By M. Giant
Acting on his hunch that Carla once worked in Kurdistan, Michael enlists Sam to help him steal a boring secret file from the Pakistani consulate to use as leverage for what he really wants. While he's tugging on that thread, Fiona drags Michael into a Job Of The Week helping an idiot who got conned out of the $200K he borrowed from a loan shark. Michael goes undercover as a richer, even bigger idiot to get past the con man's security. When that doesn't work, he and Sam have to pull a con of their own to get the cash back. It works, with interest, so there's a happy ending for everyone but the con man.
During all this, Michael's got women problems, both with Fi pushing him to get back out there and his mom nagging him about why he and Fi broke up. The ladies come to an understanding, and Madeline even gets off his case. What could be better? Well, when the Pakistani security guy that Michael's been blackmailing comes through, Michael's suddenly got some real goods on Carla. Not that we get to see what it is yet. Or even see Carla herself this week. Some new cast member!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our picks for what's good on television tonight in Going Through Channels!
Over some Miami-porn, Michael VOs a few unwritten rules of the spy trade: "Low-level operatives get traded, not prosecuted. You don't shoot foreign operatives if you can avoid it. And you stay away from embassies and consulates." Well, that's not what I learned from Spy Vs. Spy. And that's not something that Michael seems in the mood to honor at the moment. As he and Sam get out of the Charger near the Pakistani consulate in Miami (which is a structure that I'm not sure actually exists), Sam is expressing his doubts. "This is like cursing in church. Technically, this is foreign soil." Michael smoothly corrects that since he's burned, he's only committing a crime, not an act of war. Way to look on the bright side. Michael is adamant about going ahead with their little operation, on the theory that the Pakistanis might have a file on Carla -- that is, if she was in fact stationed in Kurdistan as Michael suspects. Michael passive-aggressively offers to let Sam off the hook and ask Fiona for help instead if Sam really isn't up for this, but Sam takes one for the team while simultaneously getting on Michael's nerves by referring to Fi as his girlfriend in the past tense. "She was never my girlfriend, Sam," Michael lies. Denial? Interesting. Count me in.
Inside the consulate, Sam is waiting at the end of a long line, winding up to create his diversion. He's doing this by making a big show of impatience that gets even bigger when Michael, disguised by a pair of large-framed specs that were out of style ten years ago, cuts in line and goes right to a desk jockey. He claims to be from the Herald and in need of visas, toot-sweet. For some reason the poor woman jumps up from her desk in panic and darts into the back, as Michael's VO explains, "Like all bureaucrats, consulate employees live in fear of a pissed-off journalist." Sam is making more and more of a nuisance of himself, even as a higher-ranking consulate employee comes out and invites Michael into the back. He leads Michael to a desk somewhere in the bowels of the building, but not so deep that Sam's bitching is not still audible. After parking Michael in his guest chair but before attending to him, the consulate guy knocks on a neighboring office door to ask for assistance from a fairly young-looking guy named Waseem. That would be the consulate's security guy. Michael's VO informs us that unlike most consulate employees, who are essentially office drones overseas, the head of security is almost always a spy. Well, that would explain why the guys in those jobs at the Chinese and Russian consulates on 24 were such bad-asses. I'd always wondered about that. The subtitles confirm Michael's statement: "WASEEM -- PAKISTANI SPY." Both he and Michael's host leave Michael alone so they can head back to the lobby together to deal with Sam, who ties them up in an argument about voice levels while Michael gloves up and starts going through Waseem's file cabinet. "One job of a security chief's job is babysitting the secrets," Michael VOs. "If one goes missing, it's a big deal." Michael doesn't even care what he's taking at this point; he just grabs some papers, scribbles some Urdu text on the jacket that once held it, leaves the jacket where Waseem will see it, and takes off. As he goes right past the two consulate guys still arguing with Sam, he VOs, "Play your cards right, and you can trade what you have for what you want." Michael allows himself a smile at his clean getaway. Of course, Sam might end up in a Karachi prison, but covert operatives need to be able to risk taking acceptable losses.
