Once upon a time in the not-so-distant future, people had to wait on line for gas. Because in 2019, Jimmy Carter has been re-elected president. Unfortunately, all those years with Habitat for Humanity have not helped him with a national housing policy, because it looks like the set was built by "The Borrowers." Anyway. Sketchy and Max are waiting on line for gas. And as Sketch's pasty face and greasy hair appear on the screen, I realize that I haven't seen him in a while. And for this I would like to thank the writers. Thank you, writers, for heeding my hand-wringing and tear-filled pleas, and for noting my prayers made prostrate before the television. Thank you, writers, for doing away, however temporarily, with the Jam Pony subplots. So, for now, in gratitude, I will dutifully transcribe the idiocy gushing out of Sketchy's mush mouth.
As noted above, Max and Sketch are standing on line waiting for gas. Sketch opines that they're going to run out of gas before he gets there. He sighs and mentions that he really needs new shoes. Max rolls her eyes and points out that the line is for, you know, gas, not shoes. Sketchy says he realizes that, but some guy promised him a pair of bike tires if he scored a couple of gallons of gas. Max looks confused. Or constipated. Or, uh, something. And says that she thought Sketchy needed shoes, not bike tires. Sketchy agrees that he doesn't need bike tires, but Herbal does. Max says, oh, and Herbal has shoes? Oh, no, Sketchy says, that would make this conversation relatively short and not nearly painful enough to suffice as penance for the uppity girl who recaps the show. So Herbal doesn't actually need tires; he needs a waffle iron for his lady. Original Cindy needs tires. Ah, so OC has a waffle iron? No, Normal has a waffle iron. Which he's going to swap with OC for some lingerie. Then OC will trade the waffle iron with Herbal for the tires. And then through these machinations somehow Sketchy is getting his shoes. But, I must say, I listened to this damn conversation twice and I still have no idea how shoes play into it. Who has the shoes? Where does…oh, forget it. Why do I do this to myself? It's just not worth the synapse use. So Max mulls these systemics over, then looks up with eyebrows akimbo indicating confusion and asks, what does Normal want with lingerie? Sketch shakes his head and says that he is a businessman, he doesn't ask questions. The truck that he and Max are sitting on drives off, and Sketch sighs wistfully and asks the universe at large, don't you just wish you could get away for a few days? It's called Calgon, Sketch. And it's got to be just as easy to get as new shoes. And, really, just between us, you could use the bath. It looks like the Exxon Valdez crashed and washed up on your hairline. Max, who is busy gloating that she's getting out of town for a few days, won't tell you, but I will. Take a bath, Sketch.
Cap'n is calling his super friend Detective Matt. Detective Matt is still talking to the Cap'n? Even after that unfortunate jumper-cable interlude? Detective Matt must be really well paid for his "friendship." Cap'n EO is digging for information about some protestors that disappeared when the city government imposed martial law after the Pulse. I hate that word "martial," because it reminds me of being in a spelling bee in sixth grade that was being broadcast over the airways, because, hey, who doesn't like to listen to a good spelling bee every now and then? So the spelling bee was on and I was in the final round, because I was a spelling machine in sixth grade, and anyway, my turn came up and the word I was told to spell was "martial." But the clue was "the music was very martial" -- a clue which, even today, I do not understand. I mean, martial arts, even martial law, but martial music? So,= I said that the correct spelling was "marshal," because, why not? They're homonyms. Anyway, I was obviously wrong, and now I harbor a hatred towards all things "martial," or "marshal." So, uh, back to the show, where Detective Matt says that he thinks the martial law protestors were…disappeared…by the, uh, police? Detective Matt is paid for these highly educated opinions? Detective Matt is obviously still bitter about the jumper cables. Cap'n EO says that he may be able to prove that theory. I mean, the theory about the police death squad. Not the theory about the jumper cables. He has a lead on a cop who may have been there and is now hiding out in a small town on the coast. Can Detective Matt get him some sector passes to go see the guy? Oh no, says Detective Matt, there ain't no way I am enabling any of your do-gooder schemes that could possibly end up with me getting hooked up to jumper cables again. You could hock all the Norman Rockwell paintings in your whole fugly painting collection and you