Welcome to the semifinals! Brooke is wearing something silvery and shiny with her hair down. I'm not digging the hair. Also, either she's tall or Tom is really short because I just realized they are the same height. I'm betting that Tom is short. They introduce the final four. Tom tells us about Kym's injury, in case you missed it on the billion gossip sites and Extra Hollywood Access type shows this week. Each couple has to do two dances, and then they will compete in a group cha cha. The winner will get an extra 15 points, which seems like a ticket to the finals, no?
Ralph and Karina are up first. As you may recall, Ralph's leg was practically broken last week and he competed with only half a leg. At least that's how I remember it. They start working on the salsa, and Ralph isn't getting the funkiness of it. Karina suggests that he wear butt pads, to enhance his butt. For real? Is that going to make a difference? Ralph also is doing the Argentine tango this week, which aggravates his half a leg problem, but he soldiers through. And their tango is first. They spend a lot of time in the beginning futzing about with chairs and a lamppost (don't ask), but once they go into hold, it's really great. Ralph's kicks might be a leeetle awkward, but his facial expressions are like a thousandfold improved, mostly because he doesn't have to smile with his awkward death rictus. The choreography is great; it actually reminds me of Derek and Jennifer Grey's acoustic tango from last season, which is one of my all-time favorites. Well done!
Judges? Len thought it was sharp and precise. Bruno thought the opening was good, but when they were in hold, it was a little too cold and detached. Carrie Ann is glad to see Ralph healthier, but she agrees with Bruno, and thinks that Ralph needs to take the emotion in his face and project it through his body. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 8. Pretty low scores for the semifinals.
Kirstie got her first 10 last week with her Argentine tango. Kristie admits that in rehearsal, she and Maks fight a lot but they always make up in the end. She also promises that she's eating and sleeping in a healthy way. She and Maks really do bicker a lot. I would find that so tiresome. But I guess the alternative is to just let Maks steamroller you, which is no good either. Anyway, their Viennese waltz is up first. Kirstie is really light on her feet, something I never noticed until this week. It's a great quality, especially for this routine. She also has incredibly graceful arm movements. The one flaw I saw in this routine was that Maks dipped her a few times and she doesn't have a lot of back flexibility, so it looked a bit stiff. It's the first time I've seen Kirstie's age in this competition. They do have SOME chemistry, though.
Bruno starts off by comparing Kristie to a ship, which isn't really a compliment? Ships are big. Carrie Ann thought the technique was fantastic, and she loves how Kirstie transforms the whole ballroom with her performance. Len thought Kirstie has great posture and beautiful, sweeping movements. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
Chelsea and Mark have three dances this week! No one else has that sort of pressure, right? Mark yells at Chelsea for not taking things seriously because she dares to giggle in rehearsals. Then he yells at her because he doesn't think she's working hard enough. I wish she would tell him to fuck off once in a while. Maybe she could get Kirstie to do it for her. Their Argentine tango is first. I think this is the same music that Derek and Jennifer had last season? I guess there's only so much tango music to go around. The beginning is flawless, but somewhere in the middle, they get a bit out of sync and I think Chelsea landed a little wrong after one of the lifts and had to do a stutter step to get back on the right footing. But man, Chelsea's got some legs on her! Where has she been hiding those things? I also love that, in heels, she's taller than Mark and his stupid spats. Overall, very good but a bit off in spots.
Carrie Ann thinks Chelsea is a great dancer, but she didn't think Chelsea's legs were sharp enough. Len agrees, but thinks that Chelsea's moves were clean and precise, and it was a great performance. Bruno has been champing at the bit to speak the whole time, and he finally explodes and calls Chelsea "Sharon Stone," and he thinks the leg moves were teasing and done on purpose. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 10. Those are some high scores for a dance they didn't love.
Hines and Kym are shown rehearsing and working on some seriously complicated lifts, because Kym figures she has to up the ante to compete in the semifinals. Hines expresses some concerns, because Kym is making him do lifts that she's never even done before. And then it happens. They're working on a move where Hines is standing and he's trying to flip Kym over or something? But while she is lying with her legs over her head (imagine sitting down and then rolling back and putting your feet over your head and touching the floor behind your head with them), Hines lands on her butt, effectively smashing her head and neck. It looks SO scary and Kym is rolling around on the floor in pain. Kym says that she can't feel her arms as Hines tries to put ice on the back of her neck and apologizes. Hines is understandably upset and feels at fault while Kym is worrying about losing practice time. An ambulance comes and loads Kym in on a stretcher. But clearly she's okay, because they're dancing the Argentine tango. That was kind of an abrupt transition from Hines sobbing in the rehearsal studio to their dance beginning. The best word I can use to describe their routine is smooth. The footwork isn't as complicated as some of the others, but it just looks smooth. There are a lot of lifts and you can tell Hines is making sure he doesn't drop her. When they finish, Hines and Kym are both crying. Oh, they're getting audience votes for sure.
