“ Speedle's standing in the crowd, because he's either too cool to dance or he's practicing his Horatio Caine 'I am a man alone, set apart by my divine mandate for justice' stance. ”
Moronic dance music plays in the background, and we get a few desultory shots of Miami at night so we know that Miami is a hot party town filled with hot party-loving people. A sports car of some sort zooms on by and ends up in front of a club. There are a lot of other sports cars there, and a queue by the door. Two hot party-loving women get out of the car and hand their keys to the valet without actually making eye contact with him or acknowledging his presence. They saunter to the door, where Ben (sigh) Browder says flirtatiously, "The girls have arrived." CBS might as well say the same thing about the Farscape fans who tuned in expressly for this episode. There's a little bit of coquettish badinage between the women and Ben (sigh) Browder -- and can you blame the women? -- and then they head inside. We hear, "DJ Scorpius is here!" It is literally the high point of this episode; enjoy the remaining 59-minute slide toward hell. For those of you who didn't watch Farscape, here's all you need to know to appreciate that joke: Ben (sigh) Browder played a space cowboy who, through various plot twists, acquired a sworn enemy named Scorpius. So now Ben (sigh) Browder is slumming on this network dreck, and the entire four-year narrative arc is reduced to a throwaway line which may or may not have been ad-libbed. Come on -- do you give the brain trust behind this show enough credit for the wit to come up with that one on their own?
We see DJ Scorpius kicking it dork-school style behind the turntable. Then we see people dancing. And then -- what do you know? Delko likes girls! He's busy whispering into the mouth of one. Speedle -- who appears to be his wingman -- takes one look at the scene and melts back into the crowd. Well, he needn't have bothered; Delko's new friend tells him she has to leave the bliss of his embrace because she's needed at the bachelorette party. Delko's all, "What party? What about you and me?" Oh, Delko. There is no bachelorette party. She lied to spare your feelings, okay? Don't push it. Actually, the girl's all, "Once I get my friend wasted, I'll abdicate responsibility for her so you and I can have a night of hasty drunken sex!" Or something to that effect. In the background, DJ Scorpius hollers, "Gs up, hos down. If you ain't quakin' and shakin' the bacon, you ain't playin'." This is simply awful. I wish the real Scorpius was DJ'ing. There's some more dancing, and then DJ Scorpius is all, "Yo, yo, let's kick it trance-style." Evidently kicking it trance-style requires pyrotechnics. And here I thought trance music was all about boring computer-generated art and pretentious light shows. Speedle's standing in the crowd, because he's either too cool to dance or he's practicing his Horatio Caine "I am a man alone, set apart by my divine mandate for justice" stance. Delko, however, is bobbing and grinning mindlessly; it's amazing what the prospect of inebriated casual sex can do for the morale.
The pyrotechnics continue until the fateful moment when the sparks hit a curtain and an actual fire begins. This is the point where both Speedle and Delko snap into cop mode. DJ Scorpius gradually notices the conflagration behind him. Speedle manages to grab Delko in the crowd, and he says, "This place doesn't have sprinklers." Delko advises that they hit the fire alarm.
Tinder Box
“ Horatio sprints toward the building, screaming, 'Fire rescue's on the way.' But in the meanwhile, he's got to go get Speedle, then carry him out while Whitney Houston vows that they'll always love one another. ”
Alarms are hit, flames are growing, crowds are panicking. Speedle proves that he has been taking notes on Horatio as he immediately orders, "Everybody stay calm. There's an exit over here." Well, Speedle's got a little work to do, since unlike Horatio's edicts -- which apparently override the free-will portion of the brain and compel the subjects to do whatever he wants -- Speedle's entreaty is for naught, as people would rather run around and panic instead of actually exiting the club. Delko finds the cell phone in his pocket and calls in the fire at Club Descent. Speedle manages to lead a small group to the exit, only to discover that it's chained. Locked? They should have called this place Club Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Delko's actually looking for his bachelorette-party hookup.
Just then Ben (sigh) Browder rushes to the front of the club with a fire extinguisher and begins hosing the flames. Ben, we love you -- especially in the all-black ensemble -- but the hair...did you leave your barber on Moya? Ben (sigh) Browder exposits that there's only the one fire extinguisher, it's not going to be enough, and Delko should scram. Delko takes this as a cue to continue looking for Connie. They find her, although she's making life difficult by not coming along. Speedle finds an unlocked door and stumbles outside with one of the hot party-loving girls from three minutes ago. She's a little upset that her friend is still inside. So Speedle -- whose white shirt is pristine, by the way -- goes back toward the danger.