still couldn't pay me enough. Besides, the sector police have really tightened the borders. Nobody's getting passes. Well, till time then, Detective Matt. Oh sure, Logan, really happy to help. Cap'n EO hangs up the phone, disappointed. He doesn't notice Max standing there at all until she wallops him with the gas canister. He looks grumpy and asks her where she's heading off to. She looks grumpy and says that "they" are heading somewhere, doesn't he remember? They talked about it last week? Fresh air? Dizzying heights? Hiking in the Cascades? She whacks him with the gas can again. Um, ow, stop that, Cap'n EO says. And, if you didn't notice, things have changed since last week. He rolls over her toes for emphasis and points out that, unless she is planning on rolling him off Mt. Rainier, the hiking trip is off. Max sighs and says, okay, okay, forget the dizzying heights. What about the country air, though? Campfires? S'mores? Cap'n EO says that he has work to do and, besides, she isn't leaving town without sector passes. That last one causes Max to launch into a hissyfit about hanging upside down outside of police HQ for an hour, and something about horking and how much she hates horking. And, not to point out the bleeding obvious or anything, but hasn't Max been out of town without sector passes almost every freaking episode? I'm just saying. When Cap'n EO sees the sector passes, he pops a wheelie and packs his bag. But not because he suddenly wants to vacation, oh no -- he wants to visit a certain former police officer.
Oh, hello, creepy credits.
Max and the Cap'n are driving around in the Aztek, and Max is pointing out that the Cap'n's uncle's cabin was about a mile back. The Cap'n is all, oh, didn't I mention that my uncle's cabin is being fumigated and is all tented up? Max counters that they can just un-tent it. You mean stay in a house that was just fumigated? Max, honey, is that your problem? Have you inhaled just too many noxious gases? Has it stunted your nerve endings and made you incapable of changing facial expressions? I guess that makes sense. The Cap'n says that it's, uh, rented, too. But he knows of this great resort town called Cape Haven and he has a cabin there. Max says whatever is fine, as long as she gets her s'mores.
They pull up to the town gates and are greeted by men with guns. Cap'n rolls down his window, and the men ask what their business is in the town. Max asks to see their badges. Oh, say the men, we don't have badges, we just have really big guns, isn't that just as good? Uh, sure. Max and Logan roll through the gates, and Max cracks some Lake Wobegon-style joke about Cape Haven where the men are armed and the tourists are scared. Woo! That Max, what a hoot! Damn near fell out of my chair laughing. And, just for the record, Garrison Keillor isn't funny either. As they drive towards the cabin, the Cap'n decides to give Max a little lecture on post-Pulse economics and the impact of high unemployment on social interaction in low-income demographics. Max looks really interested as the Cap'n goes on and on about the continued need for the town's exclusionary practices, in order to maintain the traditional division between the means of production and consumption that divide rural and urban communities.
They finally pull up at the house and are greeted by the town's doctor, Trudy, who owns the house, and her creepy nephew, Sage. She gives them the tour: here's the gas stove, here's the gas hot-water heater, here's the cutting stump. I'll have a carpenter put a ramp in tomorrow morning. You know, my aunt's in a wheelchair and whenever we travel anywhere, we ask about accessibility before we get there, not after. The tour continues, and Max and the Cap'n stumble all over each other's words trying to find out where the guest bedroom is. 'Cause he snores. She snores. 'Cause this is not a romantic vacation. So get your mind out of the gutter. The Cap'n asks about a phone, and Max looks suspicious. As soon as the doctor and Creepy Kid split, Max corners him. What do you need a phone for, huh? Need Number Two to feed a cat you don't have? The Cap'n admits that there's a source in town that he needs to speak to. Max gets pissy and says that it was supposed to be a vacation, and if she had known that it was going to be an Eyes Only wilderness retreat, she wouldn't have come. Hey, José! That "Eyes Only wilderness retreat" line wasn't half bad. Max says that if he can't rest while there are restless souls to avenge, she certainly can, and she is just going to kick back and eat s'mores. All right, enough with the freaking s'mores. You can make s'mores at home. You don't need a campfire -- just a can of Sterno! Or, hell, a pilot light! I know! I've done it! People eat s'mores in restaurants! I've seen them! Enough with the freaking s'mores!
