Ellen and Wes meet in a statue. Really. Like, how do you set up that meeting? "Meet me in the statue on 82nd and Madison. No, not to it. In it." Wes sits on one side of the bench in the statue and Ellen sits as far as possible from him, but still inside the statue. Which does not bode well for their post-coital relationship. Ellen thanks him for meeting her and apologizes for showing up at his door, kissing him until he took her seriously, and then leaving without saying goodbye. What is she apologizing for? Sounds like she is every guy's dream date. Wes knows the situation is complicated what with both of them coming out of relationships with the dearly departed. I wonder if Wes's dead girlfriend is visiting him and commenting on his overactive work ethic. Oh wait... he made her up. So he's free to bone away with boney Ellen all he wants. He invites Ellen up to his "buddy's cabin" to get away for the weekend. Ah yes, all the better to kill you with. C'mon, Wes, even Ellen is too smart to go to a lonely cabin in the woods with a guy with a gun collection and fifty pounds of emotional baggage. Oh and a mandate to kill her. She wants to take some time to think things through. He tells her to take as much time as she needs and sighs sort of wistfully. It seems genuine, but it could be because he really preferred to kill her out in the fresh country air.
Intrepid FBI agents Mario Van Peebles and Agent Glenn are reading all the Bureau's files they can find on Patty Hewes. They are trying to unravel the mystery of the missing case file. If only they had a quarter to hire Encyclopedia Brown. You know he could solve that shit before recess ended. Agent Glenn notices that despite the best efforts of the Bureau, they've never been able to find anything incriminating on Patty. MVP points out that they dropped the ball on the infant mortality bait case that they were going to use to entrap Tom, but Agent Glenn disagrees: He thinks somebody tipped Tom off. Further discussion is interrupted when Agent Glenn's phone rings. He claims it is "Pam" his soon-to-be ex-wife, but the voice on the phone is distinctly male. So either Pam is rather husky voiced for a lady or Agent Glenn is taking orders from someone else. Agent Glenn and this man set up a time to meet and hang up quickly with Agent Glenn muttering a quick "bitch" to lend credence to his cover. MVP is worried for his partner -- his divorce case is dragging on too long and he needs to take his life back. MVP stares so intently into Agent Glenn's eyes while he talks and his eyes are such limpid pools of sincerity. There is no way that Agent Glenn can't not listen. Also, Agent Glenn is living at MVP's, which can't be good for their relationship. Six months later, Ellen is holding Patty hostage in a hotel room. Turns out Agent Glenn is monitoring the situation from a surveillance van. Which is interesting. When Ellen tells the crying Patty that she lied too, picks up the gun and fires, Agent Glenn stared in horror and then bolted out of the van and into the daylight. Where's MVP? Intriguing.
Ellen and the FBI agents have a brainstorming session. I just can't get over the seeming stupidity of these two well-trained FBI agents wanting to take pointers on their non-case from a twenty-something with a chip on her shoulder. Shouldn't they be wiretapping Patty's phone, reading her emails, tracking her every move? Don't they know what federal agencies are capable of? Haven't they seen even a single episode of 24? MVP asks Ellen about the ongoing case against UNR. Ellen explains that Patty is representing the shareholders in a class action suit, but it doesn't really interest her. She is more concerned with the massive fraud that Walter Kendrick is perpetuating and his manipulation of the stock prices. Instead of getting all over that juicy criminal tidbit like dog hair on a black sweater, MVP blasély asks whether Patty can prove it. Ellen says no, but that's good because soon she'll start to get desperate.
It's awkward dinner time at the Hewes household. Patty and her annoying teenage son and Phil of the overly-coiffed head chit chat about Phil's nomination for Energy Secretary. Patty scoffs at her son's congratulatory words because Phil still has to be vetted. Hope you remembered to pay the taxes on that hooker! Patty then asks her son about when college acceptance letters might be showing up. I know she is busy, but it also seems like she is trying to be a good mother, so why doesn't she know any of this stuff? Can't she just have her secretary put it on her Outlook or something? Her son (okay, I'll admit I can't remember his name right now. I just got back from vacation so you'll have to excuse the lapse, but this show is also really crap about reminding its audience of names. For example, Mr. Cheeseburger. I have no idea what his name is. I'm sure I could go look it up, but the show could also, you know, tell me.) Anyway ingrate son mumbles about his Harvard letter being in the mail and shut up already. Patty then asks about his new girlfriend and when they get to meet her (see she is trying) and he says they can meet her when he knows they are serious. Phil raises an eyebrow, but it could be just an attempt to draw attention to himself, because he is still more or less wallpaper. The over-privileged brat announces that he might be ready to bring his girlfriend home. Phil sets the date for Friday. There is something about the way that the son says it that the girl he is bringing home is either going to be: a guy, his friend's MILF, or Claire Maddox.
