Tom and Brooke welcome us to the second week of the giant mess known as Dancing with the Stars. I've seen Brooke's dress somewhere before. Some movie or television show. It has these pointy flaps over her boobs that are really unflattering. I also can't stop watching Brooke while Tom talks. She has the most vacant look on her face. I've really turned on her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt last season, but I expect her to have learned a few things over the off-season and be, just, better by now. I mean, it must be tough to work to Tom, who is awesome, but still.
Heh. Teen activist. That's rich. They just showed the full-length view of Bristol's dress and...oof. I'm all for modesty. But that doesn't mean you have to wear an upside-down purple tulip.
Rick and Cheryl are up first, and they have the jive this week. Cheryl works with Rick on his kicks and flicks, and he's worried about the speed that the dance requires. Rick talks about how his career ended due to a tendon snapping in his foot, and it's making it tough to do some of the dance moves as well. But he wants to push through, because Larry Bird told him that pros play hurt. Hey, how has Larry Bird not been a contestant on this show? Can you imagine how horrible he would be? Is there anyone whiter than Larry Bird?
Their jive is a little slow, but it's not bad. There are no huge blunders that I can see. Rick's facial expressions need some work as they don't seem that natural; he needs to actually be joyful instead of looking like a parody of joy. And he's a little pigeon-toed, but overall, it's decent. Judges? Len says that it's tough for tall guys to jive, and Rick did well anyway. Bruno recognizes the challenges they face: the jive is hard, their size differential. And yet, he thought they did well. Carrie Ann thought it was good, but they were better last week, especially Rick's posture. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 21.
Florence and Corky are up . Florence is thrilled to finally be on the show. I'm a little put off by how desperate she was to get on the show. In rehearsals, she explains how she wants to be a real contender, and not the joke old person. But this week, she has the quickstep, which requires a lot of endurance, and she's struggling. She even flips off the camera at one point. She's serious! They're dancing to "Suddenly I See" and I swear someone else danced to this song in a past season. I guess after this many seasons, there are going to be repeats.
Wow, does their quickstep stink. Longtime readers might remember that the quickstep is my favorite dance. Theirs is incredibly slow, to the point where it kind of looks like a waltz instead of a quickstep. And Corky is really just dragging her around the floor, like maybe she got nervous and forgot the steps? For a dance that's supposed to be high energy and, well, quick...it's really not. It's kind of the slowstep. Plus, Corky adds a bunch of bullshit where he pretends like she stepped on his foot, and then he has to towel his forehead at the end and I really hate that shit, and there's no reason for it except to give Corky the spotlight. In conclusion, hated it. Judges? Bruno liked the entrance, but he thought it looked like "Dragging Miss Daisy." Exactly. Bruno adds that it was lovely at times. Carrie Ann thinks it's incredible that she's dancing with such ease at her age. She was light on her feet and elegant, but she had a few missteps. Len emphasizes that he doesn't let outside elements inform his judging, and he thinks Florence should come back. For real, Len? No comments on Corky's stupid choreography even? Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 19. Really, Carrie Ann? You thought it was just as good as Rick and Cheryl?
Last week, Brandy was one of the frontrunners. In rehearsals, Maks points out how Brandy totally improvised an arm movement. Wow, totally didn't catch that. Apparently the judges didn't either. This week, Maks and Brandy butt heads because she disagrees with his teaching methods. Eh, made-up drama. I don't buy it. Anyway, their jive is technically very good, but I don't feel the energy or the chemistry. Brandy does a solo bit in the middle that is cute. She's a good dancer, but I don't know if it's the choreography or their relationship or what. I've seen better jives. It was a little flat.
Hey, Sarah Palin is there! I can't believe they didn't mention it earlier. Anyway, judges? Carrie Ann loves Brandy's attitude, but thought it felt out of control and she didn't point her toes. Maks argues that her shoes prevented it and they get way off topic. Back to the point! Len thinks Brandy can't dance badly, but this was a step back from the week. Brandy totally throws Maks under the bus for the solo thing. Damn. Maybe it's not manufactured drama. Bruno agrees that he has higher expectations for Brandy, and he wants her to be extraordinary. So my local station totally cut off Maks and Brandy's scores? WTF? I was able to find out that they got a total of 21. Sorry about that. Blame the person on the switch at my ABC affiliate.
