Season finale time around Angels of Mercy hospital, and we've got a few questions:
Will Dr. Ben (Blair Underpants) Turner stick with Dr. Lilian (Vivica A. Fox) Price, despite her ability to roll her eyes at life-threatening velocities?
Will Ron Harris perform one final act of dapper suavitude -- one so stunning that he explodes into a massive white light of pure smoothness and becomes part of the cosmos?
Will Dr. Geoffrey Weiss leave the Beastie Boys to pursue a solo career?
Let's find out.
Previously on City of Cancellation -- er, I mean, "Angels": Hospital director Ed' O Malley, who resembles a full-grown Mickey Rooney with a moptop, got his face kicked in by thugs. He allowed only Dr. Turner treat him and then made a fuss about wanting to leave the hospital. Dr. Williams noticed that even though O'Malley got beat up and bloodied, his clothes were spotless. Dr. Vivian Price struck a deal with Ed O'Malley, and in the middle of a parking lot, he made an odd request: He asked for one of her shoes. "When you make a deal with the devil, you have to deal with the devil," he hissed, deliciously. She gave up her shoe and, with that, we end the Previouslys. Yeah, I know. Some weird crap is going down and a puffy pastry man named Ed O'Malley is behind it all.
The episode opens at night as Dr. Turner pulls into the driveway of a nice little estate. He is led upstairs by the big, mustachioed bodyguard who was O'Guarding O'Malley last week. The bodyguard, much more talkative this time, says he was supposed to pick up O'Malley, but the man won't come out of his bedroom. He also mentions that his doughy boss has been taking the pain medication Turner prescribed. And he hasn't been taking it in a responsible way, either. At the door, we hear "Cry Me a River" drifting out. Turner and the bodyguard knock on the door, asking O'Malley to respond. He doesn't. The bodyguard backs up and kicks the door open. (Turner, I should mention, is wearing a spiffy brown leather jacket. The bodyguard is wearing a big suit and shaggy hair. From behind, as they burst in, they look like they're starring in Yet Another 48 Hours.) The bedroom is a mess. Turner goes toward the music, opens the door to a second room and sees to the right a bunch of pills and a single brown pump -- the same one Dr. Price gave over a while back. Turner doesn't watch the previews before the episode, so he hasn't made the connection yet. Inside there are racks of women's shoes. Then lying there, crumpled, in a hideous frock-like blue dress and a blue and green scarf, is Ed O'Malley, done up in blotchy makeup and the same lipstick that Diane Ladd wore in Wild At Heart. Turner tells the bodyguard to call an ambulance and suggests that they get the man out of the dress. The bodyguard shuffles off, embarrassed. Turner tries to wake up O'Malley by holding up the man's head, but his hand sinks into a pile of skin and Turner doesn't have time to knead it into a firm loaf. We cut to the opening credits as O'Malley's head flops to the left, perhaps looking for some sort of reassurance that this was the right artistic acting choice. Sadly, he doesn't find it.
Memo to CBS: I will watch Falcone if: (a) somebody pays me; (b) you don't run it every night and make me miss seven episodes before I even know it exists; (c) the entire cast makes a guest appearance on The Sopranos; and (d) you somehow manage to make me forget that the movie Donnie Brasco ever existed.
We open on the L.A. skyline at night as the neon Angels of Mercy sign glows fictitiously. Dr. Jackson is in his leather jacket, carrying a backpack and getting ready to go home. He's accosted by Dr. Weiss and Dr. Williams, who want to bring him back to help out on some car crash victims. His surgery rotation is supposed to start tomorrow, but he figures he'll get a head start.
Inside the ER, Turner and Price greet each other with mutual "hey"s. She asks him about the house call he made to O'Malley's. She found out from sleek lover man Ron Harris, who asked her to do damage control with the press. Turner suggest that it wasn't an accidental OD. Price is surprised; why would a man who owns one of her shoes want to kill himself? A couple -- LaShonda and Reon -- who've been involved in a jeep crash are brought in. LaShonda seems okay except for some chest pain from the seatbelt. But Reon is in a big, yellow shoulder rig that makes him look like he's about to fight the mother monster from the end of Aliens. LaShonda starts screaming when he's brought in. He yells back, "It's okay, baby!" We find out that Reon was thrown from the jeep and he can't feel anything below his chest. Dr. Jackson looks on with interest. Dr. Turner takes Reon's hand and asks if he can feel it. Reon says all he can feel is some pain in his neck. Turner orders some steroid protocol from neurosurgery while Reon thinks, "Can I have some, too?" Turner tells him he may have suffered some trauma to the spinal cord. Jackson whips out of a pair of scissors and starts running them up and down Reon's feet. Turner takes him aside. "Are you trying to poke a hole in this man's foot?" he asks. Jackson says that this guy is Reon King, who plays for USC and has a rushing record. Just then Price walks up to tell them that the press is already calling. Turner tells her to pass on the bare minimum of info (we in the press thank you, Dr. Turner). She walks away as quickly as she came. Turner says he'll meet Jackson in the OR. "And Arthur," he says walking away, "welcome to surgery." Yeah, if the show gets cancelled, it'll be a one-week rotation.
