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After last week's revelations that Walter Kendrick is a lying liar who lies and is kind of a dick, too, when the Board at Ultima National Resources brings in a Number Two, Claire sees an angle to oust Walter Kendrick from his post. She tries hard to maneuver Number Two to take the reins himself and then pits Kendrick against him, so she can take the company for herself. After a few calculated moves and thinking she has the Board's backing to take the helm of UNR, Claire walks right into Kendrick's trap. Turns out that Kendrick (and probably UNR as a whole) is a giant pervert who got his jollies watching Claire get it on with Daniel Purcell and is now firing her for her trouble. Since the vengeance demons are busy, Claire goes to Patty and offers to help rain fire and brimstone on Kendrick's balding head. I don't know about you, but I am so excited to see these two working together.
Patty and Phil are being profiled as a "power couple." Obviously the revelation that Phil is a cheating cheater who cheats has to come out before the New York Style Magazine article can be released. Don't they know about the New York Style Magazine curse? Ellen spies Phil in a hotel lobby with a little lady who isn't Patty at all. Since Ellen is hell bent on revenge, she can't help but figure out a way to break the news to Patty that her husband is a dick, too. Noticing a theme here? With the help of the private investigator she has hired, she makes sure Patty gets some tell-tale pictures. The fall out isn't pretty and looks like Phil won't be Energy Secretary after all. Also, Patty knows it was Ellen. She knows and she wants her to stop being vindictive. Ellen recalls a lesson from '80s anti-drug ads: I learned it by watching you!
Patty's war on UNR keeps on keeping on. She wins a battle (and maybe the whole war) when her trusted team swipes the entire Cadillac from under their noses. Her mechanic is a bit suspicious about the new car's well-used GPS system.
Cheeseburger meets some guy from Calder Security about a problem with some fallout from the Frobisher case and how this fallout could possibly link him directly to the murder of "her fiancé." Aye yi yi! Does this mean his contract with T-Mobile will get cancelled? The guy tells Cheeseburger that as far as he is concerned Cheeseburger does not even exist, but you know that's not going to be enough for Cheeseburger. Meanwhile, the private investigator that Ellen hired has already figured out that Calder has a bunch of rogue secret operatives that do lots of dark and secret things for Calder Security and that they need to prove the secret operatives exist to start to prove who killed her fiancé. Hmm… maybe he should start his search in Ellen's bedroom.
Also, Agent Glenn rushes to the hotel room reporting that Ellen shot Patty Hewes.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!As Ellen enters her hotel, she sees Phil and a woman pretending to make separate exits. Ellen may be a crap actor who can barely hold up the weight of her own head, but even she managed to put two and two together and not fall over. Phil covers fairly well when Ellen goes to greet him, but it's too late. Ellen calls the FBI agents, er, agent. I miss Mario Van Peebles already. Are we 100% sure he didn't fake his death? Why did Agent Glenn have to live? Why? Why?! Oh god why?! Ellen tells Agent Glenn her news. He suggests that since Ellen doesn't know how Patty will react to the news that she should just sit on it for now and keep it for some rainy day when she feels like ruining Patty's life. When Agent Glenn suggests doing nothing with the juicy tidbit, Ellen makes a face like Agent Glenn cut one in the room. Fake fart face may be her finest acting to date.
Claire Maddox is wearing extremely puffy sleeves. Actually they are just puffy at the bottom. It's kind of pirate-y. She is playing fake nice with Walter Kendrick who is getting choked up over signing some papers to create a library in his illiterate grandfather's honor. She pats him on the back and before she leaves she offers up a monotone apology for questioning him and his business. She claims she only wanted to protect him. He apologizes too, for overreacting. Claire reassures him that she trusts his leadership of UNR. Kendrick nods, he knows that.