The Cap'n rolls off in a huff, and Max tells him not to hurry back. He snarks back, have fun with your s'mores! She says she will try, even though she'll be wracked with guilt because she doesn't have enough to share with every person on the planet. The Cap'n continues his rolling huff out the door, and Max heads out the back to chop wood. 'Cause she's tough like that, yo. Oh wait, my mom chops wood. And she's not tough like that at all. As Max chops, she gets hit with a seizure. She drops the wood and runs inside to take her tryptophan. She's twitching on the floor when Creepy Kid comes in with bed linens. He drops the linens and offers to run and get his aunt, who's a doctor. Max says no, she'll be fine in a minute. The Creepy Kid drops to the floor to help pick up the spilled pills. Oh, he says, tryptophan, like in milk. Max asks him how he knows that, and he answers that his aunt is a doctor and she tells him stuff. This is a fascinating conversation. Anyway, he and Max start talking about scary dreams, and it seems that they have the same dream about being chased, and isn't that weird? And they both have secrets, too. Whoa. If by "whoa" you mean "yawn."
Cap'n EO finds his source, but, strangely enough, when the Cap'n corners him in his place of business and announces to the room at large that he knows who he is and what he did, the Source won't talk to him. Huh. I wonder why?
Max decides to take Creepy Kid to the local bar for a drink. I hope Max isn't one of those X5s that can reproduce, because there could be a problem. They're sitting at the counter and Max is drinking cold pints…of milk. And she didn't even offer one to Creepy Kid. Nice. The bartender, who looks like AJ from the Backstreet Boys' illegitimate half-brother, points out that Max sure likes her milk. Wow, did he earn his SAG card for that? That's some fine acting. Max looks at Creepy Kid and smiles, saying that milk does a body good. Then they laugh. Hoo! What product placement. Some local yokels try to move in on Creepy Kid's action and buy Max a glass of milk. Max is having none of it and heads to the pool table, but, like a smart girl, she grabs her free drink before she splits. Just remember, girls, whatever the question, the correct answer is "No, but you can buy me a drink." There's no rule saying you have to sit and sip with whatever sleazebag paid for the drink; just take the free drink and go play pool. Words to live by. As Max and Creepy Kid play pool, Cap'n EO rolls in. His Source, surprisingly, didn't pan out, so he's come to relax. Max beats Creepy Kid, and for some reason he thanks her for not treating him like a kid and letting him win. Um, Creepy Kid? Max would never let anyone win; she is way too egomaniacal for that. Cap'n EO and Max launch into a friendly game of pool. If by "friendly" you mean "super-competitive, laden with hidden meaning, and fraught with sexual tension." The yokels sit back and comment on Max's, um, assets, but she chooses to ignore them. The Cap'n, however, can't stand the assault on his manhood and decides to roll on over and pick a fight. The yokel tips him over and continues his gawking. Max rams a pool stick up the yokel's nose and then takes on the rest. She wins, of course, and she and the Cap'n head home with Cap'n's tail between his legs.
In the morning, the Cap'n is making breakfast, but Max, having no manners, refuses to eat any of it. The Cap'n asks if she's sick and she says no, she's fine. How are the tremors? Fine. Are you cold? No, I'm fine! The Cap'n finally gets annoyed and snits that he keeps forgetting that he can't help her, because she's the superhero and he's the man on wheels. Um, okay. Max finally realizes that she is being really lame and asks if he wants to take a walk after he's done eating. He sulks that he wouldn't want to slow her down. She gets mad and says that if wants to feel sorry for himself, fine. She stomps out of the house, and he slams his spoon down on the table. These two totally deserve each other. They both have the emotional maturity of tater tots.
Max takes a walk in the woods, she eats a s'more, she takes a toke, she takes in a view, she relaxes. And then she runs into Creepy Kid, who is staring blankly at the gravestones of some people. Friends of yours, she asks, which is really, well, glib. I mean, what if they were friends? That would be so rude. Creepy Kid says that they are sort of friends. Max doesn't get how someone is sort of a friend, so Creepy Kid reminds her that he had a secret. And that secret? Well, it's that he's a poor man's Haley Joel Osment. He sees dead people. Well, maybe not. It may be that he just heard the story of their deaths so many times that he dreams about it. Oh. Well, that's exciting.
