Here's the bonus about this new season: just from looking at the list of "celebrities," I can't tell you who is going to win. So that's an advantage over last season already. Whoa, Brooke's dress is like a purple version of J.Lo's famous Versace number. I hope she doesn't need to move around too much or the FCC is going to be all over that. The couples are introduced and walk down the stairs for the first time this season. Margaret Cho is trying to do a funny fierce stomp down the stairs and she kind of trips and has a whole Lucy moment that cracks me up. I'm already sick of David Hasselhoff. Yes, I will hassle the Hoff, so don't tell me not to do it, you aging alcoholic poor excuse for a father. Oops, did my anger already slip out? Just you wait. There's more where that came from.
When Tom and Brooke are introducing the show, Tom cocks an eyebrow at someone in the cast. Who? I am dying to know. Anyway, they start right off by making fun of Audrina's "acting" "skills" by saying she's spent years playing the challenging role of herself. And not very well, I might add. I used to recap The Hills, and whoo... she is dumb. There is just nothing going on behind her Ceiling Eyes. During their roll-in package, Tony explains that Audrina learned the choreography very quickly, and once they found out that they would be going first, he decided to increase the difficulty of the choreography. Seriously, if she continues on the show, she is totally going to be the one who goes to like Seaworld during their clip packages, because she has NO personality at all. There is nothing interesting about her beyond her boobs and her effed-up eyes. Although I'm sure that her "friends" from The Hills will show up to see rehearsals. Justin Bobby what what?
So Audrina and Tony are doing the cha cha. They start out with Audrina alone, shaking it, and... it's not good. Things get much better when they go into hold. Audrina's footwork is on point, although her hip action is not great. She's too stiff, and I don't know if it's because she lacks flexibility (hard to correct) or because she's nervous (easy to correct). She does keep a smile on her blank face the whole time, and you can't see her visibly counting her steps, so she's ahead of some of the other first-week contenders we've seen in the past. What do the judges think? Len admires her confidence and technique, and tells her to be feistier. Bruno thinks she has the bones of a great dancer, but she needs to push herself. Carrie Ann is impressed that Audrina started out with a solo, and she likes her attitude, but advises her to continue her performance with her facial expressions. Good luck with that. She's kind of a robot. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 6 for a total of 19. That's fair; they can't start off with the scores too high in case someone else is way better or way worse, but the scores are high enough.
The contestant is Kurt Warner, retired football star. My husband loves Kurt Warner because he had him in his fantasy league last season and he won. Kurt is a super Christian who has seven kids, and he loves watching this show with them. His partner is Anna, who really needs a win. One of Kurt's kids has a Mohawk, so he is my favorite. Kurt knows that football players have done well on this show, and he hopes he can continue that tradition.
They are doing the Viennese waltz, which is tough for dudes, because it requires a lot of grace. Kurt is not incredibly graceful, and early on he gets ahead of the beat, but that's probably due to nerves. He's better than I thought he would be. His turns are really good, his posture is great, and he's light on his feet (unsurprisingly). He needs to work on his pancake hands and I'm not sure how he will do with a dance that requires a stronger sense of rhythm, but a lot of the athletes improve week-to-week because they're so used to rehearsing and practicing hard. So he could end up making the second half of the show. We'll see. Judges? Bruno is impressed by his grace and his stagecraft, and his potential overall. Carrie Ann also sees potential and she loves his connection with Anna and with the audience. Len thought there was very little to praise, and didn't think there was grace. Bruno argues with him and the audience boos and they keep cutting to Kurt's little daughter. Mean! I hope they prepped her that the crazy old coot might yell at Daddy. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 5, and Bruno 7 for a total of 19. I don't think they were as good as Audrina and Tony, but whatever.
up is the one celeb I didn't know about before the show started, Kyle Massey. He's on the Disney channel, and my kids aren't old enough to watch that one, so I don't know this guy. He's cute. Kind of chubby. He's partnered with Lacey, who has gone blonde and looks terrible. She looked much better as a brunette. In rehearsals, Lacey realizes that Kyle is a performer, but his technique needs a lot of work.