Tom debriefs Ellen on the fact that Patty has granted her first personal interview in over a decade to the hauntingly familiarly title magazine called New York Style. Sounds like a mag that was aiming for Vanity Fair and ended up at Life & Style, which makes me kind of sad for Patty that she has sunk to these depths. I bet last season's Patty would have got the real New York Magazine. The magazine is doing a profile of Patty and Phil as New York's elite power couple. Oh that explains Phil's philandering within the city limits: it's the curse of the public profile. You declare you're in love in the pages of People magazine or that you're the happiest couple ever in US Weekly and you are doomed. Doomed! Tom warns Ellen that Patty granted the magazine full access and so Ellen better prep her glowing remarks. Ellen looks confused that anyone would want to talk to her and, well, I agree. Cut to the reporter interviewing Tom about balancing the pressure of a high profile job and a family life. Tom goes on and on about Patty's grace and equanimity and her mothering skills. He manages not show his profile so the reporter can't see that his nose has grown six inches. The reporter asks if Patty has any flaws and when Tom asks it to be off the record, the reporter makes a great show of turning off her recorder. Tom leans in and reports that Patty has no flaws, not a one. His nose knocks the reporter off her chair.
Ellen stops by Patty's apartment to drop off some papers and it just happens to be when the photo shoot is happening. Sure, sure Ellen, the papers just had to be delivered right then. Phil and Patty are getting their make up touched up and Ellen jokes with Phil, who bolts from Ellen's incriminating presence as soon as possible. The reporter obviously wants to speak with Ellen and Patty encourages it because Ellen knows all her secrets. Ellen can't help but make a serious WTF at that, but the reporter doesn't notice. Aw, that's nice that New York Style Magazine hires the visually impaired! As the photographer shoots and Patty and Phil pose, Ellen looks a little sick to her stomach. You know she's going to tell Patty despite Agent Glenn's suggestion. Besides, who takes advice from Agent Glenn?
Ellen boldly opens Patty's weird rattan office door (did she buy it at Pier 1?) and she is so evilly glarey that her eyes are about two feet in front of her. She stomps towards Patty's desk demanding to know why she shut down her investigation of Frobisher. Without looking up Patty coldly asks whether someone invited Ellen into her office. Man, even the top of Patty's head can out act Rose Byrne. I don't remember Ellen being quite this bad last season -- did she catch her inability to act from Nicolas Cage? Of course I wasn't recapping this last season so maybe I was more easily able to ignore it. Anyway. Ellen barks that Patty's investigator refuses to look into the links between Calder Security and Frobisher and Patty shrugs. She pulled the plug on the investigation because, as Ellen should remember, they are under federal investigation and she is in no way going to draw attention to the Frobisher case. Ellen huffs and puffs and Patty, like, rises up and towers over Ellen and spews flames out of her eyes as she tells Ellen that they are at war with UNR and the FBI is investigating her and if Ellen doesn't like it she can just quit. Ellen turns on her heel like a petulant tween and stomps out still glaring.
Ellen is hiring a private investigator, one Mr. Wilcox. She ran a background check on him and is impressed with the fact that he never worked for Patty Hewes, his time in the military, as well as his experience and use of industrial strength hair products. The two combined create some pretty unique MacGuyver-esque possibilities. Mr. Wilcox wants to know why someone so young can sing the words so sad (yay Smiths' lyrics successfully worked in!). Kids her age don't usually hire private investigators with hair product experience, especially ones who have connections via their high-powered law firms. Ellen explains that it is a private matter involving a dead fiancé, a culprit she can't quite prove did it, and a need to bring down her boss, preferably with a bad hair day gone deadly.
Claire Maddox and Daniel Purcell appear to be back on as a hot item. (Recently spotted canoodling at a hot Manhattan hotel complete with built in surveillance cameras!) Purcell brings her some scotch to help dull the pain of her Kendrick-inspired headache. As Claire bitches about her discovery that Kendrick was simply using her to cover his dirty deeds, Purcell shakes his head knowingly. He encourages Claire just to resign, because that is the only way she will get away from Kendrick, but she's devoted twenty years to UNR and doesn't want to walk away. No, not even so she and Purcell can figure out what is going on between them. As Claire schemes and dreams of ousting Kendrick from UNR and taking the helm herself, Purcell quietly rubs his head in advance of the migraine. Besides, she can't ignore the fact that UNR is poisoning West Virginia. She has to do something, but her hands are tied, especially since UNR's Board just brought in a new second in command. An idea bubble pops over her head and she looks a little hopeful.
