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Lying is the issue at hand, as Carrie finds herself grounded but wanting to continue living her fabulous and easy life. The Carrie narration (the Carration, if you will) points out every single instance of a bent truth. She's not known for subtlety, this Teen Carrie. Carrie is grounded; Sebastian, Archnemesis Donna LeDonna, and Maggie are horny, Walt is not horny for ladies. Mouse has nothing better to do than spy on Sebastian and report to Carrie.
Sebastian and Donna cross paths at the Country Club. She coyly propositions him, and Mouse tells Carrie about it. Sebastian is quickly caught in a lie, after Donna returns his jacket to him the day at school. Sebastian tells Carrie that even though he "likes to party," he didn't do anything with Donna except smoke pot.
Maggie and Walt, Carrie's other friends, are having their own minor struggle as Maggie wants to have sex but Walt doesn't because he is a closeted homosexual. No one has figured this out yet, in Carrie Diaries land.
At her internship in New York City, Carrie is tempted by Larissa to get away so she can get her purse in a photo shoot for Interview Magazine. Carrie seizes the opportunity when her supervisor, "Bitchy Barbara," asks Carrie to run some errands. Carrie stays at the shoot for a ridiculous montage, and gets back to the office an hour and a half late. Just when we think there will be consequences for our young heroine, it turns out Carrie did everything right and lying serves her very well in this instance.
High on lies, and reaching paranoia about Sebastian and Donna thanks to Mouse, Carrie propositions Sebastian to meet her at the swim club. The swim club is actually a pool, and Carrie and Sebastian actually swim there, so I don't really see the problem except that Dorrit showed up to hang out with Carrie at the pool and Carrie didn't want to so she could practice CPR on Sebastian. I'm really surprised no one used the CPR excuse, but this isn't that kind of show.
So Dorrit, rejected, tells their father about Carrie's dalliance. Dad Bradshaw shows up at the swim club, catching Carrie tongue-kissing Sebastian. It is the one time in this episode about lying that Carrie gets caught in a lie. It's a half-lie, and perhaps Dadshaw acknowledges that, as she is not punished. He asks Carrie not to see Sebastian anymore, because he knows his family and hears he's trouble.
Meanwhile, Maggie doesn't want to wait on Walt anymore, who is waiting at her door to try to pretend she's a man while he puts it in her for the first time. Maggie does stuff, at least heavy petting, with some young cop/sheriff and asks him to hold her, but it doesn't even make sense to do that in a back seat. All this happens while Walt realizes he does not love Maggie "in that way." They break up, thankfully, because there was no joy in that relationship, even for us as viewers.
Carrie and Dorrit are back to getting along. Sebastian is totally fine with Carrie not going out with him, just as he was all along when she was grounded. Carrie, Dorrit, Mouse, and Maggie, end the episode making peanut butter sandwiches and laughing at nothing, because sometimes it's OK to lie to yourself, too.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Carrie and Sebastian are totally into each other, y'all. They are looking into one another's eyes/souls and it is somehow a metaphor for The City. Man Hattan, the not-so-subtle twelfth man on this team, may not have eyes as beautiful and humongous as AnnaSophia Robb's, but it is "honest and totally awesome."
Larissa, Carrie's British black friend, wants to borrow Carrie's purse (which used to belong to her dead mom), for a photo shoot. My god, nothing is all happening so quickly. Carrie, whose life is very immediately perfect, feels like nothing can stop her, " ... except maybe Donna LeDonna and her minions." I just don't agree with that, though. Donna LeDonna isn't really doing anything except being kind of a bitch. Sure, maybe she uses Carrie's mom's death to make her look like a more sympathetic human, at least she did in the first episode, but let's see this bitch drop some pig's blood on a ho.
Carrie is also grounded for coming in past curfew, even though her dad didn't notice that she was drunk off of champagne, and the City. This totally sucks because she and Sebastian are whatever the modern version of dating is. They used to call it "talking" but I'm not sure that's even a thing anymore. Crushing. Shipping. Oh, wait, it's the 1980s, so surely there is some John Hughes-inspired word for it. Bagging? The only bag here is the hopeless old one -- me, watching this show.
Sebastian tries to kiss Carrie against a door, but the door opens up to reveal Carrie's three friends: Mouse, Maggie, and Walt. Mouse is the shy Asian one. Maggie and Walt are an item, but Maggie is slutty and Walt is secretly gay, so they are decidedly not bagging. This is all you need to know about them. I won't even question where they were hanging out, which at first I thought was the bathroom but am now thinking is maybe a hallway or a small room where Carrie keeps her friends.