Len thinks it was like watching a story unfold right before his eyes and he loved everything about it. Tom interrupts to shield Kym from the camera so that she can fix her dress since her boob was falling out. Actually, her pastie was falling out -- I rewound to see because I totally missed it. So no nipple was shown, sorry guys. Bruno saw the gamut of emotions and as he describes it, he practically strips naked and fondles himself. Oh, Bruno. Carrie Ann is really choked up and says she's really happy Kym is okay, and she's impressed with how Hines partnered and protected Kym throughout the routine. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. The first perfect score of the season.
Time for round two! In this round, the packages are all about what inspired each celebrity, and Ralph was inspired by his parents. They show a picture of Ralph at probably ten years old and he seriously looks the same. Ralph admits that his career hasn't been on fire recently, but he's been able to spend more time with his wife and children. But seriously, producers. He's got mouths to feed. Call him. Anyway, Ralph and Karina are doing the salsa. They're dressed in a very Scarface fashion, as Ralph is wearing a silk shirt and gold chains and Karina has the crazy Afro wig. Their dance is... okay. I can't point to anything technically (other than Ralph's ridiculous butt padding) but it doesn't seem fun. He seems grimly determined to act like he's having fun.
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Len thought it was too wild and there wasn't any rhythm. I agree. Bruno tells Ralph he was too rough with his pussy and they bleep it. Bruno tries to play it off like he was talking about Karina, who is wearing leopard print, but the audience boos and boos. That did seem a little harsh. I mean, Bruno had to have known how that would be taken. Even if he'd just said that Ralph was too rough with his pussycat Karina, I think it might have worked. Carrie Ann says that, oddly, she liked it, even if the technique wasn't quite there, and she thinks Ralph had a lot of fun. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. That's about right, but they are in trouble. Ralph is really emotional backstage. Tom makes a crack about Karina's wig coming from the Bert Lahr estate. He played the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz. Very few people under 50 got that joke. I did because I'm a nerd.
Where does Kirstie come from? She's a small town girl from Kansas. She admits that she did a lot of cocaine in her 20s, and she hit rock bottom and got cleaned up. She moved to Hollywood and found success, but then she got divorced and decided to just be a great mom, which meant cooking and baking. So she got fat. Because that's how people gain weight. They bake cookies every week. It has nothing to do with, you know, emotional eating or unresolved trauma or whatever. Her explanation seems a bit oversimplified, but I've always thought that Kirstie has some serious body image issues. Yes, I am a licensed therapist and I am diagnosing her based on her Oprah appearances and a few articles I read in various magazines. How dare you question me! Anyway, she's going to do the paso doble, and damned if she isn't going to wear a crazy headband while doing it. I wish someone would call Kirstie on the fact that she has the same Elvis sneer on her face through every dance. I find it very distracting. And I don't know what this paso doble is, but it's like none I've ever seen before. It kind of looks like a foxtrot or something. Very tame. Where is the aggression? The bullfighter and the cape? It's... not good. It didn't help that the song was "White Room" by Cream.
Bruno saw fire and power. Carrie Ann calls her the queen of the paso doble. Really? Len thinks Kirstie had the two toughest dances this week, and she did fabulous with both of them. Really? Seriously? I thought that was so boring. It was fine, technically, but boring. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
Let's look back on Chelsea's long life. She was a creative kid and she did drama camp. Then she auditioned for Jonas and got it. What a long, tough struggle. I'm so inspired. Anyway, they have the rumba. If anyone says the words "vertical expression of a horizontal desire," I'm throwing something through the TV. Chelsea looks great and I'm actually buying the sexiness for once. I don't love the choreography -- the routine doesn't feel finished, somehow. But it was a good rumba.
Carrie Ann loved everything about it. Len thought it was moody, and Chelsea's feet and legs looked good. He proclaims that Chelsea has fulfilled her potential. Bruno loved the shapes they made, and he thought it was stunning. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. I buy it. It wasn't the dance for me, but I think my Mark hatred is coloring my reactions.
And finally, let's learn about Hines's past. He was born in South Korea to an African-American father and a Korean mother. His mother left Korea because she knew there was a lot of discrimination against mixed children, and came to the U.S. Then his parents split up, so his mom had to work hard to give Hines the life she felt he deserved. Hines felt he didn't fit in, because of his racial makeup, but athletics finally gave him a home. He was drafted lower than people thought he might be, due to a knee problem, so he just worked hard and made it happen, and that's what he's tried to do on the dance floor. Their second dance tonight is the salsa. I don't know what this song is. It's terrible, or at least the house band's version of it is terrible. But Hines is having so much fun, that it's easy to overlook any small problems with the technique. And there aren't many anyway.
