By M. Giant
Jesse's casually stalking his old boss at a spy convention, hoping to a) find out more about that bank robbery lead that Kendra gave them last week and b) maybe get his job back. Obviously b) isn't going to happen, and while trying to help Jesse accomplish a), Michael spots a Russian black ops team and gets real curious about what they're in town for. Turns out they're here to kill a former spy played by Burt Reynolds. The team takes Burt under their wing, trying to get him some protection despite the fact that a no-good Congressman had him "lightly toasted." After a little bit of blackmail and a whole lot of running from Russian bad guys, the congressman relents and Paul will be getting a new life under government protection.
As for Jesse's old boss, he comes through with some information on the bank heist. And he also comes through with some proof that Jesse didn't do what he was burned for. Although it's not enough to get Jesse's job back, it's probably more than enough to cause some pretty ugly conversations between Michael and Jesse. Which is why it's probably good that Fi decides not to pass on the information that could lead Jesse to the person who really burned him, that person being (you recall) Michael. But there's a pretty ugly conversation between Michael and Fi, which is almost as bad.
Michael VOs that spies have it all over psychiatrists when it comes to analyzing people's behavior, probably because they have to trust their friends with their lives. Which must be why Michael and Fi quiz Jesse about why he's dragged them into the middle of one of the beach-porn montages that the characters don't normally participate in. Jesse admits that he's doing one of those things Michael used to do, namely haunting the annual spy convention in Miami. And this beach just happens to be right across from the hotel hosting the convention. Jesse's hoping to run into his old boss Marv, which is why he's staring at Marv's unattractive wife on the beach. His hope is that Marv might not only help him get his old job back, but maybe look into that failed bank robbery Kendra told them about at the end of last week, because the team hasn't been able to find anything out about it on their own. Michael likes the latter idea, and as he watches Mrs. Marv's charmless interaction with another beachgoer, he adds, "If that was my wife, I know where I'd be." Because while Fi may also hit people, at least she's easier on the eyes.
Cut to the hotel bar, where H!ITG Richard Kind as "Marv -- Jesse's Old Boss" is having some drinks. Michael plops down to him, and knowing Marv won't want to be seen with him (let alone with Jesse, who's lurking visibly on the far side of the room), Michael asks Marv to look into that failed bank robbery for them Marv says he can't have anything to do with them, and gets up and leaves. The team reconvenes at the bar to discuss how they'll change Marv's mind, but Michael is soon distracted by the sight of some guys with a lot of camera bags. And why bring cameras to a place where people don't want to have their picture taken, unless the bags are actually full of smuggled-in weapons? Michaels figure that means they're looking at a Russian wet works team. Good thing the hotel is full of spies who will certainly sniff them out and our heroes can go home, right? No? No, of course these three freelancers are going to take it upon themselves to approach them and try to figure out what they're up to. You know, like anyone would.
Fi and Jesse engineer it so that the smallest of the assassins is alone on an elevator with Jesse. Jesse hits the button for the fourth floor, and when the door opens, there's Fi pointing a gun in the Russian's face and asking what his mission is. He's not in a sharing mood, so Jesse knocks him out and they end up dragging him out the front of the hotel in a big steamer trunk. Which they just had lying around, I guess. "Even a day at the beach isn't a day at the beach with you people," Jesse carps at Michael and Fi, who look at each other like, How is this our fault? They're not wrong.
