I'm just going to skip over the political updates, because it's not part of what I'm paid to recap. I do think it's weird that they are inserting it in the middle of the show. But it's less that I have to write about, although I probably just used the same amount of words explaining why I'm not writing about it. DAMMIT.
Len starts out by asking to see Team Apolo's routine again. I didn't think it was exactly head and shoulders above the other team, but whatever. I do love Anna, and since Kurt probably won't make it much further, it's yet another chance to see her dance. I hate when Maks does that move where he pulls up his pant leg with one hand. And did Derek and Jennifer change their choreography from last night? It seems flashier to me. I like it. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I was feeling really sick last night, so I may have blacked out during certain portions of the evening. I don't think I missed anything important, but it may have caused me to hate every single routine last night. Although I remember liking Brooke's dress.
Last night, Brandy was really nervous because this is LIFE OR DEATH. Maks encouraged her to have fun. They're putting microphones on the dancers this season, although they haven't used the footage all that much. But it lets us hear Brandy grunt when she makes a mistake, and we also get to hear how encouraging Maks is while they are waiting for their scores. So despite my misgivings about their partnership, at least on show night, Maks is really supportive. Then again, he knew he was miked. See? Why do I have to ruin it? Mark is also miked, and we get to hear him tell Bristol to go over the top with her performance. That was her going over the top? Eesh. After the routine, Bristol has a breakdown because she's tired and she says that she wants to go home. To see her boy? I thought he came to LA with her? I'm confused.
Time for the important voting results. No, not for a Senate race. For this show. Duh! Brandy and Maks are safe. Bristol and Mark are still in jeopardy. Good thing they did that one first, because it was the most obvious.
Ooh, I like this idea: The Dancing with the Stars Awards. I hope someone clever came up with them. The first is Most Dramatic Moment. The nominees are Christian's Arm Injury, Kate and Tony's Fight, Misty May's Injury, Marie Osmond's Collapse, and Kelly's Wardrobe Malfunction. I'm going to vote for Marie's collapse. And it's the winner! It really was dramatic, whether it was real or fake. I just remember thinking that I just saw someone die for real on television. Marie accepts from her show in Vegas. Man, her wig is terrible. She jokingly thanks Jonathan for not catching her. Girl, Jonathan put up with a lot from you. I hope you did thank him for real.
Ooh, a song from the Broadway production of Mary Poppins. And it's "Step In Time," my favorite. My nephew had a Poppins obsession for a while and I've seen it many, many, MANY times. Mmm, this number isn't doing it for me. Maybe my expectations were too high. And people are way too excited by Mary Poppins floating overhead. And the lady playing Mary Poppins is freaking me out. And I miss Dick Van Dyke. The end.
Here's Taylor Swift. All of her songs kind of sound the same to me. Dancing to her song are Tony and Lacey, and Dmitry and Chelsie. Well, at least we know Taylor is singing live, because she's off-key. I don't think I've ever heard her sound good when she sings live. Can she really sing? Do we know this? Because I've never heard her stay in tune. Ever. And I've seen her perform live on television quite a bit. I think she might be overrated. Sorry, Taylor Swift fans. And I also kind of hate her hair. But she does write her own songs, so I do admire that. There, I said something nice.
Time for another award -- this is for Best Worst Dancer. And the nominees are Kenny Mayne, Master P, Kate Gosselin, Steve Wozniak and Billy Ray Cyrus. Aw, he's getting a divorce, y'all. Don't pick. He was bad, though. I think this award should go to someone who tried, because it's Best Worst Dancer. Otherwise, Master P would run away with it. And the winner is Kenny Mayne. Yay! Although Tucker Carlson should probably have been involved. Kenny comes out and jokes that in 30 years, people will look back and realize that he was an innovator. Plus, DanceCenter week. They should invite Adam Carolla to help out, because the last few seasons' installments have been weak.
