In the review of last week's activity, Tom lumps Jeff and Ted together as "funny guys," which I guess may be true, but seems weird. Tom reveals that tonight will be the paso doble and the rumba, and while the stars had five weeks to prepare for last week's dances, this time around, they only had four days. FOUR DAYS! Except that if they learned the other dances quickly, they could have started on this one, right? Or do they not know until after the results show which one they are doing?
Anyway, Tom and Samantha introduce the couples, and they have some wacky outfits this week! There are a lot of boobs. Hello, Toni's boobs. And Brooke's boobs. And Susan Lucci's boobs, which look like ping pong balls attached to a toothpick. Len explains that tonight is tougher than last week because of the short prep time, but he hopes to be surprised. My husband (he's back!) remarks that HD is not kind to Cloris Leachman. I tell him that I'm not kind to Cloris Leachman either.
Toni and Alec are up first. Toni reveals that Alec promised her that if they made it through the first week, he would sing in public, since that would make him as uncomfortable as dancing makes her. So Alec goes to a karaoke bar and tries to sing "Unbreak My Heart" and he is TERRIBLE. Really bad. Good thing this show isn't called "Singing with the Dancers." Their rumba begins. I'm wondering how Toni keeps that awesome body if she has a heart condition and probably isn't really allowed to work out hard. Maybe she's just genetically blessed. Anyway, the rumba is not really my thing. It always looks like Solid Gold to me. Their flesh-colored outfits aren't helping. I can tell that it looks graceful, although I'm not feeling the emotional connection. What about the judges? Tom holds up a 2 paddle as his score for Alec's singing first. In real judging, Len says that he was surprised at how good it was, although he would have liked more basic dancing. Bruno liked the dramatics, but they need to work on the basics. Carrie Ann thinks that Toni dances like she sings, but she calls them on two lifts. Really? There were? I was totally not paying attention. Sorry about that. Backstage, Alec makes a William Hung joke. Again, really? Alec needs better writers. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 8.
Derek and Brooke are up . Tom reminds us that they got the highest scores last week, including the only 9s. Brooke worries in interviews that they set the bar too high, so people will have big expectations for their paso doble. Derek tries to get Brooke to bring out her intensity and passion, which isn't Brooke's strong suit. Hey, how about coming up with some contrived footage for the clip package? They go to a karate dojo to learn intensity. One thing Brooke does that makes her stand out among the celeb amateurs is her precise arm movement. It seems like most of the others are still trying to learn the steps and posture, and she's already adding the details that make for the higher scores. There are a few screw-ups however, including a slide that doesn't go so well, and a few other small problems. It's not as good as last week, in my opinion. But my opinion means nothing! Carrie Ann was mesmerized. Len liked their controlled aggression, except for the "messing about" at the beginning and end. Bruno tells Brooke that she's born to dance due to her "breathtaking artistry." Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Brooke and Derek are both really happy with that.
Rocco and Karina have the rumba this week. Rocco is having a hard time channeling his emotions into the dance. In fact, when he tries to be sexy, Karina just laughs at him. I...thought Rocco was not, as they say, straight? Allegedly? I don't know why he wouldn't be out though so maybe I'm just grasping at straws - I mean Clay Aiken is out, so what's left? [Ed's note: Um, dude is straight as an arrow. -- Lauren] Anyway, Rocco cooks her a romantic meal, like somehow that's going to translate into him being a better dancer. I don't know. Let's see how it goes. Their dance starts with Rocco wearing an apron and sprinkling glitter on a platter and then Karina walks in and he walks down to begin the dance. And you know what? He's pretty good. He does a good job keeping his toes pointed and there's a little bit of hip action. I think he'll end up in the middle of the pack somewhere. Judges? Bruno thinks "the stallion has run out of juice," and there was no emotion. Carrie Ann thinks Rocco looks natural on the dance floor, but he lacks musicality. Len makes some sort of recipe analogy but basically he thought it sucked. So how does this translate to scores? Carrie Ann 5, Len 6, and Bruno 5. Man, I didn't think it was THAT bad. Rocco is very positive and smiling, which might win him some votes.
