Last week, Buzz and Ashly got sent home, and America was alternately sad (that a hero left, apparently) and happy (because it was getting kind of sad to watch Grandpa stiffly lumber around the dance floor) and perplexed (because why is Kate still there and not even in the bottom two?). This week, the couples will be getting separate technical and performance scores for the first time, and will be dancing either the rumba or the tango, two of the most passionate dances. I note that during the "passionate dances" clip portion, they don't show Kate and Tony. I am perversely fascinated with how horrible Kate will be this week. And it'll all happen LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Did you notice that Brooke wears those Herve Leger knockoff (?) bandage dresses every week? Aren't those kind of over? I'll have to check with my Fug Girl pals on that one. The couples are introduced and descend the big staircase. Pam Anderson is wearing a dress that is slit up to her rib cage and you can see all of her asshole, seriously. And I'm so sick of Kate doing that "I (points to eye) love (draws heart in air) you (points at camera)" presumably for her kids. It's so Kate to come up with the most unsubtle, obvious signal to her kids. Like she couldn't just tell them "When I pull on my earlobe, that means I love you" or something. I was thinking about how Kate's picture is in the dictionary to the word humorless, like could you ever imagine her making a joke that was actually funny? I picture her never laughing. She's one of those people who, instead of laughing, just says, "That's funny." I hate those people. Have a human emotion, you robot.
The judges gather to discuss what the various contestants need to do to be successful this week. Kate needs to not suck. Len calls her one-dimensional (and that would be the bitch dimension) but Carrie Ann thinks she might do better with the tango because it calls for smaller movements than the paso. Carrie Ann brings up Erin's hold, and how she had a death grip on Maks' shoulder (maybe because she couldn't see?) and Bruno wants her to translate her elegance into strong lines. Len doesn't think Jake has done enough performing, but I think he's actually done that better than his technique. Len thinks Evan has trouble with precise footwork, and Carrie Ann wants him to point his toes. So I guess those are the couples that are doing the tango? Because they stop there.
Tom explains that the couples doing the tango will have to include three specific moves: Viennese crosses, and outside swivel, and a Contra check. Jonathan and Anna D. come out to perform a tango so that we can see what those moves are; as they reach that portion of the routine, some text pops up on screen to let us know what we're looking at. That's a pretty good way of explaining it. I'm sure I'm one of the few people that cares, but I would prefer to see it done in slow motion or something so I can understand exactly what I'm looking for. But I'm a nerd like that. Also, they danced to "Fire in the Disco" and the band performed it horribly so I was a little distracted.
Last week, Erin and Maks did well, but Len wanted them to have more content, and then after the show, Len gave each couple specific advise on how to improve. He told Erin and Maks that they had sloppy feet. In rehearsals, Maks told Erin that the tango has a lot of footwork, which is her weakness. As Erin works hard to get the footwork right, she injures her back, but she vows to play through the pain. After the break, it's time for their tango, which starts with Erin behind the judges, and she rubs her hands all over Len. We all know he hates faffing about before the dance starts, so maybe that was a naked play for leniency? And the routine itself is a disappointment. I think Erin got messed up in the beginning because Maks was kind of shuffling to try to get them back on track. Erin was so concerned with either getting back on track or getting her footwork right that she forgot about the performance part and basically just looked like a giant doll that Maks was throwing around the floor. The most she did, emotionally, was toss her hair around a lot. I mean, I expected these two to have a really intense, sexual tango, and this was... not that at all. Maybe they finally did it for real and it took all the tension out of their relationship. Or maybe they just screwed up. Anyway, it wasn't good.
Len jokes that the beginning was brilliant, and he appreciated that they had so much content, but she still needs to work on her footwork. Bruno thought she started well, but then she went wrong and never quite got back on track with her performance or technique. Carrie Ann thinks her performance suffered because she was so in her head, thinking about her technique. First up are the technical scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18. Performance scores are Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 21. Thus, their overall score is 39 out of 60. The technical monkeys screw up and put their scores up before they are announced, so the drama is kind of taken out of it. Good job, guys.
Last week, Evan and Anna got the top scores of the night for their quickstep. Evan worries about this, because he thinks people will be gunning for them. Len tells them that Evan needs to work on his footwork. Except that he broke two toes so it's tough for him to do footwork, like stomping and such. Evan is just really boring. I find I don't have much to say about him. And their dance is... okay. I see what Len is saying about his feet. He has really big feet and they seem like they get stuck in between moves. I feel like everyone is kind of sleepwalking tonight; I'm still waiting for the passion we were promised in the opening. And it also doesn't really look like a tango but maybe I'm thinking of Argentine tango instead of regular tango.
