Pilot

S01E01

Hank takes his daughter home, and she wants to watch Pirates while he suggests Yellow Submarine. He does a tiresome spiel about watching a movie based on a theme-park ride, but his daughter thinks Johnny Depp is hot. That is the conventional wisdom, yes. Oh, Duchovny...I love you, but don't try to compete with The Depp. The daughter, Becca, finds a naked lady in his bed. Oh, that hank...y panky! "There's no hair on her vagina," the daughter notes. $13! The woman, a very naked brunette who still hasn't bothered to put her clothes on, later apologizes for trying to surprise poor Hank. He says maybe they should cool things off. She goes into a rant, obviously not enchanted with the idea of breaking up. She thinks Hank was getting revenge on her husband, the guy who turned his novel into a "big, shitty movie." But I thought Joel Schumacher was gay. Hank comes to the realization that she's probably right. She tells him the movie is actually better than the book. Hank calls her a "cadaverous slut" with shitty taste in movies. He's a gentleman, he is. Becca walks in, bringing them both beers. She asks if this is the new girlfriend. No, honey, she's just a cadaverous slut.

Later, Becca's mom comes to pick her up. Becca, having wrapped her dad in a blanket on the couch as he sleeps, wishes they could take him home. She asks mom not to yell at him. Mom's got hair on her vagina and it's exactly what Hank needs, she thinks. You know how most pilots constantly say the names of the characters to drill them into your head? Not so much with this one. Becca's mom, who still has no name, is furious about the cadaverous slut. She threatens to take away what little custody Hank has. Hank asks if she's jealous and fumes about her taking legal advice from her boyfriend. He rages at her about cheating on him while they were still married. She shoots back that they were never actually married. She says he turned into a cliché, Googling himself. He says he never cheated on her, at least not physically. She claims that she and her boyfriend never did it until she and Hank were dead and buried. She thinks he's sticking his Little Hank in everything that moves to get back at her, and the worst part is that he's not writing. Obligatory pep talk about how his amazing writing talent is being wasted. Hate to break it to you, but most writers like this guy write novels so they can get laid as often as he does. Sounds like it's a mission-accomplished situation. Hank acknowledges that he's fucked-up and needs help. He tries to kiss her awkwardly, which leads to the revelation that she's getting married. That really kills the mood. Hank's upset and wishes he had a say in the matter. Dude, you don't. Becca, who I now realize looks a bit like she'll grow up to be Lily Allen, is ready to go home. Hank gives his ex a condescending handshake. He's not so fun when he's heartbroken.

Hank has an altercation at a movie theater while going to see a film called Crazy Little Thing Called Love. A guy in front of him loudly answers a cell phone call. Hank grabs the phone. The guy grabs it back and takes another call. Hank takes the phone again and tosses it, breaking the thing, then beats the guy up, to general applause from the theater patrons. Well, he's got this going for him, at least. Some of the music in this show, by the way, is totally cribbed from "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn & John.

Hank goes to a bookstore, where copies of his book God Hates Us All sit to posters for the movie he went to see. Of course, there's a conveniently hot girl sitting nearby reading his book. They flirt, badly. Her name is Mia. She gets a character name before Natasha McElhone? She thinks his book was ruined by the movie director. "I took care of him already," Hank tells her. She asks if he's a famous writer. He says he's more of a one-hit wonder. She promises not to sleep with him, but we cut immediately to her doing the topless bouncy-bouncy atop Mt. Duchovny. "Mount Duchovny" is actually a good description of what she's doing. "Are you going to come?" she asks. Hank says he doesn't see why not. She punches him in the face. He's not sure how to react. Should he return the donkey punch favor? Then she punches him again. Then she dismounts. Already, I like her more than anybody else on this show. She leaves the room while Hank just lies there and laughs. Hey, Hank. Are...a...are you gonna finish that?

Parent-teacher conference. What kind of jackass wears sunglasses to meet with his child's teacher? Oh, Hank. That kind of jackass. The teacher tells Hank and Becca's mom (still nameless) that Becca is a great student. The teacher is worried about the girl's emerging sexuality. Hank takes it to mean she's going "lesbo," and he's actually fine with that, because he knows men are douches. Scumbag, scum thyself. Hank tries to get some dap from Becca's slightly amused mom. She takes off his sunglasses to reveal a shiner on his left eye. He...uh...fell down the stove! He tripped and landed in some bald vagina! The teacher doesn't think Becca's a lesbian. She's been making out with a boy who was feeling her up. The parents argue bitterly about who'll talk to her and then begin insulting each other. The teacher says she's only bringing it up because Becca asked how else she could get boys to like her. Ouch. That's probably like getting another punch to the eye.

