Max and Logan are ensconced in the cozy Halls of Justice, sitting before a roaring fire to combat the rain and cold. They are playing chess. Max is winning, and Logan is a very gracious loser. And yes, by "gracious" I do mean "cute." Max makes a move (no, not that kind) and declares checkmate. Logan asks if it is against the Superhero Code to use her powers to take advantage of mere mortals. She says yes, but she's not done taking advantage. The Captain looks uncomfortable, and I giggle and pace around the room. Because I am retarded. And I get embarrassed for people on TV. I've never once made it through a Nora Ephron movie, because I always have to get up and walk around while the characters are embarrassing themselves on-screen. Not that being unable to sit through a Nora Ephron film is a bad thing. Anyway. Max isn't planning on "taking advantage" of his innocence, but rather she's trying to get him to go to a concert with her. He passes. She gets huffy. "No fun for Logan Cale. The world's coming to an end. Protect the downtrodden. Blah blah woof woof." Okay. I realize that we the writers, and the forum posters, make fun of the slang used on this show a lot, because it's really early nineties and probably would never be used in 2019. But now I'm beginning to realize that the anachronistic lingo is highly preferable to the bizarre quasi-futuristic slang that the writers insist in putting in Max's mouth. "Blah blah woof woof"? Fishcakes. Logan flinches. I second it.
Lydecker is skulking around an office, working with a sketch artist who is creating a picture of Max. He tells the artist to make the cheekbones rounder and the lips fuller. Fuller? You heard me. Lydecker is planning on postering the city with pictures of Max and the offer of a large reward for her capture. He's working with the Seattle PD, but the captain is trying to shake him down for some extra cash for his trouble. Lydecker is having none of it, pulling a big ol' gun out of his briefcase and warning the captain that greasing palms can make trigger fingers slippery. Now what is it that they say about little men and big guns?
Original Cindy and Max are getting dressed (undressed?) in the JamPony HQ. Why they are getting dressed/undressed I'm not sure. Don't they just wear their plain old everyday clothes when they deliver packages? Wasn't that the entire complaint about the uniforms from the last episode? A little continuity, folks, thank you. Anyway, Max and OC are dressing up, or dressing down, and some skeeve is spying on them, and Max catches him and knees him in the hoohahs. Go get 'em, girl! Normal grabs her to deliver a package to South Market, which is yet another in a series of geographical liberties that the writers feel necessary to take with the layout of Seattle. South Market Street? Never heard of it. But I gather, post-pulse, it's quite the shanty town, with armed guards and restricted access. I thought restricted access was for whitey-tighty gated communities, not for Super Slum, but whatever -- I've given up on this show making any sense. Max's picture is starting to be distributed around the area, but she makes it through the checkpoint with no fuss. Because they need to build up the drama a little more. After Max delivers her package, she notices a wanted poster with her face on it. to her bike. to some officers of the law. She puts it all together and books.
Back at JamPony HQ, OC, Herbal, and Sketchy are looking at a printout of the wanted poster. Sketchy thinks it's Max. OC says she'll slap him upside his head if he even thinks it. Normal butts in all blip blip blip and grabs the paper out of Sketchy's pocket. You can just see the little wheels start turning in his really square head.
Max does what she always does in a jam. She calls Captain EO. But she's on her own, cause the Captain's out. He's at the doctor's office, getting some bad news. Seems that flinch wasn't related to Max's mutilation of the English language; it had to do with some bullet fragments migrating towards his cute little spine. If he doesn't get a high-risk spine operation, he could end up a quadriplegic on a respirator. A cute quadriplegic on a respirator. Captain EO's kinda bummed.
Not as bummed as Max, however, who, trapped in South Market, was spotted by a cop, who reported her to Lydecker after she grounded him with an elbow to the head. She's quickly surrounded by overly-armed soldiers and armored attack vehicles. She's only slightly nonplussed, since she's a superhuman attack vehicle herself. She hides in a storage crate, but she's outed when OC pages her because she's late for their lunch date. She busts a move, but she's in kind of desperate straits, what with the Captain being preoccupied. Luckily, Zack sees a poster and is off to the rescue.
Max is still hiding out, but when some hapless guy on a cell phone wanders into view, she relieves him of his phone while he, uh, relieves himself on the wall. Serves you right for whizzing in public, Mister. And he wasn't even drunk. Not that being drunk is a good excuse for whizzing in public.
