Hey, cats and kittens. Welcome back for an all-new season, which will include some replacements for some injured stars, which are maybe supposed to be a surprise. But if you have spent one second on the Internet in the past two days, you totally know who they are. Anyway, let's get our first look!
Lil Kim and Derek: Derek grew his hair out some more and I still hate it. Lil Kim has more clothes on than usual.
Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan: She looks more matronly than any Go-Go should, and I blame the costuming.
Lawrence Taylor and Edyta: I'm pretty sure he's wearing the same outfit that Emmitt Smith wore once for his season.
Steve-O and Lacey: I may be the only one who hates Lacey more than I hate Steve-O.
Gilles Marini and Cheryl: I can't believe this dude is on the show. I hope he has a personality.
Chuck Wicks and Julianne: Ooh, the couple! Conspiracy theories!
Ty Murray and Chelsie: He is a tiny little man, isn't he?
Shawn Johnson and Mark: It's weird to see her with cleavage.
Steve Wozniak and Karina: He looks terrified.
David Alan Grier and Kym: He looks the opposite of terrified.
Denise Richards and Maks: It's nice to see Maks back! Denise, meh.
Tom tells everyone that Jewel and Nancy O'Dell have withdrawn due to injury, though they are sitting in the audience, and we'll find out who is replacing them shortly. If you don't already know. Which you do. Although I kind of wish they would throw us a curveball and have the substitutes be a total surprise. Tom and Samantha reminds us that we have a newly engaged couple (Maks and Karina), a new pro (Chelsie and surprise to be named shortly), and the youngest star to ever compete (Shawn Johnson).
First up are Lil Kim (I refuse to use the apostrophe because it makes no sense -- it should be Li''l' Kim, and that's ridiculous) and Derek. Greatest statement ever on this show: "The first time I ever watched Dancing with the Stars was when I was in prison." COME ON! You have got to love that shit. I totally want her to win. She says that one of her "girlfriends" told her she should be on the show. Is that like a neighborhood girlfriend or a prison-type girlfriend? Derek reminds us that he is the reigning champion. They meet and start rehearsing. Derek hopes to put her hip-hop swagger into the dances. You know how I said that last sentence was the best one? I was wrong. This one is: "I'm dedicating my first dance to all my girls in the federal detention center." Oh my God. This is awesome.
So how's the dancing, after that intro? They're doing the cha cha to "Nasty" by Janet Jackson, which I think is the right move. Don't try to pretend Kim is a Mormon or something. Kim can move, for sure, but she's pretty stiff in the ballroom sections. She looks great in the short freestyle section Derek sticks in the middle, but I don't know how the judges will feel about that. She needs to work on her lines, but she clearly gets the steps. Lots of potential. Tom jokes that he's dedicating his hosting to everybody at Riker's Island and I don't think Kim gets the joke. How about the judges? Len says that for the first dance on the first night, it was first-class. Bruno thinks Kim can work on her precision and footwork, but overall she was "nasty, but tasty." Carrie Ann thinks she has great potential, and she needs to let it out. I just saw someone who looks a lot like Ione Skye in the audience. Anyway, time for scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 21.
up are Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan. Belinda looks great. I think she's lost weight since I last saw her. They have to do the waltz, and Belinda has a hard time with the spins. Is he teaching her how to spot? Belinda has a hard time processing all the information and worries that she will puke on the dance floor. That would be a first. So here's their dance. She looks lovely in a flowing gold dress, although I still think it's a bit too matronly. There's a lot of extra material around her waist that makes her look bigger than she is. She gets a bit ahead of the beat (insert obligatory Go-Gos joke here), and is kind of stiff. I expected her to be more graceful. It could be nerves, but she's also quite flat-footed and needs to get up on her toes.
Judges? Bruno tells her that she looked regal at first, but lacked fluidity and she didn't extend her lines. Carrie Ann thinks Belinda needs to trust Jonathan and let him lead. I agree. She was fighting him. Len thought it was somewhat graceful, but had some awkward moments. When did Len get to be so nice? Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 5. The audience boos, and I love that Len got to give the positive comments and still gave the same score as Carrie Ann. Look, you don't want the score inflation to start until much later in the season. If they give her a 7, there's no room to grow. Calm down, studio audience.