Oh god. Walter Kendrick is in the bathroom again. Please don't smash anyone's head into a urinal today, I just can't stomach it. Lester a.k.a. Dave comes out of the other stall um... wow. Parallel pooping. They must be good friends. Kendrick asks if they have a new energy secretary yet and Lester stifles a giggle as he tells him it is Phil Gray. Kendrick looks horrified at the possibility of Patty's husband becoming Energy Secretary and Lester giggles that he thought it would be in their best interest to add some family drama to the Hewes household. Kendrick giggles at the audacity, but stops laughing as soon as Lester tells him to settle the lawsuit ASAP. Kendrick refuses to back down, but he is totally Lester's bitch. Outside the bathroom, there's a party going on, which appears to be in honor of Claire Maddox's 20 years at the firm. Kendrick toasts her very warmly, everyone claps, and then it's her turn. She chokes up as she talks about how much she loves the company despite its murderous, profit uber allis, environment-killing ways. She takes a moment to thank Kendrick for believing in her. As everyone claps, an older man comes up to say goodbye. It's her father and he is unimpressed with his daughter's party and with Walter Kendrick. Claire looks sad as Kendrick pulls her aside for a bit of business. He wants her to settle the suit. She protests because the stock price is going up and the suit no longer has any merit. Kendrick points out that he made "his" decision and leaves it at that. If Claire is right and the stock price is rebounding wouldn't it look a tetch suspicious if Kendrick just throws $50 million at it to make it go away? As Kendrick walks away, Claire looks like she is putting some pieces together.
So I know you were all dying to know about Patty's son's girlfriend right? I mean that question first popped up in episode one and then all the, you know, all that filler about Daniel Purcell and UNR and murderous plots and the Cheeseburger thing got in the way and it was like the writers completely forgot to answer the most important question of this entire show: Who is dating Patty's son? Like the presence of the polar bears on the Island in Lost. It took them, like, four seasons to explain that. But you know what? After years of fans berating them for an answer, the writers are finally introducing who Patty's aggravatingly mush-mouthed teenage son is dating! Whee! So who is it? It's a girl! A punk rock girl! With loads of black eyeliner, pink streaks in her hair, and a leather jacket! She has a potty mouth, a neck tattoo, multiple piercings and a spunky attitude. Perfect for Little Lord Assface. The icing on the cake? She works in a gallery. Oh the shame! Oh the humanity! How will Phil ever become Energy Secretary with this new skeleton in his closet?
Our beloved co-habitating FBI agents are headed out to work when Agent Glenn has to run upstairs because he forgot his ID. As soon as he heads up, his forgotten phone starts to vibrate. MVP goes to check it out (they do live together so I guess they can answer each others' phones. I'm not sure though. Does Emily Post have a ruling on this?) When MVP sees that it is "Pam" calling he decides to take matters into his own hands. He answers and tells Pam to leave poor Agent Glenn alone especially since she was the one who left him. MVP gets a big surprise when the voice on the line is male. Uh oh, Agent Glenn's been lying to his BFF.
