Welcome back, my friends, to the show that sometimes feels like it never ends. Weren't we just watching Gilles and that gymnast chick? And suddenly it's an all new season with more contestants than ever before, which just means more chaff we have to sort through to get to the wheat? I mean, every season there are really only maybe five or six that matter and sometimes it feels like we'd all be better off if they eliminated like ten contestants by week two and then let the actual good contestants compete longer. So tonight it's just the men and tomorrow night it's just the women, and then two couples (not ten) will go home on Wednesday night. And it'll all happen LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Ugh, "The Boys Are Back in Town." Did anyone else ever see that bit where Triumph the Insult Comic Dog went around the Grammys or some such event and tried to get people to sing along with this song? And Melissa Etheridge was awesomely into it? That's all I can think of when I hear this song now. But this show, of course, chooses to do the most literal interpretation of the song possible and have all the male pros out there dancing together. And look, the pros are talented, and I do dig when they all dance together, but as an opening number to the entire season? I don't know. I guess it's better than the Michael Jackson/Patrick Swayze tribute numbers that you know are coming up. Anyway, that's all we get of the male pros tonight, since it's the amateur men/pro women night tonight.
The couples are introduced and make their entrances down the stairs, but I'm going to save my thoughts for when each couple dances. Except to say that Kelly Osbourne is way taller than I thought, and seriously adorbs. Love her already, but I've always had a soft spot for her.
First up for the night and the season is Aaron Carter. He's allegedly had a bunch of top ten singles, but I don't know any of them. I only know him from that horrible Carter family reality show that was on E! some time ago, and because he looks like his brother Nick but with meth face. I'm not saying he's on meth; he's just got meth face and needs to gain like twenty pounds and get some color. And when someone on this show looks pale, you know it's a problem, because they are not stingy with the spray tan. Aaron's partner is Karina, she of the recently-broken engagement to Maks, and man am I sick of hearing about that, so this is the last time I'll mention it. In rehearsal, Karina works with Aaron to get his hip movements right, and he won't shut up about how hot Karina is. We get it. You're straight.
So they are up first with the cha cha cha. I always try to just watch the dance, and then hit pause and type my description and thoughts before I see what the judges think, which means that sometimes I am way off. Also, I've somehow forgotten everything I've learned from covering this show for two-and-a-half seasons. Anyway, Aaron's hands and feet look great: very sharp, toes pointed, good placement. His posture is very good for the first week, although he does need to stick his chest out more, and his hip action isn't bad either. He reminds me of Joey McIntyre from the first season. They kind of screw up their ending, but given how good they were going first, I think they'll be fine. And he looks like he's having fun, but then again, he's a seasoned performer. Brother Nick is in the audience, along with (I think) a few other Backstreet Boys.
Judges? Len thought it was "full of potential," even if he was a bit stiff at times. Bruno thought it was sharp and edgy, and agrees that he has a lot of potential. Now he needs to work on reigning in his energy, and Tom points out that Bruno has the same problem. Carrie Ann thought it was great overall, and has a few small pointers to help with improvement. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 7 for a total of 22, and a great score for the first week.
up is Chuck Liddell, and his partner Anna T. He's a former UFC fighter, for those who don't know. He's a stocky sparkplug of a dude, and I'm just really happy to see Anna T. back. I love how bitchy she is. When they meet up, he shows Anna his kickboxing moves, and she has to somehow figure out how to translate that into the grace of the ballroom, since their first dance is foxtrot. Anna T. tries to figure out how to get him to smile while he's dancing so that he doesn't scare the audience. Chuck explains that he has a hard time smiling when he knows the steps aren't right.
So how are they? Well, he's really stiff. And not that graceful. And he has horrible hand and arm placement. He just looks like he's concentrating REALLY hard on not forgetting the steps, and to his credit, he doesn't seem to, but he also doesn't seem to be having any fun. Physically, he reminds me a little of Adam Carolla; he doesn't have a lot of rhythm but he is light on his feet. He's not the worst I've ever seen, but I don't see him lasting too long. The crowd loves him, though.
Judges? Bruno says something I totally don't understand about the gentle Neanderthal, and adds that the foxtrot was terrible, but Chuck should get more time to work on it because people love him. Carrie Ann admits that he has a lot to work on it and make his movements purposeful, but he charmed the audience. Len says it was much better than he thought it would be, and he smiled the whole time. Aw. That's a nice thing to say. People are rooting for Chuck. He's just trying so hard. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 16. The audience boos loudly.
The third couple is Mark Dacascos (who you may know from Iron Chef America or his martial arts films) and Lacey. Mark seems to have some natural hip action and he's extremely flexible. It must be nice for Lacey after having the injury-prone goofball Steve-O last season.
