It all comes down to this. Last night, the three finalists gave their last appeal to the viewing public and tonight they wait to see which one of them will be crowned the winner. The show refers to Warren as the Superbowl Champ, Brooke as the Magnificent Model, and Lance as the Ballroom Rebel. I don't know that I fall in line with those labels, but do I care at this point? Do you? Tom wonders if there will be one last shock when the champion is crowned. Well, a shock would be if, like, Ted McGinley won. But if one of the three finalists wins, I don't think that qualifies as shocking, unless you're setting the bar really low. Anyway, tonight is the finale, and I'm sure there will be lots of filler, and it's all happening LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Tom welcomes us to the finale. Samantha is wearing a truly ugly gold dress. It looks like... I can't even come up with a description. There's some sort of scallop on the shoulder. And she's way too tan and her hair kind of sucks. Hey, I'm going to have a few months where I won't get to make fun of her -- I've got to get it all out now. Samantha reminds us that the couples will be dancing one more time tonight, even though it's always meaningless because the judges just give everyone perfect scores. So the public's votes count for half of the final total and the judges' scores count for the other half. Samantha previews the episode, which doesn't sound like nearly enough content to take up two hours, but I know they'll stretch it somehow. Tom recaps last night's episode for us. I really liked the group samba. Watching it back, I see that it was really fun and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Moving on to the freestyles, Brooke and Derek can't believe that Len said theirs was the best freestyle of all time. Lance and Lacey giggle over Len trying to rap "It's Tricky." Did I mention that this one guy in high school used to call me Tricky? Because there was one day where I couldn't stop singing that song? And he was kind of like George Bush where he gave everyone nicknames? Anyway, Warren says that he left everything out on the floor.
Backstage, Samantha talks to all three couples. She asks how each couple plans to win this thing. A bit late for strategizing, no? And also, what a dumb question. Is there any answer other than, "Dance the best we can"? Brooke says that they're going to dance like it's their last dance, since it is, and Derek adds that they want to go out on a nice note. Lance brags that they'll overtake Warren and Kym, and Warren kind of gives Lance a death glare. He pretends to laugh, but come on. Warren says he'll party on the floor and that will make up the difference. Brooke just totally reached back and patted Derek on the ass. I don't think she meant to, but given her height and their position, that's what ended up happening. You know Shannon Elizabeth has a Brooke voodoo doll and has been sticking pins in it all season. Hey! That might explain all of the injuries, actually!
Tom jokes that Cloris has been missing since she was eliminated, even though she threatened to return, so the show went looking for her. Cut to Cloris crawling out of a cardboard box, still wearing her dress from the week she was eliminated. She's dirty and disheveled, with fake eyelashes falling off her face. She does a Wonder Woman twirl and transforms into a clean version of her outfit, and then decides to go out and ask the public whom they want to win. One guy likes Warren, and Cloris tells him that Warren is way bigger. One girl thinks she can't vote because she's not a citizen. I don't think they check ID. At one point, Cloris has the microphone upside-down. Guess what? There are people who want to vote for each of the three contestants. And Cloris still isn't all that funny.
Alicia Keys is up . I read that all the performances were recorded last night. I don't know why I wanted to mention that, but I did. So there. Alicia Keys does a lot more dancing than you usually see from her. I guess she's usually sitting behind a piano. This time, she grabs the mike and goes right out on the floor and moves along with her backup dancers. I'm not crazy about this song. It's no "If I Ain't Got You" or "No One." She does head over to the piano to do some playing while her backup dancers show off their moves. So I guess she's singing live, right? And not lip-synching? Do you think Miley will sing live? HA HA HA HA!
Tom and Samantha introduce a review of the entire season. Are there really people who tune in for the finale having missed much of the regular season? Right from the beginning, Cloris was wacky with her cleavage and people were shocked that Warren could move so well. Jeff Ross was the first of many injuries when he got poked in the eyeball. Misty May looked promising. Bruno made topical Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac jokes. Were we ever so young? Misty May seemed even more promising. Toni got accused of doing lifts. Wow, I totally don't remember Lance and Lacey kissing at the end of their dance. This HAS been a long season.