Meanwhile, Cap'n EO is sulking at home when the carpenter shows up to put in a ramp. And who's the carpenter? The local yokel from the bar last night. Isn't this episode just full of surprises?
Back in the woods, Creepy Kid gives Max the grand tour of the burned-out house where the accident happened and the whole family died. They were running a generator to keep the power on after the Pulse and something happened. Creepy Kid and Max trespass on, and Max finds…a doorknob! She is thrilled by this discovery and shows it to Creepy Kid. Who freaks out and runs out the door. It's like that joke about the boy who hates blintzes…oh never mind.
The carpenter finishes building the ramp and asks the Cap'n to test it out. From his perch at the top of the ramp, where he has obviously been supervising the whole production, the Cap'n refuses. Go get 'em, Tiger! You the man! The carpenter is all, whatever dude, just didn't want you to, heh heh, tip over. Look closely, girls, territorial pissing wars are frequently seen in lower mammalian orders such as wolves and hedgehogs, but they can still occasionally be seen in homo sapiens trapped in small mountain towns with few females of the species. As the carpenter leaves, Cap'n EO's Source pulls up in an SUV. The carpenter and the Source, who is the town's sheriff, look each other up and down, sniff each other's butts, growl, pee on different trees, and walk off in opposite directions. The Source shuts the door and begins to tell his story. He says that nobody knows who he is. That he left that life behind. That there are things about him you wouldn't understand. Things about him you couldn't understand. Things about him you shouldn't understand. Cap'n EO replies, I don't understand. Okay, I totally stole that from Peewee's Big Adventure, but it just seemed to fit. The Cap'n says that the Source makes it sound like there was a war going on. The Source says there was a war going on. At first everyone thought the "Arabs" set off the Pulse, so any foreigner was fair game. Then anyone who had something you wanted was a target, too. He saw people hung by their neighbors. Those demonstrators weren't, uh, demonstrators, they were inciting riots! They were anarchists! They were smashing up Starbucks! And Nike stores! They had to be stopped! Cap'n EO snots, oh, because they had to be stopped, killing was okay? The Source shouts that the rules had changed, the cops were supposed to stop the "barbarian hordes" from hurting the rich people like the Cap'n, but they were supposed to be nice about it. That they were supposed to be nice when they were being sniped and having their throats slit by the people they were trying to save. He's making some good points, but the Cap'n's on his high horse and he's ready to ride. Murder, he declares, was always against the rules. Who gave the order to kill them? Who said where to hide the bodies? The Source says he doesn't know. He doesn't know and he's leaving. Good, Cap'n -- scare your only source off. Now you've really got a story.
Creepy Kid is walking somewhere when the local yokels pull up in a truck. They tell Creepy Kid to get in the truck, because they want to talk to him. Creepy Kid, don't you know that you're not supposed to accept rides from surly burly towns folk who -- gasp! -- smoke? You're supposed to run and find a trusted adult, a relative, or a member of the clergy. But Creepy Kid goes with the yokels, and they take him to a large, well-lit building and ask him about what he was telling Max about the burned-out house. Creepy Kid says that he told her there was a fire because of the generator. The yokel in charge pulls out a cigarette, 'cause in case you forgot, bad people smoke, and tells Creepy Kid that he's too young to remember it. Creepy Kid stares at the bad bad man smoking, and when Creepy Kid won't stop staring, the yokel in charge backhands him. Creepy Kid's nose starts bleeding and he runs off. Them yokels are bad.
Max is looking for Trudy when she runs into Creepy Kid. His nose is still bleeding in exactly the same pattern. Huh. I bet the folks over at CSI would have something to say about that. Max wants to know what happened, but the yokels have scared the kid into silence. He tells Max to leave him alone, but she grabs him as he tries to run off and damn near rips his shirt off. Max, I really hope you can't reproduce. As she pulls at his shirt, she catches sight of burn scars that cover half his body. Being a gold medalist in jumping to conclusions, Max figures out that Creepy Kid was actually the kid who was supposed to have died in the fire. So she enlists the Cap'n, and they go out and dig up the grave of the kid. At night. Which is always the best time to dig up a grave. Not that I have experience or anything. It just seems that if you're going to do some hard labor, you may as well wait until it's pitch black, cold, and windy. The Cap'n is a one-man peanut gallery, pointing out that grave robbing is, well, not so much a state-sanctioned activity. Max says that it's the only possibility. The Cap'n and I point out that that's not so much true. There are lots of other possibilities for a kid having scary dreams and scars. Oh whatever. Max finishes digging up the grave and proves that the coffin's empty. So Creepy Kid is the kid who was supposed to have died in the fire. But he isn't dead, he's alive. And one of the yokels is spying on them! Oh, no! Oh, yes! Oh, man, this is almost worse than Jam Pony. Maybe week Sketchy will see dead people.
