Previously on City of Angels: Dr. Turner was in a tizzy because his broom-closet buddy Dr. Lilian Price was accepting a job at UCLA; Ron Harris got mad at Price for the umpteenth time, a severed hand found its way into a diabetic meal; and we got all kinds of foreshadowing for this week's heavy make-out session between Price and Turner. Two more pages, kids, and you'll get to hear about some Vivica Fox-on-Blair Underwood action!
Shout outs to Wing Chun and Pamie -- keep ya heads up, yo! My dear friend Heather Cocks wasn't able to make it over this week, so I've fashioned a crude puppet made of granite and bamboo to take Heather's place. I shall call her Bamboo Heather.
Gospel vocals up on a helicopter shot of an early-morning L.A. skyline. We pan to Angels of Mercy hospital, then go inside to see a tiny stegosaurus pressed up against a window. This stegosaurus is being held by a very large man, who is holding the hand of another man. They are father and son. As they walk through the waiting room, everybody stands up in shock. We come around to reveal the older man has a large hatchet lodged in his skull. If it weren't for Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? somebody from Fox would be running in to sign him for his own reality special. The Hatchet Man politely pushes someone aside and whispers to the attendant, "I'd like to see a doctor." The attendant, who's busy with some of Dr. Price's prescribed paperwork, tells him to keep his trousers on. Then she looks up and reacts less than hospitably. "Oh that's funny," she says, thinking it's a prank. "My dad, he hurt," the younger man says. The attendant begins to realize it is indeed a real hatchet whacked into a real skull, and gets up to find a doctor. A policeman comes in to see what the hubbub is about. "Holy moley!" he says. "Help my daddy," the obviously mentally-challenged younger man tells him. The policeman calls the ER, requesting a chair (nine out ten members of the LAPD recommend sitting after trauma to the head), then starts pushing onlookers back, lest they disturb Hatchet Man, who has a benign, pleasant smile on his face as if he was just told his value meal will be super-sized for free. An attendant wheels in a chair and does a double take when he sees the hatchet. "Damn," he says. He carefully gets the man into the chair, then tells the son to let go. "It's alright Leon," Hatchet Man says, patting Leon's stegosaurus-holding hand. They wheel out Daddy, hatchet-first, into the OR. Leon begins crying, shouting, "I want my daddy!" The policeman tries to restrain Leon, but is pushed through a glass door. Leon blubbers some more and is tackled by four burly police officers and orderlies who just happened to be waiting for somebody to grab onto. "Did you see that?" I ask Bamboo Heather. A piece of her falls off and lands in my glass of V-8 Splash.
Turner enters the emergency room where Dr. Williams is waiting to tell him about Mabry Matthews, a.k.a. The Axe Man. Williams says that except for the obvious, the man seems okay. Nurse Patterson says that about three to four inches of the axe is stuck in the man's head. Turner corrects both me and Patterson: "Hatchet. Axes are bigger." Sure, whatever. Just keep it secular, Dr. Turner. Turner gets everybody to step aside. Mabry the Hatchet Man, who looks so incredibly friendly that you just want to nuzzle him by the hatchet handle, says he'd like to see his son. Williams reports that the forty-year-old son, Leon, broke a window by throwing a police officer into it. Mabry says his son is sensitive and that he can't leave the boy alone. Turner examines the wound with a pen light to confirm that yes, this guy's got a friggin' hatchet in his head. Dr. Weiss, who never actually says anything, stands by watching, with his arms crossed. This is what he and his fellow Beastie Boys call "Representin'." Turner asks Mabry not to move his head. He says, "This may sound like a silly question, but are you feeling any pain?" "Just a little headache," the man says. Bamboo Heather giggles. The man says he'd like some aspirin. Turner says he'll get him something for the pain, but that it's important that he not take anything orally. Like, say, a hatchet. Mabry says he feels very calm, and Turner says that some of the frontal lobe may have been severed. "You mean like a lobotomy," Weiss says, right to the patient's face. "Partial lobotomy, yeah," Turner responds. While Turner examines the patient's ears (for what, hatchet wax?) Mabry tells the story of what happened. After a movie, he and his son came home and there were "bad guys" in the house. His son, who (he says) is gentle as a lamb, couldn't do anything. Mabry chased them to the backyard, and thing you know, dad's got a hatchet in his head: "Am I going to die?" Turner says that Mabry has beaten a lot of odds to get this far, and the prognosis is pretty good. Turner asks about any family they might call. Mabry says that he has a sister, but that she doesn't want anything to do with them. And not just because of the hatchet. Mabry again asks the doctors to bring Leon over. Walking off, Weiss tells Turner that this must be a case for the record books. But not the Nielsen record books. Ha ha ha ha! Oh, I kid City of Angels about its ratings. Turner says he's seen a similar case before involving an ice pick, but not with Sharon Stone. In that case, when they took out the ice pick, the patient suffered massive cranial bleeding and died. Like the hatchet, it was holding in all the heady goodness. Dr. Williams has done a neurosurgery rotation, so it looks like he'll be performing the honors. Turner orders a CT and tells Williams that whatever he does, he should not touch the hatchet. They also have to shoo away some people who are taking photos with a pleasant Mabry.
