Hey, it's the big 200th episode! Where they're going to bring back past contestants! And hopefully show some of the older routines, so I can figure out if they really were better or if I've just become jaded. Brooke actually has a really pretty dress on tonight. It's not a bandage dress.
The first routine is all of the pros who have been on the show (or at least the ones that would come back) dancing to the first song from the first episode -- "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce. I totally remember this! I also do not recognize some of these pros. It's Tony and Chelsie and Louis and Karina first. Then Kym and Dmitry and Blonde Anna with Jonathan. Then it's someone I don't recognize -- Elena, maybe? With Fabian? And Ashly with someone so short that I can't see him, so it must be Corky. Do you think Edyta will come back? And Alec? And Julianne? This is kind of exciting. Damn, Louis and Tony do this thing where they THROW Chelsie over Karina, and it was pretty awesome.
Time for the round of pros to come out, and it looks like Cheryl, Redhead Anna, and Maks. Then it's Lacey and Derek and Mark. Well, we know who the stars of the show are, huh? Or are those just the pros that are still in it this season? I guess that's more likely. They do this awesome circle dance with the women rotating to different partners around the outside, and then finish up dancing in a pyramid formatting with Louis at the point in front. Good job, pros. They have a really hard job and don't get the recognition. Think about something you're pretty good it. Now think about having to teach someone else to do it, someone that probably has little to no prior experience. Now try to make that person an expert in a week. Now do it on national television. So there you go. Also, all of those people I was asking about earlier? None of them came back.
And then I don't know what happens, but the camera is focused on the dance floor while the pros walk off and then weirdly on the audience clapping for way too long because it finally goes back to Tom. Usually this show is well-directed (at least it ends on time each week, Idol), but that was wacky. So they're going to introduce stars from various seasons who have returned (i.e. who was most desperate for some publicity). First up are the stars from season one, and it's only Trista and John O'Hurley. Granted, it was a smaller season but that's pathetic. And I really want to see Joey McIntyre dance again. He was my favorite. From the second season, we have Tia Carrere, Stacy Keibler, Lisa Rinna (of course), and Giselle Fernandez, who I forgot existed. Season three has Harry Hamlin, Joey Lawrence, and some lady in the middle that I seriously cannot identify. I'm looking at the list of contestants and I have no clue. They're also sitting right to Season Five and I get all mixed up. Bad lighting, people. The spotlight was on Jane Seymour and I was like, "She wasn't on that season!"
Season four was a joke -- John Ratzenberger made it halfway? Anyway, he's there along with Shandi Finnessey (I think that's who that is). Okay, now they go to Season Five and it's Cameron Mathison, Jane Seymour, Sabrina Bryan (again, I think -- she's dyed her hair) and possibly Josie Maran? She's wearing a hat. This sucks. Apparently no one from season six showed up, so they move right on to season seven, and it's Jeff Ross, Lance Bass, and Warren Sapp (and obviously Brooke Burke is there as well). From Season Eight, they have Ty and Melissa. And from Season Nine, they have Donny Osmond, Michael Irvin, Chuck Liddell, and Kathy Ireland. Oh, wait, and also Louie Vito who is so short that I couldn't see him because he's standing behind DONNY OSMOND! Who is tiny himself. And also Ashley Hamilton, who I didn't recognize as a contestant. And FINALLY, it's Season Ten's representatives, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, and Jake Pavelka.
I'm going to assume that there are more people there from each season, but they are being judges as promoed last week. Because the winners from each season were missing, right? That was also really poorly produced, as the contestants looked confused as to which camera they should be looking at, and what they should do.
So they are doing something with teams this week. I am all out of sorts. This is confusing. Anyway, Kristi Yamaguchi is one of the team captains, and her team is Rick and Cheryl, Bristol and Mark, and Kyle and Lacey. Her opponents are captained by Apolo Ohno, and his team consists of Kurt and Anna, Brandy and Maks, and Jennifer and Derek. Really? Brandy and Jennifer are on the same team? That doesn't seem fair at all. I mean, who's the star of the other team? Bristol? KYLE? Come on.
So they're going to show us how the teams were chosen. Apolo chose Derek first, and then Kristi chose Mark, because Mark was her partner. Apolo, no fool, picked Brandy and Maks , so that's how the teams ended up so lopsided. Kristi is dumb. I wonder if the producers made her do that. So Kristi's team works together to put their cha cha cha in place. Lacey kind of takes the lead because they have done the cha cha cha once and got good marks for it. I think Bristol especially warms to rehearsing with other women; she's not as self-conscious, and Lacey and Cheryl are very sweet about cheering her on. Rick is struggling, though, and looking to Kyle for pointers. When Kristi shows up, she sees that Rick is struggling and simplifies the choreography for him.