Each of the first three couples gets to come back and do another routine. Edyta and Jeff Ross are up first. Jeff's posture is terrible, but he is quite light on his feet. He's definitely way better than most people who got kicked off first, TUCKER CARLSON. I mean, he's not good or anything, but his quickstep is decent. And it's more than just him standing there while Edyta dances around him. His kicks are a little more martial arts than ballroom, but give the guy a break. Um, not that you weren't giving him a break. I don't know why I got so defensive there.
Ted McGinley and Inna return to do their foxtrot to that Beach Boys song that everyone loves, especially since it became the theme song for Big Love and was prominently featured in 50 First Dates. "God Only Knows." That's what it's called. Ted looks pretty good too. I guess having more than a few days to rehearse really helped some of these early eliminees. That's not a word is it. Give me a break. I'm twenty-one episodes into this season. I think I'm allowed to make up a word here and there.
Oh, God. Kim Kardashian is back, and she and Mark are doing their "Baby Got Back" routine. Well, she seems to be actually shaking it this time. And putting some effort into it. She's still terrible, though. She should have been the first one out, based on what we've seen tonight. I think Mark pulled her through those first rounds. I can't believe they got away with the "Me so horny" part of the song on network television. Are you allowed to say horny? Then again, the whole song is about a big ass, so I don't know why I'm picking on that one part.
After the break, we continue the look back, moving on to weeks three and four. Brooke and Derek got the first 10 of the season. Corky humped Cloris across the dance floor and then ripped off her wig. Carrie Anne's crush on Warren began. Misty May ruptured her Achilles tendon and had to drop out. Lance and Lacey finally started breaking through. Cody showed that he could be a man. Toni and Alec were super sexy. Rocco had a lot of fun, but had to face up to the fact that he's a terrible dancer. And then Bruno practically humped Rocco when he get eliminated, and I really didn't need to see that.
Misty May obviously can't return to dance, but she explains that she just got cleared to walk, and she can't wait to get back out there and dance. She refuses to pick a favorite amongst the finalists. Maks' hair is growing back and he looks great, I think. I don't like the long hair. It looks greasy to me. Maks says that Warren is hilarious, and he'd like Lance to win because he's going on tour, and Brooke is obviously a class act. As Tom tries to introduce Rocco and Karina, Maks gooses him, which always makes me laugh. I know. I'm juvenile.
Rocco and Karina do their mambo. There are whole segments of the routine where Rocco is just standing there and Karina is dancing her little heart out. Rocco does ham it up a little bit, but there's not much dancing in this routine. As we go to break, Tom introduces a movie-style trailer about Cloris called Dirty Dancing: The Senior Years. It's about as hilarious as you'd imagine.
Now we're up to weeks five and six. Lance fell down. Susan finally got some attitude. Carrie Ann gave Maurice a hug. The Hough siblings had dueling jitterbugs. Toni was told that she wasn't living up to her potential. And oh, the group hip hop. What a disaster that was. Michael Flatley was the guest judge. Susan allegedly finally loosened up, although I didn't see it. The dancers all liked the high scores from Michael Flatley. The judges liked Lance's routine, for once. Cody started peaking, but then Julianne had to leave the competition for surgery. Cloris FINALLY got eliminated, and vowed not to leave, even though we all know that she did. I do still wonder about that. I know she's had some health problems since leaving, but I am still surprised that she didn't show up.
Toni and Alec are back, but apparently Toni just had surgery so she can't dance. But she will be joining the tour, singing and dancing. Tom gives a big introduction to Cloris, who will be doing her tango. Cloris looks like she's lost weight. I guess pneumonia or whatever she had will do that to you. I'm actually kind of impressed by her tango. Her movements are sharp and crisp for once. Corky totally grabs and cups her ass cheek. Inappropriate! Sometimes I wonder how much of my objections to her routines were due to Corky's choreography. Anyway, it's a pretty good routine, and a great routine for Cloris. The crowd loves her and she gets a standing ovation. And an interview! Which no one else has had so far. Samantha asks how this experience compared to all Cloris's other life experiences. Cloris asks, "To pregnancy?" Then Tom asks if she's going back to Broadway, but her show is closing. Oops. Then Tom and Cloris act out a scene from Young Frankenstein and I have no idea what's going on, which is usually what happens when Cloris is on the show.