In the CAT Scan area, Jackson, Turner and a few others are watching. Except for the spinal injury, Reon isn't too bad off. The girlfriend has already been discharged with some bumps and bruises. The image comes up on the computer and Reon's spine looks like part of a wishbone, post-wish. It's a complete spinal separation. My cat and I involuntarily wince. "I guess he's not going pro," Dr. Jackson says sadly. Turner sighs, rubs his eyes to show even deeper sadness, and says he's going to go talk to the family. Some other doctor asks the woman operating the computer to enlarge the image and give him more resolution. Then put it in Photoshop and put a nice Monet blur filter on it.
In Reon's room, the parents and LaShonda are gathered around. Reon looks completely unhurt except for his crippling injury. I guess when he was thrown from the jeep, he landed directly on his spinal cord, leaving his face, arms and legs unscathed. Turner gives it to him straight: He tells the young man he suffered a bad neck injury. "So I'm gonna be down for a while, huh?" Reon asks. Well, if you define "a while" as fifty to sixty years, sure....The mother asks when he'll play football again. "Yeah, he's going pro," Dad says. Turner keeps his eyes on Reon. "Reon, I want you to prepare yourself for very bad news." He tells him that his spinal cord was severed. LaShonda looks away in pain. Turner tells him he's paralyzed. The parents ask in disbelief if he'll get his feeling back. Dr. Turner says it's very unlikely. "No, no, he's going to play ball again," his father says. Well, if you define "ball" as something other than a sport where you have to stand up, sure....Reon's mother seems to get angry and says that Turner is not the only doctor in town, as if a rival school put Turner up to this diagnosis. The father tries to bargain with God. He says they had one son who was shot dead and another in jail. Reon was their only hope. So he can't be paralyzed. Understand? "Now, Reon is going to play football," the father says angrily. God comes down and says, "Well, if you define 'play football' as something he could do as an activity in Heaven after he dies, sure...." The mother suddenly turns on LaShonda and yells at her: "What happened girl? How did this happen?" LaShonda recoils. Reon explains that he'd been drinking and asked LaShonda to drive. The mother yells again, asking why LaShonda didn't put a seatbelt on Reon if he was drunk. Turner calms them down. Reon takes center stage and asks if there's a one in a million chance he'll play again. Turner says he doesn't want to take his hope away, but it's not likely. "Like this show getting renewed," Turner adds, "this show could be around for a long time." Well, if you define "long time" as another 40 minutes, well....Reon gives a little speech about making it this far and not giving up. "What the step, Doc?" he asks. Tomorrow is surgery to stabilize the spine. Then it's a long rehabilitation. Turner gets up to leave and we fade to black on Reon's anguished face.
Would some engineer please create a Touched By an Angel Chip (TBAA-Chip) so I don't have to watch Roma Downey's V-Chip commercial anymore?
Morning at the hospital. An Asian doctor with a heavy accent, Dr. Lu, says, comically, "Holy cow. That's one ugly ass boil." The boil in question is resting on the otherwise smooth ass of Ron Harris, Magnificent Bastard. Ron is bent over on an exam chair. "Hot as hell too," the doctor adds, "you could cook a pancake on that sucker!" I could elaborate and joke around here, but I think the scene plays brilliantly as a comedic duet on its own. Let's just enjoy it. The doctor says they'll have to drain it in the OR. "No, no, no, no!" Harris yells, getting up. Luckily, we don't get a patented Bochco Butt Shot here. The doctor says that Harris will be much happier with an anaesthetic in the OR. The doctor takes the thermometer from Harris' mouth. "101, Ron. We could strike oil down there!" Oh goodness, I've got tears rolling down my cheeks. Harris, visibly flustered beneath that suave exterior, says this has to be a very quiet procedure: one male anesthesiologist, two male nurses. That's it. Dr. Lu says he'll make all the arrangements. "Nobody but us ever gonna know it happened." Harris walks out, ironically, to go be a boil on the ass of society.