Walter Kendrick walks into one of UNR's conference rooms and finds creepy creepazoid henchman Darrell Hammond sitting and waiting for him. Darrell Hammond is always dressed like he just walked off the golf course. Light blue v-neck sweater, light blue button up, creepy smile. He is sitting at the head of the table and Kendrick calls him on it. Darrell Hammond loves his job, but is empowered to sit at the head of the table by the contents of an envelope. He slides it over to Kendrick, who doesn't open it. Darrell Hammond asks for more coordinates, but Kendrick is done with that. He wants Darrell to chop up the car into pieces (they would do that to a Cadillac? What is wrong with these people?) and drop it in the East River. Did Cadillac get to review this script before they paid for the product placement? Darrell Hammond gets up to leave and I am struck by how incredibly creepy he is. I don't know the man, but I really hope he is a great actor, because if not, if he is really like this, umm... yikes.
Cut to the Cadillac. It is being staked out by one of Patty's guys. He is getting kind of bored watching a parked car and finally decides to act. He calls Patty who is getting into bed to Phil the Philanderer. After Patty ascertains that no one has gone near the car in days, she tells him "he knows what to do." As Patty hangs up and wanders off, Phil tells her that he ran into Ellen because he had a meeting at her hotel. Nice cover there Phil, unfortunately Patty's not listening. Although I am sure she'll recall the conversation later.
Patty is back to making nice with Ellen. Sort of. As Ellen caffeinates, Patty grills her (almost subtly) about running into Phil at her hotel. Ellen tries to make small talk, but Patty just wanted the information about Phil. As she walks off, Ellen stops her. She wants to apologize for yelling at her about the Frobisher-Calder Security connection. She crossed a line. Patty reminds her that they have talked about her temper before and she is sorry that Ellen hasn't gotten a hold of it yet. She walks off and Ellen yells after her, "I said I was sorry!" Ever the petulant tween. Patty replies, "I know," and keeps walking. Does Patty still view Ellen as the daughter-she-never-had? Is that why she puts up with these weird temper tantrums and snotty replies? I mean look at the son she raised. I guess her fake daughter would be no different.
Claire calls a meeting with the new number two at UNR, a man they seem to be calling Mitch McConnell. But, that seems wrong. Yet also very right. Claire is playing with the big boys when she calls an emergency meeting and confesses that she is losing her faith in Walter Kendrick. She tells Mitch that Kendrick is going to lose the shareholder suit against Patty Hewes— That he's already offered her a $50 million settlement that was turned down. She doesn't want to see Kendrick run the company off a cliff. Mitch looks concerned that it could come that. Claire reminds him that, as the new number two, he could arrange a change of leadership. He looks intrigued. Claire tells him that if he can get the votes on the Board, she will back his play to take the lead at UNR. He promises to be discreet. Claire, however, goes straight to Kendrick to report. She tells him that Mitch told her the Board has lost confidence in his ability to lead UNR. He scoffs that the earnings statement will change their mind. Claire tells him that Mitch is looking to oust him and he better meet the challenge head on. If Mitch was bold enough to come to her with the proposal he probably already has the votes he needs to take over the CEO job. Kendrick thanks her for the crappy news and looks concerned. As much as I love Claire, her acting like she's acting (know what I mean?) is ripped straight out of some Tennessee Williams stage production. Way too over the top on the pronunciation and not-so-subtle gestures. Also, why do I think this is going to backfire?