Susan and Tony are back to do their paso doble. I think with all the consequences gone, Susan can finally let loose and dance, because this is probably the best I remember seeing her. She's actually performing instead of looking like she's terrified something is going to go wrong. Also, Tony is tossing her around like a rag doll. She also gets a standing ovation. Do you think the crowd gets tired of standing up and sitting down all of the time?
Maurice and Cheryl will be joining the tour, but tonight they're here to do their salsa. It would have been interesting to see Cheryl with Warren, because I like Kym, but I think Cheryl's choreography is better. At one point, you can see the judges dancing in the background, which cracks me up. Bruno is totally into this song. There are a lot of tricks in this routine, including a death drop that looks like Cheryl was going to crack her skull on the floor. Another standing ovation. The eliminated contestants' performances tonight are really making me rethink the elimination order.
Weeks seven and eight brought the first thirty for Brooke and Derek. Len told Lance that his barefoot rumba was ridiculous. Warren lost his technique and got his lowest scores. Cody had to dance with Edyta for the first time. Carrie Ann made Susan yell that she's doing good, which still hurts my ears. Because it should have been that she's doing well, and also because she wasn't. The group broke up into two teams, and Team Paso Doble kicked Team Salsa's Ass. Len disagreed with his fellow judges about Brooke and Derek's routine. Each celebrity had to do a short solo in the middle of his or her routine, and of all the innovations this season, I feel like this was the least successful. I liked the team stuff, but not that.
Jeff Ross is going to do a roast of the final three (and probably everyone else too). He starts out making fun of himself: "People ask me if I lost any weight doing the show. I say, 'I don't know. How much does my dignity weigh?'" He moves on to tell Cloris that watching Corky drag her around the dance floor was like Weekend at Bernie's: The Musical and her score should have been 911. Then he moves on to the finalists. Warren does not look amused. Jeff rips on Brooke for having so many children. He asks, "What can you say about Lance Bass that hasn't already been said about Clay Aiken?" That might be the first overt reference to Lance being gay on the show this season. Jeff asks Warren how he dances so many hours per day and stays so out of shape: "At first, I thought he was on steroids, then I realized he's just fat!" Jeff concludes: "Have fun tonight and remember: compared to me, you're all winners." That was so tame. I understand why it had to be, but I admire Jeff Ross for figuring out how to make it funny while not going totally shocking. For filler, that was pretty good.
Now we're on to the semifinals, where Cody and Julianne were told their routine wasn't good, Warren was told he needed to up his game, Lance got praise, and Brooke totally screwed up her routine. Then Lance lost his shoe and got his highest score of the season. So Julianne and Cody are back to do their jitterbug. This really was Cody's best routine because he's got that gawky young Dick Van Dyke vibe, so this really works for him. I still don't like all the tricks they did, but the kicks look good. Cody puts on a good performance -- better than he did in the actual competition. He's making faces and connecting with the audience. Tom and Samantha call them over for an interview. Samantha points out that Cody came so close to the finals, and Cody says that it's not hard to be back, because he's such a huge fan of the show now. Tom offers Cody some advice: "Cheer up!" Everyone laughs.
Clip package about the three finalists. Lance is the pop star. Len thinks he's the most improved. Bruno likes that he always brought the unexpected. Carrie Ann thinks he's the sleeper and he might steal the trophy. Warren is the football hero. Len was shocked at how well Warren could move. Bruno thinks Warren knows how to get the crowd going. Carrie Ann thinks Warren is sexy. Brooke is the hot mama. Len thinks Brooke has a fantastic body for dancing. Bruno likes her technique and versatility. Carrie Ann thinks Derek always challenges Brooke and Brooke always rises to the occasion.
