Whew! Week one is done and in the record books. And what did we all learn? We learned that it's a damn shame that you can't vote someone OFF this show instead of voting to keep someone on. We learned that bitchface never goes out of style. We learned that while people will tune in to see Pam shake her boobies, they won't vote to keep them around for another week. And we learned that America loves the space program, even if we don't really want to pay for it anymore. So let's move on to week two and learn some all new lessons this week, shall we? LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
I think the opening stair walk segment is boring as hell and a waste of time, but it does have the advantage of giving us a sneak preview of the weird outfits people are wearing. You don't get to look very long. Just enough time to go, "What the...what?" and then you have to wait until the couple comes out to perform to get the full deal. Like for example Chelsie is wearing some sort of black Cleopatra style wig and I think her blonde hair is sticking out underneath it or maybe that's intentional but we won't know! Until she comes out to dance for real! Also do you ever notice that they put Kate and Pamela last? It's because those are the two that everyone is tuning in to see. I have friends who used to make fun of me for watching this show and this season, they are watching for those two.
Remember last week when Len told the couples to tell a story through their dance? So now they have to do that. Aren't they kind of always supposed to be telling a story through their dance? In a clip package, each couple gives a little preview of their story, but let's save it for the actual dance, okay?
To show us what the judges will be looking for, some of the pros who aren't on this season (I recognize Jonathan, Dmitri, and Lacey right off the top) came out and perform the waltz, the paso doble, and the quickstep. I appreciate the effort and all, but this doesn't really tell me what the judges are looking for. It would be more useful if the judges (well, really just Len) did a voiceover explaining what we were looking at. Like in the waltz, it should be smooth and in the paso, they should be assertive or whatever. Anyway, it's nice to see those guys getting some work.
Evan is the first to dance tonight. In his clip package, he wants Anna to talk in a Russian accent. Is he making fun of Johnny Weir? Anyway, they have the quickstep this week. And Evan almost has a sense of humor! It's very deadpan, but it's there. Their story is that they're married and his wife is late. Wow. What a thriller. Can I buy the movie rights? They start out with some business where Evan is pacing around and Len is going to hate that. But the dance itself is really, really good. Evan is tall and lanky, which is perfect for the quickstep. Very Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life. And he's graceful! And he keeps up with the fast footwork; so often in this dance, it seems like the pro is just dragging the star along, but Evan is leading. I don't really get the story other than that business at the beginning, but Evan performed it as well as danced it, so we'll see what the judges think.
Len liked the story and says it cheered him up, but advises Evan to work on his feet a bit. Bruno liked that Evan "dumped" Anna at the end (on the floor) and tells Evan that he agrees about the foot issue. Carrie Ann calls it twinkling and energetic, which is a great description. Backstage, Evan admits that he has a couple of broken toes, but you really couldn't tell. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9.
Let's get Buzz's routine over with. Although he is doing the waltz this week, and if there were any dance he might do well with, this is it. I mean, seriously. Can you imagine him doing the quickstep? Or the paso doble? I'm almost starting to believe that the fix is in with Buzz because he really did get the one dance this week that he can reasonably do. Anyway, their story is that Buzz is a returning war hero and Ashly is his daughter. Glad they didn't pretend that she's his sweetheart because...gross. In rehearsals, Ashly tells Buzz that he's overthinking it and he needs to just move to the music, but he doesn't get that, because he's basically an engineer and thinks like one. So how does the final product come out? Well, it's better than either routine last week. He mostly remembers the steps and his stiff posture is actually an asset. The thing is, it's not just that he's old, and his body isn't flexible. It's also that he has no musicality or sense of rhythm. You can see him thinking through the steps and it's robotic -- "Extend left arm for two beats and then step forward with right foot at a 45 degree angle" or whatever, instead of feeling the emotion of the music. That said, I think that was probably the best routine Buzz will do on this show.
Bruno says that there were "problems with the movement" but Buzz looked regal. Carrie Ann thought the story was great even if the dancing wasn't great. Len liked the innocent charm but they're judging the dancing, and it was too simple and underperformed. The audience boos. Really, audience? You thought that was good? Simmer down. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 4. Hmm. I thought it was a little bit better than that. Like a few points better.
Jake seems to have powder all over the lapels of his suit. What's up with that? Is it part of his costume or a mistake? They have the quickstep and Chelsie decides that Jake will be an archeologist and she's going to be Cleopatra. In rehearsal, they get frustrated with each other and Jake has to leave and get a hold of himself. He thinks Chelsie is being disrespectful. Yes, how dare she tell him what to do! Was he like this when he was The Bachelor? He kind of comes off as a dick with control and anger issues. So how's their dance? Surprisingly, it's not bad. Jake keeps up well with the footwork and what's more impressive to me is that he acts out his role well, seeming surprised when Chelsie/Cleopatra emerges etc. I mean, it's corny, but have you seen this show? There's a lot of faux-Egyptian moves and I'm not sure how traditional Len will like that, but it's entertaining, at least.