So how is the actual routine? Well, it's pretty good. Better than I expected. When they dance all together in the beginning, it looks pretty good although Bristol forgets some steps near the end of that section. Mark overdances as usual. Each of the solos are okay. None of them really wow me. Mark has Bristol in hold the whole time, but I will say that she does a good job performing. Maybe better than she's ever been. So is "better than expected" good enough to win? The judges compliment them for doing good work despite being the underdogs. Well, at least they are admitting it. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. That's pretty good! I think the other group is going to crush them.
Apolo's team gets together to figure out their routine, which is based on Apolo and Julianne's freestyle. Kurt feels a little left out, since the other male dancers he's working with are Maks and Derek. So that would kind of suck. When the group gets together for their second rehearsal, things seem stressful. Jennifer has to take a twenty-minute break every two hours, according to her doctor. Brandy and Maks are sniping at each other. Wow, do they not get along AT ALL. Poor Kurt is just confused. Apolo shows up and watches them practice. He pretends to be confident but it doesn't look great.
So how does the routine turn out? Well, first of all, the three dudes have Apolo-style chin strips, which cracked me up. And Kurt, clearly the weak link here, does a passable job. He's relaxed enough on the floor that he doesn't stand out, which is kind of the point. I actually thought Brandy and Maks's solo was the weakest because, for some reason, Maks was WAY overdancing it. Like he was taking these huge steps and hamming it up like he's Mark Ballas or something. It made me uncomfortable. Overall, it was fun to watch but it wasn't as good as some of the team dances of the past. I wonder if it's because they had to base it on Apolo's routine instead of just coming up with their own. And also, the guy trying to rap "Bust a Move" was terrible and screwed up the lyrics. Carrie Ann thinks that they didn't dumb down the routine or fit it to the lowest common denominator. Hmm, I don't know about that, but whatever. Bruno and Len also have good things to say, which makes me think that they're going to get high scores, and it was kind of predetermined. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9 for a total of 27.
Okay, so the gimmick of this episode is that each couple will have to do a routine based on a former contestant's routine, and the first will be Mel's paso doble. So Mel B comes out (and reveals
that she's the one who first started squeezing Tom's butt, for those who were wondering where that came from) and talks about how the hardest part of that routine for her was the technique, since she already had the passion and the anger. She'll be judging Kyle and Lacey, who have to do a routine inspired by her paso? I mean, they're not doing a Gus van Sant Psycho note-for-note remake, right? Kyle is thrilled to be moving back up the leaderboard. He also realizes that he needs to put aside his happy playful persona and try to be sexy and aggressive. So this should be interesting.
So they just started the routine, and it kind of is a note-for-note remake, at least so far. The music is really fast, though. You know what? It's pretty good! I don't like that they're doing the same exact routine though. I thought it was more "inspired by," but whatever. Kyle does a good job attacking it. Len says that it was their best dance. Mel B. says that they blew her away and Kyle was sexy. Bruno liked it a lot, and has just a quibble. Carrie Ann thinks that Kyle showed power and strength. I also don't know if it's fair that they had to do a routine with a pro male and star female, when they are the reverse. I guess I need to let that go. Scores: Mel 10, Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Are all the celebrity judges going to give a 10? Probably.
up, Emmitt Smith returns to judge Kurt and Anna doing his tango. I loved Emmitt. I don't remember this tango at all, though. In the clip they show, Emmitt totally messes up the footwork, so oops. To his credit, Emmitt admits that his tango wasn't that great, and he hopes that Kurt will be better. In rehearsals, Kurt gets frustrated when Anna says that things are easy, so he takes her out to the football field to show her how hard it can be when you're trying something new. Dumb filler, but we do get to see Larry Fitzgerald, who was a star on my fantasy team a few seasons ago, so I love him.
The dance starts, and Kurt's posture is good, but it's like his knees are bent too much. He's duck walking instead of dancing. And he's not performing as well as he usually does. I don't see the intensity in his face -- he seems like he's counting steps in his head instead. But he doesn't screw up, and since it's all in hold, he can't have bad hands and arms like he usually does. Judges? Bruno liked it, and cautions Kurt not to stick his head forward. Carrie Ann says that Emmitt got into character, and Kurt brought his own character to things. Emmitt loves Kurt's outfit and his technique. Len loves that Kurt takes their critiques and comes back, and also notes his bent knees, but overall, he did like it. Scores: Emmitt 10, Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. See? The returning celebs are always going to give a 10 so they will all cancel one another out.
Kelly Osborne! Yay! Her hair looks terrible, though. But I love her. And she looks amazing. Her memorable dance is her Viennese waltz. Oh, it was so cute. I loved her and Louis together. Kelly says that she's looking for Bristol to bring her big heart and hard work to their reinterpretation. I also enjoy how Kelly has stuck up for Bristol in the press. I was just going to say that Kelly is a class act, but then I realized that I'm talking about Kelly Fucking Osborne, and I love that she's got a filthy mouth and everything, but I wouldn't call her a class act. Anyway, this was actually a really good choice for Bristol, because it plays to her strengths, and she gets to be in hold most of the time.
