Last week: Sugar Ray Leonard was punnily knocked out of the competition. This week's dances will "pledge allegiance to the mirror ball" (did I really just hear that?) with American-themed numbers, and it's anyone's guess who will shoot to the top in this schlockfest. As the eight remaining stars -- and stripes, har hars Tom -- parade down the red and blue stairs, the costumes are predictably spangled, striped, cowboy- and military-themed... and gay dance club? Thanks, Maks! You always keep it interesting. I'm sure there's a patriotic pun for Kirstie Alley falling on her ass somewhere in there. Brooke tells us tonight is also the occasion of the 1,000th competitive dance. Please let it be, Kirstie, please let it be Kirstie!
Without further ado, the competition kicks off with Ralph and Karina's cowboy chic samba. I never thought I'd write those three words in a sentence together. Perhaps they're going for gaucho couture? But first, last week, they wowed the judges with their waltz, earning a solid 25 points to land in third place. Ralph says the lack of a clear frontrunner makes him that much more focused, which he'll have to be doing a samba to "Sweet Home Alabama." Hopefully there will be a My Cousin Vinny shout-out. I'm sure Karina's a huge Joe Pesci fan. Ralph's biggest challenge is mastering the dreaded hip action, so Karina brings in a hula hoop for practice. Ralph hopes he can stay on top this week even though he's better at ballroom.
And now for the song that haunted this Birmingham native at every junior high dance. Ralph starts out pretty stiff, definitely not professional looking, but he gets the swing of things by the middle of the dance, and his enthusiasm is infectious. Bonus points for not knocking off his hat! At the end, he even does a double pirouette into a leap turn and lands on his knees. I just love me some Daniel Larusso. Len starts the judging, saying that some weeks Ralph is a contender, some weeks he's a pretender. This week was somewhere in between, but Ralph will be plagued by inconsistency and lack of natural rhythm. Boos from the crowd. Bruno thought the American elements like the line dance and two step were good, but the samba parts didn't set a "fire down below." Bruno thinks the element required in Latin dance is sex, then screams, "Give me sex, man!" Carrie Ann thought this crazy melting pot of a dance was appropriately American and calls it Ralph's most vivacious performance yet. On cue, he swivels his hips proudly. They head over for the scores. Carrie Ann awards them an 8, Len gives a 7, and Bruno scores them a 7 for a grand total of 22. Ralph admits that Latin dances are a challenge for him but promises to continue working and learning and maybe taking Bruno to dinner. Tom tells us that "Bruno doesn't just want dinner" as he throws to commercial.
up are Chris and Cheryl, who divided the judging panel with their paso doble last week. Chris vows to score better than a 7 from Len this week, and Cheryl says that technique is the way to do so well. They will be dancing a Viennese Waltz to "America, The Beautiful." Chris such a symbolic anthem is a lot of pressure and compares the spinning in the Viennese Waltz to the Gravitron at your average county fair.
Chris marches onto the stage in a navy uniform. He and Cheryl meet in the center, and she's wearing a red version of J. Lo's infamous Grammy dress, thankfully with a bra underneath. The arrangement is predictably riff-heavy and bombastic, but it's a simple dance but it shows what a strong partner Chris is. He has particularly lovely arm extension. There isn't much to criticize, save that maybe he's a little too smiley for a seemingly serious number. Oh yeah, and there are blazing sparklers going off on stage at the end as Chris and Cheryl hug like reunited lovers. Zoinks. Bruno calls it big yet graceful, strong yet delicate, elegant with a sweet sense of romance. In short, wonderful. Carrie Ann says they've underestimated Chris until now. Len starts off on a pervy note, commenting on Cheryl's exposed tee-tahs. He tells Chris it was a little bit flat-footed and that he'll get an 8 when he deserves one. This kind of makes me think he'll get an 8. Back in the red room, Chris is shocked that we're halfway through the competition and feels good about his dance. Carrie Ann awards them a 9, Len gives them an 8, and Bruno scores then a 9 for a total of 26 points -- Chris's highest score yet.
Petra and Dmitry are up . They topped the leader board two weeks ago and slayed it on their paso doble last week. Now it's a quick step to "Viva Las Vegas," a song that Petra has never heard because she grew up under the Communist regime of the Czech Republic. Dmitry's biggest criticism is that Petra is too bouncy. Before she takes the stage, she adds a coda, thanking America for all the opportunities she has gotten in this country. Alas, she does not say, "Thank you, thankyouverymuch."
