All right, kids. If you're still watching City of Angels, you are part of an elite, but probably misguided club that waits to see if the show will crash and burn (as it does this week) or if it somehow manages to rise above its derivative-of-ER state. Either way, let's keep watching those ratings; cancellation season is right around the corner.
Shout-outs to my homies (all three of them) in the CofA forums. We tight, yo. And watch for Heather's Making the Band recaps. They're comin' at you soon like a diamond in a crapstorm.
Previously on City: Dr. Weiss and Nurse Patterson were hashing out their romance after she revealed that her father doesn't like her dating white boys. Her father later confirmed it at an awkward dinner with the Weiss-ster. Ron Harris (the sneaky, prostitute-hiring administrator) got into constant fights with Dr. Lilian Price about her lack of administrative experience. Price and Dr. (Blair Underwood) Turner got it on in broom closets, elevators, couches and everywhere but the CAT scan machine. A very, very old doctor who looks like Col. Sanders ["but who is actually Mr. Shorofsky from Fame" -- Wing Chun] got up during a hospital assembly, then sat on a muffin. Don't ask me what it meant. I must have missed that episode.
This week, we begin with a disclaimer that says we'll be seeing some brief nudity in this episode. Blair Underwood fans: Start your engines.
The episode begins with Dr. Turner driving down the streets of L.A. listening to some talk radio. He pushes some buttons on a car stereo that looks more complicated than my home computer. Turner switches stations to some shout-and-response hip hop. While he's flipping, he looks up to see that he's running a yellow light right in front of a police cruiser. The cruiser immediately follows. Turner pulls over, looks at his watch, and leans back, with angry resignation. Two officers, one black and one white, approach his car. As Turner explains that he didn't see the red light, the white officer ["Hey! It's Gil Myers, that teacher on whom Ohndrea totally had a crush on !" -- Wing Chun] menacingly puts his hand on the butt of his gun. You just know a scene's gonna follow on White Man Holdin' The Chief of Surgery Down Theater. Turner tells the officer that his ID is in his jacket: "Mind if I reach for it?" The officer just nods. Turner can't find the wallet and says it must be in his bag. The officer tells Turner to pass the bag to him. Turner introduces himself as a surgeon (so that he can operate on them on the street?), because police officers are supposed to be trained to believe everything someone with no ID, insurance or registration says to them. Turner says there's nothing in his bag. The officer tells him that if he reaches into the bag, he will find a gun pressed against his head. Sounds fair enough. Turner, who is wearing a brown leather jacket and a Kangol hat, offers to get searched on the hood. He grabs his bag and exits the car. Looking in the bag, Turner still can't find his wallet and says, "I must have left it in my locker at the hospital." Drug dealers, hookers and politicians passing by are demanding that he be searched since even they don't believe his story. Turner whines that he just worked thirty-six hours straight. The not-white officer says he found Turner's car to be registered to a Davenport Corporation. Turner says that's the leasing company.
Suddenly the white officer violently throws Turner against the hood. Turner protests while the officer gets increasingly violent by spreading his legs and shoving him. "I'm curious, Leroy," the officer says. "What is the learning curve with you?" Blair Underwood, the actor, remembers that his character is named "Ben" and that that must therefore be a racist remark. He gets mad. He demands the officer's name and badge number. Racist Cop instead twists Turner's arm behind him and throws him to the ground while Turner screams and screams. The black cop gets out of Turner's car and starts to look concerned. The white cop, who now has his knee in Turner's back as he holds Turner face-down on the ground, tells him his name is Eugene Elliott, badge number 155. He tells his colleague "Scotty" to watch after Turner while he checks out Turner's "fresh new ride" for drugs. Turner looks at Scotty and gets all self-righteous: "Man, you ought to be ashamed of yourself." Scotty, who sounds a little unsure of himself, looks to the staff writers for a snappy comeback and this is what they come up with: "You ought to shut up." Fade to black and white on Turner, lying face-down on the pavement. My hands take a break from typing this paragraph as we go into the City of Angels holy gospel theme song (one of these days I'll transcribe the lyrics, but that would involve watching the credits several times and, well, let me get over these other nightmares first).
Somebody's using that stupid "Mambo #5" song for a long-distance service commercial ["starring Once and Again's Sela Ward" -- Wing Chun]. It was only a matter of time.