Dr. Turner walks in to Ed O'Malley's private room where he is eating out of what look like brown dog food bowls. O'Malley wonders aloud how the hospital ever got three stars in the Michelin guide. He asks Turner to close the door so they can talk, then close the curtain. O'Malley still has some red scratches on his visage from when he was attacked by thugs. O'Malley says "Barney" the bodyguard should never have called Turner. He hopes Turner will forget about the cross-dressing (as if that won't be emblazoned in Turner's memory on his deathbed) and now he just wants to be released. Turner says he can't release O'Malley: "I released you once against my better judgment and I won't do it again." Turner says that O'Malley has to see a psychiatrist because he's a danger to himself. Dr. Turner says that the mixture of drugs and alcohol could have killed him. O'Malley says that Turner is making a professional and personal error. And he says it maliciously, with salt poured on for good measure. Turner says he'll just have to live with that. Turner calls over the bodyguard to tell him that O'Malley is to see the psychiatrist. If O'Malley leaves before that, Turner will do nothing to keep the events of the night before from going public. Way to grab him by the pantyhosed cojones, Turner! "I am warning you, Doctor," O'Malley hisses. Then he exhales menacingly. Nuthin' but nose.
Harris's office, which today is known as The Ass Palace. Ron is bent over his desk, looking pained. He calls in Dr. Price. As she enters, he sits down, carefully, finally resting his padded butt on the padded chair and leaning way to the left. He asks about O'Malley, the press and all that, but what he's really thinking about is his wish that his ass were as smooth and molded and unaffected by boils as the one possessed by Dr. Williams. They talk about Reon. "Terrible tragedy, terrible," Ron says distractedly. But what he's thinking is, "That my ass should be affected by a boil when it is otherwise so smooth and round and cool to the touch is the true tragedy in this drama." He dismisses her, but Price says they had a meeting scheduled. "Are you okay, Ron?" she asks. "Yes, yes," he answers, limping over to the other side of his desk. She brings up Nurse Peeler, who needs a raise. Harris get mad, his bald pate glistening with sweat. He says it won't happen this year. "item," he barks. Price says Nurse Peeler also wants to take eight medical students to Palm Springs for a training session. Harris tries to sit down on the edge of a table, then gets up quickly. You know, if there's this much comic gold to be mined, you should spotlight Ron Harris' ass every week. Price again asks if he's okay. He sits down then gets right back up, his ass-boil reaching a volcanic temperature. Harris turns the trip down too and earns a sour look from Price as she exits.
Back in the ER, Jackson and Williams are still fawning over the great Reon King. They take turns reading his chart out to Turner, who doesn't seem impressed by Reon, the two doctors, or the season finale so far. We're with ya, Turner. Along with Weiss and Dr. Price (because they rhyme), they all gather around Reon's bed, beside which his girlfriend is sitting. Reon announces that he has something to say. He asks about the rehabilitation. "Am I gonna be able to take care of myself?" he asks Turner. Turner says he probably won't. The girlfriend says she'll help. Reon decides he doesn't want someone helping him brush his teeth or helping him go to the toilet: "Last night I laid here for about two hours with an itch on my nose like a spider bite. And I couldn't do a thing about it." Reon asks LaShonda whether she still wants to be with him. "Of course I do, I love you," she says, automatically. Weiss, Williams and Jackson leave, because as a resident, you don't have to deal with the touchy-feely emotion crap. Price sticks around. Reon asks how long he'll live. Turner backtracks, not wanting to answer, but Reon starts ranting. "Forty years!" he yells, asking if LaShonda wants to wipe his behind for forty years. "I'm in prison," he cries. It's very emotional, and awfully well done here, with no schmaltzy music at all. Good job, all around. LaShonda thinks it's a little too good because she has to take a walk to collect herself. Reon tells her not to come back because he's not a man no more. And to prove it, he cries some more. After she leaves, he calls her the most beautiful girl in the world and says she likes to laugh and make love. In that order, because otherwise it could be a little embarrassing. Turner tells him, "One step at a time." Reon tells Turner to go lay down and force himself not to move just long enough for the panic to set in. Basically, Reon doesn't want to live. "I can't even wipe my own damn tears." Okay, now we get schmaltzy music, but it's okay because the scene was so well acted. We fade to black and white and then back up to garish color with Salma Hayek's "Goodbye, clomps!" Revlon commercial.