Lawrence Taylor and Edyta are up . LT is a famous football player, for those who don't know. Edyta is psyched to get a football player, since they have done well in the competition in the past. However, she thinks LT is afraid to look funny on the dance floor. They're doing the cha cha cha for their first dance. LT does okay, and Edyta does a great job of dancing around him. He's kind of flat-footed and seems unsure, but his lines are decent. He's not as light on his feet as Warren, and he's not as much of a performer, either.
Judges? Carrie Ann says that he didn't quite live up to the NFL reputation, and he needs to let go. Len liked his natural style, but admonishes him to be more crisp. Bruno wants him to attack and perform, because he's got the rhythm. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5 and Bruno 5. Seriously, Len has learned the secret. Give positive comments in person and then give whatever score you want. In seasons, I could pretty much predict the scores based on the comments, but Len is throwing me off. Backstage, LT is worried, because he thinks this was the best routine he has.
Johnny Knoxville and Wee Man are in the audience to see their buddy Steve-O perform with Lacey. And while I'm not a Steve-O fan, I do admire the fact that he's been through some extensive rehab and psychotherapy lately. That's not easy work, at all. This should be a piece of cake after that. Although, I just saw a clip of his rehearsal and...uh oh. Anyway, their waltz begins. Steve-O looks like he might fall over at any point. He really does have terrible balance. And he is no kind of graceful at all. He's got long legs and arms, and Lacey needs to take better advantage of that in her choreography. Everyone loves their routine, but I think they are also just happy that he put himself out there.
Len loved that Steve-O committed and tried his hardest, although there were some technical problems. Bruno thought it was "a big pile of slapstick" but it made him laugh. Um, I think he was playing it straight, not for laughs. Carrie Ann was mesmerized, but advises them to work on the middle section. She also enjoyed his determination. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5 and Bruno 6. Wow, those are super generous. They were not that good. They were definitely worse than LT and Edyta.
I love these first few episodes because it's all dancing and very little other filler. Anyway, Gilles Marini is up, and he's best (and only known) for being the totally naked guy in the Sex and the City movie. He's working with Cheryl, who keeps telling him that he looks like a lady. Also, Cheryl got a new haircut and it is BAD. It looks like a bowl cut. So anyway, they are doing the cha cha cha, and Gilles does well. He has good hip action and most importantly, he's quick and sharp and into it. The audience digs it the most.
Carrie Ann is thrilled, because he has fire and nice lines. Bruno thinks Gilles knows how to strut his stuff, and he thinks Cheryl has a lot to work with this season. Len thinks Cheryl did a great job with the choreography, and Gilles did well with her steps. Backstage, Samantha talks about how sexy it was, and then asks Cheryl, "How hard was it, really?" SAMANTHA! This is a family show. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 8. Mmm. That's a bit high.
So country singer Chuck Wicks is competing this season with his girlfriend, Julianne. That would be tough on a relationship, I think. Especially if they lose really early. Unless Julianne wants to lose really early, because she reportedly wasn't even going to be on this season. Hmm. It might be genius. During rehearsal, they bicker because he's not taking it seriously enough. So how is their waltz? His footwork is good and quick, but his posture is not great. He's pretty graceful for a white country singer, and overall he does pretty well. Probably the best waltz so far.
Bruno chuckles that Julianne is a handful and then says that it seemed like Chuck was having trouble keeping up, but he needs to calm down a bit. Len thought it was hectic at times, but he had good footwork. He needs to work on refining his posture and dances. Carrie Ann thinks he's very graceful, but he nearly lifted her because he's so tall. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7 and Bruno 7.
Tom interviews Jewel and Nancy O'Dell, the two dropouts. Jewel was supposed to compete against her husband, and she's sad she can't, but she'll be there to cheer him on. Nancy is jealous that Tony will be dancing with someone else, and she's disappointed that she can't compete.
So who's the first new partner, replacing Jewel? Holly Madison, the former Hef girlfriend and reality star, has no dance experience, and only had like seven days of rehearsal instead of four weeks. She's dancing with Dmitry, one of the new dancers this season. She tries to just learn the steps, and he realizes that he can't do much with her technique. So how's their cha cha cha? She really is just walking through it, with no technique, and a few times Dmitry does seem to throw her in the right direction when she gets messed up. She's definitely got the performance part down, but her dancing is pretty bad. She gets really off at one point, but Dmitry brings her back in. I can't fault her too much, given the short rehearsal time, but she had better show a lot of improvement by week.