For some reason, Michael's sneaking around outside his mom's house, trying not to be seen. His sneakiness probably has something to do with the sound of female voices coming from inside, one of which is Fiona's. In an unusually obvious VO, he says that covert ops is about remaining undetected, even if it's just to find some car parts in your mom's garage. However, "no matter how good you are, sometimes they're better." Right on cue, Madeline opens the garage door and, happy to see Michael, invites him in to join the party. The super-ex-agent's frequent helplessness in the face of his mom's tactics continues to be a running gag. Or rather, a running-into-the-ground gag.
In the house, Michael spots Fi at the table among Madeline's biddy friends, getting cleaned out at cards and, it would seem, drooling her never-strong American accent right into her beer bottle. "Your girlfriend's getting creamed," Madeline quietly cackles to Michael, and for the second time this hour he has to tell someone that she's not his girlfriend. Madeline's disappointed, in a way-too-overinvested way, and blames Michael for the end of the relationship. He tells her that it was Fi who did the dumping this time, and yells through his teeth, "Let's play poker!" Because losing all your change to your mom, your mom's friends, and your ex-girlfriend is at least preferable to discussing the break-up while the ex is in the room. As he joins the group at the table, a conversation is already in progress about one of their other friends, whose son is in trouble with a loan shark. Gosh, doesn't that sound just like something Michael might be able to help with? Sure enough, Fi pipes up to say that "Michael sometimes helps people with problems like this. We both do." Michael flashes one of his frozen smiles around the table, like, "Can I please just lose all my money and get out of here?"
As he and Fi are leaving later, he complains to her about what she's signing them up for. "He made the deal, he owes the money. We have no business getting involved in that." Sure, because Michael's never helped out idiots who've made bad decisions before. Fi brings Michael up to speed on what she considers a relevant fact, which is that the guy was trying to invest the borrowed cash for his mom's retirement. Fi then tells Michael he owes her, for some reason. "I gave you the car!" he reminds her. Not good enough for Fi. She wants to help the guy because "he chose to put somebody he loved over himself. That's why." The "unlike you, Michael" part of that statement is left unspoken. "Let's go," says a defeated Michael, before Fi can amend that omission.
Michael and Fi go straight to the home of Diane, who lets them in while telling them that her son, Andy, is sweet but dumb. And now he's $200,000 in hock to boot. Sounds like a real prize. The saddest part is that the actor playing Diane is Cindy Pickett, probably best known as Ferris Bueller's mom, and now she has a son who went and lost her retirement money. Trying to keep a persistently affectionate cat off his lap, Michael asks Diane if Andy is a gambler, but she says no, he's a cell phone salesman. "He was just trying to make money so he could take care of me." At this point, Andy himself walks in, a polo-shirted doof with a mouse under one eye. He's not thrilled about other people coming in on this, because he's such a competent and responsible individual. But when he starts to storm out of the room, Diane takes him by the arm, stopping him so they can have a nice shot to freeze-frame for the subtitles: "ANDY AND DIANE -- THE CLIENTS." Andy doesn't see a way out of his predicament, But Michael reminds him that loan sharks are businessmen, who can be reasonable. "How much money can you still get your hands on?" he asks. "Uh, none of it," Andy says. Apparently the "investment" he was trying to get in on was a tiny bit little illegal, so he'd like to talk to Michael and Fi about it outside. That should keep him out of trouble with his mom.
