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The way my DVR describes this episode is, "Larissa offers Carrie and internship at her magazine. Meanwhile, Donna blackmails Maggie; Dorrit and Tom attend The Nutcracker; George misreads Carrie's motives after the school dance; and Mouse attributes her slipping grades to her romance with Seth." I know what you're thinking, how can they fit all that plot into one hour? Well, let me tell you, most of these plotlines don't matter at all. In fact, let's just leave it at "Dorrit and Tom attend The Nutcracker" for that one.
The main issue at hand is Carrie's: how to make two uncomplicated situations more complicated for my Diaries? She is working a boring/crappy, unpaid internship at her father's friend's law firm, then gets offered an opportunity to do pretty much whatever she wants at her favorite magazine. Despite her father's wishes to guilt her into staying at her internship and become a lawyer, Carrie wants to write things and work for vapid people.
The other dilemma for Carrie is one of the heart. She is dating George, a slimy rich guy, but is attracted to Sebastian, who is also a slimy rich guy. Sebastian is a bit more her speed, though, and they keep bumping into each other. But Sebastian is dating Donna LeDonna, who is awful. There's also this Winter Dance that everyone's making a big deal about. In the 1980s, everything goes down at the school dance.
Mouse is taking Seth to the dance, even though she was too busy having sex with him to study and got an unacceptable B+ on a test as a result. Mouse tries to do some extra credit, under a teacher's preposterous demands, but fails to turn it in on time so she breaks up with Seth so they can be doctors some day. They will probably be horny doctors, though, like the ones on Grey's Anatomy.
Walt has the chicken pox for this episode, so Maggie is taking a stand and going to the dance by herself. She ends up getting drunk and having sex with that cop again, but Donna LeDonna sees and tries to use it as leverage to enlist Maggie's help in keeping Carrie and Sebastian apart. This lasts all of two minutes before Maggie cracks and tells Carrie everything.
Carrie dances and kisses George in front of Sebastian to make him jealous at the dance, and it works. But once she's alone with horny George in the limo, Carrie realizes what a huge mistake she's made. George tries to pressure her into sex, then a blowjob, and Carrie breaks up with him like she should. Then, Carrie decides to take the internship at Interview, somehow, even though no one knows she's a high school student and it seems like Larissa is very disorganized.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Carrie keeps insisting to us that George is "hot." She says it's nice to have a hot boyfriend to keep things warm (gross) when you're in Manhattan in the winter. George isn't really that hot, but he is rich, and money keeps you real warm. Also, I thought Carrie's internship had her in Manhattan just on Friday afternoons. So what is George doing?
Oh, back in '80s high school, on a day that is not Friday, Carrie is falling down stairs and being caught by Sebastian. This allows her to make a Mary Lou Retton joke ("Hey, it's the '80s, you probably forgot because we haven't done a good enough job of distinguishing the trends of the '80s from the trends of today because we still want our characters to look good!"). Could she be falling for more than just the floor? By the way, I challenge anyone to actually catch someone falling down the stairs. It's not like that.
So George, the rich pervert, brings Carrie to work so he can suggest role-play while she licks stamps for his specific pleasures. Carrie doesn't want "Bitchy Barbara" to see her with her boyfriend at work because she wants to be seen as a professional like Barbara. Then, destroying everything she spent years building, Barbara runs in an hour and a half late, with her hair a mess, wearing the scarf Carrie gave her four episodes ago tossed over her shoulders.
Barbara, who I don't think is really a bitch, spent the night at her date's house and is delighted to be having real, adult, city sex. Enthralled in Carrie's lives and the lives of people in her periphery, Mouse and Maggie discuss Barbara's exploits at the diner. I really wish they would stop calling her "Bitchy Barbara." They all agree that it's sad for Barbara to be blowing off work for a guy at her age.
In a clever little nod to SATC, Carrie says that she hopes Mouse or Maggie will smother her with a pillow if she's still dating and talking about guys at age 30. They assume they will all be married by 30, and they also assume they will still be friends. They could not be more wrong.
"I can't believe we all have great boyfriends," Carrie muses, which can only mean that some things will go wrong, like Maggie finding out her great boyfriend is gay. The Winter Dance is coming up, so Carrie needs to ask George to flaunt him in front of Sebastian. Mouse is taking Seth, her older boyfriend. But enough about Mouse, let's talk more about Carrie and how she's still in love with Sebastian.
