Last week, according to Tom, the Gute got the boot! The special effects department blows their budget for the entire season when they put television static in Gute's goggle lenses so he looks like a robot. Number five is alive! Also, everyone is gunning for Kristi, since she's the scoring leader. And tonight's show? Is LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Samantha and Tom introduce the couples. Oh, no. Adam is wearing a fake mustache. I fear "hilarity" will ensue. Holy Karina's boobs. Who knew she was hiding those things under her costumes? Well, probably every straight red-blooded American male (and some gay females) watching this show.
Kristi and Mark are up first this week, probably to avoid accusations that they keep getting the pimp spot. Last week, the judges felt that Kristi didn't deliver enough "emotional engagement." My husband just pointed out that Kristi has the Shannen Doherty eye wonk, where one is higher than the other. He even knew to cite Shannen Doherty as the gold standard of uneven eye placement; I'm so proud. Then he highbrows it and says it looks like she was painted by Salvador Dali. Why am I even here? I'm just going to let him do these weecaps from now on. Unfortunately, he usually leaves the room in disgust halfway through the episode, so I guess you're stuck with me. This week, Kristi and Mark have the paso doble. Mark is dressed as, you guessed it, a bullfighter, in a burgundy suit with gold trim. The song starts and it's..."Blue Monday?" By New Order? Except the singer is singing the words like it's an opera, so he sounds like Will Ferrell when he used to do the music teachers skit with Ana Gasteyer on SNL. OK, people ripped on Marks' guppy faces last week, but I thought it was a one-off, but he's doing it again this week. He needs to tone that shit down. I don't like the choreography either. It's well-executed, but it doesn't look much like a paso doble to me, and I think this was a misstep for them.
But what do the judges think? Len tells Kristi that she can't dance bad. Yeah, but he can speak bad. And without the use of adverbs. Maybe it's a British thing. Anyway, Len has the small criticism that Kristi didn't show enough emotion. Bruno, who's wearing a glitter suit, disagrees -- he loved the emotion and the technical perfection. Carrie Ann thinks Kristi and Mark set the gold standard and raise the bar for everyone else. Man, was I off. Maybe the crappy cover of their song threw me. Backstage, Samantha asks Kristi if she thinks this might earn her a 10. Does it? Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10 for a total of 29. Wow. I need my dance judger recalibrated, because I didn't like it at all. I would give it a 7-- technically good, but not entertaining.
Priscilla and Louis are up , since they had the second highest scores last week with their tango. Priscilla is wearing seafoam green, and I noticed many of the waltz ladies are wearing pastels this week. When they stand together, they look like the ill-advised pastel rainbow bridesmaids' dresses my second cousin had when she got married in 1976. You know -- each bridesmaid wore a different color of the rainbow? Except there was also a Bicentennial theme, so they were like Little House dresses? And everyone wore bonnets? How I wish I were making this up. I was the flower girl. Anyway, Priscilla and Louis go roller-blading? To help their waltz? I don't know. Anyway, Priscilla screws up the footwork in the opening, and then again in the middle, but her gracefullness is very nice to see. There's a clear lift at the end, though, as Louis swings her around and both her feet come off the ground.
Bruno liked her romance, and gives her advice on her posture. Carrie Ann thinks Priscilla does a great job of not showing in her face when her feet falter. Um, that's because her face is Botoxed up? Carrie Ann points out the lift, but doesn't make a big deal out of it. Len also liked the choreography, but felt at times they were rushing it, and also says he'll deduct a point for the lift. As long as they're consistent about that, I think that's fair. As we wait for the scores, Tom says, "This ain't no disco. This ain't no country club either." At first I was like, "Is he quoting the Talking Heads? Tom!" But no, he was quoting Sheryl Crow because she's going to be on tomorrow night. Backstage, Samantha asks Priscilla about the lifts, and Priscilla says that she might not beat Kristi tonight, but there will be other nights. Scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8 for a total of 22.
Adam (who looks like Norm MacDonald imitating Burt Reynolds with his fake moustache) and Julianne are up . Adam jokes that after Carrie Ann called him sexy, he decided to ditch his family and move to Europe to model. Julianne thinks that if Adam can just focus on the dance and not offend anyone, they'll be in good shape. Adam, for his part, claims that he's in it...not to lose it. As their dance begins, Julianne is alone on the floor and then out comes Adam...on a unicycle! Wearing a Zorro mask and hat! He makes a complete circle of the floor before hopping off, and you know how I hate business before a dance. I think it's a smart move for Adam to reduce the amount of actual dancing as much as he can, but I would take a point off for that. It was interesting though, and different. Once they start dancing, Adam is technically okay, although he's too stiff, like his first routine. Julianne does a lot of smoke and mirrors to disguise it. He's better than the first two routines, but not as good as last week, in my mind. But it's funny without being super corny like Joey Fatone was. But Joey Fatone is a better dancer, so maybe it evens out.