Ellen's mom is visiting her daughter's hotel room and can't help but make the bed despite the fact that it is a hotel and has maids for that sort of thing. Ellen's mom makes some remarks about how it is embarrassing that she doesn't know what case Ellen is working on and can't tell her friends at the grocery store. Ellen tells her that work is work, so her mom starts on how she is doing and Ellen freaks out while claiming that she is okay. Her mom stops her and looks her in the eyes and tells her that lies make baby Jesus cry. As her mother she knows when she is hurting. Ellen doesn't say anything. Patty is sitting in her office when Ellen knocks on the door. Patty yells at her for being late. Again. When Ellen explains that she was having breakfast with her mother, Patty tells her to "live her life on her own time", which I'm pretty sure didn't make the short list for Successories posters. As Ellen tersely smiles and turns away, Patty stops her and asks about her relationship with her mother. Um, Patty? Remember that medication we discussed? Well I think it might be time to revisit the subject. Ellen turns around with a serious WTF face as Patty tells her that she can always talk to her. Ellen shakes her head and heads to her office only to be stopped again by Patty who calls her back and tells her to shut the door. At first I think she is going to ream Ellen for her snotty looks and eye rolls, but instead she asks her if she knows anything about her son's new girlfriend. Michael. His name is Michael. Thanks show! Ellen doesn't know anything and Patty asks when she introduced David to her parents. Ellen smiles that it was easy because David was every parent's dream what with being all pre-med and preppy. Patty looks grim. This better have something to do with UNR or I am going to be extremely annoyed at having to recap stupid Michael's stupid prep school rebellion with a stupid girl. Seriously.
UGH!!! Phil and Patty are at dinner guessing what Michael is bringing to dinner. Patty laughs that if there is one tattoo or piercing she is walking out. Oh, better trade your sensible pumps for some Reeboks, Patty! Michael rounds the corner just then and they are hiding the girl, so I am thinking we are in for a surprise of some sort. Sure enough the girl Michael introduces isn't Punk Rock Girl, but is the owner of the gallery. She is pretty, brunette, zero tattoos (although there is probably a tramp stamp lurking under her sensibly conservative dress) and seriously older than Michael. Patty starts grilling her about her CV and when she admits that she taught at Columbia from 1988 to 1992, Patty just about gags. Patty looks at Michael and he sort of smirks. As Phil orders up another bottle of wine, Michael asks for four glasses. Patty coolly tells him no and reminds the table at large that he is only eighteen. Her face is a complete mask when she asks if Mary Kay Letourneau over there has any children. I laughed at that one.
Family Day on Damages continues with Claire Maddox and her father getting lunch. When she asks about his retirement, he asks about grandchildren. They argue about whether her mother was depressed and how he lived overseas and didn't know anything. When he pushes her she replies that she is the general counsel for one of the largest energy companies in the world and she is the only woman in the world with that job. He is unimpressed and asks her what she has to look forward to. At that she gives up, collects her things, thanks her dad for coming into town for her party, kisses him on the head and leaves him at the restaurant. Ah the plight of women. Is that the new theme for this show?
Agent Glenn is smoking on a rooftop. Oh sure, now you tell us that Agent Glenn is a smoker. Now we know he is a bad guy. MVP joins him on the roof and asks him when he started smoking. He makes some crack about getting a divorce and MVP calls him out. He knows that Agent Glenn hasn't spoken to Pam in months. All those phone calls were with some man. MVP wants to know what the hell is going on. Agent Glenn dithers a bit and MVP gets mad and demands to know who was on the damn phone. Agent Glenn comes clean: he doesn't know who the guy is. It is some guy who has an interest in the outcome of their investigation of Patty. The guy calls him and from time to time gives him money for an update. He justifies it as getting additional money for doing the same work. And he's broke and doesn't feel like he has a choice. He offers to cut MVP in or get him the same deal with the no-name guy. MVP asks again whether Mr. No-Name has sought any additional information or action or anything and Agent Glenn swears no. MVP looks torn.
Patty and her dickwad son have an awkward interaction over some oolong where Patty is pretending to act nice about her son's decrepit girlfriend while Michael stares through his hair with a half smirk waiting for his mom's head to explode. Why am I supposed to care about this plotline? I get enough of awkward family interactions over on Brothers & Sisters. I don't need it here, too. Mary Kay better turn out to be one of Finn Garrity's hoochies or Walter Kendrick's granddaughter or Rupert Murdoch is going to get a strongly worded letter from one ticked off recapper. Patty pretends to be thrilled that Michael trusted her to introduce his parents to this *cough* girl who is so important to him. She knows her parents wouldn't have understood. There is something so aggravating about her tone of liberal understanding, like, she is so much bigger than a mere age difference, she is open minded, and extremely proud of her open mindedness. I mean if Mary Kay was black on top of being older I think Patty would pee her pants with liberal open-minded glee. Like she has been waiting her whole life to get the chance to be so open minded! Did she ever mention that she marched on Washington? Michael chews his cud, sniffs her tea, and snorts that it's the wrong kind. I really hate that kid.