Donna LeDonna walks in, just to be a bitch to Carrie. Now there's someone who deserves to be called "bitchy." She thanks Carrie for taking Sebastian in on Thanksgiving, something Carrie has neglected to tell George about, and then she refers to her friends as "The Jens." They don't seem to mind. They also don't seem to mind not having any lines.
Meanwhile, in the dark recesses of a terrible subplot, Tom discovers tickets to The Nutcracker that his wife ordered for her and Dorrit before she died. Tom has no idea what to do with the tickets, but we all know he has to honor the tradition and bond with Dorrit. Should any more time be wasted on this story line? Dorrit is excited about the ballet, and even to go with Carrie, but is back to being sulky when Tom suggests he take her. Maybe their trip to the ballet will end in a Lifetime-esque Christmas Car Accident.
At school, Donna and Maggie have a cute conversation about who is more alpha. They are both not very realistic characters, so this scene must have been a lot of fun to write. Maggie is going to the dance alone because Walt has the chicken pox. Donna thinks it's tragic to go to a dance alone, and notes that she is always the best thing in the room. I envy Donna LeDonna's confidence. I also like the way she talked about her and Sebastian "burnin' it slow on the dance floor."
OK, now we have this scene where Carrie and Larissa are going over the pages for Interview Magazine. The timeline is more realistic than when Carrie said they were going to shoot pictures of her purse in September for the coming issue. The rest of the details are a problem. Larissa presents Carrie with the pages, which have a picture of her purse and an accompanying story. The headline is, "Painted Purse Makes a Big Splash." I don't even know where to begin. Good job, Carrie, you made it into this magazine that is obviously bullshit. It is probably one big con, run by Larissa, who is a grifter.
Carrie suggests a revised title: "A Pollack for Your Purse; This Splatter Painted Look Will Soon Be Splattered All over New York City." A little wordy, but Larissa loves everything Carrie says or does, so she writes it all over the page in red. Larissa suggests that Carrie should be a writer, then just offers her a job.
"You'd fit right in. First you come up with this brilliant purse, then you spice it up with an equally brilliant caption, you inspired my photo shoot, you'd be absolutely fantastic." Yeah, because doing whatever at this fake magazine is totally a real job. Just work a little bit in every department, Carrie, and everyone will respect you because you're so young.
Carrie says she's caught between two boys (not exactly) and two jobs (not at all). There is no reason for Carrie to have to keep her unpaid internship at the law firm. Oh, except that the people who work there know she is a high school student. Larissa hasn't seemed to figure that out yet. So yeah, Larissa just offered Carrie a real job out of her ass, and Carrie is now talking to Maggie, trying to figure out if she can work that job one day a week. This is not how the world works. Ever.
Speaking of things that don't happen in the real world, Mouse is devastated over a B+ on a test because she never gets less than an A+. A+ isn't really a grade, so it must stand for Asian stereotype +. Mouse didn't study because she was knocking boots with Seth, and she immediately realizes her hypocrisy in criticizing Barbara.
Through conversation, Larissa's job offer turns into an internship offer, and Carrie stresses out about disappointing her dad because he got her the law office internship. I'm sure Tom is too worried about sitting to his daughter at the ballet to be bothered with any of this. This conversation happens at the counter instead of the booth, to show that Carrie is caught between the varying opinions of her two friends.
Carrie has an awkward conversation with Sebastian about Thanksgiving, and its purpose is to build chemistry. The result of the scene is everyone who had to watch it being a little more annoyed.
Carrie tries to talk to her dad about the internship, but he interjects with a guilt trip. He had to work really hard to get her that internship and the firm had never let a high schooler work there before and people would kill to have to do grunt work in a law office and not get paid for it. So Carrie says nothing, except how happy she is to have met George through her job (d'oh). Tom says he likes helping people, as a lawyer, and mentions that he was wrong about Sebastian. He seems like an alright kid, Tom says. Then he basically says he really wants her to become a lawyer and he thinks it would be cool for them to do the same thing. Then Larissa calls, reveals she has no idea what day it is, and tells Carrie to take the job that is now an internship. Carrie should find out if anyone else works there.
