Last week, Tom claims that people were shocked by the elimination. If you mean that they were shocked that it wasn't Cloris, I guess you're right. And tonight! Opportunity! Because Brooke has injured her foot, and even the show is acknowledging that's the only way anyone else has a chance in hell at winning this thing. So tonight, they'll do a single routine, and then also the group hip-hop number. Did you hear that? GROUP! HIP! HOP! And it'll be LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Tom and Samantha introduce the stars. Something's different about Maurice. He's clean shaven? Is that it? Cloris can barely walk down the stairs. Seriously, people. Let her go home and soak her hip in Epsom salts or something. This is just getting sad. Tom reminds us that Len is taking the week off, so Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance, is filling in. But what in the hell does he know about ballroom is what I want to know. Or Latin. Or hip hop. Like if this were Irish Step Dancing With The Stars, he would totally be qualified. And please no one steal that idea, because it is genius.
Maurice and Cheryl are up first. Maurice definitely shaved his moustache, and it makes him look a lot older. Last week, Maurice's hard work earned him a hug from Carrie Ann. Maurice reminds us that he hasn't had to dance ballroom since the first week, when he got three sixes. This week, they're doing the Viennese Waltz. I don't see this being Maurice's strength. In rehearsals, Cheryl is really bitchy. I don't know if Maurice is just annoying or if Cheryl is having a bad week, but she is really short with him. Maybe she learned last week that is what motivates him.
Cheryl is wearing a really pretty flowy lavender dress, and Maurice is in a light gray suit. Ooh, once they move into hold, he looks bad. He's way too stiff. He needs to be flowier. When he's on his own, he looks good, but grace is not his strong suit. He'd better hope he squeaks through this week because someone else does horribly and then he can get back to his strengths. They do a turn where Maurice sort of drags Cheryl in a circle on the floor (but her feet don't leave the floor) which looks good. The judging starts with Michael. He thought it was slow, elegant, and graceful, but there were times it could have been better. Carrie Ann thought it was sweet, and she noticed an improvement in his posture. But she wants more chemistry between them. Bruno thought the moves were there, but it lacked fluidity at times. Backstage, Maurice says that it was hard to switch gears from Latin to Ballroom, but he did the best he could. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Michael 7, and Bruno 7.
Last week, the judges came down hard (oh boo hoo) on Lacey because she was making the dances all about her and not enough about showcasing Lance. Lance and Lacey head to Florida to rehearse. Lance confesses that he used to think he did well with his band, and then everyone would say he was the worst dancer. You know, I feel like we've heard this tale of woe before, and it's starting to sound a bit... pathetic. Like get some therapy or something, Lance. As Lance and Lacey rehearse the jive, Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone show up to the studio. Joey offers up some pointers, since he was in the competition, and especially that Lance needs to let his personality come out.
So here's their jive! Lance starts out with some solo moves that are... not very good. Lacey doesn't seem to understand that when the judges told her to showcase Lance, they meant for her to choreograph to his strengths, not just give him a bunch of solo time on the floor. Also, Lacey has these pink scrunchy things are her ankles that looks ridiculous. This is a pretty slow jive. Lance's footwork looks pretty good, and I do feel like Lacey is toning down the mugging a little bit. At least I don't notice her as much. But what do the judges think? Bruno thinks Lance is back on top, and that he was gleaming with confidence. Michael thinks Lance should have lots of confidence now. Carrie Ann gives out a whoop, and she appreciates that he listened. She adds that she doesn't know where Len is right now, but he would be proud, and Tom yells out, "He's not dead!" Oh, Tom. How did you not win the Emmy? Backstage, Lance says he's out of breath and ecstatic, and that Joey helped him a lot. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Michael 9, and Bruno 9. Lance and Lacey don't look nearly as happy as they should be about that. They mostly look tired.
Susan still has an ankle injury, but she powered through it, despite criticism that she was being careful. In rehearsals, Susan tells Tony that she really wants to get out of "the box," and put her fiery spirit out front. Tony takes her to a mambo club with some of her friends from her soap, including Cameron Mathison. Susan feels like she felt the freedom in the club, and now she needs to make that translate to the dance floor on the show.
