First off, major props to Kim for enduring this hell on a weekly basis. She has the strength of ten recappers, I tell you. I'd also like to thank Shack for the rosaries he's offering up during this, my hour of need. Finally: James Cameron? Bite me. As if The Abyss and Titanic weren't bad enough.
I suppose I should explain my presence. Kim recently got engaged, and after putting up with this year's roster of delusional losers, drunks, and drag queens on The Real World, she quite reasonably decided a short vacation with the fiancé was far preferable to seeing what Jessica Alba's lips were up to on Halloween. Therefore, I'll be your guide this week as Max indulges in a bit of production-company-dictated nonsense. I've never seen Dark Angel before this evening, and trust me, after this episode, I will never be seeing it again. Let's get to the recap, then, shall we?
The hour opens in Logan's apartment. He and Asha stare intently at a computer screen as Asha asks, "So what's the deal with this hit man?" Logan notes that the hit man in question is "an independent contractor" who "got into town last night." He's the same independent contractor hired by somebody to kill someone named Rivera last year. Asha fumbles some manuals to the floor. When she bends to collect them, Max is revealed to be standing in the adjacent room. Logan greets her. Max just swung by "to cadge some coffee," but she volunteers to assist them in tracking down the contract killer. There's no coffee to be found in Casa Logan, which the gentleman of the house finds "ironic given that Seattle was the coffee capital of North America back in the day." Logan and Asha have everything covered already with the aid of the gang at S1W, but they appreciate the offer. Hearing this, Max shrugs her shoulders mildly and announces she has to "jet." "Cadge"? "Jet"? I hate these people already. Before Max leaves, she notifies the two of the party being held at Crash in honor of Halloween. Logan and Asha can't make it, as they're, you know, trying to stop a hired assassin and all, but they thank Max for the invitation nonetheless. Max leaves.
Cut to the headquarters of a bicycle messenger service. They're bicycle messengers? How trendy and daring and counter-cultural. In 1992. Max and Original Cindy stride down a gangway as Max fills Cindy in on her run-in with Logan and Asha earlier in the day. They pass Normal, who stands at his counter in front of a sign that subtly announces, "NO HALLOWEEN COSTUMES DURING BUSINESS HOURS." From the looks of things, no one save Normal and the ladies is following this directive. Normal calls out an order. The vast horde of unwashed twentysomethings ignores him. I see the personal grooming habits of Seattle residents haven't changed much in the post-apocalyptic future. Normal emerges from his cage to yell as various slackers in costumes clock out early. Sketchy tools in clad in full Dracula drag, down to the fake teeth he pops out of his mouth when Normal confronts him about the dress-code violation. "Two-thirty-seven Magnolia," Normal barks, thrusting a package at him, "and take off that get-up. You look like a weirdo." Sketchy is not a weirdo. Sketchy is rather "the shape of things to come. Demons. Mutants. Monsters. Creatures not of this world walking among us." To prove his point, he shoves a copy of The New World Weekly into Normal's hands. The headline reads, "Transgenics: What Do They Want From Us?" Whatever they want, I doubt it's your pathetic job, Sketchy. Max petulantly eavesdrops on the conversation from the other side of the staging area. Did Manticore implant bionic listening devices in her lips? Normal asks Sketchy to explain this "folderol," and I think I hate Normal, too. Sketchy speeds through "It's the alternative press following up on the Eyes Only story about the escapees from Manticore -- everything the government doesn't want you to know." Thanks for the backstory. Loser. "You have an ass where your head should be," Normal states flatly, and for that, he stays off the shit list. For now. He orders Sketchy to get both of his asses over to the Magnolia address, pronto. Sketchy protests, noting that it's three o'clock in the afternoon. Normal thanks him for the time check and asks if he could get the weather report as well. Original Cindy wiggles her bosom under Normal's nose and pouts that "the whole town shuttin' down early" due to the holiday. Normal couldn't care less. Cindy bops her head around and spits, "Why you gotta be so salty?" Because she's a Sassy Black Lesbian. I know. I looked it up. Normal still could not care less, and tells her he's not closing early. Max sidles over to Cindy and slyly threatens Normal. Should he not allow his staff to leave, the unwashed hordes will TP the messenger service overnight. There's a needless pause and an egregious focus-pull as Normal contemplates this. He caves, telling them all that the office will shutter at four that afternoon. Cindy and Max snicker and turn away. Rafer pops in to ask Max if she's going to the big party at Crash that evening. Max is "thinkin' on it." "Thinkin' on it"? What is wrong with these people? Who talks this way? Max and Rafer smile at each other before parting ways. They make the perfect couple, as each is as aggressively bland as the other.