Bruno loved the details and the arrogance, and also notes that Evan worked on his feet. Carrie Ann thought his technique was amazing and it helped his performance. Len thought Evan nailed stepping forward on his heel in the Viennese crosses, and the production monkeys manage to have that clip immediately available. What would Len have said if Evan didn't nail that move? Maybe said, "You didn't nail that"? Technical scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9 for a total of 26. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9 for another total of 26 and a grand total of 52. The production monkeys don't even try to show us the totals this time, since they screwed it up last time. Guess that error didn't get fixed during the break.
The judges gather now to talk about the couples doing the rumba. They wonder if Pam Anderson will be able to keep her routine sexy without being raunchy. Carrie Ann wants Chad to perform for the audience, and not just to Cheryl, and work on his posture. Len hopes that Nicole and Derek remember that this is a ballroom dance, and not a music video. Bruno points out that Niecy has trouble keeping everything together; when she gets her arms right, her footwork falters, for example. Carrie Ann thinks Aiden's nerves are making him more stiff and wooden.
The three special moves for the rumba are demonstrated by Dmitry and Kym. So nice to see the other pros getting some work. Kym is wearing a bra and underwear with a men's white shirt on over it. It's somehow more revealing than Edyta's usual costumes, maybe because it's really just underwear. Anyway, the three moves are opening out, sliding doors, and spiral into rope spin. That was damn sexy. I always thought of Kym as kind of stodgy but she's got a smoking body.
Niecy and Louis did great with the performance last week, but not with the technique. Louis goes to visit her on the set of Clean House so they can work on their dance. Louis asks her to dedicate the dance to her brother, who was killed seventeen years ago. Niecy uses that emotion (and some caffeine) to get her through the long days and nights working and rehearsing. It seems kind of weird to dedicate a bedroom dance to your brother, but I guess after last week, Louis knows it won't work to ask us to believe he and Niecy want to sleep together. You know, having said that, their routine was very sexy! Niecy is so great with her arms and shoulders, and her facial expressions rule. She needs to work a bit on the hip action, and she barely bends her knees, though. After the dance, she hugs her mom and cries.
Len says that she was really graceful, but she needs to work on her hip action and make it more dramatic. Bruno agrees that she needs more highlights and drama. Carrie Ann thought it was a lovely tribute to her brother, but she needs to dance bigger. I thought that was nicely restrained. We know Niecy can do big, right? Backstage, Niecy says that she was trying to show that there's life on the other side of loss. Technical scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18 again, and a grand total of 36. Boo.
Aiden and Edyta showed improvement with his quickstep last week, but Len advised him to perform bigger week. Aiden admits that fear gets in the way of his performance. In rehearsals, Edyta has to practically bully Aiden into grabbing her and feeling her up. They go to some soap opera fan event and all the ladies there are kind of creeping me out, urging Aiden to take his shirt off and dance around. He's not a piece of meat, ladies! He's a person. In their routine, Aiden does a much better job with the performing aspect, and gets the arms and hands right for about half of the routine, but sometimes he forgets. There's not much hip action either, and he was more sharp than flowing.
Carrie Ann thought he was connected to his partner and performance, but she thought his movements needed work. Len didn't feel enough flow because it was all stops and starts. Agreed. Bruno liked his Blue Steel looks, but his moves were too robotic and not flowing enough. Aiden can only laugh. What can you do? Technical scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 15. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18 and a grand total of 33.
Last week, Derek and Nicole got in trouble for ignoring the rules of the quickstep. During rehearsals, Nicole and Derek have a hard time not cracking up when trying to be sexy with each other. In addition, Nicole works hard on her technique, due to the new scoring. Does anyone really buy that they have this much trouble in rehearsals? Their clip package should just be, "They're awesome. Here, watch them dance." Their routine is good, but it's not flawless. Nicole needs to work on her hip action a little bit. I mean, that's really nitpicky because her technique is really, really good. It seems short, though.
Bruno thinks she's beautiful, but was surprised to see a few stumbles and he wants more hip action. I promise you that I type my descriptions before the judges talk, and that's what I said! I'm as shocked as you are. Carrie Ann noticed that she was nervous and shaky, but she liked her traditional lines. Len liked the balance between technique and performance, but he thought her sliding doors were a little wonky in the arms. Backstage, Brooke has to remind us again that she was on this show and was Derek's partner. It's not about you, Brooke. Technical scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 25. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 9 for a total of 25 again and a total of 50.
Jake and Chelsie spent the week trying to make us believe that they get along great! Really! And Jake's not an asshole! Really! Jake comes to rehearsal wearing a shirt that says "Turn Up, Keep Up, Shut Up" and on the back "Trust your pro." I hope he takes that advice. They work really hard to make it look like they are having fun in rehearsals, but there's a lot of stumbling and Jake getting angry at himself. They're doing the tango. Jake's posture is much better, but he needs to work on his feet too. He's kind of pigeon-toed and it shows. And then about three-quarters of the way through, he stumbles and, when trying to get back on track, goes crazy intense. It's kind of scary, actually. He's twirling in double time and throwing Chelsie around, instead of listening to the music. He does actually almost get it right by the end, but yikes! If that's how he reacts in pressure situations, I don't know how he hasn't crashed a plane yet.