Bring on the Elvis! The action starts with Dmitry at a craps table. Petra is a fancy lady walking by who grabs his attention. The song is slowed down and seems a little boring at first, then a little too fast for Petra in some of the later moments. Petra has overcompensated for her bouncy tendencies by stiffening up, which is not necessarily for the best. But she settles in eventually and by the end looks to be having fun. Especially when she gets to throw some chips in the air. Weeee! Carrie Ann says Petra has taken a step back -- she stumbled and wasn't musically in sync. Before Len can even speak, the crowd is booing. He thinks Petra coped well enough, though her head sometimes lists to the left. He tells her she has potential. Bruno disagrees with the other judges. He thinks, considering the difficulty of the dance, Petra was like "the golden goddess of Spain." She has "lines that could rival Ferrari, Maserati, and Lamborghini all together." He thought the handling was sometimes dodgy, but the quality was overall very good. In the red room, Petra admits she was distracted and is disappointed in herself but still thanks America for the support. Score time: Carrie Ann awards them a 7, Len follows suit, and Bruno scores them an 8, for a total of 22 points.
Now it's Romeo's turn, who showed off his six pack and speared Chelsie last week during their paso doble. Romeo acknowledges that he's already doing way better than his father did on the paso doble, getting a 23 to Master P's 8. I believe that's a record low score. Romeo says he doesn't just want to beat his father, he wants to clinch the mirror ball. But will this youngster's swagger go '60s for the fox trot? Posture could be a problem.
The couple is dancing to "New York, New York" in classic white tie and tails/satin swirly dress combo a la Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. It's plenty proficient, save for a part where Romeo gets a little off on rhythm, but does it deserve to be on top? I wouldn't say so. It's clearly middle of the road material, choreography-wise. Right now he's good, not best. Len appreciated the control and flair of the performance but thinks there's room for improvement. Bruno liked the swagger, spunk, and full flavor. He thought it was the cheekiest fox trot he's ever seen while retaining the style of the fox trot. Carrie Ann agrees that it was suitably cool for Romeo himself. In the red room, Romeo says he appreciates the judges' toughness and dedicates his dance to a friend's mother who will be watching him from the hospital now that she's been diagnosed with cancer. And now for the scores: Carrie Ann awards them a 9, Len gives an 8, and Bruno scores them a 9 for a total of 26. They're now tied for the lead with Chris and Cheryl. Romeo says it shows God works in mysterious ways, whatever that means.
Taking the floor now are Hines and Kym, who dropped to second place with last week's paso doble but have scored the most points over all this season. After their success last week, Kym asks if Hines has a sexy, smoldering side. He laughs, "No, not really." They'll be dancing a rumba to "Proud To Be an American," and Hines is determined to beat Ralph's benchmark for this style of dance. Hines' biggest issue is that he is less gentle and more Cro-Magnon. He'll have to work on being delicate with Kym.
The number is a riff on An Officer and a Gentleman, with Hines in the white uniform Richard Gere donned all those years ago. Despite the schmaltzstravaganza, the number is energetic where it needs to be. Hines is a strong partner, keeping his frame when Kym needs him to, and luckily the music blares loud enough that you can't hear the thud when he drops her to the ground. I'm just guessing it's no coincidence that Kym is wearing a long skirt that covers her fall leg tonight. Bruno thought it displayed ease of movement, musicality, and sensuality, and that the ladies must be swooning. Carrie Ann thinks Hines makes dancing look easy and especially compliments his hip action. Len wouldn't go that far, but he does say that Hines is a natural. He says it was Hines' best dance so far. In the red room, Hines explains the he was "making pillow love" this week, a.k.a. practicing with his pillow. He thinks they did a good job considering how unromantic their practices were. And as for the scores, Carrie Ann awards them a 9, Len also gives them a 9, and Bruno jumps on the bandwagon, giving them a total of 27 points and putting them in first place.
Following that act is Kirstie, who will sadly not be the 1,000th dance. But she will be the "American Woman" in their fox trot. Given the last two weeks' mishaps, Kirstie decides to bring in a dance doctor. And by "dance doctor," we mean John Travolta. He tells them they're both great, but Maks should not lug around Kirstie for so long, and Kirstie should not wear Manolo Blahniks in competition. He also thinks they should become romantically involved so the audience will believe the backstory. Then he watches them dance, and Maks is in really tight white pants and the lowest V-neck you've ever seen. Oh, Maks.
