Last night, the three finalists danced one last time for the viewers to vote, and tonight, they'll dance one last time for score from the judges. And by the end of this (two-hour) show, we'll have a champion!
To open the show, Lady GaGa is there to perform "Just Dance." She creeps me out. I guess that's the intended effect. Ooh, a dude in her band is playing the keytar. Now I love her. Does she really need a band, though? Is there any actual live music being played here? Also, how old is Lady GaGa? Like if you told me she was 55, I would believe it, and if you told me she was 25, I would believe it. People like that make me uncomfortable. Wow, I don't know that I've ever actually listened to this whole song before. It's kind of boring. I've only heard it used on the soundtrack of various television shows and in commercials. Finally the song ends. I can't believe for a song called "Just Dance," they didn't have any of the professionals come out and, you know, dance.
After recapping the events of last night, Tom asks Len for his feelings on the season as a whole. Len thinks it's been the best season so far, and the three best dancers really are in the finals, and it'll come down to the viewers' votes. Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Backstage, Samantha asks Gilles and Melissa what in the heck they were thinking choosing an encore dance on which they originally got a 30. She's nicer about it, but that's basically what she says. They both say that they chose the routine that was their favorite, and didn't much pay attention to the scoring. Shawn chose one that earned her a 28, and she says that she chose it because she thought it was her breakthrough dance, and she wants to try to inject more personality into it.
Hey, remember this season? Let's watch a clip package of the season's highlights. We all lived it, though, so I'm not going to go into detail. Although all my hand-wringing over Woz seems like it happened years ago, and a bit silly now. Sorry about that. Obviously, he wasn't going to make it into the finals. It's also funny to remember how much I didn't know about Gilles when the show began and how much I've grown to like him. Oh, man. Denise Richards was a hot mess. She's got the crazy eyes.
Anyway, Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan are back to reprise their salsa. She hasn't improved at all, but I doubt she spent her time off practicing. She may have spent it getting some Botox though, because her forehead looks really frozen. Ooh, they're doing this as a montage instead of letting each person do a whole routine. So Maks and Denise pop out to do their quickstep, and Maks really looks like he could not care less about this routine. Holly and Dmitry are doing their samba. All this segment is proving to me is that the right people made the finals this season. It is kind of lame that they don't get to do their whole routine. I mean, we do have two hours of show, right? The music ends, and the three couples come out to talk to the hosts. Holly Madison looks much younger. Something's different about her face. Tom says that Samantha is going to star as Roxie Hart on Broadway. She can sing? And dance? It's nice to know that she's good at something, because it's definitely not hosting.
After the break, Woz and Karina are back with their quickstep. I think Woz has actually improved since he was eliminated. His footwork is much better. I bet he's continued taking lesson. It's not like he can't afford private instruction. The routine is still boring as hell, though. What cracks me up is that we already voted these people off once -- why do we have to see their craptastic dancing again? I mean, in a few cases, I'm sort of happy to see them, but not really. Tom makes Woz do the Worm again. I don't even know what just happened. He kicked his legs up in the air like a mule and then fell on his stomach. I just don't get the whole Woz thing. I use a Macbook! I own an iPod! I respect his smarts and his philanthropy. I just don't find him charming.
Ooh DAG and Kym are back. I was listening to Adam Carolla's podcast and he said that even he doesn't know what was up with DAG's outburst after he was kicked off where he cussed out Carrie Ann. (Adam and DAG are friends in real life). But DAG did come back, so it can't be all bad. Then Steve-O and Lacey come out and do their foxtrot. I'm really loving Lacey's lighter hair color. It looks so much better than that jet black. Steve-O looks like Pee-Wee Herman in his bowtie. Aw, the audience is really behind him. I really liked his story arc this season, if not his dancing in particular. Samantha asks DAG how he would describe his experience now that he has some distance. DAG jokes that the judges really loved him and then jokingly hides behind Kym. Steve-O jokes that if he could have danced during the competition like he did tonight, he might be in contention for the title and Tom says that strolling down memory lane can make you delusional.
Let's hear what former contestants think of this season! Ty says that he's excited because he doesn't have to dance again. No offense, but we are too, Ty. Vivica Fox says that you want to dip Gilles up on a chip. No one else says anything of consequence. It's a lot of, "I think Shawn is incredible" and "Melissa has done a great job" and "this is going to be a great finale!" You know the drill.