Did the judges buy the unicycle bit? Carrie Ann says it was awesome until he got off the unicycle, and then says it was very creative. Bruno thinks Adam is a lovable character, so you want him to do well, but he's not much of a dancer. He did like the content that Julianne added. Bruno thinks Adam is "the classic example that genius and insanity go hand-in-hand" but the insanity takes over on the dance floor. So they were all entertained, but they all agree that the dancing wasn't great. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 19. The audience boos. Well, a couple of people boo. Samantha asks Adam if the unicycle trick was a disaster. Adam says his first instinct was to let Julianne dance and he would drive around her in a Rascal for ten minutes. Adam tries to get in a plug for his movie The Hammer, which is getting great reviews, although it's not playing anywhere near me yet. But maybe it's playing near you! And it's kind of a chick flick! Anyway, Tom does him a solid and mentions his movie again.
Marlee and Fabian are doing the Viennese waltz this week. Marlee has trouble with the spinning and the balance, and she thinks it may have to do with her deafness, which makes sense if her deafness is due to some sort of ear damage. Marlee gets frustrated with herself, but Fabian won't let her give up. Their dance begins to Billy Joel's "She's Always a Woman." Marlee is wearing a peach dress, in keeping with the rainbow wedding party theme. She's very graceful, but the angle of her head and the expression on her face makes her look dead, and at one point it kind of looks like Fabian is all Weekend at Bernie's. Also, this is a terrible arrangement of this song.
Len is impressed with the choreography as well as they way they executed it. Bruno likes how she interpreted the music, but wants her to watch her posture and how she holds her head. Carrie Ann is crying. CRYING! She is looney tunes. Seriously, she is like too verklempt to talk. I think Marlee must have some sort of magic fairy dust in person because everyone who's seen her dance live has talked about what a vibrant force she is, and it doesn't come across as strongly on television. Anyway, Carrie Ann recognizes that there were some posture problems, but she's crying. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. Really? Carrie Ann cried and then gave her an 8? Huh.
Mario and Karina's boobs are doing the paso doble this week, after a dip in their scores last week. Mario feels like he's fighting to stay alive in the competition. So Karina makes him do push-ups and sit-ups? While she yells at him? Is she going to make him chase chickens and jog up some stairs while the Rocky theme plays? The dance begins to "Higher Ground" by Stevie Wonder. Mario looks great. His moves are sharp, although he forgets to point his toes a couple of times. If he can make it through this week, he could be great doing a mambo or a rhumba. They do some sort of flip that doesn't seem like it could be legal for their big finish.
Bruno thinks that Mario came out with guns blazing, and he was strong and powerful. Carrie Ann liked it too, and thought he attacked it, but he needs to have better transitions. Len liked parts of it, but thinks his style is too wild. Bruno thinks it's more powerful. Tom has to intervene to get Len a chance to talk again, but he doesn't have much more to say other than that he has underpants older than Mario. Wow, I didn't need to think about Len's drawers. Hey, Julianne's boyfriend Zach is sitting behind Len. The wonders of hi-def. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 9 for a total of 24. The crowd goes nuts for Bruno's score.
Jason and Edyta didn't impress Len last week, so he's going to have to learn chivalry to do his Viennese waltz this week. So Edyta takes him to Medieval Times. God, how I despise these stupid field trips, although it is funny when Jason does the running man. I'm a sucker for late '80s dance crazes. They start dancing and Edyta is wearing more clothes than I've ever seen on her. Jason is quite graceful, though a little stiff. At one point, Jason trips over his own feet during a turn but he recovers well. And he's doing a good job of not looking at his feet, which he usually does. I thought it was nice, but not up to the pinnacle of Viennese Waltzes, which was Maks and Mel from last season.