Mr. Cheeseburger is going for a meeting with a man in a suit who is played by that guy who is almost always cast as a loveable angry dad who is overwhelmed by his kids. I would try to look him up even though I have no idea where to start (angry dad films? not-quite Disney films? straight-to-DVD family movies?) but I can't because freaking Verizon internet service seriously sucks, like, I live in New York City in a neighborhood that is majority work-at-home freelancers, you may not want to screw up this market this badly, idiots, and two, I have no idea what his name is. Ooh that is going to bother me. Mr. Cheeseburger takes him into an alley and tells him the problem with Ellen. In short, he can't live with her (because she may be able to tie him to Frobisher and her fiance's death) and he can't kill her (because that could be even messier). The man in the suit could not care less about this little problem because it does not exist. In fact, according to Calder Security, Mr. Cheeseburger does not exist. He tells Cheeseburger to clean up his own mess, pats him on the chest and walks off. It's like the corporate equivalent of sticking his head in the sand. Well, sand that doesn't exist. It's sort of nice to see the bully Cheeseburger put in his place for once. I almost expected him to threaten the Calder rep, but when your boss tells you you don't exist, what can you say about that? Looks like Cheeseburger is on the low self esteem express!
Ellen's private investigator hands her a report on Calder Security. Know whose face is on the stationary? The Hey-It's-That-Guy! overwrought dad. According to Mr. Wilcox, Calder Security has extensive connections to military, black ops, Jack Bauer, Wolverine, and the Bristows. Also, the cops and someone higher up in the force. Ellen wants to take them all down, but Mr. Wilcox knows these guys are professionals and doesn't think they will be able to find any connection to Frobisher. Ellen wants him to try anyway. All her money is at his disposal. Okay, we know Ellen got some huge bonus at the end of the Frobisher trial, but her hotel suite is what? $300 night? If you figure she has some weekly rate? And her personal hairstylist is what? $100 a day? Student loans are probably $1,000 a month. NYC lawyers tend to make in the $175, 000 range in their second year. Well, she doesn't eat, so that probably helps. Before he goes, Mr. Wilcox hands Ellen an envelope and the words, "You were right." Ellen takes out the pictures and gawks at them. I bet it's that picture of the guy who put his kitten in a bong. Those pictures are freaky.
The day in the office, Ellen slips an envelope into the mail delivery cart. Then she stops by Patty's office for a chat and Patty tells her that the reporter would like to interview her for the Patty and Phil show. Ellen looks fake humble like she really wants to say "Moi?" and then agrees to do it. But she is dying to know how Patty and Phil make it work. As Patty blissfully tells Ellen the secret to a long marriage, the new mail delivery guy (who is no Uncle Pete), drops off a FedEx envelope for Patty, which she opens while she is talking. Obviously it's pictures of Phil kissing another woman. The same woman he kissed in London and at Ellen's hotel. So, at least he's consistent. Patty doesn't say anything for a long time and Ellen fake asks her what could be the problem. Patty claims it is nothing and she has to get back to work. Ellen smiles to herself as she gets up to go.
Ellen goes straight from sabotaging Patty's marriage, I mean, opening her very dear friend's eyes to her troubled relationship, to talking to the reporter about Patty and Phil. The reporter asks Ellen what she thinks about the marriage, which is a pretty far-fetched thing for a reporter to ask an underling. So when Ellen delivers her Patty and Phil are the happiest couple on the planet line followed up with Patty has taught me valuable lessons about what it means to be a woman, nay, a human, it really is exactly what the reporter deserves. Remind me not to subscribe to New York Style Magazine and I may as well cancel my subscription to New York Magazine and The New Yorker too, just to be sure.
Senator Mitch McConnell walks right into Walter Kendrick's raging fists of fury. Kendrick calls him out on his plans to oust him and when Mitch denies it, Kendrick plays rough. He tells Mitch that if he really wants to get the Board to vote on him he will tell the FCC how Mitch made his first million. I assume it had something to do with planning Janet Jackson's nipple exposure at just the right time for a V-chip trade. These rich guys make money in the wackiest ways! Mitch gets in Kendrick's face and tells him that if he goes down, Kendrick is going down too. Kendrick assures him that he is prepared to lose it all.