The final three couples are finally (no pun intended) introduced to the tune of Superman for some reason. Yes, we know who the finalists are. We know their role on the show. I guess this is for the people who skipped the first hour of filler and are just tuning in for the second hour of filler. The first to dance their final dance is Warren and Kym. But before they perform, let's relive his journey. Kym was shocked at how big Warren is, but was psyched to see how light he is on his feet. Warren had a crazy schedule this week, which is how he explains the week that he kind of screwed up. I thought the problem was his shoes? Kym thinks Warren is funny, charming, and cuddly. Warren gives Kym all respect for making him the dancer that he is, and he tells her that he loves her. Aw. That was actually sweet. Even hardened, crusty old me was touched. Good thing my husband's already in bed, since his feelings for Warren are well-documented.
Warren and Kym are doing their hustle to "Funkytown." They added a few lifts, since they're finally allowed. Warren seems a little nervous. He's connecting with Kym but he hasn't started doing his thing with the audience. Oh, there he goes. They start cheering his moves and he smiles. He gets a solo moment and the audience loves that too. This is clearly the routine Warren is most comfortable with, since it's the most like dancing in a nightclub or a bar or whatever. The audience cheers long and loud for them when they finish. Len tells Warren that regardless of what the judges think, Warren is the people's champion. Everyone smiles when he dances. Bruno tells Warren he is a crafty hustler. Is Bruno talking about rough trade again? Carrie Ann admires how Warren inspires people to get out there and dance, no matter their shape or size. Backstage, Samantha asks if he's looking forward to getting his life back. Warren plugs his Showtime show and then we get scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Hmm. I guess they aren't going with their perfect score. So their overall total is 80 out of 90 from the judges.
up are Lance and Lacey. Remember when Lance met Lacey? He was excited to bring edge to the dance floor, but that got them in some trouble with the judges. And then Lance and Lacey got in a fight because Lacey thought he was too negative. Lance vows that they will be friends for life. Lacey thinks that Lance has changed as a dancer and a person, and has really come out. Of his shell! His shell! So Lance and Lacey are going to do their jitterbug -- the sailor-themed one from when Lance's grandfather was in the audience. Lance makes this one face while he's dancing that drives me crazy -- it looks like on The Office when Karen did the imitation of the face that Jim always made to camera? Like a smirk? Lance and Lacey look like they're having a ton of fun, but I don't really like all the stunts -- the routine ends up being a hectic, sloppy mess. And I think Lacey might have a crush on Lance too, based on the intense hug she gives him at the end of the dance. Bruno thinks Lance has become a showman. Carrie Ann thought it was great, even if there were a few technical problems, and she applauds their willingness to take risks. Len tells them that they totally deserved to be in the finals, even if he had his doubts early on. Backstage, Samantha asks Lance and Lacey about their rebel status. Lance says he's so happy that they did whatever they did to get there. Samantha points out that both Cheryl and Julianne won in their first seasons on the show and Lacey says she's just happy to be there. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 10. They have a total of 81, putting them a smidge ahead of Warren and Kym.
Tom reminds us that Brooke is in first place going into this last dance by quite a margin. So let's see her journey. Brooke was excited to get Derek as a partner, because she loved him on the show. Derek was psyched to get Brooke because she has a dancer's body. Brooke remembers that things were light at the beginning, and then she and Derek butted heads in the middle, but now they're back in the groove. Brooke says it was the hardest thing she's ever done, and she wants them to win the trophy. So they're back to do their Viennese waltz. Interesting choice, since the others all did fast numbers. Man, Brooke is so graceful. I know what Len means when he says that they tell a story with their dance. They're really nailing it. It's nice because Brooke finishes the routine (to John Mayer's "Daughters") by kissing her own daughters on the cheek. That's really the story of their dance style -- no big tricks, no flash, just good dancing. Carrie Ann is crying! CRYING! She needs some medication. Anyway, Carrie Ann tells Brooke that she's a star and that they deserve the trophy more than anyone else. Len thinks their waltz was the dance of the season. Bruno thinks Brooke is the jewel in the crown. Brooke's fiancé is SOBBING! Man, emotions are running high. Tom reminds us that was the final dance of the season. THANK GOD! I am ready for this to be over. Backstage, Brooke says that it was bittersweet, since it was their last dance, and she thanks Derek for his hard work. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Wow. Do you think the other contestants are pissed? She totally deserved it though. I know there are some who believe that the judges just praise Brooke and are fixing it for her, but she really is the best dancer. You can't argue with that. Anyway, Brooke and Derek got 88 out of 90.
