Tom reminds us of all the craziness that happened last night, and announces that tonight, the first celebrity will be sent home while the rest perform again. And it's all happening LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Oh, some of the outfits tonight are already killing me. The celebs and their partners are lined up in elimination formation on the stage. Samantha's hair has a lot of secrets tonight. The first couple safe is -- no surprise -- Lance and Lacey. We get to see some rehearsal footage where Lacey teaches the moves by telling Lance to act like a gingerbread man or pretend he's a dog peeing on a hydrant. And while that sound dumb, I think that method would actually work with a lot of people who don't know the dance terminology, which can be intimidating. Lance says it works for him anyway. They begin their quickstep to the Cure of all things and something about it is just off for me. I don't know if it's not quick enough or what. The beginning is kind of like the tango where they aren't looking at each other. It's technically good, though. Maybe the judges can help me out. Len says he didn't like their posture or hold, and I agree with him. Bruno liked their freshness and timing, and thought they performed well. Carrie Ann was entertained, but she wasn't impressed. She also sort of tells Lacey she needs to step up her ballroom skills, but not in so many words. Good. I'm a purist when it comes to my television fake ballroom dancing. Backstage, Lance tries to say something about peeing like a dog, but he accidentally says peeing on a dog. Oops. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 8. Tom cracks that Lance will soon be hearing from PETA after the dog mixup.
And we're back to hear more results from last night. The safe couple, who will be dancing right now, is Misty and Maks. And now they have to do the mambo. In rehearsals, Maks tries to teach Misty about hip action, but she has a lot of trouble, because it feels so unnatural. Ooh, Misty's outfit is very... colorful. Misty really reminds me of someone and I can't quite put my finger on it. Laura Prepon, maybe? She does a decent job with the hip action, but it's a little more hip hop video than Latin. To his credit, Maks really lets Misty take the spotlight for much of the dance -- she's on the floor alone quite a lot, and Maks hardly ever lets his partner do that. Carrie Ann loved it, and advises her to work on her arms. Len liked the solo work and the hip action, but agrees on working on her arms. Bruno likes the power and attack, but it creates a little too much intensity and tenseness in her shoulders. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. I just realized that they make everyone go out on stage for the announcement of which couple is safe, and then herd them all into the back room while the performance happens. They must be exhausted. Poor Cloris.
So all the couples are hauled back out on the stage once again so we can find out who is safe and will be dancing . And the winners (tonight) are Maurice and Cheryl. In rehearsal, Cheryl works on the mambo with Maurice, who enjoys it a lot more, although he puts a lot of his own moves into it. Like the wave. And the robot. Cheryl reminds him about rules and technique. I love how Maurice is just so happy all the time. I guess Helio was the same way, but Maurice is joyful. So let's see this mambo. Their outfits look really familiar. I think someone else wore very similar colors once. And wow, Cheryl is a lot bigger. I know I said it last night, but it's hard to believe she gained that weight in just a few months, especially for someone who works out as much as she does with the dancing. I do admire that she doesn't back off from the skimpy outfits. If she feels good, rock it! This is kind of an unconventional mambo -- at one point, Maurice does The Worm. I don't know about that. It's so fast that you can't really see the technique, which is probably the point. Judges? Bruno thought it was dynamic and exuberant, even if it wasn't a classical mambo. Carrie Ann thought his transitions were much better tonight and his energy was contagious. Len thinks that learning two dances is nearly impossible, and he thinks Maurice will only improve from here. Len hated The Worm though. Maurice promises not to do it again. Backstage, Maurice can't name one competitor who worries him because they all do. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Well, those are the scores of the night, aren't they?
And everyone's back out there to find out who gets to dance . The couple dancing will be... Brooke and Derek. In rehearsals, Derek emphasizes posture, and specifically that her boobs keep touching his chest, and that's not supposed to happen. So in rehearsal, Brooke puts her baby in a carrier on her chest and dances that way. It helps her and puts the baby to sleep! They begin their quickstep, wearing all black and white, which looks very elegant. I figured out what was bothering me about Lance and Lacey -- they weren't doing all the quick head turns, and Derek and Brooke are nailing them. It's really good. The choreography is excellent and their movements are very precise. That was like a routine you'd see near the end of the competition. Len repeats that it was the best dance so far. It doesn't mean as much when there were only a few couples before them. Bruno thinks it was sensational. He's almost at a loss for words. Carrie Ann is blown away. I think we might see our first higher scores! Backstage, Derek jokes that a lot of guys would think he's crazy for chastising Brooke for pressing her boobs into him. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9. I knew they'd be high. I notice in the background, Warren Sapp has on an eye patch like Jeff Ross's. Good to know they're having fun in the back room.