Cut to the hallway, where the ultra-dapper Ron Harris is escorting the Jayko committee. They are: an overweight Wilford Brimley-esque man, a black woman and an Asian man. CBS executives are at this moment writing a press release touting this minority casting coup. Wilford Brimley sarcastically complains that Harris is bugging them and that they want to be left alone. Wilford grabs a muffin, bites into it and tells Harris to pretend they've got a restraining order against him and that if he comes closer than three hundred feet, the hospital will lose its accreditation. Harris laughs it off, because surely nobody would diss the ultra-dapper Ron Harris, but he leaves. The committee divvies up its inspection duties. Harris, who is still hanging around, is told to shoo. He goes away and then comes back, unwelcomed, an apt metaphor for what summer reruns of City of Angels will be like. Viewer's note: Ron Harris is a sneaky man. Dapper, but sneaky. Make no mistake.
Wilford Brimley is talking to Nurse Peeler and her staff. Pointing to a jar of candies, he says that there should be no food outside of the cafeteria and on patient trays. Peeler says that since the jar is sealed and the candy individually wrapped, she thought it would be all right. Wilford takes a lollipop and eats it. Dr. Brimley points out a surgical board that's hanging in the hallway for all to see. He says it's a violation of privacy where anybody could see that a patient is having a testicle removed. He says to remove the board from view immediately. Other than that, the department passes. Peeler and the other nurses give each other high-fives. Then they groan: "Oh no, it's the ultra-dapper Ron Harris and he's coming this way." Harris asks how it went. They tell him. He says of the board, "Move it, dammit, move it!"
up is the morgue, where Wilford Brimley, Wendell the morgue attendant and Connie Guatarama, the sassy assistant, are going through procedures. Little-known fact revealed: Bodies without toes are difficult to toe-tag. Good to know. Wilford Brimley finds a sandwich in a drawer. He asks if he can eat the pickle. Dr. Brimley looks in the freezer and asks for the files of the four bodies. Connie opens a big, messy file cabinet. Wilford takes a bag of chips she's holding and starts eating. He tells her he read a story about a pig that was accidentally sent to a mortuary recently (two episodes ago, to be exact). He starts chewing them out (along with the chips) over their disorganization. Connie asks for her bag of chips back. She goes all Rosie Perez on him: "You-are-eating...all of my po-ta-to chips!" She calls him a fatso, too. Wilford Brimley gets mad, pointing a finger at her, and mispronouncing her name "Guantanamera," before he starts gasping and holding his chest. He says they need to call the ER because he's having a heart attack. Connie calls in the heart attack only to be greeted with laughter. Ha ha, morgue humor.
Price, Weiss and Patterson are gathered around Dr. Brimley as he clutches an oxygen mask and does his best Dennis Hopper impression. Brimley is very belligerent, refusing to be treated by trainees and demanding the Chief of Surgery. Harris walks in with Turner, who is sporting a nice Kufi hat with a brown diamond patttern. Turner takes charge. Harris says they'll run lots of tests. Wilford Brimley, who sounds like he's all hopped up on sugary oatmeal, demands an angiogram and threatens to shut the hospital down if he doesn't get one. Harris takes Turner aside and says to give the man what he wants. If the man dies, Harris reasons, they'll get a bad grade. Turner acquiesces. Harris says it's the worst day of his life, just as they wheel Mabry the Hatchet Man by. "I think his is worse, Ron," Turner says. Harris thinks, "He may have a hatchet in his head, but even worse, he's not ultra-dapper like me." Fade to ultra-dapper black and white.