Once inside, he directs more people to the door. We see them stumbling out of the smoky area. This makes me wonder: why on Earth does nobody remember their childhood fire training? I'm not talking about the stop-drop-and-roll stuff, but the whole "in case of a fire, drop to the floor where the cleaner air is and crawl out" thing. I doubt anyone's going to do that in a room full of panicky people -- the benefits of breathing fresh air tend to be cancelled out by the drawbacks of being trampled -- but if people all automatically dropped to their knees, we'd have fewer people stumbling around sucking in lungfuls of smoke. Anyway, we see Ben (sigh) Browder carrying an incapacitated woman out and laying her on the ground.
Just then, a CSI Humvee pulls up. So help me, if Horatio's inside...what am I saying? Of course he's inside. After he finished his sunset brood session, he probably went home, heated up a Lean Cuisine bistro meal, and ate it while talking to the propped-up 8x10 glossy of his sister-in-law. Then he did the dishes and sat down to wait for crime to strike. Cue Horatio popping out of the Humvee, screaming, "Are you okay? Eric, where's Speed?" I tend to avoid making direct comparisons to Gil over on CSI: Original Flava in every recap, but I'm cracking myself up imagining Gil's reaction to the same situation. Better, I'm imagining Gil strapped in the passenger seat of the Humvee, watching Horatio fly off and looking contemptuous. Horatio sprints toward the building, screaming, "Fire rescue's on the way." But in the meanwhile, he's got to go get Speedle, then carry him out while Whitney Houston vows that they'll always love one another.
Tinder Box
“ Horatio asks, 'So if we have two chained exit doors, did we miss anything?' Argh, the 'we' thing? Did he read in some business magazine that using 'we' somehow bonded people or something? ”
We see that Ben (sigh) Browder is working in conjunction with Delko to pull people out of the club's exit. Connie finally makes her appearance. It's not looking good for Connie, and that's saying a lot given that she was about to go home with Delko. Just then, Horatio arrives to inflame the panic -- wouldn't your adrenaline go into overdrive if some lanky red-headed guy came tearing toward you, bellowing for you to get away from the building? He tells everyone the building is about to collapse. I don't even wonder how he knows everything anymore. Let's just assume that between bomb squad, narcotics, and science stints, he's also become an arson investigator.
Horatio heads into the club to find Speedle, determined to carry him out. He helps out other people, of course. We assume Speedle makes it out -- there's, like, three men in white shirts who come out at once, so perhaps Speedle had stunt doubles in the crowd or something. The building goes up. to Horatio, Speedle gasps, "It went down so fast, I didn't see a thing." Horatio replies, "We'll figure it out, Speed. We'll find out what happened, and this building will be our witness."
The Who agree, while I sit around and think about Jack Hawksmoor, the superhero who can talk to buildings and cities. I conclude that the building would probably tell Jack, "Get the red-headed jackass out of here! Haven't I suffered enough tonight?"
Once we return from commercials, Alexx is instructing someone to make sure any evidence tied to a particular body stays with that body. Then she heads out. Delko's walking with Connie as her stretcher gets rolled to the ambulance. She tells him, "Delko, I can't feel anything." He's confused, as he normally hears this line much later in the evening. Connie's all, "That's good, right?" Going by the look on Delko's face, it's not, but he lies to her. Ben (sigh) Browder asks how Connie is, and Delko says, "I don't think she's going to make it."
The rescue people have already come in, one with a dog. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess the dog's trained to sniff for arson. Speedle's giving Horatio the lay of the land. Horatio asks if there's any sign of accelerant, and Fireman Fred on his right answers that the dogs haven't found anything yet. Speedle then points out the chained exit door. Horatio asks, "So if we have two chained exit doors, did we miss anything?" Argh, the "we" thing? Did he read in some business magazine that using "we" somehow bonded people or something? Fireman Fred replies angrily, "You know me better than that, Horatio. The permit was filed five months ago when it was opened. Exits were free and clear. There was a compliance issue." Horatio leaps all over this, and Fireman Fred clarifies that the issue was with the soundproofing. Horatio directs Speedle to look at the soundproofing, then heads out to talk with owner Quentin Haid, who is currently keeping Vin Ethanol company.