They are doing the cha cha cha but you wouldn't know it from their routine. Maybe it should be called the cha. It starts with some business that Len will hate where Kyle is a nerd and Lacey is a hot teen (funny how she always puts herself in those roles) and she rebuffs his advances. He wins her over through the majesty of dance. His extension on his arms is great, and he definitely performs. People at home who don't care about ballroom will love this, because he's putting it all out there. But his posture is horrible, and his footwork is not great either, and there's entirely too much of him standing there thrusting his hips while Lacey dances around him for my liking. Len will hate it. Right, Len? The audience goes nuts for him. Let's go to the judges. Carrie Ann loved it and tells Kyle that she has a crush on him, and he set the place on fire. Len says that he liked it. WHAT? Len, you are letting me down. He didn't like the business at the beginning, but he did like the dance. Bruno calls him "an adorable nutty little package" and he put on "divine entertainment." I was not charmed, but I'm obviously the only one. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8 for a total of 23.
Rick Fox is the to take the dance floor. I know Rick as a ball player, but I mostly remember him from his role on Oz and from marrying Vanessa Williams and now dating Eliza Dushku. In their meeting (on a basketball court, because that's where Rick hangs out in his down time apparently), Cheryl realizes just how tall Rick is and how short she is. Cheryl has to get special shoes made to make her taller, and Cheryl has to remind him to hold his frame and let her dance up to him. This should be interesting.
They have the Viennese waltz. They don't look so mismatched on the dance floor. Rick has an athlete's grace, but he does have the pancake hands and he's kind of stiff. He also has to remember to stay on the balls of his feet; he kind of shuffles when doing quick footwork. But overall, he looks decent. Now he just has to get the performance aspect down. He doesn't have the connection with the audience that Kurt had. Len tells them that the height difference didn't get in the way; his posture was elegant and he was smooth. Bruno looks forward to Rick and Kurt duking it out. Carrie Ann thinks Rick is a fox, and he has great posture and elegant and graceful lines. Eliza looks really proud. [And a little like she wants to kill Carrie Ann for basically throwing herself at Rick -- Angel] I wish she would do the show. They should have an all-Buffy season. You know they could get Nick Brendon and Charisma Carpenter anyway. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 22.
Margaret Cho is the to dance. I have mixed feelings about Margaret Cho. On the one hand, I like to support female comics, and I enjoy most of her comedy from the early to mid '90s. On the other hand, she's kind of a try hard. Ooh, look, I have tattoos and I'm in an open marriage! I talk openly about my sexual peccadillos! Aren't you shocked? No, I'm bored. Moving on. Also, her mom imitation is getting old. Anyway, she's partnered with Louis, and she quickly finds out that she's not graceful. But she's going for it.
So here's what happened. Louis obviously realized that it wasn't going to be good, so they went for funny. And it was all kind of awkward. I couldn't figure out in the first half why Margaret had this sneer on her face, but I think she was going for fierce. Halfway through, she grabbed her scarf and it turned into a flowing cape, which was kind of dramatic. But then they did a bit where it got wrapped around her head and Louis had to rescue her. And then at the end she "falls down" and has a hard time getting back up. Boo. I'm disappointed. I wish she had just danced it straight. She wasn't THAT bad in the opening, and I know that she could ham it up and nail the performance aspect without the comedy. It was all a little too broad for my tastes, but what did the judges think? Bruno speaks for all of us when he yells, "What the hell was that?" He tells her she pushed it too far too soon and she should have just danced. Carrie Ann has to ask her if all the mistakes were on purpose, and Margaret says that they were. Carrie Ann wasn't a fan. Len was encouraged by the beginning, and he thinks the waltz is an inappropriate place for the comedy. I agree wholeheartedly. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5. That was generous. I feel a little bad for Margaret when she explains that she thought it was obviously a joke because of how ridiculous the cape thing was. She must not have seen the show much; I've seen much more ridiculous things passed off with straight faces.
Maks unveils his latest partner, Brandy. She's a fine girl. Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. Maks promises us that he's going to be a good boy this season. Hmm. He tells Brandy that he's trying to soften up and she says that she needs him to push her. Maks is happy to hear it, and also happy that Brandy is really hard on herself, because it means she cares. She's not Kate Gosselin, in other words. Ooh, child. They missed an opportunity not pairing Maks with Kate.
