By M. Giant
While searching through Miami's trash bins looking for "Bill Johnson," Michael is approached by an old spy friend named Larry (a cadaverous-looking Tim Matheson) who wants Michael to sign on to a murder-for-hire gig. Michael gets on board to sabotage it, and using the occasion to pry Fiona away from her smarmy new paramedic boyfriend for a while is just a bonus. Michael approaches the "dead-ee" and learns that the prime suspect is her stepson, and that he's apparently got more than one contractor on the job. So Michael now has to not only talk down an enraged and bloodthirsty Larry, but also pose as Larry so he can get the stepson to call the job off. Plus, Michael has to personally intercept one of the killers, which seems to work until Larry poses as Michael to call the job back on. Michael and Fi manage to save the dead-ee (with some help from Fi's boyfriend, his ambulance, and Sam's new "buddy"), but when that ol' softie Michael fails to put a sniper bullet in Larry's face during a split-second window of opportunity, Larry kills the stepson and gets away with the cash and an evil monologue. Yeah, I think Larry will be back.
Finally, Sam and Michael track down "Bill Johnson," who is actually named Bill Johnson, and is a sniper who just happens to have the copy of the security badge Michael procured for Carla way back in July. Michael thinks he's got the mystery just about solved, but we'll have to wait until week's finale to find out if it's just another dead end.
As Michael and Sam cruise through the Miami suburbs in the Charger, looking for the "Bill Johnson" who picked up that Dragunov sniper rifle Michael's been tracking, Michael voice-overs about how hard it is to find covert operatives who don't want to be found. "Spies make great neighbors," he explains, simply because they go out of their way not to draw attention to themselves. It's not any easier when you've got what Michael calls "a few dozen suspects," as we see the list of Bill Johnsons that they've been working down, with the ones at the top crossed off. I do hope they've arranged the list by location instead of spending the whole day shuttling back and forth between South Beach and North Beach (if there is such a place as North Beach, of course). As they pull up to a Spanish Colonial or whatever, Michael deadpans, "That's Bill Johnson's house." "That gets funnier every time," Sam lies. On this, their tenth Bill, Sam is agitating for a break, even though Michael bought him a beer after Bill #8. Michael offers to buy the round if Sam will "do the honors," which in this case means opening the trash bins in the driveway. The first Hefty bag Sam grabs leaks viscous brown fluid all over his pants, to his horror. "That's two rounds, Mike!" he calls. Well, considering the kind of bar that Sam will be able to walk into while reeking of garbage, I still think Michael's going to save a few bucks. As they put a couple of sacks into the Charger's trunk and glove up to go through them, Michael VOs about how much someone's garbage can tell you about them. Of course, the shredded documents aren't the giveaway they used to be in this age of rampant identity theft. They look up as an older woman in a muumuu with a purse-dog comes out of the house to check the mailbox, and she doesn't even notice the guys on the corner rooting through her trash. "Great, the guy lives with his mother?" Sam bitches. "I ruined my khakis for nothing." But Michael just found a clue that tells him they've got Carla's sniper after all: an empty, leaky bottle of laundry bluing, which an MWVO explains is a dye that "dry cleaners use by the thimble and covert operatives use by the bottle." Not only does it smear documents (although it failed to hide the handwritten word "Dragunov" on a sheet of notepaper, which is lucky for Michael), it also dyes the hands of any neighborhood dumpster divers. Too bad for "Bill Johnson" that Michael and Sam are wearing rubber gloves. Michael asks Sam to find out everything he can about the "Bill Johnson" they just found. Sam agrees, without even asking for new pants in exchange.
The club outside Michael's fence is really hopping tonight as he approaches the gate with a couple of grocery bags. "Hey, back of the line, pal!" someone calls out. Michael gets as far as "I--" before getting an eyeful of the terrifying specter approaching him. Basically it's a very nice suit, topped off by a grinning skull with hair. Advanced forensic techniques combined with my DVR's pause button allow me to identify the skull as having once belonged to actor Tim Matheson. Clearly Michael has the same skills, and is also able to recognize the walking corpse as well. "Larry," he monotones. "Correct me if I'm wrong but you're dead." Surprisingly, Larry corrects him. The subtitles are hedging, however; they read, "Larry: Undead Spy." No shit. Otter, dude, Animal House was set in 1962, not filmed then. Michael hands Larry one of his grocery bags, and allows him through the gate with him before pushing him against the fence and roughly frisking him. "I always pat down guys who show up who used to be dead," Michael explains. Oh, Michael and his rules. I'm still not convinced about the "used to be" part, though. Larry says he's hoping he and Michael can work together: "I want to pay you a lot of money," he grins cadaverously, "to kill a lady." Why? Does he need a date?