Against her will (and much better judgment) Claire Maddox sits in Patty's office and offers a settlement. The two smart, tough litigators sit across from each other feigning ease and, really, these two are fantastic actors and seeing them in a scene together just leaves you begging for more. I still have fantasies of these two teaming up and taking down Kendrick. Anyway, Claire offers a settlement and Patty wants a number. Claire won't give one because she thinks the whole offer and counteroffer debate is total yawnsville. She'd much rather go to court and she bets Patty would too. She knows Patty doesn't care about the shareholders. She cares about revenge for the embarrassment Daniel Purcell (who?) dished out on the witness stand. Claire understands that. But her boss doesn't. So Claire offered the settlement as instructed and now she is leaving. She gets up to go, but Patty stops her with a question: what was she doing representing a hooker? Claire looks a little surprised, but covers it beautifully with the legalese response that the girl needed a lawyer. Patty nods and then asks why Finn Garrity didn't need a lawyer? Claire has no idea who Finn Garrity is and Patty suggests she asks her boss. Then she tells Claire to triple the settlement number (whatever it is) and start from there.
Claire debriefs Kendrick on her meeting with Patty. Claire reports that Patty told her to triple the offer and Kendrick scoffs and tells her to wait 'til Patty makes a counteroffer. Claire shakes her head and tries to impress upon him the fact that Patty Hewes will not settle. She then asks about the prostitute and Kendrick shakes his head and says Patty can't hurt him with that. But when Claire mentions Finn Garrity, Kendrick noticeably blanches, but claims he is no one important. Claire figures out that something is up and demands to know who Finn Garrity is. She even threatens to resign unless Kendrick tells her what is going on. Kendrick annoyingly tells her not to be so emotional and blames the stress of her father's visit on her overwrought attitude. Like what an annoying and dismissive thing to say as if your lawyer demanding to know the truth behind a sticky situation you dragged her into is somehow being overly emotional. He may as well just ask if she's on the rag or something. Ugh. Just suck it, Kendrick! Oh was that too emotional? Sorry. Kendrick tells Claire that Finn is the son of a friend of his who got into trouble and he wanted Claire to get him out of it. If that was the case, if his name was already stricken from the police reports, why would they bother to defend the girl? Actually, that question still applies. Why defend the prostitute if Finn's name is already removed from the record? Claire is annoyed that Kendrick lied to her, but seems satisfied.
That's weird. Ellen messed up both sides of her bed before getting into it. She is distracted from her odd task by her phone. It's a voicemail from the village idiot, Katie. She leaves her a guilt-addled message about working too long and being lonely and a loser and come out and drink already! The guilt trip apparently did a number on Ellen's calorie-starved brain and soon the drinks do to! As she downs shots and beers (on a work night? After that tongue lashing Patty gave you this morning? You crazy, girlfriend.) she makes a heavy-lidded eye thing at some hirsute gentleman loitering too close to a dart board for personal safety. She downs one more shot (I guess it is spring break time) and makes her way over to the guy and harasses him drunk girl style for awhile and intimates that she might invite him back to her hotel room. You want that guy when you could have Wes? You really are drunk.