They are doing the cha cha cha to, I shit you not, "Kung Fu Fighting." I really hate how literal this show is sometimes. COME ON. Mark has great hip action, but he's a little out-of-control at times, and he needs to work on being up on his toes more and less flat-footed. But he definitely brings a lot of energy to the floor, and Lacey did a good job choreographing to his strengths, e.g. lots of kicks.
Judges? Carrie Ann like the potential in his agility and flexibility but he needs to work on his arms. Len doesn't like gimmicks and he wants to make sure that they don't put martial arts in every dance, but he liked the hip action. Bruno thinks they sometimes went for tricks at the expense of the dancing. In his backstage interview, Mark reveals that Lacey is encouraging him to show his man-boobs. Ew. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7, for a total of 21.
Back in the second season, we had George Hamilton; this season, we have his son Ashley, who is partnered with Edyta. Ashley claims that he's an actor and a comedian. Really? Is he out there working the clubs? Ashley and Aaron need to go on the same weight gain 3000 diet. Ashley tells Edyta that he was in a horrible motorcycle accident that put him a wheelchair for a year, and he still has weakness on his left side. He doesn't want to use it as an excuse, but it explains why he has trouble at times.
So how's their foxtrot? He does well when they're in hold, but once they go out of hold, his footwork is atrocious. He's really pigeon-toed and flat-footed. He needs to stick his chest out more, also. Edyta does her level best to distract by appearing nearly naked, but it's not good.
Judges? Len says that the first week is the hardest because you just want to get through the routine, and while his footwork was mostly correct, he needs to work on his finesse. Bruno says that there was a "total lack of showmanship" and Ashley needs to sell it more. Carrie Ann thinks they look stunning, but they need to make themselves stand out more. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 6, and Bruno 4 for a total of 15. Ouch.
Hey, it's Donny Osmond. I feel like he's already been on this show. He's partnered with Kym. Donny gets all embarrassed when he has to touch parts of Kym's bodies that are usually covered by special Mormon underwear. He giggles like a little kid. But he vows to finish higher than Marie, who finished third in her season. Yeah, well she should have been out about three weeks before she was.
They're doing the foxtrot to "All That Jazz." Donny is graceful and light on his feet, although some of his arm and leg placements leave something to be desired. And he doesn't really turn on the showmanship until the very end, which surprises me. I thought he'd be all performer, all the time.
Judges? Bruno thought it was "full frontal theatrical," but he needs to work on his shoulders. Carrie Ann thinks it was a pleasure to watch him, and adds that he's a fan favorite, but he needs to concentrate on the technique. Len thought it was too theatrical and he wants to see more ballroom. I think Jermaine Jackson is sitting to Marie Osmond in the audience. This show is freaking weird. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7 for a total 20. Donny admits that he got caught up in the moment and forgot his technique.
Louie Vito is an Olympic snowboarder who has no dance experience and has never even seen an episode of the show. He's tiny so he's paired with Chelsie. He has a lot of trouble in rehearsal, and while he's cute, he's not a great dancer.
Does he do any better in the actual foxtrot? He does great when he's in hold, and when he's not, he's surprisingly good. And he looks like he's having a blast. Either that, or he's really high. He has a grin on his face the whole time, and he flubs a few steps, but he keeps his posture and footwork in check.
Judges? Carrie Ann is pleasantly surprised and liked it overall. Len gives him crap about his long hair, but then says that his technique was good. Bruno calls him a "little dancing hobbit," and it was charming even though it lacked fluidity. But he thinks Louie can improve with time. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 6 for a total of 19. Man, Len is softening up this season.
Michael Irvin is a retired football player, and he was paired with the newest pro, Anna D. Michael explains that he was inspired to do the show by Jerry Rice, who is the all-time leading wide receiver. Michael figures this is his only chance to beat Jerry. His rehearsals feature a lot of Michael yelling at himself in the mirror, but to comic effect. And there's also hula-hooping to loosen up his hips. I just hope Michael lasts long enough for the inevitable Jerry Rice guest appearance.
Michael and Anna will be doing the cha cha cha. They dance to "I Feel Good," albeit a weirdly slow version. Michael starts out with some James Brown moves solo, and does well at the beginning in hold, but then his arm placement falls apart and he flubs a few steps. What he does have is personality to spare -- he's singing along, pointing at the audience, and grinning the whole time.
Judges? Len thought it wasn't great, and the routine needed more content. Bruno liked his presence, but the footwork and timing were out and it had no content. Carrie Ann thinks Michael has way more charisma than Jerry Rice, but Anna needs to push him harder, since he did okay with what he was given, but he wasn't given enough. I totally agree with Carrie Ann; Michael didn't have enough to do. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 4 for a total of 13. Wow, I thought he was way better than that. So did the audience, based on the booing.
