Previously on Californication: Hank is a douchebag. But he looks like David Duchovny, so he gets a pass.
We open on a crane shot, gliding near a giant red-nosed mime statue, like the French cousin of Bob's Big Boy. Who is also gay and depressed. This may be a famous Los Angeles landmark, so forgive me for not knowing it, but using The Googles with "Giant gay French mime thing that waves and cries a bloody tear" yielded results you don’t even want to know about. Moving on: The camera moves from the scary Digression Mime to Hank in his old Porsche. He looks up at the mime. Sitting to Hank, also wearing sunglasses, is his ex, who still remains nameless on the show. She's doomed to be Exy Von NoName. She asks what he's thinking about. Paycheck? He says he absolutely loathes this city. This guy is an original: a writer who hates living in L.A. Exy says she was just thinking about how much she adores living in L.A. He tells her he hasn't written a fucking word since he's gotten there. No, dude, you did write "Fuck." Once. He misses New York. She says she misses him because he's still stuck in his own thick head. Thanks? "Come back to us, Hank," she tells him, "your girls miss you." They kiss passionately as funky music plays.
And it was just a dream sequence. Does every episode start like this? At least on Six Feet Under, someone died with every opening. Skateboarders glide in front of Hank's car as he sits at a stoplight. A woman in another convertible to him asks whom he was talking to. Himself. Occupational hazard, he tells her. She asks what he does. Audiobooks? He says he's a non-practicing writer. The woman, slutty and wearing huge sunglasses, says she has something he can read. She floats him a purple paper airplane. She drives off. Hank, smoking a ciggie, opens the airplane. Picking up chicks in L.A. is easy! Hank, reading the paper, says he thinks she has potential.
This week we get a proper set of opening credits. And they're awful. Seriously awful. Like a film school project threw up on someone's home movies and then had sex with the celluloid vomit on top of some ad agency's proposal for an edgy new pair of jeans to be sold at J. Crew. With David Duchovny exhausting himself the whole time. Oy.
Hank is driving. He shows up at Exy's house. Her fiancé, Bill, answers the door. He's wiry and older-looking and a little greasy. He says Becca doesn't want to see her father. Hank asks if he wants a cock punch. Excuse me? Bill advises giving Becca some space. Hank thinks that might be the problem. Bill says his sixteen-year-old daughter, the one Hank fucked last week, is an angel. Bill gloats that he must be doing something right. Icky. I just got the douche chills. Hank pulls a lame "Homo says 'What?' " He laughs. Bill smiles, bemused. Hank makes fun of some of Bill's art. Exy walks in and sidesteps an attempted hug from Hank. Becca, looking even more Betty Page-gothy than last week, walks down the stairs. She says she still hates her dad, but she does want to see his movie. It's got Tom and Katie! Unfortunately, that's Tom Green and Kate Jackson. Hank asks how she could like the movie. Becca says it proves he's not an asshole like everyone says. Sweetie, he is very much the asshole everyone says he is. Hank holds out his hand. She has to pay for her swear with cash. Exy asks if they can switch Becca nights because they have people coming over for dinner. Turns out it's Hank's agent and his agent's wife. Hank wasn't supposed to know. Exy asks him to bring a date. Hank tells Becca to put on her earbuds. He grouses about making Exy jealous and guesses that she's not going to marry him then. Bill is like, "Dude, I'm standing right here." That's a fact. Hank tries to stroke Exy's cheek and Bill just stands there, in his own house, mind you, and lets this fuckwit act like he owns the place. Punch his cock, Bill! Becca asks if Hank is coming to dinner. Hank says yes and he insults Bill by calling him "Bob, Billy Bob, whatever the fuck" on his way out. I now hate Bill, too, for not kicking this fuckmuffler in the Duchovnuts. Becca goes with Hank and Bill makes a face in the doorway like he's the principal and the Brat Pack just pulled a prank on him. Hate! Exy is smiling the whole time, which makes her kind of a jackass, too. Oh, wow, I see a bright number of future seasons for this lot of unlikeable characters.