Max and the Cap'n decide to confront the doctor. The doctor says that it's disgusting that they dug up that boy's grave. I think it's disgusting that they didn't shower afterwards. The doctor says that the body was completely cremated by the flames, and they just wanted to give him a proper burial. Using his best investigative journalism skills, the Cap'n points out that the death certificates, which she signed, say that all three of the bodies were found, and that they know she falsified the documents. Where the hell did they get the death certificates in the middle of the night? Oh, right, I'm not supposed to ask questions. She asks them to let it go. She was just trying to protect the boy from the men who set the house on fire. They would have killed him too if she hadn't lied. And, if you didn't already guess it, which I bet you did, you smart cookie, the smoking yokels were the ones who set the fire. The doctor couldn't tell the police, because the police had all been reassigned to the city to put down riots. They were on their own out there. So she kept the boy hidden until he got better and then she said he was her nephew. But, uh, when the police came back, couldn't she have told them then? And couldn't the townsfolk have banded together and run the troublemakers out of town? Okay, okay, no more questions. But, good grief, I've read more carefully thought-out Nancy Drew stories. That Carolyn Keane could sure write. Anyway, Creepy Kid of course overhears the sad story of his life and runs out the back.
The yokels have figured out that they're about to be busted. And, like most bad guys, they are unrepentant about their crime, but they are really sad they got caught. Instead of fleeing the scene, they decide to kill all potential witnesses. But they need to work off some aggression first, so they beat the crap out of each other and call each other names. When that's finally broken up, the yokel in charge tells them the plan: one's going to the doctor, one's scoping out the police, and the other two are going to "remind the kid that good little boys don't talk to strangers." Then he stares at a flame that's burning on a pole. What is that, the Olympic torch? I guess I would stare at it too.
Creepy Kid is staring at the mountains and crying, saying, it can't be, it can't be, over and over again. Max finds him and tells him that it will be all right. He stops crying and hugs her. Where the hell was the doctor in all of this? Isn't she his mother figure? Oh, whatever.
Max, the Cap'n, and Creepy Kid are sitting around the living room of the cabin when the yokels pull up. Right then, Max starts having another seizure. The Cap'n pulls up his pants and settles in for a fight. He tells Creepy Kid to take Max into the bedroom and stay there. Then the Cap'n grabs his gun and goes out to the porch to greet the village idiots. They want to know where Creepy Kid is. The Cap'n says he's not there, and when they ask to come in and search, the Cap'n whips it out. Not it, you sickos -- the gun. He tells the yokels that they're just going to have to trust him on this one. Just then, the Cap'n's Source pulls up wearing his sheriff's badge. He says that he talked to the doctor, and she said that the kid is missing. The Cap'n says that the kid is safe. The sheriff knows those townies are trouble and whips out his, uh, gun, and asks the yokels to move along. At the sight of the gun, the yokels pull out a copy of their high-school football play book and decide a joint side tackle will be perfect for the job. They take out the sheriff, and in the struggle for the gun they really take out the sheriff. The Cap'n is aghast on the porch, trying to figure out how to help. I guess he figures he can't, so he wheels inside and slams the door in a hail of gunfire. The bad guys shoot the tires out of the Cap'n's car, shoot out the radio in the sheriff's car, and decide to go get their friends to help them finish the job. As they run off, the Cap'n comes outside via the ramp and grabs the sheriff to see if he's all right. He's not, and, like most dying men, he decides it's time for a final confession. Unfortunately, he's talking to a cyber-journalist, not a priest. He tells the Cap'n that he doesn't know who gave the order, but they all did the shooting. All the cops who were there shot the demonstrators. It was kill or be killed. The source drops dead, and the Cap'n drops him like a sack of monkey poop and rolls back inside. Have I mentioned that Foreshadowing is sitting here kicking me in the shins every few minutes? Damn near everything in this show is foreshadowing for some later event. Everything! It's like a study in foreshadowing for an eighth-grade lit class.