I wish they would just tell us who's going home now, because I feel bad for the celebs having to run back and forth on every commercial break. But instead, we find out that the couple to be dancing will be... Cloris and Corky. Cloris starts to wander offstage. Where is she going? So Corky and Cloris rehearse the mambo. Cloris finds out that she's older than the mambo. For some reason, they practice while holding the wall. I don't know. I'm a little worried that Cloris is going to throw a hip. Her outfit tonight is like Carmen Miranda was dipped in gold, and not in a good way. At one point, Corky is behind her slapping her ass and pretending to ride her like a horse. Corky! That is not appropriate! There's not much dancing. Corky tries to do everything he can to make it seem like something is happening, but mostly Cloris is just walking around. She does do a bunch of turns at the end, but big deal. Look, I like a feisty old broad as much as the person, but I also like to see some dancing, and if she ends up staying longer than people who can actually dance, it will kind of suck. Cloris reveals that she bribed the judges, and they all hold up some bills. Carrie Ann gives hers back, and Cloris goes to collect it, commenting that she knows the judges don't get much money. Carrie Ann gives Cloris points for entertaining. When Len starts to speak, Cloris goes over to show her cleavage again and Len finally gets out that he gives points to Corky for his choreography. Bruno says something but between Cloris's wandering around and grabbing the judges and everything, I don't even know. She certainly is unpredictable, and I do love that, even if Tom Bergeron looks like he's about to have a coronary. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Cloris says that she's leaving after those scores. Not like she's going to be sent home, but like she's going to walk off. Corky is hugging Cloris from behind, and I think he's restraining her. Cloris demands that she get to stick around, and she thinks the judges are mean.
The couple safe to dance is... Toni and Alec. As they rehearse their quickstep, Toni has to take a lot of breaks because of her heart trouble. Alec has her work on her breathing and keys it to the steps. She's holding her breath when she shouldn't, and breathing in when she should breathe out. Sounds complicated. So let's see if she makes it through without collapsing. This seems more like a waltz than a quickstep at first, although Toni's dress is lovely. They eventually add in a little more hopping and leaping and kicking. It seems like Toni is thinking too much, but I can't blame her. They end with a spin and Toni is careful to keep one foot on the floor. It was nice, but careful. Bruno thought it was beautiful, and he cautions her to watch her shoulders at the end. Carrie Ann was worried about her at the beginning, but she thinks they move well together. Len thought the whole thing was nice, although she had "a funny head" at one point. Tom gets a lot of mileage out of that comment. Backstage, Alec comments on how difficult it is not knowing when or even if you'll be able to dance, and then all of a sudden it's like, "Go! Go!" How about some scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8.
Man, they are just running right through these. The couple to dance will be...Warren and Kym. Warren confides that he enjoyed the cha cha but the quickstep is really tough for him. Kym admits that he's not built for it. Maybe she could adjust her choreography? Warren says he's not a quitter, and "Fat Boy's gonna get this!" I kind of love him. Let's see if he can actually dance the quickstep, though. Ooh, he gets the tricky kicks in the opening that he struggled with in rehearsal, and his footwork is quick and quite awesome. And he gets his feet up pretty high on the kicks. Wow! That was really good! Warren might win the battle of diminished expectations -- when you see him, you can't imagine that he can pull off those moves, and then he does and it's more impressive than when someone like Derek does it. Len is a total buzzkill, saying that it was entertaining but the technique wasn't there. Bruno thinks it was incredible, especially considering what a short time they had to rehearse. Carrie Ann was impressed that he didn't miss a step. She does agree with Len that his footwork wasn't quite there. I saw him miss a few steps, but Jesus. Compared to Cloris, he was a professional. Backstage, Warren says he's having fun and he can't care about technique right now. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Well! It didn't sound like he'd get scores that high.
After commercials, we find out that Ted and Inna get to dance again. Seriously, there are couples that I totally forgot were on the show in just twenty-four hours. I think there were too many couples for the first week. In rehearsals, Ted starts doing his own version of the mambo. He loves the mambo! Unfortunately, his moves aren't quite proper ballroom technique. So let's see how he fares on the floor. He looks good! His posture is good. He reminds me a lot of Cameron Mathison -- he's handsome and he's got a great body shape but he's a bit stiff. I think the disadvantage for Ted is that Inna isn't as experienced with choreographing to disguise a partner's weaknesses. His posture kind of falls apart as the routine goes on, and there is no hip action as far as I can see. So it started out strong, but went downhill. Carrie Ann says that there were a lot of moves in that dance, but he looked a little awkward. She thinks he can overcome it though. Len thinks he showed that hard work pays off. Bruno thinks he focuses on the moves and needs to listen to the music more. Those are all really good pieces of feedback. I like when the judges do that. I think it sets this show apart from some other competition reality shows, where the participants get no constructive criticism. Backstage, Ted says that the performance is really frightening. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 7.