Their mambo begins. Susan definitely is doing more acting with her face this week, but she still seems quite careful. She's still way too much in her head for a lot of the moves -- I don't know if the bicoastal lifestyle means that she doesn't get enough rehearsal time or what. Most of the individual moves look good, but when she transitions from one to the other, you can see her thinking about it. It's a step in the right direction, but it's not a big enough step. Carrie Ann starts the judging, as she says that Susan broke the box this week. Bruno is happy that they're starting to see the devil lurking inside Susan, but she can't lose her timing. Carrie Ann starts disagreeing and Tom comments that they should be married. Carrie Ann and Bruno keep yelling at each other while Michael gives his boring comments. Seriously, he is super boring. It really makes you appreciate Len. Backstage, Samantha asks Susan if it was difficult to pick herself up after being in the bottom two. Susan says it was, but she loved the routine that Tony created. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Michael 8, and Bruno 7. Tony is happy, because it's higher than last week.
Last week, Brooke and Derek almost got a perfect score, but Brooke realized that she hurt her foot during the routine. By Thursday, Brooke was home getting treatment and Derek was working on their routine. The doctor suggests that Brooke take seven days of rest, but she says it's not an option. Derek realizes that he needs to push Brooke so they can learn the routine, but he also needs to avoid pushing her so hard that he makes her injuries worse. So things were not looking good, but I feel like it might be misdirection. Let's find out.
Brooke and Derek are doing the rumba, and I think there is probably not a dance the plays to Brooke's strengths any more than this one. Derek's hair looks like ass. He really needs to trim that up. Probably due to Brooke's injury, there is a lot more of Brooke standing still and Derek dancing around her than we usually see with these two. It looks pretty good, but they usually do a lot better than pretty good, so we'll see what the judges think. Michael says that they took his breath away, but he says it like he's reciting his grocery list. He has no emotion. But he does hope that he has a high enough number on his paddle to reflect their score. Carrie Ann is the buzzkill as she says that it wasn't Brooke's best dance, although she admires that Brooke battled through her injury. Carrie Ann saw pain in her movements. Bruno feels the same way, and says that he knows Brooke can do better than she did tonight. They're lucky Len wasn't here -- since Michael doesn't know the history of each dancer, he's probably more easily impressed. Backstage, Brooke says that she has a "disrupted tendon" which sounds like a fake injury. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Michael 10, and Bruno 8. Derek says that he loves Michael and they all giggle.
Before the break, we get a preview of all of the couples rehearsing the hip hop routine. I notice that they don't really focus on Cloris dancing. Also, Cody might beatbox. This is going to be a disaster.
Tom reminds us that Cloris got some amusing comments from the judges last week, none of which were all that complimentary. Corky can't believe that they weren't in the bottom two last week. Yeah, you and America, Corky. They prepare their cha cha and Cloris tells him to stop lecturing her and show her the dance. Cloris won't listen and keeps getting distracted. Corky calls on Cloris's (ex?) husband, George, who knows how to get Cloris to shut up and listen for once. Corky says he's never seen her work so hard.
The interesting conceit of the dance is that Corky is some sort of dance master who is teaching a reluctant Cloris to dance. But the problem is that Cloris seems like she doesn't know the routine. I mean, it's horrible. The other dancers must be so pissed off that Cloris is still in the competition. I don't want to be mean, but I think Tucker Carlson might have been a better dancer than her. They do a pretty amazing lift where Corky grabs her arm and leg and swings her around. The thing is, it wouldn't have been impressive if Cloris were anyone else, and I'm just over her getting special treatment because she's old. Even Jerry Springer had the good grace to beg to go home at one point. When they finish, Cloris can't stop laughing and she begs the judges not to say anything to harsh her buzz. Bruno says that Cloris is the only person in the world who can "sell such nonsense as a cha cha cha." Cloris gets the crowd all riled up. Michael tells Cloris she's a legend and an inspiration, and he was told by his father not to say anything bad. He also thinks she's lucky to have Corky. Carrie Ann is upset that they lost Toni Braxton for this. She's totally telling the truth. Good for her! The audience boos, because they are idiots. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Michael 5, and Bruno 5. Wow. That was even lower than I thought it would be. Backstage, Cloris says that her score is good. Corky says he's proud of his partner.
Cody and Julianne are up . Last week, the judges loved their jitterbug, earning their first ten of the season. Julianne got really sick after the results show last week, so they lost some time. Cody focuses on his body posture a lot. Julianne makes him get a spray tan and also dye his hair darker. She even gives him a fake moustache to help him get into character. Of course, he's ridiculous. But he's kind of growing on me.
