Like a bridge over troubled water, Clancy Brown will lay thee down. Or something like that. We open with Brother Justin perched precariously on the edge of a bridge, glancing downward at the fast-moving river that winds through the gorge below. Before we can even get our bearings (and before those of us who are afraid of heights can grip the armrests a little tighter), we're suddenly jerked into a series of Predator-VisionTM flashbacks featuring selected creepy images from Justin's storyline to date. Back on the bridge, a rather bored-looking policeman tries to talk Justin down. "No matter how bad you think it is," he drawls, "there's nothing that's happened to you that hasn't happened to someone else." Justin flicks his eyes over towards the cop, and gives this rather trite sentiment the sneer of disdain it so rightly deserves. Then he executes a perfect swan dive, and tumbles into the roaring rapids below. Farewell, Brother Justin. Too bad the Russian judge only gave you a 6.5.
Carnieland. Ben and a handful of other rousties are busy setting up the carnival in front of a conspicuously CGI'd blue sky backdrop. While I amuse myself by trying to figure out exactly where the real shot ends and the matte painting begins, Adrienne Barbeau emerges from her trailer and heaves a weary sigh. Then she spots Ben, and heaves a sigh of an entirely different kind. She calls out to him, and asks if he'd like to join her for some "snake hunting" later that afternoon. Ben immediately drops the pipe he was carrying and agrees to go along without saying even a single word. Heh. Although I do wonder if he agreed because he wants Adrienne to hunt HIS snake, or just because he enjoyed the "snipe" hunt Jonesy sent him on with the baggage trailer and assumes that this will be more of the same. I mean, let's face it. The boy ain't too bright, so you never know what he might be thinking.
Elsewhere, Ma & Pa Cooch are silently eating breakfast. Silence. Silence. More silence. Awkward silence. Silence of the Lambs. Silence like a cancer grows. Finally, Ma Cooch breaks the ice by asking if there's anything she can do to cheer Pa up. I like to pretend that he was about to ask her to bust out the little red pig, but before he can actually respond, Libby comes strolling past the table sporting a brand new Like-A-Virgin-esque platinum blonde hairdo. This causes Ma Cooch to go apeshit, or possibly some other form of animal excrement, because she describes the color as "pure cow piss" and loudly insists that there can only be one blonde dancer in the show. Libby responds by pointing out that she sees Ma naked on stage every night, and knows damn well that there aren't ANY natural blondes in the show. Ew. Boy that family dynamic they've got going just keeps on getting creepier every week, doesn't it?
Ma Cooch storms off in a huff, and Libby sits down beside her father. Pa Pimp proceeds to hold his daughter close in a way that manages to be simultaneously touching in a "grieving father" sort of way, and also kind of creepy in an "it wouldn't surprise me if these two had been doing it since she was six" sort of way. I've noticed that Carnivàle certainly does enjoy walking that incest tightrope. Pa repeats Ma's question from earlier, wondering if there's anything he can do to cheer Libby up. She admits that she's been thinking about leaving the carnival, although when you consider that she already announced those same intentions right in front of him last week, that's really not much of a revelation. Pa allows that "Curly and Jasper" (a.k.a. π and Avogadro's Roustie) have already snuck off to parts unknown, and then suggests that they could do the same. His dream is to go "anywhere but Texas." Hers is to go to Hollywood. "It happens all the time out there," she tells him. "People go to Hollywood with nothing but a dream. Then they just get discovered, and become big stars." And then their shows get cancelled, and they end up shaking their tits for scale on pay cable. But in an artsy, Emmy-appropriate sort of way, of course. Dad agrees, and says she'd better start packing. Aw. Hugging. Hugging. More hugging. Huggy Bear. Awkward hugging. Really, really creepy, incestual hugging.
And speaking of creepy incestual hugging, here's Iris in her brother's bedroom. She hangs up a suit he left lying on the bed, but not before she stops to sniff it a few times. Oy. I think we can now safely add "suggestive sniffing" to "religious freaks in the desert" and "sex and free meat" on my TWoP recurring theme résumé. I can't tell you how happy I am about that. With suit safely stowed, Iris thinks for a moment, and then reaches under her brother's bed to pull out the case containing his whip. Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. I once found a Playgirl in my sister's room, and I couldn't look at her for a month. And because you know there's no way we're getting out of this scene without a money shot, Iris kneels down beside the bed and actually sniffs the whip. That would have grossed me out too, but all I can think about now is "Smell the Glove" from Spinal Tap, so I think I'm okay on this one. I would, however, be remiss if I didn't at least mention mambotaxi's excellent "whippersniffer" nickname from the forums. Good one!