Oh, remember the pro dancer competition? I actually liked this a lot better than when they do the competition with the kids. That always made me feel vaguely icky. I do wonder how the other pros feel about it, since some of them haven't been asked back or gotten crappy celebs, and they probably don't appreciate having a new pro instead of bringing back the old ones. Or maybe they don't want to come back? What do I know? So Anna and Mayo survived to the finale, and then last week the judges drooled all over Anna and basically told Mayo to go fly a kite. So who has a guaranteed spot on season's show? Anna! Shocker. It does sound like they might bring Mayo back, though, since they just said that Anna has a guaranteed spot. Probably depends on who takes a season off. Anna seems very grateful for the opportunity, and she gets to do the quickstep with Maks again. It's still great, and I look forward to seeing both of them back in the fall.
Tom jokes about how fast LT wanted to get out of there after he was eliminated, but he did manage to make time to come back and dance the jive again. I kind of would have loved to see an LT freestyle. The man can move. He's just not ballroom material, but he would be a lot of fun at a wedding reception. It doesn't seem like he's spent much time rehearsing this routine, but he gets through it because he's totally into the music. Afterwards, Tom jokes with LT about how hard it must be for him to give up dancing. Then I don't know what just happened but LT said something and everyone kind of got shocked and quiet and then they threw to another clip package.
Chuck and Julianne return to do their samba. I notice that the dancers who made it a little further get to do a whole routine. I'm fine with that. The more dancing on a dancing show, the better. Chuck is still crazy pigeon-toed. I don't think these two have rehearsed much since the show ended either -- Chuck looks a little confused out there and Julianne is almost openly laughing at him. Samantha asks Chuck if the competition has changed him at all, and Chuck says he has a new respect for satin and glitter and thongs. Then they waste some time until Tom finally steps in and gets things back on track.
Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General, is on hand to roast this season's contestants. Man, that's a tough gig. What's he going to say about Shawn? I'm not going to repeat all of his jokes, just his best lines. He refers to the three judges as "Smoking, Croaking, and Flaming." Awesome. He jokes to the finalists that they're not celebrities, and the show has turned into "Dancing with the Vaguely Familiar." Ross moves on to discuss Gilles and his role in "Sex and the City": "You may not have had the biggest role, but you definitely had the largest part." He tells Shawn that she's too short to ride on Space Mountain. Then he makes some jokes about Melissa coming in second again. Hey, he could have been WAY meaner. That was actually really tame. I don't know if roast, especially a Jeff Ross roast, really fits with this show, but I appreciate the effort at actual humor.
Lil Kim and Derek are back to do their jailhouse jive. I just saw today that Chace Crawford was cast in Footloose, and I really wish that Derek had gotten the role. I know they need more name recognition, but Derek would have been amazing. And it's not like Kevin Bacon was a household name when the first movie came out. I mean, can Chace Crawford sing or dance? Tom admits that he thought Lil Kim would make it to the finals. He hearts her.
The final eliminated couple is here to dance: Ty and Chelsie are going to do their Lindy Hop. Ty misses a few steps, and he still has that grimace on his face. I can't believe none of the judges ever called him on that. I guess they had bigger problems to address. I am happy that Chelsie joined the show; I think she's a great addition.
Heh. My coworker and I were just talking about the two-hour results show earlier today, and I said, "Yeah, and you know they're going to do a stupid clip package where they all talk about how awesome the competition is, and how badly they want to win and then there's a lot of smoke for no apparent reason." And guess what's on right now? Trash talking and all.
Tom introduces the three finalists, and the first to redo their routine will be Shawn and Mark. But first we get to see a clip package of Shawn's journey. I use that word ironically. Anyway, Shawn was all giggles and discomfort and "Ew, boys!" at first, but she gradually grew to trust her partner and her competitive streak took over. In their closing interview, Mark tells Shawn that he's really proud of her and she's an amazing person and you can tell she doesn't know what to do with all that sincerity. They reprise their cha cha to "PYT" and Shawn looks looser and more comfortable than I've ever seen her. She shows more personality too. Len says that Shawn just gets stronger as she goes, and she's managed to add performance to her technique and precision. Bruno thinks Shawn has gone from cute to sassy and sexy. Carrie Ann thinks everyone underestimated Shawn, and she deserves to be on top. Backstage, Shawn says that she didn't plan it, but she kind of peaked tonight. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Wow, what a shocker -- a perfect score on the final night. That never happens. Except for every season.