We come back Angels of Mercy hospital then inside where Dr. Price is walking like she's competing in the hospital administrator decathlon. She's wearing a long black coat and holding a slip of paper. She ducks into the locker room (motto: "Where we chill before prescribing your pill") and finds a buck naked and quite buff Dr. Wesley Williams. Forget everything I've said about this man. He may act like a wuss, but he has the body of a small, but very relevant deity. Williams, who is holding a towel, looks shiny and oily, not as if he just showered but as if he was self-basting. It just occurred to me that this is the brief nudity referred to in the opening: sorry, ladies. No naked Blair this week. Price asks where Turner's locker is while Williams just looks mortified and starts to stutter even though I'm sure he's always telling patients to put on little gowns where their asses hang out. Price, who doesn't even seem to notice that she is standing near a nearly naked, oily man, gets into Turner's locker presumably to fetch his things and look for any "I (heart) Dr. Price" scribbling he may have posted. Instead of putting on some clothes or strategically walking behind a stall, Williams just keeps watching Price, as if to say, "Hey! I hired a personal trainer just for this scene and if I want our entire viewing audience (four people and falling) to see it, well, they're just going to have to post a viewer-discretion warning before the show!" Price finally turns and seems to notice. She looks sideways at a wall mirror and she sees (as do we) Williams's bare, bare, bare ass. It's just hangin' out there. Yep. Naked butt. "Nice buns, doctor," she says very seriously, then walks out. Williams, looking very dazed, wanders to his own locker and we see a second, less gratuitous shot of his heinie. We salute Hill Harper, the actor who plays Williams, for this brave, dramatic acting choice.
Cut to the ER, where a seventeen-year-old girl is brought in with a gunshot wound. She looks just like one of those insufferable twins from the Old Navy ads who, with her sister, has starred in maybe fourteen twin-based sitcoms of their own with names like Double Trouble or Just the Two of Us or Wrigley Doublemint Presents.... You get the idea. Somebody had enough of her crap and decided to shoot her. She moans and screams while Weiss and Patterson take the helm on her treatment. They transfer her to a bed, while the cops accuse her of walking out of a convenience store with a stolen forty-ounce beverage and getting shot by the store owner. The girl threatens to shoot the store owner or at least put her in a really ugly orange Old Navy vest. Weiss continues to try to treat her while she flails and thrashes. Weiss, who looks more and more like King Ad Rock every day, tells her that if she doesn't settle down, he'll send her to surgery where she'll be laid up for a week instead of one day. She settles. Patterson, who's been giving Weiss the cold shoulder lately, looks impressed. Weiss tells the cops that no surgery will be necessary. Patterson turns to leave and tells Weiss she's going to meet her father. "Say hello to him for me if he'll hear it," he says, and she looks simultaneously annoyed and amused. The cops say that there are more shootings at the convenience store, so they'll be back. Weiss turns to his patient. "Whatchoo lookin' at?" she asks. Weiss is caught having deep fantasies about purchasing large quantities of cheap cargo pants.
In the waiting room, Papa Patterson is sitting to a wheezing, coughing homeless man. Nurse Patterson comes in to meet him (her dad, not the wheezy guy). She gives her dad a small peck and the homeless man says, "Hey, nurse! Bums need kissin' too!" "Find one without a cough and we'll talk," she answers. Papa Patterson is there for a work physical. He asks about the doctor he's supposed to be seeing: "He is a white man, correct, Grace?" Papa Patterson (who happens to be black) asks. Grace Patterson, who has heard all this before, says she lined it up just like he asked. He goes on about how it's his right to have a doctor with whom he's comfortable. Grace gets visibly frustrated, but puts up with it.
Cut to the police station where a tarty prostitute is being led away by someone who looks like Chris Rock. "Rock this, ya ho!" he seems to say. Price, who is waiting on a bench, gets up when they let Ben Turner out of the holding cell. "Thanks for coming," he says glumly. She asks why his shirt is all dirty. Turner, who looks exhausted, acts like he doesn't want to talk about it. "They rubbed dirt on you?" she asks. "In a fashion," he responds. Price asks if Turner got beat up. He says he just wants to go. Price asks for the names of the officers. Turner says he hasn't gotten much sleep, he's due back at the hospital, and he just wants to leave. Price gets all indignant like she always does and walks off, looking to pick a fight. She finds a desk sergeant who looks like one of the Chicago Bears Superfans from Saturday Night Live. Price asks for his commanding officer. The sergeant says the CO isn't in, but she can leave a message. Price says he can expect a call from Ed O' Malley -- the chairman of the county board of supervisors -- about police brutality. The sergeant sarcastically says they'll be waiting by the phone. Turner pulls Price away because he just wants some sleep. "Officer Harvell," she says, pointing to the sergeant, "I got your name." For what? Her fan website's e-mail list?