Iris's olfactory observation of the family flagellum is interrupted by the Coin-Puking Dirty Lady, who pokes her head into the bedroom to announce that Iris has a gentleman caller. At least CPD Lady has the good grace to act embarrassed by what she's just seen, although she will be using it to score one of the best lines of the night in another minute or two. Iris heads downstairs, where we learn that her guest is Tommy Dolan, the radio reporter from last week. Apparently Tommy lied and claimed he was a minister in order to gain access to the house, and this infuriates CPD Lady to no end. "Now you get out of this house," she yells, "before I take a horsewhip to your backside." Hee! Iris is temporarily mortified, but manages to get herself back under control enough to shoo CPD Lady out of the room. She asks Tommy why he's there, and he soon reveals that he was the last known person to see Justin alive. He also reveals that Justin was healthy but very, very drunk at the time. Iris rather foolishly insists that her brother doesn't drink, and then they're interrupted by the arrival of yet another bag of fan-mail. Oh, I have that exact same problem, let me tell you. In fact, this week's reader mailbag included an informative Italian translation from a Six Feet Underepisode I recapped eight months ago, yet another letter from an old high school friend I haven't spoken to in years, a slam on the OED, and several pieces of spam promising to teach me how to "Earn as much as a pr0n star!" And that's not even counting the one about Miss Alli's tongue.
Tommy takes an interest in the deluge of mail, and steps over to the table to read one of the letters aloud. The actual text is nowhere near as interesting to him as the $5 bill that's enclosed, and Iris explains that money has been pouring in from all over Southern California. Heh. I just realized that Darryl and Darryl from the Coin-Puking Dirty clan are the ones sorting the mail. I'm actually sort of surprised they can even read. Iris and Tommy move back to the living room, and Tommy sleazes that he could be very helpful in raising funds and securing permission to rebuild the church. "There's nothing more irritating to a politician than a reporter," he adds. And there's nothing more irritating to a producer than a recapper, I suppose. Iris asks what he plans on getting out of the deal, and he smarms something about getting a good story and boosting his ratings. Whatever. I still preferred Perry White on Smallville this week. After hearing this explanation, Iris observes that Tommy sounds like he needs to get himself to a church. "I'd be happy to go anywhere you'd care to take me, Miss Crowe," he replies. Ooh, suave. Iris doesn't seem interested, however. Which means that Tommy really should have spent more time reading our forum polls, because if he'd gone with "I've got two dollars," he'd totally have her in the bag by now. Much to the dismay of that guy who mailed in $5, I'm sure. Fade to black.
Fade up on Justin, lying unconscious in a bed of reeds alongside the river. You know, because he's just like Moses, leading his migrant people straight to the Promised Land. If, that is, Moses had a broken leg instead of a burnt tongue, and the Promised Land was a really creepy place where people fuck their sisters and get their necks broken telekinetically. He eventually wakes up, and struggles to drag himself out of the water. He also looks over and sees what appears to be two small monkeys hanging from a nearby tree. Yay! Monkeys make everything better. Except for Tarzan, apparently. We fade to later, with Justin's new, slightly higher perch on the embankment allowing him to see that the monkeys are actually a pair of small children. Boo! Children ruin everything. This recap would be done by now if it weren't for the damn trick-or-treaters. The kids watch him silently for a while, and then the slightly older girl moves to whisper in her younger brother's ear. Justin begs for help, and the kids slowly make their way over to him. "Why do you chase us?" asks the girl, in a heavy Russian accent. Clancy tries to explain that he's not chasing them, and tells them to go fetch their parents for help. The girl reveals that their mother is dead, and that their father is "an evil man." Justin finally stops to take a good luck at these kids, and realizes that the girl is a dead ringer for a young Abby Lockhart, and the boy has the biggest eyes this side of a tentacle-themed pornographic anime. "My, what big eyes you have," observes Justin. "The better to snap your neck with," replies the boy. Oh, okay. Not really. Instead the kids just walk away without saying another word. Justin cries for them to come back, and when they don't, he just presses his face into the earth like he's digging for truffles.
