Tonight, the stars have three dances. Three! Even if one is a relay, that's still a lot to learn, especially for a group where multiple members (Ricki, Hope) still seem to be relying on their partners a LOT to get through even one dance. Thank God Nancy's gone because Tristan would have to drag her around the floor. And while I think Chynna was a better dancer than, say, Hope, can you imagine her dealing with the stress of three dances? She would have to go back to rehab.
Last week, Len went completely nuts and gave high marks to Hope and Maks even though her technique was terrible and she had no musicality. I think Len was just happy to see Hope showing some energy and pizzazz for once. In rehearsals, Maks and Hope are practicing a lot of lifts and throws for the Argentine tango and Hope reveals that her entire shoulder basically came out and was reattached with pins at some point in her soccer career. That seems like it would hurt A LOT. And the way Maks is throwing her around while holding onto her bad arm probably isn't helping. So her doctor comes and gives her a shot with a giant needle and she hopes that will get her through the round. I hope she doesn't lose all feeling in her shoulder and then Maks tears her arm off and he's just dancing around holding the bloody stump. Actually, I secretly kind of do hope that happens. It would certainly be more interesting than their actual dance.
Maks and Hope have the paso doble. Hope starts the dance in chains and she looks really fierce for the first third or so. She's pushing Maks around. Here's the problem - she's just not a good dancer. There is no fluidity to her movements. She's just stomping around the dance floor and flinging her arms about while scowling. I will say that her performing ability has improved greatly over the course of the season; she really gets into the character of the dance these days. But her dancing ability has not improved. She's so flat-footed with no hip action at all. So probably the judges will love it, since I hated it.
Judges? Len leads by saying that it's amazing to do three dances in one week for everyone. He tells Hope that she had great attack and attitude, but she lost finesse and technique. Bruno agrees that her dance had energy but lacked artistry and control. Carrie Ann thought she nailed the character of the dance, but she lost her shape when she was in hold. Carrie Ann adds that she admires Hope for coming this far (but fails to add, "since we all thought you'd be out in like the third week.") The judges actually agreed with me! Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 7. Wow. Those are low. I really thought she'd at least get 8s. Brooke gives Maks a chance to react and he claims he's happy and loves everyone. He's clearly either learned a lesson or got spanked for his insubordination. I don't know why he has to go whole hog either way. There is such a thing as diplomacy. He could say, "Well, obviously we always want the highest scores possible, but we're urging our fans to call in and help us out!" Right? Memorize that phrase, Maks.
JR and Karina got two perfect scores last week, so they're worried that they have nowhere to go but down. In rehearsals, they practice their lifts for the Argentine tango and JR is concerned about whether he can handle it. Then they start working on the paso and JR rolls his ankle. Man, that hurts like a sumbitch. I've done that so many times! My brother the athletic trainer always used to make me stick my foot in a bucket of ice (or snow if it was winter) for like five minutes on and five minutes off. It was SO hard to do but it really helped. JR wants to keep dancing when he should really be doing RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation). Little did you know when reading this weecap that you'd be getting first aid tips! So anyway, JR finally does rest, ice, and elevate and hopes for the best.
Okay, so there's bound to be a bit of a letdown after their performances last week, right? But there's something weird about JR's posture. It's almost like he hurt his back instead of his ankle. His butt is sticking out, and when he goes to do some big kicks, it looks really painful. When they are in hold, his lines are much better, but it's definitely not up to his usual standards, technique-wise. And he seemed distracted and up in his head, instead of just fully giving himself over to the dance in the joyful way that he normally does.
Judges? As they wait for the discussion, JR confirms to Tom that he twisted his ankle again. Bruno says the role-playing in their routine was great, but the posture wasn't quite there. Carrie Ann gives him credit for his intensity, especially with an injury, but it affected his posture. Len just doesn't think the dance suited him, because "it was more zero than Zorro" and he was too hunched over all the time. Tom tries to defend JR by saying he was trying to protect his ankle, and Len says he understands that, but he has to score the dance he saw, and JR is very understanding. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. That's totally fair.
Rob and Cheryl have been peaking at the right time, unlike JR. Rob is still on his way up. Cheryl begs Rob to do well in the Argentine tango because it's her favorite dance, but Rob is concerned about having to follow JR in such a manly dance. He feels better about the samba, since it has a lot of booty-shaking and hip action, and he looks pretty awesome in rehearsals, I have to say.