After the titles and ads, Sam has joined Michael and Fi (and Jesse's been ditched somewhere along the way) at an abandoned shipyard to interrogate their captive, because Michael's in a big hurry to find out whether he's the target. As Michael VOs about how sometimes an interrogation has to be rushed, Sam relieves the spook of his passport, which according to the subtitles identifies him as "Alexi -- Russian Operative." "That's kind of a girly name for a Russian operative, isn't it?" Sam taunts. He asks Alexi if Michael Westen's the target, but to Alexi, that's just a famous but fictional name, like Keyser Soze or Santa Claus. Nice intelligence, Russia. Enter Michael, looking all bad-ass and with the soundtrack obviously mistaking him for fucking Danny Trejo or something. He shows Alexi his driver's license, the photo for which was apparently taken on a break from shooting an 80s music video. Alexi isn't convinced, so Michael busts out the Russian, claiming to have shot a guy who looked like Alexi in Kiev in '93 and wondering if it might have been Alexi's brother. Well, since Alex looks like he would have been about three years old back then, Alexi's father is a more likely candidate. Small world, either way. "The Spetsnaz team that tried to sell a warhead...nobody ever saw them again," Michael reminisces darkly. Alexi still refuses to talk, so up comes Fi with a knife, saying all he has to do to save his team from...well, them -- is tell them what their mission is. After some more threats from Michael, Alexi cracks and says they're after a guy named Paul Anderson, who has a job at the Banana Fish bar. Well, that was easy.
After getting Alexi back in the trunk (the piece of luggage, that is) to put it in the trunk (of the car, that is), Michael asks Sam if he knows where that bar is. Sam: "Uh, yeah? It's a bar?" Michael tasks Fi with keeping an eye on Jesse, because they'll have problems if Marv happens to find out who really committed the crime that Jesse was burned for. Because as we all know, the one who did that was Michael. Although what that has to do with a bank heist is kind of an open question if you ask me.
Michael and Sam head over to a crowded bar -- an outdoor one on the beach, like one-third of Miami's bars -- and ask the bartender where to find Paul Anderson. Because they're not expecting Paul to be played by an actor that you and I recognize, so he's able to easily misdirect them, giving himself a chance to get behind them and stick a gun in Sam's ribs. Of, course, that's not as scary as what's holding the gun, which is a creepy marionette carved to look like an old Burt Reynolds, complete with a jaunty neckerchief that it'll be wearing all episode, presumably to hide the head-joint. "It's been a long time since anyone called me Paul," says Paul. Michael tells Paul about the Russian team that's coming after him. "That's the worst news I've heard all day," Paul says mildly. If true, that probably makes him the luckiest bartender in the world.
In the bar's kitchen, we learn Paul's backstory -- back in the 80s, when the real Burt Reynolds was paying his bills with such youthful title roles as "Stick" and "Malone," he got the goods on some Russian satellites and had to go underground. Sam's heard of that accomplishment, though not Paul, because a certain congressman named Cowley wanted it kept quiet. Coincidentally, that same Cowley just happens to be the keynote speaker at the spy convention going on in town right now. Which might be while Paul was moved to get on the internet to bitch about said congressman, and ended up outing himself. Sam peeks outside and notices the arriving Russian bad-asses. Michael says they can keep their exit quiet, and Sam snatches Paul's gun to keep him from commencing a shooting war in the crowded bar, calling him "old-timer" in the process. Paul agrees to do it their way, pleasantly adding, "If you call me old-timer again, you're gonna be wearing your ass around your head. Like a hat." With that, he becomes "Paul -- The Client."
The three of them head back out into the bar, and Michael quickly spots the boss, "Vitali -- Wet Work Specialist." Michael starts to "make a path," which, as he VOs, means taking advantage of the fact that the who are people after you in a crowd can't see each other all the time. He knocks out one with a funnel and another with a fist, wile Paul calls one "Boris" ("They always answer to Boris," he says) and knocks him out so they're free to walk out unmolested. Paul agrees that it was more fun without the guns. And he didn't even get to use the funnel.
It apparently takes the rest of the day to get Paul over to Michael's loft. Sam and Michael think it'll just be for one night while they arrange for some official protection for Paul, but it's more complicated than that. Although Paul denies being burned, he is "a little toasty." And the friends he has who are still alive are pissed at him. He's ready to leave, until he gets a load of Fi. At which point he vaults the fence. Okay, not really.
