I was going to open with some snarky comment about how it's kind of gross to be airing a dumb dancing competition when Boston and the country are in turmoil, but after watching the cable news networks fall all over themselves to give us zero new information, I think some dumb dancing might be just fine for right now. Let's just wait until there's actual news, instead of getting second-by-second speculation based on no actual reporting. You guys good with that? Cool.
The show starts with a dance by all of the pros, including the triumphant (?) return of Maks. Can someone please tell Maks (and Val) that their whole licking pinkies and smoothing eyebrows thing is not a dance move and it's not a signature move and it's actually quite creepy? Between that and the "wiping sweat from my brow and flicking it on the floor" move, I'm starting to think those brothers have an issue with bodily fluids. Anyway, after the pros open the number, each remaining couple gets a solo. The ones you'd expect to be good are good and the ones you'd expect to be awful are awful. No surprises here.
Tonight's challenge is that each couple has to dance side-by-side with a professional couple so that we can compare. The pros dance first, then they both dance side-by-side, then the celebrities dance alone. During the side-by-side part, they will be doing the same choreography. Wow. Some of these people are going to look awful. They should have done this during All-Stars. I wonder if any of the pros asked their friends to dance kind of crappy so the celebrity wouldn't look so bad.
The first couple to attempt this challenge is Ingo and Kym, who will be dancing the cha cha to Tony and Emma (from the troupe). Tony really does seem to be toning it down in his opening. During the side-by-side, Kym is no dummy and obviously choreographed it so that most of it involves Ingo just standing there while she spins around, so there's not a ton to compare. Ingo makes more of an effort than he has in the past at including some hip action, but he's no Tony. During their solo part, Ingo seems like he forgets some steps. He just seems off the beat, but he is really performing. I'll give him that. It's awkward and clunky looking though.
Judges? Len says that tonight is about stamina, since the dances are longer, and Ingo made it through the dance really well. Len loves how he attacks the dance, but now he needs to take more care with his movements. Bruno says that Ingo pulled that one off through sheer strength and willpower. Carrie Ann says that Ingo needs to work on below-the-belt and then everyone makes salacious comments and it all falls to shit. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7.
Jacoby and Karina have the jive this week, and Jacoby struggles a bit because the jive is so similar to a dance he already knows called the skip, so he keeps doing the familiar moves instead of the jive. Then Karina learns that they will be paired with Maks and Anna. Boy, those producers love to put Maks and Karina together, don't they? It seems to go well in rehearsals, though, and Maks is able to get through to Jacoby, who keeps complaining that Karina wants him to do moves that men can't do. It's possible that he's claiming he can't do them because he's too manly, but it seems like he's saying that he physically can't do them, as a dude. I don't know.
When Maks and Anna started their jive, I was like, "Well, Maks is not taking it easy on poor Jacoby. He is dancing his ass off." And then Jacoby came out and danced his ass off and then some. He's amazing. There are some technical glitches - his feet aren't quite right on some of the kicks and flicks, and he sticks his butt out too much, and his hands aren't always great. But he's SO MUCH FUN to watch. You can't take your eyes off him. And man, his athleticism is on full display in this routine and it's a sight to behold.
Judges? Bruno says that it was amazing, but Jacoby needs to remember to point his toes during the kicks. Carrie Ann says it was a little flat-footed and pigeon-toed, but she loved it. Len loved how Jacoby's personality radiated, but he won't get a 9 with that footwork. Jacoby retorts that he went "108 in eleven seconds" with those feet, a reference to his Super Bowl record-setting touchdown. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8 and Bruno 9. Hey, I just remember that no one mentioned how ridiculous it is that Jacoby had to do the jive for this really long dance. And he kept his energy up! How about some props for that, Len!
Victor and Lindsay have the Viennese waltz this week and Victor has trouble keeping up with the steps. He confesses to Lindsay that he was dating a girl and he just found out that she was cheating on him. Their pair is Tristan and Emma, and Tristan works with Victor to learn his part. This could be ugly. As with Ingo, Victor is lucky that most of his side-by-side moves involve standing still while Lindsay does all the dancing. Victor looks fine. He's perfectly adequate as a dancer. He should probably make it one or two more rounds, but he's not going to make the finals, and I'm bored with him now.
Judges? Carrie Ann thinks it was a victory, but she has to take a point off for the lift. Len doesn't think they should take off a point because there was no intent to lift, and Carrie Ann starts to argue with him and then Len shuts her down and says that it was better than last week. Bruno says that Victor did a better job of covering the few mistakes he made. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7. That's fair. He was fine.
Aly and Mark are dancing with Tony and Whitney (a troupe dancer). Aly is smart and takes it as an opportunity to learn from a woman, and they work together while Mark and Tony work out the choreography. Anyway, they have the samba. The side-by-side actually looks really good. It's the best that Aly has danced, I think. During her solo section, Aly seems weirdly off balance. I don't know what that's about. It's like she's dancing so fast that she keeps tipping over? But overall, I was more impressed with this routine than any of hers I've seen thus far. I think training with another woman was very helpful to her.