Outside at the impound, Price gets mad because Turner won't do anything about the injustice of his situation. Turner says he's practicing "self-control" which is a Zen method for avoiding doing anything. They both start yelling about how mad they both are, but that they have different methods for dealing. Turner wisely says he doesn't want to yell at a brick wall. Price, who has had a brick wall specifically built for the purpose of yelling at, doesn't see it that way. She says she wants to call Ed O' Malley. Turner stops her, points at her nose, and says, "Don't." She continues to goad him until he snaps. Turner says he'll take action, if he wants, on his own terms. "You don't own me just 'cause we're back in the sack." Ouch. Price's eyes bug out as if somebody squeezed her too hard. Her eyebrows twitch a little, too. "You've had a long morning. I'll let that slide for now," she says. They approach Turner's slick ride, which has been gutted from the inside. "Still don't want me to call Ed O' Malley?" Price says in her most annoying, shrill voice. "Stay out of it," Turner warns her as we fade to black and white on Price's pouty face.
Apparently ad revenues for City of Angels are so bad that the good folks at Podiacin managed to get their low-budget foot cream commercial into primetime network television. Way to go, Podiacin!
Back from commercials where an excited Ed O'Malley rushes in to super-suave sneaky man Ron Harris' office with a photographer. He gets Harris up for a photo op. Harris, who for the life of him looks like a slightly taller Mickey Rooney, gushes that he's holding a press conference to announce a $20 million allocation for the hospital. Harris smiles as if he's just picked up a hooker (oh wait, that was last week's episode) and says, "That's wonderful!" O'Malley says it was because of an accounting error (wink, wink) and that the only string attached is that they spend it wisely. Harris thinks about his little black book (it's too funny not to repeat: It's called Ho's I Knows) just as Price walks in looking positively dowdy in her white doctor's gown. I miss those power suits, Vivica. You should talk to Wardrobe. The photographer comes in and takes a shot of the three of them while O'Malley tells Price that he received her call about Turner's police run-in (naughty, naughty, Price) and made a phone call to take care of things. Ed O'Malley is the Tony Soprano of Angels of Mercy hospital. Price asks what this is all about; Harris just smiles sneakily and says, "Walk with me."
Now they're walking. Wow, this teleplay just connects the dots for us. Price rattles off a list of things the hospital needs, like more beds and more clergy (how about a clergy bed? You push a button and it prays for you!). Harris tells Price to call an advisory meeting that afternoon. She's interrupted by Price's pager. Harris and Price both have a nice moment together before Lilian walks off. It won't last.
Price comes in on Papa Patterson who is wearing his little hospital gown. He looks disturbed to see her and even more disturbed to learn she's performing his physical. Papa says, in a fumbling, embarrassed kind of way, that he had a specific appointment with the other doctor that his daughter set up. He name-drops Grace and says he would prefer a male doctor. Price seems okay with that and goes to call a male doctor, but not before Papa Patterson asks if the doctor is black or white. She says, reassuringly, that the doctor is black. Patterson says that he would prefer a doctor who is male and white. Price looks confused. An awkward pause follows. She seems to accept it, then goes to arrange it, but her self-righteousness gets the best of her. She comes back and asks Patterson why he feels the way he does. She tells a story about a friend of her father's who didn't want to see black doctors either; the man thought black doctors didn't get as good an education as white doctors. She fails to mention that black actors on shows like this don't seem to get as good scripts as the white actors on ER. She asks if Patterson will give her more insight. He goes from embarrassed to annoyed (a common reaction to the cyclone of prissiness that is Dr. Lilian Price) and says it's how he grew up and what he's accustomed to. Price says, "I hear it, but I still don't get it." So let's recap: In Price's medical world it's okay to be sexist and reverse-racist, but not regular-racist. I hear it, but I still don't get it.
Cut to Price and Nurse Grace Patterson looking at a clipboard and searching for an available white doctor. Nurse Patterson apologizes and Price says it's okay; her dad is a little kooky too. Price says she'll call Doctor Max Fleishman (a.k.a. Mr. Shorofsky) and that in the meantime, Nurse Patterson should run some tests. She mentions the $20 million windfall and how she has to find ways to spend it. Patterson says she has some ideas, which Price tells her to write down.
In another hallway, Price gives Nurse Lynette Peeler a promotion to director of nursing. She seems surprised. Price says Peeler's youth is no impediment to her getting the promotion, and that Peeler will get a nice pay raise. Price is spending her chickens before they hatch. Or some such metaphor.