Upstairs, Paul is talking to Fi about their exploits of that afternoon: "They used to call it karate, but I think they got a new word for it now." "Foreplay?" Fi asks flirtily. "Hello!" Paul leers. Michael and Sam tell Paul he can't keep dodging Russians indefinitely, so they need to get him "back in" -- preferably with some of that dirt Paul says he has on Rep. Cowley. But there's the question of getting Paul's blackmail file from his place, which the Russians certainly have staked out by now. Fi and Michael leave, the former with a bad attitude about Jesse, and Sam with the quip, "Have fun with the Ghost of Christmas Future." Heh.
day, Marv is floating around in the hotel pool, and Fi manages to bump into him on a pool float of her own and pretend to an admirer whom he's met before. In addition to being all flirty, she acts like she has some translation software to sell and offers to set up a private meeting. With a guilty look over at his wife, Marv agrees. I don't have a joke here, but if you don't already know about the joke George Clooney once played on Richard Kind and his cat when they were roommates, go look it up. It's better than any joke I could put here anyway.
Fi meets back up with Jesse in the hotel, and after telling him it's all set up with Marv, she makes her case to Jesse telling him to give up on getting back in and doing good where he can. It's because she's already seen this with Michael. Which of course means she should probably also know better than to waste her breath. Sure enough, Jesse insists, "I'm not stopping until the people that burned me are six feet under." Fi refrains from asking if he would mind being very old before that happens.
Outside the hotel, Sam tries to waylay Congressman Cowley by pretending to be a vet with disability issues. "I'm one of your constituents," he warns. "Yeah, but just one," sighs "Bill Cowley - Congressmen" from the back of his limo before rolling up the window. "This isn't over!" Sam calls after the departing car. Did he really think it would be that easy to have a one-on-one with a member of Congress? Maybe he should have waved a briefcase full of cash. Instead, Sam calls up Madeline for help. Luckily, she already hates Bill Cowley, so she's up for whatever. Especially since she hasn't actually been seen on the show since the first of the month.
Michael and Paul show up outside Paul's place, which the Russians do indeed have staked out so tightly that Michael and Paul can just get out of the car and discuss Michael's metaphysical future right there on the street. Of course Paul says that Michael reminds him of himself when he was younger, and warns him that eventually you start just collecting ghosts. Michael remarks that Paul doesn't seem all that haunted. "Rum helps," Paul explains. "A lot." So does sleepwalking through your performance. But on to the issue of how to get into Paul's place. Michael opens the trunk to reveal their buddy Alexi tied up, wearing explosives and not much else. That'll be the diversion while Paul gets the file. Sucks to be Alexi, man.
Michael somehow gets Alexi on his knees out on the street without anyone noticing, and calls out Vitali and his other guy. "I'm Michael Westen," he tells Vitali. "Yeah, that one," he adds, seeing Vitali's reaction. Michael wants Vitali and his team to leave town. Vitali draws on Michael, saying that if he kills Michael Westen, he becomes a Russian hero. Michael breaks the news, (because apparently Vitali is blind and was going to shoot at the sound of Michael's voice) that Alexi is loaded down with enough C4 to kill them all, and Michael's holding the detonator with a dead man's switch, which means Alexi will explode if Michael gets shot. "No more Alexi, no more Vitali, no more...that guy." The Russians put down their guns, and Vitali tell Michael he's after Paul. Michael takes off, having bought himself and Paul the few minutes it's going to take Vitali to defuse Alexi. But at least there are no bystanders, passersby, or anyone else at all to distract them, because you'd think one of them might have had something to say about a bunch of guys in suits having a standoff over another guy in his underwear and a bomb in the middle of the street.
Michael drives around to the back of Paul's place, but Paul isn't coming out, so Michael has to come in. He finds Paul trying to crack his own safe because he forgot the combo after having too many drinks last night. Michael takes over, using the sound method, which involves duct-taping headphone speakers to safe's door to amplify the sounds of the tumblers. Because they've got nothing but time for this. I mean, they already moved the safe across the room, they can't just throw it into the Charger and crack it at their leisure? Finally Michael gets it open and hands the file inside to Paul, who can't believe he forgot the day his mother died. They hear the Russians outside, and Paul wants to go out shooting. Which he does, while Michael bustles him into the Charger and they drive off. Poor Paul still hasn't gotten to kill any Russians, and he's not very happy about it.
