It's time for more dancing off of the asses! I have to admit, the theme song for this show is unexpectedly catchy. This week, it's time for pole dancing, and the contestants and their dance partners head off to a product placement gym in West Hollywood for a lesson. Let's see how Alicia can make this all about her, shall we? Tara is the first to have issues with the concept, as she tells us that she's not exactly thrilled about the fact that her twelve-year-old son is watching at home. I'll bet he's not too thrilled, either. The tattooed instructor extols the benefits of pole dancing, which I used to think was BS until I saw a clip of the US Pole Dance Federation 2009 championship highlights on Youtube and it blew my mind. Those women can basically hold themselves in the air with just their vaginas. Incredible! After a brief demonstration, the contestants get to try it for themselves. Ruben calls it "amazing," while virginal Brandon is intimidated by the whole thing. Shayla is having trouble wrapping her 38H (!!!!!!!!) boobs around the pole. Trice is looking forward to her sexy costume, which just goes to show that she hasn't been paying attention to anyone's costumes thus far in the series.
With that, we go to the "live" portion and meet our judges in their rhinestone egg. Lisa's lips are looking very real this week, I must say. MJW manages to explain the rules of the game through the giant fake smile plastered on her face and calls up the first contestant: Shayla and her 38H boobs, which should really count as two contestants. Each. Shayla says she's working hard on good nutrition and working out, and just three weeks into the competition, she is no longer pre-diabetic! See how desperately your body wants to be healthy? Just give it a little exercise and nutritious food and it will thank you. Dr. H allows Shayla three seconds of happiness before warning her that her pre-diabetes will come roaring back if she gains weight again. Having to talk to Dr. H has put Shayla in a foul mood, so she does some boxing for her workout. And now, the dance. Her partner Mario is dressed like Emcee from Cabaret. Poor guy. They dance to "Don't Cha," and Shayla manages to overcome her boobicap and spin around the pole while Mario writhes around looking turned on. He gets to do a pole dance of his own, but it's somehow different when a guy does it. Mayte calls the performance sexy, but dings Shayla for appearing to anticipate her movements. She gives Shayla an 8! Lisa doesn't have any complaints, but only gives Shayla a 7. Danny beings by saying that he had low expectations for pole dancing this week, but Shayla really impressed him, enough that he could see her dancing professionally. That's not exactly a compliment, Danny. Anyway, he gives her an 8. Shayla's average is a very nice 7.7 and she lost 2.3 pounds for a percentage of 1.16. Her total score is 8.86, which should keep her out of danger. It also means that at least two people lost less than 1.16 % of their body weight. Pathetic, Brandon.
Second up is Ruben, who is wearing some weird makeup this week. He's proud to already be under the 300 pound mark and feels sexier, which I'm sure that boyfriend he left behind in the ICU will really appreciate. Ruben is all confidence and thinks he'll be number 1 for a second week in a row. He's dancing to "Slave 4 U," from back in the days before Britney was crazy. Him and Hilary do some weird robot-y moves I'm not a fan of and he has this weird expression on his face. He's also wearing a three-piece suit for a stripping dance. He takes the jacket off and does a spin on the pole, but that's about it. Bad choreography for Ruben this week. Mayte, however, calls Ruben's pole dance "sexy" and gives him an 8. Lisa loved the "story" of the dance and also gives Ruben an 8. Fortunately, Danny is the voice of reason and says that Ruben didn't use the pole as much as he could have, but then he gives Ruben a 7, so whatever. He gets a 7.7, the same average as Shayla, even though there's no way his dance was as good as hers. He lost an awesome 7.8 pounds this week, for a percentage of 2.64 and a total of 10.34. Ruben is such a ringer, but he's so happy about his progress that I can't help but like him.