Tom points out Kristi Yamaguchi, current champion, who is sitting in the audience. But now it's time to reveal who came in third place. Lance could have shaved for the finale. I'm just saying. Man, the crowd loves Warren. When Tom says his name, they just cheer. So who's the big loser? Lance and Lacey. Wow! I didn't think it was going to be them. Samantha asks Lance if this has all been worth it. Lance says that it's been amazing, but Joey will never let them live it down. Tom reminds us that Lance and Lacey will be on the tour, but he commends them for blowing the roof off the place last week, when he really needed to do so. Lacey is proud of her partner too.
Does anyone want to hear Miley Cyrus sing right now? Just tell us the winner! I mean, I know there are people who love Miley but are any of them still up at 10:30 at night? They shouldn't be. We had a big slumber party at my best friend's house this past weekend with a few adults and a bunch of kids aged four to seven, and I've never heard so much Miley Cyrus. And I never want to again. It's the worst kind of pop music. You don't want to like it, but it totally gets stuck in your head anyway. Also, Miley Cyrus is crazy pigeon-toed. Maybe she and Lance could get some sort of deal on corrective surgery. So that's over. I think her boyfriend is in the audience -- I recognize him from the tabloids. And he is showing no enthusiasm at all for her performance. He might be drugged.
Backstage, Samantha tries to get the remaining two couples to talk to each other. Brooke tells Warren that he's a "groovy teddy bear" and Kym is an amazing dancer. Derek says that this is the closest final in a long time. Kym thinks Brooke is graceful and cool. The word "amazing" is thrown around a LOT. Warren says it's the best experience of his life, and the male dancers made him feel at home.
Tom jokes that this is the part where he asks the eliminated contestants who will win, and they all plug their latest project. But first, he compliments their dancing tonight. I totally agree. Kim admits that she wasn't as nervous tonight, and then plugs her stupid reality show. Susan thinks having more time to rehearse helped her routine. Tom asks to borrow Maurice's orange silk leisure suit, and Maurice pretends he's going to take it off. Here's why Tom is awesome: he's like "Okay, let's do it!" Whereas Samantha would have gotten all nervous and awkward and made it weird. Maurice says that he doesn't want to cause a riot amongst the ladies, and Tom lets it go.
And it's FINALLY TIME to find out who the champion is. Both couples are standing on the dance floor with the silly mirror ball trophy in between them. I think if Warren wins, I'm going to go on a rampage like that YouTube video with the tween girls who flipped out when David Archuleta lost Idol. And the winners are... Brooke and Derek. Aw. Derek is so happy. I think he might be happier than Brooke. He might be crying. Derek says that he can't believe it. Warren says that he wouldn't do anything differently. Tom finally hands the trophy to Brooke and Derek and they hoist it over their heads. Julianne, Mark, and Corky run out and hoist Derek up on their shoulders. Actually, Derek is on Mark's shoulders and Brooke is on Corky's shoulders. Brooke doesn't even get to hug her husband because she's up in the air. I guess she can hug him later.
And that's it! See you in a few months for season eight.
Watch a video recap of the finale week. Plus: Another season down. See who we'd love to see on the show season. Happy with the winner? Think Lance and Warren were robbed? Talk about it in our forums.
Kim plots world domination, one domain at a time, at her blog Fresh Hell. You can contact her at reedkim@gmail.com.