Speaking of losing it all, has Darrell Hammond lost his freaking mind? Is he wearing eyeliner and an ascot? Oh no that's just a brightly-hued collared shirt and a v-neck that create a very ascot-like effect. I'm pretty sure I'm right about the guyliner though. Yeesh. Darrell Hammond looks shocked (and pudgy) as he turns in a circle in the middle of the street. He looks left and right and up and down and nope, the Cadillac is definitely not there. He pulls out his phone and makes a call. Cut to a garage where Patty (in jeans! How very Pimp My Ride), Tom, Ellen, and her private investigator listen to the mechanic's report on the Cadillac. The car is brand new with only a few miles on the odometer. The only thing that is weird is that the GPS has a lot of entries. And the entries aren't for actual destinations. Patty immediately puts it together: they are using the GPS to pass information to the energy trader. This scene is funny because Patty says one line, then Tom has a line, then Ellen has a line, and then the private investigator has a line. The camera shifts from one to the , but there is no interaction between the players. The mechanic agrees to pull all the information out of the hacked GPS.
Mitch McConnell breaks the news to Claire gently: He is going back to the Senate. He just doesn't have the stomach to go toe-to-toe with Walter Kendrick. He'd rather face down that bitch Harry Reid any day. Compared to UNR the Senate Finance Committee in an economic meltdown is a field day complete with a three-legged race and potato salad. Mitch admits that Kendrick and his threats are just too much for him, but if Claire wants it, he'll back her move. Claire pretends she is not interested (and that this isn't what she had planned all along) and then she leans close and asks if the Board would vote for her. He swears they love her.
Patty's private investigator gives Patty the 411 on Phil's little sweetie. She works for the London branch of Phil's firm and Patty sighs, "London, of course." Whoever picks the titles for these episodes does a nice job of it. I will admit to a certain dorky interest in figuring out where the line came from. The PI hands Patty a stack of Phil's financial records and then gives Patty the lowdown: the pictures are copies and where there are copies there are originals. This most likely means blackmail. Patty doesn't need him to remind her of the implications of that. She also doesn't need him to remind her that whoever did this really wanted to hurt her. As he asks who might want to hurt her, there is a tear in Patty's eye as she smirks and laughs hollowly.
Patty's annoying son and his ancient girlfriend Mary Kay Letourneau are sitting in her gallery drinking (hello endangerment of a minor!) and talking. Mary Kay tells him that his mom stopped by and he is surprised, but more surprised when Mary Kay says that she is working through her abandonment issues. Michael almost looks too eager, like this relationship with the MILF is just attention-seeking behavior after all. He then laughs that his mom doesn't have to worry about losing him to college, because he never applied. Ha ha! Mary Kay gives him a look as if maybe she is realizing she is going to have to hang around this annoying teenage loser forever while he works his way through his trust fund and takes up a drug-and-model habit. Back at the Hewes residence, Phil is laughingly giving Michael relationship advice. Patty devoutedly ignores him. Michael swears that he just loves Mary Kay's live-in-the-moment attitude, which is almost as annoying as her near-pedophilia. Phil tells him they don't want him to get hurt and to remember to be respectful to women. Patty almost chokes on her wine at that, but manages to hold herself together long enough to smile that Michael will be heading off to college soon.
Claire tells Daniel Purcell that she is very excited about taking over UNR and starting over with a clean slate. Purcell congratulates her on the win, but warns her to be prepared for people to come out of the woodwork with their own agendas as soon as she is in charge. She asks him to manage the Aricite clean up and he agrees. William Hurt has been so blah these last few episodes. It's like he was attacked by personality-sucking leeches. I mean I have seen gym socks exuding more verve than he's been showing lately. Drink some coffee already, you're on national television! Wake up! Over at the office, Claire struts down the hallway towards the Board meeting as if she was still in the running to be America's Top Model. She walks into a conference room and the smile falls from her face. The room is empty. Except for Walter Kendrick. When she asks where everyone is he starts talking about how he picked the wood for the conference room table. Claire is really not interested. She gets more interested when Kendrick tells her that it is over. An hour ago the Board voted to fire her. Why? Because she had an improper relationship with a UNR contractor. Who? Daniel Purcell. As the now ex-legal counsel, Claire should know that such behavior violates UNR's code of legal ethics. She demands to know whether Purcell told him, which shows almost the right level of suspicious reasoning, but Kendrick doesn't say. Claire looks stunned as Kendrick kicks her out. He tells her he sent a parting gift. At home, it's not an Edible Arrangement of a giant hand flipping her the bird, but a DVD. It's a recording of her and Daniel Purcell getting it on. Yech.