Out in the yard, Andy tells his story. He started going to a club called Velvet and met the owner, a guy named Zeke ("Zeke!" says Michael). Andy goes on to explain that Zeke let him in on a share of the club, and he started earning money back right away on a $5,000 cut. Andy even saw fat wads of cash in the office safe. After that, Zeke offered him a share in a new club...in Cuba. Michael and Fi close down, both sitting on the lip of a convenient trailer and folding their arms as Andy tells them a story they already know: he gave Zeke $200,000 in cash, and the FBI showed up seconds later. "Can I tell the rest of this story, just to save time?" Michael asks. "The feds rush in, arrest Zeke, but not before rushing you out the back." "Zeke's under indictment," Fi adds, "but he's promising not to turn you in." Michael continues: "The feds take the cash, but..." "...at least you got your freedom," Fi finishes. Andy's a little slow to realize that he was conned. "You think Zeke will give the money back when he finds out I'm onto him?" Andy asks. Yeah, that's usually how it works, right? I would think most reputable con men have a 100% money back guarantee, if only to protect their repeat business and word-of-mouth. Michael doesn't share my optimism, but he says there are "other ways." I sense a Job Of The Week coming on.
Cut to the club that night. It's one of those TV-trendy places, with blue lights, loud music, expensive drinks, hot women dancing on bars and tables with their underwear showing, and not one person who looks remotely like Andy, raising the question of how he ended up there in the first place, let alone met the owner. Michael and Fi are there, however, and she keeps getting on Michael's (and my) nerves by pointing out hotties to him. "You are gonna have to get back out there sooner or later." Oh, for God's sake. It was irritating enough when she was trying to get back into Michael's love life, and worse when she was his love life. Now you're telling me she's not done mucking around with it? Please. Fortunately, Michael is more focused on the task at hand, namely getting past the two giant goons guarding to the entrance to the VIP room, behind which (according to Andy) is Zeke's office. And Zeke himself makes an appearance, along with the subtitles reading, "ZEKE -- CON MAN." Zeke, by the way, is being played by Hey! It's That Guy Patrick Fabian, who was in the very first episode I ever recapped of anything. Glad to see we're both still getting work. Zeke's got a blonde on his arm, which leads to the point Michael's VO wants to make: "Exploiting an asset is easier when they have a vice. An addiction you can feed. Drugs, money, respect, women." That's Fi's cue, and she accordingly lets her hair down to go approach Zeke, throwing in a rather transparent bit of business to try to make Michael jealous. Saying she can handle this on her own, she cuts Michael loose to go meet Waseem from the Pakistani consulate, with whom Michael apparently has an appointment. "Just don't work too hard!" he yells after Fi as she dances away. Yeah, telling Fi not to try so much isn't going to get him anywhere.
Michael leans against the bar in a South Beach restaurant when Waseem (the Pakistani spy, remember?) wanders in, carrying the empty folder with Michael's Urdu handwriting on it. Apparently it says that Michael would meet him wearing a white shirt and a kind of spicy goat cheese. "I was trying to say 'black pants,'" Michael explains, apologizing for his rusty Urdu and the retroactive disappointment it has surely caused a fair number of forum posters. With little preamble, they get down to business: Waseem wants his documents back, and Michael wants information on a woman who worked in Kurdistan 15 years ago. Describing Carla, he says, "I don't have her real name, but she was very distinctive, very attractive, very forceful." And very young, if we're talking a decade and a half ago, not that I'm at all clear on how Michael arrived at that time frame. Waseem says that he's asking for something worth more than what he has, so no deal. Yes, I'm sure the Pakistani intelligence service jealously guards its information on unpaid interns from the early nineties.
Meanwhile, Fi has gotten herself into Zeke's VIP room, and is pretending to get ready to canoodle with him on the bed he's got in there when she makes him spill his martini on her instead. "Bloody hell!" she Brits, blaming him, and demands directions to his private bathroom. Actually, she says, "Where's your loo?" And I don't know how this is possible, but her English accent is actually less convincing than her American one. He directs her down a secret hall toward the back. On the way there, she pulls out a hairpin, which, as Michael's VO informs us, "is as good as a key, most of the time. But not when the lock is a magnetic card reader." Which Zeke's is. Fi gives up for the night. Girlfriend needs to invest in some magnetic hairpins.