And speaking of guys with dirt on their face, Ben and Adrienne Barbeau are busily hunting for snakes in a vast open field. Adrienne explains that snake charming is actually quite lucrative, because there's something about watching a woman with a snake that makes a man "downright percolated." Ordinarily I'd put a sentence here mocking such an obviously goofy turn of phrase, but at this particular moment I'm too busy sliding in my Blade Runner DVD to reminisce about Joanna Cassidy, her glitter-coated naked snake-charming scene, and her supa-fly transparent plastic raincoat. Ahh. Good times. And while we're on the subject, does anyone remember that mildly famous poster from the '80s with the naked woman and the snake on it? I'll give a Reader Mailbag shout-out week to anyone who can identify her for me, even though I'm not really sure why I care. At any rate, Adrienne relates the whole snake-percolating thing back to the Garden of Eden, and then goes out of her way to specify that she's talking about the Bible. Oh, for God's sake, I know Ben is dumber than a box of hair, but no one is that dumb. I mean, they've all read the recap, right?
Note to self: Stop linking so much.
Ben reveals that he's actually spent quite a lot of time reading the Bible, although he does list a fairly large number of books that all aren't Genesis, so maybe his reading comprehension isn't any better than his personal hygiene. Heh. Maybe he's really a secret member of the Coin-Puking Dirty clan. That might actually explain a lot. In fact, I'm surprised it hasn't come up in the speculation thread yet. Lord knows every other possibility has. Ben also adds that he's had enough of the Bible "for one lifetime," without any mention of whether that also includes Scudder's lifetime. Adrienne changes the subject, and explains that they're looking for either a "hog nose" or a "plainbelly." Yeah. I don't even need a joke here. Those words are funny all by themselves. She also warns Ben to watch out for "cottonmouths," because she got bit once in Ft. Worth a few years back, and almost died. Wow. What the hell does Dan Knauf have against Texas? I mean, I get that south is hell and north is heaven (because Minnesota is where Prince lives, of course), but Dan hates Texas like Joss hates his father, and that just seems weird. Adrienne also reveals that it was ol' "Hack Scudder" who pulled her through, just by laying his hand on her cheek. When she tries to replicate the gesture with Ben, he recoils, explaining that he comes from a distinctly non-touchy-feely kind of family. "That's a shame," whispers Adrienne, as she reaches out to try and caress him a second time. "We're all about inappropriate familial touching in this carnival." She strokes his face, and they share a moment, but they totally fail to kiss. Sigh. Whatever. It's almost enough to make me miss Patti and Rebadow.
Back at the carnival, Ma Cooch is not exactly down with Pa's newfangled "Hollywood" plan. Much bickering ensues, with her basic argument being that if they leave the carnival, they'll just end up broke and on the "bread line." I mention the "bread line" part solely because it's the only reference to loaves we'll be getting before the upcoming "fishes" scene. Pa, however, seems convinced that everything will work out, or at the very least that things will be better than they are right now. He also really just wants to get the hell out of Carnieland. Ma announces that they've got to get back on their feet, and further reveals that she's planning on resuming the show later that night. "She ain't but two weeks in the ground," answers Pa. Ma looks sad, but the show must go on. As must the packing.
While her parents are busy arguing, Libby is busy sneaking a cigarette with Sofie on the carousel. It's quickly explained that her new hair color is officially called "Blondex" (it's the latest craze from the makers of Windex!), and that Ma had something called a "duck fit" when she saw it. Now, I've heard of Duck Head, and also Duck Duck Goose, but "duck fit" is a new one on me. I'm sure I'll be getting email on that one, as well. Libby also mentions that her new hairstyle is designed to help her get ahead in Hollywood, so that she can better emulate her idol Thelma Todd. Libby wants to be just like Thelma, who has an ocean view from the window of her apartment, and a coffee shop in town where all the glitterati gather for mochacchinos on the weekends. It goes unmentioned (probably because it hasn't happened yet) that Thelma Todd also killed herself under some highly mysterious circumstances. In any case, Libby's official plan is to blow into town and strike up a conversation with Thelma by mentioning the fact that they both share the same birthday. Aww. Isn't that sweet? That should easily be enough to delay the restraining order for at least a few minutes. I, on the other hand, share my birthday with Paula Abdul, Salman Rushdie, and Garfield the Cat, so that probably won't be much help when I head out to stalk Lauren Ambrose. Libby's last major revelation is that her and Pa are planning on leaving the very day, which makes Sofie all sad that her bestest new gal-pal will be abandoning her so soon. But not before Libby gets her tarot cards read, at least, although Sofie does have to agree to lend her fifty cents just so she can afford to get the reading done. Oh, yeah. Libby'll do just fine in Hollywood.