After the break, we get uber-cool macho man Ron Harris, wiping sweat from his brow as he walks down the hall. Nurse Lynette Peeler accosts him. He sets his smooth phaser to "unreceptive." She asks about her raise and about the symposium trip for her nurses. Harris yells at her, turning himself into a human boil ready to burst. She counters that the symposium is world-renowned. Well, so is Ron Harris. He tells her that the patients who come in every day should be education enough. "Good day to you," he hisses, and walks off. "Good day to you too, sir," she mutters, "Ya old Billy goat." Somebody please give Peeler some better lines season. When was the last time somebody called somebody else an "old Billy goat?" I think it was sometime during Sanford and Son's run.
Back in Ed O'Malley's private room. He hasn't redecorated the place, but give him time. A psychiatrist named Dr. Ethan Carter comes in. Wait, Dr. Carter? Are you kidding me? I think it's lovely how well City of Angels distinguishes itself from that other hospital show on NBC. Dr. Carter (and it pains me even to type that) sits down as the bodyguard exits, wondering what he should do about his other crazy client, Whitney Houston. O'Malley puts on a brilliant show, saying that he was humiliated by muggers and that he got carried away with his cross-dressing, his pain medicine, and the alky-hall. I keep wondering if O'Malley might get an endorsement deal with Michelin because his face looks just like a flat tire. O'Malley says that he only cross-dresses with other like-minded individuals. They put on little revues at his house and watch award shows just to make fun of the dresses. Edwina O'Malley says he wants to apologize for how he treated Dr. Turner. He abused the friendship and now he's sorry. I'd say Edwina abused the friendship when Turner had to help him out of his pantyhose.
The hilarious Dr. Lu runs into Nurse Peeler and tells her they've got a gluteal abscess coming in. Not just any abscess. This one is on the ass of a well-dressed, suave gentleman. It doesn't take Peeler long to figure out who that could be. It also helps that Dr. Lu tells her. "He wants it real hush-hush," Lu tells Peeler. That's understandable, she says, given his position. "His position is butt in the air," Lu says, "That baby is the boil that ate Detroit!" Would somebody please give Dr. Lu a spinoff? You could call it Time of Wu's Life.
In the Reon King room, Turner has come for a little friendly visit. He gets no love upon walking in. "The silent treatment?" he asks. "Yes! I mean, no!" Reon yells. Well, not really. I made it up. But it's funnier than silence, I think. Turner wipes Reon's brow. Then they start talking about inspirational football games. Of course, this isn't a cliché at all. And I'm not dialing the number for the cliché police. And they're not sending over a cliché paddywagon to lock these fools up. Not at all. Turner starts telling Reon that he can walk if he just has faith. Not millions of dollars worth of medical procedures, just faith. Turner pulls off the covers to "see what he's got." Ahem. He tells Reon to focus every bit of energy on his big toe. Turner goes face to toe. He yells and yells like a rabid coach. Turner gets to do some overacting here. Reon manages to wiggle his toe, defying all medical laws. Then he walks out with Turner into the hall, defying the laws of hospital protocol. Then the people in the hall applaud, defying their own better judgment. Then defying the laws of gravity, Reon and Turner start flying, holding hands. And then, what the HELL?! No, seriously. They're flying. Like, up, up and away. Oh, good lord. It's St. Elsewhere all of a sudden. Then Dr. Turner wakes up. I want to cry.
The guy that woke up Turner, Dr. (snicker) Carter, tells Turner that he thinks O'Malley is okay. Depressed and afflicted with psychosexual conflict, but generally okay. "I don't think he's suicidal," Carter tells Turner. Carter says there's no reason to keep O'Malley in. "He's anxious to see you, by the way. He says he owes you an apology," Carter says.
In the locker room, we've got a bare-chested Dr. Weiss, which is really nothing to get excited about. Jackson talks about trading tasks so he won't have to pre-op Reon. Just then Turner walks in. "What's this about?" he asks. Weiss says they're all bummed out about Reon. Jackson says he's nervous about seeing Reon. Jackson, who got shot a while back, says it makes him feel bad because he remembers his own injury. So what, there hasn't been a gunshot wound or car accident in the hospital since then? Jackson and Williams must have exchanged personalities because Dr. Jackson is looking more like the wuss-boy every day. Turner insists the doctors have to be there for poor Reon. In the course of this conversation, Dr. Turner has taken off his shirt. No real reason, but it is a significant plot point. You're welcome.
Jackson hesitantly comes in to visit with Reon. He clearly doesn't want to be there, but he tries to make conversation. Jackson starts reminding Reon about some of the great games he played. I try to call the cliché police, but they say they're already on their way to handling my first call and that if I'm that bothered, I should just file a police report. Reon remembers one time when he hit another guy on the field and he thought, "Boy, I hope I didn't break his neck." That one shuts up Jackson really fast. He changes the subject: "Is your mom a good cook?" Now he's thinking about not being able to feed himself. Then Reon starts to pass out. He says he feels woozy. Jackson scrambles and calls Dr. Turner. Reon gets really afraid. He can't see now. He screams, "Don't let me die! Don't let me die!" Turner is wearing his life-saving multi-rust-colored Kufi hat. It's the hat that says, "This football star won't die on my watch."