Back JamPony HQ, Normal gives Sketchy control of the desk. Because Sketchy's proved himself to be so responsible and promotion-worthy? Or because Sketchy is contracted to have at least 4.33 minutes of on-air time per episode? You be the judge. As Normal prepares to split the scene, Zack shows up at bike central. Normal tells him that he has some nerve showing up there, since he quit without giving the required two weeks' notice. Zack ignores him and walks up to OC to ask where Max is. OC is about to tell him that she doesn't know, but the phone rings and it's Max. Zack grabs the phone and tells her that they have to get her out of town. OC is confused, because she doesn't realize that Zack and Max know each other, let alone have a relationship or, hell, that Zack is even his name.
When Zack pays a visit to the Halls of Justice to set up Max's escape plan with the Captain, it turns out that the Captain still had no idea that Max was in trouble. I love the scenes between Zack and the Captain -- they have WAY more chemistry than Max and Captain EO. Or Max and Zack. Or Max and the furniture. Anyway, in case you wondered, Lydecker is still calling the shots from Evil Empire HQ. A two-second scene that certainly should have been left on the cutting room floor. Like, writers? Did you think we forgot?
Zack and the Captain are driving to South Market. The perimeter was supposed to sealed, no? No problem for our Captain. He and Zack roll into action after a quick phone call to Mr. Nice Policeman at the Seattle PD, who promises to keep him posted and run interference for him with the nutjobs coming in for the reward money. Now, I realize that the writers explained Mr. Nice Policeman's involvement by saying that he can sleep well at night because he's helping the crimebusters fight grift and graft and everything else, but every episode? In this depressed economy, his job has to be worth something to him. And if he's so cavalier as to be talking about this case on an open phone line in the middle of his office, he's bound to get busted at some point. But not on this case, since he's interviewing Normal. Who came in to rat out Max as the murderer. Mr. Nice Policeman sets up Normal for some serious interference. And let's just say Normal's attempt to turn Max in to the cops is interfered with, and he ends up being held, and I'll spare you the rest. This episode has SO much filler. It's like the writers wrote a paragraph each or something.
Zack sets up an escape route for Max involving a grappling hook and a high beam. Just like MacGyver, but without the dental floss or chewing gum. He and Logan pull out of the South Market compound and Max makes her escape. For this routine she's planned a round-off back handspring, leading into a double half-pike arial. And except for that landing, it would have been all tens, folks, but sprawling on the roof of that car just wasn't what the judges were looking for. Max, Logan, and Zack peel out in the Subaru Aztek, making for Logan's parents' cabin in the woods thirty miles north of Seattle. Which would be, what, Bellingham? Maybe they can get some dinner at the mall. Whatever. From there, they will make their break for Canada. And never return to Seattle. As they drive towards the cabin, the permanence of their separation sets in, and the Captain turns on some moody Sibelius composition. They pull up to the cabin, and Zack gets out and thanks Logan for all his help. Max is having a hard time leaving. She wants the Captain to go on the lam with her. Hey, me too! But he says he would just slow her down, and he has to stay and look out for the downtrodden, blah blah woof woof. She gets out of the car, but runs back and -- drumroll please -- she kisses him. On the mouth. And, yes, it looks like there was some tongue involved.
Now that they've kissed, the Captain has nothing better to do than stare moodily out the window. Listening to the rhythm of the falling rain. And ordering up some steaming cups of belladonna, mandrake, or opium tea from his not-too-shabby-looking assistant. Seems Logan misses Max. Dude, she's been gone like ten minutes. Why don't I give you my phone number and we can talk about it. And yes, Captain EO, I will be home in Seattle for Christmas. Oh, sorry, I forgot myself there. The Captain can't sleep, even though he needs his rest because he's going under the knife tomorrow. The assistant (and no, I don't know his name. Is it that obvious?) points out that maybe after his surgery he can go catch up with her. But EO, feeling rather martyrish, says that he did the right thing letting her go and that he always does the right thing. He looks haggard and exhausted, and does a much better job acting sad and bereft than Max. Who is also staring out the window at the rain. Even though Zack has rigged up a rip-roaring fire and made quite a cozy little nest for the two of them with a bottle of wine, two glasses, and a sentimental story. Ew. Her "brother's" totally trying to get in her pants. Zack tells her some story about the morning of the escape from Manticore, and how he was so terrified by all the people, but thrilled by the idea of freedom. Max is staring all dead-fish-eye off into space, which looks like her typical expression to me, but Zack interprets it to mean that she misses the Captain. I wonder how he got that? Zack confesses that he has his moments of weakness too, that sometimes he wants a life beyond that of a small soldier.