Melissa and Tony up . Remember how Melissa joined the show with only two days notice? Tony and Melissa really seem to have fun together. I've come to appreciate Tony a little bit this season when I never liked him before. Melissa remembers how she got injured and yet the audience brought her back. Tony admits that this has been the best season for him, and Melissa is an ideal partner. Melissa and Tony have chosen to reprise their samba, the one that opened with Melissa's solo. It's a good routine. I don't know if it's their best; I might have chosen a waltz or rumba or something. Bruno thinks Melissa's body is made for dancing and she's erased all doubts. Carrie Ann mispronounces Terpsichore and then says that Melissa is Tony's muse. Len thinks Melissa mixes elegance with rhythm and performance. Backstage, Melissa and Tony talk about how all the finalists love one another. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Why do they even do this last night of dances? They always get all perfect scores so it doesn't add or subtract from the standings overall. They should do the dances, but don't score them. Just let the couples go out and dance with no pressure for once.
The last finalist to dance is Gilles, with partner Cheryl. Gilles says that he'd never danced before, and he kind of thought he would be terrible. Cheryl saw his potential. The music is all romantic and it's making me uncomfortable. Anyway, Cheryl says that everyone thinks of Gilles as this sex symbol but he's actually a down-to-earth family man. Gilles gets choked up when talking about how life-changing this experience has been for him. Their Argentine tango has all the intensity and chemistry that you've come to expect from this couple. I don't know which one of them paid off the lighting director, but in the middle of their routine, the stars light up and then all the lights go from blue to orange. I've never noticed that kind of dramatic lighting for anyone else. Carrie Ann thinks that Gilles brings artistry to his dances. Len thinks that Gilles is the most fun to watch, and he takes him back to the first time he ever saw the Argentine tango. Bruno thinks Gilles does more than dance; he plays the character with each step. Bruno goes on and on about how awesome Gilles is, and Tom has to cut him off. Backstage, Gilles and Cheryl continue to love each other some more. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Sigh. I mean, it was deserved, but what's the point?
Lady GaGa is back to sing "Love Game." Okay, what is she holding in her hand? It looks like someone broke the plastic wand off some blinds, you know the part you turn to open or close the blinds? And then hot-glued a mesh loofah to the end of it. Like I would use that to exfoliate my back in the shower. I'm almost come full circle on Lady Gaga. I started out thinking she was weird and kind of a try-hard, and now I think she's weird and bargain basement enough that I kind of dig it. She seems like some of those early '80s dance music queens that were styled by their equally broke gay friends but still kind of fabulous. And then one of them turned out to be Madonna.
When we return, all three couples are standing on the stage, waiting for some results. It's time to find out which couple is in third place. And that couple is... Melissa and Tony. That's about right. Tony looks really disappointed. Melissa can't believe that she's in the finals, going from being a nobody to getting dumped on national television, to coming in third. That was quite a... wait for it...journey.
Finally, it's time to award the tacky mirror ball trophy. Tom explains that this is the closet finale they've ever had; there was less than a 1% difference in the votes. Gilles looks amused by the whole thing. Mark looks pissed off, but maybe he's just nervous. And the winner is... Shawn and Mark! Holy crap. I did not see that coming. I wish Gilles had won, but I'm glad it was Shawn and not Melissa. Mark hugs Shawn and then falls on the ground like a drama queen. Tom tries to interview Shawn but she can barely talk. Samantha talks to Gilles, who is really gracious and thanks his wife and son, and tells Cheryl she's one of the best things that's ever happened to him. The other dancers come running out and Derek immediately hoists Mark on his shoulders leaving poor Shawn on the ground. Um, Mark? It's not about you. People like the pros but I would guess that most people watch the show for the celebrities. Finally Chuck puts Shawn on his shoulders so that she can get some of the glory. And that's it until September! I don't know how they're going to top this one, but we'll see.