This week, the dances are supposed to tell a story. And just like last season, I think that pretty much every dance is supposed to tell a story, so I don't really get this challenge. I think it just encourages business, which Len and I hate, and props, which Len and I also hate. Len and I protest this week. The opening credits just remind me about Audrina's Ceiling Eyes. Do you think she knows that she has ceiling eyes? Is there a surgery for that? Because Audrina clearly is not against surgery to improve her appearance, if you know what I'm saying.
I don't know what's going on with Story Week, but there are a lot of people wearing glasses for some reason. Karina, The Situation, and Jennifer Grey are all wearing glasses as part of their costumes. Tom and Brooke tell us that props are encouraged this week, as part of the storytelling, so the glasses must be props. This leads into a clip package where the couples talk about their story for the week. Some of them sound weird, and some of them sound seriously weird. It is going to take a lot for one of these stories to win me over, I can already tell.
The pros are going to give us an example of a story dance. It's supposed to be three poor men romancing three rich women. The men are Dmitry, Jonathan, and some dude. The women are Kym and two others that I don't recognize, I don't think. And I totally don't get the story. To me, it's just three dudes dancing with three women. I don't know how I was supposed to get that the women were wealthy and the men poor; their costumes don't give that away. And the big story development is that the women go from long dresses to short dresses. So...that was supposed to represent something? I mean, if the pros can't even tell a good story, what hope do the stars have? This is already dumb.
Jennifer and Derek: Last week's frontrunners have the samba this week. They work out a tale of a student and a teacher, but Jennifer struggles with the difficult choreography, which includes a samba roll. The actual routine begins with Derek at a desk and Jennifer at a blackboard, and then they start dancing together. Her footwork is crisp and her lines are good. She seems to have a tiny stumble in the early going, but they do get to the (shortened) samba roll, and Jennifer does a good job of staying in character throughout. Another one of my complaints about stories with dancing is that people stick a little skit at the beginning and the end, and the whole middle is just plain dancing. But this is good dancing, so it's better than the typical muddle.
Len says kind of the same thing I just said about continuing the story through the dance, which they did well. He also noticed her stumble early on, but he thought she did well overall. Bruno calls her "the sexy mistress of Cougar Town," but also points out her missteps, even though he found it great. Carrie Ann thought they were slightly out of sync. Derek protests and actually pulls Jennifer back out to the floor, where they execute the sequence in question perfectly. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24.
Florence and Corky: Florence was in a touring production of The Sound of Music, so she's thrilled to be waltzing to "Edelweiss." Corky and Florence rehearse their story, which involves a sort of forbidden romance. And then Florence gets me when she talks about her late husband, and how this dance reminds her of their story. Oh, Mrs. Brady. Their waltz begins, and Florence looks good during the footwork but she looks a little wobbly to me in the turns. And the story sort of falls apart after the first few bars. She does a one-legged turn near the end that is impressive. And then of course, Corky has to practically make out with her at the end, which is gross. NOT NECESSARY!
Bruno thought it was simple and effective, and he advises her to have continuous movement instead of stopping and starting. Carrie Ann thought Florence's emotion worked in the routine, and suggests that she push herself a bit more week if she comes back. Len compliments the story and the emotion, but he thinks that her footwork technique is non-existent. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7 for a total of 20.
Kurt and Anna: They have "Bad Day" and have to do the foxtrot. So they put together their considerable brain power and decide to do a dance about someone who is having a bad day. WTF? Where do they come up with these creative ideas? And then to get in touch with his softer side, Kurt has a tea party with his daughters. It's dumb, but the little girls are cute. Anyway, their routine starts out with that TV magic thing that I seriously do not understand where they make it look like it's black and white, but just one part of the stage. I get that it's done with lighting, but it amazes me every time. Anyway, Kurt cheers Anna up and gets her to dance and the sun comes out. I still think he looks good. A little stiff in the upper body, and he's still got pancake hands. But he's a better performer than I ever imagined, and he really moves around the floor well.
Carrie Ann thought it was charming, and she loved their chemistry. Len thought it lacked some musicality in the arms, but everything else was great. Bruno compares him to Gene Kelly but then calls him out on his frying pan hands. Everyone boos, but Bruno is right, and he says that he's only being critical because he knows that Kurt can be better. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 7 for a total of 23. Brooke claims that it's the highest score yet, which it's totally not, so good one Brooke.