Hank is lying on the couch of his agent's office. (Do I even need to mention it's the great Evan Handler?) Hank says something dirty about Charlie's assistant. Charlie's not as fond of her. Hank noticed a back tattoo and says that means she likes it "in the pooper." It's like they cut and pasted dialogue from Superbad and took out all the funny. Hank keeps talking about Charlie's crappy assistant. Charlie asks how Hank's new book is coming. Hank rolls over toward the couch and says that's a hostile question. Charlie says Hank's owed the publisher a book since Becca was breastfeeding. Charlie says he used to like watching Karen (Exy has a name!) do that. "Kiss my black ass," Hank says. Charlie says that Hank has burned every bridge except the offer to blog for Hell-A magazine. The assistant drops off some coffee. Hank offers to ask "Dani California" what she thinks about the magazine. She says he'd be perfect for them. He asks if she has nipple rings. She smiles. She has a nose ring. Charlie asks if that means she likes it in the nose.
Hank is at a bar with a British lady from Hell-A. She says he could take a shotgun blast to all the pretentious people in his once-great town. Hank says it's never been his town. She tells him to use the blog. She says he's got balls and asks him to come over to the dark side. He thinks he has nothing to say. She says it's a shame she's in a relationship and purrs to him that she wants him to write something for her. Hank agrees. She leaves. He finds the folded-up paper airplane in his pocket. There's a phone number.
And, just like that, he's got his hands on the ass of the girl from the convertible. As they kiss (her naked, him not so much), she asks what he does. He says it's nothing of substance. "My tits," she says suddenly. She asks him to look at them and evaluate. She wants to make them bigger. He says they're almost perfect. Now she wants to know about her lips. He says they're kissable. "Not those lips," she says. She shows him and asks if they're "Too flappy." All right, look...is it too late for me to write weecaps about Extreme Makeover: Home Edition instead? This is just so incredibly dirty. Incidentally, I hear Duchovny's balls are actually a little flappy around the edges. She says she was thinking of getting vaginal rejuvenation so they don't look like day-old deli meat. I want my $13 back. Hank loses his boner and gets hungry. She fellates him. He finds a DVD nearby. It's her on the cover of a porno. Hank is somehow surprised at this. She thought he recognized her. A baby starts to cry. Hank asks if she should go see to her baby. Porny Fellatesalot says not to worry and that the baby will quiet down. Hank pulls her up, kisses her on the forehead, and tells her to go be with her daughter. He says he's taking the DVD for further study. Hank leaves as the porn actress smiles at him. The baby's still crying.
Hank at home. He goes to the Hell-A Web site. He gets frustrated with his PC laptop and throws it across the room. He starts to write in voice-over as he types on a laptop at an Apple store. The product placement...so delicious and rich! Hank starts to throw down some cheap-ass one-liners after introducing himself by saying he hates us all. He says he won't go down in history, but he will go down on your sister. Also? He is fourteen years old. The camera lovingly fondles all the Apple products. Applefornication. Hank riffs on pubic hair as he amuses the shit out of himself in public with his absolute genius. As L.A. Woman plays, Hank asks why the town is so hell-bent on destroying its female population. Like you do with your dick?