Claire finds Daniel Purcell and they hug awkwardly and formally. It was pretty much the perfect ex hug. They sit on separate couches and Claire tells Daniel that he needs his help. She tells him about the hooker and Finn Garrity and she knows he is being lied to. Daniel doesn't know the name, but when Claire tells him that Finn is a big time douche bag, I mean, energy trader, Daniel looks interested. He's been watching UNR since he "retired" and has noticed a pattern of blackouts. If someone inside UNR was purposefully planning those blackouts and was leaking the information to an energy trader someone could be making an awful lot of money. Why? Economics 101 don't you wish you weren't too hungover to make it to that 8 a.m. class? Would you have made an extra effort if you knew it would help you unravel pop culture later in life? So this has something to do with supply and demand. When UNR "accidentally" has blackouts, the price of energy goes up because demand exceeds the supply. If an energy trader knew when to time his buys so that he bought right before the black outs when the price was low and sold during or immediately after when the price was high, he would make a fortune. Claire puts her head in her hands and moans softly. Claire is in denial. She doesn't think Kendrick would take such a big risk. Daniel shakes his head and flashes back to Kendrick on the rooftop talking about their new partnership formed out of the ashes of Purcell's dead wife's body. Still not quite sure why Purcell would agree to her death, but whatever. For now. Daniel leans forward and decides to come clean with Claire. Mostly clean that is. He tells her that Aricite is toxic and Kendrick had the report doctored. He explains that he made a deal with Kendrick that he would clean up West Virginia and Aricite in exchange for the fabricated report. Strangely he leaves the whole part out about his wife's murder and his massive payoff. Claire buys his explanation. Maybe. Daniel tells her to ask Kendrick about Aricite. If he denies the toxicity, she'll know he can't be trusted. Claire looks like she's had it up to here. I am so excited that she is going to get more screen time as this all unravels.
A stinking drunk Ellen stumbles into her hotel room and heads straight for the bottle of Johnny Walker (red, cheapass) and offers her companion another drink. Luckily for everyone watching or involved, the other person in the room is Katie. She makes Ellen put down the bottle and sends her to bed. And it is a sad drunken day when Katie is the smart one. When Katie follows Ellen into her room with a bottle of water to stave off the impeding hangover, she finds Ellen huddled on her bed almost in tears. Actual tears would most likely be too much to handle for our little Aussie. Drunk Ellen mumbles about not being able to talk to anyone, not being able to handle her liquor (which isn't hard with fifty pounds of liquor in a forty pound body), and how she isn't really working for Patty Hewes. Katie has no idea what she is talking about but luckily Ellen passes out before she can spill the beans to blabber mouth Katie who would probably Facebook "OMG Ellen's a fed!" as soon as she got home.
Claire goes to meet Kendrick who is wearing a turtleneck and a blazer like he's been taking fashion tips from Thurston Howell the Third. As they sit down so Kendrick can sign some papers, Claire apologizes for grilling him about the hooker. She was just worried about the company's reputation and has to think about that first. He says it's okay and she says good because she has more questions. She claims she was looking through the Aricite documents that Daniel Purcell leaked to Patty Hewes. Kendrick suspiciously asks why she was doing that and she plays it off beautifully as just being bothered by his change in story on the witness stand. She shows Kendrick that Purcell's original report on Aricite proved it was toxic. Kendrick abruptly says the report was wrong, which was why Purcell corrected it. When Claire gently asks him to clarify whether they need to clean up anything in West Virginia, Kendrick gets down right pissy. He snaps at Claire to quit asking so many damn questions and just shut up and be his darn lawyer already. Claire grits her teeth as he walks away.
Patty walks in to Mary Kay's gallery and is not admiring the art when Mary Kay thanks her for coming to see her. She thinks they should talk. Patty immediately asks why a smart attractive woman would choose to date a child, which is a really good question. Mary Kay smiles and rambles about Michael not being a child, but rather an overprivileged teen with an inability to look anyone in the eye and who constantly has his hair in his mouth. Patty responds with: Are you mentally ill? That was really fucking funny. 'Cause right. Why else would this woman want to hang out with that mealy mouthed pimple faced slack jawed dead behind the eyes drone? Mary Kay smiles again, doesn't flinch, and says something stupid about Patty being on the brink of empty nest syndrome. Um, zing? Patty ignores her and instead threatens to rip off her face when she breaks his heart. Once again Mary Kay doesn't flinch, but rather smiles and tells Patty that if there is anything she likes in the gallery she can get her a family discount. She's so smooth and calculated that it almost makes you think Michael wants to date someone just like mommy. I'm an admitted public radio nerd and this completely reminded me of a This American Life piece that I think John Hodgman did about choosing between flight or invisibility for a super power. One of the people he interviewed asked about sidekicks and then stopped herself when she realized that having a sidekick meant hanging out with a teenager all day. I mean who wants that, right?