Len likes how he attacked the dance and had enthusiasm, which led to his stumble and the dance falling apart. Bruno liked the energy but thought it was messy, which made him lose his posture and footwork. Bruno advises him to make it clean. Carrie Ann thinks the biggest problem is how Jake holds Chelsie, but she liked the performance aspect. Technical scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 6 for a total of 19. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for another 19. If both scores are going to be the same, why have two scores? Anyway, their total is 38.
Kate lumbered around the stage last week and the judges pointed it out. In rehearsal, Kate is whiny. She complains about how she has to check the news every day to see what her day will be like. Maybe she could ignore it and just live her damn life? Ugh, she drives me crazy. Tony tells her to do well to rub it in Jon's face, essentially. And then Kate goes on to make more excuses about why she's going to be terrible. And then Tony makes excuses about how her problem is doubting herself. Are you kidding me? Kate has never doubted a move she's made in her whole life. All she thinks about is herself. Gah. I should just skip her clip packages from now on and enjoy the goofiness of her dances. So how is their tango? You know, it's... better! I mean, it's still terrible. And her face is still expressionless, except for one small smile at Tony when she gets a move right. But there is actual footwork happening in one section, and she snaps her head sharply a few times. It's on the beat. These are small things, but given what I was expecting, there is definite improvement. But she's still the worst dancer left. I'm almost disappointed that she didn't do worse. If she would just shut up and dance each week, I wouldn't hate her so much. But then she has to open her yap.
Bruno thought it was a breakthrough, and she was even dancing at times, but her technique was still very bad. Carrie Ann is proud of her, because she's determined, even though she did a sort-of lift at the end. Len tells Tony that he's done a great job getting the best out of Kate that he could. Is this the week that the judges are nice to her to try to avoid people voting for her in an "Eff you judges" move? Kate's makeup is even better this week. Backstage, Brooke asks Kate a question and she can't respond and Tony says, "Wow, Kate Gosselin speechless. This is awesome." I don't think he meant it how it sounded, but that was revealing. Technical scores: Carrie Ann 4, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 14. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18 and a grand total of 32. Those performance scores were generous, since her facial expression didn't change.
Chad and Cheryl are doing the rumba this week, and I'm a little nervous that he's going to start humping her on the dance floor. Chad is psyched to show the women how good his hips are; he practices in the mirror while Cheryl is busy texting in the corner. Cheryl works with him on being soft and gentle instead of so intense and physical. And she flashes the ring her bought her. Damn, girl. Anyway, their routine is AWESOME. His posture is so much improved. He manages to have great hip action. His movements are even graceful and he shows great musicality. Where was this Chad in the first few weeks? There are still some problems, but overall it's so much better.
Carrie Ann says this was his best dance by miles, with much better posture and hip action. Len also liked the posture and performance. Chad does something to Len but we don't see it because the producers cut to Chad's daughter, I think? Bruno loved how Chad was fluid and sustained the line. Cheryl is thrilled with how well they did. She's bouncing around like a giddy schoolgirl. Technical scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 8 for a total of 21. Aw, I thought they'd do better there. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8 for a total of 23 and a grand total of 44.
Pamela and Damian are the final couple. Len warned her to refine her dancing, and not make it too raunchy. During rehearsals, she struggles with the timing because it's a slower dance. And they definitely have chemistry. As they wait for their music to start, Pam looks really, really stoned. Like her eyes are slits. Maybe she thought she needed a downer to calm down her natural manic energy. During their routine, Pam's body is such a distraction to me. I try to look at her footwork and hip action, and I get distracted by her boobs. And I'm a straight woman. I can't imagine how straight men/gay women handle it! So I really have nothing to say, other than boobs.
Len liked that it was quiet and sophisticated, and she nailed her spiral step. Bruno thought she was refined and elegant while staying sexy, and it was her best dance technically. Carrie Ann loved how she finished her lines, and she just needs to watch her arms. Technical scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 23. Performance scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 9 for a total of 24 and grand total of 47.
Here are the scores: Technical + Performance = Total:
Evan and Anna: 26 + 26 = 52
Nicole and Derek: 25 + 25 = 50
Pamela and Damian: 23 + 24 = 47
Chad and Cheryl: 21 + 23 = 44
Erin and Maks: 18 + 21 = 39
Jake and Chelsie: 19 + 19 = 38
Niecy and Louis: 18 + 18 = 36
Aiden and Edyta: 15 + 18 = 33
Kate and Tony: 14 + 18 = 32
Relive some recent dances and find out who we think will win.