We cut right to Michael Bolton and Chelsie rehearsing their jive. They're dancing to "Hound Dog" and Chelsie has big plans to have him crawl out of a doghouse. So she knows he's a horrible dancer, because there's no other reason for that bullshit. Michael has a hard time learning the routine, and he kind of blames Chelsie that he sucks. She finally seems to get it through his head that he needs to rehearse more, and that's the only way to get better.
She really does start the jive with him crawling out of the doghouse. At least it didn't take up too much time. He's really pigeon-toed too. Is every dude this season pigeon-toed? Oof. He's no good. He's kind of just wandering around the dance floor. I can see parts where he's probably supposed to be doing footwork, but either he forgot it or he never learned it. He has good posture. I'm trying to find something nice to say. Judges? Len tries to be diplomatic and says that this dance didn't suit Michael. Bruno thinks Michael should have gone back into the doghouse, and it was the worst jive in eleven seasons. Len yells at Bruno and says that he's being unfair, because there was a lot of content, and Bruno retorts that it was poorly done. Carrie Ann respects that Michael tried to do it, but she thinks his body locks up when he's nervous or stressed, and you can't dance that way. That was a nice way to put it. Scores: Carrie Ann 4, Len 5, and Bruno 3. OUCH. I don't think I've ever seen scores that low, except maybe for Master P. They gave Kate Gosselin higher scores than that. All I can think is that Michael Bolton is being a dick backstage (which has been rumored) and they want to get rid of him.
Audrina claims that she's sacrificing everything for this show. Yes, the people in Haiti really feel sorry for you. Poor baby. Then she whines that she barely sees her family and her boyfriend. WAAAAAAAHHH! It's so horrible that they kidnapped you at gunpoint and forced you to be on this television show. So they are dancing the Quickstep. And you know what? It's really good. Audrina is a natural dancer. She needs to stay focused, and she needs to remember to point her toes, but overall it was really good.
Bruno thought it was excellent and light-footed, but she lost her posture at times. Carrie Ann thought it was a huge improvement from last week, which was pretty good. Len thought it was the best dance so far tonight. Well, that's not a huge accomplishment since the dances so far have been middling to poor. Brooke pulls out a clip from rehearsals where Tony said that if the routine didn't get three 8s, he would wax his legs. So scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 7. The other people in the room are dying laughing. I think Brooke didn't understand the point, because she thinks it means Tony DOESN'T have to wax his legs. She's terrible. How could you misunderstand that? Anyway, Tony claims that he really is going to wax his legs. Should be fun.
During this commercial break, I'm picturing a producer trying to explain the leg waxing thing to Brooke and she still doesn't get it.
Jennifer and Derek moved everyone last week with their waltz, and they led the leaderboard. During rehearsals, Jennifer reveals that she found out last fall that she had cancer, and also had neck surgery. Obviously, this affects her ability to do tricks and other moves in the jive. She's also working on her stamina, because God knows Derek's jives are usually pretty crazy. And this one is no exception. It's high energy the whole way through. The footwork is good, but there's something a little weird about her posture. But for an amateur, in week two of the competition, it's really good. Hey, her husband Clark Gregg is there. Love him. And Jamie Lee Curtis who is... a friend, I guess?
While waiting for their scores, Derek and Jennifer collapse on the floor and lie down. Jennifer didn't look so hot, honestly. Carrie Ann loves that her energy didn't let up from start to finish. Len thought it was bright, colorful and full-on fabulous. Bruno thought it was killer with really difficult choreography. Sounds like some high scores are coming. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. Jennifer is really winded. And she's acting like a denture came out. The crowd is booing; I guess they thought the scores were too low.
Oh, no. I guess it was for Sarah Palin. Tom is sitting with her. Well, that was rude. I don't like her at all, but I wouldn't boo her in this kind of setting. A political rally? Sure. At what amounts to her daughter's nationally televised dance recital? Tacky. Although a little bit funny. Come on. The more I think about it, and remember Brooke backstage going, "I don't know why they are booing" and imagine a producer screaming in her ear, "Throw to Tom! Throw to Tom!" Ah, to be a fly on the wall.
Anyway, Margaret and Louis are up . Margaret jokes in rehearsal about how she had a loser vibe after last week and no one wanted to talk to her. Louis works with her to affect less comedic facial expressions. He wants her to be herself instead of putting on this front. Yes! That's what I want. I hate the schtick. I like the real person.