In surgery, Jackson asks a bunch of questions about where blood is flowing and where they're going to cut. They cut a lot. Like around the liver region and in the stomachal area. Up near the chestal cavity. Right around the spleenal divide. And then to the right where the belly button meta carpa has distended. Oh, I don't what the Hell I'm talking about. Just go to commercial already.
In another room, Ron Harris is ass-in-the-air gowned with his smooth head in a big fluffy cap. He's bald. Why does he need to wear one of those? Dr. Lu is about to lance the boil but good when Peeler and her troupe of like fifty nurses pile in. "Wait, wait!" Harris shouts, trying to cover his ass, except literally for once. Peeler says that it was Harris's idea to study all patients that come in as an educational experience. She tries to bargain the Palm Springs trip out of him. "I won't be blackmailed, Nurse," he says. "Do it, Henry!" Dr. Lu raises his knife. "Main thing, get out of the way," he says. Then some pus flies and a nurse yells, "Ew, gross!" I thought that part of those many years of nurse training was learning how not to yell "Ew, gross!" when stuff like that happens. Ron Harris buries his sweet head in shame.
Back in the Edwina O'Malley private hospital suite, Turner walks in. He tells O'Malley that he can take his puffy old self home. O'Malley sends out the bodyguard. "You didn't listen to me, Doctor," he says. He gives a little rant about Turner making a dangerous enemy. Turner says he doesn't like threats. "I'm not threatening. I'm telling," O'Malley whispers. He says he's survived all these years with his secrets intact. So many awards shows. So many South Pacific revivals. Turner's not gonna ruin that. O'Malley says he wants to get out of this "hell hole." Turner leaves, telling the bodyguard to call somebody else time his boss OD's in his panties.
It's nighttime and still Ron Harris is at large. "I want Lynette Peller out of here," he growls at Price. Price agrees that she would probably be happy to leave. They yell back and forth. She calls him a jaded bureaucrat, he says she's been slumming it since Booty Call, yadda yadda yadda. She calls him on his worn-out platitudes. And then she brings out how Harris accidentally killed Dr. Max Fleischman. Oooh, burn. Price tells him he should nurture, not kill. "Help them, Ron. If the CEO won't, who will?" That shuts Harris up. Very temporarily, I assure you. He grudgingly decides to give Peeler a raise. You know, I liked Harris better as a Magnificent Bastard. Now he's like a Magnificent Waffle. Price wins this round, but boy does she not deserve it. Harris is sitting pretty, though, which he shouldn't be after that boil operation.
The Three Stooges, er, I mean Doctors Weiss, Williams and Jackson, are back for a little veiled homoeroticism as they come again to admire Reon King. Jackson reads the chart like a pro, giving special emphasis to "good urine," as if it's a French delicacy. Turner looks proud. The parents are back, and now they're just happy to have a son who's alive. The girlfriend comes back and this time Reon is happy to see her. "I love you and I'm gonna stand by you," she says. Um, bad choice of words. Reon says to thank Dr. Jackson. Dr. Jackson yells from the hallway, "He likes me, he likes me!" Turner leaves. Jackson leaves. scene.
In the lounge, Turner greets Dr. Price. It's late at night. Turner says he had an "amazing" day. Things went well with Reon. Jackson wants to be a surgeon. And the hospital has inspired everybody. "We're lucky folks," Turner says, and then whispers into the camera, "please renew us." They walk into the hall where Turner has abandoned his usual Kufi hat for a pink Kangol. Price asks what happened with O'Malley. It would be funny if she asked did the doughy O'Malley come down with a yeast infection, but I admit, it's too easy. Turner says it was an accidental overdose and they let him loose. Price tells Turner about the infamous "shoe incident." "What's up with that?" she asks. "I don't know," he says. The elevator doors close, somebody wheels a patient down the hall, and we end.
Wait. This is a season finale. No cliffhanger? No dramatic ending? Oh, man. This show is in trouble.
And that's it. A season of City of Angels. We've laughed. We've tried to cry, honestly. We have admired the spectral glow that is Ron Harris. And I think I can honestly say, upon reflection, and after having watched all these episodes, that I'm gonna go back and watch that Salma Hayek commercial again. See ya.