day at Michael's loft, Fi is briefing Sam and Michael on what she learned last night. She says security is tight, and Zeke is even smooth, "in a cheesy, Sam kind of way." "Hey, smooth is smooth, baby," Sam smarms, swigging his beer. Don't tell me those two are going to start getting along. The problem is that Zeke keeps his security card on him all the time, and he'll get suspicious if Fi gets close enough again to swipe it from him. And what's more, Fi adds, "[Zeke] only lets girls and marks past security." Well, with the girl on the team all used up (so to speak), Sam says, "One of us has to play the fool." He braces himself for a putdown from Fi, but she's got Michael in mind for the part instead. When she leaves, Sam asks how the Pakistani-blackmailing is going. Michael isn't ready to give up on that. "He's a good guy. Likes Miami. Might be an angle there." Then Michael's cell phone rings. It's Diane, with the news that the loan shark and his thugs are at the house, looking for Andy. "Sit tight, we're coming," Michael promises, which should help make the imminent beatings more bearable.
Michael and Sam pull up outside Diane's house in the Charger. Sam offers to handle the lookout posted in the front yard while Michael heads in. Inside, a couple of goons are beating on Andy, while the loan shark himself, a scraggly-looking guy with a Russian accent ("BARANSKI -- THE LOAN SHARK," the subtitles helpfully inform us) apologizes insincerely to Diane. Michael comes in, providing a distraction and offering to come to an agreement. Baranski tells Michael that Andy owes him $200,000 -- two-thirty, with the vig. Michael picks up a handy copy of Cat Fancy, and as he holds it up to ostensibly show them how harmless Andy and Diane are, his VO explains, "The key to hand-to-hand combat is being able to close the distance between you and your opponent without putting them on their guard." Really? I thought the key to hand-to-hand combat was whaling on the other guy. Shows what I know. But somehow Michael's tactic works, even as he approaches the goons while tightly rolling up the magazine, which he then uses to take them both down, along with a couple of well-placed elbows. "Impressive," Baranski admits. "But now it's on you, too." He gives Michael two days, or else he's going to need more than a magazine. Michael just smiles back, confident that in a clutch, he can probably get a hold of a trade paperback at the very least.
After the ads, Diane ices Andy's bruises while Michael and Sam explain that they're going to go steal the money back from the safe at the club that very night. Andy wonders if Michael is able to crack safes. "Some," Michael says. Fortunately Andy thinks he would recognize Zeke's safe if he saw it again, but he wonders how Michael is going to get back there in the first place, since Zeke only admits women and "investors.". He's a little slow to realize that Michael plans to play the part of Zeke's new mark. What's amazing isn't that Andy got conned, but that he doesn't get conned every day.
Waseem is having a romantic picnic in a park with a blonde when suddenly Michael appears at their side and flops down on their blanket with a jovial, "Wassup, Waseem?" Which I'm sure Waseem has never heard before. Waseem tries to get Michael's name as a pretext for introducing him to his date, but Michael just calls himself, "Mr. Inconsiderate. I should have brought a fruit salad." He once again asks Waseem to reconsider the information swap he proposed earlier, but Waseem isn't budging. So Michael concedes defeat and hands Waseem an envelope with the documents he stole inside it. Little does Waseem know that Sam's snapping pictures of the handoff from a distance, and I don't think it's to prove that Michael is returning what he stole. His work done, Michael takes his leave. For now.