Carrie Ann points out that Jake's legs were soft. Len advises Jake to straighten his legs sometimes, but adds that it was entertaining with high production values. Bruno loved the story, but the dancing technique could have been a bit better. Backstage, Brooke once again keeps the mike on them too long during the interview and it's awkward. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7.
Niecy and Louis have decided to tell the story of a cross-racial couple in the '60s who weren't allowed to be together due to the laws of the time. Niecy really gets into the emotion of not being able to be with the one you love due to laws or social norms and Louis cries too. Then he admits, "I'm still in that boat." Did he just come out on the show? Have they admitted before that he's gay? That's awesome. I'm totally voting for them now. There's a lot of coded language in this clip package. So how is their actual waltz? Niecy bungles a few of the steps, but she's graceful throughout and doesn't drop the character. The choreography is really beautiful, and at the end Niecy and Louis are both clearly very touched.
Len loved that they created a story just through acting with no props, and they nailed the emotion, but not the technique. Bruno thought it was acted well, but Niecy needs to work on her feet. Carrie Ann didn't get the ending of their dance, but she's glad they chose the story they did. As Carrie Ann speaks, a single tear drops down Niecy's face. OSCAR! Backstage, Niecy admits that she stumbled in the dance because she's not used to being so emotionally vulnerable in front of people. Louis concludes, "Everybody should be able to get married!" I totally agree but I'm kind of surprised that the producers let them get so political. Good for them, especially given how many people affected by the ban on gay marriage probably work on the show. Scores:
Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7.
Oh, Ochocinco. Please do better this week. Cheryl tells Chad in rehearsals that their story is going to be him trying to seduce her and her refusing him. Chad jokes that it's art imitating life, but he has a lot of trouble with the steps. He knows that NFL players have always done well with the paso, so he needs a comeback. Well, he does a great job with the story and the passion of the dance, but his technique is still pretty terrible. He just sort of throws his arms up in the air instead of placing them, and his posture is not the way it needs to be in a paso.
Bruno starts out with the first "release the Kraken" joke, and says that he loved the attitude and it was much better, even if the lines were a bit off. Carrie Ann loves how he used his energy to focus on Cheryl and it was much better. Len agrees that it was better, but he needs to work on his posture. I really hope he gets to stick around and do another Latin dance because I think he could do better with that. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7. That's about right.
Pamela admits that she didn't put much effort into the voting last week, and she didn't even get her kids or her ex-husband to vote for her, and she's learned her lesson. I've read the stories about how Pamela refused to be interviewed unless they had certain lighting, and if you look at her interview segments, you can see that she has very different lighting than everyone else. Pamela is worried about doing the paso doble because she's really against bull fighting. So how do you solve that moral quandary? You invite Charo to your rehearsal! I mean, obviously. Duh. Anyway, their paso isn't as good as their routines last week. Pamela seems unfocused at times and she screws up the steps more than once. I also don't really get what the story is supposed to be other than the usual paso story. She looks pretty good, though.
Carrie Ann got that the story was supposed to be that she hated the bull fighter, but she thought Pamela got too into it and threw herself off. Len liked the intensity but she needs to refine the dance. Bruno agreed it was sexy, but it was also a really good performance. Really? I didn't think it was that great. Well, let's see what the scores are, because that's what matters. Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Behind them, you can see Kate talking to Jake and looking miserable as always.
Aiden puked from nerves after his dance last week, and thank God they got it on tape and showed us this week! Anyway, they have the quickstep this week, and their story is that Aiden is painting the woman of his dreams and she comes to life. Aiden reveals something about rehearsing the quickstep that I hadn't really considered -- you can't practice it full speed every time or you would die. But even rehearsing at half or three quarter speed is exhausting. You know what part of the problem for this couple is? No chemistry. You'd think between sex bomb Edyta and Aiden's soap acting skills, they could brew up some chemistry, but there just isn't any. None. Maybe they hate each other? No, because even then there would be intensity of emotion. Aiden gets most of the steps down but it's just...lackluster. And he screws up the first pass. And the song sucks. It's just sort of there, all around. He has nice posture? I wanted to say something nice.
Len says it was too careful, and that's what I was trying to say. Bruno thought it was an improvement in both confidence and technique. Carrie Ann thinks he's more at ease, but he was a little too skippy for her. Like he was bouncing around the floor. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7.