So the first part of the entire dance is Maks ripping off his shirt, which I'm sure was a suggestion from Dance Doctor Travolta. Then he and Kirstie spend about 30 seconds respectively walking around the floor and writhing on the stage. Maks has also taken the liberty of putting an American flag decal on his torso. Oh dear. The dance is about what you'd expect, especially given that this is a terrible song for a fox trot. But they get through it, and no one lobs off an appendage, which would be the natural escalation of their catastrophic trend from the performances. As they head for judgment, we see that Kelly Preston is in the audience. Maks peacocks and shows off his horrible fake flag tattoo. Carrie Ann calls it "bold, ambitious, borderline crazy" and magical. She says it was their best dance ever. Len compliments them for the use of basic steps but admits it wasn't his cup of tea. Boos from the crowd. Bruno says he loved it and inquires whether Maks, "the Russian gigolo," is taking direct bookings. Maks says, "I'm expensive." Bruno shoots back, "I can afford it." Back in the red room, Kirstie acknowledges she's relieved that nothing went awry and said Maks' costume (or lack thereof) was inspired by the likes of Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix. Score-wise, Carrie Ann awards them an 8, Len gives them a 7, and Bruno scores them an 8 for a total of 23. Hi-ya, Macchio! Eat it and weep, Nemcova!
Kendra and Louis take the stage . After a faltering Viennese Waltz, Kendra is hoping to regain her confidence and get back to the top of the leader board. She took particular offense to Carrie Ann's comment that she was "afraid of elegance." She thinks it made her seem like trash, then says unironically, "I'm not a-fuckin'-fraid of elegance!" That said, Kendra says she will use her fox trot to "Yankee Doodle" as a fresh start. It's also a start of sorts for the show, because it's the 1,000th dance. Sirens go off, streamers fly to the ground, and Tom says, "We're nothing if not understated." Luckily, we go to commercial so they can sweep the floor.
When we get back, Kendra and Louis are both dressed in variations on Uncle Sam. They march in proudly, then do lots more marching. There isn't much fox trot if we're being honest, and Kendra flubs one of the faster rhythm sequences, but it's overall energetic and cute. Will cute cut it? Len compliments Kendra for having fun and doing much better than last week. Bruno says it was "sweet as apple pie" but thinks it's still obvious that Kendra is thinking and not in the moment. Carrie Ann disagrees and compliments herself for inspiring Kendra to fight her way back to the top this week. In the red room, Kendra says she took Carrie Ann's comment so hard because she was on her period. Seriously, she said that. With that... Carrie awards them an 8, Len gives them a 7, and Bruno scores them a 7 for 22 points and a respectable tie for last place.
Chelsea and Mark will round out the night, hoping to stay on top after their magical Harry Potter waltz last week. Chelsea is psyched to dance the samba to Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA," but the challenging technique gets the best of her early in rehearsals. She hopes to prove that her high scores last week were no accident.
The scenario for their dance is a gas station romance, which I think is about as Cyrus-appropriate as you can get. Chelsea is wearing a spangled vest crop top with low-rider red-and-white striped fringe pants. I think Britney Spears may have worn this very get-up circa Crossroads. The dance is fun and has just enough hooch, but I must admit I'm too busy hating everything that is Miley Cyrus to really be objective. So I'll just pass it over to the judges. Bruno thinks it was the best of both worlds -- the positive energy of America and the sizzle of Brazil. He says it was clean and tight. Carrie Ann thinks the moves were matched perfectly between the partners. Len thinks it was a real party, and not the Tupperware kind. But how did they score? Carrie Ann awards them a 9, Len gives them an 8, and Bruno scores them a 9, earning them 26 points and landing them in a three-way tie for second place.
To recap:
Hines and Kym: 27
Chris and Cheryl: 26
Romeo and Chelsie: 26
Chelsea and Mark: 26
Kirstie and Maks: 23
Ralph and Karina: 22
Petra and Dmitry: 22
Kendra and Louis: 22
Tomorrow's special guest is Toby Keith because it's the American way to put a boot in your ass.