It must be later in the day by now, because Ben is back from the hunt and busily repainting Adrienne's snake charmer sign. It's too bad no one from the prop department bothered to put any actual paint on the brush he's using, however, because that sign looks drier than one of Mommatose's freshly-changed bedpans. Lodz and Lila stroll by, both dressed to the nines for a fun-filled afternoon of rabble-rousing and gossip-mongering. When Lila reports that Ben is painting the banner, Lodz leads them both in for the kill. "You know, Ruthie was something to see back in the day," offers Lila. "A man could literally be hypnotized by the swaying of her hips." Ahh. So that's why I have to watch Escape from New York every time it comes on. Lodz tries yet again to get a job tutoring Ben, and Ben yet again blows him off. If you want details, just read the last four recaps, where they've already had this same exact conversation. Lodz does, however, go on to mention the time that Scudder healed Ruth, only this time we learn the added salacious detail that Ruthie thanked the guy by petting his personal anaconda a few times. Lila joins in with some additional teasing, and Ben gets so mad that he just up and walks away in the middle of her sentence.
Leaving Lodz and Lila behind, Ben runs straight over to Adrienne Barbeau, and pretty much goes ballistic on her. He accuses her of sleeping with Scudder, calls her a bunch of names, and gets really, really pissed for absolutely no discernible reason. You know, this whole scene could easily be described just by saying "weird people, inappropriate sexual behavior, obscure references, dirt, dirt, dirt, Adrienne Barbeau," but recapping the sophisticated, intelligent dramas on HBO unfortunately forces me to be a bit more descriptive. So I'll just add that Adrienne looks really hungry. Oh, and Gabriel is standing right behind her, and he really doesn't approve of anyone treating his mommy like this. And speaking of mommies, let's all take a quick minute to notice Adrienne's highly suggestive glance back at Gabriel when she admits to sleeping with Scudder. And here we all thought that Sofie would be the surprise sibling. Anyway, the shouting match soon degenerates into a shoving match between Ben and Gabriel, and the shoving soon degenerates into a full-fledged fight. Gabe scoops Ben up in a bear hug, which Ben quickly escapes from. Then he kicks his brother in the nuts, and shoves him right in the chest. Despite the fact that Gabe must outweigh Nick Stahl by about seven gazillion pounds, he still ends up flying all the way across the midway and straight into a pipe, which breaks his wrist. Jonesy and his crew of merry mathematical rousties rush over to break things up.
California. Tommy Dolan is broadcasting live from the home of one Val Templeton, better known to moviegoers and TWoP-readers around the globe as "Otho." Or possibly "Father Ripper." So I guess this means he didn't die, after all. Tommy spends the first half of the scene buttering Otho up, calling him "a latter-day colossus" who "stands astride the Central Valley." Well, I'd buy the "colossus" part, at any rate. Then he turns the tables, and basically shakes the guy down for a $3,000 contribution to Brother's Justin's "Dignity Ministry." The best part comes when Tommy asks Otho if he's interested in trying to find Justin, and Ripper responds with a succinctly sarcastic "Keenly." Hee! Meanwhile, Iris sits at home and listens intently. That'll be important later.
Fade to later that night, with Justin still lying along the banks of the river. He's managed to pull himself up to a semi-seated position, although he's barely conscious enough to notice that the two kids have returned. "You're a bad man," announces the little girl. "My father sent you to kill us." Um, okay. Justin tries to explain that he's just a perfectly normal guy who occasionally induces communal hallucinations and once made the mistake of thinking he could fly, but little Michelle Gorbachev isn't having it. "My mother said we could not trust anybody who was not a man of God," she tells him. "But I am a man of God," replies Justin, before remembering that he ripped off his cassock before leaving Mintern. Oops. Oh, the irony! Oh, the humanity! They all simultaneously hear a group of men approaching through the woods, and the little girl freaks out and accuses Justin of leading "assassins" there to kill them all. Justin pooh-poohs the very notion, and starts screaming for help. Anna Karenina isn't about to allow that, however, so she grabs a big rock off the ground and bashes Clancy right on the noggin. Heh. Fade to black.
