It's Disco Week on Dance Your Ass Off! But first, we have to check in on Alicia, because we can't have two minutes go by on this show without her crying. While the more normal and awesome contestants like Tara, Warren, Mara, and Shayla work out and work hard, Alicia is having trouble remembering her moves. "The turns are like, are messin' me up," she explains to her poor, poor dance partner Italo. He takes off, so Alicia has to practice all by herself. This frustrates her, so she lets out a number of grunts and groans. But she knows that won't get her the camera time she so obviously craves more than ice cream, so she heads down to the group kitchen to vent as if no one else on this show has a dance routine of his own to memorize. "The dance that I'm doing is like really technical," she says. "It's only Tuesday," one contestant says kindly, whereas I would have said something like "why don't you eat a bag of Doritos? That will make you feel better" because it's $100,000. Alicia starts talking about her tough life of obesity, as if her fellow fat contestants haven't had it just as rough as her, then breaks down into tears and loudness. "I had a bit of a meltdown," Alicia says calmly in an interview. Cut to her meltdown, in which she screams bloody murder and throws couch pillows while her contestants watch and laugh. Trice appears to be recording it with a cell phone, which makes her the most awesome person ever. Once the couch is dead, Alicia moves onto the target of her drama queen rage: the Cheat cabinet! She violently throws its contents in the trash, which is really rude because this isn't just her house and what if someone (Brandon) wanted to eat that stuff? And even that isn't enough -- Alicia has to take the trash out of the apartment entirely, much to Brandon's obvious dismay as he chases after her. One person (I think Shayla) lets out an awesome "girl!" And that's all she says, because what else can you say, really? Alicia says the junk food represents all the bad thoughts and her painful past, because it's easier to blame Frito-Lay than yourself. Now that it's all gone (until the crew re-stocks it the morning) she can clear her head. Meanwhile, the time she just spent screaming for attention could have been used in the gym or the dance studio. I hope she loses this week. I hate the Cheat cabinet, but it didn't deserve this.
We go to the "live" portion and MJW, whose hair and smile are bigger than ever in an attempt to make her body look smaller by comparison. She introduces us to the judges in their giant rhinestone egg. Lisa Ann Walter waves to the crowd and smiles with her lips that I have on good authority are totally real. Last week, I said I thought they were fake, but I was wrong. First up to dance is Karla, who I just saw on one of my favorite shows, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant! She was in a re-enactment scene and played a woman who didn't know she was pregnant until she gave birth in a toilet. Karla did a really good job with the material she was given. Karla says she's been working out hard this week while her fellow contestants were "sitting around chatting in their little rooms" or attacking couch cushions. Her dance is to "Funkytown," and she seems to do a good job, although I'm not thrilled with the choreography. And I'm especially not thrilled with the fact that they cut away to show Alicia's reaction to the dance instead of showing us the entire freaking dance. It's a dance show! Show us the dancing! Come on! Mayte isn't thrilled, either, saying that Karla was stiff in her shoulders. She gives her a "sassy 6." Is that better or worse than the "good 6" she gave out last week? Lisa thinks that Karla wasn't as connected to the disco music as she was last week's '80s music, and that she let Jull do a bunch of impressive leaps and jumps while she lay on the floor. She gives Karla a 5. Ouch. Danny blames Karla's performance on coming down from such a strong dance last week and gives her a 5. Karla tries to act happy with her crappy 5.3 average score and her 4.4 pound weight loss, which I think is impressive. It's 2.66% of her body weight, which gives her a total score of 7.96. Karla looks worried.
Second up is Shayla, who has worn the same purple shirt in every scene this week, including the interview. Change clothes, Shayla! She's frustrated this week because her large size has made it harder for her to do certain moves. She sobs on the floor but does not throw Doritos or scream, so who cares? She's dancing to "Upside Down," and despite that large size she was talking about, she looks pretty good in her orange skin-tight bodysuit. She's great with the dance, too. She ends by pulling a piece of paper out of her top and giving it to her partner. I think it's supposed to be money, but it looks like just a money-sized piece of white paper. Maybe it's a check? Anyway, despite Shayla's awesomeness, she only gets a "sexy 7" from Mayte, who is such a freaking hardass. And then Lisa just gives her a 6! Warren is in a lot of trouble this week, I think. Danny gives Shayla an 8, which I think is what she deserved. That makes her dance score average a 7. She lost 2.7 pounds for a percentage of 1.3, which isn't much, but puts her above Karla so she's definitely safe.
Miles goes , and he's got a "very technical" dance to learn after Lisa told his partner Michelle to give him something more difficult last week. He'll be dancing to "Shake Your Groove Thing." He gets a chance to show off his moves and even does an air-split. Mayte praises him but only gives him a 7, and not even a sexy 7. Lisa has nothing but praise for the dance and his "fast hustle," but, again, that's only good enough for a 7. Danny is sore because Miles is still looking down when he told him last week not to. He gives Miles a 6. Miles is happy with his 6.7 average, but not so much his 2.9 pound weight loss. That's just 1.14 percent of his body weight, giving him a total of 7.84 and last place for now. Yay! Karla is out of danger.