Claire and Daniel meet up at Claire's apartment or a hotel room. Claire is upset about her findings and she has been washing down her sorrow with scotch. She thanks Daniel for the reports and it is eminently evident that the final report was doctored. Daniel is sorry about her fallen hero in Kendrick. Claire shrugs and throws Daniel on the bed. She missed him. Or she's drunk. As Claire and Daniel go at it, we cut to someone watching the scene on a laptop. Someone has Claire's apartment under surveillance? Is Daniel Purcell playing two sides again? This whole show is playing like a cautionary tale today.
Agent Glenn (who is the most likely culprit in the Claire stake out) comes out of his room to where MVP is sitting on the couch enjoying a much deserved after work beer. As Agent Glenn gets ready to go out, MVP stares at him. He wants in. Agent Glenn is psyched, but he wants to meet the guy first. Agent Glenn agrees to set it up and then heads out on his "date".
There's a knock on Wes's door. He looks through the peephole, pauses, thinks about it for a minute, and then opens the door to Ellen. She asks if she can come in. Cut back to MVP on the couch. He hears a door slam and calls out to Glenn for being back so soon. It's not Glenn. It's two men in leather jackets. Cut back to Ellen wrapped in a sheet and sitting forlornly on Wes's bed. (Naughty!) Wes asks if she is leaving and she says no, but doesn't really move. Wes figures out that something is bugging her and comes close to her to ask what it is. She tells him that she probably shouldn't have told him about almost getting killed, but since she did and needs someone to talk to, she's going to tell him the rest. Her boss tried to kill her because she had information on her. Wes asks why she is still working for a homicidal maniac and Ellen explains that she's not. She's working for the FBI. We flash back to Ellen meeting with the FBI for the first time in the limo with George Nye and her decision to act as an informant. It cuts back to her and Wes talking about it and then back to her getting out of the limo where she met with the agents and we see her walk past Wes who is on the phone, undoubtedly to Mr. Cheeseburger, reporting about her activities. As Wes hugs Ellen, he shoots the camera a serious Blue Steel gaze.
The first thing out of Mr. Cheeseburger's mouth is, "Why is Ellen Parsons still alive?" What, no hello? Wes explains that he knows why Ellen is meeting with the Feds. He explains about the whole cooperating witness thing, but Mr. Cheeseburger really doesn't care that Ellen is more concerned with bringing down Patty than exacting vengeance on Frobisher. Mr. Cheeseburger explains that this isn't about Frobisher, it's about him. Wes has to kill Ellen or else Mr. Cheeseburger will go to Wes's old lieutenant and tell him what he knows and Wes will go to jail forever. But, Wes. Couldn't you go to jail forever for killing Ellen? Why not just take Cheeseburger down instead and keep getting nookie from Ellen? Or turn yourself in and take down Cheeseburger IAB style? Just don't be silly. You're too cute to be stupid.
Agent Glenn returns home from his night of debauchery shouting to see if MVP wants breakfast. He stops in his tracks and stares. The camera pans first to the spoon, the lighter, and the white powder. Then it goes to the syringe and finally rests on MVP with his arm in a tourniquet and his eyes dull. He's totally dead. NOOOO! No one wears tight shirts like he does. Agent Glenn is horrified and stumbles out of the room. He apparently called Mr. No-Name for a meeting because the thing we see is him hot boxing a cigarette in a stairwell waiting for someone to show up. We see the man's back first and Agent Glenn starts berating him for killing MVP when he swore he was going to play along. The man turns and we see it is Lester. Whoa. Expected, but whoa. He corrects Agent Glenn's misconception: MVP was not playing along. He had called his higher ups and was going to collect evidence against Agent Glenn. There was no choice but to kill him. Besides, rumor had it he was a drug addict. Oh poor MVP! It's just all wrong. Agent Glenn doesn't really buy it, but Lester assures him that the Deputy Director of the FBI knew he had an interest in the case and told him about MVP's call. And, yes, Agent Glenn, your supervisor knows too. Lester tells him to man up, stop crying, and bring him the head of Patty Hewes.
Cut to Ellen and Patty in the hotel room. Ellen drinking, Patty crying, Agent Glenn watching, Ellen firing, Agent Glenn running. He rushes to the hotel room as a stunned, traumatized, and bloody Patty stumbles out of the room. In a haunting echo of Ellen's bloody run from Patty's apartment last year, Patty stumbles down the hallway covered in blood and looking horrified. She wipes blood on the walls and collapses into the elevator.
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