It's the first results show of the season, which is always the most exciting because you really have no idea what the voters think. After a while, you get a sense for who is a crowd favorite and who's on the way out. But this first week, anything could happen!
And they're not messing around, as Tom and Brooke immediately appear to tell us one couple that is safe and one couple that is in the bottom two. They're not even trying to pretend like it's randomly selected couple that may or may not be in the bottom score-wise, which I appreciate. So the safe couple is... Buzz and Ashly. America loves a hero, I guess. Even one that really can't dance... on a dancing competition show. And the first couple in the bottom two is Pamela and Damien. Pam doesn't even get what just happened and she has to ask Damien what just happened. The crowd is as shocked as Pam.
Brooke throws to a clip package where Len tells us how awesome last night's dances were. This leads into a recap of each routine with included confessionals. The highlights are Jake saying that he danced the best that he can (and Chelsie agrees). So is he peaking in the first week? Kate claims that she's not upset with herself because she wanted to show that she was having fun. That was her having fun? Do you think she even knows what fun is? Has she ever had fun in her life? Buzz realizes that his scores are horrible and he'll need audience votes to stay, and I guess it worked since we already know he's safe. And for the encore dance, we're going to see Derek and Nicole. On watching it again, I still think it was overscored last night, but Nicole does know how to sell the hell out of the routine. She's sticking her butt out too much, though. But compare her to Kate or really any of the dudes other than Evan and it's like she's a pro already. Reminds me of Kristi Yamaguchi.
The pros are here to do a routine choreographed by Michael Jackson's choreographers. It starts with Maks opening his shirt so the ladies will like that one. And probably some of the dudes. Anyway, it's okay but I'm not a fan of the more modern routines, although I'm sure the pros appreciate the chance to do something different.
My good buddy Ace Carolla is back with his segment "Between the Mirrorballs." He manages to rip on Buzz's astronaut t-shirts, Edyta's frequent partner injuries, and Bruno's sexuality (in a loving way, of course). I enjoyed that segment. Of course, I did.
More results! Who else is safe? Aiden and Edyta! Aiden looks shocked. SHOCKED! I'm kind of shocked too. Who else is safe? Niecy and Louis! YAAAAAAAY! I was starting to get worried. I love my Niecy. You know who doesn't look upset about the possibility of getting eliminated? Tony. You know who else? Chelsie. I get the vibe that Chelsie isn't crazy about Jake. Brooke interviews Pam and Damien backstage, and it makes no sense. I don't think Brooke is even listening to their answers -- she's just reading the cue cards and sticking her mic out and waiting for them to stop talking. Buzz admits that the judges probably scored him correctly, but he thinks the people at home appreciated his patriotism. Because, you know, this contest is sponsored by the American Legion, like the essay contest I won in the seventh grade. Oh, wait. It's totally not.
Are you missing Melissa Rycroft? Well, you won't have to wait long to see her again because she won the Design-A-Dance contest as the female dancer. Now we get to vote on her partner. Weird that they aren't having any pros dance this season; she'll be dancing with another celebrity. I would vote for Lance Bass out of the given options, I think.
Time for a performance by The Beach Boys feat. John Stamos on drums. Wow. This is kind of depressing. How many times do you think they've performed "California Girls" at this point? Thousands? Tens of thousands? They must be so sick of this goddamn song. I mean, I'm kind of sick of it. Some of the pros come out and dance. Oof. "Kokomo" sounds horrible. I mean, more horrible than usual. It's way off key. Also, if John Stamos is such a great drummer, why do they have a second drummer. Oh, he's playing the congos. Like Matthew McConaughey. Except clothed. Which is a shame. Watching them perform is more depressing than watching Buzz Aldrin dance, which is saying something.
Tom and Brooke introduce a segment called "The Len Commandments." I'm looking forward to this. They are as follows:
Thou shalt not kill time (i.e. no messing about at the beginning of the routine)
Thou shalt not take the judges' names in vain.
Thou shalt not steal dance moves. Since they all rehearse together in the same building, they tend to watch each other rehearse, which can lead to stealing.