The scene cuts to Max and Cindy perched on their bikes at a red light while "Clint Eastwood" splatters itself all over the soundtrack. Max tells Cindy she told Rafer she'd "maybe" show up at Crash that evening. "'Maybe'?" snorts Cindy. Sassily. "That is a sign of mental health." What in the who? The hell? A smelly beggar man named Murray approaches and asks the two if he's told them "the one about the priest, the minister, and the rabbi." Cindy waves him and his stench away. As the light switches to green, Max asks Cindy to disclose her costume choice for the night. "Either Snow Ho and the Seven Little Pimps," goes the reply, "or Rick James. I'm thinkin' Supafreak bo deep-o sitch amma gulla gull deeks." I swear that's what the woman said. The two push off down the street, with Max asking if Cindy would mind accompanying her to Joshua's to drop off some groceries. Cindy has no problem with that. I think. Her response is, "Lefsa hay daggy dawg," so you decide. I'm so white. Max and Lesbian Ebonics Barbie wheel out of the frame.
Cut to Jo-Jo The Dog-Faced Boy staring out his window through the burglar-proof mesh. I should call it addict-proof mesh, because the house looks like a crack den. He watches a passel of costumed brats trick-or-treating as they wander to and fro on the street below. Jo-Jo sniffs at the air. For a moment I thought he was of a mind to eat the costumed brats, but alas, I was wrong. He just playfully arfs at them a couple of times. There's a knock at Jo-Jo's door, and he snuffles his way over to it. Jo-Jo crouches down to the doorknob, twisting it cautiously. He edges through the threshold and turns to face a little blonde Nazi child dressed as a debutante zombie with a fake butcher's knife through her head. She screams, loudly and at a pitch so high it approaches the ultrasonic. Rather than retrieving a real butcher's knife and gutting the little monster, Jo-Jo rears back in silent, gape-snouted terror. The camera cuts back to the monstrous moppet, dives into her mouth, and emerges into the opening credits.
The shot following the credits parallels in reverse the one immediately prior. We pull back from the commercial through Jo-Jo's own screaming mouth as he flutters in terror against the door frame. It's disgusting; you can see the underside of his tongue. The mutual screaming goes on for some time. Max and Ebonics Barbie bound up the front steps to the porch to defuse the situation. The Nazi child shuts her mouth, then smirks, "Trick or treat! Did I scare you?" Not so much "scare" as "deafen," but thanks for asking. Little sow. Ebonics Barbie takes Jo-Jo's hand and says, "Wily comma Halloween, Boo." The Nazi child demands candy, for she and her "crew" have thus far received nothing more than a carton of eggs. This dialogue is going to kill me before the ten-minute mark. Max forces a fiver into the Nazi child's hands, telling her to scram. The Nazi child tells Jo-Jo he has a "cool costume" and exits with said "crew." Max asks Jo-Jo if he's okay. Jo-Jo does a shaky little head nod that aims for dismissive but clearly indicates that he now needs to change his underwear. The three enter Jo-Jo's House Of Crack, shutting the door behind them.
Ebonics Barbie spins around, taking in the living room. She claims she once "live inna crib kinda like this witha Dominican sistuh named Ver-on-ica." She was shacking up with a nun? Kinky. Waxing poetic at the memory, she adds, "Ar-mani." What? What? Jo-Jo gazes longingly out the window as Max unpacks the groceries. He mimics the Nazi child, repeating her compliment on his appearance, then scurries over to Max's side. "Max and Joshua outside with Up There people." He speaks like a Heap Big Injun Chief from one of John Ford's lesser efforts, but at least I understand what he's saying. Yes, Ebonics Barbie, I'm looking at you. Max doesn't think much of Jo-Jo's idea. She worries he might end up "in a zoo, that is if [they] don't kill [him] first." Jo-Jo counters that on Halloween, the "Up Here" people look like him, so what's the big deal? "Man's gotta point," Ebonics Barbie chimes in. "Halloween the one night he kin git his swerve on." God, she's annoying. Jo-Jo, however, is delighted that Ebonics Barbie has taken his side. Max shoots them both down. She insists she has Jo-Jo's best interests at heart, and orders him to remain indoors. Jo-Jo's about to cry in disappointment, but agrees. He picks up a leather-bound volume and flops into a tatty armchair. "Read Father's books," he says. "Little Women. Woo-hoo!" he adds, wiggling the novel around. Snerk. Ebonics Barbie looks sickened and repulsed. Max looks snide and triumphant. She tosses Jo-Jo a Twinkie. "I brought you those snack cakes you like." Jo-Jo catches it, gives her -- well, a puppy-dog look, and silently returns to his Alcott. I'd call Max a bitch, but I fear the slur would be misinterpreted given the current context.