Being grounded is not so bad, it turns out, because Carrie can have more vaguely erotic moments with her sister, Dorrit. They're washing the car, spraying each other and having a soap/sponge fight. Normal sister stuff. Carrie's blank slate of a father also notices that grounding brought his daughters closer together. And who is he to shy away from a fun car-washing hose fight? Actually, a better question would be, who is he?
Creepy Sebastian Kidd calls Carrie and tries to convince her to sneak out, as they sensually touch their clothes and phone cords (HAHAHA NO CELL PHONES. '80s.). Sebastian wants her to be bad, and Carrie just wants this show not to get canceled, so I bet she'll sneak out.
Donna LeDonna, quickly becoming my favorite one-dimensional character on this show, is still after Sebastian. More on that later, but first, some blowjob stuff.
Maggie, the slutty friend, wants to be slutty with Walt, who is gay and doesn't want to get a blowjob. He just doesn't have a very good imagination. Walt is using the excuse that he wants their first time to be special. Do you think AIDS will come into play, this being the 1980s and all, or is that just going to get swept under the neon zebra print rug?
Then, this dialogue happened at the country club:
Donna LeDonna (having just finished a story, in front of grown men, about her small bikini, turns to Sebastian): What, you don't like bikinis?
Sebastian: I like 'em just fine.
Home run, script. Sebastian doesn't care for country clubs, has a bad attitude, Donna LeDonna steals him away for "a tour" blah blah blah. Why does everyone belong to this effing country club? Mouse sees Sebastian and Donna walking away, and immediately excuses herself from the table, where they were probably talking about college and becoming master violinists, to call Carrie and report.
Mouse does the math: Sebastian + Donna = Trouble. Carrie trusts Sebastian, but Mouse puts it in the most straight-forward way possible: "you know she's going to be all flirty and pouty and talking to him about sexy things." Sure enough, while Mouse is planting the seed of doubt and mistrust, Donna LeDonna is laughing and giving Sebastian a look that says, "I'm built for blowjobs."
The school day, in a school-themed sweater that I'm not sure about yet, Carrie tells Sebastian her purse will be in "Interview" Magazine in two weeks. I have a hard time believing they would put the shoot off for that long, and an even harder time believing they would deny us a New York Fashion Photo Shoot Montage on this show. Sebastian is all, "what's a purse? I was thinking about blowjobs." Just kidding, he wasn't like that.
This would be more interesting, to me, if more of it took place in New York City. I feel like I am the one being grounded. Carrie asks Sebastian if he ran into anyone interesting and he is avoidant. Tension doesn't build, as Donna LeDonna steps in wearing Sebastian's jacket over her bitchy outfit. The Jens smile blandly in the background, because they have completely lost sight of their moral compass, and now find their leader's behavior enviable. Donna returns Sebastian's coat, which means nothing except that she learned how to be manipulative for no reason very early in life.
Sebastian apologizes, and Carrie demands the truth. If Sebastian and Donna bagged, I will send some snail mail to the CW and demand that this show be renewed immediately. But no; Sebastian denied a kiss and tells Carrie they were smoking pot but didn't want her to know. I hope someone gets murdered on this show, just to spice things up.
"I'm not gonna lie and say I don't like to party. I do," Sebastian tells Carrie in another perfectly cultured pearl of dialogue. What will Carrie do with this guy who likes to party but will still turn down a BJ? At lunch, Maggie recommends that Carrie move things along physically, holding a carrot like a cigarette. Mouse's sadness about a guy and the failing relationship between Maggie and Walt are briefly touched upon, but not even the writers care enough about those things to dive in. Let's talk more about how Donna LeDonna is a slutty bitch who must be stopped.
Whilst chewing on a Red Vine ('80s?), Carrie lies to Maggie, telling her that Walt might just be "waiting for the right time." Maggie tells Carrie that she seems too busy for Sebastian, so she should make time for him or she'll regret it. There's a friend with her priorities in order.
Carrie is understandably not excited about going to her garbage internship at the law firm, but at least it's in the city and one of the associates is just ripe for a makeover. The dour-looking sad sack doesn't have time to go to Century 21 for a new date outfit, but has stacks of file boxes full of "work" that needs to be "collated" to give Carrie.
Carrie calls Larissa, who answers on a giant brick of a cell phone because toot toot honk honk it's the '80s. Larissa tells Carrie she needs the purse today because they had to bump a shoot with one of the Coreys. Carrie thought the shoot was in two weeks (yes, only the day before the magazine comes out, probably). Larissa needs that purse, because the stylists didn't bring any extra accessories I guess. Carrie wants her purse in this magazine more than she wants to collate, so she decides to lie. Lying is the theme of this episode, the narration stops itself just short of saying.