After the titles and the ads, Michael and Larry tote Michael's groceries into the loft. "Still a yogurt man, I see," Larry says. I have to admit, without the full-on grin going he looks more like his former self. Not the Alan Stanwyk from Fletch Tim Matheson, mind you, but at least the John Hoynes from The West Wing version. He mentions that he heard about Michael's burning, and nearly has to don safety goggles to keep from being blinded by Michael's antennae, which are suddenly waving around furiously. "You think maybe I had something to do with it?" Larry scoffs, denying any involvement. It seems Larry has read Michael's dossier, with its lies about Michael's unauthorized kills and selling of secrets, and he took it at face value. Which means he figures that Michael has come around to Larry's way of thinking -- if you're getting paid to kill people, you might as well work for yourself and earn some real money instead of a government pittance. "Murder for hire? Civilians?" Michael says, all judgy. By the way, during this conversation he's been putting away his groceries, which include items that look like a carton of milk, a box of cereal, and a couple of flat boxes that go in the freezer. I had no idea he would go to so much trouble to disguise his yogurt. Larry whips out a head shot of Amy Pietz from Caroline in the City. "Jeannie Anderson," he says with a flourish. "She is our 'dead-ee.' That's my term. It's trademarked." Really? I would like to see that paperwork. Michael doesn't think she looks too scary, but Larry says, "Some people live, some people die, kid." He explains that Jeannie is a cancer nurse who married a rich patient, who went into remission and back into a coma. But before he dies, Jeannie needs to die first. Not too hard to put together what's going on here: "Who doesn't want her to have his money?" Michael asks. Larry says he doesn't know; it's all anonymous, via e-mail. Yeah, that doesn't leave a trail or anything. Michael wonders why Larry needs his help, and Larry explains that he wants Michael to do a solo job for him and "reestablish some kind of trust with me and if everything works out, well, maybe we can work together again." Larry offers Michael twenty thousand, apparently unaware that Michael always works for free. For his part, Michael VOs, "When a bad job comes along, you have two choices, and neither is very appealing. You can pass and watch the job go down, or you can take it and make sure the job gets blown." Seems like he's leaving out a third option there, but never mind. "Make it thirty," he says to Larry, who flashes that dead man's grin again and shakes Michael's hand. On his way out, Larry casually adds, "I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my clients: keep your nose clean. If a cop comes within a mile of this, I kill everybody. And you know me. I mean...everybody." Yikes, when did Tim Matheson get this scary?
morning, Michael leans against the Charger outside what I assume is Fi's apartment building, smiling back at a blonde rollerblader who says "hi" to him. Not that she's his type; in order to get through a door, she'd have to open it. Thus the flirtatious mini-exchange doesn't seem to stop him from being a little bummed when Fi herself shows up, stuck to the arm of a tall, beefy paramedic. This would be "Campbell -- Fiona's Boyfriend," according to the subtitles. He shakes Michael's hand, saying, "Fiona tells me you're a soil scientist." "Yes, yes, I love my dirt," Michael agrees smoothly. He apologizes for calling so early, and Fi grossly tells him they were already up, as in, up. Michael asks Campbell for a moment, and Campbell, equally grossly, goes to order them breakfast. "Don't you just love him?" Fi prods. "I've been hired to kill a woman," Michael says, failing to add, "but I'll do you for free." Instead, he needs Fi's help to find out who wants the prospective dead-ee dead-ed. Fi agrees to go along, but says he owes her. He opens the car door for her. I think they're even now.
As Michael and Fi arrive at a modern art museum and walk across the grounds to the main building, Michael gives Fi a little backstory on Larry. Apparently they worked together in the Balkans in the early nineties, which means that they probably know Jack Bauer. "[Larry] made some poor choices before his death," Michael adds. Yeah, they definitely know Jack Bauer. Off Fi's confused look, Michael explains how 15 people watched Larry go into an oil refinery right before it exploded. "Apparently it was his way of taking early retirement." As they watch Jeannie get out of a blue Prius outside the museum, Michael explains the plan: he'll find out who hired Larry, then blackmail them into cancelling the job and paying Larry off. What he needs from Fi is some alone time with Jeannie. Fi agrees, as long as Michael is the one to break the news to Jeannie that she's a dead-ee. Michael agrees to that, but then he wants Fi to keep an eye on Jeannie afterwards. "Are you trying to keep me away from Campbell?" Fi asks. "Who?" Michael smirks as he heads to the door. Whatever, Michael's doing Campbell a favor.
Inside, Fi is acting like a groupie who wants to help out with Jeannie's upcoming charity event for the museum. She asks for Jeannie's e-mail address and gives her a pen to write it down, but the pen promptly blows up in Jeannie's hand. Since it's Fi, I should probably clarify that by "blowing up" I mean that it spurts ink all over Jeannie, and not that a charge of C4 laced with nitroglycerin turns her and everyone around her, including Fi, into a rain of sloppy giblets. Maybe time. Jeannie excuses herself to the ladies' room to clean up.