up is Trice. She wasn't happy about the low amount of weight she lost last week, so she stepped up her workouts. But then some evil producer left a full cheesecake just sitting in the fridge! Trice interviews that she misses her cheesecake. Then she's sitting at the table with a different cheesecake and blaming it for the size of her ass. She settles for a dark chocolate-covered strawberry to satisfy her craving, as her nutritionist suggested. For a second there, I thought we were entering Biggest Loser product placement territory and she was going to crack open a cheesecake-flavored yogurt and say it was just as good as the real thing, which IT ISN'T. Trice and Jesus are dancing to "Milkshake," which is the best stripper song. While they dance, we cut to Karla making a Frankenstein's monster face. Oops! Karla forgot she was on camera. Trice doesn't do much spinning on the pole, but she does hump the pole and use it to help her into a split/ground-hump. Mayte dings her for not enough pole action, saying she didn't have to swing on it (since she obviously can't) but she could have touched it instead. She gives Trice a 7. Lisa says Trice's dancing was too fast and there weren't enough long, slow, sexy moves. I don't think you can do a long, slow, sexy move to "Milkshake," though. She gives Trice a 6. Danny docks Trice for not swinging on pole because it builds upper body strength and thus burns calories. Sure, but if you don't have the upper body strength to start with, you're probably not going to get it in just a week. He gives her a 6, for an average of 6.3. She lost only 2.9 pounds, which is 1.11 percent, giving her a total of 7.41. I guess those chocolate-covered strawberries weren't such a hot idea after all.
After the break, Miles is called up to dance. He wasn't happy with his meager weight loss last week, so he's determined to follow the meal plan and work out this week. Then he pulls an Alicia and throws everything in the re-stocked cheat cabinet in the garbage. Again, just because you don't want anything in the cheat cabinet doesn't mean that the other contestants feel the same way, Miles. Just don't eat anything in it and hope your fellow contestants do so you can win the money! Or take that garbage bag up to Brandon's room. He'll eat it. Miles loves the eat cabinet with all of its "whole-grain organic stuff," but I still see whole lot of peanut butter there, so whatever. Also, is that a Star Wars tattoo I see on Miles's arm? NERD! He says he's all about the routine this week. He's also, apparently all about wearing product placement gym shirts.
Miles and Michelle are dancing to "I'm Too Sexy," because someone had to do it. He struts to the pole and swings on it before he and Michelle do some coordinated moves. Then he has a little trouble with the breakaway pants but recovers in time to slap Michelle on the ass and slide down and back up the pole. To finish, he rips his shirt open and catches Michelle's legs as she does an upside down split. As soon as it's over, he hastily closes his shirt. Mayte tells him to hit harder, but still gives him an 8 for his outfit. But ... Ruben's outfit sucked and he still got an 8! I don't get it. Lisa seems to have negative things to say, but I'm not sure exactly what they are and then she gives him an 8 anyway. But then it's time for Danny. Did Miles keep his eyes off the ground this week, as he instructed? He did! Danny has only good things to say about Miles' work, but then gives him a 7 for an average of 7.7. Miles managed to step up the weight loss this week for a total of 4.6 pounds and a percentage of 1.83. His total is 9.53. MJW dubs in some lines about weight loss and hard work.
Pinky is chosen to dance . She's ready to be sexy and feminine this week, as Lisa requested last week, but admits that she feels out of her element and isn't comfortable with "the idea" of pole dancing. It all makes sense until she tells us her way of coping with this was to invent an alter ego for herself named "Cosa Rosa." Pinky tells us that means "Pink Stuff," so it's not very far off from her other alter ego. Where is Sophia in all of this, I ask you. Anyway, Pinky Pink Stuff and Mr. Lucky (who changed his name to "Cosa Suerte" this week), are dancing to "Lady Marmalade." Lisa is so godsmacked by the change in Pinky that she clutches her breasts and collapses onto Danny while mouthing "I love her." We see more of Lisa during this routine than we do of Pinky. She shows off her flexibility and does some of those long, sexy moves Lisa likes so much. She doesn't spin on the pole, but she did work it into her routine quite a bit, so hopefully that's enough for Danny.