They seem to have lost them during the ads, which gives Paul a chance to show off a letter signed by Cowley about a secret, illegal, and bloody deployment into Bogota that he ordered in 1986 and subsequently covered up. Before we can spend too much time wondering how a congressman managed that on his own in the first place, oops, the Russians are back on their tail. Michael figures they have satellite support. Paul leans out the window and stars shooting behind them. "Stop that right now!" Michael scolds paternally. He "loses" them by getting stuck in a traffic jam a few cars ahead. Solid plan, that. Paul figures the Russians are now just debating whether to grab him right there on the crowded street. So Michael gets out and sneaks back around to the vehicle behind them, which luckily happens to be towing a boat. He VOs that while high-speed chases are dangerous, nothing is as treacherous as a "no-speed chase." Uh, because that's not a chase at all? "Your car's no longer being pursued, you are. Just because your car can't move, doesn't mean you can't." From the back of that boat, which by the way he just unhooked from the trailer, Michael steals a handy flare gun and an oilcloth, like he knew exactly where they were. He brings them back to the Charger, then pulls onto the median to continue fleeing. The truck behind him that was hauling the boat pulls ahead to fill the gap, but since Michael unhooked the boat, it falls off onto he pavement, blocking Vitali's pursuit. They're in the open again with the Russian contingent down to one pursuing pickup. Paul picks this time to bring up Fi, but Michael tells him to "light that on fire." Unfortunately, he is changing the subject. Paul leans out the window and opens up the oilcloth in the slipstream, then releases it so it gets stuck on the hood and windshield of the pursuing truck. And then Paul shoots it with the flare gun, setting it alight. So that's the truck out of the chase, and Paul got to shoot something after all.
Michael calls Sam, who says they're about to be ready to meet them, with Madeline's help. Michael's not happy she's in on this, but there's not time to argue. It's only a matter of time before the Russians catch up with them, with their fancy spy satellites and a Russian version of Chloe O'Brian somewhere helping them out and all. Too bad Miami doesn't have any covered parking structures where Michael can ditch the Charger for a while. After they hang up -- and Cowley finishes a stump speech in what appears to be the middle of a street -- Madeline goes up to Cowley and quietly advises him to tell his people he's driving hope alone. "You and I have a meeting with Paul Anderson at your house, and he's ready to talk all about the Columbian thing if you don't." Cowley tries to blow her off, but Madeline's threat to start screaming about their secret affair in the 70s brings him around. Wow, did Michael's dad know about that? No wonder he was always so angry.
Marv shows up at a hotel suite to find Fi waiting for him -- and then Jesse, in the back room. Jesse argues with Marv, who admits that he doesn't want to believe Jesse stole the file, but there was simply too much evidence against him. Jesse says he got burned because he got too close, and asks for the name of the bank Kendra mentioned last week. Marv agrees to make some calls, and to meet Fi tomorrow after his wife goes to sleep. "It's a date," Fi says. Oh, Fi, don't rub it in.
Sam and Madeline deliver Cowley to his home, where he goes inside to find Paul and Michael waiting for him. He's not thrilled to see either of them, in addition to not believing a word of their story of marauding Russians. Paul shows Cowley the blackmail letter, which turns out to be no leverage at all; Cowley says he pinned the whole thing on a two-star general, so he's clean. Which I think this letter would kind of dispute, but Michael seems to buy it. Cowley starts threatening yearly tax audits for Sam and Madeline (probably unaware that Sam's already been audited), and threatens Paul as well. Michael holds Paul back, until Cowley says he'll throw more dirt on Michael's grave just for the hell of it, whereupon he lets Paul go. And Paul obligingly beats the congressman into a coma on his own floor. Belatedly pulling him off the unconscious politician, Michael understates, "Probably shouldn't have done that."
After the break, Sam and Madeline have joined them inside, wondering what to do with Cowley, knowing that the Russians are on their way. Michael says they can't leave him to the assassins, but Sam protests, "I am not kidnapping a member of the House of Representatives today." Bad day to make that declaration, Sam. Michael, Paul, and Sam seem to come up with another plan that involves turning Cowley's house "inside out" while killing "two birds with one stone," so apparently they're hoping to take advantage of the Russians' aversion to mixed metaphors. I'm not following any of this, but Madeline can tell she should probably catch a cab. Good call.
