ways. They make the perfect couple, as each is as aggressively bland as the other.
The scene cuts to Max and Cindy perched on their bikes at a red light while "Clint Eastwood" splatters itself all over the soundtrack. Max tells Cindy she told Rafer she'd "maybe" show up at Crash that evening. "'Maybe'?" snorts Cindy. Sassily. "That is a sign of mental health." What in the who? The hell? A smelly beggar man named Murray approaches and asks the two if he's told them "the one about the priest, the minister, and the rabbi." Cindy waves him and his stench away. As the light switches to green, Max asks Cindy to disclose her costume choice for the night. "Either Snow Ho and the Seven Little Pimps," goes the reply, "or Rick James. I'm thinkin' Supafreak bo deep-o sitch amma gulla gull deeks." I swear that's what the woman said. The two push off down the street, with Max asking if Cindy would mind accompanying her to Joshua's to drop off some groceries. Cindy has no problem with that. I think. Her response is, "Lefsa hay daggy dawg," so you decide. I'm so white. Max and Lesbian Ebonics Barbie wheel out of the frame.