Well, it's okay. Bristol looks like a ship being steered around the floor. Her problem is that she can't sustain it. She starts out well, and then has a little stumble, and she forgets to smile for a while. And then she gets back on track but she forgets a step or something and can't put it together. One thing I loved about Kelly is that she would screw up but soldier on, and Bristol can't seem to do that. Maybe it's because she doesn't have a performing background. I don't know. Carrie Ann tells Bristol that she has the power to touch them, but she's a little detached still. Kelly (inadvertently) says that Bristol had big shoes to fill but she did fantastic. Len compliments the choreography and tells Bristol she had good footwork. Bruno thinks Bristol moves well, and he appreciated the content, even if the chemistry wasn't quite there. Scores: Kelly 9, Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Mark and Bristol seem thrilled, and I'm happy that Kelly didn't give her a 10 because come on.
The judge is Helio. Didn't he go to jail or something? I never liked that guy. Please no one go back and read my recaps from that season and determine that I loved him. I hope I didn't. The dance that will be reimagined is Helio's quickstep, because he didn't have any other good dances. I mean, really. How did he win? Helio says he's going to be looking for smooth on top and fast on the bottom, and Rick and Cheryl will be the ones to make that happen, hopefully. Rick's girlfriend, Eliza Dushku, shows up in rehearsals to help him get into the mood. She encourages him to be funny and goofy (but not crazy) so his face doesn't get too stern. So does it work?
It's interesting because Helio and Julianne were tiny, tiny people, and Rick gets this dance to do, even though he's a giant. I don't think the quickstep is his dance. He does manage to be funny and goofy with his facial expressions, but it seems like there is an awful lot of him standing around and not doing footwork. It's not too fast down below, even if it is smooth up above. It lacks the energy of the original. Len loves that Rick enjoyed himself. Bruno loved the faces. Helio talks mostly about himself and how they stole his moves. No one cares, Helio. Carrie Ann thinks it was his best dance by far. Hmm. I guess they didn't see the parts where he was just standing there doing nothing? Scores: Helio 10, Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Rick is so happy. It's cute. I feel like Rick would be fun to hang out with, even if he's not a great dancer.
Gilles Marini is back to judge someone performing his iconic foxtrot. Oh, Gilles. I miss you. You were smoking hot. I seriously can't believe he didn't win. He was SO good. He says that he'll be looking for sensuality from Brandy and Maks. Mmm. I don't know about that. In rehearsals, Brandy continues to talk about how badly she wants to win, like no one else really cares. And I think maybe she's putting a little too much weight on this contest in her life. It's freaking me out and it's kind of a turnoff.
So how's their foxtrot? The thing I love is that Brandy is acting like a cat, and it's really song and costume-appropriate. She really got into that character. And she looks sexy. I don't know that she looks like she's into Maks all that much, but she looks like she wants the audience to be into her. Bruno thought it was sexy, but he did spot a mistake. Gilles tells her that it was unreal. Carrie Ann liked that transition from elegance to sexiness. Len jokes that everyone else is being too pedantic about a slight screw up since it was a fantastic foxtrot. But he really did love it. Scores: Gilles 9, Carrie Ann 9, Len 10, and Bruno 9. Wow. That's the first time in memory that Len has scored higher than everyone else. Maks looks really pleased, at least until Brooke screws up and says that he's been to the finals twice when it's actually three times. Oops. She's horrible.
And finally, Drew Lachey is back to judge a recreation of his perfectly-scored tango. Wow, Cheryl looked like crap back in the day. It kind of explains why I thought she was like forty, and she's really quite young. Drew says that he's going to be looking for technique and attitude, and he wants Derek and Jennifer to interpret the music. In rehearsals, Jennifer reveals that she's hurting a lot and her body is giving out. And she is really bruised. And I think a lot of people over the age of thirty can relate to the idea that you want to do things and your body just won't let you, and it's frustrating. I know I can. I wonder if Jennifer had done this show a few seasons ago
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, if it would have been different for her.
So how does their routine turn out? One bad thing about the clip packages is that they taint my viewing experience. Like all I'm seeing is Jennifer being exhausted. Jennifer doesn't overdo it this week, but she's almost too understated in some places. But her technique is amazing, and she really does look like a pro at times. It wasn't my favorite routine, but that's not her fault. Carrie Ann tells her that everyone loves to see someone come back, and Jennifer did that. Len thinks that Jennifer vented her frustration in that tango. Drew thinks that Jennifer needs to trust her partner to make it all the way. Bruno thinks that Jennifer should have confidence in herself, because he sees her abilities. Scores: Drew 10, Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
You guys, Bristol needs to go home this week. She can't hang anymore. Please. Make it happen. Here are their scores:
Brandy and Maks: 27 + 37 = 64
Jennifer and Derek: 27 + 37 = 64
Kurt and Anna: 27 + 34 = 61
Rick and Cheryl: 24 + 37 = 61
Kyle and Lacey: 24 + 35 = 59
Bristol and Mark: 24 + 34 = 58
Check out what former competitor Erin Andrews thought of this week's performances.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who we think will win!
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