While she's trying to get the ink off in the sink, Michael appears behind her in the mirror and softly says, "Jeannie?" Jeannie freaks, and is about to scream before the subtitles freeze-frame her with a succinct "Jeannie -- Dead-ee." But even the subtitles are only good for a few seconds of silence, and when they're up, Michael has to put his hand over Jeannie's mouth to keep her quiet. Her ink-covered hand clamps onto his shoulder, ruining his shirt. He probably should have given her a minute to get rid of that before approaching her, no? He insists that he isn't going to hurt her and asks her to keep quiet. When he takes his hand away, he explains, "I'm Michael. I'm here because somebody was hired to kill you." "Who?" she asks. "Me," he says. Sound's good in the episode preview all right, but it's not quite the thing to calm down a woman who's already on the verge of panic because you just materialized behind her like the goddamn Candyman. She's about to scream again, and Michael puts his hand back just in time. He explains that he's not going to do it, and removes his hand again. She asks who hired him, but as he belatedly locks the door, he says he doesn't know, although there aren't usually that many suspects. Sure enough, Jeannie only takes a moment to realize that it's Drew, her husband's son from his first marriage, who is living at the house with her. Apparently he considers Jeanie a gold-digger. Jeannie wants to just give Drew the money to have him back off, but Michael thinks that's too dangerous. And going to the cops is out of the question: "The people involved in this -- if they find out, we'll all be dead." Besides, this is Burn Notice, where the only reason to call the cops ever is to fool them into showing up when you need them. Michael promises to handle the situation, and adds that Jeannie has met Fiona, who will be posing as a friend from out of town as a pretext to have her stay at the house. Michael asks her to trust him. It's kind of a lot to take on faith from a guy who just accosted her in the women's room and told her all this with no supporting evidence, but she nods. So the question is not how Michael is going to keep her alive, but how someone this gullible lived to adulthood in the first place.
At home, Michael's changing out of his ink-stained shirt and thus displaying a nasty, Seymour-inflicted bruise on his back to the camera. When his mom shows up, ostensibly to share some leftovers, she sees the bruise and freaks, but Michael claims he just "fell down at work." Yeah, he "fell down" after a dude clocked him with a Louisville Slugger. So clumsy. Madeline doesn't buy it, and starts frustratedly spouting therapy-speak: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have an honest exchange with you when you're withholding like this?" "You reading a book or something?" Michael asks. She says she's seeing a counselor, and wants him to come to a session with her. He reminds her that they tried that already and she quit. She says she wants to try again (because this is one of a dwindling number of areas where the show hasn't repeated itself yet), and adds that the new counselor thinks "the best place to facilitate a dialogue is in the home." Read: no budget for an office set this week. She leans on him with a rather weak threat: "If you won't do this for me, then I don't know what to say." I'd be like, "you've got a deal!" But instead, Michael agrees to come to tomorrow's appointment at her house at one o'clock.
Sam shows up late for a lunch meeting with Michael, but at least he's got the folder on "Bill Johnson." "Buddy of mine pulled it," Sam gloats, "in exchange for some Sam time." Michael looks up as Sam smirks, "Not all my buddies are guys." Michael is large with not caring. Sam apparently thinks that Michael can't read, so he explains that "Bill Johnson" -- who is apparently really named Bill Johnson -- is an ex-Marine who did a lot of sharpshooting in the first Gulf War. Then he was dishonorably discharged, after 20 years of exemplary service. Sound like anyone we know? Sam also found out that Bill Johnson sublets a room, which means the woman in the muumuu is his landlady, not his mom. Michael thinks they need to bug Bill Johnson's room. Sam's ready to try it now, but Michael puts it off until tomorrow. "Right now I gotta do a job...with Larry." "I hated that guy," Sam says, and Michael says that Larry's back, so Sam can hate him in the present tense. "Don't tell me you're working with him." Michael assures him it's just the opposite. "In that case," Sam says, "can I help?" Aw, poor Sam and his transparent jealousy of everyone else from Michael's past life. And yet he still keeps inflicting Virgil on Michael. Such a dysfunctional double standard in this relationship.