Carnieland. Everyone is open for business, with crowds packing the midway. In her trailer, Sofie is delivering on her promise to read Libby's cards. The first one she turns is "The Fool," which means that Libby is "carefree" and "light-hearted." The second is "The Chariot," only it's upside-down, which probably doesn't bode well. After a quick cutaway to Mommatose looking as disapproving as it's possible for someone who never moves her facial muscles to look, Sofie lies and claims that she dealt the card incorrectly. She also tells Libby exactly what she wants to hear, which is that our fair-haired heroine is destined for fame and fortune. Libby is ecstatic and all giggling, and hugging ensues before she leaves to go start packing. Never one to let a good (or bad) deed go unpunished, Mommatose feels the need to speak up at this point.
Mommatose: Now why would you go and lie like that? You're only encouraging her.
Sofie: Because you're wrong.
Mommatose: Oh, please. I'm never wrong. Remember the guy who knew Scudder? Remember the time I told you to use the extra-large bedpan? You thought I was wrong then, and what happened? Huh? I'm telling you right now, that girl will still be dancing with a pole when she's sixty-five.
Sofie: She's not gonna dance the cooch the rest of her life.
Mommatose: Why not? Guys will pay to see anything, you know. Hell, I even heard there're people who like to dress up as stuffed animals and "fur-pile." Heh. I bet Libby would just loooove to try "yiffing."
Sofie: You don't know anything about her. You know, she's the only one in this whole place who actually thinks about what life is like on the outside. Who has dreams.
Mommatose: You have dreams. Although I definitely could have lived without seeing the one where you yiffed Libby.
Sofie: My dreams are none of your business.
Mommatose: From your mouth to Management's ears. If he has ears, that is.
How come everyone else lives in trucks and trailers, but the Cooch family gets a palatial four bedroom town-tent all to themselves? I mean, I know there were four of them and all, but that thing has to be a bitch to set up and take down every time they travel. This also seems like a good time to mention that Carnivàle and CSI are filmed on the same soundstage. That's not really relevant, but I'm also recapping CSI this week, and I've never been one to let a bizarre coincidence go unmentioned. Anyway, Samson and Ma Cooch are in her tent, and he's congratulating her on earning back the carnival's overhead for the night all by her self. Given the context, I probably should have referred to the overhead as "the nut," but whatever. Samson inquires as to whether or not Pa Pimp has pimped out his wife for the evening, but Ma responds that her and Stumpy need some alone time. Samson leaves, and Ma proceeds to apply some make-up and change into some slinky lingerie, all while a highly suggestive song plays on the soundtrack. Check out these lyrics: "I need a little sugar in my bowl / I need a little hot dog between my rolls / You been getting different, I been told / So move your finger and drop something in my bowl." Damn. Where's Tipper Gore when you really need her? Ma reaches under the bed and pulls out a small, red porcelain pig, which she then leaves on the ground just outside the tent door.
Cut to Libby, noticing the pig and then rolling her eyes as she tries to decide where she'll be sleeping that night. Heh. She wanders over to a flatbed truck, where Sofie is snuggled up under a blanket. After explaining that the little red pig means that Ma wants to get "porked," Libby climbs up into the truck and stretches out beside her friend. There's some schoolgirl giggling, and then Libby wonders aloud who Sofie might share her birthday with. This causes Sofie to admit that she doesn't actually know her birthday, because Mommatose went comatose on the day she was born and doesn't remember anything except for the fact that the cherry trees were blooming. Yeah. Okay. I'm calling bullshit. The very fact that both Sofie and Mommatose are alive today means that someone else had to be there when she was born; otherwise they both would have starved to death in a puddle of placenta. So unless we're supposed to believe that no one bothered to write the date down or pass it along to any of the people who must have been there to raise Sofie from an infant, there's just no way she wouldn't know her birthday to within at least a day or two. Theoretically, it's a nice bit of characterization to add some mystery to the 'Tose clan, but I'm just not buying it. Libby, however, eats it up like a kid with a bag full of candy corn. Mmm. Candy corn. "You ain't like nobody else," she whispers, as she reaches out to caress Sofie's face. And then they kiss! No, not really. Sigh. Sofie admits to being sad that Libby is leaving just when they were finally getting to know each other, and Libby responds by eagerly inviting the not-yet-sapphic Sofie to join her in Hollywood. "You gonna be a carnie for the rest of your life?" she asks. "Going from one shithole town to another? This ain't no life." Sofie looks as though she agrees, but says nothing.