In a commercial, John Goodman is pitching a big, greasy bacon cheddar Whopper. That's where the angiogram should be going. Roma Downey is using her scary eyebrows to convince parents to use the V-chip.
We come back to a padded room. Literally, a padded room where Dr. Jackson enters to see Leon, who is huddled in a corner in hopes of inhaling a little bit of Angelina Jolie from Girl, Interrupted. No, wait. That would be me. Anyhoo, Dr. Arthur Jackson takes a deep breath, then introduces himself. Jackson brings out the Stegosaurus toy and slowly brings it to Leon, who grabs it with one of his restrained hands. "Steggy," Leon says, laughing. Leon asks if he has to go to jail. Jackson says he doesn't know, but offers to undo the restraints. There's a tense moment where it looks like he might attack Jackson, but instead he happily throws his arms around Jackson. Jackson asks if they can be friends. Leon responds by playfully growling at Jackson, gesticulating with Steggy. A nicely acted scene follows with Jackson asking about dinosaurs, a subject Leon knows a lot about. Leon says that his dad has germs just like the ones that made the dinosaurs extinct. "My daddy gonna die and I hafta go to Boys Town." Okay, by this point, both Bamboo Heather and I are getting a little teary-eyed. Bamboo Heather offers me a Kleenex, but I don't need it yet. Jackson continues asking about the germs and about the hatchet attack. Leon gets all fidgety and shushes himself. Leon says he's not supposed to talk or he'll get a whuppin'. "Who whips you?" Jackson asks. Leon breaks down, saying his dad did it because he was bad. Bamboo Heather starts crying, little pieces of bamboo falling off and littering the couch. Leon says he was scared and didn't mean to do it. "Do what?" Jackson asks. Leon was going to get sent away because his father couldn't take care of him anymore. So he got scared and mad and hit his father with the hatchet "on a accident." Jackson looks surprised and sad, but holds it together much better than that surgery wuss Dr. Williams. Leon blubbers some more. Jackson tells him he doesn't have to go to Boys Town. Leon cries, "Don't let him die, don't let him die," and now everybody in my house, from the Bamboo Heather puppet to the cat, is crying. A telemarketerr calls to sell me some long-distance service and she starts crying. It's emotional, is all I'm sayin'.
Speaking of crying wusses, we go to Williams, as he and Jackson sit in with Mabry the Whuppin' Hatchet Dad on a police interview. Mabry maintains that he was whacked by a burglar and that whatever his son says is a lie. Except the part about not letting Dad die. That should be noted as truth. Jackson rolls his eyes. Mabry doesn't know what the burglar looked like, what with it being dark and the fact that he just had an unauthorized lobotomy and all. Jackson says that Leon was making lots of sense, but Mabry denies everything. The cop says "best for the boy, best for the boy" and Mabry says "deny, deny, deny." The cop leaves, frustrated, ("donut, donut, donut"), so Jackson is left with Daddy Hatchet. "Your son has a good heart, but I believe he did this to you," he says. Mabry tells Jackson to mind his own beeswax, but Jackson knows a secret: Mabry has prostate cancer. Untreated prostate cancer that has had two years to develop. Mabry says he was just hoping he would get better by himself and that Leon can't live alone. The doctors wheel Mabry away for a CT while Jackson does some power emoting, showing the conflict of a doctor who desperately wants to do the right thing. Or it could be that he forgot his line. One of the two.
Turner comes back into the ER and tells Wilford Brimley that his tests came back negative -- what he has is probably gastrointestinal. "You people are hacks!" the patient says angrily, and all of the City of Angels staff writers look up and go "huh?" before Steven Bochco whacks them on the head with a rolled-up newspaper so they'll get back to work. Brimley again threatens that the hospital will lose accreditation if they don't get him to the heart lab immediately. Harris tells Turner to comply and Turner backs down while Wilford Brimley continues puffing on the oxygen mask.
Cut to Breakfast Cart Guy, my favorite bit of comic relief, who is rolling down the hallway wearing a big, pointy ski hat. He runs into one of the Jayko committee members who is wearing a really, really loud yellow business suit. I mean, this thing is so loud that the hatchet in Mabry's skull is reverberating from the sound waves coming off this suit. Breakfast Cart Guy notices this too, because when she stops him to ask questions, he smiles goofily at her. She asks him to point out the nearest fire extinguisher, which he's able to do: it's down the hall, to the left. She asks what he would do if there were a fire. He gives a very correct answer about coordinating a patient transfer with the nurses. But because he's comic relief, he adds, "But it would be a whole lot easier if we all had yellow canary suits like yours so we could fly out the window." He then makes chirping sounds. Bamboo Heather laughs, but then again she's made of bamboo and granite.