Michael and Andy are at the loft, going through Fiona's huge collection of safe manuals ("Just a hobby of hers," Michael explains). Fortunately, Andy has identified the model of safe that's installed in Zeke's office, and Michael has identified a strategy to get it open: "I just knock the lock off with a hammer." The tricky part is going to be carrying the cash out, but Michael's got that covered; he plans to sneak it into the outgoing trash and retrieve it from the Dumpster afterwards. A grateful Andy offers Michael a little gift in lieu of payment: a shopping bag full of cell phones from his store. Which Michael actually appreciates. "I can find a use for them," he says sincerely, as anyone who's watched more than two episodes of this show will realize what an understatement that is. Just then they hear Madeline knocking and hollering at the door. Michael signals Andy to get away from the lock, but he lets her in anyway. Is Andy one of those idiot cell phone salesmen who's always getting thwarted by the Alltel guys in those commercials? Because I think that's the only way someone as slow-witted as him could hold on to his job. "I just want to say your son's awesome," Andy gushes to Madeline. "Smartest guy I ever met," Andy says. I should snark on that, but Madeline's going to cover it in a second. For now she just thanks him, and Andy's on his way. "Sweet kid. I can see why he's in trouble," Madeline says to Michael when they're alone. Oh, man, I can't believe I let her field that one. He asks what she wants, and she claims she's looking for her missing salad spinner until he tells her to cut the crap. The truth is that she's still upset about Michael's breakup with Fiona, So much so that she left her house and went over to Michael's to interrupt him while he's throwing a shirt and jacket on over some kind of thief-sheath. It looks like the top of a wetsuit, but with seamless shoulder pockets so Michael can stow stuff in there. A hammer, though? I don't get it. Anyway, Madeline thinks Fiona is the best thing in his life, which is the saddest thing I've ever heard. "You're the best thing in my life," Michael grins back at her. Correction: that's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life. No wonder he wants to get back into the spy game. He tells her he doesn't want to talk about it. Madeline says she'll talk to Fiona, and storms out. "Great," Michael says. He should really be happier about this; if Fi and his mother are talking about him, at least they're not talking to him.
Later, at the club, Michael is fully in character, surrounded by bimbettes and playing a character best described as any guy from The Hills combined with Jethro from The Beverly Hillbillies. He's surrounded by babes and saying things like "veggatarian," with a hard G. He waves at Fiona, down at the other end of the bar with Zeke, like the two of them are old friends and not a pair of semi-codependent semi-ex black ops types. Zeke asks Fiona who Michael is. Fiona says Michael is "Davis, some oil baron's kid." Zeke's mark-radar goes off and he asks Fi for an introduction to "Davis." She leads him over, and Michael drawls at Zeke, "Friend, you're ruinin' my ratio. I have a good ratio goin' on. I got four ladies to one Davis." Zeke obligingly calls some more ladies over, and Michael is suddenly a lot more friendly. Just then Zeke gets a call on his cell phone and takes it, but he doesn't get further than addressing the caller as "Honey Bear" before Michael grabs the phone and tells Honey Bear, "He's gonna mind his manners." Then he drops Zeke's phone in his drink and sets the drink on the bar. Zeke actually not only apologizes for his rudeness, he asks Michael to join him for a drink. Michael even accepts obnoxiously. He's really earning those cell phones.
In the VIP room, Zeke is glad-handing Michael, trying to get him to sign onto the nonexistent Havana deal. While he's selling him on that, Fi comes over and sticks her tongue down Zeke's throat as cover for swiping Zeke's key card and slipping it to Michael. As soon as everyone's tongues are safely back where they belong and the key card is safely where it doesn't, Michael asks for directions to the "head." "That way," grins Zeke, hoping for the hem of Fi's dress to actually fly up over her waist like it keeps threatening to.