Pa Pimp, meanwhile, has finally made it back to his tent and noticed the little red pig. Inside, Ma adjusts her ample bosom for maximum erotic effect, but Pa just stands in front of the door without going in. "I think he's gonna pork her," mutters Random Roustie #69. "He's not gonna pork her," replies OU812. "Look, he's walking away." And in fact Pa is walking away, leaving Ma alone in her bed, looking depressed. Aww. I know what that's like. My little red pig gets more action from the neighbor's garden gnomes than I've had in years.
Hey, look! It's Jonesy! I guess they decided to keep him in the background this week in order to give you all you Limpies some extra time to recover from the bouncing. This week he's merely creaking, because someone forgot to oil his leg brace. He limps through the closed-down carnival until he comes across Pa Pimp, who is piss drunk and trapped on the Ferris wheel. He helps poor Pa down, and Pa offers him a drink in return. Jonesy accepts. And that's really all that happened, but there's no way I could recap this scene without adding that it contained all of the following words: "Al-kee-haul," "Stumpy," "cork high and bottle deep," "snot-flying drunk," "giddy up," "red eye," "regular Aggie forty," "coon dick," "druthers," and "ruthers." That's got to be some kind of record. Pa Pimperson does manage to inject some drama into the scene, however, when he drunkenly announces, "Every which way I turn, I see my little girl. Every which way." Aww. Sniff. Although it does prove my point from earlier. The monkey totally made Every Which Way But Loose a million times better.
On the other side of Carnieland, Adrienne Barbeau is stepping out of her trailer. She tells Gabe that she'll be right back, and we hear him say "okay, mama" from off-screen, just in case there's anyone left who isn't sure how they're related. She immediately runs into Ben, who seems to have been lurking just outside her door, and he quickly apologizes for breaking Gabe's wrist. "That means exactly less than nothing to me right now," she replies. "Less than nothing?" wonders a confused Ben. "Do you mean that roustie over there? Because I thought he was 1492." Or maybe he just says that her relationship with Scudder is none of his business. Except for the part where it totally is his business, because Gabe could be his brother. "I don't answer to no man," declares Adrienne. "Never have. And I ain't gonna start now. I maybe might answer to a Swamp Thing if he asked, but that's a whole different story we ain't got time for right now." She goes on to say that there are things she doesn't know about him (like what he looks like with the dirt washed off) and there are things he doesn't know about her (like what she looks like on a full stomach). "You're just gonna have to accept that," she tells him, and Ben reluctantly agrees.
California. Iris and Tommy Dolan are camped out on Iris's sofa, listening to a recording of Tommy's ambush interview with Otho. "I want to thank you for bringing the recording over this evening," she says, with the measured tone of someone who spent even more time practicing that line than Sofie did with the whole "Has it been that long?" bit. "I'm sorry I missed it live, but I was in prayer." Wow. How come no sweet old brother-loving spinsters ever invite me over to recap things they missed live? Tommy's got quite a little racket going here. And he obviously knows it, too, because he's desperately trying to get her drunk. "Jesus turned water into wine," he observes. "That's quite an endorsement in my book." Heh. Smooth. Very smooth. And also subtextually relevant, given the aforementioned "loaves and fishes" action we get this week. Iris confesses that she feels "decadent," and Tommy oh-so-earnestly asks to hear all about her. And after gulping down about half a glass of wine, Iris does agree to tell a little story. "There were two children," she begins. "A boy, and a girl. Immigrants from Russia." This is accompanied by shots of the little kids we've already seen tormenting Justin, but Iris goes on to tell us their backstory. "They were traveling with their mother, by train. One night, there was a terrible accident. A bridge collapsed, and the train went dooooown into the water. There were no survivors, except the boy and girl. By God's divine mercy, they survived, and washed up on a riverbank. They were pursued. A man was sent to kill them. The girl fought to protect her brother, and then the day came when the boy had to protect his sister."