Dr. Williams is measuring Mabry's head hatchet with a little wussy piece of measuring tape that looks like it came out of a sewing kit. Have I mentioned that Williams is a bit on the wussy side? A bit light in the wuss? If he were a big juicy steak, he's be marinated in Wusscestershire sauce. Anyway, Williams says that they've tried everything to get Mabry into the CAT scan machine, but he and the hatchet won't fit. Wiliams says the prostate cancer also complicated the procedure, so Turner suggests a new process that will lower the risk of renal failure. It sounded like an interesting process, but I missed exactly what the procedure was because I was still trying to think of ways to say that Williams is a wuss.
Turner goes outside where Ron Harris and the infinitely less dapper Wilford Brimley are waiting to get in for their own scan. Turner says a more pressing case is keeping them waiting. Brimley gets mad and says he minds very much being kept waiting. Mabry is wheeled out and rather than show some doctorly compassion, Dr. Brimley loses it, upset that he is being bumped for "some bum" who got into a hatchet fight on the street. I must have missed the Dateline NBC report on hatchet-based gang warfare. Turner gets really, really mad and says that it is Wilford Brimley who is the bum in this scenario. He goes on to call him a spoiled, rotten, self-centered bureaucrat. More accreditation threats. Turner tells him to take those accreditation threats and stick them "up [his] ass." Harris gets in Turner's face, but is rebuffed when Turner gives a speech about the hospital belonging to Mabry and all of his hatchet-injured contemporaries. The speech is nice, but what follows isn't: Wilford Brimley begins letting loose a stream of flatulence that reminds us of Blazing Saddles, but without the funny. "Heart attack my ass," Turner says as we fade to black and white for the least dramatic reason in television history. Flatulence follows us to commercial.
Back to Mabry and his hatchet. He's asking to see his son. Williams tries to stall for time, but Mabry is quick: He grabs the hatchet handle and says he'll end it right now. Dr. Wussy Williams caves like Batman's lair and goes to get Leon.
Jackson enters the padded room to take Leon to his father. He ruins the fun immediately by asking what Leon would do if his father died. Leon reacts in horror and denial. Jackson offers to take Leon to see dad. Jackson and Leon have another nice moment as Jackson makes friends with the larger man. "Pals," Leon says, all Of Mice and Men-style. They hold hands as they walk out of the padded room.
Leon is led in to see his father. Much heartwarming ensues as the two bond over Leon's new friend. Mabry even says hello to Steggy because he's just that kind of dad, lobotomy or not. Leon plays with his dad's hand. Mabry says he can't feel it, and immediately the doctors scramble because he's bleeding intercranially. Leon starts screaming and crying. Jackson grabs his hand and calms his down as they wheel Mabry to surgery. Fade to black and white on Jackson comforting Leon.
In the operating room, Williams is taking over. He cuts out a flap of skull and starts examining. That's all we get.
Price walks into the dapper offices of Ron Harris where Wilford Brimley is waiting. He goes on a rant about everything that happened, being careful not to mention his amazing flatulence. After a rant about the "Kafkaesque" filing system and all of the flaws of the hospital, he does a little turnaround and says how it's the best damn dirty, inefficient, creaky hospital he's ever seen, even if one of their surgeons is a little bit wussy for his taste. How reassuring for the patients. "Only a fool would shut you down," he says, while I'm wondering how big a fool you'd have to be to get treated there. He congratulates Price for winning accreditation. She gives a big, happy sigh of relief. "Fix everything before I come back or I will shut you down," he says, and goes off to ride into the sunset of character-acting history.
Williams is still at it, and even offers to step aside to let a more experienced surgeon take over. Williams gets to keep going, and he removes the hatchet himself. There's not much bleeding, so things go smoothly. Williams checks the man's sinuses via the back of his head, and closes up. Score one for Williams.
Price is in her office as the window tells us it's nighttime. Edwin O' Malley stops in to dispense with the few lines he's been given. He congratulates Price on the accreditation and tells her to start packing for UCLA. Price has an official change of heart because she's happy, even making half the money than she would at UCLA. She says she doesn't care about that and that she loves working at Angels of Mercy. O' Malley blathers about watching people's train of life derail. Price says she's made her decision and as O' Malley walks out (residual check secured? check), Price looks content.
