Carrie's job at the Law Offices of Boring and Plotfiller have her sorting files by color, then carrying stacks of too many files around the office. Someone's gotta carry those files, I suppose. While carrying stacks of files around, Carrie bumps into "a cute guy" named George. It's a classic meet-cute, and Carrie is smart enough to notice that something surreal is happening.
She handles the meeting with grace and the wit most adults can't muster (but not all adults are teenage Carrie Bradshaw. In fact, none of them are, by definition). George is actually some guy who got poison ivy on Carrie when she was four. She shouldn't be expected to remember that, but is right in pointing out that George is pretentious. George, while schmoozing the ever-unscrewable Barbara, asks Carrie to some big fancy City Soiree, because everything good happens to Carrie and even the bad stuff that happens is still pretty good.
That reminds me, I would like to see another Carrie Diaries but about Carrie from the movie Carrie. I guess the movie Carrie serves as that Carrie's Carrie Diaries, what with her coming of age and setting the prom on fire and all with her mind. Maybe that will happen at George's mom's soiree and the show will finally take a turn for the interesting.
We learn at the diner that Carrie said no to the fancy party and her friends are like "buh-HUH?!" Carrie says George is pretentious, his parents are strange, and she just has too much going on. Her friends know what's really going on, though -- it's Sebastian. I'm over Sebastian, so can't Carrie be?
Mouse is talking about Seth, and Maggie mentions that maybe Mouse is bad at sex because he broke up with her right after having it. You know Maggie... always talking about sex. Now that Maggie and Walt have done it, he "wants it all the time." Ugh, I despise this character and any storyline involving her.
Maggie has some good advice for Carrie, though, however misguided. She recommends that Carrie make herself unavailable to Sebastian. Carrie says she doesn't want to play games with him, but then what was that whole reading his private files thing about? Do something evil, Carrie. Or at least get a bucket of pig's blood dumped on you.
Meanwhile, Tom (the dad) calls his awful friend, who is not so busy sexually coercing a woman that he can't answer his giant car phone. Tom can't find his wedding ring and worries he may have lost it at the gym after a squash game. I will forgive that Tom plays squash, but why is he friends with this horrible douchebag? Harlan the Douche jokes about a hot girl named Misty. The woman Harlan is with laughs at this joke. Don't laugh at that non-joke -- you're no better than the rest of us dumb sluts if you do.
This whole wedding ring debacle leads to a discussion of Tom getting "back into the dating game" after, presumably, less than six months. But what does Harlan know of feelings? What does he know of sensitivity? He's just a one-dimensional, straight-up douche. Now let him get back to womanizing, Tom.
On another phone call, Mouse tries to lure Seth over with the promise of sex. Seth doesn't seem that into it, maybe because he knows it's just a smidge illegal. We'll find out soon enough, after Mouse embarrasses herself heeding Maggie's advice no doubt.
Carrie is taking her driver's test from a woman who used to be on Ghostwriter as Jamal's Grandma and is about to nail the parallel parking because she's good at everything, when she sees Sebastian kissing Donna LeDonna. They are not rehearsing for a play. Carrie backs into the sidewalk a little, giving Donna good scare and failing her driver's test.
Sebastian tells Carrie that he and Donna have been hanging out for a week or so. Carrie acts like she doesn't care and overdoes it a little. Then she tries to rub Goony George in Sebastian's face and decides to go to the party for the sake of this show being an hour long. We can't dwell on Tom's search for his wedding ring for the full 43 minutes.
At the department store -- presumably Century 21 where everything happens -- Barbara tells Carrie what's what to prepare her for the "soiree." They keep mentioning that George's mom's name is "Kick" so I guess we have to pay attention to that now. Kick demands that everyone wear a jewel tone and Carrie has been assigned sapphire. Barbara is surprisingly helpful when it comes to helping Carrie climb this Manhattan social ladder.
Ah ha moment: Kick was married to Harlan the Douche. I'm still not sure how Barbara fits into this, but she is showing a less rigid side of herself because someone needed to be in this scene with Carrie. Carrie puts on a beautiful, perfectly fitting dress; Barbara offers some fake jewelry from last year's party to accessorize. Now I see that Harlan owns the law firm. That's how it all fits together, in case anyone is still watching this show or, even less likely, if anyone cares.
Back at the diner, which we care about even less, Mouse and Maggie are talking about sex and whatever. Donna LeDonna walks in with the Jens to be a bitch because it's what she lives for. But hey, the Jens got some lines. They are also bitches. Maggie starts some storyline about staying at the diner to keep Donna and the Jens from sitting there?
Tom and Harlan have a walk and talk. Tom is hung up on his ring still, not anything important like any of the legal casework sitting back at his desk. Harlan notes that his son is "wining and dining" Tom's daughter, and maybe lightly alludes to the fact that he hopes George will get laid. It's all Harlan could want for his son.