Cut to the exterior of a low-rise building that seems close to toppling over. Inside, presumably on one of the upper floors, Max pours a pan of water into a bubble bath. Ebonics Barbie stands in the doorway, arms crossed. She can't get her mind off of "poor Joshua all alone in his crib while the rest of the world is havin' a par. Tay." Shut up, Ebonics Barbie. Max brushes past her into the kitchen to lift a boiling kettle from the gas stove. I thought she was going to brew some chamomile to enjoy in the tub, but no. She crosses back into the bathroom to add the boiling water to the bath. She lives in a cold water flat? In what appears to be a condemned building? Why? Ebonics Barbie tries to convince Max to show Jo-Jo a night on the town, to no avail. Max mocks, "'Hey, gang. Say hi to Joshua, my transgenic, mutant friend,'" in a tone of voice so Joey Potter that I want to reach into the television and yank her lank, greasy hair out by the roots. Max insists that Jo-Jo is better off at home, where no one can ask awkward questions or "make judgments." Ebonics Barbie calls her on this. "Judgments about who? Him or you?" Busted, Max whines, "Look. All I want to be is a nice, normal girl." Sorry to break it to you, honey, but nice, normal girls aren't engineered in secret government laboratories. Ebonics Barbie, Sassy Black Lesbian that she is, snarks, "Whatever 'normal' means." Max rolls her eyes and flashes her right breast as she turns to disrobe and enter the tub.
There's a jump cut before the robe even leaves her shoulders to Max sinking back against the wall of the tub, bubbles modestly covering her most prominent assets. The camera pans back from her face. There are two dissolves to Max in progressively more slumped positions to indicate the passage of time and loss of consciousness. The bubbles do not disperse from the surface of the water. At all. Presently, Ebonics Barbie enters dressed as Rick James, circa 1983. No comment. She crosses to Max's side, squats, and says, "Wake up, Boo." Max blinks her eyes, denying she ever was asleep. "Your boy's here," Ebonics Barbie continues. Max rolls her eyes and moves to rise. Cut to Max slipping into shoes in her bedroom. She enters the living room to find Rafer waiting patiently for her. He wonders where her costume is. Max doesn't "do" Halloween. Shut up, Max. Rafer reveals that he's dressed as "a genetically-engineered killing machine escaped from a government lab." He pulls a doofy "how about that?" grimace and head nod, then turns to show Max the bar code he's affixed to the nape of his neck. Max looks vacant. Or deeply troubled and concerned she's been found out. You decide. "What?" Rafer asks, noticing that Max is not as suitably impressed as he believed she'd be. "Don't you read the tabloids?" Now, the first time I saw this scene, I just thought to myself, "That poor thing with all the collagen in her face. She just can't catch a break, can she?" I trust the regular viewers were not as dimwitted as I. Max shakes off her distraction and tells him she thought they were to meet at the club. He confesses he has a dorkish request. His mother would like to meet her before the party. Does Max mind? Max doesn't.
Smash cut to Rafer's mom's house. Rafer's mom is dressed like a carnival side-show fortune teller, yet I steadfastly refuse to call her anything resembling "Madame Zuna." We get a slightly-distorted Max POV of Mother's face. The crow's feet run deep, and her lips stretch out to display a frightening array of teeth as she overenunciates Max's name. Mother will be using those teeth to consume the set during much of what follows. She drags Max over to a table in the parlor to read Max's fortune. Yes, there's a crystal ball at the center. I suppose clichés involving tarot cards were too difficult for the writing staff to master even after the recent onslaught of Miss Cleo commercials. Max reluctantly agrees to the reading. The camera angles are skewed throughout this scene, and Mother is lit in so unflattering a manner that she resembles one of Joss Whedon's vampires. Mother's revelations from her crystal ball are as follows:
Max has no name.
Max has a number.
Max has secrets.
Max is not what she seems.
Max is running from her past.
Max is surrounded by danger.
Max's silicone implants will one night rise up as one to smother her in her sleep.
Okay, not so much the last one, but I hope you got all that, because I spent less time typing it than Mother did EMOTING! it. Rafer pulls his distraught mother out of the room with such force that her dentures remain embedded in a wall sconce. The first time I saw this scene, I thought to myself, "Christ, is the show's aesthetic always this overwrought? How in the hell did it ever attract an audience? This doesn't even rate as camp. Who watches this garbage?" Again, I trust the regular viewers had far better judgment than I. Max mumbles something about a "great first impression" to herself before catching sight of a Jo-Jo-shaped shadow cast on the window. She dashes over and parts the curtains to find Jo-Jo peering back at her from the street. He urgently requests her presence at the scene of an incident down the block. She makes hasty excuses to Rafer, then heads outside. Mother wails frailly from the kitchen.