Fi has joined Jeannie at her gorgeous, white, museum-like house. Jeannie of course doesn't care about any of it, and just wants to be there for her husband until the end. Because she's a saint, you see. For a show that pretends to flirt with the dark side, Burn Notice does have an unfortunate tendency to make some its characters a bit too good to be true. I'd buy Jeannie as a character more if she had one obnoxious cell in her body. Fi seems to agree with me, and asks how long she has until Drew comes home. Jeannie guesses twenty minutes, expositing that Drew's dad bought him a restaurant to run, but he doesn't spend much time there. Heading upstairs, Fi tells Jeannie to let her know if he comes home. As she searches Drew's room with her Bluetooth on, she complains over the line about how gross it is. On the other end of the call is Michael's cell phone in speaker mode back at the loft, and Sam scoffs at her fastidiousness. Inside Drew's trash can, Fi finds a photocopy of a page from Jeannie's datebook, which must be how Larry got his info. Suddenly Jeannie calls up to warn Fi that Drew is home. Fi quickly stashes her cell phone into Drew's box spring to use as a bug, which should allow Michael and Sam to listen in on everything Drew does for the half hour or so. Drew comes in downstairs, asking his stepmom about that Saab in the driveway. Rather than explaining to Drew about product placement, Jeannie gives him the cover story about the friend from out of town while over the phone, Michael warns Fi to get out of there before Drew catches her and Larry kills all of them. As Drew reaches the landing at the top of the stairs, we can see that he's being played by the increasingly puffy Zachery Bryan from Home Improvement (and more recently, Veronica Mars. The subtitles also weigh in: "Drew: Entitled Punk." Wow, the subtitles are really cooking this week. Drew enters his room to find the door to his balcony ajar, but when he checks it, nobody's there, and he shrugs it off. Fi has managed to climb to the roof undetected. Either that or she catapulted herself up there using the spring from a retractable pen. Drew gets on his cell phone to someone who must be his coke dealer, and as Michael and Sam listen in, Drew tells him not to let the hit happen at home, on account of the surprise houseguest and all. After Drew hangs up, Sam says, "Mike, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it sounds like you're not the only person Drew hired to kill Jeannie." This isn't the kind of show that will play the sound of a muted trumpet going "wah-waaah./I>," but the face Michael makes in reaction to Sam's comment is the best thing.
Later, Larry shows up at the loft, and when Sam answers the door they aren't exactly thrilled to see each other. Fortunately Larry's keeping his Deadite grin in its holster or Bruce Campbell would go right into an Army of Darkness flashback. "You look great," Larry lies. Sam lies right back, "You too, Larry. Very youthful. Still drinking the blood of children?" Larry says he's glad Michael called, since he's heard that Jeannie's had a houseguest. Michael breaks the news that they have a bigger problem: "It seems Drew double-booked the job." Larry flies into a rage, grabbing a screwdriver from Michael's workbench and twirling it in his fingers while trying to calm down. "I feel a cleansing rash of heart attacks coming on," he mutters. Sam tells him not to worry, and Larry yells at him that his name is in this and there will be cops all over. "We need to start putting people into the ground," he tells Michael, who unbeknownst to him has also picked up a screwdriver but it hiding it behind his wrist, just in case Larry decides to start some shit. Larry runs down the names of Drew, Jeannie, the houseguest, the coke dealer, and anyone Michael hired (not aware that #3 and #5 are the same). When Michael balks at the number of bodies, Larry gets in his face and tries to get him to deny he feels the same way. "It's not the smart play here," Michael insists in a "please come in off the ledge" voice. He says he'll just go to Drew and have him call off the job. "The cops will never hear your name if Jeannie lives, Larry," Sam adds. Larry seems okay with that for now, but before he leaves, he warns Michael, "If being a softie turns around to bite you in the ass, I will be here to say I told you so." And judging from the way he leaves that screwdriver standing upright with its point stuck in the top of a board, he'll be saying it in Stab-ese. "That's our Larry," Sam grins humorlessly. Good thing Larry never thought to ask how Michael found out about the other people on the job, no? That would have been awkward to explain, especially near the end when Michael would have had a screwdriver through his larynx.
As a suited Michael enters a trendoid-looking restaurant called the Jaguar the day, he voice-overs, "Covert operatives try to avoid assuming other people's identities whenever possible. There's just too many pitfalls when you're dealing with someone your new identity has corresponded with." Plus you don't necessarily get to show off with a goofy accent. Not that this is going to stop Michael. His VO continues, "Of course it helps if the person you're deceiving is terrified of the person you're pretending to be." With that, Michael pushes his way to the back of the restaurant, where Drew is holding court with some grown-ups in a corner booth. When they object to his interruption he tells them, "I'm Drew's friend. We met on the Internet. Facebook buddies." I guess Michael's lucky that Drew didn't go looking for a hitman on Twitter, because a credulous Drew dismisses his cronies and Michael introduces himself as Larry Sizemore. Drew is not a little confused at meeting someone who told him they were never going to meet, but Michael says that he's here because Drew got sloppy. He forcibly drags Drew into the office in back, yelling at him for asking his coke dealer to hire another killer. As he pushes Drew against the office aquarium and scrapes his forehead against the glass while calling him a "chucklehead," he angrily points out that if the dealer gets arrested for, you know, dealing, he's going to flip on Drew, and then they're all in on conspiracy for murder. As Drew gets thrown onto the sofa, he offers to get rid of the dealer. Michael whips out a wicked little curved knife and says, "If I'm killing anybody, I'm killing you. Some people live and some people die. There's one way you live: you call off this hit." Staring in panic at the knife, Drew admits that he hired two other people. He asks for until 5:00 to fire everyone, and Michael says he'll be back expecting good news at 4:00. "Or you're my dead-ee," he threatens over his shoulder. Michael sure is bitter about not getting to use much of a character voice as Larry, isn't he? He packed, like, five Larry-isms into that one-minute scene.