Thou shalt not interrupt me. That one is specifically for Bruno.
Thou shalt not do lifts. Carrie Ann will get you! Though it would be nice if the show would define for once and for all what exactly constitutes a lift, since it seems to change depending on how Carrie Ann feels that day.
Thou shalt have rhinestones.
Thou may honor the judges. With gifts.
Hey, that's only seven! Shouldn't there be ten? I actually enjoyed that segment, and I usually hate this show's stupid time-killing segments. When they return, Len says that they think this is a great cast, but the judges are issuing a challenge. They want to see a story, but not with gimmicks and tricks, but through the dance. Everyone looks confused, especially Brooke.
Who's safe? Evan and Anna! I don't know what is up with Anna's hair. Are those extensions? If so, they are really bad. They look all frizzy and dried out. Or is that her real hair. I love Anna, but she might want to look into some hot oil. Do they still make hot oil treatments? Alberto VO5 and such? Or now that people don't really get perms anymore, have those gone out? I am old.
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After the break, Tom and Brooke are ready to reveal two more couples who are safe. The first is... Jake and Chelsie. And the second is... Nicole and Derek. Man, could Kate look more miserable? I'm seriously asking. Could she? Would it kill her to smile? No, I'm asking. Would it kill her? Because if so, I would pay someone to sneak in and tickle-assassinate her maybe. Um, you didn't read that.
So now there's a dance tribute to the victims of the Haiti earthquake? Which seems more than a little strange? First, they have to explain to use that there was an earthquake in Haiti, and while I appreciate that they're making an effort to make sure people don't forget that the people of Haiti still need our help even though their situation isn't making headlines anymore, I don't know that we need the clip package. So apparently there are a bunch of ballroom dancers from Haiti. Whoa, now I feel like shit because one of the dancers found out that his baby son died in the catastrophe. Um, I'm just going to stop talking about this now. I'll just say that they feel that dancing is a part of Haiti's culture, and it expresses hope. So they do a routine, and it's very professional and well-done.
I just fast forwarded through the commercials and I went a little far so I had to pause (wow, was that more information than you needed) and they were showing Kate's face and she was totally rolling her eyes. God, she is horrible. I'm going to be so mad when she gets to stay and someone more deserving goes home. Backstage, Brooke is terrible some more.
So now that we've seen Brooke being terrible, let's watch a clip package of how hard she works with her three kids. I refuse to believe that she doesn't have a nanny or something. Then she does hair and makeup, and then they have a dress rehearsal. Did you know that Brooke and Tom use a teleprompter? And that in the backstage interviews, Brooke is on her own? Gee, you can't tell, based on how horrible she is when freelancing it and how wooden she is when reading. She's no Tom Bergeron. But then, no one is.
Then Tom and Brooke screw up and both start to read about the safe couple, which is...Erin and Maks. And Tom takes the blame for it, but I'm sure it was Brooke's fault. Joining them on the safe side are...Chad and Cheryl. WOOOOO! I know Ochocinco is going to tear it up week. I am confident.
Now we get to find out who will be in the bottom two with Pam and Damien. It's either Shannen and Mark or Kate and Tony. They do it weirdly, by talking about all three remaining couples when we already know that Pam and Damien are in the bottom. When they show Kate and Tony, Tony is just laughing. And they finally reveal that Kate and Tony are safe, of course, and Kate finally shows an emotion when she jumps and hugs Tony and screams.
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So who's going home, Pam or Shannen? And it's... Shannen and Mark. I feel badly for Shannen; she was way better than about half the couples. But I'm kind of glad that Mark will be gone. In her exit interview, Shannen says that she knows she's not a dancer, and then they reveal that Mark is injured and would have had to take six weeks off anyway, so Shannen would have danced with Mark's dad Corky. THANK GOD WE WERE SPARED THAT! As much as Mark bugs me, Corky bugs me even more. Shannen seems happy that she got to dance for her dad, but also happy that she's done, so I guess it's not so bad. And maybe people will vote for anyone but Kate week and get her off. Although I'm enjoying the trainwreck, just a little. But not for too long. No Master P, please.
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