In the hallway, Walt and Mouse have a chat about sex and how to properly hold a penis in one's tiny Asian hands.
Keeping it in the family, Tom runs over a woman's foot with his car on the way home. He tends to fixate, this Tom. Anyway, the lady looks like the tampon lady from the grocery store but isn't. They're all the same to me.
Back at the office, Carrie is all ready to go to the soiree. Barbara tells her everything will be fine, as long as she remembers to tell Kick that the canapés are divine and that their Basquiat is so much better than some other asshole's. George shows up in a tuxedo -- uh oh, he forgot to mention that it's formal and Carrie is dressed cocktail. There can only be one solution: MAKEOVER. Please makeover. Not quite makeover, though, as Carrie just makes do with several layers of black/sapphire tutus. Yeah, those were just lying around the office. Classic Carrie Bradshaw.
They arrive at the party and Kick seems perfectly nice, but she invited George's ex, Blythe. I can see that Blythe will be the problem, not Kick. Or perhaps neither of them will prove to be a real problem.
Meanwhile, Mouse and Walt are watching porn... I mean Kama Sutra together. If there's one thing Mouse knows how to do, its study. Maggie, not talking about sex for once, is trying to defend her booth from those bitches. The scene is so inconsequential, I'd rather watch Mouse and Walt try to figure out sex together.
Back at the soiree, Blythe doesn't want to talk about her stint in rehab and some other D-bag thinks the DMV is near the Dominican Republic. They don't know what it is because none of them drive. They all have drivers. Did they mention that they're rich? George is pulled away for a French-speaking emergency and Blythe tells Carrie that some day George will get tired of slumming and go back to her. Now that she's out of rehab and all. Carrie gets up to leave and runs into a waiter, who spills his tray. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to her on this show.
Carrie makes a call to Mouse, who is preparing to sex Seth up. Carrie feels small, and Mouse reassures her that no one in the real world likes jewel-themed parties. That is very sound advice. Carrie's friends are always advising her and sticking up for her, but she never really helps them. She didn't give Mouse any advice on her big moment with Seth. It appears she didn't need it, though.
In a montage between the Mouse and Maggie storylines, there's a funny bit where Mouse takes a clarinet out of harm's way, and a not-so-funny bit where Maggie spills some stuff on Donna to get her seat back. Seth is impressed with Mouse and tells her he's "relieved." But the relief is that Seth has been sleeping around and he thinks Mouse has, too. I hope he wore a condom.
Back at the soiree, Carrie overhears Kick saying mean things about her to George. I'm still shocked that parents care as much as they do about their teenagers' love lives. At least Kick is getting her share out of her divorce from Harlan. Carrie runs away -- like she does with everything -- and George chases after her. Blythe tries to stop him, but George wants more than a butterface fresh out of rehab.
George tells Carrie that he likes her because she can take care of herself and he wants something "real." Does George know Carrie at all? Carrie tells George she doesn't get this world and George is like, "I'm a big dumb goon who doesn't 'get' anything." But Carrie, being in high school, forgives him.
Tom gets the phone number of the woman he ran over, using the old douchebag trick of sharing that his wife died. Harlan was right -- it works every time. Ladies can't wait to meet a nice widower, even if he hits them with his car.
Sebastian shows up at the diner just in time to deliver some more solid gold dialogue. After some nonsense from Maggie about the diner being Carrie's safe place, Sebstian and Donna shared this exchange:
Sebastian: You're better than this.
Donna: Am I?
Sebastian: I like you. Not because you're a bitch but in spite of it.
Way to go, Sebastian, you are the best boyfriend all the time. Speaking of awesome boyfriends, Seth is freaking out about Mouse sleeping with someone else and rocking the double standard pretty hard. This was before Xtina telling us what's what in "Dirrty."
After faking tears to win George over, Kick levels with Carrie. Carrie tells Kick she knows what it's like to go through hard times because she lost her mom to cancer. Then Kick recognizes her as Grace Bradshaw's daughter and tells her she looks just like her. They bond and Kick really warms to Carrie. She tells Carrie about her mom like she died years and years ago, rather than a couple months. Evidently they were friends before they all had kids and Harlan turned into a huge douche.
Carrie passes her driver's test, Maggie got the booth back, and everyone meets in the diner. Seth almost blows up into a jealous rage about Walt, but then Mouse admits that she didn't sleep with Walt or anyone else. Everyone kisses and for once, no one cares about Carrie or what she has to say.
Even though the writing and some of the plots are clumsy, this is the first episode of Carrie Diaries that has rung more true than a Sex and the City relative. It has more heart, as well as the preposterous fashion and luck of our original Carrie Bradshaw. Plus, we're learning where Carrie's tendency to fixate on men comes from.