It's not enough for Mayte, who says she wanted to see more of Pinky and the pole. She gives her a 7 for that, even though Pinky's dance was one of the better ones. How unfair! If Pinky can't swing on the pole, she can't swing on the pole! She incorporated into the routine as much as possible. Lisa is overcome with emotion and says Pinky has blossomed from a little girl whose brothers wouldn't let her dance with them into... what? A stripper? I don't know if that's better. But Pinky doesn't mind, since Lisa gives her a tearful 9, the highest anyone has gotten yet! Danny tells Pinky to work on tightening up her core because the extra weight she's carrying is causing her to stumble when she moves suddenly. Tell me about it. When I started playing soccer after ten years away from the sport, I was surprised to find that the boobs I grew since the last time I played had an effect on my ability to change direction quickly. Danny gives Pinky an 8, which is also her average score! I think that's the best average score we've seen so far. It already puts her ahead of the last place person so far, so the weight loss is the icing on the cake. She lost a not-so-great 2 pounds for a percentage of 1.1 and a total of 9.10. Pinky had better start losing some weight, because her dancing skills can't save her every week.
Brandon is the to go! He managed to lose weight this week!!! He's more surprised than anyone. Dr. H checks in with him, and it turns out that Brandon isn't doing all the workouts he's supposed to because he says his muscles hurt. It's time for a Dr. H smackdown. He tells Brandon that he has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a fatty liver, although it's not like Brandon cares about that since the diabetes wasn't enough to change his lifestyle. Brandon says he needs to push harder than before and get used to the pain. No pain, no gain, Brandon! He and Yesenia will dance to "Shake It." Brandon's outfit this week is pretty slick. Actually, he always seems to have the best outfit. He is going to be hot when he's skinny. He's a good dancer, too. He's really sexy for someone who's never had sex and flexible for someone who's never exercised. But he doesn't do much spinning on the pole. Yesenia does it instead.
Mayte says Brandon seemed to focus on losing weight more than dancing this week, but still gives him a 7. Such high scores this week! Oh wait -- it's Lisa's turn. She gives Brandon a 6, saying he didn't bring the sexiness. Really? I thought it was sexy. Maybe I have a crush on Brandon? Anyway, the crowd boos Lisa. Ha ha! Danny thinks Brandon should have done more on the pole since he has the upper body strength to do it. He gives Brandon a stern 6. That's an average of 6.3, so let's hope Brandon lost some major weight this week. It's 4.3 pounds for a percentage of 1.91, which isn't great, but it's the best Brandon's ever done so he's happy. And it gives him a total of 8.21, so he won't be eliminated.
The contestant to dance is Tara! Time to embarrass your son, Tara. Tara claims that her knee is feeling better, but it sure doesn't look better with all that wrapping on it. Dr. H told her the more movement she gives her knee, the better it'll be, but I don't trust him at all. Tara does, though, and gets ready to sexy dance. She really likes her schoolgirl costume, but tells us her children will not be watching this. Nor, I'd say, would they want to. My mom is very pretty, but I never, ever, ever, EVER want to see her do any kind of pole dance. I've seen her do the Twist at wedding receptions, and that was embarrassing enough. Tara adds that her husband will be watching. Ha, I like Tara. She and Michael are dancing to "Promiscuous." She doesn't have the flexibility and ease of movement some of the other contestants do, but her dance partner compensates for this by lifting her up on the pole while she has her leg draped over his shoulder. Then she slides down slowly with a sexy look on her face and writhes around on the floor, much to fellow mother Lisa's delight.
Mayte says Tara was sensual, and she liked that she trusted her partner enough to spin around over her head. And then she gives Tara a lousy 6, so whatever. Lisa loved everything for real, and gives Tara an 8. Danny is impressed with Lisa's improvement over the weeks and with how she was still able to use the pole even though she didn't have the upper body strength to swing on it herself, so he gives her an 8. Two 8s and a 6 -- what's Mayte's problem with Tara this week? Tara's average is a 7.3. She lost 2 pounds even for a lowly percentage of 0.87. That also means that there were at least two contestants who lost even less than that! I hope one of them is Alicia. Anyway, Tara's total is 8.17.