Lacey and Lance are up . Lance should really be doing better than he is. I blame Lacey. She explains the traditional bull/cape thing and they decide to just bag that and go with their own story. Wow, that's a great idea. In a ballroom competition. Anyway, they rehearse a lot, but I don't think Len is going to like it. Lance is dressed like Derek Hough with the sleeveless white button down shirt. Here's the thing: Lacey is not that good of a ballroom dancer. Like, I think Brooke might be better than her. I'm pretty sure Kristi Yamaguchi was better, as was Mel B. So why is she on this show? I kind of hate her. Anyway, they throw a bunch of modern moves -- like ass-smacking -- into the dance for no reason other than to be assholes. What does Len think? Len says that they can't just throw a couple of paso doble moves in there and think he'll approve. I'm with Len! Yeah! Carrie Ann thought it was unique, but there were some unnecessary parts. Bruno thinks they dropped the style and changed it to hip hop at times, and they can't do that. And Bruno gets bleeped but maybe the censors are just trigger happy after he said tits last week. Scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7.
Tom brags that Kim's mambo was one of the most-watched clips on the Internet last week. Um, maybe because people couldn't believe how terrible it was and forwarded it to their friends saying, "Can you believe this horseshit?" Kim has a hard time dancing sexily with Mark, because she sees him as a brother. So she goes to visit Robin Antin. Oh, I can't stand any of those Antin-ites. They're all idiots. Anyway, Robin tells her to use her hair in the choreography. That's not at all helpful. I think Kim's biggest problem is that she doesn't fully commit to the dances and she's such a fake person with no personality that she can't let her "real" personality come through in the dance. And there is no hip action. She looks like she's just going through the motions. Poor Mark's hips are working overtime, to no avail. Judges? Bruno tells her that maybe she can't dance, but she needs to be less distant and cold. Len is disappointed because she has potential but there's nothing there. Carrie Ann thinks Kim needs to watch her tapes (hee!) because she's just not getting it and all of her dances have looked the same. Ugh, please let her leave this week. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 5. Higher than Rocco? Really? Blech. As Samantha interviews them, you can totally see Lacey in the back making a bitch face and rolling her eyes. Hmm. I wonder if she hates Kim or Mark.
Misty May and Maks rehearse their paso doble. Misty May is having a serious breakout this week, and Maks is really being rude to her, trying to get her in shape. Misty gets frustrated and Maks apologizes. I think he kind of digs that he has a partner that he can really yell at and she can take it, because she's used to competing at such a high level. My biggest problem with the whole thing is that they seem like they're trying to replicate Maks and Mel's paso from two seasons ago - -Misty's outfit is almost exactly the same. Misty is no Mel though - her posture just isn't there. She's got the steps down, but she's not precise enough and her shoulders are hunched over. Ooh, it's not good. I will say that at least Maks doesn't try to cover it up by having her stand still while he dances around her, which he used to do a lot of back in the day. Carrie Ann compliments their energy, especially after Kim and Mark's routine, but tells her to work on her shoulders. Carrie Ann also says that it was a really difficult routine. Bruno starts yelling about Xena and whatnot and then advises Misty to work on her finesse. Len thought it was a good attempt, but Misty gets so focused that she loses the connection with her partner. Backstage, Maks apologizes for how hard he pushed Misty, but she seems fine with it. Scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Not bad! I didn't think it was that good, frankly.
Maurice did the worm last week. So how can he and Cheryl top that with their rumba? Maurice talks to himself in the mirror about how sexy he is, but Cheryl tries to get his hip action right. She takes him to a belly dancing place to learn about hip action. I know they have to have filler for rehearsal time every week, but these contrived setups are so annoying. I mean, I guess this one is better than Rocco learning to dance by cooking a meal. So did it work? Maurice definitely has the character down and Cheryl's costume tonight is way more flattering than last week's. Maurice needs to work on his hand positions. He tries for the hip action, but it's not quite there. He can move his upper body really well. He kind of loses the character halfway through, it seems. Maybe it's just me. Judges? Len thought his dance was all right, but it lacked finesse. Carrie Ann wants to see Maurice's energy come out in the dance. Bruno thought it would be more smooth and slinky and makes some sort of allusion to Maurice being a tiger in the bedroom and knowing how to move his hips ... and I didn't need to hear that. Wait, isn't this the dance that's a vertical expression of a horizontal desire? I can't believe no one has said that yet! That's totally a first. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 6.