The judges are supposed to base their comments on the dance, not the background story. Len thought it wasn't bad, but she needs to improve. Carrie Ann thinks Holly has charisma and goes for it, but needs to strengthen up. Bruno thought she was pretty to look at it, but she lost the beat. She needs to work hard for week. The cameras keep cutting to Jewel and Nancy O'Dell gossiping it up in the audience. God, what I wouldn't give for a hidden microphone on those two. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6. Holly has a really annoying machine-gun giggle.
The other replacement contestant is to be "revealed" . It's Melissa Rycroft, recently rejected by the Bachelor, and she'll be dancing with Tony. She's only had 48 hours to prepare.
But she won't be dancing just yet. Instead, it's Ty Murray, rodeo champ and husband to Jewel. He'll be dancing with Chelsie Hightower, another SYTYCD import. Ty looks really stiff during rehearsal, and worries a bit about what his rodeo buddies will think of his girly ways. They're dancing the cha cha cha, which involves a lot of walking around, apparently. Hey. He's not bad, at first. He's stiff, but he's got good posture, and he actually shakes his hips once in a while. I thought he'd be way worse. He gets a little confused in the middle, but he gets back on track. The more nervous he gets, the stiffer he becomes, and the second half is pretty bad, but he muddles through.
Bruno thought it looked like an army drill, which is pretty accurate. Len compliments how he came out and tried, and Carrie Ann appreciated that he came out and let go, but she thinks Chelsie has a lot of work to do. Backstage, Samantha wonders if Ty feels vulnerable now that his wife has dropped out. Ty admits that he forgot everything out there, and spent a lot of time wondering if his friends in the audience were laughing at him. It showed, dude. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, Bruno 5. Ooh. Ouch. Ty thinks it was fair, because he knows he screwed up.
Shawn Johnson is the youngest star ever on the show, and she's teamed with Mark, who wants to take the trophy back from his buddy Derek. Shawn giggles a lot while trying to be serious about the dance, and says that she was taught in gymnastics not to show emotion, because it's weakness. Damn. Who was her coach, Sgt. Schultz? Anyway, Mark and Shawn start their waltz and she's very graceful. I think she'll have to fight high expectations this season. It's very pretty, though she wobbles a bit on one of the turns. Of course, she points her toes and has great lines. I don't think she could not do that. I'm interested to see how she does with a Latin dance, though.
Carrie Ann was moved by the routine. Have I mentioned Carrie Ann is looking a little rough tonight? I don't know if it's the lighting or what. Bruno thought it was surprisingly refined, and warns her to watch out for the "gymnastic arms." Len thought it was appealing, but she needs a bit more fluidity in her arms. Overall, the judges loved it. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 7. Wow, from their comments, I thought the scores would be higher. Backstage, Samantha asks Shawn about the expectations people have for her, and Shawn says she quickly found out that her gymnastics won't help her at all, but she's working hard.
Steve Wozniak, founder of Apple, is up . Does anyone else feel like Woz has a bit of the Aspie tendency? I'm just basing that on his times on Kathy Griffin's show, and his lack of social skills, and probably a lot of stereotypes, so I'll shut up now. Anyway, Karina claims she can bring the sexy side out in anyone, and if she can make me find Woz sexy, I will eat my hat. Steve tells Karina that the routines are digital but the dancing is analog. You can see the bubble over Karina's head with a big question mark. Oh, dear.
I'm nervous for him. I always feel bad for the people that are just really bad dancers. Except Tucker Carlson. I never felt bad for him. Karina lets Woz dance a lot of the time on his own. Also, Karina is practically naked. And Woz is having a lot of fun out there. Unfortunately, his dancing is TERRIBLE. Like hard to watch. His posture is horrific, and he has no rhythm. God bless him. And he was not sexy at all.
Len says that the routine fascinated him, but it was a disaster overall. Bruno says it was like watching a Teletubby go mad in a gay pride parade. Come on. That was an awesome comment, even if it was mean. Carrie Ann thinks Woz is going out of his comfort zone, and it's heartwarming. Woz tries to make a joke, but he's so awkward and... ugh. I feel bad for him, but I hope he leaves soon, because it makes me too anxious. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4 and Bruno 4. Woz says backstage that he's having a ton of fun and he's glad to be there. And he's sincere about it! Karina says he's the nicest guy alive. That's sweet. He still should go home.