Michael goes straight to Zeke's office, and we're about to learn a little about safecracking, courtesy of Michael's VO: "There are two schools of safecracking. Some people like to beat the lock, some people like to break the lock, but it doesn't matter if the safe is sitting wide open." Which Zeke's is. Michael shakes his head and starts to help himself, but the bundles of cash inside are just stacks of newspaper strips with real bills on the outside serving as camouflage. Michael calls Sam (waiting outside by the Dumpster) to report this development. Tired of surprises, Michael decides on the spot to bug Zeke's office. "Put your phone on mute and plug it in," he orders Sam. While Sam bitches futilely about Michael tying up his cell phone, Michael gets busy hiding a phone of his own inside Zeke's desktop computer. He's barely gotten started before Fi calls him to alert him to a possible issue: "Looks like Zeke's got partners." Indeed, a couple of serious-looking guys in suits have shown up, and subtitles confirm it: "ZEKE'S PARTNERS." Michael just starts wiring faster. His VO explains that the CIA would have loved to have something like cell phones to use as listening devices thirty years ago, although they do use up a lot of power. "If there's no charger handy, an unused USB port will do the trick." Good thing Zeke had one of those handy. Michael finally gets it set up and replaces, just as Zeke's partners are heading down the hallway to the office, where Michael will certainly be discovered. Even Fi's starting to get nervous. But when they enter the office, Michael's gone, and he emerges from the bathroom door, with no one the wiser. Back in the VIP room, he slips the key card back to Fi, who in turn slips it back to Zeke, and then literally heaves Fi up on his shoulder and carries her out like a caveman. He could have completed the illusion if he'd only clubbed her over the head first. I'm just saying.
The morning at Michael's loft, he and Sam are briefing Diane and Andy about the situation. Andy's freaking out, what with having only one day left and still no money in hand and all, but the others -- including Diane -- tell him to chill. Sam provides the tidbit that the FBI guys who showed up during Andy's con were actually Zeke's partners, and then plays back a little recording from Michael's bug. In it, Zeke and his partners are excitedly talking about scoring off of "Davis." Wouldn't you think that pulling cons like this would have gotten a lot harder since the invention of Google? I mean, I punch in "Davis Cullen" and the first result is...okay, never mind. Anyway, Sam explains that they need to convince Zeke to show "Davis" his money before "Davis" will give up his. Andy still doesn't get it, but Diane does; the con men are about to get conned. Just like con men always do when they have the bad luck to wander into an episode of a TV series. I mean, shit, it happened to Patrick Fabian on Xena one time. You'd think at least he would learn.
Michael meets Zeke at the otherwise quiet and empty club and introduces "Chuck, the pain-in-the-ass wet nurse that's watchin' my money." "Chuck" is of course Sam, playing Charles Finley, which just happens to be the name of a character he played in another con Michael ran during the first season. I think he's even wearing the same suit. As Michael ducks behind the bar to fix his own drink, Sam takes Zeke aside to warn him that "Davis Cullen can be difficult." Zeke of course is not worried, since it's not like he's planning a long-term partnership here. Sam asks what Zeke's investment is, and Zeke explains (like he did to Michael) that he doesn't put up any of his own money. Sam looks dubious. "To win a negotiation, you have to show you're willing to walk away," Michael VOs. Zeke continues talking, but when he mentions Havana, Sam shuts down. "And the best way to show you're willing to walk away is to walk away." Which Sam does. Zeke turns to Michael and says, "I don't think we have a deal." Michael angrily hurls his shot glass into Zeke's top shelf, shattering several bottles. I like how he keeps throwing property damage in with this whole act, just to go the extra mile. "We'll see about this," he vows.
Fi shows up at Madeline's house for poker again, but the other ladies aren't there yet. That's because Madeline asked them to show up later so she could have a chance to talk to Fi alone, about her breakup with Michael. She says some nice things to Fi, and Fi responds that while she'll always care about Michael, "I just can't be the second..." "...most important thing in his life," Madeline finishes. Wouldn't that be a promotion? Still, that's good enough for Madeline. So with that out of the way, they've still got fifty-nine minutes to kill and only one six-pack of beer to do it with.
