Looks like I picked a good week to go on vacation, what with all that patriotic claptrap. The clips they just showed looked like a hot mess. Not that every week doesn't look like a hot mess. This week is Guilty Pleasures, and Hanson is here to kick things off with "Mmm Bop." I love this song and I kind of love grown-up Hanson, but the sound is terrible on this version. I can't hear anything. The vocals are turned up way too loud and you can't hear anything else but drums. Tony and Lacey come out to dance along, and they are soon joined by... I guess the pro troupe? I still don't recognize any of them. I like that oldest Hanson, and I dig that he always wears a suit nowadays. It does freak me out that all of these Hansons have like three kids each now, because they still seem like young men to me. Which I guess they are. But they're also dads. I see Lacey still hasn't dealt with that hair situation. That's a shame.
After a quick preview of tonight's show, they cut back to Tom and Brooke and I'm thinking, "Why are they still here? Shouldn't we be at a commercial?" And then they introduce the stars and pros. Oh yeah. They haven't come out yet. It feels like the show should be half over already.
Kirstie and Maks will be dancing first this week. They did well last week in that no one fell down or lost articles of clothing (by accident), but Kirstie wants higher scores. Her guilty pleasure is Britney Spears. So, Kirstie and Maks are probably doing it, right? I mean, why wouldn't they? Do we have a consensus on this yet? Maks has to give Kirstie a pep talk in rehearsals about not overthinking it and just feeling the dance, and she seems to improve. Will she be able to hold onto that feeling for the real dance for the judges? When the actual routine starts, she does well but not great. There is a lot of content in the first two-thirds of the dance and Kirstie handles it well, but then there's a long part where they just skip around the floor that I kind of hate. Overall, it was adequate but nothing to write home about and it didn't take advantage of their chemistry.
Judges? Len thinks Kirstie has never fulfilled her potential until now. Bruno thinks Kirstie made the dance look easy. Carrie Ann thinks that Kirstie, like Britney, is back. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Kirstie and Maks are thrilled beyond measure with the 9s.
Chris Jericho and Cheryl jumped to the top of the charts last week and they want to keep their momentum going. They are given "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey as their song. Really? I mean, I've always loved that song, but isn't it a little...over? As a guilty pleasure? Jericho feel pressure to improve every week and in rehearsals, he kind of snaps at Cheryl because he's having a lot of trouble getting his steps down. They start their routine, and Jericho is having a little trouble with the timing of the steps. It causes him to be a little too much up in his head for the rest of the routine. It is a weird song for a tango and has weird timing; I see why he's having trouble. His posture is great, though.
Bruno points out that Chris lost timing a lot and it showed on his face. Carrie Ann thinks Bruno is being harsh, but agrees that the dance wasn't any fun. Len thinks the others are crazy, as Jericho did really well in posture, footwork, and hold, even if he lacked a little intensity. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8 and Bruno 7.
Have I mentioned that Hanson is doing covers during the commercial breaks? They did "Hello" by Lionel Richie for the first one and "Achy Breaky Heart" during the second one. They are great. Eff the haters. Hanson rules.
Last week, Romeo was part of the three-way tie for second place. He put in a lot of hard work to do so, and wants to continue this upward trend. His guilty pleasure song is "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Romeo claims he admires Leonardo DiCaprio's character Jack from Titanic because he proves that anything's possible with love. Does he? Doesn't he prove that the bitch will let go of your hand and you will freeze? That's what I took away from that movie, anyway. I was so mad that she let go. Chelsie tells Romeo that, if he does everything she says, he will be on top of the leaderboard this week. Romeo promises to do it, and it seems like he's taking it pretty seriously in rehearsals.
For the actual routine, they have the waltz. There is a lot of mist on the dance floor. They really need to learn how to adjust their smoke machines. Romeo is actually very graceful, and the first half of the routine is great. I am shocked. Did he get a lot better in the week I took off or what? Then there's a little bobble at one point and you can see Romeo lose it a bit. When he gets nervous, he starts licking his lips. Watch for it. He's got the technique down now; he needs to do a bit more to get into character. But it was a lovely routine for the most part. Judges? Carrie Ann thinks it was magical. Len thinks Romeo is mature and Len is shocked that Romeo did so well with a slow and graceful routine. Bruno loved the poise, finesse, and attention to detail. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9 and Bruno 9.