Carrie Ann loved the elegance and grace, as well as the chemistry, so she'll forgive the stumble. Len loved it. Bruno thought he made it sexy and erotic, like a mating ritual. I'm a little uncomfortable with Bruno's discussion of the sexiness of the dance. Backstage, Edyta blames his stumble on nerves, and says that she's proud of him regardless. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. Holy crap! They tied Kristi! I don't know that it was a 29 dance, but then again, I didn't think Kristi's was either. But I think the judges wanted to send a message that Kristi winning isn't a foregone conclusion. Even though it kind of is.
Christian and Cheryl are up . I've never been a huge fan of Cheryl, and Christian's intensity kind of creeps me out. But let's see what they're up to this week. Cheryl keeps getting frustrated with Christian's inability to get the dance and she kind of comes off like a bitch, but she's having a rough couple of weeks, due to the tabloids. Cheryl takes Christian to her new dance studio opening, and Drew Lachey's there! Despite the tabloid rumors! I admire that. Eff the tabloids. So how's their paso doble? They are both wearing some sort of vinyl outfit and Christian is wearing a long jacket with no shirt on underneath. He's better this week, although intensity was never his problem. He's still kind of stiff and in his head though -- at times you can see him thinking through the steps like "left, left, STOMP!" But it's dramatic, which is what you need in a paso doble.
Len liked the passion, drama, and intensity, but he thought the music was a bit overpowering for them. Bruno thought he was totally in character throughout. Carrie Ann thought they did manage to work with the music, but he needs to work on his eyes, since he sometimes looked panicked when he's on his own. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9 for a total of 26. They are thrilled, and it's their best score so far.
As they go to commercial, there a teaser about Derek's injury last week, except we saw him at the results show and in the background of tonight's show, not wearing a neck brace, so it's really not all that dramatic. When they return, they show how Derek snapped something in his neck when he was rehearsing for the dance on the results show. He went to the hospital and everything, so he brought Jonathan in to dance with Shannon. The problem was that Derek couldn't stay seated, and kept getting up to show Shannon moves when he wasn't supposed to be moving that much. Shannon was concerned that he would do permanent damage. Anyway, I totally thought Jonathan was going to stand in, but there's Derek on the floor, preparing for his Viennese Waltz. This is a good dance for Shannon and her long legs and arms, and she looks quite graceful. They do a beautiful move where Shannon goes up on one foot and Derek twirls her -- she falters a bit at first, but pulls it off. And then at the end, they totes almost kiss! It was beautiful, but felt a bit careful, which was understandable.
Bruno thought it was romantic and "like a spring awakening." Carrie Ann thinks Shannon is getting more comfortable in her own body, which is kind of a creepy thing to say, but I know what she means. Len thought it was the best dance he's seen tonight. Backstage, Shannon says she wishes she could do the dance one more time, and Derek says that Shannon needs to give herself a break. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 10, and Bruno 9 for a total of 28, which includes the first 10 that Len has given out this season. Considering how Derek's injury probably affected their rehearsals, that's pretty awesome.
Tom says that he and judges were just discussing how amazing this season has been so far. But we still have Marissa to go. Last week, Marissa got eviscerated by the judges, though I thought it was fair. And I think it earned her more votes because people felt bad for her. This week, Tony challenges Marissa with his choreography. There's a lot of squealing as she learns the moves, which would annoy the crap out of me, but Marissa vows to fight this week like the audience fought for her to stay last week. So the paso doble begins. Marissa looks very intense, and shows off her flexibility with some back bends. Her kicks are still hella low though. Overall, it's a huge improvement, so I think she might make it another week.
Carrie Ann laughs that Tony is giving her dirty looks. What's up between them? They don't like each other. Carrie Ann says it was fantastic and that's the level of commitment she was looking for. Tony's kind of a dick -- I thought so last season when he wouldn't give up on the Liftgate issue, and he's not doing anything to change my mind. Len and Bruno both loved it as well. Marissa jumps up and down and squeals. Backstage, Marissa says that learning this intense dance was very therapeutic. Backstage, Tony finally smiles because he's not near Carrie Ann. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. I thought it was actually a little better than that -- I expected to see one 9.
Tom said a moment ago that tomorrow night they will reveal the bottom two for the first time this season. Well, I think that might be it for my boy Adam, but it's been a good run, and you never know. Here are the standings after tonight:
Kristi and Mark: 29
Jason and Edyta: 29
Shannon and Derek: 28
Christian and Cheryl: 26
Marlee and Louis: 24
Mario and Karina: 24
Marissa and Tony: 24
Priscilla and Louis: 22
Adam and Julianne: 19