Over at Madeline's house, she and Michael sit at her dining room table while a chubby, touchy-feely therapist is literally putting Michael to sleep with a bunch of therapy-speak about bridges built from trust. "I'm detecting a lot of negativity in this room," the counselor says, and you might almost miss Michael pointing at his mom from behind his hand. The counselor gives them a homework assignment -- or a "lifework" assignment, as he calls it, as in the title of the book he's writing. He wants them each to make a list of five things that they're grateful to the other person for. Madeline loves the idea, which is probably not going to be something that goes on Michael's list.
Afterwards, they head out to the garage, Michael asking after his dad's old gas company jacket. She says she threw it away long ago, and when he won't tell her why he needs it, she reminds him that he's supposed to be honest with her, so Michael impatiently snaps, "I need to get a shut-in and her yappy dog out of her house. I'm going to tell her she has a gas leak." Madeline immediately pulls out an old coverall and suggests Michael pose as an exterminator instead. "Tell her you're spraying her yard with some toxic material and now her poor little puppy is gravely ill and has to go to the vet." If Michael appreciates Madeline's suggestion, it's overshadowed by how disturbed he is by the speed with which she came up with that.
Cut to Michael in the uniform, accessorized with his sunglasses and a respirator mask around his neck, as he stands in the doorway of Bill Johnson's confused-looking landlady. He tells her to send the vet bill to the address he just handed her (probably Carla's old building) and acts like he feels bad about his accidental "spill." He adds in a surfer-patois, "From what I hear of pets, the little pads on their feet just sucks it up [sic] like a straw. You don't want your little loved one here to be paws-up to the water bowl, so..." Noticing that she's a pretty dire-looking specimen close up, he adds the vet will take care of both of them, and grins into her double-take. He doesn't seem too worried that any of this is going to get back to Bill Johnson, does he?
And while back waiting in his car with Sam for the landlady to leave, he's gotten a start in his "lifework" with the first of five items: "Outfitted me with a cover ID." The therapist will like that. As they watch the landlady scamper out with her dog and drive off, Sam gives Michael props. "I don't know where you come up with this stuff," he chuckles. Moments later, Sam and Michael are both inside Bill Johnson's bedroom. Lucky for them, he's not home either. Sam plants a bug while Michael searches for clues. What he comes up with is hidden under the drywall behind a loose section of baseboard, and it's a Carla-style crossword puzzle, which has conveniently already been decoded for them; "Fourth floor conference room" is written in the margin. "She should try the jumble," Sam comments. Just then Michael gets a call on his cell phone from Larry, just checking in and suggesting once again that they resolve the Drew situation Larry-style, as in, "Let's kill everyone." Michael calms him down and hangs up, and Sam makes a crack about Larry having a thing for Michael. "That's because he doesn't have any friends," Michael says. "That's because he's killed most of them, Mike," Sam says. With that, they're done with Bill Johnson's room, apparently confident that his landlady isn't the type who will tell her subletter about every little thing that happened to her during the during the day, let alone a suspicious exterminator who showed up to suggest she and the dog clear out for a few hours. Or, if she is, that Bill Johnson isn't the type to think anything of it despite being a person who uses laundry blueing on his garbage.
Michael, back in his suit, heads back to Drew's restaurant, while VO-ing about the difference between pros and amateurs planning ambushes. See, pros attack aggressively, making their opponent respond from a place of weakness. But amateurs like Drew tend to be more defensive even when in ambush mode, which means they're also in a weak position. That would explain why when Michael heads back to Drew's office, he can see the toes of Drew's shoes under the open door. Michael therefore simply body-checks the door, squishing Drew against the wall hard enough to send him sprawling to the floor and make him drop his gun. Michael snags it and tosses it away as Drew flusters that the gun was to protect himself from Michael, who he knew would be angry at him for failing to call off the hit. Going by Michael's entirely real disappointment, I don't think the gun is going to cover it. Drew says he tried, but couldn't get through to one of the killers, who he thinks is going to be squishing Jeannie with a dump truck on her way home approximately now-ish. Michael's freak-out is only partially put on as he tries to get Drew to call Jeannie and warn her, but Drew says the hitman had the foresight to put a cell phone jammer in Jeannie's car. Okay, what the hell kind of hitman uses a dump truck and a cell phone jammer? Drew tells an increasingly upset Michael that his name will stay out of it, and it'll just look like an accident, which Drew thinks means no cops. "Who do you think investigates fatal car crashes?" Michael demands, putting the point of his scary little knife up behind Drew's ear. Still maintaining his cover, even when he's got a hit to stop. Drew begs Michael to let him run. "Run," Michael says, and walks out, to Drew's immense relief.
Cut to Jeannie's car, where a little box with blinking red lights is hidden under the seat. Nice protecting there, Fi. Michael explains in voice-over what a cell phone jammer is and what it does, which, thanks, I think we figured that out. I mean, I didn't assume it was a kitchen appliance that turns mobile phones into preserves and cans them, did you? Jeannie looks curious that nobody seems to be calling her as she rides in the shotgun seat while Fi drives. So that raises the stakes here; not only is Jeannie's life in danger, but so is Fi's. I'm having mixed emotions about this. Back behind the restaurant, Michael is trying Fi on his cell phone anyway and getting a recording: "The caller you are trying to reach is unavailable." Yes, she's dating Campbell. Michael runs over, breaks into a big, heavily-laden pickup truck, and drives off.