And aw, I love their jive. It's SOOO much better than last week. There's a lot of complicated footwork, and Margaret goofs a bit in the middle, but she picks it back up pretty well. She needs to bend her knees and get more bounce in there, but she gets the kicks and flicks going well, and she does have something there. I don't think she'll win this thing, but I have a lot better feeling about her than I did last week. Len thought it had a lot of life and energy, but he wants her to work on her kicks. Bruno tells her to keep it sharp, but he thinks that when she relaxes and smiles, everything changes. Carrie Ann saw improvement, but she wants her to relax her facial expressions a bit. Margaret giggles that her face just does that. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I thought it was a LITTLE better than that. Maybe one or two sevens.
Last week, Kyle got high scores and I'm not sure why. He's all style and no substance. Lacey is working with Kyle on his fitness and nutrition to improve his endurance, since they are doing the Quickstep. Lacey explains that she added some hip youthful moves to help Kyle connect to it. Oh, Len will hate that. Well, his posture is better. Way better. He does a good job of using his facial expressions and head movements to distract from his lack of technique. He needs to point his toes once in a while.
Bruno tells him he's a powerhouse performer, but he needs to have control over his movements, especially in ballroom. Carrie Ann loved the "new school" of quickstep. She has a crush on him. It's blinding her to the reality of his dancing. Len thinks Lacey's dress was distracting, and Kyle was flat-footed and lacked style. But Len liked it anyway. Kyle's giggle is annoying. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 22. What is Carrie Ann's problem? Kyle yells out that he's going to have a pizza, no matter what Lacey says. He's a good role model for children.
Kurt did better than most expected last week, though Len wasn't a fan. Kurt clearly got some caps or veneers recently. His teeth are too big and white for his face now. While they rehearse, Kurt offers up some suggestions for the dance. Anna shoots most of them down, but Kurt thinks she appreciates it because at least he's into the dance. They're doing the jive to "Danger Zone" from Top Gun. I think Kurt just did the moonwalk. Or tried to. Kurt is pretty light on his feet, and his kicks are nice and high. Take note, Margaret. And he points his toes most of the time. He's actually pretty good! I mean, let's not get crazy. He's not great. But he's better than I expected and he puts a little flair into his moves.
Judges? Carrie Ann loved it and thinks he has great musicality and ease on the floor. Len thinks it was much improved, and he just needs to be a little sharper. Bruno points out that it flowed so easily, and he had great hand placement. Seriously, Kurt could win this thing. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Hmm. I thought it was a little better than that, but I appreciate that the judges aren't going nuts with the high scores this early.
So last week, The Situation had a lot of attitude, but not much in the way of technique. Will he do better this week with more rehearsal time? Well, he claims that he's working hard, and Karina is really pushing him, but his rehearsal footage doesn't look too great. And he's still way pigeon-toed. He is very light on his feet but this is just not his routine. He has great posture, at least. But he kind of just looks like he's flailing his arms and legs about. And I think he forgot a bunch of steps in the middle. And the attitude that carried him last week is completely absent. Oof.
Len thought it was "a series of unfortunate events," although he acknowledges that it was a difficult dance. Bruno could tell The Situation wanted to do well and he was focused, but he was too up in his head and didn't perform. Carrie Ann thought he wasn't listening to and connecting to the music enough, and she points out that he's pigeon-toed, like that's a news flash. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18. They're happy to beat their scores from last week.
The final couple is Bristol and Mark. They went home to Alaska this week. Why, I'm not sure. It seems like with limited rehearsal time, traveling to Alaska wouldn't be in the cards. Mark even says it took a lot of time. So why did they go? Although I guess better to go this week, when they only have one new routine. Anyway, they have the quickstep. It's...adequate. She looks really, really nervous, but just like last week, there are moments that show promise. She could be good if she can get over her shyness.
Bruno thinks there is a charming, unaffected quality to her, and she needs to learn to perform and act and engage the audience. Carrie Ann says that Bristol reminds her of Kelly Osbourne. Interestingly, I saw Kelly Osbourne defending Bristol on another show this week. Maybe they could be unlikely friends. I smell reality show! Len tells her that she needs to be less careful and take chances, because she's got the technique down pretty well. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 7 for a total of 22. Mark's eloquent reaction: "I'm so proud, like, I'm...so proud." Good one, nerd.
Here are the final scores. I think Margaret and Louis were way underscored, and Kyle was way overscored. And I think Michael will go home.
Audrina and Tony: 23
Kyle and Lacey: 22
Bristol and Mark: 22
Rick and Cheryl: 21
Brandy and Maksim: 21
Kurt and Anna: 21
Florence and Corky: 19
Margaret and Louis: 18
The Situation and Karina: 18
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