Carrie then takes another forbidden personal call from Sebastian, and gets caught by the haggard old 1980s version of me. She asks Carrie to run an errand, grab files from storage on the Constantine case, and pick up lunch. She needs to be back by some unnamed time in the afternoon to get her credits signed off. Wouldn't it be a little late for lunch, then? And a little too close to her date to be eating? Not that I expect an airtight plot/timeline from The Carrie Diaries.
Meanwhile, Maggie and Walt are fighting because Walt hates that he is gay. But enough about those boring losers, Carrie has a Fashion Photo Shoot Montage to get to.
As Carrie holds a zebra in the background of the photo being taken, she remembers she has work to do. Larissa, queen of lies and shoplifting, gives Carrie a Dior scarf and tells her she has to fake it to make it. Just like Carrie's supervisor will fake not being hungry on her date, having just secretly eaten a pail full of Moo goo gai pan. Carrie is an hour and a half late, and the work horse supervisor is not willing to sign off on those credits. She calls Carrie out on getting away with things because she is young and cute, so at least there's one character with some perspective on this show.
But, because she's young and cute, Carrie did all the work she was asked and then some. Also, Carrie gives Ms. Beige the scarf, presumably to wear over her outfit that already has a built-in scarf tied into a bow. But what does this woman know of fashion? She'll wear a million scarves around her neck if it will get her laid. Carrie thinks it's OK to lie about the scarf being found in the bargain bin. This woman will probably get arrested for stealing it on her date. Another life ruined by lies.
Mouse sees Donna and Sebastian talking at school in one of those mysterious rooms. They really have a natural rhythm and flirtation together. I like them as a couple.
After school, Carrie shows Walt a photo (how?) from the shoot. She confesses that she was terrified of being caught by "Bitchy Barbara," but lies saved the day. Yeah, fuck Barbara, right?
Walt tells Carrie he plans to surprise Maggie with sex after school the day. Then Mouse stops by after studying for the spelling bee or whatever. This is her social life. Mouse tells Carrie she needs to "move. fast." on Sebastian because Donna was being nice to her. Carrie tailspins into the ultimate lie: meeting Sebastian at the swim club, where she told her dad she'd be.
Carrie discovers the newly-faithful Dorrit at the swim club, and Dorrit is disappointed but understanding. Walt waits to surprise Maggie with an invitation to his penis, but Maggie is ready to get her rocks off with that police officer.
Carrie and Sebastian swim together, while Maggie and Police Officer do stuff in the backseat of his car. Maggie asks him to "lie with me" (the crux of the show) and he takes this to mean, "touch my boobs some more." Dorrit storms home angrily, having worked herself into a lather on the way home, and Ineffectual Dad is like, "you're home early."
Carrie and Sebastian hang out in a deserted pool, in the shallow end because the only thing she's treading is thin ice. Dad sees her sucking face with Sebastian in the pool, a moment that gave me the first twinge of real high school feelings while watching this show.
Then it goes back to Fantasy Carrie Land, though, as Sebastian follows them out to apologize and introduce himself. Mr. Bradshaw compliments Sebastian on his handshake, and knows his father.
Walt is waiting for Maggie outside her house still, and it's dark. He tells Maggie he is not in love with her and thinks they should break up. Maggie offers to change and asks why he doesn't love her. She just doesn't know that she'll be the best hag Walt has ever known.
In rueful Full House fashion, Carrie and her father have a heart-to-heart about honesty and trust and expectations. Carrie promises "no more screw-ups" after her dad threatens to take away her unpaid internship. Then he asks her not to go out with Sebastian because he knows the Kidd family.
"You expect me not to see the cutest guy at school?" Carrie asks him, stupidly expecting her father to have more of a personality, to be more than just a plot device. Carrie puts her purse photo in the famed Diary, reflects on telling the truth, then pursues Dorrit, who only wants to watch things stoned but offers up a bootleg copy of Purple Rain.
Sebastian shows up at Carrie's door to pick her up for the concert. Carrie says she can't, but doesn't give this poor man's James Franco the details. Sebastian is totally fine with this and steps off. Later, after the girls concur that Purple Rain was hardly worth watching, Maggie stops by for post-breakup consolation. They make sandwiches and agree with Dorrit that they are so lame. Friendship is the best, lies are totally the worst, except when they're useful and don't hurt anyone and you get away with them.