Once on the street, Max snottily demands to know why Jo-Jo disobeyed her, leaving his Alcott to follow her to Rafer's. "Salley" is the reply. "Salley who?" Max asks. Jo-Jo points to the body of a black-clad gentleman on the asphalt. His torso and pelvis face the ground, but his head has been twisted 180 degrees to stare up at the sky. Max regards Salley for a moment, then wonders if he's dead. Salley pushes his torso up so his head can exclaim, "Do I look like I'm dead?" Well, duh. Yeah. And your "acting" isn't exactly helping matters. Max and Jo-Jo kneel at Salley's side as Salley gets frisky with the exposition. He's a Manticore product, of course, engineered with cartilage in place of bone, the better to avoid fractures on the battlefield. I squish the tip of my nose around to test if this is feasible, then decide it's not worth the effort. The problem with his design is that Salley tends to twist into undesirable contortions, much as he has now. Max proposes she "immobilize [Salley's] upper body" while Jo-Jo spins the guy's head back into place. They flip him over into a sitting position on the street. "Put your back into it, Dogbreath," Salley sneers. "I haven't got all night." Max counts to three, and Jo-Jo tugs on Salley's head. The head detaches neatly in Jo-Jo's hands. There is no spurting of blood, no jagged strips of flesh and gore at the neck, no protruding bones dripping marrow and spinal fluid. Simply a clean, surgical bisection of head from body. The head is most displeased. "Now look what you did," it snarls. Max's jaw drops into the commercial break, and it was at this point in the evening that I simply gave up trying to make sense of the purported appeal of this program. This show sucks.
Max's first words after the commercial break are, "This can't be happening." I pause to indulge in a meta-moment. Salley's head mumbles something approximating, "What's the matter? You've never seen a soldier with body parts that are self-sustaining and regenerative?" Given her reaction, my guess would be no, Smarm Boy. And riddle me this: If you're really so damn regenerative, why aren't you sprouting a new body? By the way, they're superimposing the actor's face on a prop head to create the illusion of an animate victim of decapitation, and the effect is as cheap as it sounds. It becomes even more jarringly awful when it's juxtaposed later with shots of the actor himself reciting his lines from the depths of a bolt of blue fabric, but we'll get to that in a minute. Jo-Jo flips the head upside down, and for a moment I thought he was going to start licking the neck stump. Salley boasts he can "take a direct mortar hit and shake it off." On cue, vagrant rug rats set off a series of fireworks nearby. The head screams, "Incoming!" The body leaps to its feet and disappears down the block. Jo-Jo flips the head over to Max and takes off after the Headless Jackass. Salley tells Max there's nothing he can do about the Headless Jackass, as it "has a mind of its own." Yeah? So, where the hell are its eyes so it knows not to ram itself into a wall? And don't tell me it bounces sound waves off surrounding objects. I understand that Manticore is eminently capable of creating some bizarre variations on human life, but a body that directs its movements using bat-like sonar? Try again, Jimmy.
Jo-Jo returns, Jackassless. The body moves too quickly for others to capture it. Rafer chooses this moment to interrupt the bickering. Max surreptitiously passes the head to Jo-Jo, who hides it behind his back. The hijinks. They are so wacky. Max thinks fast and asks Rafer if they could use his car to run an errand. He readily agrees, so eager is he to get back into her pants. Rafer disappears to fetch his van while the others walk down the street to a pay phone. Salley wants to call in some transgenic "reinforcements." The scene cuts to Max darting into the front passenger seat to Rafer. Jo-Jo, evidently, drew phone duty. Max, faking small talk, asks Rafer a series of leading questions about his work as a paramedic. He would know what to do in the event of a decapitation, wouldn't he? There's nothing to do in the event of a decapitation, he tells her. Once a head pops off, it stays off. Max makes a fretful noise as the scene cuts over to Jo-Jo and the head at a phone. Jo-Jo's managed to get through to one of Salley's contacts. There's a bit of slapstick awkwardness as Jo-Jo attempts to place the phone correctly against the head; then we shift into that split-screen effect Kim finds so irritating. As a matter of fact, so do I. The woman on the other end is meant to be a human-feline cross, but really. They could have done so much better with the makeup. She looks nothing like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Kitten With A Whip correctly and lasciviously guesses Salley's "business end" has run off again. I believe Salley proceeded to make a cunnilingus joke, but I was far too disgusted by his slurping, wagging tongue to listen to what was actually said. Salley tells Kitten to conference in her "lizard buddy," as the three need to "strategize." The Salley/Kitten split screen wipes out of frame to the right as an image of a bleeping phone wipes in from the left. Lizard Boy punches the speaker option to connect. Salley fills him in on the details, but Lizardo begs off. He and his "life partner" plan to attend a costume party. Don't get me started. There's nattering about Lizardo landing "Chad" a mere three months after they escaped from the laboratory before Salley orders Lizardo to ditch the boyfriend for the evening to meet them. The screen keeps doing these irritating wipes from top to bottom and side to side as each of the three jump in with their lines and I want to fly to Los Angeles to smack the editor in the teeth. The conference call finally grinds to a halt. Jo-Jo mumbles something indistinguishable into the phone and hangs up.