Waseem is eating at an Indian restaurant with another woman, and when she briefly excuses herself, Michael plops into her seat. "A Pakistani spy eating at an Indian restaurant," he tsks. "My friend, you have gone native." He shows Waseem the photos Sam took of the handoff, which without context looks a lot like a bribe. And that's in addition to the free lunch Waseem is accepting right now, as of the friendly wave Michael tips to the waiter, Rajiv. Waseem says he hasn't done anything wrong, and while Michael admits that's true, and Waseem might even keep his job, he'd be done in Miami if this came out. "You've been made, approached, possibly compromised. You'd be relocated to a different consulate...Libya? Honduras? How's Serbia these days?" He leaves Waseem to think on how many Serbian chicks he could get away with dating simultaneously.
Back at Velvet, Michael (as Davis) has pretended to drag Sam (as Charles) back to finalize the deal with Zeke. But "Charles" has two conditions. He wants some paperwork that doesn't say "Cuba" anywhere on it, and he wants Zeke to put matching funds in an offshore escrow account. Zeke balks at that, and Sam balks right back, getting up to walk away again. Realizing that Michael isn't going to intervene this time, Zeke calls Sam back and says he'll do it their way. He and Michael shake on it as Michael and Sam leave. What, no Michael Westen VO about how con men can't afford to want a score so bad they lose their objectivity? And speaking of that, why is Zeke trying to cheat a trust fund kid out of the same amount he conned from a cell phone salesmen? Zeke's business model just doesn't seem all that scalable, if you ask me.
But later, listening to more recordings from Zeke's office, Michael, Fi, and Andy hear Zeke's partners shooting down the idea of letting Zeke have any money for any length of time. Hearing this, Andy freaks out, saying he's got five hours to pay off Baranski. Michael's already on that, calling Baranski on his cell phone for more time. We see Baranski on the other end of the line, stalking through some dingy kitchen that likely reeks of borscht. Baranski is surprisingly reasonable about the delay, but says there's someone there who isn't as patient. "Tell Andy his mother is very disappointed with him." And indeed, Diane is sitting there in Baranski's kitchen, looking nervous. Michael's expression is not dissimilar.
After the ads, Michael and Fi are trying to calm Andy down and telling him to trust them. Without Diane there to help, it takes some doing.
And later, at a sidewalk café, Michael appears to have patched things up with Barry, the Money Launderer (although the subtitles appear to have cut Barry loose). Michael wants Barry to dummy up two hundred large in an offshore account somewhere, and isn't interested in Barry's excuses. "You've never written a bad check? You were called "Bad Check Barry.'" Barry says he can do some hocus-pocus bouncing some money through a bunch of different time zones, but it's only going to be one panicked bank manager's phone call away from disappearing at any moment -- Michael will have it for five minutes, max. Michael asks for ten. "For anybody else, Michael, it'd be three," Barry informs him. Michael gets right up from the table and jumps on his cell phone, drawling, "Zeke, it's Davis. I'm in!" I hope that five minutes isn't starting now.
Michael drives up to a huge rental house in the Saab. Zeke lets him in, and has the laptop all ready to do the transaction and then call some girls over to celebrate. Michael gets on his cell and reads off the account number on Zeke's laptop, and they settle in to wait. After a few "suspenseful" seconds of staring at the screen and not even hitting the refresh button once, the balance on the screen changes from zero to $200,000. "Blondes or brunettes?" Zeke asks as he dials his phone. "Why choose?" Michael responds. Of course Zeke is calling not his poontang hotline but his partners, who are sitting in a car outside, wearing FBI windbreakers and waiting to rush inside. But no sooner have they started their engine than Sam appears at their window, flashing a fake Miami-Dade PD badge and asking them to step out of the car. The cons just keep coming.