Erin and Maks have the waltz this week, and their story is that Erin is giving herself over to Maks, and to demonstrate it, she's going to dance blindfolded. You guys, they are totally doing it. I just started sweating while watching them rehearse. Erin realizes she has control issues and has a hard time submitting, so this is a challenge. Man, I don't know what the story is they are trying to tell, but I think it's "we are having sex a lot and we might do it right here on the dance floor." Damn. So Erin starts the dance regular, and then Maks puts the blindfold on her. Whoo! Kinky. Can't wait to see what Bruno has to say about this. At the end, she rips off the blindfold and twirls it around. I don't even know how she danced. I couldn't pay attention. That was hot.
Bruno tells Erin that she's kinky, and then gets to the dancing. He advises Erin to connect her phrases better. Carrie Ann loved the storytelling and their prop and she loved it. Len thought there was too much business at the beginning and it was boring. He liked what waltzing she did, but there wasn't enough of it. He asks for more dancing. Tom jokes to Erin, "Apparently you weren't the only one blindfolded." As Tom tries to read the teleprompter to throw to commercial, Maks blindfolds him and Tom barely misses a beat because he is awesome. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8.
Ugh. Kate and Tony. I don't even want to watch this. So they're dancing to "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga, which Kate says she can relate to. Tony thinks Kate is bottling up her emotions so he brings in an acting coach. Kate still can't get her face to match what she's feeling, so they have her punch a punching bag to express her anger. She's still got dead eyes. You guys, I think she's just a sociopath. Or a robot. Or an alien trying to learn how to be human and failing. That would explain so much, actually. So the story of their dance is that Kate is... herself? A celebrity? And Tony is a member of the paparazzi taking her picture. Oh my God, I just burst out laughing and had to pause the recording. Kate is clomping around like a cow and her way of showing anger on her face is baring her teeth in a sneer for .5 seconds. She really is a robot. It's like "Clomp, clomp, turn, clomp, clomp, sneer." Does she look in the mirror while she's dancing at all? Does she think this looks good? After her two sneers, she goes back to her usual blank face for the rest of the dance. Earlier, in her clip package, she said that if she's thinking about cooking dinner, you'll see that on her face while she's dancing and that's not true. She's just BLANK. There is nothing there. My favorite part is at the end, after fighting Tony the whole dance, she grabs onto his leg like, "Don't go!" Did she think through the implications of that? Because I think it's totally true -- she claims to hate the fame yet she needs it, or thinks she does, to make a living. Okay, let me say two nice things. One, it took balls to come back out this week after the drubbing she took last week. And two, she pointed her toes on her kicks this week, which she didn't do before. Ooh, look at her fellow contestants "clapping" for her. Niecy has it all over her face. I wish Niecy would call me and give me the behind-the-scenes dirt.
Carrie Ann says it was odd, and hard to watch. None of the emotion made it to Kate's face. Len thinks she got over her nerves, but all she did was walk around with no intensity. Bruno thought she played the "super bitch from hell" with her face (um, how is that different from any other week?) and now she needs to dance instead of walk around the floor. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Dude, that was generous.
Nicole and Derek are the final dancers of the episode. Thank God I get to cleanse my palate from the horror of Kate. Derek has come up with a story for their quickstep where they are two sailors slacking off. Nicole's sailor is showing a lot of cleavage. I didn't know sailors had that kind of boobage. Don't ask, don't tell. They're trying to do a vaudeville routine but Nicole gets frustrated and scared and melts down in rehearsal. See, that's the "she's not perfect and feeling the weight of expectations" edit, so we'll feel sorry for her even though she got 10s last week. And wow, it's really good again. I don't think Nicole's technique is perfect, and I'm not seeing a lot of quickstep content, but she's such a performer and Derek's choreography is so good that
1 2 3
this seriously looks like a lost number from one of the old Gene Kelly musicals. It's pretty amazing, especially when you consider it's week two.
Len thought the story and performance were clever, but it wasn't a quickstep. There was a lift and they broke hold. Bruno thought it was a great performance too, but they broke the rules of the dance. Carrie Ann admits that they broke two rules, but she still wants front row seats to their performance. It is tough. Is it fair to the other dancers if one couple is allowed to just do whatever they want, no matter what dance they are assigned? No matter how fun it is to watch? Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 6, and Bruno 9. Derek laughs at Len's score. They know that the home audience will vote for them BECAUSE Len was so mean, so I'm sure they're not worried.
Here are the final scores:
Evan and Anna: 26
Erin and Maks: 23
Nicole and Derek: 23
Jake and Chelsie: 21
Niecy and Louis: 21
Pamela and Damian: 21
Chad and Cheryl: 20
Aiden and Edyta: 20
Kate and Tony: 15
Buzz and Ashly: 13
1 2 3