Shot of Jeannie's little Prius negotiating the suburban streets. Shot of a big honking dump truck being driven by a big honking biker type down a two-lane highway. I wouldn't put much money on the Prius against either one of them. And shot of Michael in his stolen pickup racing to intercept the truck. Throughout this scene, we can see black storm clouds massing on the horizon, adding an impressive air of portent to what would otherwise be a pretty straightforward vehicular action scene. Yes, I just gave props to Burn Notice for the weather, what of it? 24-style splitscreening commences as an MWVO explains, "It doesn't matter if you're trying to take out a moped or a dump truck. every vehicle has three areas of vulnerability: the driver [who doesn't look all that vulnerable to me], the engine [ditto], and the tires." As Michael catches up to the dump truck on the highway, he adds that a can of paint across the windshield or a cannon round to the engine block might stop the truck, but neither will keep it from swerving into oncoming traffic (not that there is any). But as Michael passes the dump truck, he explains that forcing a vehicle's front tires off the road will make it impossible for it to swerve. How's he going to get those tires off the road using a much smaller truck? By getting in front of the dump truck and standing on the brakes. Now, when I heard him talk about forcing the tires off the road, I thought he was talking about pushing them off onto the gravel. But as the dump truck not only crashes into the back of the pickup but climbs clear up the collapsing truck bed until its front bumper is inches from the back of Michael's head, I realize that "off the road" can also mean "up off the road." Both wrecked vehicles grind to a smoky halt as Fi and Jeannie approach from the opposite direction in the Prius and pull on past before stopping a short distance behind the truck. Shaky from the collision, Michael struggles out of the pickup, but he's still able to easily take out the much larger dump truck driver with one punch. Yes, Michael Westen can literally beat you up in his sleep. He limps back to Fi, who gently helps him into Jeannie's Prius.
And then the dump truck being driven by the actual hitman comes and pulps all of them. Okay, not really, but I can't help wondering how Michael knew he had the right truck.
Back at the loft, a fully-recovered Michael wraps things up for Larry: the hit is off, no homicide detectives are involved, and Drew is on the run. Larry isn't seeing the upside: "You know," he says, "the last person who cost me a bunch of money didn't tell me about it with a smile on his face." And when that person smiled afterward, he looked like Larry. Michael insists he did Larry a favor and saved him a lot of hassle. Larry admits that he digs the dump truck stunt Michael pulled off. "Maybe we'll get a chance to work again together someday," Larry says. "Yeah, maybe not," Michael responds, a bit shortly. Larry takes his leave, saying he's got to "shuffle off to Buffalo" and shaking Michael's hand. So does this mean the episode is ending twenty minutes early? After Larry is gone, Michael looks at the hand Larry just shook and wipes it on his shirt. I'm really not sure that's sufficient precaution, knowing Larry. Maybe Michael should remove the hand entirely. Just ask Sam to bring his chainsaw over.
But Michael seems to be fine that evening as Sam plays him a recording of a phone call he picked up from the bug in Bill Johnson's room. They can only hear Bill Johnson's end of the conversation -- that way the show doesn't have to pay Tricia Helfer for another episode -- but we can hear Bill Johnson promising to be someplace "1500," futilely asking who the target is (clearly not for the first time), and wondering if he gets his life back after this. "At least she's consistent," Michael says around a spoonful of yogurt. Look who's talking. Then his phone rings, and what he sees on the caller ID seems to dampen his mood. He answers in his Larry voice: "Drew, for your sake I hope you're calling me from someplace far." But Drew's in his office as he says that he tried to run, but some dude showed up to tell him that the job was still on. "Guy? What guy?" Michael asks, as though he doesn't already know. Drew describes Larry and says, "He said his name's Michael Westen." So Drew thinks Michael is Larry and that Larry is Michael. The rest of this recap could become kind of confusing, at least for Drew.
At the museum, Fi and Michael have to take a disappointed Jeannie back into the ladies' room and explain, "We had one slip through the cracks." Michael tells Jeannie to go to the charity lunch she has scheduled for today. They'll give her instructions that are "a little out of your comfort zone," but they promise to protect her. Jeannie agrees. My question is why Larry's going to insist on going ahead with Jeannie's murder instead of just taking Drew's money. But then I suppose most hitmen need to have a pretty draconian return policy.