Mara is fourth. She's pretty confident this week about her performance abilities and her good nutrition. But it's easy to be confident when "Super Freak" is your song. But after all that talking up, she's not great, although she does finish with her dance partner in her arms, which was cool. And yet, even though I thought it looked forced and didn't flow very well, Mayte is the expert and she loved it. She gives Mara an 8! So does Lisa, of course. Danny is once again the best when he says the routine was "a little sticky." For this, the audience must boo and Lisa must yell at him, but Danny sticks to his guns and gives Mara a 6. Her average is a still-impressive 7.3, and she lost a decent 3.2 pounds. That's 1.25 percent, so her total is 8.55, putting her at the top of the leaderboard.
up is Ruben. He reminds us that his awesome weight loss last week kept him around for this week, since his dancing was not so good. And yet, he still thinks he's the best dancer in the group and that his age will actually be an advantage for him since he's more familiar with disco music than any of the younger contestants. He's dancing to "Turn The Beat Around." He has a bunch of tricky lifts and spins to do with his partner, but when he's just dancing with her, it's not much of anything. Mayte says that the dance was too many lifts and not enough dancing and gives him a 7. But Lisa actually disagrees! She was impressed with Ruben's strength and gives him an 8. Danny is also happy because Ruben followed his advice from last week. He gives Ruben an 8, for an average of 7.7, which means he's almost guaranteed to be out of the bottom spot unless he gained weight. But he doesn't! He loses 5.1 pounds for a percentage of 1.7 and a total of 9.4 and first place. MJW dubs in some lines about his hard work paying off.
Pinky is , which she's thrilled about after being in the bottom two of weight loss last week. She says she was determined to dance her ass off this week, but she's having trouble getting enough calories and feels out of her element with the disco stuff. Plus, her dance partner is named "Mr. Lucky," which would be bad for anyone. Oh, and finally, she's dancing to "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," but won't be doing any kind of Michael Jackson tribute because this was filmed before he died. Although hearing how badly the substitute singer does this song really is a tribute in and of itself, because you really appreciate Michael's talent. Seriously, I think it's one of the South Park guys singing. Pinky's leopard-print outfit makes her ass look awesome. She doesn't do anything especially impressive this week, and Mayte praises what she did with what she had but wants to see more from her week. She gives Pinky a 6. Lisa points out Pinky's costume and says "let your freak flag fly," which I don't know is a compliment. She thinks Pinky isn't feminine enough, but gives her a 7. Danny wants to see more from Pinky than hip-hop moves, but gives her a 7. That gives her an average score of 6.7 and after a weight loss of 2.6 pounds for a percentage of 1.41, her total score is 8.11. But then MJW has to make Pinky feel bad by saying that she's only lost 5 pounds since the competition began.
Drama Alicia goes . We all saw what she was up to this week, and yet, she still gets a pre-dance segment. Ugh. Alicia once again complains about the technical-ness of her routine and how this isn't all fun like she thought it would be. Well, if losing weight was fun, you would have already done it. Alicia claims that she's feeling better after her outburst, although I'm sure she'll do something similar week and the week after unless (please please please!) she goes home first. Alicia is dancing to "Last Dance" and her routine doesn't look any more technical than anyone else's, so whatever, Alicia. She seems to do well with it. Mayte wants her to work more on her core but liked it overall, except not really because she gives Alicia an adjective-less 6. Lisa liked Alicia's hustle (but let's be honest - Lisa just plain old loves The Hustle. She's said great things about every contestant's hustle so far) but thought the routine was "awkward." Then she gives Alicia a 4!!!! Oh no!!!! Lisa is going to get screamed at and thrown in the trash! Has anyone gotten a 4 yet in this series? Danny liked Alicia's energy and determination but little else, so he gives her a 6. Damn, Lisa hates Alicia this week. And thus, I like Lisa. But Lisa only loves the hustle, so we can never be. Alicia's average dance score is a 5.3, and her hissyfit only burned off 2.8 pounds for a percentage of 1.12. Oh snap! That's just 6.42 total! So last place! And here come the tears.
Quickly, we move onto the contestant: Trice. Last week, I was confused when she said she was from Englewood and Chicago, but it turns out that Englewood is a section of Chicago, so it actually made sense after all. Trice came into this week still marveling over her huge 11 pound weight loss and hoping to lose more this week. She's dancing to "I Love The Night Life." Her dance partner gave her a variety of moves and she executes them well and with awesome energy, so she shouldn't have any problems this week. Sure enough, Mayte loved it all, but not enough to give her a 9 or a 10. Just an 8. Lisa wants more connection with Trice and her partner and clearly took some cranky pills, so Trice just gets a 6. Danny is pleased that Trice took his advice last week and gives her an 8. So the professional dance people gave Trice an 8 but Lisa gave her a 6. Whatevs, Lisa. Trice has a 7.3 average combined with a percentage weight loss of 1.02, losing 2.7 pounds. Her total is 8.32. She celebrates with an awesome solo dance.