Margaret and Louis: They have the samba, which Louis explains is "the party dance," and they are dancing to "Copacabana." Margaret explains that their story is about "coming out," but of course she never mentions being gay, even though she's wearing a rainbow dress. Okay, so there's no story. You have one of the greatest "story" songs of all time (second only to "Coward of the County," in my opinion, which is a jaunty ditty about rape) and you don't act it out at all? The dancing is good; Margaret is way into it and shaking what she's got. But then about halfway through, she loses the plot and her footwork is off. She tries to get back on track, and kind of does, but you can tell that she's thinking through the steps now instead of performing. It was fun, but rough. And there really was no story.
Len thought it started off well, but as it went along, she lost her timing, and he didn't get the story. Margaret says it's about being proud under criticism. I wonder if ABC made them tone it down. Bruno loves the rainbow flag but thought the dancing was lacking. Carrie Ann loved the rainbow pride, but she got out of control. Margaret calls it "the gayest thing that's ever happened," and Carrie Ann says that the show has gone gay. Five producers just had heart attacks. In her backstage interview, Margaret references the recent, horrible spate of gay teen suicides, which is necessary but also kind of a downer. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6, for a total of 18.
Audrina and Tony: Audrina had the best quickstep of the night last week, but this week, they have the waltz. Their storyline features a Marine coming back from the dead to dance with her one last time? I guess? I mean, that seems like kind of a downer. I guess the "coming back from the dead" thing can be seen as romantic, but I don't get why they have to include the military angle. That just makes it feel tacky to me. So their dance starts and Audrina is sitting at a table, wearing a nightgown, hugging a military hat. And then Tony comes out of the fog wearing a Marine uniform, and they dance. So at least they got the dream part across. The problem is that Audrina isn't that good of an actress, and she looks sort of blank and generically sad the whole time. And there's no passion. Her dancing is really beautiful, so she's got that going for her, but I thought maybe there would be, I don't know, some chemistry between them.
Bruno thought it was compelling and touching. Really? The idea was, maybe, but the execution was lacking. Carrie Ann thought it was beautifully acted. I apparently have a heart of stone. Len thought they danced with their hearts. Maybe it played differently in the room. Backstage, Audrina says something nonsensical about the troops and their families. Can't everyone see that they're just pandering here? It's gross. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 9 for a total of 26. Also, Tony really did wax his legs.
Bristol and Mark: They have the foxtrot this week and, in rehearsals, Bristol has a hard time not getting the giggles. So their story is that Mark is homeless and Bristol walks by him? And then they rip off their clothes and they're wearing a tuxedo and gown? What the ham and eggs is going on here? Anyway, their dance is pretty good. Not great. Bristol still doesn't have the commitment to her moves that she needs. She occupies this middle ground where she's not terrible, but she's not great either. She's mediocre. And I still don't understand what that story was about. The choreography looks ridiculously easy, too.
Carrie Ann thought her movements were beautiful, but her story didn't come through because she lacked facial expression. Mark explains that the story was about helping someone who is down on his luck. Oh...kay? Len knows that he told them last week to take a chance, and they did, and he didn't like it. Sorry about that. Bruno thought the execution of the dance was good, but she needs to work on expressing emotion in the dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 7 for a total of 19. I still can't believe that the judges think she is better than Margaret. I don't even think she's technically better, and I know she's not a better performer. Maybe Mark is just better at choreographing around his partner.
Brandy and Maks: Brandy complains that last week's package made it look like she and Maks argue all the time, and people also thought she threw Maks under the bus during judging, because she totally did. So this week, she vows to shut up and listen and learn, so she puts tape on her mouth. They decide to base their dance on The Bodyguard. In this week's rehearsals, Brandy takes Maks's abuse without complaint. So now it looks like Maks is a big bully instead of that she's kind of a bitch. So that's an improvement? Their dance does tell a story, but it also falls victim to that syndrome where there is story at the beginning and the end and just regular dancing in the middle. Brandy looks good, and weirdly, I don't like how Maks does the routine. Sometimes he overdances a little bit? Like overexaggerates his movements to the point where they look weird? But I guess he's not being judged, right? I'm surprised they don't do a samba roll; I'm sure Brandy could handle it.