Michael is working at the loft when Sam comes in, giving him a hard time for not locking the door. "That sociopath is still out there." As are any number of others; leaving the front door open is pretty careless for someone who eats, sleeps, and works out with a gun always in reach. Michael doesn't think Larry will come after him, but Sam interprets Larry's use of Michael's as Larry being pissed off at Michael. "No, that was just his way of saying hands off my operation, sit this one out," Michael says, as though he hasn't sufficiently shown off his fluency in Larry-nese this week. Sam gives Michael a newspaper article about a pharmacy across from Larry's hotel that burned down the night before, which they figured Larry did to cover up his theft of something. "He always did like his poisons," Michael murmurs. Sam wonders what Larry's plan is, and Michael figures that the combination of the poison plus the fact that he told Drew to have the money ready by 1:00 means that he's going to hit Jeannie at her lunch. As he pulls a big folding sniper rifle out of his bottom desk drawer, Sam seriously asks, "Look, you want me to do it?" Michael declines. "It should be me." Yes, it should. But "should" doesn't always mean "will."
Michael goes back to Drew's office with a copy of his own dossier, just to show him how scary a guy "Michael Westen" is. He explains to Drew that Larry (who Drew still thinks is Michael) will kill Drew as soon as he pays him, since Drew has seen his face. Drew wants to run again, which the real Michael says is a good idea. "But you should make damn sure Michael Westen is dead before you do that...by serving him up to me." Michael tells Drew to have the money ready to give to "Michael" (who is actually Larry) according to his instructions, and "Larry" (who is actually Michael) will take "Michael" (who is actually Larry) down. Then Drew can run. See what I mean about this recap becoming confusing? Michael adds, "If you ever come back again, I will find you...because you've seen my face, and I don't like you."
Fi's in the museum's lunch crowd, on her Bluetooth to Sam, who's insisting that Larry has to be there even if she doesn't see him. He gives her a description: "He's tall, dyes his hair, face like a ferret." Finally Fi spots Larry, gladhanding the crowd in a black suit and tie as though he knows everyone there. She tells Sam that Larry's good, and fairly handsome. "He's all right, I guess," Sam agrees. "He's no Campbell, though." And here's when we see that Sam is wearing a paramedic's uniform. "Who is?" Fi agrees. "He's the only boyfriend I've ever had who comes with his own ambulance." And we see that Campbell is in fact there with Sam, in the back of said ambulance. As Fi watches, Larry pulls out a little Binaca sprayer and spritzes Jeannie's fork. Fi reports this to Sam, who responds, "You might want to tell Jeannie she's about to have a heart attack." The lunch chimes sound, and before Fi rings off, Sam warns her, "Don't be a hero here. You have a problem, you let me know." He pulls out his gun to cock it, and Campbell nervously asks him, "So, are you a soil scientist, too?" "Oh, yeah," Sam assures him. "Big time."
Meanwhile, Michael is making his way up a stairwell to a rooftop with his sniper rifle in its case. And at the lunch table to Jeannie, Fi swaps the would-be dead-ee's poisoned fork with a clean one and instructs her to dash to the bathroom after a few bites. "I'll follow, discover your body, and call 911." Nobody else at the table seems to have any questions. Up top, Michael quickly assembles his sniper rifle. And at the table, Jeannie theatrically gets sick and drops her fork, sending Fi into an equally theatrical panic. That's good enough for Larry, who stops watching Jeannie's table from across the room and slips out the back.
As Campbell's ambulance screams up to the museum, Michael VOs, "Staging a fake death and a believable emergency response is almost impossible on a budget. One lone ambulance isn't going to sell it. So unless you happen to have a fleet of fire and rescue vehicles, uniforms, and a dozen actors you trust, you really do have to call 911." So that's why all these fire engines and cop cars are also arriving with their sirens and flashers at full blast. Michael adds, "You just have to have called your people first." Hence Campbell and his redheaded female partner already rolling Jeannie out on the gurney while the real "first-responders" are getting there second. "How'd you get here so fast?" another paramedic asks Campbell, who blows him off as he loads Jeannie into the ambulance and Fi follows. As soon as the doors close behind them, Fi kisses Campbell gratefully. It's nice to see that unlike our regulars when they calmly and routinely defraud Miami's emergency services, he's freaking out. "How do you seem to be so relaxed?" he frets. "Never again." From the shotgun seat, Sam calls back to Jeannie, who is clearly alive. "Where to, Sam?" asks the ambulance driver. "Anywhere you want, buddy," Sam grins at her, and the ambulance takes off. But won't the hospital wonder why one of their ambulances took a heart attack victim to a makeout spot?
Michael's on his Bluetooth with Drew, and also watching through the scope of his rifle as Drew's car pulls up down below. He instructs Drew to leave the money in the trunk and make Larry come out in the open to get it. As Michael chambers a round, he explains what's about to happen in VO: "Spend a career in covert ops and you're going to know some bad people. You'll work with them, you'll live with them, you might even trust your life to them. But none of that makes them your friend. It can't. Because one day, you might have to end them." But make sure the person who they're expecting to pay them for a hit actually brings the money, just in case.
