Double Cap

The episode begins with some band exhorting the virtues of easy living as the camera pans around a pool so exclusive, it only lets in people who haven't heard of melanoma or sunscreen. The camera lingers over a parade of bikini-clad flesh so we can all ooh and ahh, and we get the impression that time is slipping on by as assorted beautiful people in varying states of undress lie down and get up from chaise lounges stationed by the pool. Gradually, everyone leaves as peak tanning hours dwindle, and a white-clad pool flunky is busy picking up the jet set's towels. As he walks by one cabana, he notices a woman prone on the lounge, her hat covering her head. As he walks over, we can all see that she's got the beginnings of a nuclear-grade sunburn. The guy tries to rouse her, and when he lifts her hat, whatever he sees causes him to recoil in disgust and drop the hat. Oh, like your hairdresser's never done that when you've come in for a trim.

Cut to Horatio and our friend John -- remember John? -- walking down the stairs to the pool, with Horatio saying smugly, "So nobody noticed anything?" "She turned and burned like everyone else around her," John replies. Who would have thought rich sunbathers had so much in common with rotisserie chickens? We learn that the last person to wait on Betty Bakes-a-lot did so at 2:30, and the entire shift of attendants is collected inside and awaiting the inevitable straw-man line of inquiry that passes for investigation on this show. We see the two men walk over as Speedle lifts his camera to take pictures. The camera flashes, and we're at the scene.

Cut to John opining that Betty Bakes-a-lot looks like a dried roast. Horatio ignores that and leans down to tell everyone that she's got a bullet wound to the back of the head; it's hardly visible through her hair. Either that pool flunky had excellent vision or he's easily upset by curly hair. John asks if a sniper made the hit. What, and then the sniper shot the hat off the table and onto Betty Bakes-a-lot's head so that nobody would notice? Horatio points out a second wound, and theorizes that whoever shot this woman did so at close range. John asks, "Who would risk a murder like this in front of all these people in broad daylight?" Well, who would be dumb enough to take a sniper shot in front of all these people in broad daylight, Mister You-Think-A-Sniper-Did-It? The people at the poolside may look as though their pretty heads could barely read the SPF on a bottle of sunscreen, but they'd sure as hell notice a gunshot. Anyway, Horatio thinks that the shooter is someone who wanted to make the murder public. John says, "The guy's got to be crazy." Horatio puts on his sunglasses and replies, "Not that crazy. He got our attention."

Roger Daltrey and I holler at the same time -- him for his own personal reasons, and me because sometimes, primal screaming lets the owies out. So Horatio only pays attention to sane killers? How nice it must be to take on cases only after vetting them using stringent personal criteria.

Once we're back from commercial, we see that Betty Bakes-a-lot has turned a mottled red color. That's interesting -- I didn't know that the skin continued to react to sun exposure even after death. Then again, given the quality of the "science" on this show, I probably still don't. The invisible man must have been snapping pictures, because once we finish with the series of snapshots detailing the massive sunburn this woman suffered, the only people at the chaise lounge are Horatio and Alexx, and neither one of them has a camera. Horatio comments, "She traveled light." Alexx clarifies, "But well. $300 Helen Kaminski tote bag. Ooh, and look at her ring." It appears that Betty Bakes-a-lot is engaged to the mayor of Emerald City. Horatio comments, "Cleopatra's favorite gem. Oval cut, too." Naturally, Horatio's a gemologist in his spare time. Just then, Calleigh comes over, piping, "The shark's choking on everything. The grid search offered up six sprinkler heads, a bottle cap and a spoon." And then the shark took a big leap. Or was that the show? Anyway, I love how we're just supposed to infer that "shark" is the police lingo for metal detector. Horatio realizes that there are no casings lying around. Calleigh tells him, "Either the shooter used a revolver, or they were smart enough to pick up the cartridge. Alexx, can you characterize the wound?" Khandi Alexander comes back from the vacation she took off-screen and says, "Definite searing." Since she's only a coroner, it's up to Calleigh to explain to us what these subtle anatomical clues mean: "Barrel to skin. This may have been an execution." "Or a very good imitation," offers Alexx, before packing up for another trip off-screen. At least, that's how I hope Khandi Alexander's using her time, since God knows she's not called on to contribute much of it to any given episode of this show. "It seems real to Me," Horatio decrees. He goes on to explain that the victim seems wrong, what with being a woman, then bids Calleigh and Alexx good day so they can ponder whether women breaking the glass ceiling in gangland hits is progress or not.

In the scene, John says deferentially to Horatio, "Front desk says our victim's name is Gloria Tynan." We find out that Gloria checks into the penthouse every Tuesday afternoon with a mysterious unnamed man. Oh, Gloria. I think they've got your number. Horatio commands that, "Let's keep the cleaning crew out of here until My guys get here." John tells him, "There's more. Her hotel bill's always paid in cash." Horatio muses, "Paid for a penthouse in cash, and yet they only found ten dollars in her purse." Well, if she was paying in cash, maybe she didn't have a lot left over? Oh! I get it! We're supposed to think that someone like Gloria, who does piss away large amounts of cash on afternoon hotel-suite rentals, would be carrying a wad of cash. John carries on, "She checked out, then went to the pool. Front desk says it's part of her routine." Horatio's all, "It wasn't routine today, was it?" Not unless she's in the habit of rising from the dead after getting plugged in the back of head, no -- but that should have been obvious, shouldn't it? John resists the urge to say anything.