Inside the house, Zeke and Michael are having a celebratory drink when suddenly machine gun fire is heard from outside. That would be Sam, blowing up the gas tank on Zeke's partners' car. So just to update the tally for the season: we've blown up a private plane (mostly offscreen) and two cars in three episodes. No wonder they've been marketing the show so hard. Michael and Zeke rush to the window, the latter in panic and confusion, and the former cold as ice as he talks (or pretends to talk to) to someone on his cell phone. Zeke asks who was calling, and Michael (still in character as Davis) tells him it was his new partners, ex-Delta Force guys who were calling to alert him that there were some federal agents waiting to bust in, but not any more. "They killed them?" Zeke gasps, shocked at the carnage he thinks he just witnessed and at the fact that he thinks he just became a solo act. "Nothing gets between me and a deal," Michael smirks. Zeke says the deal's off, but Michael goes off on him. Even when Zeke offers to wire back the money he just received, Michael and tells him that if he wants to back out, he'd better come up with cash, and a lot of it. After all, his guys just killed two federal agents for the thousand-percent return on the investment that Zeke promised. Zeke looks like he's about to be sick, which would totally ruin that laptop.
So they rush back to the club, although an editing error makes it look like they're arriving at night. In a panic, Zeke opens the safe behind the bar (causing Michael to secretly roll his eyes at the realization that it was there all along) and stuffs the entire contents into a duffel as fast as he can. "$246,000," he says. "You think it's enough? You think the guys are going to want more?" "You better hope not," Michael threatens, walking out with duffel in hand. Once he's gone, Zeke helps himself to a drink in his office. Suddenly his partners walk in. To say he's surprised to see them is an understatement. And when he sits down to check the balance on that account only to find it back at zero, he tells them, "Okay, that's wrong." Then he has to break the news that he gave Michael all the cash in the safe. And the partner closes the door on the scene in a way that tells me that we shouldn't count on Zeke becoming a recurring character.
Andy waits nervously at his mom's house for Baranski to show up with Diane, at the appointed time of two p.m. See what I mean about it being unlikely that Michael and Zeke went to the club at night? I doubt any of the parties involved would have wanted to wait another full day to complete this transaction. When Baranski's car pulls up, Andy and Michael rush out to meet Diane as she emerges from the car unharmed. Bara ski pops the car's trunk and Michael puts the duffel inside, saying it's all there, minus $300. Turns out he got Baranski a lifetime subscription to Cat Fancy. Baranski would rather have the three hundred, but Michael tells him it's a good investment: "Now you'll have a monthly reminder to keep your hands off of people's mothers," Michael assures him. Plus a lot of raw material for Baranski to get out of usury and into something more productive to society, like LOLcats. After he leaves, Diane and Andy both hug Michael in gratitude, offering to do whatever they can in return. "Do your mom a favor," Michael says. "Go to a bank time." You think Michael kept any of the leftover sixteen grand? Even enough to cover his expenses? No, me either.
Michael shows up at his own mom's house, probably scavenging for some more car parts. Joining her at the sink while she washes dishes, he offers to talk to her about Fi. They snipe at each other a bit, but the point is that she worries about him and wants him to have a family of his own. "This is about grandchildren?" he says incredulously. I share his disbelief; if that were the case, Madeline should encourage Michael to pair off with a woman who owns a pelvis. She says, "Having kids just makes the ride more fun." "I was fun?" Michael asks doubtfully. Madeline's only answer to that is a smile and an affectionate pat on his cheek. How she can smile at the thought of Michael trying to be a dad is only the latest of Madeline's mysteries.
Michael's sitting and eating lunch in a restaurant when Waseem plops down himself and a fat file to Michael. Michael opens the dossier and VOs happily about the contents, of which all we can see is a photo of Carla in a Jeep and a bunch of heavily redacted English text. He gives Waseem the negatives of Sam's fake bribe photos, and their dealings with each other are at an end. Michael remembers to thank Waseem for lunch, confusing him. "Your turn, Waseem," he says, leaving the check. Another satisfied customer.
Outside, Michael meets Sam, who I guess doesn't get to eat. But Sam isn't too hungry to notice Michael's good mood. "I think I found Carla's cover," Michael smiles. And with that, they climb into the Charger, pausing only long enough for Michael to adjust his side view mirror so he can grin at us through it before driving off.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com