Turner enters the ER where he's told three gunshot victims are on the way. A police officer who just happens to be hanging around asks Turner for a moment of his time. Turner looks really busy. The officer says he is apologizing on behalf of the LAPD and that any damage to Turner's car will be reimbursed. "Ed O'Malley send you?" Turner asks. Everybody else in the ER is starting to notice what's going on. Turner still looks very busy. The cop says he's there to discuss car theft, because it's an epidemic. Turner argues, distractedly, snatching a clipboard away from Dr. Weiss. He says he ran a yellow, not a red light. This show is all about distinctions based on color. Turner protects Scotty by saying that nobody heard the white officer call him "Leroy" except Turner himself. The new cop gets tired of listening and moves to leave. By the way, they're dropping the charges for running the red light. So what are you saying, Steve Bochco? LAPD are scum, but NYPD are cool, complex and "Blue"? Nice. Very nice.
Turner goes from looking busy to looking pissed off. The Korean son of the store owner who shot the Old Navy girl earlier (justifiably just based on the commercials, if you ask me) is brought in with his own bloody stomach wound. A young black man is brought in about the same time and the two start yelling racial epithets at each other as Turner tries to calm things down by shouting. The two young men end up wrestling on the ground. Turner breaks it up, then he loses it, big time. He yells at everyone: "Doctors, patients, cops, black, white, Korean, I don't care who you are, everybody shut your damn mouths!" I never knew Blair Underwood had it in him. Yegads. After some awkward silence, Williams punctures the mood when he mutters, "Can't we all get along?" I hear the entire city of Los Angeles groan from outside my window and I live in Texas. Weiss whispers, "Not today," and we mercifully fade to black and white on some stupid-ass screenwriting.
Back at the hospital, the Colonel Sanders-looking doctor (Doctor Fleishman) is treating Papa Patterson. He looks older than Elizabeth Taylor's first promise ring. Fleishman tells Patterson to get on his side and expose his buttocks for the...you know. As Fleishman goes to wash his hands, Patterson says he wants to skip the...you know...portion of the exam. Fleishman doesn't hear him. He puts on a glove and pours some nasty-looking lubricant into his hand. The entire city of Los Angeles would be wincing right now, but they changed the channel during the commercial.
Cut to Nurse Patterson and Dr. "Brass Monkey" Weiss. They spot Dr. Fleishman and she says he's performing her dad's physical based on Papa Patterson's "criteria." "What are the criteria?" he asks, "must be a Civil War vet?" (Note from the screenwriter: Ageism is okay, too.) Nurse Patterson approaches Fleishman, who is holding a chart in one hand and a pen in the other. The hand with the pen is still wrapped in a rubber glove and fully lubricated. Yucko. He explains what happened with her dad's refusal to submit to the...you know. His PSA test (which denotes prostate trouble) is bad and Papa Patterson's already left. Weiss looks at the chart and they both agree that it doesn't necessarily mean cancer. Weiss says her dad needs to come back. Patterson looks like she's at the end of her rope and begins to cry. Weiss offers to talk to him; after all, he's male and white. They hug, for all the wrong reasons.
On the way to their $20 million meeting, Turner stops Price and asks why she talked to Ed O'Malley. Turner said the call accomplished nothing. He sounds very angry that she did exactly what he asked her not to. Turner says he doesn't like feeling that his mother is fighting his battles. Price acts upset, which is to say she purses her lips like Renee Zellweger and resolves to pick up some books on Freud on he way home.
In the meeting, Price says the hospital should buy a new CT scanner. She explains why, but even the hospital staffers glaze over with boredom. Ron Harris pulls a sneaky one by saying she's being presumptuous. Lilian looks crushed. Harris says they need something more visible, like a tacky outdoor elevator for which he happens to have a mock-up. Price and Harris argue, but you know the sneaky, dapper man will win. Turner gets paged and runs to the ER.
In the ER, Turner is told a cop got shot at the riot. He goes to see who it is, and thanks to the wonder of modern television writing, he finds it's the same cop who brutalized him that same morning. Don't that just beat all? The cop doesn't remember Turner. Selective Racist Amnesia, I believe it's called. Turner reminds him and all of a sudden the man is very intimidated. "I don't want you for my doctor," he says. Turner says he doesn't have any choice. So this is what they call "managed care." Turner tells the man that he needs vascular surgery and that nobody else is around to perform it. If he is transferred or waits for another doctor, he'll lose a leg. The man asks what the chances are that he will wake up from the surgery. "Do you honestly think I would jeopardize my career for someone like you?" Turner asks. "Do it," the racist cop says. On his way to OR, Turner runs into Officer James, the black cop who stood idly by that morning. Much dirty looking is exchanged.