Cut to Speedle sulking about his haircut in the corner of an elevator. Delko comes in, sighing heavily from the imposition of working for a living, and plants himself on the wall to Speedle. As the elevator rises, Speedle says, "Hey, check it out." Delko follows Speedle's line of sight and asks, "We on TV?" In a meta way, yes. Speedle corrects him, "No, it's Alexx. It's the crime scene. We were just down there." So let me get this straight: the hotel's security cameras are feeding a closed-circuit television in a glass elevator that the guests use? What, are they expecting security to go riding elevators all day to see what's going on outside? This hotel caters to people who get their ya-yas from watching security camera footage? I'd try to cobble together a rational explanation for why a glass elevator turned into the viewing room for security central, but I might actually sprain something in my brain. Anyway, the whole purpose for this addled coincidence is so Delko can conclude, "That means that security might have caught our shooter in the act." Speedle's itching to get his hands on the footage, and Delko chides him, "There's no way you're getting out of processing this room with me." Speedle begins riffing, and once again, Rory Cochrane rises about his material with, "Why would I want to do that? I love hotel rooms. Body fluids everywhere." Delko notes Speedle's grin and snaps a latex glove as he tells Speedle to glove up. "That may play at home, but you're on the job now," Speedle shoots back. Oh, he does not. When was the last time there was anything resembling witty repartee on this show? Why would they start now?

Night rapidly falls on Miami in the time it takes those two clowns to exit the elevator and walk to the room. That must be the longest hotel hall in all of Miami. Delko assesses the situation with, "Movies on command, a full bar, that's definitely the way to go. That's how my grandma's going -- I figure we can fit the entire family in this suite, catch some Spectravision while she breathes her last, charge the mini-bar to the estate..." Or maybe he stops before fitting in a reference to his earlier contention that Grandma Delekorsky would depart this mortal plane while surrounded by her dubious genetic legacy. Speedle opines that the mini-bar is no way to rate a suite. Delko notes that the bed's made, and Speedle speculates, "Maybe they did it on the spread." Then he and Delko giggle for five minutes because he said "did it."

We then transition into a montage wherein our dynamic duo look for bodily fluids courtesy of an ALS and take fingerprints in the room. Delko finds a fresh partial print; Speedle finds some porn. Why does this not surprise me at all? I wonder if Speedle's always "finding" porn at crime scenes, then giving a capsule summary of the A.V.N. review. Delko's all surprised: "A girl that hot? Guy had to be a Viagra case." Because it follows in his sad little world that women are merely sexual objects for men, as opposed to sexual people who might get off on a little video action themselves. Speedle appears to concur: "So the suspect's probably over forty. You know what? I'm going to go watch those surveillance tapes." Sure you are, Speedle. Delko calls him on it with, "Don't digitize that one by mistake. The CSI servers are still recovering from the last digitized bootleg you put up. Damn KaZaA." Again -- what are the odds of Delko saying any such thing?"

Calleigh's down in the kitchen of the hotel, telling the assembled hotel staff, "Okay gentlemen, I'm going to need to see your hands, and by 'hands,' I mean 'awkward come-on lines,' because we need a demonstration of how my good looks can sometimes be an obstacle on the job." Or maybe she stops after the first part of that sentence while we see the rest in action. The upside is, she identifies one of the men as someone who ransacked Gloria's belongings; Gloria's girly watch on the man's burly wrist helps Calleigh make this call.

Back at the morgue, Horatio's standing at the foot of the mortuary slab with Alexx. Alexx is poking around Gloria's body, explaining, "Possible intercourse. I collected samples." Horatio replies, "Let's look for DNA for a potential suspect. And what about the gunshot wound?" What, indeed -- Gloria's got two small, clustered wounds. Horatio muses, "Pros tap twice, up close and personal, don't they?" Alexx replies, "Then we are dealing with a pro. Shooter pressed the barrel against her skull, jerks from the impact, then fires again. Two bullets." She hands said bullets to Horatio. It's worth noting that Alexx hasn't said word one to the victim; I wonder if she underwent an extensive behavior-modification program known as "rewriting the character mid-season." Alexx also produces a small vial in which a few black scraps float, and tells Horatio that the scraps have a rubbery consistency. This intrigues him. He then asks if there's "anything steel or metal...something like a suppressor." Alexx points out, "A suppressor would explain why nobody at the pool heard the big bang-bang-bang, but no. Just lead." Horatio accepts this and asks for Gloria's ten-card -- that's her print card -- ASAP. Alexx shoots back, "If you tell me your theory." Horatio broods, "Pretty girl, two taps to the back of the head -- worlds collide." This apparently means something to Alexx, because she begins silently taking Gloria's prints.

Within seconds, Gloria's scanned prints are being matched against whatever turns up. Horatio's hovering over the print technician, mentally willing the computer to work faster, until Calleigh distracts him by popping over and breathlessly announcing, "Hi. I have a suspect I'd like you to visit. He swiped our lady's wristwatch at the pool. Homicide has him in holding." Horatio lets her down gently: "It looks like you may have a minor-league thief on your hands." Calleigh is enthralled by his insight. Then her cell phone rings, and over the course of the conversation, she listens before saying too-cheerily, "Yeah! Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can break away." Once she hangs up, Horatio tells her, "I need you to take a look at the bullets we extracted from the victim." He hands them to her. Calleigh fixes him with her usual adoring gaze and tells him, "Sure thing." Horatio continues, "Particular attention to the striations." She asks lightly, "Do you mind if I run a quick errand before I do?" No, Horatio does not. On a better-written show, we'd be able to infer that he's probably guessed what Calleigh's about to go do; here, we must assume that his near-divine ability to pluck the right answer out of thin air is what's given him this moment of insight. He watches her go, before returning to brooding at the lab technician and screen.