OMG, there are still so many couples left. So the couple to dance again is Cody and Julianne. They have to rehearse the quickstep. Julianne thinks that Cody is a little "loosey-goosey" and she doesn't say it, but he's kind of immature. That would drive me insane. But Julianne can work wonders with choreography, so let's see. Julianne is just so magnetic, it's hard not to watch her instead of her partner. Cody's head movements aren't as sharp as I would like; he needs to work on the precision of his moves. Do the judges agree? Bruno says he was proud like a parent, and loves their charm and energy. He counsels Cody to work on his control. Carrie Ann thinks the quickstep is really difficult, and Cody pulled it off. Len thought he danced with maturity, and showed good control, despite being a bit loose here and there. Backstage, Cody can barely talk because he's out of breath. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Julianne is thrilled and Cody feels more confident now.
Only four couples left, and only three will dance. Kim Kardashian truly has nothing going on in her head, does she? She has the most vacant stare I've seen in a while. Who will we see ? Rocco and Karina. Oh, Rocco is thrilled. He's kind of winning me over. In rehearsals, Rocco realizes that he can't move his hips at all. He really can't. He is a spazz. Rocco promises to get out there and give it his all, even if he falls on his face. I admire that. Rocco starts out sitting to his mom in the audience. Did she bring any meatballs? Hey, I think I saw some hip action there! Also, he's really into it, and he does a good job with the little kicks and stuff. He's got more hip action than Ted did. They end kind of late or something, but it had good energy. Len thought it was much better than last night. Bruno thinks it was a great turnaround and he's stunned. Carrie Ann thought it was incredibly sexy and she's blown away. Backstage, Karina is giddy over the judges' comments. Rocco encourages everyone at home to start dancing as part of a national health care plan. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Rocco is psyched with his improvement over last night.
Man, if I feel like this is endless, I can only imagine what the remaining three couples feel like. But at least the couple, Susan and Tony, don't have to wait any more. Oh, that means it's down to Jeff Ross and Kim Kardashian. Do you know how excited I will be if Kim goes home first? I will literally jump off my couch and yell "HOORAY!" and probably scare the cat. Anyway, Susan has trouble in rehearsal, because she feels like she's not getting it quickly enough. Tony assures her that she's ahead of schedule and doing great. Susan is a perfectionist, so this must be really difficult and challenging for her. Does she pull off the quickstep? She looks very elegant, certainly, but you can kind of see her counting in her head. Her footwork is okay; I think in all the fuss over Cloris, we forget sometimes that Susan is no spring chicken. About halfway through the routine, she finally looks like she's loosening up and having some fun. She needs to do that more often. Carrie Ann thought it was much better tonight, but she interrupts herself to tell Tony he's giving her dirty looks. Why do Carrie Ann and Tony hate each other? That's way more interesting than the fake storylines they come up with on this show. Len loved it, but he wants her to be less careful. Bruno thought it was elegant, and she excels in ballroom. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Samantha points out that they improved over last night's score by seven points.
I'm curious how they will handle this. Will the eliminated couple get a sendoff and then the others dance? Or vice versa? Either way seems quite awkward. Tom reminds the remaining couples that they are not necessarily the bottom two, but one of them will be going home for sure. And the couple going home is... Jeffrey and Edyta. Jeff actually looks sad. I'm not sure if he's doing shtick, but it looked sincere. Jeff jokes that the whole thing was a nightmare, and then says that he was told that Edyta was going to be easy on the eyes. Get it? Because he hurt his eye? And also Jeff encourages others to try dancing and also has some kind words for Edyta. But before they can do their last dance, Kim and Mark have to go!
Kim is worried in rehearsals that she can't be sexy in the mambo. And you know what? She's not sexy. She's too controlled. We get a few shots of the famous ass. She is like the least sexual person to ever have a sex tape. Oh, they're dancing to "Baby Got Back." So wrong. Is this supposed to be a mambo? I haven't seen any dancing yet. Just a lot of Mark flouncing around and Kim acting like a stripper and standing in one place and striking poses. That was fucking terrible. Please let her go home tomorrow night. I can take "celebrities" with no reason for being famous, and I can't take people who don't have the dancing goods. But put both of those people in one body, and I really can't take it. At least Jeff Ross, who was also a terrible dancer, could come up with a quip now and then. Bruno says that Kim is frustrating and he tries to make a financial bailout joke but I don't know. Len says that Kim has put in her head that she's not sexy and it's self-fulfilling. Carrie Ann thinks they need to consider that Kim had to stand there and wait all night. Backstage, Kim claims that she's "reserved." Yeah, she's just a shy girl with a sex tape. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. She has no personality. I really can't stand her.
Everyone dons eye patches to say goodbye to Jeff and Edyta. Cloris looks devastated to hear that she's in last place. Is she really that surprised? I'd like to live in her world for a while. Here are the standings:
Brooke and Derek: 26
Toni and Alec: 23
Cody and Julianne: 23
Warren and Kym: 22
Susan and Tony: 22
Lance and Lacey: 21
Misty and Maks: 21
Maurice and Cheryl: 21
Rocco and Karina: 21
Ted and Inna: 19
Kim and Mark: 18
Cloris and Corky: 16
Who will go home tomorrow night? Possibly Ted -- I just don't see the fanbase pulling for him. But God I hope it's Kim. I can take another week of Cloris. I can't take another week of that waste of space.