Max is still twitching on the bed. She and the Cap'n decide that the SAGS implant is making the seizures more severe. At any rate, neither she nor the Cap'n can make an escape. So the Cap'n hunkers down for a fight. As night falls, the Cap'n and Creepy Kid, who refuses to go home, do some prep work for the upcoming battle. Okay, I've been putting it off, but I have to ask -- where the hell is the doctor? She couldn't just come up the hill to see if her adopted son was there? She sends the sheriff instead? And then when the sheriff doesn't come back, she still doesn't bother coming? And why don't they send the kid to the doctor's house so he can call for help? Arghh! So many questions and no freaking answers.
As the yokels pull up in their big truck with their big guns, Creepy Kid has some big flashbacks of being in the burned-out house with his parents and seeing the yokels pull up in their big truck with their big guns. Seems the yokels thought that Creepy Kid's parents either had food or were in on the whole Pulse thing before it happened, because they were Arabic. Either way, the yokels wanted them dead. Or the yokels wanted their food and they ended up dead incidentally. Creepy Kid's mom put him in a closet, and then the yokels killed the parents and torched the house. It's all in the flashbacks. So the yokels are hunkered down behind their truck, and the Cap'n is all, "We are armed. Leave now or you will meet with forceful resistance." Um, Cap'n? Did you see that in a movie or something? 'Cause it sounded really dumb. The yokels laugh at him, and the Cap'n goes into his own version of actiony action. Seems he and Creepy Kid rigged the whole house, like in Swiss Family Robinson when the pirates were coming and little Franz has his tiger trap and the older boys have their coconut bombs and their log rolls. It was just like that, but with a lot of gasoline, gunfire, piano wire, and exploding gas bombs. The Cap'n pretty much kills or severely maims all of the yokels while Max and Creepy Kid hide out in the bedroom, shaking and having flashbacks. Oh, but then there's trouble, as there always is when you're trying to kill the very last bad guy. The yokel in charge busts into the cabin and knocks the Cap'n out of his wheelchair. The Cap'n is temporarily knocked out, and Creepy Kid comes out of the bedroom and has some more flashbacks about the yokel in charge lighting his house on fire. The yokel in charge starts to set the cabin on fire. The Cap'n wakes up and grabs the gun out of his chair. He shoots the yokel in the back, and they start to wrassle on the floor. Logan and I point out that the best thing about using a wheelchair is that it builds upper body strength, so Logan wins the wrestling meet even though he forgot his singlet. He yells at Creepy Kid to grab the fire extinguisher, but the kid is tweaking pretty hard what with the flashbacks and all. He starts licking the walls and touching himself where his bathing suit covers and then starts jumping up and down yelling, "I'm a muffin! Butter me! I'm a muffin! Butter me!" Well, okay, no. He didn't do that at all. And I certainly don't condone the use of hallucinogens by children. So Creepy Kid grabs the fire extinguisher and puts out the flames, saving the day. Ah, he's cured! Got to love Gestalt therapy.
Later, somehow, the townsfolk have figured out that they need to come to the cabin. So the whole town is there, and the Cap'n is having his car towed, and he and Max are having a talk about how it's nice that occasionally the sidekick can step up and save the day. And even though he killed for the first time, it certainly won't be the last. Sometimes you have no choice. Did you get that? The parallel between the cop and him? Did you? I thought so. The doctor finally shows up, and Max and Creepy Kid have a talk about how it's nice that he has her to watch out for him. Creepy Kid says that it's nice that Max has Logan to watch out for her. Is that supposed to be endearing? Because it's really not. Go away, Creepy Kid, and may you never be heard from again! Away! Away! The episode wraps up with one of Max's monotonous monologues about how the Cap'n learned that sometimes, when you set out to resurrect the dead, be they creepy children or long lost demonstrators, you get more than you bargained for. Which, of course, begs the question: Is this an Easter story?