Len thought it had energy and good hip action, and an improvement over last week. He didn't really get the story though, and Maks playfully argues with him a little bit, but knows enough to shut up. Bruno feels like he saw "the comeback of the diva" and loved her placement of her arms and legs. Carrie Ann tries to slap Maks on the butt because she felt he mistreated Brandy in rehearsals, but she admits that it worked, because they were on fire. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. For all that complaining, those are pretty good scores. Is Brooke pregnant again? Maks grabbed her belly in a weird way that made me think she might be. If so, that was rude of Maks to do, no?
Kyle and Lacey: In rehearsals, Lacey gets the song for their dance and it's "Take It To the Limit" by The Eagles. AND SHE'S NEVER HEARD OF THEM. Look, I know I'm old, and the Eagles were even before my time, but how can you be a citizen of the United States and never have heard of the Eagles. She's dumb. Kyle doesn't seem to know either. So they toss that song out, even though it is a great song, and get some other song about a coffee shop that I have never heard of, so maybe I'm the dumb one now. So once they get their song settled, Kyle works on his technique, since the waltz isn't really in his wheelhouse. It's all about posture and grace, which are not Kyle's strengths. Once the song starts, I realize that I have heard it before. Kyle's a customer at a coffeeshop and Lacey is his waitress, and they fall in love and start dancing. Man, Lacey's pants are really unflattering. They make her ass look huge. Anyway, I guess it's okay. He's just not my favorite.
Bruno thinks Kyle is totally likeable, and his arms are getting better, though his feet need work. Carrie Ann thinks he is fun, and she compliments his arms as well. Len likes his acting level and his performance level, but his footwork is atrocious. Everyone boos Len, for daring to say that Kyle was less than perfect. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8 for a total of 23.
The Situation and Karina: Karina comes up with some sort of sci fi storyline that The Situation doesn't even understand. Except he keeps trying to turn it into a porn storyline. And they have the foxtrot to "Boom Boom Pow," so this should be...interesting. Well, I don't know enough about the foxtrot to really judge the technique. I know that The Situation is way too stiff and not really on the beat most of the time. Bless him, he's trying. His arms aren't bad. Karina wisely puts a ton of business at the beginning so there's less actual dancing, similar to what Chelsie tried last week. I feel like The Situation doesn't know this routine as well as ones; you can see how uncomfortable he is. It's also the worst rendition of "Boom Boom Pow" of all time, which can't help.
Carrie Ann thinks he's improving, and she noticed his heel leads. Len admires how he listens to Karina and tries to work on his technique, but he thought it was bizarre in a bad way. Bruno thought it was entertaining in a weird way. Is that a compliment? Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7 for a total of 20. That is horseshit that he got higher scores than Margaret and Louis. WTF?
Rick and Cheryl: As they rehearse their samba, Rick is worried that Cheryl is dumbing down the choreography because he's not doing well. She assures him that she's just making sure that he does steps that will look good with his long arms and legs. Their story is that Rick lost the game for his team and she's a stripper (I guess?) that's trying to cheer him up. The dancing is pretty good. Rick rips open his shirt and...I wouldn't do that when The Situation is on the same show. Rick looks pretty good but he doesn't have a six pack. His dancing is pretty good, but you can see how Cheryl struggles to choreograph to their height difference. A lot of the moves in hold don't really work because her shoulders are nearly at his waist.
Len mumbles something that we can't really hear because the audience is still cheering, but he definitely liked it. Bruno says that they want to see more of the hotness. Carrie Ann thought he was right on the beat and it was good. She nearly has an orgasm with her description. I'd like to see Eliza Dushku just come flying across the floor and take her out with a flying dropkick. You know she could do it. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24.
I'm going to guess that Florence is going home. Maybe The Situation, but I hope that Margaret and Louis's fanbase keeps them in, because they were underscored. Here are the scores:
Audrina and Tony: 26
Jennifer and Derek: 24
Brandy and Maks: 24
Rick and Cheryl: 24
Kurt and Anna: 23
Kyle and Lacey: 23
Florence and Corky: 20
The Situation and Karina: 20
Margaret and Louis: 18