After some vague edits involving nails and power tools, the three spies look out the window to see the Russians pulling up outside. Paul roughly wakes up Cowley, who's still in denial about the Russians until he peers through the shades and sees them outside. Time for him and Paul to go.
Michael and Sam, meanwhile, hole up in Cowley's den. Michael VOs that Russian Spetsnaz teams are all about laying siege, then synchronizing their attacks. "Their discipline makes them difficult to escape but easy to predict." Sure enough, when Alexi comes in, Michael and Sam are ready for him, subduing him and tying him up. And while the rest of the Russians come in through the other doors, Sam and Michael dart outside the way Alexi came in, quickly barring the doors and boarding up the windows from outside, trapping the invaders in the house. Michael sends some bullets and warnings through the front door, offering mercy if they give up. Although Vitali isn't about to surrender, his men are terrified. "It's Michael Westen. There's only four of us!" they panic. A minute later, three guns come flying out through the front door's window, followed by Vitali's. All four men surrender. Although, as Paul and Cowley emerge from the bushes bordering the yard, Vitali is issuing some pretty dire threats about Russia sending more and more people after Paul. Then Vitali goes for another gun, only to get shot down by Paul. Michael and Sam insist Paul drop his weapon. "Are you telling me I can't kill Russians when they invade Florida?" Paul whines. Michael turns his attention to Cowley and tells him the cops are on their way, soon to be followed by the news media. So Cowley has two options: he can make some calls about getting Paul some protection and take credit for singlehandedly capturing a Russian black ops team, or Michael can hang around until the cameras get there and Cowley can explain why he was hanging out with a burned spy. Cowley picks door number one, because you don't get to be in Congress for at least two and a half decades without knowing how to make the tough decisions. I also enjoy how in the world of Burn Notice, it's increasingly true that when something like this goes down the people involved only have to tell their story once and there's no danger of law enforcement or reporters digging into it further.
Michael is helping Paul move out of his apartment. Looks like with the protection Cowley arranged for him, he'll be heading up to Newport, as Paul Vandermark (having to refer to his new driver's license to remember the name, which is an awesome sign). Michael holds up a big old iron skeleton key from Paul's junk drawer and wonders about the story behind it. Paul claims to have forgotten. Rather than letting it drop, because after all this probably has to do with spy stuff, Michael looks at him a long time and asks, "It's not just when you drink, is it?" Nice job, there, Michael -- you almost let him escape with a little dignity. Paul says that in the end, all you have are your stories. Or, failing that, a big old giant skeleton key with a story you can't remember. Better write those memoirs fast, Paul.
Harv meets Fi in the hotel bar and hands her a folder. It contains not only the name of the bank that was almost robbed, but also a security log of the building where Jesse used to work, right up until the day Michael got him burned. It clearly shows discrepancies that seem to indicate that someone else had a copy of Jesse's security card, although apparently that's not enough to get Jesse his job back. But Harv advises Fi to get a hold of the security footage, and she'll find out who did this to Jesse. As soon as he leaves, Fi crumples the sheet in her hand. But doesn't she want to know who burned Jesse?
At the loft, Jesse, Michael, and Fi are going over photos from the bank in question, which looks like a juicy lead. Jesse invites them to go scope out the bank, but they beg off for tonight. Sensing a weird vibe, Jesse heads out. They can always research failed bank jobs tomorrow.
The minute he's gone, Fi smacks Michael in the face as hard as she can. But it's not foreplay this time; she's pissed about having to destroy evidence that would have cleared Jesse. Michael thanks her for that, and when she takes another swing at him, he stops her and says this is bigger than any one person. Because, you know, they're still trying to find some shadowy figure who's starting wars all over the globe. Is even Vaughn interested in that project any more? Fi accuses Michael of turning into someone else -- someone who cares more about the "idea of people" than the actual people who have his actual back every day. Michael says she knows better. Fi says she used to, and stomps out. Probably not for good, alas.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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