So their actual dance might be the gayest thing I've ever seen on this show, and that's saying A LOT. It's done to Peter Allen's "I Go to Rio" and there are rainbows everywhere and rainbow streamers and Rob and Cheryl come out on a rainbow float. How did Rob agree to do this? But good for him. Anyway, the dancing itself is pretty good! The samba rolls are awkward, but at least they tried. His footwork and hip action are both better than I expected, but the greatest part is that he actually looks like he's having fun.
Carrie Ann starts for the judges and says, "Who are you?" because she thought it was amazing, fluid, and fantastic. Len also was nervous when they came out on the float, but once he started dancing, it was great. Bruno says that he exceeded all expectations, and he should keep using his butt. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 9. That's fair. It wasn't perfect, but it was good, and honestly, he should save the perfect scores for week.
In rehearsals, Ricki is worried that she let people down, but Derek wants her to give herself credit. Ricki finally decides to realize that she's only on the show for a short period of time and she needs to enjoy it instead of constantly fretting about everything. Ricki is nervous while practicing lifts because she's still a fat girl in her head. Of all the weight loss bullshit she's spilled in the last few weeks, that's at least something I can understand. Even though Derek assures her that it's fine, she's got to be thinking that he wouldn't tell her that she's a heifer. And then when it's time for the samba, she seems to catch on quickly and really enjoy herself.
Samba time! Ricki is really suffering for going right after Rob because while her samba is good, it's not as good as his was. Her feet are fast but her legs aren't bent enough, and her hip action is non-existent. It's like she's a solid block from her knees to her shoulders. The circles that Rob was making with his hips - none of that from Ricki. Her other problem is that she smiles without showing her teeth and puts her chin up and it gives her face this super smug expressions that kind of worked for the more serious dances, but there's no joy there. And her shimmying is too tight and controlled. Don't get me wrong; it's a decent routine and there aren't major errors. But there's no joy or good times in it on Ricki's end. She looks happier while waiting for the judges' comments than she did through the whole dance.
Len thought it was "fabulous, fabulous, fabulous." Bruno thought it was bright and brilliant. Carrie Ann noticed that Ricki kept her shoulders down the whole time, and it was a battle, and it made a huge difference. I don't get it. I didn't think it was THAT great. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. That is bullshit. That was not a perfect score dance.
Before the stars try their hand at Argentine tango, we get to see some pros show us how it's done. Once couple does some amazing lifts, like to the point where I think someone might get hurt. But the dances should be precise, with lots of footwork, but most of all: sexy.
Time for sob stories! First up: Hope. She was a tomboy growing up, but her parents got divorced. And then her Vietnam vet dad kidnapped her and her brother and got arrested in front of them. Then she reconnected with him when she found him homeless, and he started coming to all her games. Then her dad died right before the 2007 World Cup and the coach pulled her from the game. The team lost, and Hope talked to the press about how the coach made a huge mistake. Oops. Eventually, she got back onto the team and that's where she is today.
I'm not sure how any of that relates to dancing, but okay. Their tango is filled with athletic and impressive lifts, but the problem is that Hope shows no grace getting into or out of them. It just looks awkward. Maks did a good job of choreographing movements to show off Hope's height and long limbs, and about half the dance looks good, but the other half looks ungainly. Hope still doesn't offer precise placement of her hands and feet - she just throws her arms and legs out and they land wherever. I can't believe no one has called her on that yet.
Len thought it was "far, far better than their paso doble" and that the lifts were clean. Bruno also thought it was much better and more controlled. Really? Carrie Ann saw more fluidity of movement and they were working together. Carrie Ann does point out that the ins and outs of the lifts were not graceful, and she also snaps at Maks for smiling, which happens off camera so we don't see it. She obviously thought he was being a dick, and knowing Maks, he probably was. Hope tells Brooke that she thinks "they" wanted her off the show from day one. Oh, Jesus. Please let her get eliminated. I can't take this bullshit persecution complex she's got going. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Carrie Ann sounds PISSED. Hope and Maks are kind of ruining what should be a fun and funny show for me. Get over yourselves.
JR was raised by a single mom who told him to always keep smiling. He joined the Army to serve the country and get money for college. And then he was driving a Humvee while they hit a landmine. Afterwards, JR admits that he was really depressed because he didn't think he could ever be in a relationship because his face would scare people. His mom told him that someone would love him for what was inside. And he has a really hot girlfriend (who weirdly kind of looks like Cheryl). And JR thinks that positivity is his secret to success. I would agree with that. Very few people have been dealt such a hand, and even fewer have embraced the challenges and just gotten on with it. Get that, Hope? Still feel like whining about your scores?