From there, we segue right back to Justin on the riverbank. He's there alone with the little boy, and he's still pleading for help, albeit in his own inimitable style. "You sister is being very, very bad," he whispers urgently. "She's getting both of you in a lot of trouble. When people find me, I will tell them what you've done, and you'll be punished. You'll be beaten." Oh, yeah. That's gonna make the kid want to help. Justin tries another tack, and tells the kid that he's the man of the family, and needs to take charge of the situation. This method is marginally more successful, or at least it would have been if the girl hadn't returned and started beating on Justin's broken leg with a stick. Ouch. Clancy goes nuts, and starts throttling Josephine Stalin so hard that I totally expected his tongue to loll out while he grunts, "Why you little…" The boy, whose name is revealed to be Alexei, isn't about to just let a strange man with bad hair and an unexplained command of the Russian language just start choking his sister like that, so he opens his big, giant eyes a little wider, and shouts something in Russian. This causes Clancy to jerk back and release the little girl, who immediately tries to get her brother to stop whatever it is he's doing. It's to no avail, however, and we're treated to a nicely nasty shot of Clancy Brown's head spinning around and then snapping when it hits the 180 degree mark. Double ouch. Although it's still a better fate than The Kurgan. Fade to white.
And fade back up on Brother Justin, once again perched precariously on the edge of the bridge. Officer Bobby Ewing is more successful in his attempts to talk Clancy down this time, and Justin is soon brought back over the railing on onto firmer ground. "This was not visited upon me," he moans. "This is my birthright. My birthright!" The cops put him back on his feet, and Justin slowly wanders away.
Which segues us right back to Iris and Tommy "See Me, Feel Me" Dolan, who is utterly enraptured by the tale. "That's quite a story," he finally manages. "More of a parable, really," answers Iris. Heh. "In Russia, there's a saying," she continues. "Pray to God, but row for shore. Faith and action. That's how I live my life, Mr. Dolan." "And speaking of action," he smarms, "what do you say us two kooky whippersniffers hit the bedroom?" Fade to black.
Morning in Carnieland. Ma Cooch stomps over to find Pa slumped on one of the picnic tables. She throws a notepad down in front of him, and demands that he compose an ad to find them a new "professional" cooch dancer. Pa is horrified by the very idea, and somewhat timidly insists that he and Libby are still planning on leaving. "No, you won't," answers a cool and collected Ma Cooch. "You ain't gonna leave me. You don't even know how to begin to leave me." Ooh, burn. And you can call her a bitch if you want, but there's no denying she's totally right.
Ben, meanwhile, is leading Gabriel out into a field somewhere. I'm giving double-bonus points for the composition on this shot, by the way, because they've got just the very top of the Ferris wheel visible over the edge of a ridge. That's probably CGI, but it's still nicely done. Gabe's got his arm in a sling, and despite the fact that Ben is the one who put it there, he still seems perfectly willing to follow the guy out into the middle of nowhere. I guess we've finally found someone dumber than Ben. The two boys wade out into the middle of small pond that's formed in the depression between two hills, and Gabe at long last manages to register some confusion about what the hell might be going on here. Ben makes him promise to not to tell anyone, and then bends him over and orders him to squeal like a pig. Or maybe he just holds Gabe's wrist and heals it. This really confuses Gabe, who is shocked that he's able to move his wrist without any pain. And then the other shoe drops, and hundreds of dead fish begin floating up to the surface. Wow. It looks like just like the fish tank I had in college. I'll leave you all to wonder how that many fish got into a totally land-locked pond that's no more than twenty feet across and three feet deep, because I've totally stopped caring about things like that.
Back at the ranch, Ma Cooch is smoking a cigarette and sitting on the edge of the carousel. Flick…ahh. Samson walks over and tentatively mentions that he just saw Pa and Libby packing up the car. Ma remains defiant, and continues to insist that he'll never leave. "I know him," she declares, as she flicks some ashes into the dust. Samson comes a little closer, and sadly confesses that he blames himself for Dora Mae's death. He should have stood up to Management, and refused to go to Babylon. Ma also feels guilty, because she's the one who overruled him and decided to do the blow-off. The pity party continues for a few moments more, and then Ma says, "The thing that tears me up, is knowing that bastard who killed her is still out there walking around." "No, he isn't," replies Samson, with shake of his head. "You can only know a man so much," he adds, without further adding that technically both Stangler and Dora Mae really are still out there walking around. Well, maybe not "walking" so much.