We're down to the final three. Whoever dances , therefore, is not in the dreaded bottom two. And it's Tara, which means Brandon has sucked at weight loss two weeks in a row. Shameful. Tara had a bad week because she twisted her knee during rehearsal. That's not the bad part -- the bad part is she had to go to Dr. H for it. Tara is worried because she was not able to get in all the practice time she wanted due to her injury, but Dr. H gave her his very special, and probably not in the patient's best interests, approval to perform tonight. Hopefully, his medical opinion has improved since last season on The Biggest Loser when poor Laura was walking across tightropes and running half-marathons with a freaking hip fracture. Tara gets to dance to "Brick House," so that's awesome. But why hasn't anyone done "Knock on Wood?" That song is the greatest. Tara's routine incorporates the booty bump, so it should get high scores just for that. Hopefully her partner Michael threw in a few hustles to keep Lisa happy. Tara seems to do a good job despite her knee. Mayte gives her a 7 and praises her courage. Lisa is also proud of Tara, but someone peed in her cornflakes, so Tara gets a lowly 5. Why is Lisa so mean now? Danny didn't like Tara's routine, which isn't really her fault, and gives her a 5. Tara's average is 5.7 and her percentage is 1.63 from a weight loss of 3.8 pounds. Tara is very happy with her 7.33 total because it's still higher than Alicia. Alicia sobs because she was probably praying that Tara's injury would take her out of contention and keep Alicia around another week. Ha! Tara is a trooper.
So Warren and Brandon are in the bottom two. And both are giant men who should lose this weight easier than anyone. Disgraceful! Warren goes first. He says he's doing more exercise than he's ever done in his life, which isn't a surprise to anyone, I'm sure. And his dance partner, Sarah, is a hard-ass. They'll be dancing to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy." Warren puts his all into it and seems to have a harder routine than last week, so that should hopefully work in his favor. Mayte thinks Warren lost some of his energy as the routine went on. Lisa thought Warren was too obviously trying to remember his routine and "got lost" in the middle of it. So she'll probably give him a 2. Or an 8. You really never know with Lisa. Anyway, I have no idea if he really did get lost, since they cut away during that part of the routine to something non-dance-related for some strange reason. Danny liked Warren's dedication and energy, but not much else. Warren heads over to the scale. He lost 3.1 pounds, which is just 0.9 percent. He still looks impressed with the number though, probably because it's still much more than he's used to seeing.
And finally, Brandon. He claims he wanted to step up this week after being in the bottom two last week, but we now know that he totally didn't. He isn't a fan of disco, but his dance partner Yesenia is determined to make him do lifts. She's brave or has a death wish. They're dancing to "That's The Way (I Like It)," and Brandon's afro is the way I like it. And he's pretty good tonight despite his pre-dance reservations. He even does a cartwheel! Go Brandon! And then he finishes with Yesenia hanging upside down with her crotch in his face, which has a big ol' smirk on it. Awesome. Mayte says she was nervous in the beginning, but then Brandon impressed her. Lisa says that disco is indeed Brandon's style, but she's annoyed with him for being in the bottom two for two weeks in a row. Brandon says he's eating enough vegetables but needs to get better with the fruits. And possibly also ease up on the Cheat cabinet. Danny says that Brandon only started to perform halfway through the routine, but it was great when he did. And it was! I think Brandon was my favorite this week. He takes the scale. He lost just 1.5 pounds, for a percentage of 0.66, the lowest of anyone in the competition. But it's better than gaining weight, I guess. MJW tells Brandon to be hopeful, because his dancing scores might be good enough to keep him here. Then she tells Alicia not to think she's out of the woods yet, because both Warren and Brandon could beat her. Cut to Alicia, still sobbing with her mouth open.
Back from break, they really shouldn't have MJW stand to the contestants in the same shot, because the only reason why she looks thinner than them is because she's wearing a heavy-duty corset under her dress, which she shouldn't because it's doing weird things to her shoulders. It's time to reveal the judge's scores. Brandon's are read first, which most likely means that he did well enough to rise far up from the bottom two and it's really between Warren and Alicia. Brandon gets a 7 from Mayte and Lisa and an 8 from Danny, who always knows what's up. That gives him an average of 7.3 and a total of 7.96, which puts him all the way up to seventh place. Please lose some more weight week and deserve this, Brandon.
Alicia is sobbing her ass off as she goes against Warren. He needs at least a 5.7 to stay another week. Mayte gave him a 5. Danny gave him a 6. Which means it's up to Lisa, somehow, to say whether he stays or not even though she's always the second judge to give her score. Way to give yourself the big drama moment, Executive Producer. She talks about how hard this decision is and gives both contestants props and now she's crying like Alicia except that Lisa is an actress, so who knows if they're real. "Alicia, I have bad news," she starts, and I love Lisa!! But then she continues: "you're gonna have to stick around week." She gave Warren a 4. NOOOOO! Now I hate Lisa! But she was being honest. That really was bad news. Alicia bawls her ass off and Warren has to comfort her even though he's the one leaving. He says he's proud of himself and he definitely lost weight, so he's happy. Don't be too happy, Warren! You still have a lot more to go and you seem like a fun guy and you have a family to live for, so please do.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.