Judges? Len says that they were in sync with their partners, but her legs were a little flimsy at times. Bruno loved how sassy and saucy Aly was, and loved her strong technique and carefree attitude. Carrie Ann loves how Aly brought out her sexiness, but once Whitney wasn't on the floor and Aly had a small mistake, she lost her confidence a bit. As she talks to Brooke, Aly says that she's from Boston and she's dedicating her dance to her hometown. As she talks, Jacoby and Ingo are clowning around behind her, not knowing what she's talking about, but once they figure it out, you can tell the Jacoby feels like an asshole. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 9. Yeah, I thought it should have been scored a little higher.
Sean and Peta thought they were gone last week, so now they are hoping for redemption. They are paired with Tristan and Chelsie. There's a whole bit where Sean is copying everything Tristan does in rehearsal, as if Sean has a personality. Tristan is so good at the quickstep. His dance with Chelsie is really lovely. The males remaining on the show (other than Jacoby) really have an easy time of it because during the side-by-side part, they've all just stood there, mostly. During Sean's section of the dance, he gets most of the steps right. And it's the quickstep, so his natural stiffness doesn't work against him like it would in a Latin dance.
Judges? Bruno thinks that Sean has always been a bit clompy, but tonight he was light on his feet with good technique. Carrie Ann agrees, and loves how Sean is determined and sure with his dancing. Len loves how Sean flew around the floor, and compares him to a pigeon. Bruno just LOSES IT. Len finally regains control of the conversation and says that it was Sean's best dance so far. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 8.
Kellie and Derek have the cha cha, and Derek is pushing Kellie hard since she's been doing so well thus far. Weird that we don't see much footage of them rehearsing with Anna and her troupe partner, Henry. They have the foxtrot. Anna and Henry do a very staid and kind of boring opening. I totally think Derek used a strategy to make his portion look better, but I really don't blame him. Anyway, I normally find the foxtrot pretty boring, but this is really great. I only wish the tempo of the music was just a little bit faster. It feels a bit draggy in spots. But the choreography is great and Kellie looks like a pro.
Judges? Carrie Ann tells Len that she loves the side-by-side challenge, and she thinks each celebrity was blossomed from working with another pro. And that was a fabulous routine. Len tells Kellie that she put the "ooo" in "smooooth" and he thinks she could make the finals with that kind of dancing. Bruno loves the elegance and humor. They really should give Derek props for his Old Hollywood choreography. It really was like a Hepburn/Tracy movie. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9 and Bruno 9.
I really don't want to watch DL "dance" again. Ugh. Anyway, he has the tango, and they'll be dancing with Sacha and Chelsie. Okay, DL is just walking around the floor right now. There's no actual dancing happening. He's marching around and poor Cheryl is kicking and flicking her feet all over the place but he's just walking. Can we please vote him off already? There's no sexual tension in this routine, and no artistry. I mean, Cheryl is trying really, really hard, but it's not there.
Judges? Len thought it looked all right but lacked any buzz or attack. Bruno thought he did have attack but that made him stompy. Carrie Ann loved the intensity and focus but the side-by-side showed the difference in technique. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6. That's about right.
Val and Zendaya have the Argentine tango this week, and I don't know how Val is going to pull off the trick of being age-appropriate with the sexiness. Especially when they're paired with Maks and Anna, two of the sexier dancers in my opinion. Anna tries to make a woman out of Zendaya. And then Maks and Val dance together and holy crap did a ton of fanfic or realfic or whatever it's called just get furiously typed into Tumblrs around the world.
Holy shit, you guys. Zendaya is amazing. This is her dance. This is the dance that her body was built to do. Her movements are sharp and right on point. I didn't see one flaw in that routine. Not one. Okay, maybe during the side-by-side, some of her turns were a tiny, tiny bit wobbly. But that's a stretch.
Judges? Bruno calls her the lethal beauty and the ultimate femme fatale, and says she was as good and as strong as Anna. Carrie Ann can't believe she managed that dance at her height, and she loves that every move had a story behind it. Len thought it was like a lemon tart: sharp and tasty at the top, crisp and tasty at the bottom. I guess that's a compliment? Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. I would like to know what flaw Len saw in that routine.
Andy is going last? This should be interesting. Not sure why they didn't end the show with Zendaya. They are dancing with Sasha and Emma. Wow, they really got the bottom of the barrel, pro-wise. I'm not saying they're not talented, but Sasha is no Maks or Tony or Tristan. As they rehearse, Andy points out that he feels like the leftover in this group of pros. Anyway, they have the paso doble.
Andy just flew in on a zipline. What. The. Fudge. Anyway, I don't know if the aerial stunt threw him, but he seemed to forget half of his moves throughout. Most of his side-by-side is taken up with cape work, and that's fine. Once they start their solo part, you can see multiple times where Sharna has to prompt him to take her hand, or clap, or whatever. I don't know if he lost focus or what. It wasn't terrible, but it's not like Andy's technique can make up for a few flubs, because his technique is pretty bad too.
Judges? Carrie Ann is still laughing at his entrance, and says his cape work was fine but then it kind of fell apart. Len doesn't think the technique was much but it was fun. Bruno thought it was slapstick, except Andy wasn't trying to be funny. Aw, Andy. I wish you were a better dancer. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. Well, DL's got some company. I think Andy was better than DL, at least. And I hope he has more fans because he's trying so hard.
Your leaderboard:
Zendaya and Val: 29
Kellie and Derek: 27
Jacoby and Karina: 27
Aly and Mark: 25
Sean and Peta: 24
Victor and Lindsay: 21
Ingo and Kym: 21
DL and Cheryl: 18
Andy and Sharna: 18