Pa and Libby aren't the only ones packing, it seems, because Sofie is also loading up a suitcase while Mommatose watches from her bed.
Mommatose: Aw, come on! Don't go! I promise I'll be nicer. I mean, we've had some good times, right? Remember when we stayed up all night and played Uno with the tarot cards? That was fun, wasn't it? And that time I coughed up the lung pudding, and we just laughed and laughed and laughed…
Sofie: It's my chance.
Mommatose: But…but…you can't leave me! Whatever shall I do? However shall I piss?
Sofie: Goodbye, Mother.
Cut to the car, with Pa and Libby in the front seat, and Sofie in the back. Everyone is all excited and bouncy (though not Jonesy-bouncy, much to my dismay), and even Pa gets into the spirit things by shouting, "California, here we come!" But then he looks in the rearview mirror, and spots Ma watching them from a distance. If you look closely, you can actually see the resolve draining out through the pussy-whipping scars on his back. Libby begs him to start driving, but Pa just shuts off the car, and softly says that maybe they should try again the day. Libby, incidentally, is wearing a raspberry beret. Someday I'm totally going to write a scholarly paper on the meaning of all the Prince references in this show. For now, however, I'll just mock the girl's fashion sense, because she looks like a French hooker. Then again, her family name is "Dreifuss-Cooch," so she may actually really be a French hooker. Pa climbs out of the car looking totally broken, and Libby brats that he's breaking his promise to take her away from the carnival. But when Sofie climbs into the front seat and offers to drive, Libby ends up refusing to leave without her daddy. In the end, Sofie is left alone in the car, realizing that she's the only one who was actually serious about going.
Ben and Gabriel, meanwhile, have finally made their way back to camp. If you need any further proof that these two are the dumbest men in all of Texas, look no further than the fact that they waited until they were back in Carnieland to put Gabe's arm back into the sling. Although I guess that's really a better example of contrivance than Ben's stupidity, because if they didn't bungle the cover-up like that, there would be no way for Lila to have known that Ben was healing people all by himself. As it is, she manages to walk by just in time to see them giggling like they've just gotten away with something.
In a walk of shame made infinitely more shameful by the elephant ankles of her loose-fitting stockings, Sofie slinks back into her trailer ands sits down in her favorite chair.
Mommatose: I knew you'd be back.
Sofie: You might have known that. But I'll tell you something, Mother. You don't know everything.
Mommatose: Yeah, but I do know Avogadro's number. I also know number two, unfortunately. You wanna give me a hand with this bedpan?
Never one to let good gossip go unrepeated, Lila immediately bolts for Lodz's trailer to pass on what she's just seen. Lodz is a big ol' cranky-pants until he hears that Gabe's wrist is healed, and then he sits up in bed and looks pensive. "On his own?" he asks. "He did it on his own?" Hmm. I've been speculating for a while now that the creatures of light and darkness both require some sort of a mentor to fulfill their role. Iris is obviously Justin's, and Lodz seems to be angling for that spot with Ben. Whether or not he's supposed to get it, I don't know, but this scene does seem to support my theory. "That young pup," growls Lila. "Thinks he can go off and do his tricks without bringing you in. You'll show him, won't you?" Well, maybe he will, and maybe he won't, but what he what he will do is start beating Lila with his cane. Um, okay. I'd speculate on what that might mean as well, but it's getting close to deadline, and Sars tends to respond in the exact same way when I turn things in late.
And finally, we return to California one last time. The phone is ringing in Iris's house, and she rushes downstairs to answer it. It's worth noting that she's fully dressed in a robe and nightgown, which makes it seem unlikely that Tommy managed to score tonight. Sucks to be him, I guess. She answers the phone, and we hear Clancy's voice speaking in Russian. "Alexei?" she asks. "You always knew what was inside of me," he replies. And then he hangs up, and Iris just stands there looking scared. Eventually she heads back upstairs, and the camera slowly zooms in on a photograph hanging on the wall. It's Justin and Iris when they were kids, and to no one's surprise, they're the same exact kids we saw tormenting Justin in his vision. The spooky music swells, and we slowly fade to black.