Rafer's van. He asks if he's headed in the right direction. Jo-Jo leans over from the passenger seat to twist the steering wheel to the right. Salley, hidden beneath a leather jacket in the back with Max, snarks something about being glad he's lacking a stomach at the moment. Max hisses at him to zip it. Rafer asks Jo-Jo if he's supposed to be a Wookiee or something. How depressing. Not even a Cameron-induced apocalypse can kill off the goddamn Star Wars movies. Jo-Jo states simply, "First." Rafer whuhs at that before Max leaps in to cover for Jo-Jo, explaining he meant his outfit won first prize in a contest. She then shovels more manure onto the pile by adding that Jo-Jo here is a foreign exchange student. Rafer politely inquires as to Jo-Jo's nationality. "Father," Jo-Jo grunts, leading Max to elaborate with "Fatherland." Rafer guesses Germany. The others nod their heads vigorously. Salley snits, "This is gonna be a long night," and I am forced to concur. The lie expands to incorporate their current mission. They tell Rafer they're on a scavenger hunt, a supposed Halloween tradition in Germany. Rafer's game, and asks where they need to go. Jo-Jo spots something off to the right and twists the wheel again, instructing Rafer to pull over to the curb immediately. The two men jump out to head into a diner called "Kugel's Kafé." Max claims that her foot fell asleep, but she'll meet them inside in a minute or so. Once Rafer's out of the scene, she orders Salley to keep his mouth shut and stuffs the head into a blue pillowcase.
At a table in the diner, Lizardo sprinkles salt into his coffee while Kitten laps cream out of a saucer. Way to come in under the radar, kids. Rafer raises an eyebrow at their behavior, but shrugs it off to compliment them on their "costumes." Lizardo's wearing combat fatigues, by the way, with a football helmet on his head. He says he's a "wide receiver." Shut up, Lizardo. Kitten's dressed like a slut and regards Rafer as if he's the canary on her list. Max enters with the head-laden pillowcase and makes fast and furious with the cover story. Kitten and Lizardo are fellow Teutonic participants in the scavenger hunt named Katarina and Dieter. Shut up, Max. A waitress ambles over to take their order. The evening's special is haggis with fries and cole slaw. Max doesn't know what haggis is. The waitress defines it as "heart, liver, lung of a sheep, minced with suet, onions, and oatmeal, boiled in the animal's stomach." The transgenic mutants salivate and order the special. Rafer, nauseated, orders water and heads to the restroom. As soon as he's out of earshot, Max tells Kitten and Lizardo to stick to the cover story or risk an ass-kicking. She then bends to address the head in the bag on the floor, asking Salley if he has any idea where the Headless Jackass might be. This would be where they switch from the prop head with the superimposed image to the actual actor. They've tucked blue fabric into his collar, and Jessica Alba's body double pulls the cloth up and away from his face so he can recite his lines into the camera. Salley's plans prior to their derailment by decapitation included retrieving a package at the Jam Pony messenger service and meeting a redheaded hooker. Max is most dismayed to hear about the Jam Pony segment of Salley's itinerary. Jessica Alba's body double whips the cloth back around the head, and Max rises from her chair, telling the others they have to leave now. Jo-Jo is so very sad: "Before haggis?" I smile, against my better judgment. Max spots a be-kilted Normal lurking in a nearby booth and collapses back into her seat in anguish. Normal slimes his way over and introduces himself to Kitten, kissing her proffered hand as he does so. Then he sneezes. He's allergic to cats, you see. Rafer returns from the restroom as Salley whines from beneath the table. Max attempts to pass the whining off as Lizardo's talent for throwing his voice. Normal gazes at her suspiciously. Max suddenly announces that it's time to go, and the five bolt for the door. Normal watches them exit, then sneezes again.
Jam Pony Regional Headquarters. Inside his van, Rafer wonders what item on the list they plan to find at Max's place of employment. In unison, Max and Jo-Jo splutter "Ming vase" and "saxophone," respectively. Max lames something about royal Chinese saxophones before she exits the van with Jo-Jo and Kitten. Lizardo lingers. "You remind me of my friend, Chad," Lizardo leers, resting his hand on the back of Rafer's seat. Can it, Lizardo. Jesus.