David Alan Grier (DAG) is dancing with Kym. Kym greets him with a hug and kiss, and DAG gets very serious and says he only believes in a handshake. He's totally goofing around and she doesn't get it. Kym says that once she understood his sense of humor, she enjoyed it, but he's also really intensely competitive. DAG and Kym prepare to dance their waltz. He's good, but he's got this weird smile on his face the whole time that seems really fake. It's almost like he's dancing ironically. I don't know if he can help it. Kym also doesn't give him much to do. He's mostly standing there while she twirls around. I think he'll do great at a Latin dance, though, and I can't wait to see him try.
Bruno thought he had good lines, but when they were in hold, his posture wasn't good. DAG's multiple characters and facial expressions also confused him. Carrie Ann agrees about the facial expressions. Len thought it was more good than bad. The only criticisms the judges have are very specific and technical, which is a good sign. I just think DAG needs to get his DAG on and be crazy in order to get people to call in for him. Backstage, DAG tries to stick with his serious character and cracks some jokes. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7 and Bruno 6. Hmm. I thought he did better than that.
Denise Richards Colon It's Complicated (tip of the hat to Joel McHale) is paired with Maks. She doesn't mention that people really hate her. Including me. While they rehearse, Maks gets really frustrated with her and she keeps apologizing. She thinks he's getting annoyed and he tells her to stop apologizing. She starts crying and Maks just looks at her like he can't believe it. I also liked Maks better with the shaved head. He's at a weird Chia Pet stage right now. Anyway, he talks her through her little tantrum. God, she must be high-maintenance. Their cha cha begins, and there's something really off about Denise's movements that I can't put my finger on. She has little to no hip action, which is part of the problem, and she's kind of awkward. Her extension is just okay, and her footwork is just okay, but it's a bigger problem than that. She has no rhythm? Let's see what the judges say.
Carrie Ann grimaces and says that Denise looks terrified, and she needs more confidence. Len thought she took her shot, but she needs to take control and dance herself. Bruno tells her that she's got it all, but she doesn't know what to do with it. She's loosey-goosey. They all think she has good potential. Backstage, Maks admits that Denise calls him Maksie-poo. And he likes it! Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6. I've grown to like Maks but I don't know if I can learn to like Denise. And I don't really want to.
So Melissa has only had two days to learn her routine, which is kind of ridiculous when you think about it. Plus, she's still getting over the entire world seeing her get dumped on national television. She and Tony are doing the waltz. They don't mention the part where she's had experience learning dance routines from when she was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Her lines are beautiful, although she looks nervous as hell. I also don't really understand the glitter she has on the small of her back. Is it covering up a tramp stamp? Or is it a fake tramp stamp? It's dumb, either way. But it's really good, even without thinking about her two days of rehearsal.
Len thinks it's obvious that she's danced before and done ballet, because she needs to learn the footwork. Bruno thinks the Bachelor is a loser! Everyone cheers. Bruno stands up and shows how graceful and fluid Melissa's arms were. Carrie Ann thinks Melissa is a natural and beautiful dancer, but needs to work on connecting to the dance. Are we going to have to sit through people making Bachelor jokes the entire season? Backstage, Melissa says she's overwhelmed, and admits that she was a cheerleader and had ballet training when she was younger. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7 and Bruno 8. That's really amazing. She's one to watch out for.
Tom and Samantha give us the numbers to call one more time, and remind us that week, everyone will dance again, and then the results will be on Tuesday. And there's some sort of dance-off for the bottom two? Which I don't really understand, but we'll see on Tuesday how that works out. At least it's more content for the results show, which is welcome. See you then! Here are the standings:
Gilles and Cheryl: 24
Melissa and Tony: 23
Lil Kim and Derek: 21
Chuck and Julianne: 20
DAG and Kym: 19
Holly and Dmitry: 18
Denise and Maks: 18
Belinda and Jonathan: 17
Steve-O and Lacey: 17
LT and Edyta: 16
Ty and Chelsie: 14
Woz and Karina: 13
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which couple we think has the Best Odds!