Claire does what any sane person would do in such a situation: run to Patty Hewes. Patty happily receives Claire Maddox and all her insight. The two tough cookies sit on the couch in Patty's office, sipping scotch, while Claire tells her that everything she suspects of Walter Kendrick is true. But nothing Claire can tell her will be useful, because it is privileged. Obviously that was for us, the viewing audience, because Patty knows attorney-client privilege quite well, thank you. Kendrick plays dirty and it will take someone like Patty Hewes to bring him down. Claire has watched her career and while she doesn't approve of the way Patty does business, she gets it. Now Patty has to use her powers for good and get Walter Kendrick. Claire adds that she was as surprised as Patty that Daniel Purcell flipped on the stand. She knows Patty doesn't trust him, but she should. He really wants to do the right thing. Now. Hmm, I think there is a multi-million dollar offshore bank account that says differently, Claire. Patty watches Claire as she puts down her drink and leaves the office. I really hope Claire wasn't brought down that easily. I really hope there is something else cooking for her.
Ellen and Katie eat dinner together and Ellen tells her that she is done relying on Patty. She hired her own investigator. Further discussion is put on hold when a breathless Tom calls and tells Ellen to turn on the news. The news is filled with pictures of Phil the Philanderer Grey shoving cameras out of his way as the newscaster gleefully announces that Phil had to withdraw his nomination for Energy Secretary after a series of pictures surfaced revealing his extramarital affair. Katie and Ellen gawp at the screen. Katie asks Ellen if she leaked the pictures and Ellen denies it. Patty must have done it herself.
Ellen slowly opens the door to Patty's dark apartment. Why the fuck would she go over there? Ellen calls for Patty and Patty is upstairs. Ellen looks trepidacious as she heads upstairs into the lion's den. Patty is sitting in her pajamas on the bed surrounded by an explosion of clothing. She doesn't look up when Ellen comes in but explains that she was cleaning out her closet. She offers the clothes to Ellen, but then realizes Ellen won't want them. Ellen asks if Patty is alone and Patty flatly responds that Phil is at a hotel and Michael is with his "geriatric girlfriend" which is the funniest line all season. Patty still won't look up or make eye contact with Ellen. Ellen tries to console Patty about the shock of the affair, but Patty isn't shocked over the affair -- she's shocked that Phil got sloppy. She then looks at Ellen through the veil of her hair and wonders whether she should thank her for sending the photos. She could have been trying to protect her. Or she could have been feeling vindictive. Patty thinks it was vindictive. She really wants Ellen to learn to let things roll off her back. Ellen doesn't say anything during this drunken diatribe of Patty's that doesn't sound angry so much as resigned and sad. Ellen then asks why Patty leaked the pictures to the press, but Patty brushes it off as private. Ellen scoffs that it is hard to just let things roll off your back, but Patty doesn't really respond. Ellen then demands to know why she is there (girl, I was asking myself the same question) and Patty says that she wanted her to know that things will be required of them. The war against UNR is going to get ugly and she just wanted Ellen to know. As Patty sits drunk and depressed and crushed in bed, Ellen looks suddenly sad as she softly and almost sweetly tells Patty that maybe they are both the vindictive sort.
One month later Ellen shoots Patty, Patty collapses bloodied in the elevator. Agent Glenn rushes in and arrests her. Ellen looks surprised as Agent Glenn handcuffs her and takes her in.
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