up is Alicia. WHAT? Shit. Not only is Alicia not in the bottom two, but Karla is. Ugh! AND we have to watch Alicia's outburst last week yet again. She says that when she was in the "bottom two" last week (which she wasn't -- Warren and Brandon were in the bottom two) she felt like her "dreams were being taken away from" her. You mean like how you took all the Doritos away from everyone else? Shut up, Alicia. She and Italo are dancing to "I Know What Boys Like," and she puts on her dramatic sexy face and rubs her body a lot. She does an impressive back bend on the pole and is able to hold her leg out for a second, which is more than I can do, but Italo is doing way too much jumping and dancing around while she does very little in comparison. Of course, Mayte loved it and gives her a freaking 8 that she doesn't deserve at all. Lisa also gives Alicia an 8, so maybe I missed something or let my dislike of Alicia keep me from judging her fairly. Danny is also pleased that Alicia seemed to take the criticism last week to heart and improved, so he gives her a 7. Her average is a 7.7, which is like a point or two more than I thought she'd get. As for weight loss, she lost 2.3 pounds for a percentage of 0.93, which sucks, but not as much as three of her opponents. Her total is an 8.63, and she'll be around week. Crap.
Back from break, MJW has no idea how to pronounce Trice's name. She's called her "tray-ce" and "try-ce," when we all know it's pronounced "tree-sha-nell" somehow. She's also currently in last place. Let's see what Karla can do! She had a hard time being serious and sexy this week when she's usually funny and goofy. She also doesn't like the stripper moves she has to do, because her difficulty with them only spotlights her excess weight. She says she'll need to "step it up" with the weight loss in order to compensate for how bad she thinks her dance will be, which is unfortunate since we all know how that turned out since she's in the bottom two. BUT Karla has one thing going for her right away: she is dancing to "I Touch Myself." She's a little awkward at first, but she and Jull do an impressive spin on the pole together that looks really cool. They end with Jull hanging upside-down on the pole and Karla kissing him.
Mayte noticed some doubt in Karla's face in the beginning and tells her to focus on both the dancing and the weight loss if she makes it to week. Karla obviously didn't focus on either of those things, though, so whatever. Lisa tells Karla not to "play" at being sexy but just be confident that she is sexy. That's easier said than done, Lisa. Danny agrees that Karla doesn't think she's sexy, and it shows in her dancing. Karla says that's true and looks tearful. Now she gets to see her pitiful weight loss, so I'm sure that'll make her feel much better. It's 1 pound for a percentage of 0.62. Karla just seems happy that she didn't gain.
Finally, we see Mara, who was confident last week until she heard that this week would be pole dancing. Even going up on the pole scares her. She says the pole isn't her friend, but she'll do whatever it takes to win the $100,000. She and Paul are dancing to "Cherry Pie," which is awesome. She's great and has a great routine, so I think it's between Karla and Trice this week. Mayte starts to say that Mara's dislike of the pole didn't show. Mara says she's afraid of the pole. Perhaps she had some kind of past trauma with a pole? This seems unreasonable. Lisa loved Mara's pole work as well, and says she gave her all into the routine. Danny says he thinks Mara's fierce energy comes from her anger over being in the bottom two. Mara says she has a lot of things working her nerves this week. Danny says she obviously worked hard this week and he loves her. Aw! I think Mara will be fine this week, unless she gained like 10 pounds. Nope, she lost 1.8 pounds, which is 0.71 percent. That means Karla lost the least this week. Oh no!
Back from break, Trice is already crying. Mara's scores are revealed first, which means she did fine. Mayte gave her a 9, and Lisa and Danny gave her an 8. Mara got the best average score of the week for a total of 9.01. So it's down to Karla and Trice. Karla will need an average of 7 to stay. Oh... I don't think she can do that, based on what the judges said. Danny gave her a 6, which is bad news. Lisa gave her a 6. That means that Mayte had to give her like a 9, which she didn't. Mayte speaks. She says that Karla is beautiful, and then gives her a 5, so I'm sure Karla really felt the self-esteem boost there. So Karla's gone? Nooooo! My former neighbor! Who will I root for now? Karla says she learned a lot and is happy just to be on the show and they edited her speech to bits. Lame. With that, MJW informs Ruben that he got the highest score for the second week in a row, which makes sense since he is a former professional dancer.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.