Len says he loved it, and it was a joyful experience. Bruno thinks Hines is a beautiful person and "supremely watchable." Carrie Ann thinks that Hines uses dance as self-expression. That's the difference between Hines and, say, Ralph. It feels organic with Hines, when he's on, but it feels like Ralph is doing a routine. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. That's two perfect scores. Wow.
Ralph and Karina kind of need this winner-take-all cha cha, don't they? So here's how it's going to work. Two couples will compete in a bracket-style tournament, and then the winners of each bracket compete for the fifteen points. Len explains that, in the past, some of the best dancers haven't made the finals due to lack of viewer voting. But this one is all decided by the judges, and will likely push the winner into the final.
So first up are Ralph and Karina versus Kym and Hines. Kym and Hines go first, and they look so natural. Hines isn't as smiley as usual, because I think he's concentrating on the steps more, but he looks smooth. Ralph and Karina, on the other hand...eesh. Ralph's arms are flailing around, and he has zero hip action. I know it's more dramatic if Ralph goes to the finals, but Hines should take this one easily. Len thinks Hines looked good, and Ralph clearly went full out. Bruno thinks Hines was solid and entertaining, and he thinks Ralph has raised his game. Carrie Ann thought Ralph had some game, but Hines's hips were in it to win it. All three judges vote for Hines and Kym to go through. Well, at least it's not fixed for drama.
up are Maks and Kirstie versus Chelsea and Mark. Chelsea and Mark are first, and they look good. There's a little glitch on a turn, but their ending is spot-on and really punctuates the routine. Kirstie and Maks are up . I'm pretty sure they just revive a piece of their original cha cha routine, and it seems way under rehearsed. Kirstie doesn't know where to put her arms and misses a few steps. This one's got to go to Chelsea and Mark. As an aside: can someone tell Mark that it's time he starts wearing big boy pants that go all the way to the ground? Those short pants with the colored socks are so smurfy. Bruno thinks Chelsea was clean and sharp, but Kirstie had great musicality. Carrie Ann agrees they are opposites, because Chelsea is sharp staccato, while Kirstie is sensual and voluptuous. Len thought Chelsea was clean and crisp, but Kirstie had good hip action and great rhythm. The judges claim it's a tough decision, and yet, all three vote for Chelsea and Mark.
The winners find out their song right now, and have only the commercial break to work out the routine. While Tom explains this, Maks is trying to distract Tom by touching and kissing him. That won't work, Maks. Tom is a professional. Oh. Oh, God. And then it gets so awkward that I actually had to fast forward through part of this because I wanted to throw up. So they go to Brooke, who is with the two couples. Each gets a song, and then Brooke is supposed to do a coin toss to determine who gets to decide the order. Except Brooke doesn't understand how coin tosses work. Hines calls tails, and heads come up, and Brooke is like, "Okay, Hines! First or second?" Hines tries to go with it and says they'll go second and then everyone is staring at each other and I'm covering my face with a pillow because it's TERRIBLE. Someone is obviously screaming at Brooke via headset. Why did they let Brooke do the coin toss! Finally Hines rescues the moment and Brooke realizes her mistake (or they told her via headset). Chelsea chooses to go second and everyone laughs to dissipate the awkwardness. Whew! I seriously broke out in flop sweat just watching. Ouch. Fire Brooke Burke.
So Hines and Kym are up first. They seem to revive pretty much the same routine from a few minutes ago, because why wouldn't you? There are a few new moves, but Hine
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s seems a lot less assured than he did the first time around. Mark clearly had, um, a Red Bull? Yeah, let's go with that. He also took time during the commercial break to reapply his eyeliner instead of rehearse. I seriously want to kick him in the face. I hate him. Anyway, they also do a very similar routine, except they add in a sliding between the legs move that looks a lot more jive or Lindy hop than cha cha. It was dumb to have them do the same dance twice in a row. Just have all four take turns moving to the center and dancing or something and make it one round.
Len calls Hines "Daddy Cool" and Chelsea "Little Miss Dynamite." Bruno thinks they both did incredibly well under difficult circumstances. Carrie Ann thinks this proves whether they are dancers or people doing choreography, and they are all dancers. Voting time! All three vote for Chelsea and Mark. That's fair. As much as I hate Mark, I can admit that they did better in that short routine. Well, I think it might be Ralph's week to go. I can't see him getting much better, to be honest. I think he peaked too early. Scores:
Chelsea and Mark: 28 + 30 + 15 = 73
Hines and Kym: 30 + 30 = 60
Kirstie and Maks: 27 + 27 = 54
Ralph and Karina: 25 + 23 = 48
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