Mark and Chelsea are part of the big block stuck in second place. The problem is that Chelsea isn't competitive. So Mark instigates a water fight? And this is going to help her find her competitive side? I don't know. They have the quickstep to "Walking on Sunshine." Okay, I don't get the conceit of this dance. They are two nerds? From the '50s? And they start dancing together? Anyway. It's a really complicated routine with a ton of content but, as usual, Mark outdances his partner and pulls focus. Chelsea just seems like an accessory.
Len says that it was full on and great fun. Bruno loves the zest in Chelsea's moves and he saw only a small bobble. Carrie Ann thinks this routine was magic as well. In their backstage interview, Brooke reveals that Mark twisted his ankle during dress rehearsals and they show the footage. It's pretty nasty. Mark decided to dance anyway. Was it worth it? Carrie Ann 10, Len 9 and Bruno 9. Tied for the top right now.
Kendra actually wore a top hat last week? And I missed it? And she smiled while dancing? And wore too much eyeliner? Okay, I don't care that I missed it. This week, they have the samba, and Louis thinks Kendra was made for this dance. He has to encourage her to let her hair down (literally, she takes her ponytail out) and shake her boobs and butt. This could be scary. Also, her hair looks like a caveman. Like seriously, what is that hair? It looks like she has a mop under her regular hair, and then extensions over that. It's bad. The dance is not great. She can definitely shake it, but it's a little manic-feeling and out of control. I'm not seeing a whole lot of samba in there; that typical samba bounce is missing. She finishes by shaking it on the judges' table, which I always hate, and Bruno waves some cash at her. I would say that's insulting, but she did used to be a stripper.
Carrie Ann thinks this dance was in Kendra's element, but she needs to work a little on her technique. Len thinks the spark started last week turned into a fire. Bruno calls it "Attack of the Killer Boobs" and acts like he wants Kendra to give him a lap dance? I think? And then Tom shows a clip from Elton John's "I'm Still Standing" video featuring a young, scantily-clad Bruno. I think they blurred out Bruno's crotch. Thank you for that, censors. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 9. Kendra looks like she expected a little higher. Or maybe she's already using Botox. She doesn't have a lot of expression in her face.
Hines took over the lead last week. This week, he has "End of the Road" and he confesses to Kym that he likes to sing it in the shower and pretend that the water is his fans. Hines shows how he practices his routines at night in his apartment and uses a pillow to be Kym. Hey, I have that same pillow in a different color scheme. It's from Target. I never said I was fancy. I have two cats, a dog and twins. And I spill things a lot. Anyway, their routine is nice, but not inspiring. Hines is more graceful than I thought he'd be, but he still has pancake hands and the whole thing feels a little bit more rushed than I'd like. There are a few really nice moments though, and he's getting better about inhabiting a character for the routine.
Len thinks that Hines is the MVP, and his routines are great every week, even if he's flat-footed. Bruno thinks they have flawless chemistry. Carrie Ann liked the performance, but she could see a look in Hines's eyes that seemed like he was thinking about the routine instead of performing. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9 and Bruno 9. So Carrie Ann wasn't too bothered by the problems she saw with overthinking, then.
What happened to Ralph Macchio, you guys? He did great the first two weeks and then he's fallen off ever since. Did the pressure get to him? Was he sad that we all thought he was wearing a wig when I've heard that's actually his real hair? Can he overcome whatever his problems have been tonight? Karina tries to find ways for Ralph to be sexy, and the solution she lands on is to have him do "wax on, wax off" moves? And then he has to dance to "Everybody Dance Now" and he's wearing a marching band jacket with long tails and... oh, it's not good. And then Karina trips over Ralph's leg which throws the whole thing off and it looks like they're fighting each other instead of dancing together. And the whole time Ralph has this look on his face like he's holding in a shit. What is happening? He looks like he's on coke or something; I don't think he really is, but he just seems overhyped. He needs to relax. It's really bad.
Tom compliments their recovery, which was good, but Ralph's face still looked awful. Bruno says that he started to feel the fire and intensity and he's encouraged. Carrie Ann knows it was tough to get back into it and she thought he did great. Len congratulates Ralph for getting Karina back into it instead of vice versa. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. I think that was overscored.
Hmm. I don't think Chris's dance was the worst of the night. I liked his routine better than Ralph or Kendra's routines. Can we please send Kendra and her frozen bitchface home this week? Please and thank you. Here are the scores:
Romeo and Chelsie: 28
Chelsea and Mark: 28
Hines and Kym: 27
Kirstie and Maks: 26
Kendra and Louis: 25
Ralph and Karina: 24
Chris and Cheryl: 22
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