They have the Viennese waltz. Brandy is really graceful and she's got great technique. I would say her area for improvement is connection to her partner and also getting into character. Which is odd, since she's an actress. But she's one to watch. Carrie Ann tells her to smooth it out a little because she's hitting her spot too hard, but she's got great potential. Len tells her that it was fabulous. They must be running long, because Len barely spoke. Bruno tells her that she was sweeping and electrifying, and he can't wait until week. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 23. Brandy practically collapses, she's so excited.
Bristol Palin is up . Look, I don't have anything positive to say about her mother, so I'll shut up, since her mother isn't on the show. I don't really get why Bristol is on this show. I mean, she's in the public eye for sure, and they've had a lot of people on the show that could only be loosely called "stars." I get why the producers wanted her; lots of people will tune in to see what she's like. But why does SHE want to do it? Does she want to be famous? What's her endgame? That's what I don't get. She's young, so maybe it's just, "This would be cool! I'd be on TV!" I just would think, given what she's done in the past few years, that she would understand better than anyone that being on TV isn't always cool. Sigh. So anyway. During rehearsals, she seems kind of shy and...let's be honest, not that bright. She should hang out with Audrina. They could have awesome conversations about... soup (triple bonus for the Best in Show reference). And easily led, which is bad, because her partner is Mark, who has done a lot of things before that I thought were in bad taste or just plain stupid. This could be awesomely terrible.
So they're doing the cha cha to "Mama Told Me Not to Come," and Bristol does not seem to get the double meaning at all. Ugh. Gross. Isn't she supposed to be promoting abstinence? Does that include masturbation? I've gone too far down this line of thought. She starts out in a suit, and quickly rips it off to reveal the dress beneath. And...she's pretty terrible. I do actually admire her courage. I think it was a bad idea to go on the show, but once you agree to it, you've got to go balls out, and she pretty much does. And parts of the routine aren't so bad. She can shake her bum and shimmy her shoulders. She just doesn't always commit to the moves and it looks awkward. She's like that girl on your dance troupe who likes hanging out with the other girls and is nice to everyone, but you always put her in the back row because she's a beat behind and doesn't quite seem to understand the choreography. And now she's got a solo. She's not a performer. Len thinks it was good for week one, and she just needs to loosen up a bit. Bruno praises some of her technique and tells her to work on the performance. Carrie Ann admits that she thought Bristol would be boring, but she showed flashes of really great moves. And that's true. She wasn't boring like some of the models have been. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18. Fair, maybe a little generous.
Hey, you know who finally made it on the show after trying to be on forever? Florence Henderson! And she's paired with my least favorite pro of all time, Corky Ballas. Corky immediately asks her how she feels about being cheeky on the dance floor. Gross. Not because I mind old people being sexy, but because I like when they just dance and I hate Corky's idea of "humor." And I also hate the "oooh, snap that old lady said something dirty" idea of humor.
Ugh. This whole thing is gross. She's very stiff, and the routine is super slow. And it's obviously supposed to be funny, based on the mugging, but I don't get what's funny about it. I wish Corky would just let her dance. Bruno tells her that she's still got it, but she looked insecure about her technique. Carrie Ann says that Florence was obviously enjoying herself, but also feels that she needs to work on technique. Len thought it was entertaining, and he praises Corky. Don't encourage him, Len. I hope she's done. I don't know if I can watch another week of that mess. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I thought it was worse than that, obviously.
You may not recognize Michael Bolton without the hair, but he cut the hair a long time ago. He kind of acts like the hair never happened. He's partnered with Chelsie. During rehearsals, she realizes that his posture is horrible, so she makes him wear that apparatus. Their Viennese waltz starts and for a singer, Michael has terrible rhythm, and you can see him counting in his head. He's like a half beat ahead the whole time, probably due to nerves, and Chelsie choreographed a routine with a lot of footwork, which may not have been a great idea. And for a performer, he's not doing a great job performing. He's kind of just running around and throwing his arms out from time to time.