Ugly transition shots. More driving. More L.A. Woman. Hank is at Exy's house. Mia is swimming in a lap pool and emerges, wearing a bikini. She teases him about his age. Hank says he's not old. She brings up the words "statutory rape." Bill shows up and tells her to go put on some clothes. Mia says it's nothing Hank hasn't seen before. She leaves. Bill, the putz, is glad Hank came over so they can make peace and be, like, bros and shit. Hank says he's not gonna let Bill steal his family. "Game on, Broheme," he tells Bill. Hank throws his cigarette in the pool. Exy shows up with a woman whom Hank immediately starts to hit on. She has read his work. Hank pulls Exy aside and she confirms that it's a set-up and that she's not holding a torch for Hank. Hank is downing a bottle of liquor. We cut to him taking some prescription pills from their bathroom. Fucked up, he joins the family and friends at the dinner table, which is right to the pool. The blind date puts a hand on Hank's leg. Hank's other leg gets attention from Mia, who is sitting to his right. As everyone plays crotch-grab, Becca asks for a dog. Hank says yes. Bill, fucking putz, says no, then apologizes to Hank for saying it. Lame "happy ending" joke. Blind Date asks how Exy and Bill met. Hank says that Exy was hired to redesign this house and they fell in love. Hank talks shit about Exy being a trophy wife who gets to live in her own Barbie Dream House. Kick the shit out of him, Bill! You putz! Becca tells the story of how Hank and Exy met. She was in art school and playing music. He'd published his first novel. They met at CBGB's. She read his writing and they fell in love. Becca came along nine months later, but they never got married. Mia's boyfriend honks outside and she leaves, but not before giving Li'l Duchovny a squeeze. Blind Date's husband left her in a gay affair. Hank says it could be worse; he could have been a Scientologist. Blind Date says she's a Scientologist. "Or a Nazi!" Hank offers. Eep.
Becca's room. She has a lot of stuff. She has a poster of the movie adaptation. Hank says the movie has nothing to do with his novel. Becca, who has read the book, says she thinks it does. Becca wishes they'd get back together and move back to New York. Hank hugs her. She asks if he's all right. Nope. Not really. He says he's working on it. She asks for a dog. They laugh.
Hallway. Hank and Blind Date run into each other. He apologizes for being a dick earlier. She asks if he wants to go get fucked up. Do Scientologists do that? She and Hank go smoke some pot together. She asks for a favor. She disrobes completely and asks what he thinks. He has a hand held up that covers her lower-parts. She says she's fortysomething and wants an honest opinion about her body. He says her breasts are obviously real and she has an abundance of pubic hair, which is nice. He jokes about the Scientology, but says she may be the most beautiful woman he's seen in a long time. She thanks him. She asks for another favor. She asks him to fuck her silly. He does.
Charlie's wife, Marcy, asks about Exy's bush. She hasn't been in for a waxing appointment in a while and must look like Art Garfunkel down there. So much pubis in this episode. I guess Marcy was her personal pube-groomer. Exy says she's really happy, even with her bush. Marcy inquires about Exy's seriousness about Bill. "What about Hank?" Marcy asks. Exy says Hank's been trying to get his shit together since they met. Marcy asks about the sex with Bill. Exy says it's different. She doesn't elaborate, which I attribute to the writers not knowing how it might be different yet still good as opposed to putting in another scene of some young actress showing her titties.
We pan to Hank fucking Blind Date from behind. His shirt is still on, but we saw a little of his ass. He jokes that he doesn't think Tom and Katie would approve. She asks him to shut up and fuck her already. He asks if she's clear yet. He says she's one freaky Thetan. Passionless banging. She throws her ass back a little too hard and Hank goes flying back. His head is bleeding. He falls. He throws up on the piece of art Bill had shown him earlier. Exy walks in on mostly-naked Hank holding the vomit-art and Blind Date in bed naked. Well, she did kind of set them up for something like this. Bill, Charlie, and Marcy all show up in the doorway. "My painting!" Bill says. You fucking putz. Hank says it's all good. All except for this show. Blind Date projectile vomits. "It's all good!" Hank repeats. Hank and Blind Date laugh. Nobody else does. Not even the viewers.
Outside, Hank runs into Mia on his way out. "You look like ass!" she tells him. "Did we just have sex?" Ha. Hank asks what she wants. She asks if it isn't obvious. Hank tells her that what happened before will never happen again. He says it's sick and wrong. She says there's nothing wrong with fucking and punching among consenting adults. He says she's not. She offers to use her vibrator while reading his blog. Dirty! She thought it was cool that she fucked that guy. She says it must be weird working for someone he hates. He doesn't know what she's talking about. Mia reveals that her dad, Bill the putz, owns Hell-A magazine. She goes inside while Hank lights up a cigarette and looks lost in the street.
He drives away and looks all sad. He has another daydream of Exy sitting to him in the car. A plane flies overhead. We fade to black as Hank sits alone in his Porsche.
week: Bill the putz grows some balls.