Corky and Cloris, your favorite batty old dame. Or your least favorite bawdy wack-job. Some people in the forums were really offended by Cloris, which I found surprising. She's not offensive. She's just kind of over-the-top, like Robin Williams. She can't turn it off. And sometimes I suspect that she uses humor to try to cover for her diminished abilities. Anyway, Corky has a serious talk with her about focusing and improving her dancing skills instead of relying on jokes to get through this week. The paso doble begins with Cloris in the middle of the floor swirling her skirt around and it's actually pretty good. Her posture is good. Her footwork is...not good. But she can do dramatic, and covers up a lot with her full skirts and the swirling. Plus, she's the cape in this scenario so Corky gets to just drag her around part of the time. I mean, it's not great, but she actually danced this week, so there's that. The crowd loves it. Bruno thought it was surreal and just keeps yelling out old school celebrities like Ava Gardner. Len liked the choreography and the music. Carrie Ann admires Cloris, though she doesn't say much about the dance. She does say that she misses Cloris's antics. I realized last week that Cloris has trouble hearing, which is why she kept walking up and standing near the judges last week: so she could hear what they were saying. See what I mean about how she uses schtick as a cover-up? Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Backstage, Samantha tries to interview Cloris and at one point Cloris tries to rip off her wig to prove that blondes have more fun. Cloris is obsessed with her score and rambling as usual. She vows that even if she gets voted off, she'll be back. I don't doubt it.
Susan and Tony will do the rumba this week. Tony comes to New York to rehearse while Susan shoots her soap. They talk to Cameron Mathison about the whole commuting thing, which is a better use of time than going to the zoo or something stupid, but he doesn't really have much to say. So how is their rumba? Susan has some stupid headband on that I immediately dislike. Ooh, but she rips Tony's shirt open. Sexy! This is a good dance for her because her fragility kind of works and she's very graceful. She's always going to do better with the slower dances than the fast numbers. What do the judges think? Carrie Ann enjoyed it, and she gets in a compliment for Tony's chest. Bruno thought it was very good, but Susan needs to throw herself into it more. Len didn't like when Tony exposed himself but he thought Susan did a great job getting into the character of the dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7.
Warren and Kym are set to go . Man, my husband has VERY STRONG FEELINGS about Warren. Who knew? He's not even a big football fan. He just hates Warren Sapp a lot. They're doing the paso doble, so Kym thinks Warren will do well with the aggression, but he has a hard time not smiling. Kym is wearing almost the same outfit that Misty had on. It looks like they are going for a Matrix theme or something. This is not Warren's best dance. He needs something he can groove to a bit more. He does really well with the turns. It's not as good as last week, though. Something gets messed up at the end and they start laughing. Len liked the attitude and the opening. Carrie Ann loved it too, especially the dynamics. Bruno thought it was "big, bold, and heroic" and he compliments Warren's footwork. My husband goes, "But he's still a dick, though." Well, no one said he wasn't, dude. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8.
Cody and Julianne are the final couple to dance this week, and they're doing the rumba. Cody has such a boner during rehearsal. He has trouble focusing, and they don't have much time. He claims that romance isn't his strong suit. Dude. You're dancing with Julianne. Just look at her like you want to do her, which you probably do, unless you like dudes. Then I guess you can just pretend that she's Derek or something. Their dance is actually quite good. Sometimes Cody mistakes "sexy" for "gritting his teeth and jutting out his lower jaw." But he has good lines, if not great footwork. Bruno tells him that he's got the moves but he needs better control and focus. Len thinks it lacked a little polish and then there's some reference to some move that Cody made and it's all very confusing and awkward. Finally, Carrie Ann tells him it was age appropriate. Is that a compliment? So how about those scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Cody is kind of charming when he jokes about what women want and being romantic. Or at least he doesn't bug me as much as usual.
So here are the standings:
Brooke and Derek: 24
Warren and Kym: 24
Toni and Alec: 23
Misty and Maks: 21
Susan and Tony: 21
Cody and Julianne: 21
Lance and Lacey: 20
Maurice and Cheryl: 19
Kim and Mark: 17
Rocco and Karina: 16
Cloris and Corky: 15
Who should go home? Probably Cloris and Corky. But who will? I think Cloris might get one more week out of it and Rocco will go home. But I wish Kim would go. Are there seriously people out there who like her? I don't get it. See you tomorrow night!