Judges? Carrie Ann thinks that Michael let Chelsie lead too much, and he didn't serve as the frame enough. And also, he needs to smile more. Len thought he moved around the floor well, but he needs to work on his posture. Bruno thinks that Michael needs to relax and smile, and everything will fall into place. He needs to enjoy it. Also, Michael Bolton is short. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 16. That's fair; not only was it not great, but it was boring.
The Situation wasn't able to start training until five days ago, while everyone else got to train for three weeks. Will it show? I'm going to guess that it will. During rehearsals, The Situation is very aware of the cameras. He keeps looking at the camera and mugging. This could be bad. Karina says that he's genuine and wants to do a good job. That's a bad sign, if she's not talking about how fast he learns the steps.
God bless, Karina. She somehow managed to choreograph a cha cha cha that featured very little dancing but was still entertaining. You know how I said that Kyle's routine should be called the cha? This should be called the ch. There is very little content. And man, is The Situation pigeon-toed. It's almost painful to watch his footwork. But there are little flashes of... not brilliance, exactly, but something not horrible. And his smile is kind of contagious. I do hope they make it through to week, because I'd like to see what he could do with a full week of rehearsal, and I think this will scare him into taking it seriously. I think. Maybe. Len thinks he has potential but he's under-rehearsed and unpolished. And he has the guns but not the ammunition. ZING! Bruno says he may have talent but he has to apply himself. Carrie Ann wants to see what he can do week, and he agrees. Karina is just cracking up. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5.
Jennifer Grey (yes, that's really her after much surgery) is fifty. FIFTY! God, I'm old. They find out that they will be dancing to "These Arms of Mine," and seriously, how many women my age had their sexual awakening to that scene in Dirty Dancing? I got chills when they started playing it. Seriously. Goosebumps. Plus, Otis Redding rules. When she hears the song again, Jennifer gets really emotional, thinking about Patrick Swayze, and can you blame her? I'm kind of emotional and I didn't even know the dude. But I loved that movie. I remember seeing it in the theater and people stood up and cheered during the ending when she does the lift. Anyway.
Derek's no dummy, and he evokes the movie through their opening pose and Jennifer's dress. And guess what? She's fabulous. Not fabulous for a fifty-year-old. Just great. Graceful and beautiful and great footwork. I hope this gets her a career resurgence. Bruno tells her that it was great and she should be proud. Carrie Ann tearfully tells her that she was profound and she just gets better with age. Len loved it but thought the dance suited her, so he wants to see how she does with the jive week. Me too. I hope Derek remembers that she's not the twenty-something Nicole and doesn't throw her around. God, Brooke Burke is the worst. Derek is trying to lighten things up, since everyone is crying, and she tries to bring everyone back down. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24.
The final dancer is David Hasselhoff. I kind of can't stand him. He acts like he's in on the joke, but he's kind of not, and seeing that video of him eating the burger just made me sad for his children. Maybe he will win me over. But not if he keeps wearing those leather pants. Hoff admits that his heart is in the right place, but his body is old, and can't keep up. Maybe he should stop wearing the tank tops then.
So how's the actual dancing then? It's just like everything Hoff does. It's sort of self-parodying, but he dances like an old dude. Stiff, bad arms, and no hip action. He mostly gets the footwork, but just mostly. Judges? Carrie Ann thinks he dances with his mouth and face more than his body. Len tells him it's never too early to panic, which gets a big laugh. He enjoyed the entertaining part, but Len is worried about the quickstep and his lack of technique. Bruno says it was all madness and no dancing. Also, the Hoff is turning into that crazy cat woman who has had all the plastic surgery. Because of the plastic surgery. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 15. Brooke asks how it feels and Hoff says it was fifteen less than they hoped. Awkward pause. Awkward pause. Awkward pause. Brooke sucks.
I think Margaret Cho might be the one to go, because I think her humor just fell flat while at least Hoff and Florence's humor was recognizable as such (barely).
Final Results:
Jennifer and Derek: 24
Kyle and Lacey: 23
Brandy and Maks: 23
Rick and Cheryl: 22
Audrina and Tony: 19
Kurt and Anna: 19
Bristol and Mark: 18
Florence and Corky: 18
Michael and Chelsie: 16
Margaret and Louis: 15
The Situation and Karina: 15
Hoff and Kym: 15
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