In the OR, the doctors start comparing notes on times that they've been stopped by cops for being black. Turner tells his story, Williams tells another story and the consensus is it's happened to all of them. Nurse Peeler tells the most dramatic story about being stopped and humiliated by a cop at a mall. "Up yours, Officer Elliott," she tells the unconscious man on the table. "Amen," Williams says. This, I imagine, is much better than group therapy. Turner asks for music and some anti-cop rap music is played. Amen, I think. Fade to black and white on Turner bobbing his Kufi-adorned head to the music.
Night in the city: We come in to Ed O'Malley's administrative wonderland office where Price is bitching about the dirty trick Ron Harris pulled in that meeting. O'Malley, who is packing it in for the night, has a sudden change of character. He tells her he warned Price about Harris and then rails on her for asking him to fight all of her battles. "Don't come running to daddy every time you get a bloody nose," he tells her, bluntly. Screw daddy -- I'm quite sure that if Vivica ever got a bloody nose, there's be like fifteen makeup people there in a second to fix it for her. O'Malley exits, leaving Price behind to sulk.
At Papa Patterson's house, Dad opens the front door to find a stray Beastie Boy -- er, "Dr. Weiss," there. Papa Patterson says Weiss isn't allowed in, even if Papa Patterson did kind of like "Hey Ladies." Weiss counsels Dad on what the PSA level means and says that unless he has the rectal exam he'll never know for sure. Weiss acknowledges that Patterson may require surgery. "Are you afraid of impotency?" Weiss asks, as if there is a man walking the earth who is totally okay with the concept. Patterson comes outside and tells Weiss to keep his voice down. They go back and forth until Weiss mentions Papa Patterson's wife and daughter. He smarts off at the mouth quite a lot and goes so far as to say that the man is already impotent even without the surgery (metaphorically speaking). Stepmama Patterson comes outside, greets Weiss, and asks if he wants to join them for dinner. Weiss risks the wrath of Papa by accepting the invitation and walking smugly into the house.
Dinner at the International House of Awkward Conversation: Weiss compliments the cook while Papa Patterson glowers. Papa brings up the urologist that Weiss mentioned. He grudgingly agrees to an exam, then abruptly leaves the table. Nurse Patterson and Weiss walk outside, where she is ecstatic. Looks like they're a happy couple again. She expresses hope that things will get better. She also likes the fact that Weiss has guts. So do I -- heck, let's all just give Weiss a big hand. He's a great guy and he can rap the mike like none other. They hug. Again.
At the hospital, all the black doctors are gathered around the recovering white racist cop as if they're going to kick him around a bit. Instead, they reveal a quite neat scar on his leg. The cop looks very, very uncomfortable. He asks Turner for a quick word. What follows is a bizarre, hackneyed attempt at racial conciliation that ends (to paraphrase Harlan Ellison) like sex with the pantyhose still on: Unsatisfying. The cop argues that he has to protect himself from the criminals out there. Turner asks, "How do I protect myself from you?" Arguments range from "there's a war going on out there!" to "is that the price to pay for being black?" Turner says he has no time for lame excuses and gives a spiel about treating all his patients like human beings. The cop points out that Turner has to be enjoying being in his current position of power over the ailing police officer. Turner gets the last word by saying that if he needs treatment later, not to call for "Doc" or "Leroy." Instead, ask for Dr. Benjamin Turner, and he'll come running. Got that, ladies? "Dr. Benjamin Turner," and he'll come running straight to your house.
Later in Turner's office: Price walks in to possibly do one last big of damage to her credibility before the day is done. She mentions the cop and Turner cynically says he gave the man a lecture in Racism 101. Turner says that he likes working at the hospital because within those walls, he earns respect. Outside, he's just a man who gets stopped by cops. Price apologizes for "being right," which doesn't sound like an apology at all. She says that's how she lost Turner the first time and she doesn't want it to happen again. They kiss and all is forgiven. I mean, except for the racist cop that everybody still hates. They agree to go eat at Lucy's. "But I'll drive," Price says. Oh dear lord, please let this be the end of the episode. "Funny," Turner mutters and I pray that he will be offered some sort of movie contract where he doesn't have to listen to Vivica's lame line reads.
They exit, and Steven Bochco's name comes up as I breathe a sigh of relief. End of episode, end of ham-handed handling of racial issues. See you week when an ethical debate ensues (no joke) over treating a dog in the hospital. Can't wait. ["You don't have to: It was on ER like three episodes ago." -- Wing Chun] Oh, and don't forget to add your Ron Harris haiku to the graveyard-like forums. Post well and often.