The final contestant is former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. All I'm going to say about his politics and his beliefs is this: not my bag. And I won't mention it again; I plan to judge him on his dancing. Anyway, he's partnered with poor Cheryl, who got a hottie last season so apparently she's punished with an old dude this season. She and Michael Irvin would have been a hot couple. DeLay has lost a ton of weight since leaving his House seat. Oh, dear. In rehearsal, he has his sweatpants up around his armpits. And he tucks his polo shirts into his sweatpants. Cheryl tries to get him to move his hips, but he probably has arthritis or some other old-people disease. And he makes a joke about not going to the left. Ugh.
They're doing the cha cha cha to "Wild Thing." Their routine reminds me of your formerly hard-drinking uncle who is now a born-again Christian dancing at your wedding. He thinks he's still a rebel, and everyone chuckles politely, but he's way too old and white to really get down. He also blows a kiss to Bruno in the middle, which I'm sure he thought was really subversive. Anyway, his technique is good but he's very stiff. Because he's old. I don't know if I mentioned that.
Bruno thinks he's "crazier than Sarah Palin" and the little cha cha cha he did wasn't too bad. Carrie Ann thinks it was surreal and she doesn't know what to say. He's light on his feet too. Len thinks parts were magic and parts were tragic. He liked the cha cha parts but not the butt shaking and air guitar. Did I not mention the air guitar earlier? I think I blocked it out. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 16. Eh. The best part is that, at the end of the segment, Samantha throws it to Tom, and instead the producers go to commercial. Oops.
Tom talks to some of the female contestants before the segment. Debi Mazar says that it seemed like Michael Irvin did great, but she understands that the judges look for different things than the amateurs watching at home. Kelly Osbourne adds that she has gotten to know the other contestants, so she feels badly hearing them criticized, but she also knows that the judges are professionals and she's not going to talk back. Tom praises her diplomatic answer.
So Tom explains this relay dance business. The couples have been split into two groups with four couples in each. They'll dance together and then the judges will rank them one to four, and assign points to each. The first group is Ashley, Chuck, Donny, and Louie (with partners of course) doing the salsa.
The first group takes the floor. First to go are Ashley and Edyta. Ashley is definitely a ballroom dancer; he doesn't have the hip action or rhythm for Latin. Chuck and Anna T. are and Chuck remembers to smile, and he doesn't look too bad, although Anna is doing most of the flashy work while he just kind of throws her around. Donny and Kym come out third, and Donny remembers to watch his posture a little more, and his hip action looks good for an older dude. Louie and Chelsie come out last, and Louie does a flip that Len will hate, but his actual dancing is adorable, although I don't know how much salsa is included. My ranking bottom to top is Ashley, Chuck, Louie, Donny.
Carrie Ann thinks Donny smoked everyone else and he looks shocked. Len thinks Donny had rhythm which is the key to salsa. Bruno thinks Donny was shaking it for all he's worth, and that Chuck was a revelation. Backstage, Samantha kills time until the judges have come up with their rankings, which are from bottom to top: Ashley, Chuck, Louie, and Donny. Exactly as I predicted!
The second group is doing the Viennese waltz. First up are Aaron and Karina. Aaron looks good, posture-wise, but he's got a weird look on his face and he's a little frantic. Mark and Lacey are second, and Mark seems to be going about a half-beat to fast, although he also has good posture. Tom and Cheryl go third, and Cheryl did a good job of emphasizing the sort of stately older gentleman vibe. Michael and Anna go last, and ballroom isn't going to be Michael's strong suit, although he smiles and sings just like he did in his solo dance. My ranking bottom to top is Michael, Tom, Aaron, and Mark.
Len thinks Tom was a little too skippy, but he liked Mark's control and technique. Bruno thought Aaron worked the floor well, and Mark had great lines. Tom was skippy and Michael was better. Carrie Ann also thought it was much better, Aaron had good lines, Mark needs to slow down and breathe, and Tom was elegant. The judges reveal their rankings from bottom to top: Tom, Michael, Mark, and Aaron. Wow, I was off on that one.
So who's going home? I would guess Ashley. He got the lowest score and I doubt he has the fanbase to keep him around, unlike Michael. At least I hope so, because Michael was robbed! Here were the final scores for the men. See you tomorrow night for the ladies!
Aaron and Karina: 22 + 10 = 32
Donny and Kym: 20 + 10 = 30
Mark and Lacey: 21 + 8 = 29
Louie and Chelsie: 19 + 8 = 27
Chuck and Anna T.: 16 + 6 = 22
Tom and Cheryl: 16 + 4 = 20
Michael and Anna D.: 13 + 6 = 19
Ashley and Edyta: 15 + 4 = 19
Get our predictions on who will take home and ugly mirrorball trophy this season.