Brooke is backstage with Jennifer and Rick. Jennifer promises that her body isn't going anywhere, despite what it looked like last night. And Rick is psyched to get his best scores ever last night.
Is Rick getting weird looking? Like I remember when he was on Oz, and I thought he was quite handsome. But now he just looks strange. I don't know if he's lost too much weight, or he's had work done, but his face looks really drawn and Joker-like. And after her dance last night, Jennifer whined that she needed a shot in her hip. I mean, I don't doubt that she is in pain. I can barely get down on the floor to play with my babies, and I'm more than ten years younger than she is. But I don't complain about it all the time. Anyway, Jennifer and Derek are safe, and Rick and Cheryl are still in jeopardy. When Brooke announces that, there's some weird audio of someone laughing and saying, "Thank you, Brooke!" Who was that?
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It's another award! This is Biggest Dancer Transformation. The nominees are Derek, whose hair has gotten blonder, Tony, whose teeth are bigger and whiter, Maks, who cut his terrible hair, Mark, who used to be scrawny, and Louis, who had flowing golden locks. And the winner is Louis! He looks about a billion times better. Although I do think Maks was the biggest transformation, both in looks and in attitude. I hated him, and now I mostly like him.
Rod Stewart is a hundred years old and still fathering children. Anyway, he's here to sing "I Get A Kick Out of You." He's kind of turned into Tony Bennett vocally. And he looks like Barry Manilow. Damien and Peta (who I think is his girlfriend/fiancée/wife?) come out to dance. They are lovely. Rod is not lovely.
It's the award for Best Judge's Moment. Except they basically just show highlight videos of each judge, so it's not really a moment, is it? It does just show how boring this show would be without Bruno, though. Oh, there was no award. It really was just a highlight reel.
Last night, Kyle and Lacey were thrilled that the judges thought he was sexy, since that was their goal. Meanwhile, Kurt and Anna did a prayer before the dance and bickered afterwards, but in kind of a hilarious way. I love their partnership. Anyway, what's the deal with these two? Kurt and Anna are safe. Yay! I really think Kurt deserves to stay more than stupid Bristol. And Kyle and Lacey are in jeopardy, which Lacey finds hilarious. Look, she doesn't have to cry, but she could pretend she cares. I know I say that every week.
Taylor Swift is back, and instead of live dancers, they are showing highlights of all 200 episodes on a screen behind her. And Taylor is still flat. Can she not hear herself? She is really tall, though. So she's got that going for her, which is nice. I also just realized that she has almost no forehead. At the end of her song, Tom fake faints, and then they introduce the concept of the Instant Dance, which will take place week. They will know what kind of routine they are doing, but they won't find out their song until the night of the show. I hope Bristol doesn't have to do that. It will be awful. Then again, I was worried about her learning two routines, and that takes care of that problem.
Then there's a clip package about how stressful it is to be on the show. Here's a news flash: it's stressful.
The three couples already revealed to be in jeopardy are out on the stage. Is it time to tell us who's going home already? Anyway, just as a refresher, it's Kyle and Lacey, Rick and Cheryl, and Bristol and Mark. Brooke is going to tell us who is safe. And it is...Bristol and Mark. Mark nearly has a heart attack. They definitely thought they were going home. I think everyone else did as well.
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Holy shit, Sean Young is doing Skating With the Stars? She is batshit crazy. And she's going to break a hip. This is going to be AWESOME.
Finally, we're back to find out who is going home. I'm just sad it's not Bristol. And going home is... Rick and Cheryl. Well, he wasn't that great. And he was starting to creep me out. Better that he leave now while I still have a good feeling about him. Len and Carrie Ann look stunned. As we watch Rick's clip package, all I can think about is how much better Cheryl looks than she did when the show started. I wish they had done biggest female dancer transformation, but I guess some might find that mean-spirited. I would vote for Cheryl. Anyway, goodbye Rick!
Check out what former competitor Erin Andrews thought of this week's performances.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see who we think will win!
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