You know, last week I was all, "This season was exactly the right length. Like I'm just about sick of this show, but not totally over it yet. Good job, show!" And then Bristol happened. And then the media (and the forums) went crazy with the ABC voting scandal and the death threats and the mysterious powder and blah blah blah and now I wish the season had ended like a month ago. But perhaps you don't feel that way, so let's get on with it, shall we?
Anyway, it's been twelve looooooong weeks, with tears and yelling and bruised egos, and that's just in my household. But on the show as well. Hey, look at Brooke with the fancy finale straight hair. I dig it. She's also mastered the "tuck microphone into armpit and clap" maneuver, so at least she learned something this season. Tom introduces the three final couples. Derek is barely wearing clothes. I feel like he's not usually one to bare his chest, unlike Mark or Maks. And seeing him, I get why. He's got a great body but he's not as buff as the other two. I kind of prefer the skinnier look myself, but that's me. Wow, is Lacey's dress unflattering. It's got cutouts in all the wrong places. HD is not a friend to her in that dress.
The first dance tonight is a Redemption Dance, where the couples redo a routine that the judges felt they should have done better. The second dance tonight will be the freestyle, which Tom claims produces memorable dances, but is usually my least favorite routine of the season. I don't know if it's because the pros aren't used to choreographing without the limitations of a particular style or what, but I find the freestyles are generally the worst.
The first couple to do their Redemption Dance is Kyle and Lacey, who will be doing the Foxtrot. Their first foxtrot was the '70s Charlie's Angels version that I liked, even if it wasn't much of a foxtrot, but Len hated. So Len comes to visit them in rehearsals. Kyle is happy to see him, because Len is a stickler for the rules, and Kyle figures that if he can make Len happy, everyone will be happy. Len gives him some pointers, but nothing dramatic, because it's Kyle and nothing dramatic ever happens in his rehearsals. Thank God. I'm more fascinated by the selective tiling of Kyle's T-shirt. It has some sort of writing on it -- I don't know if it's a brand name or what -- so they tile it out. But only when it's shown head-on. So from the side, there's writing on his shirt, and then he turns to the front, and suddenly there's a red box on his chest. It's really fascinating. Sad that I'm more interested in that than his dancing, though.
This foxtrot appears to be much more traditional based on the costumes. It's freaking me out because the band is hidden behind a curtain and it makes the stage look totally different and really high school auditorium-ish. Anyway, I think I just don't like the foxtrot. It always feels too slow to me, somehow. Near the end, Kyle and Lacey break hold and that is easily the best part of the dance, and the only part where Kyle gets to show his famed personality and charisma. I liked that part. The rest of it was okay. Well done, but boring. Luckily, they came on strong at the end. Um, is Omarosa sitting with Kyle's family? And if so, why?
Len goes first and says that the foxtrot is very difficult to master, and this was a huge improvement over their first effort, even though it wasn't perfect. Bruno also compliments the improvement in technique. Carrie Ann thought that during the first half, Kyle was a little in his head and not performing as he usually does. I thought so too, Carrie Ann! You and me, girl. Backstage, I find it interesting that Mark and Bristol are sitting nowhere near one another. Hmm. Maybe Mark heard about the death threats. Oh, it's because the producers wanted a shot of Bristol and Jennifer together for the bumper to commercial. Sigh. And here I was hoping for a good conspiracy theory. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Kyle is psyched, probably because he knows that this was not his strongest routine.
Bristol and Mark are up . Dear Lord, please spare me the rehearsal package where Bristol talks about how haters gonna hate, because I am so sick of it. Rise above, girl. It's the only way to live. Anyway, Bristol makes her case that she deserves to be there, but she doesn't need to make a case. She's there. Deal with it. Anyway, her Redemption Dance is the jive, which was her ill-fated gorilla dance. Bruno comes into rehearsals and tries to get Bristol to break out of her shell but all she does is giggle like a little girl. Look, the problem with her jive last time (other than the gorilla costumes, which weren't her fault) was that she blanked on the steps and doesn't have enough experience to get back into it after something like that. If she can remember the steps, I'm sure her technique will be fine. The jive seems like the easiest dance to do in terms of getting the technique down because it's the most like a regular dance anyone would do. I've seen my parents' friends jiving at weddings. There is the stamina part, which would be tough, but it's not like the Latin dances that feature completely unfamiliar movements and hip action, right?