Somehow, Cody looks taller this week. He looks good with his hair slicked back. He's got good hip action, although some of his lines are not great. He needs to be more conscious of his hand and arm placements, specifically. Overall, it's one of his better routines, though. He actually looks like a dancer instead of a kid pretending to be a dancer. Carrie Ann thought it was an intense samba, and she liked that he's really going for it. Bruno thought the tone was all wrong this week, since there was no bounce. Isn't that Julianne's fault, though? Carrie Ann tells Bruno to sit down and shut up. Michael thinks that Cody has what it takes to be a great dancer, but tonight wasn't his best night. How does he know? Backstage, Julianne admits that she's got endometriosis and is having surgery to remove her appendix. Those two things don't seem related. Anyway, Edyta will be subbing in for Julianne as long as needed. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Michael 8, and Bruno 7.
The judges loved Warren's hustle last week, but this week they have to do the rumba, which they knew Brooke and Derek were also doing. Kym suggested that they put a storyline into the dance. Warren felt like watching Toni leave last week brought home the reality that they could leave at any time.
They begin their rumba and Kym is acting like she's pissed at Warren, but he wins her over through the majesty of dance. Did I just see some hip action? From Warren? And some pretty impressive lunges. They do a lot of that walking around business at the beginning and the end that I kind of hate, but overall it seemed decent. Michael would have liked more dancing, but he enjoyed seeing a big guy like Warren act so sensitive. Carrie Ann thought it was sexy, and Tom tells her to stop flirting with him. She thinks that Warren is like Emmitt Smith, except he has more emotion. She also caught a mistake in the middle. Bruno liked the storyline, but he also caught the mistake in the middle, because Warren made a face. Backstage, Samantha asks Warren what his second-half strategy will be. Warren just plans to keep dancing. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Michael 9, and Bruno 8. Warren says he likes that new guy! They run off to get changed for the group routine.
Rehearsals for the group dance. Susan says it's the first time they've all been together learning the same routine. Brooke says that this routine takes her back to high school in the '80s, and Derek acts like that makes her old. The choreographer shows up and asks each dancer to show their best hip hop move. Brooke does the running man. Susan Lucci has no moves, and my husband says that's exactly what he would do -- plant his feet and hope for the best. Cody can beatbox. And then Cloris runs in with a giant boombox on her shoulder. Oh, God. The choreographer tries to get everyone to learn and Cloris complains and then spends time eating burritos. Maurice wants to challenge Warren, but Warren thinks Maurice is not even in his league. It seriously looks like Cloris is not even rehearsing, but is just sitting on the sidelines watching. Seriously, America. Stop voting for her. This is just getting sad.
The dance begins with everyone standing around in a parody of old school hip hop outfits and Cody beatboxing. And then Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock kick in. Oh, yeeeeeeeeah. This is my jam. Well, me and anyone else who was alive in 1988. The first solo spot goes to Cloris and Corky. Cloris punches the air while Corky does some breakdancing which is actually impressive since he's no spring chicken. When the whole group dances together, Cloris and Corky just stand up on the band's stage and do nothing. Which was probably a good direction from the choreographer. Susan Lucci also appears to struggle with the choreography. Warren is kind of awesome. Maurice and Cheryl get their solo spot and do a flip. Cody and Julianne do a booty shake. Lance and Warren move toward the front and do really well. Seriously, you guys, Warren is really good at learning choreography. Brooke and Derek have a faceoff with Warren and Kym. Susan Lucci is terrible. Susan and Lance just had a faceoff and I don't know what she was doing, but it was bad. Cloris finally comes back up front and pretends like she was part of the routine for the very end. I wish the pros would do a hip hop number because Lacey and Derek, in particular, were really awesome.
The judges are allowed to comment although they won't be scoring. Bruno thinks some of them looked hip and some looked like a hip replacement. Cloris has to walk out in front of them and draw attention to herself. Michael says nothing interesting and Carrie Ann says that it took her back to her Fly Girl days. Totally! Those were totally Fly Girl moves. Those are like the days when my friend Bola and I used to tape Janet Jackson videos and then try to learn the whole routine. I still know the opening to "Nasty" right up until the back tuck, which I could not do.
The final standings:
Lance and Lacey: 27
Brooke and Derek: 26
Warren and Kym: 26
Susan and Tony: 23
Cody and Julianne: 23
Maurice and Cheryl: 21
Cloris and Corky: 15
Please, America. I beg of you. Send Cloris home. Even Susan deserves to stay longer, and I'm saying that after I just watched her ridiculous performance in that hip hop number.
Kim plots world domination, one domain at a time, at her blog Fresh Hell. You can contact her at reedkim@gmail.com.
See how this season's contestants stack up to dancers of season's past.