Max, Kitten, and Jo-Jo scamper into the Jam Pony mail center and oh, God. Max asks the Head In A Bag, "How big is your package?" Head In A Bag replies, "Let's just say I've never had any complaints." Of course. Of course he would say that. This is a James Cameron production, after all. Scumbag. Max dumps Head In A Bag on the floor and joins the other two in sorting through piles of mail. Where are their latex gloves? Actually, now that I think about it, Max should wear latex gloves when she handles Head In A Bag. I'm certain he's a greater contagion than anything at Jam Pony. The three freeze in surprise when Normal walks through the front door followed by a set of anonymous lackeys. Max, Kitten, and Jo-Jo dive beneath the counter as Normal announces that he has confirmation of transgenic mutants stomping through the streets of Seattle. He passes around photographs of Kitten, Lizardo, and Jo-Jo. He also notes that while he was tracking the transgenics at Kugel's, the Headless Jackass broke into Jam Pony and stole some mail. The briefing ends when Normal starts sneezing. "Is there a cat in here?" he asks as Kitten and Max exchange terrified looks beneath the counter. Max whips her head around in fear as we cut to commercial.
Back from the break, one of the anonymous lackeys asks, "Excuse me, sir, but this package the headless mutant absconded with -- do we know what was in it?" Normal hasn't a clue, but the "vermin" dropped a slip of paper that reads, "Meet at the coordinates at 10 PM." He distributes baseball bats so the lackeys can beat the Headless Jackass "into a transgenic paste" once they've found him. Before the lackeys disperse into the night, Normal announces that cake and ice cream await them on the second floor. "An army marches on its stomach!" he barks, and they all head for the stairs. Under the counter, Jessica Alba's body double unwraps Head In A Bag. Max eventually manages to get Head In A Bag to remember that he was to meet the redheaded hooker at Crash. "Oh, this just gets better and better," Max seethes sarcastically. I wonder if truer words were ever spoken.
Crash. Max clomps down the stairs with the mutants and Rafer. She quickly gets Rafer out of her hair by sending him to the bar for a beer. She directs the mutants to various corners to search for the Headless Jackass, then spies Ebonics Barbie perched on a stool. Max crosses to her with Head In A Bag. The body double unwraps the head for Ebonics Barbie's delectation. Head In A Bag calls her "Brown Sugar." Ebonics Barbie responds with "Sweet Baby Jesus." I vomit. Max drops Head In A Bag into Ebonics Barbie's lap and beelines to a table off to the side. She thinks she sees Logan and Asha swapping spit, but when the couple breaks apart at her intrusion, she discovers that the two are mere Logan and Asha look-alikes. She asks them if they've seen the Headless Jackass. They direct her to the back room. She enters the back room with Jo-Jo to find the Headless Jackass getting fresh with Lucy Ricardo. Jo-Jo growls, for Lucy is Ricky's woman. The Headless Jackass swipes up an assault rifle and bolts. Max and Jo-Jo give chase, but run right into Rafer and Sketchy. Max and Jo-Jo push past them to watch the Headless Jackass disappearing through the club's front door. Ebonics Barbie, meanwhile, has been getting busy with Kitten With A Whip. Max pouts.
Jam Pony. Normal receives a radio call on his wristwatch from an enforcer. The enforcer turns out to be none other than Sketchy. Through his own wristwatch, Sketchy tells Normal that the Headless Jackass just left Crash with a rifle. Normal guesses that the purloined package contained the weapon. Relatively straightforward, despite the annoying Dick Tracy reference, right? Wrong. The conversation was unnecessarily expanded by the addition of "roger" and "over" "humor" that was stale by the second time I saw Airplane! when I was ten. Example:
Normal: Roger. This is Alpha leader. Over.
Sketchy: This isn't Roger. This is Sketchy.
Normal: "Roger" is an acknowledgment in the affirmative, not some person's name, moron. And how many times have I told you to say "over"? Over.
Sketchy: Acknowledged. Over-over.
I hate this show.
The Headless Jackass roars down the street on a scooter. Rafer and the gang follow in his EMT van, sirens blaring. Rafer mutters darkly about chasing the Headless Jackass to no apparent end. The others claim that the assault rifle is on the scavenger hunt list. Rafer goes, "The hell?" "German rules" is the only reassurance he receives. Just then, the engine dies due to lack of gas, and the Headless Jackass speeds away.
Lizardo and Jo-Jo push the van into a gas station. Rafer pops out of the cab to fill the tank. Once he's gone, Max pulls the head from the bag and tosses it onto a seat to give it the third degree, and we're back to the superimposed face effect. How does she get this reluctant witness to answer her questions? By clamping a hand over his mouth while squeezing his nostrils shut. Despite the fact that his trachea no longer leads to lungs. It works, though. I guess the head has tiny little lungs back around its ears near its tiny little heart, tiny little stomach, and tiny little liver. My liver, however, has ballooned from the booze this episode has forced me to consume thus far. Anyway, Salley confesses. He's the hit man Logan and Asha were discussing in the pre-credits sequence. Manticore sent him. Max claims that that's impossible, as Manticore has been destroyed. Salley lets slip that "Pierpont Lempkin" sent him. Max find this intriguing for some reason. Lizardo, meanwhile, has been amusing himself with pure oxygen. Kitten asks the question I've had ever since the Headless Jackass first ran off: How can Salley's body complete a Manticore mission without its head? The unsatisfying answer? "Muscle memory." Gah. Before Max can learn the target of the hit, Rafer reappears. Salley again becomes Head In A Bag. Max orders Rafer to drive them all to Logan's. Hearing the ex-boyfriend's name raises Rafer's hackles, but he acquiesces reluctantly.