Evan Handler Alert! Hank is having drinks with his agent, Charlie, at a bar. A magazine called Hell-A wants Hank to blog for them. Hank doesn't like the word "blaaaaaaaoooggg." Hank wants to shoot himself, but he offers up the nun/blowjob story as possible blog fodder. That's totally what all of us in the blogosphere are writing about. Nuns and blowjobs. Charlie thinks that's great, and has already figured out that the dream is about Hank's tendency to only pursue unavailable women. Who end up available. Charlie asks what the fuck is going on with Hank. Hank is disgusted with his life. Charlie suggests Hank look for a nice girl. Charlie has set up a double date for them. Sneaky!

Prelude to disaster. Hank, with his sexy black eye, is acting douchey to a redhead named Meredith and to her companion, Pamela Adlon, whom we know from Lucky Louie and Say Anything. It comes out that his book was made into a movie with "Tom and Katie." Meredith liked the movie, so now Hank must destroy her. Hank asks about Meredith, and she unwisely asks him to guess. Everyone at the table squirms, including Marcy (I only know her name because of IMDB), who tells her that bleaching her asshole would be less painful. This is the best $13 I've ever spent. Meredith insists that Hank try to peg her, like it's a party trick from Wonder Boys. Hank starts at her birth and describes her whole life, from what her dad was like to where she went to school to her adult relationships, which will end with her marrying a guy who lets her sit on the couch watching reality TV and getting fat. Hank says she's looking at him like he fingerbanged her cat. Charming. He and Charlie giggle while Meredith gets up to leave. Hank calls out that he's got America's Top Model TiVo'd and that she can run home and catch the last 10 minutes because it's "fierce." Charlie calls him a prick. That's why you were giggling, right? Everybody leaves. Hank sees a hot girl at the bar, and, of course, two seconds later they're straight-fucking. He flinches when he thinks she's going to punch him. Then he rudely answers his phone as they're still sexin'. I think this is a little worse than the guy answering his cell in the theater, my friend. Hank excuses himself. "Consider yourself defiled," he tells the girl. "You're an asshole!" she yells. I think we're going to be hearing a lot of that as the show wears on.

Hank picks up his ex. They go looking for Becca, who's off in trouble somewhere. "You smell like pussy," she tells Hank. "Thank you," he responds. Maybe it's from fingerbanging a cat. They end up at a drinking party. Teens are snorting coke and making out in threesomes on beds. This is what Dateline NBC imagines every teen party looks like. They find Becca standing around right about to take a hit off a big bong. She's about to make out with a boy, too. They carry her out by force. How embarrassing. "I hate you," she hisses as they get her home. The ex asks Hank if he wants to come in. The boyfriend is out of town. "Wash the pussy off," she advises him.

Inside, they're drinking wine and tempting sexual fate. I have no idea how their daughter could possibly be acting out right now. Hank uses this as an opportunity to assume that Becca's mom wants him back. She says she only called him because their daughter was in trouble. They reminisce about how the sex part of their relationship was the only part that worked. He offers to marry her. She thinks he just wants his muse back. I think it's a no. Mia walks in. It turns out she's the daughter of the ex's boyfriend. Awk-ward! Hank needs another punch to the face. It's obvious to anyone except Natasha McElhone that these two have boned, but they pretend not to know each other. Mia asks what happened to his eye. "You should see the other guy," he says. Mia jokes that she hopes the woman doesn't press charges. Mia shakes his hand and takes off. Hank asks, scared, how old that girl might be. "Sixteen," he is told. Are we liking this guy yet? Is there anything else he could do in this episode to make us stop watching, or are we cool with it all because he looks like David Duchovny? Would we be so forgiving as viewers if he looked like, say, Steve Buscemi? The ex says she was just fucking with Hank, so I guess she's not really sixteen.

Hank has old-home-movie flashbacks to his old life while a bad emo cover of "Rocket Man" plays. Hank sits down in front of a laptop and tries to write. "Fuck." That's all he's able to type. Or do. The end.

Tune in week, when Hank does shitty things and bangs Hollywood actresses who'll show their tits for TV. Only on Showtime!