Back in the more interesting side of this week's episode, Mabry and Leon are having a father-to-son moment. Mabry is all bandaged up. He says he's not going to send Leon away and that they're going to be together forever. Bamboo Heather and I both get chills as Williams and Jackson, who've been listening, go out into the hall to talk. "Arthur, the man is talking about a murder/suicide!" Williams says. "What are we supposed to do?" Jackson asks. Williams paints some gruesome scenarios about what's going to happen. Jackson counters by saying that Leon will be dead no matter what they do. Wait, this just ain't right. Jackson goes on, saying that the murder/suicide will be quick and merciful. Jackson, who is now taking the Of Mice and Men thing way too far, says there's nothing they can do. I'm no MD, but I think that goes against every principle there is in the world of doctoring. "What if there's nothing to save?" Jackson says, and now he's insulted every mentally challenged person in the world. Bamboo Heather gets so mad she storms off to the kitchen where her crude bamboo head falls into the sink.
Jackson goes back in and tells Leon, "Am I your pal? Let's go for a walk." I'm looking to see if he's carrying a pistol behind his scrubs. Leon and Mabry smile at each other angelically and it's just too perfect, except for the fact that it's all disturbing and wrong. Leon takes Jackson's hands and says, "Are we gonna play with the stegosaurus and the triceratops?" "You bet," Jackson answers. It is at this point that John Steinbeck, all gooey from the grave, walks in and, one by one, slaps everyone involved with this scene.
That scene just left a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry about that. Let me collect myself, as...
Dr. "Blair Underwood" Turner is doing exactly what I imagine Blair Underwood does on a Wednesday night -- sipping on red wine, wearing some jeans and a nice red shirt, listening to Stevie Wonder in his tastefully decorated home, and just looking like the most suave, available man to ever walk the Earth in a Kufi hat. Ron Harris has got nothing on Turner's sheer dapper suavitude. Bamboo Heather manages to get her head back on and runs back to watch. The doorbell rings. "Be right there," he says, to no one in particular. Now who could it be at this hour, ringing the doorbell of a successful, attractive chief of surgery? Kufi delivery service? Nah, it's nighttime. Must be...yes, it is. Lilian Price, my, my, my. Oh yes. Hello, nurse. I mean, doctor. Damn. Lookin' fine.
(None of these things are actually said, but this scene is about using your imagination to get the most out of this brief, but tasteful Blair Underwood make-out scene.)
Hello, Lilian. You're looking...well. Well, well, well. Come on in. Wine? I just happen to have a bottle open. Music? Oh, I just happen to have some Stevie Wonder playing. Something I could do to cheer you up? Oh, I forgot, you won the accreditation today, good for you. Well, now that all that's out of the way, I think I'll just put aside this interior monologue and actually say something. "What's going on?" Turner says, and yes, Marvin Gaye is smiling somewhere up in heaven. Turner and Price talk about the accreditation thing and each compliments the other on the day's massive success. Turner brings up UCLA. She says she turned it down. "I'm in love, Ben," she says, which perks him up considerably. "I'm in love with Angels of Mercy," she continues. Turner looks understandably disappointed, because why would anybody choose a crummy old hospital over a sexy, hunky Chief of Surgery? Turns out she's not choosing at all. "And I'm in love with you...Ben Turner," she says, turning on her best, seductive gaze as Turner gulps his wine in surprise. Turner puts his wine down, pulls Price over and thus begins some kissing. Each scene is supposed to be its own paragraph, but let's be honest: Turner is about to take off his shirt and every lady I know would consider that its own scene. So...
Kissing from the left angle. Kissing from the right angle. Price helps Turner remove that starchy, hot, itchy shirt and we see Ben Turner/Blair Underwood in all his unshirted glory. You know what? Nice torso. The kissing becomes more frenzied as Turner and Price twist around, still standing. The light plays delicately off of Turner's sculpted arms. Price runs her hands down Ben's chest, channeling the desire of every single woman and a few single men I know. We cut to a wider shot of the two in an embrace. Turner turns her (tee hee) toward the couch and carries her down onto it as we fade to black and white over Stevie Wonder's gorgeous voice. Bamboo Heather is thoroughly distraught that the scene is over, but she still manages to light a cigarette. Some of her bamboo catches fire and I have to stamp her out with a magazine.
Blair Underwood: The world thanks you.