Here's a shocker: they are wearing '50s costumes. And Mark is wearing short pants and glittery socks. Okay, so the storyline of the dance is that Bristol is sick of Mark's bullshit; she starts the dance by dumping a suitcase with the gorilla suits on the floor and the song is called "Move Right Out of My Life." And I will say, to Bristol's credit, that she is more animated in this routine than I've ever seen her. She's trying. But it's hardly a jive. I don't know if she doesn't have the stamina, or she can't remember the steps, but her feet are barely leaving the floor when she's supposed to be kicking and flicking, and Mark's overly enthusiastic dancing just makes hers look worse in comparison. And there are a lot of non-jive moves in there: shoulder shimmies, and a lot of pointing and walking around. A jive should be high energy and the performers should be exhausted afterwards. Bristol looks like she's hardly breaking a sweat. And the ending is the worst. Instead of pulling Bristol through his legs in a typical jive move, Mark puts her on the floor and then walks backwards over her, like she's too heavy for him to move. Oof. If this was supposed to be the routine that was going to convince all the haters that Bristol Palin can dance as well as Kyle and Jennifer, well, it failed. I only hope the judges don't overscore her too much. Anything over an 8 is a gift.
Bruno loved that she revealed herself and had a good time. Nothing about her technique. Carrie Ann loved that she performed it, and her top half was great, although she points out that her toes weren't totally pointed. Len thinks it was a vast improvement, but that's not saying much, since the first jive was horrible. And frankly, the judges are being really nice to her especially after she was so bitchy about the few times they have been critical of her. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. You are fucking kidding. YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME. That is horseshit. And they don't even look that excited. I wonder if the judges are planning to give everyone the same scores and let the public decide. At least then, people can't claim that the judges were in on the fix. But seriously. I am legit pissed off.
The final couple to perform their Redemption Dance is Jennifer and Derek. They got two perfect scores last week, which were not deserved in my opinion. Their Redemption Dance is the paso doble, which is the week that Jennifer was all over the place and out of control. Carrie Ann comes in to their rehearsal and seems to give some really good constructive criticism about the shapes that Jennifer makes with her arms and head and neck. Seriously, if I understood what Carrie Ann wanted, and immediately saw the improvement in Jennifer, it must have been good. I feel like Carrie Ann gets shit on sometimes because she doesn't have Len's background and yet often criticizes technique; I hope this helps people realize that she does actually know what she's talking about sometimes.
Their paso starts out really great and Jennifer does make some beautiful shapes. There seems to be a problem with a handhold near the halfway point and Jennifer seems a little thrown for a minute, but she gets back into it. But then the final third seems to be just Derek jumping around and twirling while Jennifer stand there and looks pretty. I get that this is supposed to be a bullfight and Derek is the bullfighter, but it seemed to crap out at the end. Regardless, I don't know how anyone could say that Jennifer isn't the best dancer of the three finalists. You can argue that the show isn't about awarding the best dancer with the trophy, but she is clearly the best dancer, even in routines like this one, which seemed a little light on content. I expect more from a finale.
Carrie Ann calls it "the meaning of redemption" and the two of them have a little perimenopausal moment. Len liked the mix of emotions, and he actually stands up and gives them a standing ovation. Wow. I've never seen Len do that, have I? Bruno does his usual dramatic interpretation of their routine and everyone laughs. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Bruno says that he wishes he had an 11. I wonder if people will end up voting for Kyle because they're sick of the perfect scores for not-so-perfect dances. Or maybe I'm the only one who thought that wasn't perfect. Jennifer gives Brooke multiple kisses on the shoulder. Seriously, I don't know what Jennifer is on for her "pain" but I want some.
What do some former contestants think about the freestyle? Apolo advises getting the audience so into it that what the judges say doesn't matter. Drew Lachey wants the dancers to be unique, which is easy for him to say, since he was on an early season. Then they talk about the lifts, and how dangerous and scary they can be, but they also make or break the dance. They show clips from Marie Osmond's Doll Dance, which was so horrible. I don't think I appreciated at the time how bizarre that whole thing was. You guys, she dressed up like a giant doll and then danced like a doll come to life. What happened? Why would Jonathan allow that to happen? Is that why he's so rarely on the show these days?
Kyle and Lacey are the first to do their freestyle. Lacey gives Kyle the accepted conventional wisdom that the couple with the best freestyle usually wins the competition. They are obviously doing an old-school hip-hop routine. Well, maybe not obviously, but if you had guessed what they would do, isn't that what you would have guessed? Wow, I don't even know where to start with the verb tenses in that sentence.