Casa Logan. Asha, Rafer, and the transgenic mutants play a round of charades. Jo-Jo correctly guesses that Asha is portraying Little Women, which earns him a hug from Kitten. Over at the command center, Logan fixes his glazed eyes on a computer screen while Max fills him in on Head In A Bag, who rests on the desk to Logan. As Rafer and Lizardo enact something involving a wheelchair, Logan receives a call from his unseen "informant," who tells Logan that the hit man's intended victim is "either a priest, a minister, or a rabbi." Max doesn't appreciate the joke. It's no joke, Logan tells her. "Father McAllister, Reverend Beckwith, and Rabbi Stutz are outspoken religious leaders with a lot of clout in the community. Any one of them could have tangled with Lempkin and bought themselves this hit." Max escorts Head In A Bag to the bathroom to get him to talk.
Bathroom. I believe that for this sequence they're using an actual model of the actor's head, but I am so beyond caring at this point. Max gives the head a swirlie in the toilet. The head spits toilet water into her face in response. See why I'm beyond caring? Rafer barges in on them without so much as a by your leave and asks Max what she thinks she's doing. Salley chooses this moment to confess that the priest is the target of the hit. Rafer goggles. Max attempts to explain it away as a "battery-operated, voice-activated, fully-articulated animatronic head." Rafer freaks and flees the bathroom as Max wads a washcloth into Salley's mouth and dumps him in the sink. Out in the living room, Rafer loses his shit about the talking head, quickly determines that the transgenic mutants are, in fact, transgenic mutants, and is knocked unconscious by Max. Max orders Logan to "entertain" Rafer while she and the mutants track down the Headless Jackass. I shudder to think what the "entertaining" involves.
Cut to a pointless slow-motion shot of Max, Head In A Bag, Jo-Jo, Lizardo, and Kitten striding down a smoky, back-lit corridor. Well, Head In A Bag isn't striding so much as being carried by Max, but whatever. Max exposits that Father McAllister is to receive a humanitarian award that weekend. Tonight, they're conducting a dress rehearsal. Because there will be minimal security at the rehearsal, it's the perfect opportunity for a contracted murder. Max tells them they need to spread out to search the building, and suggests Jo-Jo take the basement. Jo-Jo objects, as he's spent more than enough time in basements during his life, so Max snots at him to take the roof instead, then. She sends Lizardo downstairs and Kitten backstage while she herself plans to canvass the catwalks. Kitten objects, insisting that she -- all together now -- is better suited for catwalk duty. Rrrgh. Max tells her to shut it and do as she says. Jo-Jo leans into Lizardo to define this exchange as a "catfight." Who do I have to blow to get this show canceled? Cameron? 'Cause I'll do it. The four with legs disperse. Max enters the stage area of the auditorium and slings Head In A Bag onto a table covered with colored gels. She spots a shadow flitting across the walls high above the orchestra. She grabs onto a rope, kicks away the peg mooring it to a railing, and the counterweight drops. She rides the rope up to catwalk level. The Headless Jackass greets her by pointing the assault weapon at her face. Because even though he has no eyes, he knows exactly where to aim the gun. Forget blowing Cameron. I'm just going to fly to Los Angeles, and after I pimp-slap the editor for the split-screen annoyance from earlier in the evening, I'm going to firebomb the production offices. "Uh-oh," Max drones. Commercial.
Up on the catwalk, Max and the Headless Jackass tussle. You'd think a blind body would be easy to defeat, wouldn't you? And you'd be wrong. While she does manage momentarily to knock the rifle out of the Jackass's hands, he eventually slams Max into a cinderblock wall with such force, she slumps to the floor in a daze. The Headless Jackass scoops up the rifle and flees as Father McAllister and company enter from stage right below. Salley has managed to squirm his way out of the bag during all of this, and he spits the washcloth out of his mouth. Father McAllister has one of those phony Gaelic accents you'll find in Irish Spring commercials, and for that alone the Headless Jackass should off him. He can't get a clear shot, though, because of all the rigging above the stage. Salley calls out to the priest to draw him downstage so the Headless Jackass can get the man in his non-existent sights. Max snaps out of her daze in time to leap upon the railing, grab onto another rope, and swing across the void to the Headless Jackass, whom she boots in the chest. The transgenic trio hustles the priest from the stage as Max kicks the Headless Jackass in the groin. Salley winces in what I'm interpreting as empathic pain. Max takes the advantage and pushes the Headless Jackass backwards over the railing. He drops about three stories to the stage.
