You know, I just watched the recap show that they do in the first hour, and it kind of pisses me off that they made me sit through two hours of bullshit last night when I could have seen it all in one hour. If I didn't have to do the recap, I would totally just watch the recap on results night; you get to see the full dances and the judges' comments without Brooke Burke's horrible interviews and the dumb roll-in packages. I guess on the first night the roll-ins aren't so bad because you're getting to know the contestants, but they get pretty lame after a while.
The show opens with a song from Santana: "Oye Como Va," and this leads my husband and I to speculate on how, exactly, Santana ever became so popular. I mean, seriously? Carlos Santana is talented and a great guitar player, but did people really hang out at BBQs and bars in the '70s and listen to this? Then again, Nickelback. So, I guess this era doesn't have a leg to stand on. The dancers during this song (first pro number of the season) are Maks and Cheryl, Tony and Kym, and Corky (?) and Anna. Bleh. No more Corky. I get that he was World Grand Champion of Everything at one point but he's gross. Not because he's old; I would love to see Len or Bruno dance, for example. I just think his routines are always in poor taste. I look forward to another season where there are no ladies of a certain age that require Corky's services. Ew, I just grossed myself out. Maks choreographed this number, so I wonder if Karina will get to do any pro numbers this season or not?
is yet another recap of the night's antics, where we learn that the Hoff, Margaret Cho, the Situation, and Michael Bolton are at the bottom of the pack, and Brandy and Jennifer Grey were at the top of the leader board. It's quite disconcerting to hear Jennifer Grey's voice coming from that unrecognizable face. I feel badly that she had botched plastic surgery and all, but it's weird.
The four lowest-scoring couples are on stage to learn who's safe and who's not. The first safe couple is Michael and Chelsie. The second safe couple is Margaret and Louis. Wow. I really thought she would go home, but she must have corralled her Twitter army. And her gays. And the overlap between those two groups, which I'm sure is considerable. So the Situation and the Hoff are still in jeopardy.
Adam Carolla is back to do a bit about various dances from around the world. I'm sorry, but I'm still impressed with his unicycle riding. I tried to walk on stilts a few weeks ago, and I learned that my balance is for shit. I couldn't even stand up on them, much less walk. Meanwhile, my sister-in-law is trucking around the lawn like a circus freak. So unicycle riding impresses me. He starts by joking that the jive variations (like Carolina Shag) were all named after Hasselhoff's '80s hair styles. It's a good joke. There are some other semi-amusing jokes, but I'm kind of impressed by the production values. He totally makes a gay joke about Bruno that I'm surprised slipped through, and kind of implies that the other male dancers are gay too. Hmm. I wonder if Adam negotiated to get final cut on the bit or something. Anyway. It was at least better than the "funny" bits the show usually puts together.
Here's Daughtry. He's singing a song. His music isn't my bag, but he's decent. The pros this time out are probably from SYTYCD, because I don't recognize them.
Brooke is backstage with the top four stars (Brandy, Kyle, Rick, and Jennifer). Brooke interviews them, so you can guess how interesting that is. Read: not very. Here's a shocker -- none of them want to go home and they vow to keep improving.
Those four couples head out to the stage to find out if they are safe or still in jeopardy. The first safe couple is...Jennifer and Derek, the high scorers, so no shocker. Also returning week are Rick and Cheryl. So Brandy and Kyle are still in jeopardy.
Santana returns with guest vocalist India.Arie to perform "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." I hate when people have punctuation in their names. What's up with that period in the middle? What is the point? Karina and Louis come out to dance the rumba to this song. It's a lovely routine. I've really turned around on Louis over the years. He used to bug me. Maybe I just like him more in comparison with Mark and even Derek.
Brooke does some more useless interviews backstage. Can't they get someone to write interesting questions? And teach Brooke to recognize when someone is done answering a question so she doesn't just stand there frozen with her mike in Bristol's face when Bristol is clearly done talking.
Clip package of the stars meeting each other and bonding. I actually like the Hoff for a second because he convinces Kurt to throw him a pass in the parking lot. Wouldn't you want that? I mean, if you had the skill to catch a football, which I do not? It cracks me up when Bristol says that Florence Henderson is like a mother figure. Something missing in your life, Bristol?
Time to find out who's safe from the middle of the pack (Audrina, Kurt, Bristol, and Florence). The safe couples are Audrina and Tony and Florence and Corky (ugh). So Kurt and Bristol join the pack of people who are still in jeopardy.
This is bizarre. Santana and Daughtry are teaming up to perform "Photograph" by Def Leppard. How did they land on this cover song? It also weirdly works. It's pretty rocking. Dancing are Derek and Lacey and Mark and Chelsie. Another reason I'm annoyed that Lacey dyed her hair is that now I can't pick her out in the pro dances as easily. Seriously, I spend the first half of the pro dances going, "Is that... Kym? Or Lacey?" Thank God Anna has red hair. It kind of cracks me up that they are performing this song with two drummers when Def Leppard does it with one drummer with one arm. I mean, not originally; I believe the drummer lost his arm after this album came out. This may have been one for the first albums I ever bought, actually. After "Thriller" and whatever Billy Joel album came out around that time. When the song ends, Daughtry says that he's rooting for Michael Bolton, because he danced to a Daughtry song. Carlos Santana, as a sports fan, is rooting for Kurt Warner. Okay then.
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Clip package of the pros talking about how much they want to win and how hard it is. Has Karina had work done? She looks different, facially. I can't tell if it's her hairstyle, or if something else has changed.
Hey, you know what I was missing? More Brooke backstage interviews. Well, they've got time to kill. The Hoff is back on my shit list with his incessant mugging for the cameras.
Is it time to announce the biggest loser yet? Wrong network. Anyway, the six couples still in jeopardy take the stage and Tom announces that Brandy is coming back. Brandy was seriously about to have a heart attack. Thank God, they announced her first. Also returning are Bristol and Mark. I'm not surprised. I think even people who may not be Palin-fans were kind of charmed by her willingness to go for it, even if she's not a performer. I was.
So now we're down to Kyle, the Hoff, the Situation, and Kurt. And after a commercial break, we finally find out who's going home. I really wish this show was thirty minutes long. I think they could still fit in all the performances. Just cut out all of Brooke's stupid interviews and the lame clip packages. So guess who else is safe: Kurt and Anna, and The Situation and Karina.
We're down to Kyle and Lacey (and boy, does Lacey look PISSED) and the Hoff and Kym. Tom talks to Kyle's family as well as the Hoff's daughters. His daughters are sweet and really love their dad, drunken hamburger eating and all. Or they just want to be on TV. I'm just saying. So finally, we get to it: the first couple to be eliminated this season is...the Hoff and Kym. I guess there just weren't enough German voters. But seriously, who was going to vote for the Hoff? The same people who probably voted for Kurt or Rick or Jennifer instead. Or Florence. And of the older people on the show, he was definitely the worst. Tom says that he was really surprised. And we're done for another week. I think week is when the rubber hits the road and I can't wait to see how they all do.
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