Here's how good JR is; I can't tell which ankle he hurt. I was really trying to figure it out. There were maybe a few grimaces on his face, but he did all of the lifts and you couldn't tell. Now. That said, I thought the routine had too many lifts and not enough dancing. The dancing parts that were included were really good and I wanted to see more of that and less of Karina flying around the floor. Afterwards, JR looks like he's in a lot of pain. He doesn't smile at all, and for him, that's a big deal.
Bruno thought JR was strong and fearless and the lifts were incredible. Carrie Ann thought they were connected by passion while dancing, and she was impressed with the difficulty of their mounts and dismounts. Len liked the mood and intensity and thought it was a strong comeback. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
So what is Rob's sob story? He's young and inexperienced at life. And he was only sixteen when his dad died. Okay, that's legit sad. And I do feel like Rob is the least objectionable Kardashian, but that's not saying much. I really do believe that Rob has been changed by this experience. It would be great if he just told his family to fuck off and went out and did something on his own. We shall see.
Well, his posture wasn't perfect and he was still a little clompy. It wasn't the triumph that I thought it might be. It was, however, very good. Maybe not as flashy with the lifts as some others, but that's understandable. But he was acting like he did a few weeks ago in terms of performance and movement, and I was hoping for much greater improvement.
Carrie Ann thought there was no faking involved, because Rob had strong dancing and leading. Len thinks that Rob is finishing strong. Bruno thinks Rob looks like a leading man, handsome and in control. I will say that if he was leading that whole time, it's a lot more impressive. And Cheryl did let him shine instead of trying to choreograph around him. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Eh, maybe a little high.
Oof, I'm so over these sob stories. Anyway, Ricki was molested as a child, which explains a lot about her, actually. And she turned to food to protect herself, and eventually got the role in Hairspray. Then she lost weight and got the talk show, and then got divorced and had to start over. It's actually kind of amazing how many ups and downs she's had in her career and she's just north of forty.
Man, the tango is Ricki's dance. It's all about making shapes and being structured, and she's great at both of those things. I don't see a misstep. The only tiny flaw is when Derek is lifting her off a table and the mount into the lift looks a little awkward, but it could also be the camera angle. It's also not super sexy, but I've never thought Ricki and Derek had much chemistry. But the movements are superb, and I haven't been that impressed with Ricki so far. I think this was her best dance so far.
Len liked the contrast of movement between fast and slow and how the lifts were incorporated into the dance. Bruno thought the mood was spot-on and the dancing was fearless. Carrie Ann sees Ricki's core strength developing and now she has the passion and the pop. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Wow! I think that's deserved.
So all we have left is the cha cha relay. The order is determined by random choice, and each couple will dance one section of a song. The judges will award points: 10 to the top couple, then 8, 6, and 4 to the rest. So they all rehearse and I'm actually nervous that Hope and Maks will get the worst scores and be assholes. This is why they need to go home.
So the song starts and Ricki and Derek are first. They're fine. Nothing spectacular, but good. Hope is ; her problem in the cha cha is that she equates rotating her hips with actually moving her hips, and it throws her whole body off. JR and Karina are good but I really suspect that JR has a back injury that he's not disclosing. His posture can't be all due to his ankle. That doesn't make sense. Rob is actually really good. Like maybe the best. What is happening? Anyway, I would rank them from top to bottom: Rob, Ricki, JR, Hope. Let's see what the judges think.
Len says that the whole dance was good from top to bottom, and he thinks he will disagree with the other judges on who was the best. Bruno adds that the couples deserve accolades for doing three very different dances in one night, and doing them well. Carrie Ann loved to see them all doing the same dance right in a row, and she was surprised by who did well and who didn't, and they might be too. I'm guessing that's because Ricki and JR aren't getting the top spot.
The judges confer and determine how to award their points. After Brooke vamps horribly for a while, Len finally announces the results. From top to bottom, they are: Rob, Ricki, JR, and Hope. Hey, that's what I said! The judges actually agreed with me for once. They are getting smarter.
So here are your final tallies:
Ricki and Derek: 30 + 29 + 8 = 67
Rob and Cheryl: 28 + 27 + 10 = 65
JR and Karina: 23 + 27 + 6 = 56
Hope and Maks: 21 + 24 + 4 = 49