Aftermath. Lizardo and Kitten attempt to reattach Salley's head to his body as Father McAllister tries to wrap his own head around Max's explanation for the hijinks. She tells him it was a fraternity-initiation Halloween prank, addressing the priest as "Your Worship" and terming the prank a "pagan ritual." McAllister thanks her for "putting a stop to his heathen plan." It gets so much worse. Dear God. Logan and Asha enter to steal Max's thunder. They address McAllister as "Your Godliness" and reveal themselves to be "Eyes Only" and "the Supreme Commandant of S1W." Logan and Asha ask the priest to perform their marriage ceremony. McAllister agrees. Max rolls her eyes. Shut it, bitch. That's my job. Normal and Sketchy barrel in with "constables" -- Normal's choice of words, not mine. "Pardon the interruption, Your Significance," states Sketchy, "but these people are monsters." A couple of cops arrest Lizardo, Kitten, and the recapitated Salley. Another officer handcuffs Jo-Jo. Max protests Jo-Jo's innocence until the arresting officer asks her if she's "one of them." Crisis of conscience, New Testament-style. Feel free to be offended any time you wish. There's an endless pause filled with reaction shots of Kitten, Rafer, Logan, Jo-Jo, and Asha before Max finally murmurs, "No. No, I'm not one of them." I wait for the earth to open up beneath her feet to suck her down into Hell and am sorely disappointed when this does not come to pass. Jo-Jo The Forsaken is led away in chains. The camera pulls in far too close to Max's face as she narrates in voice-over, "All I wanted was a normal night out, but I guess for a girl like me, normal is too much to ask." Just as the gravitational vortex generated by her enormous lips threatens to suck the camera into a black hole, it manages to escape, pulling back out to reveal Max sitting forlornly on the charred Space Needle.
Max greets Ebonics Barbie's entrance with bland surprise. Ebonics Barbie sits herself down to spread it on thick with the guilt. Jo-Jo's going to spend the rest of his life in a cage, and it's all Max's fault. The scene abruptly cuts to sepia-toned replays of Jo-Jo longing to join the Halloween fun, Max denying him the opportunity, and Ebonics Barbie asking Max what crawled up her ass and exploded that afternoon, followed by an equally abrupt cut back to Barbie's shocked face. "What the hell was that?" "Flashback," Max tells her. "It happens all the time." I bet you all can guess how Ebonics Barbie responds. "I thought I was trippin'." Give yourselves a cookie. Max calls her evening "a nightmare." Ebonics Barbie agrees, but notes that the worst part of the evening wasn't the Headless Jackass or the haggis or even Jo-Jo with the "po-pos." It was Max denying who she is. "Sugar, that is the worst thing you could have done. That is the worst thing that can happen." One to grow on. Cow. Ebonics Barbie does have a question, though. What happened to Max's clothes? What indeed. Max, who'd been clad in a leather jacket and slacks up until now, looks down to realize she's sitting on the charred Space Needle naked. That can't be good for her ass.
The camera pans up into the sky, and the shot presently morphs into a pan up the side of Max's bathtub. Ebonics Barbie wakes her up for real this time. You have no idea how vast and overwhelming my rage is at the moment. Forget pimp-slapping the editor and firebombing the production offices. I will hunt down each and every person responsible for this episode and rend their flesh from their bones with my bare hands. Ebonics Barbie notes that Max's "boy Rafer is waitin' on [her] ass." Max tells Ebonics Barbie to send Rafer on his way. She suddenly has other plans for the evening.
Jo-Jo's House Of Used Books And Crack. Jo-Jo has fallen asleep in front of the fire with Little Women on his chest. Max enters softly to wake him. Long story (dear Lord, how long this story has already been) short, Max understands the error of her ways, and seeks to repent. She invites Jo-Jo out for the evening. Jo-Jo is like a giddy little six-year-old, what with the glee and all. Down on the street, Jo-Jo clutches his little trick-or-treat bag to his chest, gazing with awe at the swarming hordes of costumed brats. Max smiles and takes his hand in hers. The two stride down the street, past an enormous neon jack-o-lantern on a wall, as the crane shot pulls back to take in the silhouette of the Space Needle against the full moon, and we finally fade to black.
I can't believe anyone would want to continue watching this show after tonight, but for the masochists amongst you, week's episode features Jo-Jo Da Dawggy-Dawg-Faced Boy gittin' all medieval on some po-po's shiz-nit. Insert head bob, finger snap, and "Girlfriend!" here. I suppose his outburst is the result of too many Snickers and Pixy Stix. Back over to you, Kim. And God help you.