That idiot Normal has been locked in a witness room at the police station for what I gather is quite a while. Mr. Nice Policeman has taken it upon himself to protect Normal from the crazed murderer. And now Normal tells us he has to go the bathroom very very badly. Maybe the Ex-Lax from last week hasn't worn off yet? Mr. Nice Policeman continues his interference by arresting Normal for unpaid speeding tickets. And remember what I said about anachronistic slang and Max? It goes four times over for Normal. God, he's annoying. Like one of those high-school teachers who thinks he's still cool 'cause he drives an '83 Camaro and has heard of Nirvana or something.
The assistant, who I realize now is named Blaine, walks into Logan's study and finds the Captain collapsed over his desk. He is rushed to the hospital with the fear of internal bleeding and potentially debilitating nerve damage. Max awakes with a start because her Spidey Sense says that the Captain's in trouble. She calls his cell and knows something is wrong when Blaine answers. She finds out some of the details and rushes off back to Seattle. But she forgot about Zack. And he's having none of it. He didn't risk his life to help her escape so that she could rush back and get caught again. And of course Max is having none of that. I suggest they arm-wrestle about it, but they brawl instead. But it only lasts for the two seconds it takes for Max to do a funky F/X backflip and pin Zack so that he gets her point. She's going back and that's it. We get it. They must have blown the entire special-effects budget for this show during the pilot.
In emergency surgery, Logan is face down and bleeding all over the place, and the hospital is running low on blood, and the blood bank is tapped out, and Logan's blood type is hard to find in the first place. Whatever will happen? Luckily, Max has shown up at the hospital, and when she hears the news she leaps into action. Seems the men of Manticore decided to make their soldiers universal donors. Which is Type O, yes? Yes. And I would like to take this opportunity to point out that Fox obviously has some crap-ass fact-checkers on staff, because Logan supposedly has "hard to find" AB-negative blood, but according to my biology textbook and several textbooks belonging to forum posters, Type AB blood is the universal recipient, which would make it pretty fawking easy to find, as long as it was typed Rh negative or positive. So if you count out all the Rh positive blood, it would still be pretty fawking easy to find. This is pretty basic biology. Bad fact-checkers. Bad! Bad! Anyway, Max gives the Captain a transfusion of her super blood, so I'm sure he'll be fine. She's not so sure, but in order to pull him through, she swears that if he dies, she'll kick his ass.
I guess Manticore didn't teach their little soldiers that giving too much blood makes you pass out, 'cause Max passes out. And remember what I was saying about how this show is all filler this week? Well, now we get some pink-tinted fantasy filler along the lines of Lawrence Welk meets Dynasty. Max who is, seriously, dressed like an early eighties Linda Evans, or Wonder Woman back on her isle as Princess Diana, asks Logan to dance. Which, of course, he does. And look! He's clean-shaven. That's a relief; he was spending too much time with George Michael's barber. So they dance to that damn Sibelius song, and there's mirrors and smoke and pink filtered light, and just when I'm about to go to talk to Ralph on the big white phone, it stops, and Max wakes up with a gun to her head. She's busted. But it worked. Logan's blood pressure is up.
Max gets dragged off to jail, where there's a whole treehouse full of girls with long brown hair and full lips, and it's actually kind of funny. The cops call Lydecker to tell him the good news that they have his killer. Unfortunately for Lydecker, the killer they caught isn't Max, it's a man. See, Lydecker? That's the problem with telling lies -- you get all caught up in telling a story to the cops about a murderer when you really just want to trap your genetically-enhanced killing machine, so when the cops catch the murderer, you can't say it's not the right one. See what I'm getting at here? Happens to everyone. Anyway, Max gets to go free because the killer turned himself in. And the killer? It was Zack. He turned himself in. And he did it all for the glory of love.
Lydecker's not so bummed about not getting Max, because he got Zack, but he doesn't understand why Zack would turn himself in to be taken back to Manticore. He thought he had taught him better.
Normal comes back to JamPony HQ, and I don't care. Do you? No? Moving on.
Back at the hospital, Max and Logan backpedal from their moment of weakness, so that we know it won't happen again. For awhile. Logan points out that Zack doesn't exactly love her like a brother, and we get a funny look from Max, which I think was supposed to be surprise. But I could be wrong. It could have been gas. The camera flashes to a news story about a helicopter that crashed en route to a site in Wyoming with a prisoner on board. No survivors were found, but Max knows that Zack could have survived. And she's just going to sit on top of that there Space Needle and wait for him. Maybe I'll stop by to say hi when I'm there. Probably not, though -- I'll be too busy taking care of the Captain.