Kyle is dressed like a reject from the opening credits of Fresh Prince. Are they going to do The Carlton? They're dancing to "Tootsie Roll." And it's really entertaining, but I don't see that much of Kyle's fun personality. It's filled with content, and he seems exhausted and not smiling and goofy, like usual. But man, is there a lot of dancing in that routine. No awe-inspiring lifts, but there are flips and a really poorly-executed worm. It was fun and it was exactly what I expected. I did not expect Lacey to wear really high-waisted Daisy Dukes, though.
Len thought Kyle did what was comfortable and entertaining, and even though Len is "not a fan of the boogaloo dancing" (Thas raycess!), he liked it. Bruno says something nonsensical, but Carrie Ann, former Fly Girl, totally gets it, and she loved it. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. Aw. Good for them.
Mark chooses to do a Chicago-themed routine even though Bristol has never seen or heard of Chicago or seen a Broadway show. So rent the movie? Is that a crazy idea? Anyway, Bristol has her little meltdown where she talks about the haters and blah blee bloo, but then she gets her little bowler hat and she's into it!
So, okay. I really wanted this to be horrible. And it's not horrible. There's not a whole lot of dancing, though. She starts out in a jail cell/cage, and I give her credit for going all out. Then it's a lot of running around and playing tug-of-war with a long pink scarf and then they get tied up together and then she ties up Mark and throws him in jail. I mean, it fits the song, and the story of the show/movie, but I just wish there were more actual dancing. Bristol does show flashes of personality, and if you look back at her early routines, she has come a long way in terms of committing to the dance and showing some spunk instead of just being blank-faced. Of course, that should have happened in week three or four instead of the finale, because it's totally mental and has nothing to do with dancing ability. It's frustrating because she's not SO bad that you just laugh at her. She's not Kate Gosselin. But she shouldn't be in the finals. And yet, I was compelled to watch.
Bruno thinks she aimed high, but the song requires a lot of sexual tension and passion that didn't come through. Carrie Ann gives her credit for dancing in the cage at the beginning, but it's an iconic dance. Len says if you looked at her routine on its own, and didn't compare to the movie or stage production, it was fantastic. The thing is, it's not her fault. She has no idea that it's an iconic dance. Mark should feel like crap right now. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 8. Tom makes a funny going to commercial when he notes that Bruno asked if they need the cage after the show. The judges get a BIG KICK out of that.
So Jennifer and Derek work on their freestyle. Jennifer is worried about doing trick and flips due to her neck issues. And given what we've seen so far, they don't need the tricks because none of the other dancers have done too much in terms of tricks, mostly because I don't think Kyle can lift Lacey or Mark can lift Bristol.
So Jennifer finally played the Dirty Dancing card, and I'm so glad that she did it like this instead of doing the "Time of My Life" routine with the lift at the end. They are dancing to "Do You Love Me?" and she starts out with a watermelon, which is still my favorite line to say in awkward situations: "I carried a watermelon." Try it at your business meeting or office party. People will think you are nuts. Anyway, they do a ton of lifts and tricks, so many I can't even detail them all, but I will say that they both hop up on the judges' table and then Derek dirty dances with Jennifer and it's seriously freaking me out that his arms are the only thing keeping her from doing a header like eight feet to the floor. And then they do this spin I can't even describe, but I've never seen it done before. The whole thing is really amazing and I don't know if it was the best dancing of the night, but it was the most show-stopping for sure.
The audience goes nuts and Carrie Ann just yells that it was amazing and perfect. Len thinks Jennifer is consistent and persistent, and she's clearly his pick to win. Bruno is impressed by her versatility and brilliance. The judges have made their choice clear. I will admit, I voted for them, so at least if someone besides Jennifer wins tomorrow night, I will have earned the right to complain. As Derek and Jennifer wait for their scores, you can see Kyle in the background looking really sad. Aw. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. No surprise. Jennifer says that she didn't dance to "Time of My Life" because that was her dance with Patrick and she wanted to keep it that way and instead do something fresh with Derek. I admire that; this show is so corny that they would have loved if she had done "Time of My Life" instead, I'm sure. You may think, "No, that's too cheesy." And I would say, "Have you seen this show? Ever?
So that's it for tonight! Two more dances tomorrow night and then the winner is crowned. Please don't be Bristol. Please, don't be Bristol. Thank you. Scores:
Jennifer and Derek: 30 + 30 = 60
Kyle and Lacey: 27 + 29 = 56
Bristol and Mark: 27 + 25 = 52