Down at ground level, Larry calls out to Drew from behind a corner, and snaps at him to put his hands down when Drew raises them like a holdup victim. Drew asks how Larry wants this to work, and Larry's instructions are clear: "You give me the money. Then, I have the money." Even Drew is able to follow that. Drew goes to the trunk to get it, while Larry stresses at him to hurry up. "I just killed a lady in there," he says loudly. You know, maybe he wouldn't always have to be killing so many people all the time if he learned to keep his voice down. Watching Drew through the sniper scope from above, Michael remotely-coaches the idiot not to let Larry stay under cover. Drew drops the duffel of cash on the ground about ten feet from Larry's hiding spot and taunts, "Don't you want the money?" He "sneaks" a look up to the rooftop where he thinks Michael is, which tips Larry off. Larry dives out from his cover, taking Drew to the ground behind the car in a flying tackle before Michael can react. When they come back into the view of Michael's scope, Larry's using Drew as a human shield. "Do you think he'll shoot you?" he asks Drew, "Because I would shoot you." Hell, I'm not sure I wouldn't. Despite the close quarters, Larry's face is partially in Michael's crosshairs for just a flash, and then Larry kicks the duffel back undercover before dragging Drew there and snapping his neck. Michael sees the body roll into view, and the eye not hidden by the scope goes wide as he realizes he just fucked up. Big time.
He's still absorbing that when his cell phone rings. "Yeah, Larry?" he answers. Larry cackles into Michael's earpiece, "Not bad for an old man, eh? Two Andersons, one day." Larry's zombie grin is back in place, and even more frightening in extreme close-up. After a quiet pause, Larry asks Michael, "Or was it just one?" Still peering through the scope at nothing, Michael snaps, "You got what you wanted. Leave it alone." Again, not sure why Drew had to produce the actual money when neither of them expected Larry to walk away. Shutting down his scope, Michael tells Larry to shuffle off to Buffalo. Larry thinks that's a good idea, but wants to ask Michael something first: "You knew that kid was dead anyway. Why didn't you take the shot?" Michael says he didn't have one, but Larry thinks that Michael just couldn't bring himself to shoot his friend. "Some people live, some people die," he says as an epigram, before grabbing the duffel and walking off to await his appearance as a recurring villain. To be honest, I'm kind of looking forward to that as well.
And after that, Michael has to go back to Madeline's house to meet with her and her therapist, and turn in his lifework assignment. He's on the last item of his list, which is that he's grateful to Madeline for giving him her fantastic...eyesight. Madeline is, to say the least, not impressed. "You couldn't come up with five real things?" Turning to the flummoxed counselor, she bitches, "He doesn't even think I ever did five things for him. In his life! I was a terrible mother. No wonder you ran away." This is news to the counselor, but Michael explains that he joined the military at age 17. "My dad signed a form. Couldn't wait to get me out of the house." Madeline says that in fact she forged his dad's name on the form. "I didn't want to take away the one thing you were grateful to your father for," she says. "I would have, if I'd known my own list was so short." Michael asks why she did it. She says she knew that if he didn't leave, he might have ended up in jail or worse. "You could have turned out different," she says grimly. "I let you go because you needed to focus on something good." Into this moment, the therapist congratulates them on crossing the bridge, and they both snap at him to get out. Michael thanks his mom before she ducks into a bedroom. So that just leaves three more things for Michael to come up with.
Michael and Sam are in the Charger, tailing the aforementioned Bill Johnson to a large office building with a 1500 address. They pull into a questionable parking spot and watch through the opera glasses as Bill Johnson gets out of the car he left in an even more questionable parking spot. He's got a very sour expression on his face and a backpack over one shoulder. "He looks grumpier than you do when you're going to meet Carla," Sam cracks. Michael points out that she hasn't had him kill anyone yet. As they watch Bill Johnson walk toward the entrance, Michael goes into one last VO: "Black bag missions are often broken into separate parts. Operatives are given discrete tasks to ensure secrecy." And suddenly the opera glasses zoom waaay in on the item "Bill Johnson" is using to gain access to the building: it's that security badge that Michael got from Nefzi in the second episode of the season. "They're like jigsaw pieces," the VO continues as the screen above the card reader flashes, "ACCESS GRANTED 4TH FLOOR" and Bill Johnson walks inside. "And you never know if any of the ones you're given are from the same puzzle. But if you can get your hands on a corner piece, the part where the puzzle starts to take shape, sometimes you realizes all your pieces fit together." Especially if there are only two pieces. Let's count them together. First, There's a quick flashback to Michael in Nefzi's shop with the original and the fake security badge, and then Michael shows Sam the prototype he nicked for himself as he says that Bill Johnson's got the other copy. Second, there's a flashback to the sniper rifle heist, and Michael throwing the x-ray film of the gun up on his window. And that's all the pieces. "Carla's turned you into the sniper's personal shopper," Sam realizes. As Michael starts the car and drives off, he tells Sam. "I think I know how to find out what she's planning." You suppose it has anything to do with all the data that Michael helped Jimmy steal way back in the season premiere? I'd like to think so, but that would have to mean this jigsaw puzzle has a third piece.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com