At school, Mouse approaches her teacher, Mrs. Holzman, about her B+. The teacher tells Mouse that a B+ is hardly a bad grade. Mouse begs her for a re-test or some extra credit, so Mrs. Holzman agrees. She then pulls some extra credit out of her bag because she always carries around extra assignments, and tells Mouse to have it on her desk by 8:00 that night because she's chaperoning the dance. She seemed understanding for a second, but when Mouse complains of the extra assignment's length and the unreasonable time constraints to finish it within, Mrs. Holzman turns into a complete bitch and is like, "less talking, more homeworking." And they say you can't write a TV show in a day.
It's the night of the Winter Formal, and Carrie receives an advance copy of Interview with a note from Larissa saying, "this could all be yours!" Is Larissa offering Carrie a made up position as Editor in Chief?
Even though it's 1984, no one is wearing a hideous 1980s formal dress. I am disappointed. Maggie and Seth go to spike the punch as Mouse hides somewhere to do her homework. Meanwhile, at The Nutcracker, Dorrit is being difficult and Tom is like, "Shhh, teenage daughters, yikes."
Back at the dance, Maggie is bummed to be alone during a slow song, and George is trying to get Carrie drunk. Sebastian and Donna roll in and meet George. Donna plays it exactly right. Maggie is leaving the dance, and Office HotBody is there patrolling the outside of the school. He also wants to make out with Maggie, who is drunk and lonely, so she consents. Mouse gets to her teacher's office at 8:07 and the door is locked; she slides the assignment under the door, then gets caught by the janitor trying to break in to turn in her homework.
Back in the gym, George tells Carrie how incredibly sexy she is. Ughhhhhhh stop. Sebastian watches them slow dance angrily. Carrie confronts Sebastian about staring at them, and Sebastian confronts her about trying to make him jealous. Carrie goes to make out with George to prove she doesn't care about Sebastian, and Donna sees Sebastian looking hurt as Carrie and George leave to do some heavy petting in the limo.
At the ballet, Tom has fallen asleep and Dorrit is upset. She is embarrassed and tells Tom she knew he wouldn't get it because he doesn't get anything. He tells her he's trying, but then admits that he is resenting her. He makes Dorrit feel bad enough to admit that she feels weird now that it's just her dad.
Back at Mrs. Holzman's office, Mrs. Holzman admits that since Mouse is such a good kid she probably really was just trying to turn in the assignment. Mouse asks if this means she can have the extra credit and Mrs. Holzman is all, "cut your losses and take the B+. You turned the assignment in late." What a jerk. You are what's wrong with public school, Mrs. Holzman.
Donna LeDonna has also decided to cut her losses, and goes outside to toss her empty bottle of booze into the bushes. She catches Maggie getting out of the cop car, obviously having just had sex inside it, parked right in front of the school. Maggie tells Officer SexBang it will never happen again, then denies him a kiss. Donna confronts Maggie about it drunkenly in the hallway, and blackmails Maggie to keep Carrie away from Sebastian.
In George's limo, George is groping Carrie and pressuring her into sex. Carrie says no, and George accuses her of "dangling it in front of a guy then not giving it up." Carrie tells him she's a virgin, and George says even though most guys hate that, he's totally cool with it. He sucks. George being a complete douche sobers Carrie up really quickly, and she almost allows George to redeem himself until he offers to let her give him a blowjob to get rid of that stiffy. Carrie breaks up with him and exits the limo, but not before George can tell her how good she's got it. This is a great reason to leave that dumb law firm internship.
Back in the hallway, lacing up their sneakers, Maggie tells Carrie that maybe losing her virginity isn't such a big deal and she should probably get back together with George. This is the ultimate coward's move, but Maggie doesn't have much of a personality so I can't say I'm surprised. Elsewhere, Mouse and Seth realize both of their grades have been suffering because of sex. They agree not to hold each other back, and Mouse breaks up with Seth for it. A+ in Girl Power.
Maggie ends up telling Carrie about Officer UndertheShirtOvertheBoobs, and Carrie suggests she talk to Walt. Then Carrie realizes that she has created too much drama in this episode. Maggie encourages Carrie to go for what she really wants: that internship at Interview. Maybe Carrie should also tell Larissa that she's a high school student, while she's at it. No word on that yet, but Carrie decides to take the internship at Interview, where it turns out multiple people work, and is not a drug front.
Oh, in case you were wondering, Tom came back from intermission with Jordan Almonds for Dorrit and everything was OK again.